By Cameron Burge
So I guess I missed a lot last week while swimming through my sea of homework that saw me not sleeping for a couple of days. Yay me! And by “missed a lot” I actuall mean “missed nothing I would care to see” since apparently Nexus was given some tag titles to make them look important as if we should still care these guys exist. Happy day after Halloween. I saw Saw 3D for the holiday and I think it was quite possibly the worst Saw movie yet, which is kind of saying something, and some of the worst 3D I’ve ever seen as well.
Orton comes out to say not a man alive could take the belt from him and would like to make sure a crooked refereeing John Cena won’t take it from him. He calls out Cena to say to his face that he plans to fuck him over and so Cena obliges. Insert gay sex joke. I went and cooked some food. I assume nothing important was said because I came back to the both of them staring each other down. Cena says he doesn’t know what he’s going to do because he’s either Freed or Fired. Alliteration is fun for the family, friends! Orton says he can go ahead and keep his job, but then he’ll be the biggest phony in the WWE if he’s still talking about Hustle, Loyalty and Respect. Orton tells him to get out of his ring because he doesn’t deserve to be in it. Cena says Wade doesn’t have enough skill to compete for the title, which I wish was being said in a fucking shoot. Nexus arrive. Oh, the got the two new guys now? I actually like Husky.
Wade gives Cena permission to say whatever because actions speak louder than words, and he’ll do whatever he says in the end. Cena says he’ll beat Wade down after this no matter how it goes. Orton says it doesn’t matter what Cena does, because he’ll just annihilate Wade until he’s de facto the winner. He invites Wade down but the GM interrupts. The GM makes a match of Wade and a partner of his choice against Orton and a partner of his choice with Cena as special ref.
Random Commercial Thought: Steel yourselves for the onslaught of shitty Oscar-bait.
Back to the show where Gabriel and Slater are out to take on the Dynasty. Gabriel is gonna have to carry this team.
The Hart Dynasty vs. WWE Tag Team Champions Heath Slater & Justin Gabriel
Slater gets owned by Kidd who tags out to Smith right away. Smith powers over Slater and delivers a stalling suplex for a two count. Gabriel gets a blind tag and attacks from behind. They double team Smith in the corner and just stomp the shit out of him for a long time. The ref apparently doesn’t give a shit about this and lets them take their time. Slater and Gabriel trade some quick tags as for some reason Cole is being billed as a Nexus supporter now. I’m not sure why. I guess they don’t care if he’s consistent so long as he is a heel. Smith drops Gabriel with a scoop slam while Tyson sits around and looks apathetic at Smith. He tags in though and delivers some kicks to Gabriel. A spinning Fisherman suplex picks up a two count for Kidd. Smith takes Slater to the floor while Kidd dropkicks Gabriel out as well. Smith is thrown into Gabriel by Slater and Tyson sentons over the ropes onto him in the most predictable set up for this yet. Gabriel then delivers the 450 to Kidd after Slater distracts him for a cheap shot..
Winners: Slater & Gabriel
R-Truth tells Cena he got “Buck” tonight. They discuss what the fuck that means. What is with the friendship spots in the back between them? These started so randomly and it really stresses how fucking unintelligible Truth is. Cena walks out on him for wanting to know what he’s going to do. Typical reaction.
Random Commercial Thought: One more day of this election bullshit, can we all survive?
Back to the show. I’m trying to pretend I didn’t just
see a promise of Pee Wee Herman tonight. Sheamus will
make me forget, or at least just force me to think of
mayonnaise. We get a replay of Morrison helping Santino
winning over Sheamus with help from Morrison. Sheamus
invites Santino out for a rematch. I love the way
Santino walks. It’s like he learned how to walk from
40’s horror film monsters. Nice new shirt. Santino gives
him a psych evaluation before saying he’s consumed too
much candy to compete. People are surprisingly excited
to see him puke on Sheamus, but Santino says he got a
replacement for the match and
Vladimir Kozlov vs. Sheamus
Kozlov powers Sheamus into the corner. He goes for a take down on Sheamus’ leg, but Sheamus punches him off. Kozlov omes back with some shots of his own and a headlock take down. Sheamus rams Kozlov into the corner and delivers knees to the gut. Sheamus’ Irish Curse gets a two count before he starts dropping knees to the back of the head. Kozlov powers back with head butts and a sloppy big boot for two when Sheamus gets the ropes. A clubbing shot from Sheamus sets up for the pump kick for three.
Santino slips into the ring and Sheamus traps him by stepping on his hand. A cobra chant tries to build as Sheamus chases him down the aisle. Santino attempts a candy bribe, and then a normal money bribe. Even better. He then tries a credit card bribe and a check. Why did he bring all these payment methods. Sheamus finally attacks him at the entrance and delivers the High Cross, but it’s interrupted by John Morrison kicking him out. Morrison is apparently auditioning for Twilight as a werewolf. Elsewhere, Truth reiterates for the hundredth time to Orton that he’s friends with Cena as if no one will believe him. Truth lies to Orton and says Cena will take Wade’s side to avoid being fired. Orton says he’ll team with Truth tonight to see how Cena reacts to his “friends” because TRUTH IS HIS FRIEND, BELIEVE US.
Random Commercial Thought: Smackdown really does look better than Raw these days.
Back to the show where Mark Henry talks to Pee Wee on a cell phone right next to him. It’s a weird segment. Henry needs a tag partner because Bourne is injured. Pee Wee offers to tag with him and Henry says he’s super strong and his idol and just the man…to hug him…..I…I feel disturbed by this. And now there is Diva Twister. Pee Wee then says there will be plenty of surprises and Lita shows up to knock all the divas down. Oh. She’s back. It’s as if we’re trying to injure as many people as possible.
Random Commercial Thought: That commercial made Burn Notice look like Memento.
And now back to a match between Ryder and Ezekiel Jackson. I didn’t know I was watching Superstars.
Zack Ryder vs. Ezekiel
Ryder is in his hometown, getting a non-reaction.
I guess they got to keep his matches short so we don’t realize he can’t wrestle past the thirty second mark without blowing up. Apparently Wade is going to go with Otunga as his partner (totally trustworthy guy). They threaten us with another Pee Wee segment (no, I don’t mean midget wrestling) as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Pretty short break. It was entirely wrestling commercials. Seems weird we even had it.
I guess they wanted to build the suspense for Pee Wee. Huh. Think I’m going to cook this chicken. Oh god, he did the secret word. It’s “Ring” so they can make people scream as much as possible. Too bad everybody in the crowd doesn’t give a shit and probably doesn’t remember what Pee Wee’s Playhouse even was. The Miz interrupts things. Miz says he loved He-Man. Pee Wee asks why he didn’t marry He-Man. That’s because he already married Liono from Thundercats. Pee Wee doesn’t take the threats well that ensue and this segment devolves into a comedy segment that I assume the mentally disabled find really funny and not annoying. Pee Wee says his cousin is here to rape Miz in the butt because it’s Big Show. Big Show arrives in a Pee Wee suit. I refuse to believe my only hometown wrestler is doing this to himself. Big Show tosses both Miz and Riley by the throats over to the floor then carries Pee Wee around. Gay.
The GM interrupts things to say Miz isn’t getting out of this so easy and will be facing “The Big Pee Wee” next. Oh great, the Tequila dance. I liked that movie at least. Playhouse was fucking retarded though.
Random Commercial Thought: Burgers usually just throw their weight into your own weight.
Back to the show where the match is already underway.
Big Show is hammering Miz in the corner with slaps to the chest. Miz runs from a big right hand to the floor to keep from getting the knock out punch. He discusses a game plan with Riley and stalks around outside the ring. Back in the ring, Miz attacks the leg with a dropkick and starts kicking at Show’s knee. Miz head butts back and takes some more kicks before delivering a clothesline and scoop slam. Show drops an elbow while there is quite a Miz is Awesome chant going. Miz keeps attacking the knee to keep Show at bay. Show gets hammered by a rain of blows and goes to knee from a dropkick to the knee. Miz locks on a sleeper as Riley (“A-Rye”? Really, Cole?) and Cole have a bro moment. Big Show stands up with Miz hanging from him and just falls back on him.
Show goes up top and is distracted by Riley before missing a slingshot body splash. Big Show kicks out at one and Miz starts to stomp on him. Big Show comes off the top with a splash of his own and picks up a two count. Miz works another headlock on Show since that worked out so well last time. Oh, he got thrown off. Lesson learned? Show delivers some rights and a big back body drop. Miz is about to be choke slammed when Riley gets on the apron. Show tosses them into each other, but Miz takes the briefcase and clubs Show down to the ground with it.
Winner: Big Show
We get a video package about how sweet and moral WWE is and not about necrophilia at all….this show had corpse fucking in it. Wade I in the back and tells Cena to mop the floor and then scrub his back. Otunga says he has more talent than Cena or Nexus and it’s his hand that will be raised tonight.
Random Commercial Thought: how exactly do you go about running yourself over in a car?
Back to the show where Dibiase and Maryse’s fake boobies come out after a video package about the Goldust/Aksana marriage tomorrow night on NXT (lol NXT). Daniel Bryan is his opponent.
US Champion Daniel Bryan vs. Ted Dibiase w/ Maryse
Ted dominates and pounds Daniel into the corner. Maryse
has a message for Cole in French, supposedly to say
Random Commercial Thought: I had to laugh at this political commercial. It said the candidate was dangerous and showed him with a gun like he’s going to show up at your house and shoot you.
The show returns with Laycool on the microphone again. Urrrg…..They decide to give Natalya one more shot at their title if Natalya can beat Michelle tonight.
Diva’s Champion Michelle McCool vs. Natalya (Non-title Match)
Natalya goes to a waist lock but forgets to do anything so Michelle elbows out. Natalya goes to a take down and escapes a head scissors before squashing Michelle with an odd body slam/suplex. Natalya elbows Michelle out of the corner and tries to go up top only to be pulled off by the leg for two. Michelle beats on Natalya’s back and head while some people in the crowd beg for this to end and one really annoying faggot chants Layla’s name in an annoyingly high pitch. Michelle goes to a body scissors and uses the ropes, but gets caught by the ref. Natalya starts to fight back and that one guy still hasn’t shut up. Michelle delivers a Northern Lights for two. Natalya catches a running kick and goes for the sharpshooter but Layla interrupts by helping Michelle from the ring.
Natalya goes to the floor and trips up Layla, tosses her into Michelle with a monkey flip to prevent Michelle from punishing. Michelle crawls into the ring and Natalya follows, dodging an attack to force Michelle to kick Layla in the head and gets caught in the ultimate WWE finisher, the dreaded roll up for the win.
We cut to a doctor talking to himself as if he doesn’t know anyone else is there and wants to just hear his own voice to pretend he has friends. He mentions the patient has been in a coma for months and will miss the election before we see it is Vince McMahon. Um….how did he make that Stand Up for WWE thing then? Did that not happen?! Is this a clone? Was the other one a clone?! What’s going on?! Anyway, I guess this is all from the long ago Nexus beat down or something as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Old West Zombies. Sold.
Back to the show. We return for the doctor to give a speech about the election day thing being tomorrow and mentioning Linda spent fifty million dollars on the campaign. He immediately wakes up. He says he hates politics and is okay so long as everything is okay in the WWE. The doctor says that as a fan, not everything is running smoothly because they buried the Undertaker and Nexus is stronger than ever. He says Cena will defeat them, but the doctor confirms Cena to be in Nexus, Paul Bearer is back, and Goldust is getting married (why is that last?). Also, Vince doesn’t want to hear that Daniel Brian is US Champ. Too late. Vince then does a shit joke and mentions running for president in the same sentence before parading in a campaign banner for pants.. Then Stephanie wakes up from the dream and speaks to Triple H off camera who says Vince is in a braindead coma.
…….I’ll admit that was kind of funny. On to the main event.
Random Commercial Thought: Oh dear god, another political only commercial break. This is killing me.
Randy Orton & R-Truth vs. Otunga & Wade Barrett (Special Ref: John Cena)
Otunga powers Orton into a corner right away but gets clotheslined down and stomped by Orton. Cena has to drag Orton off of Otunga from beating him down. Orton gets up in his face about it and gets rolled up for two. Orton beats Otunga some more and complains to Cena. Wade attacks Orton after a tag then trades out to Otunga who gets ran over again like a retard. He takes a trip to the floor and Orton follows. Orton is sent into the steps and Otunga gets a two count back in the ring. Wade tags in and starts stomping on Orton and pounding him into the mat. Truth is just chilling on the ring apron, earning that paycheck. Orton fights back with a back suplex and makes the tag finally.
Otunga is in as well and Truth slams him around with his big hip toss. He flips out of the corner into the split and the side kick for two. Truth keeps asking us what’s up. Nothing much. Wade tags in and delivers a side slam to Truth. Wade follows up with a backbreaker before going up to the middle rope for a sloppy elbow drop that bombs anyway. He probably would have injured one of them anyway. Truth makes the tag, but Otunga distracts Cena from it. Cena forces Orton out while Wade and Otunga double team Truth in the other corner. Otunga tags in now and picks up a two count. Wade immediately tags back in as they continue to work him over. Otunga tags back in yet again to get a two count. Truth tries to rally back but they collide with cross bodies against each other. Of all the moves to trade, that is one of the dumbest ones to see.
Wade tags in, but Cena misses the tag and forces him back out of the ring. Orton sneaks into the ring behind Cena and delivers an RKO to Otunga. Orton dives onto Wade and fights him to the floor and Cena turns to count the three from Truth.
Winners: Truth & Orton
Cena walks away from Wade after an argument and leaves him to stare off with Orton as the show goes off the air. By stare off, I meant, Wade just stares at the ring entrance while Orton stares at him which is kind of awkward.
Highlight of the Night: Would probably have to award this to our main event which was actually pretty good as a story piece and not the worst match either.
Lowlight of the Night: I can’t actually give this to the Diva’s match. It was actually decent for once. I will instead award it to Pee Wee’s segment that just left me angry.
WWE “Creative” Award: Why did we do that dream sequence? It’s like seeing apparitions in mirrors, how does that make any sense? Why do it?
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
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