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RAW RANT:
(10/26/09)
By Cameron Burge

Hey folks, did you see Bragging Rights? Yeah, neither did anyone else….anywhere. In case you missed it, Big Show betrayed Raw in the end to attack Kofi and Trips and have Jericho pick up the Smackdown win. It was kind of like a backstabbing in a movie only more predictable somehow. I didn’t think it was possible.

Raw 10.26.09

Show opens with a recap of Bragging Rights and Jericho and Show come to the ring. Big Show keeps trying to say he’s still proud to be on Raw but Jericho keeps interrupting him and hogging credit. Big Show just looks confused saying he did it for himself and his own career. He struck a deal with Teddy Long to get a title shot against Undertaker if he betrayed Raw. Jericho demands he should have needed to give approval so our guest hosts interrupt them by driving their cars in the parking lot. Oh by the way Nascar drivers are hosting tonight, Kyle Bush and some other guy who I always seem to miss the name of. Why does wrestling always assume I actually watch sports? They drive the cars into the arena.

The other guy is Joey I guess and they sort of argue with the worst line reads EVER. Shut up. Shut up! Please stop talking! Kyle congrats Big Show and Joey condemns him. Kyle insults the city to get some cheap heel heat. Joey makes a match between Show and Trips. Jericho wishes him good luck and tries to brag about his trophy before they make him a match. Kyle says he has 58 just like it. He says Jericho is against Kofi Johnson-er-Kingston. Kingston appears the third time he says his name correctly like some kind of wrestling version of the Candyman as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m cooking burritos.

Back to the show and the match.

Kofi Kingston vs. Chris Jericho

They dick around for a bit before Jericho kicks Kofi around, beating him down with some pretty week looking punches that for seemingly no reason absolutely wreck Kingston’s shit. Kingston comes back with a kick to the face in the corner and a dropkick. He starts to work Jericho’s arm on the ground and picks up a two count. They roll around on the ground and trade rest holds. After Jericho takes some notes on how to apply headlocks he gets tossed to the floor where Kofi suicide dives. We amazingly manage to not cut to commercial and the action spills back inside but Jericho drops Kingston on his head. Kofi crawls up to the apron and eats the springboard dropkick from Jericho as we actually go to commercial this time.

Random Commercial Thought: Wut?

Back to the match where Jericho racks Kofi’s neck on the bottom rope. Kingston crawls back in only to get pinned for two. Jericho continues to work him over but he tries for a knee leap into the corner only for Kingston to slip out. Kingston rallies back and sets up Boom Boom Boom which Cole says is called the Boom Drop now. Jericho grabs the legs for the Walls after the leg drop but Kingston escapes only to eat an enziguiri for two. Jericho works Kingston to the corner but Kofi slip out with a kick to the face. Kofi tries to go up and Jericho cuts him off. Kofi blocks a superplex and throws Jericho off before coming down with a cross body. Jericho rolls through for two. Kofi levels Jericho with a clothesline counter into Russian Leg Sweep.

Kofi slaps his legs and delivers the Trouble in Paradise but Jericho catches his legs and counters to the walls. Kofi manages to roll Jericho up out of the Walls for two but Jericho pops up with the Code breaker only for Kingston to make the ropes. Jericho thinks he won and tries to celebrate and argue. Jericho turns around into Trouble in Paradise for three.
Winner: Kofi

Great match, been a while since these two have been given enough time to show off in the ring. Orton then attacks Kingston from behind and throws him off the stage. It’s because he’s black isn’t it? Yeah it is. Big crowd chant for Cena on this.

Random Commercial Thought: New Moon is fucking gay.

Orton is back with the show saying Kingston is the reason he lost his match last night. Cody Rhodes then shows up to look incredibly gay in his little poncho as usual. He and Ted suck off Orton for a bit and offer him gifts. It’s an Orton Nascar car. Retarded. Orton can’t stop staring at his own face on the hood. Rhodes says they have another surprise involving Cena because apparently we need this feud needs to keep going into infinity. Joey and Kyle are talking about who is better to some random whore whose name I can’t remember when Jack Swagger shows up to gloat some. He wants to fight Cena for the title. They tell him no but they are going to pick his next challenger tonight. The Miz interrupts to say Jack is far from a WWE Championship while he himself wants a title shot. If Miz ever upgrades from his shit title to a real one I might kill myself. The crowd is even finishing his lines these days…

Elsewhere, Melina and Santino are walking through some paparazzi, must have them confused for both halves of Lady Gaga separated from each other.

Random Commercial Thought: Try to hold it in so she doesn’t notice.

Back to the show where we get a promo for Sheamus debuting tonight…yeah I didn’t care either. Santino and Melina make their way out to take on Chavo and Jillian.

Chavo & Jillian vs. Santino & Diva’s Champion Melina

Chavo slaps Santino in the back of the head who laughs and knocks him flat a few times. Santino bombs a flying fist drop and Chavo kicks him around. He chokes Santino down in the corner and delivers an uppercut for the two. Are these teams some kind of Mexican affirmative actions? One Mexican designated for each team? Santino comes back and winds up his punch combo into eye poke. Chavo dives to the tag. Santino talks trash to Jillian who slaps him. Santino tags in Melina. Melina works Jillian over while Hornswoggle comes out to taut Chavo and distract him. Melina tries a sunset flip on Jillian who grabs the ropes so she cuts her off with that standing leg drop into the splits move. Whats it called? Venerial Disease?
Winners: Santino and Melina

Hornswoggle receives a folder in a green envelope from some executive and has King read it. It’s a cease and desist order from DX to make him stop dressing like DX and doing the chop. LOL get fucked by Trips’ lawyers, son! Oh look Cena, oops commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Tekken 6 coming out at midnight. Time to get juggled like the laws of gravity are its bitch!

Back to the show where Cena is announced to be introduced but Legacy enters instead because um…I dunno. Rhodes says the champ is not here. They say they are challenging Cena for the title because Orton isn’t allowed to challenge anymore. They try to challenge Cena into a stupid match but of course being a face Cena is required to carry an idiot ball with him and respond to this. Cena comes out to talk about how neither one of these guys is much of anything. Cena points out that we’ve been watching reruns of this fucking rivalry forever. Cena says he got them a match though to get them a tryout to try and earn their right to be challengers. They’re taking on MVP and the fat sack of crap he’s been carrying around for the last couple of months.

Random Commercial Thought: Half a million people can definitely be wrong. A lot.

Back to the show.

MVP & Mark Henry vs. Legacy

MVP is getting worked over in the corner by both guys. Rhodes tags in and knees him in the face, punching MVP around the ring before using a snap mare to transition to a rest hold so he can work off all that hard work he just put in for two seconds. MVP blocks a hip toss with a clothesline and makes the tag. Henry levels Rhodes and delivers a head butt before lifting him up for a choke. MVP retardedly ends up distracting the ref so Dibaise comes in from behind with a chop block. They work Henry to the corner where Ted switches in to choke and kick him down. MVP takes a cheap shot from Ted and tries to get in allowing the double dropkick from Legacy for two.

Rhodes in now with a headlock. He’s having trouble locking a head the size of one of those big watermellons. Henry backdrops Rhodes out and makes the tag. Dibiase is in and gets tossed around by MVP. MVP  hits a face buster and goes to some Ballin’. He picks up two when Rhodes makes the save. Henry takes Rhodes out with a head butt.  Behind the ref they delivers a Sunset Flip and clothesline combo to Dibaise for the three.
Winners: MVP and Henry

After the match Daddy Orton comes out to face his pupils. Orton demands he get his rematch even if he has to go to the board of directors. Kofi Kingston interrupts to say Orton lost and no one cares. Orton demands to know who he thinks he is. I like how he lost that accent randomly. The camera pans to reveal Kofi is standing on Orton’s new pretty car. Kofi wants to show him how durable the car is with a little demonstration. Ends up with some keying of the car like the time I carved pictures into some asshole’s sports car. He also starts hacking into the hood and destroying the window. Haha, black vandalism. He also pours paint on it. I love how Orton just takes it all instead of going to the back to stop it a long time ago.

Random Commercial Thought: Help me out here, why did we make Ninja Assassin?

Back to the show where Eve tries to be Lillian and pretty much fails at it. Also Evan Bourne is going to take on Miz to fill up some time.

Evan Bourne vs. US Champion The Miz (Non-title Match)

Quick tie up with Miz delivering some big rights. Miz trips his legs out from under him when Bourne attempts a kick to the head. Miz starts stomping Bourne out and choking him on the ropes. Miz goes to a chicken wing on the ground. I like how Bourne sells crazy arm holds like that with his flexibility. Bourne escapes and comes back with a knee thrust to the face for one. Evan starts delivering hard kicks and a head scissors before picking up a two count. Miz forces him back to the corner and hammers him down to the floor while Swagger comes out. I sometimes think he painted that grin on. Swagger says no one is watching the match, it’s Eve. He proceeds to say Eve is watching her but Miz comes out to invite Swagger into the ring. Eve decides to take a hike (instead of hiking up something). Bourne gets a suicide dive on both to pick up the ten count win.
Winner: Bourne

Miz looks like he’s gonna cry as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: We have robots in the borderlands.

Back to the show. We find out the Osbournes are hosting next week. Oh God help us. Jamie Noble is in the ring…uh because? Joey and Kyle interrupt to say his opponent is Sheamus. Somebody put some fucking pants on this guy. Please. I’m blind now. MY EYES IT’S IN MY EYES AAAAAHAHHHHHG! At least he doesn’t go into battle naked like Celts.

Sheamus vs. Jamie Noble

Sheamus kicks Jamie to the floor right away. He stomps Jamie into the ring steps before throwing him back in. Sheamus drops some elbows back in the ring and covers for two, pulling Noble back up for a back breaker hold. Noble fights out and is tossed to the corner. Sheamus misses a corner charge but blocks a roll up with a hand to the throat, kneeing Noble in the stomach. Sheamus drops a knee to the back of the head and rubs his face into the mat like an asshole while the crowd sits on any sort of reaction. Sheamus starts delivering some backbreakers before finally knocking Noble out with a big double step kick for three.
Winner: Sheamus

Random Commercial Thought: I buy weapons in the future to avoid taxes.

Back to the show where they talk about Batista beating up a tiny little man and the other results from the PPV. It’s like they are chastising us for not buying their crappy over crowded PPV schedule. DX make their way out to the ring to much fanfare and I can only bring myself to wonder if they plan on further explaining their legal action against Hornswoggle. Big Show is out for the match as well.

Trips ducks a punch and stops the match to grab a mic. He says he forgot to tell them he had a meeting with the hosts that they forgot the match has been changed to be a Lumberjack match. The Lumberjacks are the Raw roster that got screwed over. I like how Kofi changed back into his ring gear since destroying Orton’s car. Jericho sneaks out through the crowd with his belts and trophy. Michaels stops things again to say they also forgot it’s a No DQ match too. There’s also a special guest referee. Jesus this is stipulation city. The ref is Cena himself. Trips ducks a Big Show charge and lets him descend into the pits as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Get out while you still can, Vampires control The Matrix.

Triple H vs. The Big Show (Super Ultra Gimmick Match of Gimmickries)

Trips is on Big Show’s back now with a sleeper hold. Big Show apparently fought off the Roster with head butts earlier. Trips tries to lift Big Show afterword and Show just falls on him for a two count. Trips comes back with a kick but runs right into a huge spear. Big Show continues to hammer Trips around into the corner with chops and walks on his back. Big Show decides to take a breather despite us running a bit late now and works the old nerve hold. He gives a head butt when Trips tries to fight out.  This is something Trips has to do on his own (HELP ME GOD PLEASE) Like a hero. Some taunting gets Big Show to go to town on Trips with hits. Masters trips Show up and Big Show drags him in to knock him out with a punch.

Trips rallies, hitting the knee but completely unable to down the Big Show. Show gets a throat grab but Trips counters to a DDT for two. Trips dodges a corner charge but Show counters an attempted Pedigree with a back body drop. Show climbs the middle rope and drops a sloppy body slam for two when Cena conveniently hurts his counting arm and stretches it out. They get in each others faces before Show turns into dropkicks from Chavo and Primo. Swagger and Miz are fought off after hitting clotheslines in the corner. They manage to down Show with a body slam from Henry and Bourne delivers Air Bourne. Santino goes for his little hand puppet attack but Show grabs his throat. Cena stops things with an FU and trips puts a Smackdown shirt on for a Superkick from HBK and a pedigree for the three.
Winner: Trips

Well at least that was pretty amusing. Joey and Kyle take their dear sweet time announcing who the challenger is going to be now. God, it’s late guys let’s go….they say they couldn’t decide who it would be until one guy put them on the same page…Hornswoggle. It will be a Triple Threat match between Cena and DX. Apparently he didn’t take the court order too well.

Highlight of the Night: Jericho and Kofi put on an awesome showing, great television match.

Lowlight of the Night: The intergender tag was underwhelming and just an excuse to fit Horny in.

WWE “Creative” Award: Hornswoggle the most important plot point of the night? Seriously?

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).