Hey folks, did you see
Bragging Rights? Yeah, neither did anyone
else….anywhere. In case you missed it, Big Show
betrayed Raw in the end to attack Kofi and Trips and
have Jericho pick up the Smackdown win. It was kind
of like a backstabbing in a movie only more
predictable somehow. I didn’t think it was possible.
Show opens with a
recap of Bragging Rights and Jericho and Show come
to the ring. Big Show keeps trying to say he’s still
proud to be on Raw but Jericho keeps interrupting
him and hogging credit. Big Show just looks confused
saying he did it for himself and his own career. He
struck a deal with Teddy Long to get a title shot
against Undertaker if he betrayed Raw. Jericho
demands he should have needed to give approval so
our guest hosts interrupt them by driving their cars
in the parking lot. Oh by the way Nascar drivers are
hosting tonight, Kyle Bush and some other guy who I
always seem to miss the name of. Why does wrestling
always assume I actually watch sports? They drive
the cars into the arena.
The other guy is
Joey I guess and they sort of argue with the worst
line reads EVER. Shut up. Shut up! Please stop
talking! Kyle congrats Big Show and Joey condemns
him. Kyle insults the city to get some cheap heel
heat. Joey makes a match between Show and Trips.
Jericho wishes him good luck and tries to brag about
his trophy before they make him a match. Kyle says
he has 58 just like it. He says Jericho is against
Kofi Johnson-er-Kingston. Kingston appears the third
time he says his name correctly like some kind of
wrestling version of the Candyman as we go to
Random Commercial Thought: I’m
Back to the show and the
Kofi Kingston vs. Chris Jericho
They dick around for a bit before Jericho kicks Kofi
around, beating him down with some pretty week
looking punches that for seemingly no reason
absolutely wreck Kingston’s shit. Kingston comes
back with a kick to the face in the corner and a
dropkick. He starts to work Jericho’s arm on the
ground and picks up a two count. They roll around on
the ground and trade rest holds. After Jericho takes
some notes on how to apply headlocks he gets tossed
to the floor where Kofi suicide dives. We amazingly
manage to not cut to commercial and the action
spills back inside but Jericho drops Kingston on his
head. Kofi crawls up to the apron and eats the
springboard dropkick from Jericho as we actually go
to commercial this time.
Back to the match where Jericho
racks Kofi’s neck on the bottom rope. Kingston
crawls back in only to get pinned for two. Jericho
continues to work him over but he tries for a knee
leap into the corner only for Kingston to slip out.
Kingston rallies back and sets up Boom Boom Boom
which Cole says is called the Boom Drop now. Jericho
grabs the legs for the Walls after the leg drop but
Kingston escapes only to eat an enziguiri for two.
Jericho works Kingston to the corner but Kofi slip
out with a kick to the face. Kofi tries to go up and
Jericho cuts him off. Kofi blocks a superplex and
throws Jericho off before coming down with a cross
body. Jericho rolls through for two. Kofi levels
Jericho with a clothesline counter into Russian Leg
Kofi slaps his legs and delivers the
Trouble in Paradise but Jericho catches his legs and
counters to the walls. Kofi manages to roll Jericho
up out of the Walls for two but Jericho pops up with
the Code breaker only for Kingston to make the
ropes. Jericho thinks he won and tries to celebrate
and argue. Jericho turns around into Trouble in
Paradise for three.
match, been a while since these two have been given
enough time to show off in the ring. Orton then
attacks Kingston from behind and throws him off the
stage. It’s because he’s black isn’t it? Yeah it is.
Big crowd chant for Cena on this.
Commercial Thought: New Moon is fucking gay.
Orton is back with the show saying Kingston is the
reason he lost his match last night. Cody Rhodes
then shows up to look incredibly gay in his little
poncho as usual. He and Ted suck off Orton for a bit
and offer him gifts. It’s an Orton Nascar car.
Retarded. Orton can’t stop staring at his own face
on the hood. Rhodes says they have another surprise
involving Cena because apparently we need this feud
needs to keep going into infinity. Joey and Kyle are
talking about who is better to some random whore
whose name I can’t remember when Jack Swagger shows
up to gloat some. He wants to fight Cena for the
title. They tell him no but they are going to pick
his next challenger tonight. The Miz interrupts to
say Jack is far from a WWE Championship while he
himself wants a title shot. If Miz ever upgrades
from his shit title to a real one I might kill
myself. The crowd is even finishing his lines these
Elsewhere, Melina and Santino are
walking through some paparazzi, must have them
confused for both halves of Lady Gaga separated from
Random Commercial Thought: Try to
hold it in so she doesn’t notice.
Back to the
show where we get a promo for Sheamus debuting
tonight…yeah I didn’t care either. Santino and
Melina make their way out to take on Chavo and
Jillian vs. Santino & Diva’s Champion Melina
Chavo slaps Santino in the back of the head who
laughs and knocks him flat a few times. Santino
bombs a flying fist drop and Chavo kicks him around.
He chokes Santino down in the corner and delivers an
uppercut for the two. Are these teams some kind of
Mexican affirmative actions? One Mexican designated
for each team? Santino comes back and winds up his
punch combo into eye poke. Chavo dives to the tag.
Santino talks trash to Jillian who slaps him.
Santino tags in Melina. Melina works Jillian over
while Hornswoggle comes out to taut Chavo and
distract him. Melina tries a sunset flip on Jillian
who grabs the ropes so she cuts her off with that
standing leg drop into the splits move. Whats it
called? Venerial Disease?
Winners: Santino and
Hornswoggle receives a folder in a
green envelope from some executive and has King read
it. It’s a cease and desist order from DX to make
him stop dressing like DX and doing the chop. LOL
get fucked by Trips’ lawyers, son! Oh look Cena,
Random Commercial Thought:
Tekken 6 coming out at midnight. Time to get juggled
like the laws of gravity are its bitch!
to the show where Cena is announced to be introduced
but Legacy enters instead because um…I dunno. Rhodes
says the champ is not here. They say they are
challenging Cena for the title because Orton isn’t
allowed to challenge anymore. They try to challenge
Cena into a stupid match but of course being a face
Cena is required to carry an idiot ball with him and
respond to this. Cena comes out to talk about how
neither one of these guys is much of anything. Cena
points out that we’ve been watching reruns of this
fucking rivalry forever. Cena says he got them a
match though to get them a tryout to try and earn
their right to be challengers. They’re taking on MVP
and the fat sack of crap he’s been carrying around
for the last couple of months.
Commercial Thought: Half a million people can
definitely be wrong. A lot.
Back to the show.
MVP & Mark Henry vs. Legacy
getting worked over in the corner by both guys.
Rhodes tags in and knees him in the face, punching
MVP around the ring before using a snap mare to
transition to a rest hold so he can work off all
that hard work he just put in for two seconds. MVP
blocks a hip toss with a clothesline and makes the
tag. Henry levels Rhodes and delivers a head butt
before lifting him up for a choke. MVP retardedly
ends up distracting the ref so Dibaise comes in from
behind with a chop block. They work Henry to the
corner where Ted switches in to choke and kick him
down. MVP takes a cheap shot from Ted and tries to
get in allowing the double dropkick from Legacy for
Rhodes in now with a headlock. He’s
having trouble locking a head the size of one of
those big watermellons. Henry backdrops Rhodes out
and makes the tag. Dibiase is in and gets tossed
around by MVP. MVP hits a face buster and goes
to some Ballin’. He picks up two when Rhodes makes
the save. Henry takes Rhodes out with a head butt.
Behind the ref they delivers a Sunset Flip and
clothesline combo to Dibaise for the three.
Winners: MVP and Henry
After the match Daddy
Orton comes out to face his pupils. Orton demands he
get his rematch even if he has to go to the board of
directors. Kofi Kingston interrupts to say Orton
lost and no one cares. Orton demands to know who he
thinks he is. I like how he lost that accent
randomly. The camera pans to reveal Kofi is standing
on Orton’s new pretty car. Kofi wants to show him
how durable the car is with a little demonstration.
Ends up with some keying of the car like the time I
carved pictures into some asshole’s sports car. He
also starts hacking into the hood and destroying the
window. Haha, black vandalism. He also pours paint
on it. I love how Orton just takes it all instead of
going to the back to stop it a long time ago.
Random Commercial Thought: Help me out here, why did
we make Ninja Assassin?
Back to the show
where Eve tries to be Lillian and pretty much fails
at it. Also Evan Bourne is going to take on Miz to
fill up some time.
Evan Bourne vs. US Champion The Miz
Quick tie up with
Miz delivering some big rights. Miz trips his legs
out from under him when Bourne attempts a kick to
the head. Miz starts stomping Bourne out and choking
him on the ropes. Miz goes to a chicken wing on the
ground. I like how Bourne sells crazy arm holds like
that with his flexibility. Bourne escapes and comes
back with a knee thrust to the face for one. Evan
starts delivering hard kicks and a head scissors
before picking up a two count. Miz forces him back
to the corner and hammers him down to the floor
while Swagger comes out. I sometimes think he
painted that grin on. Swagger says no one is
watching the match, it’s Eve. He proceeds to say Eve
is watching her but Miz comes out to invite Swagger
into the ring. Eve decides to take a hike (instead
of hiking up something). Bourne gets a suicide dive
on both to pick up the ten count win.
Miz looks like he’s gonna cry as we go
Random Commercial Thought: We
have robots in the borderlands.
Back to the
show. We find out the Osbournes are hosting next
week. Oh God help us. Jamie Noble is in the ring…uh
because? Joey and Kyle interrupt to say his opponent
is Sheamus. Somebody put some fucking pants on this
guy. Please. I’m blind now. MY EYES IT’S IN MY EYES
AAAAAHAHHHHHG! At least he doesn’t go into battle
naked like Celts.
Sheamus vs. Jamie Noble
Sheamus kicks Jamie to the floor right away. He
stomps Jamie into the ring steps before throwing him
back in. Sheamus drops some elbows back in the ring
and covers for two, pulling Noble back up for a back
breaker hold. Noble fights out and is tossed to the
corner. Sheamus misses a corner charge but blocks a
roll up with a hand to the throat, kneeing Noble in
the stomach. Sheamus drops a knee to the back of the
head and rubs his face into the mat like an asshole
while the crowd sits on any sort of reaction.
Sheamus starts delivering some backbreakers before
finally knocking Noble out with a big double step
kick for three.
Commercial Thought: I buy weapons in the future to
Back to the show where they talk
about Batista beating up a tiny little man and the
other results from the PPV. It’s like they are
chastising us for not buying their crappy over
crowded PPV schedule. DX make their way out to the
ring to much fanfare and I can only bring myself to
wonder if they plan on further explaining their
legal action against Hornswoggle. Big Show is out
for the match as well.
Trips ducks a punch
and stops the match to grab a mic. He says he forgot
to tell them he had a meeting with the hosts that
they forgot the match has been changed to be a
Lumberjack match. The Lumberjacks are the Raw roster
that got screwed over. I like how Kofi changed back
into his ring gear since destroying Orton’s car.
Jericho sneaks out through the crowd with his belts
and trophy. Michaels stops things again to say they
also forgot it’s a No DQ match too. There’s also a
special guest referee. Jesus this is stipulation
city. The ref is Cena himself. Trips ducks a Big
Show charge and lets him descend into the pits as we
go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought:
Get out while you still can, Vampires control The
Triple H vs. The Big Show (Super Ultra Gimmick
Match of Gimmickries)
Trips is on Big
Show’s back now with a sleeper hold. Big Show
apparently fought off the Roster with head butts
earlier. Trips tries to lift Big Show afterword and
Show just falls on him for a two count. Trips comes
back with a kick but runs right into a huge spear.
Big Show continues to hammer Trips around into the
corner with chops and walks on his back. Big Show
decides to take a breather despite us running a bit
late now and works the old nerve hold. He gives a
head butt when Trips tries to fight out. This
is something Trips has to do on his own (HELP ME GOD
PLEASE) Like a hero. Some taunting gets Big Show to
go to town on Trips with hits. Masters trips Show up
and Big Show drags him in to knock him out with a
Trips rallies, hitting the knee but
completely unable to down the Big Show. Show gets a
throat grab but Trips counters to a DDT for two.
Trips dodges a corner charge but Show counters an
attempted Pedigree with a back body drop. Show
climbs the middle rope and drops a sloppy body slam
for two when Cena conveniently hurts his counting
arm and stretches it out. They get in each others
faces before Show turns into dropkicks from Chavo
and Primo. Swagger and Miz are fought off after
hitting clotheslines in the corner. They manage to
down Show with a body slam from Henry and Bourne
delivers Air Bourne. Santino goes for his little
hand puppet attack but Show grabs his throat. Cena
stops things with an FU and trips puts a Smackdown
shirt on for a Superkick from HBK and a pedigree for
Well at least
that was pretty amusing. Joey and Kyle take their
dear sweet time announcing who the challenger is
going to be now. God, it’s late guys let’s go….they
say they couldn’t decide who it would be until one
guy put them on the same page…Hornswoggle. It will
be a Triple Threat match between Cena and DX.
Apparently he didn’t take the court order too well.
Highlight of the Night: Jericho and Kofi
put on an awesome showing, great television match.
Lowlight of the Night: The intergender tag
was underwhelming and just an excuse to fit Horny
WWE “Creative” Award:
Hornswoggle the most important plot point of the
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SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).