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WWE RAW RANT

by Cameron Burge

October 24, 2011


Welcome back to the last ever Best Damn Raw Rant, Period. It’s been a wild ride, but it’s time we came to a close. Seven years of raw rants. What better way to end it…than to shit all over everything like I always do!

Raw 10.24.11

The show opens with a recap of events from Vengeance including the much unneeded return of Kevin Nash and we move straight into Triple H’s entrance. Let’s do the time warp agaaaaiiin. Trips takes his damn sweet time in getting around to talking. He looks like he forgot to shower today. He also namedrops Killer Kowalski for some reason. He says you can either make friends or make friends. He says he lived by that, which explains why he’s such a dickwad. He says he thought he had friends too though. Surprise! He name drops his friends like Sean Waltman who gets as much heat as he ever got in his career, which is to say a completely apathetic response.

The crowd is so deathly silent while he talks that I’m afraid X-Pac heat might have spread like disease. He has to do the little wolfpac sign in order to get a mild pop. He recounts getting power bombed last night and accuses Nash of trying to break his neck, which is likely because he sucks at delivering that power bomb. He calls Nash out for an ass kicking. A pretty big Triple H chant here. Johnny Ace responds instead, it takes some yelling for his hoarse voice to even be audible. He says Nash is at home. Trips tells him to fuck the shut up. He warns him not to enter the ring or else. Ten minutes of promos already? Check. It really is like the old Triple H is back. He demands John scour the building for Nash and bring him back or else he will personally embarrass the entire company. He demands Nash be offered a contract o that he can rape him, or he will go to his house…you know like he did to Orton.

Shouldn’t he be arrested for these threats? Trips proceeds to stalk out. Nash then drops him from behind with a sledgehammer when he turns to look at Ace from the ramp. Ace says he isn’t supposed to be here while Nash single-handedly defeats all of security and casually strolls out of the building. Trips has a seizure and starts foaming at he mouth….you serious, bro?

Random Commercial Thought: Say cheese and then move your bowels two days later.

Cole and King have a serious Owen moment about Triple H. Because we haven’t wasted enough of the show on Kevin Nash yet, we decide to replay all the moments some more while the announcers recap things. If I hadn’t eaten so much cheese, I would take this moment to go take a shit. Elsewhere in the back now, Triple H is on the stretched and being loaded in while Kevin Nash threatens all of the paramedics with sledgehammer. He drags Trips off the stretcher and beats him more with the hammer, while Security literally just stands there in complete, soul-crushing fear of an old man. They finally drag him off as they pretend Trips might be dead. We watch every single excruciating minute of him bing loaded into the ambulance….and then more commercials. Holy. Fucking. Shit.

Random Commercial Thought: The Blackula outfit on Psych looks more interesting than this show.

Back to the show where promos matter. Holy crap we are still watching ambulance footage and we replay everything that happened yet again. DO A MATCH. Fuck, guys. We decide to follow this up with Randy Orton coming out for a tag team match. I predicted every competitor in this match after just seeing Randy Orton. Sometimes, things are just way too predictable. Cole says Sheamus is doing a battle cry used by Celtic warriors to intimidate their enemies. They also ran around with their dongs hanging out to intimidate their enemies.

Randy Orton & Sheamus vs. Christian & Cody Rhodes

Christian starts things off with Orton with a look on his face that just says “I’m doing the job, I know.” Christian winds up on Orton and puts him in the corner, but Orton runs his ass over with a return clothesline and back body drop. Orton starts stomping away at his ankles and tags out to Sheamus, slinging Christian into the slingshot shoulder block from Sheamus for two. Christian delivers a shot to Sheamus then runs to Cody for the tag. Cody takes the brunt of a Sheamus assault with a back body drop and hammering blows over the chest. Cole gives us more Irish history. Sheamus delivers another flying shoulder block from the apron to the floor on Christian, but Rhodes is recovered enough to stomp the shit out of him when he comes back. Rhodes picks up two off of a Russian leg sweep.

Cole and King are inexplicably nice to each other and actually calling the fucking match. I’m shocked.

Random Commercial Thought: Zombies, man. They creep me out.

Christian is choking Sheamus out over the ropes, allowing for some cheap-shotting by Rhodes. Orton has to chase him off. Sheamus escapes a Killswitch with a one handed power bomb toss. Just a weird ass spot. Orton gets the tag and fires up on Christian with his moves of doom. Orton delivers his suplex, neck breaker for a two count and then goes for the DDT, but Orton is caught in a rope choke. They then just repeat the spot, so it looked botched. Orton spins into his little ground slam an it looks like he might have hurt his arm again like a moron. Cody provides a distraction though and Christian hits a top rope spinning elbow.

Cody gets the tag and starts tearing into Orton, but can only get one counts. Orton starts fighting back, but Rhodes drops him with a dropkick and tags out to Christian. Christian works a chinlock so hard it’s like he trying to remind Orton of his roots. Christian leaps off the middle rope with the “I’m flailing my arms open to allow you to hit me” move. Orton picks a dropkick. Sheamus gets the tag and unleashes on Rhodes. A knee lift leads into the Irish Curse for two. Sheamus signals the High Cross, but Christian distracts. Sheamus misses the Brogue Kick, allowing a Beautiful Disaster. Christian spears Sheamus behind the ref’s back. Orton saves the pin, and he nails Christian with an RKO. Rhodes dumps Orton and goes for another Beautiful Disaster, but Sheamus counters with the Brogue Kick. It seems they botched the spot and Rhodes only gets caught in the knee, but Sheamus finishes with the High Cross.

Winners: Sheamus & Orton

Cole is calling it the Celtic Cross now, which is what they used to call Finaly’s finisher I believe. His only legacy now is a midget. They reshow Truth and Miz helping ADR keep the title. I’m amused how they paused awkwardly when they realized R-Truth’s flatliner still has no name. Johnny Ace is on the phone talking to Steph who might be accusing him of letting this happen. David is here, bow tie and all to provide advice when Cena arrives. Cena tells “Carl Banks” to hit the bricks and says they need to talk. Cena demands a match against Truth and Miz. Ace grants them a match and Ace says he will assign Cena a partner for the match. Holy crap!…I don’t care!

Random Commercial Thought: Can’t wait for Muppets.

Santino is jobber entrancing as we return. At least he got to dance. But now Dolph is gonna kill him.

US Champion Dolph Ziggler w/ Jack Swagger & Vickie Guerrero vs. Santino Marella (Non-Title Match)

Santino tries some of his flailing kicks as Ziggler ducks into the corner. Santino arm drags Ziggler and taunts before chasing him completing away with the cobra. Dolph hits him with a head butt and starts to stomp away. Ziggler lands a dropkick and tandem taunts with Swagger. Dolph fires up, but Santino does the split and his hip toss before hitting the diving head butt. Santino fires up the cobra, but has to chase off Swagger with it, allowing a Zig Zag from Ziggler.

Winner: Ziggler

Swagger locks on the ankle lock on Santino after the match and in comes Ryan. Ryan runs Swagger down with a huge boot as he stalks around like he just shit himself. Mason Ryan. Friendly giant to comedy jobber everywhere. Elsewhere, the Bella Twins are hanging out when Ryder comes by celebrating big that he was chosen to be John Cena’s partner. The rock will be back to wrestling at Survivor Series, we are told, and let’s face it. It’s probably not going to be any better than it ever was.

Random Commercial Thought: That old woman mask is scaring the fucking shit out of me.

Welcome back to more promos. ADR is introduced by Ricardo which takes several minutes. ADR gives a speech about how he defeated Cena and proved himself to be the better man. He says he’s done with him and will be moving on to new challengers, but the problem is he doesn’t seem to have any. Of course, cue CM Punk. Big chants for Punk here as he has a complaint about Alberto insinuating no one can beat him. Punk points out he’s beaten ADR several times, including just four weeks ago on Raw. He points out he still hasn’t received his one on one rematch. ADR says he will defend his title against any worthy opponent, but Punk isn’t worthy, he lost his match at the PPV. By that I assume he means he happened to be featured in the Triple H match. He tells Punk to come and see him when he gets a victory against somebody.

Punk just pauses to let the crowd chants build, but he says he had a feeling he might bring all that up. Punk says he’s right and he might not deserve a title shot and he’s at the back of the line, and maybe he’s a loser (so why don’t you kill me). Punk then says maybe he’ll just put him to sleep anyway and along comes Johnny Ace. Punk helps show Ace where he needs to put his microphone so people can actually hear him. Ace makes the match between them for Survivor Series. Punk asks to know what the catch is gonna be. There is one thing he has to do though….he has to say he actually respects Johnny Ace due to his position in the company. Punk says respect is earned and not given. He points out how things are no better now. Ace cuts him off before he makes things worse. Punk says “I respect you, Funkman.” in his best Johnny Ace voice. More Punk chants. Less wrestling than ever before.

Punk says he respects him then lists off all the problems with Ace and the goofy things about him that he also respects. Punk gets in his face, yelling that he respects him and asks if that is good enough. Ace says that isn’t good enough and is going to take another week to think about his title shot now. Punk then asks him to think about the ass kicking he proceeds to give ADR. Ricardo makes the save and gets a GTS. Ricardo! Noooo! Por Queeeeee?! How will he ever continue his porn career now?

Random Commercial Thought: Bad Teacher is a Bad Movie.

Back to the show where Natalya and Beth are here with Beth on the announce desk. Alicia Fox is coming to the ring, but somehow the camera on her entrance fucks up badly so we miss most of it.

Alicia Fox vs. Natalya

Natalya taunts and eats some shot from Alicia. Alicia tries to leap frog over Natalya, but she stops short and just clips Fox’s knee out. Natalya starts slamming her around by the hair and clotheslines Alicia flat before putting on a spinning leg lock. This is a lot like how their matches went when the heel/face roles were reversed. Alicia reverses the hold, but Natalya grabs the ropes. Natalya kicks Alicia in the side and chokes her out in the corner. Natalya charges into a boot in the corner and gets sunset flipped by Alicia for three. We see Eve and Kelly laughing at this.

Winner: Fox

Huh. Well, she gets the shit kicked out of her after the match, but she manages to slip away before much damage is done. Alicia has possibly the most generic music I have ever heard in my entire life.

Random Commercial Thought: Where has the love gone?

Back to the show for the John Morrison jobbing segment.

John Morrison vs. Wade Barrett

Cole is too busy talking about JR now and twitter that will be shown later. Morrison is taking it to Wade, and gets suicide dived through the ropes when he tries to take a walk. Morrison gets hit with a mule kick and thrown into the security wall by Wade as we go right back to commercials. Who wanted to see wrestling anyway.

Random Commercial Thought: Teaching is an art. Abstract art.

Back To the show where Wade runs Morrison down with a big boot after a rest hold. Wade starts to knee Morrison repeatedly after tying him up in the ropes and then sends him to the floor after a big running kick. Morrison is getting crushed so bad it’s almost depressing. Wade charges Morrison into the edge of the ring and picks up a two count. Wade works another rest hold. Morrison comes back with a knee to the face, but Wade makes the ropes at two. Morrison wraps around Wade into a pin for two, only to finally get dropped for two with a bossman slam from Wade. Wade tries to set up wasteland, but Morrison counters into a Russian Legsweep and goes for Starship pain. That went about as well as expected. I lost my signal here, but I assume Wade just finished with Wasteland.

Winner: Barrett

Oh boy, more replay of Nash/Trips stuff. Cole then does a series of JR photoshops and it’s boring. He then goes on to challenge Jim Ross to a challenge where JR will earn his seat back at the announce desk and Cole will quit if JR wins. You can tell how much everyone cares by the entire lack of a reaction.

Random Commercial Thought: We need to give children working laser guns. Weed out the weak ones.

Back to the show where Ryder cuts a promo about how awesome his fist-pumping is compared to Miz and Truth’s. I’m serious. They then beat him down and completely destroy him in the back. Truth and Miz come out to say they are going to kill Cena dead basically. His catch-phrases won’t save him. They put that into a lot more words, but you can only recap so many promos before you implode like a black hole.

Random Commercial Thought: Deez nuts can dance.

Back to the show for the John Cena overcomes the odds match. John Cena comes out and stands right next to a guy in a “We Hate Cena” shirt. He takes his shirt off and gives it to the guy who is at least nice enough to hand it to the eight year old next to him rather than just throw it back.

John Cena vs. The Miz & R-Truth

Cena starts off against Miz and beats him down into the corner. Cena annihilates Miz in the corner. Cena delivers a fisherman suplex, but Miz tags out. Truth gets the shit kicked out of him two. Cena drops an elbow and Truth runs to the tag too. Miz takes his time coming back in before Cena catches his first kick. Cena hip tosses Miz and has to chase Truth off to the outside. Miz trips him up from behind and picks up a two count before stomping Cena into the corner for quick tags and classic double teaming. Cena chants are getting big, but we’ve still got several minutes left in this while Truth rest holds. Cena escapes and slams Truth, but he makes the tag. Cena is getting pummeled by Miz before he can even get up. Miz signals and hits the hanging clothesline while we get more Triple H updates no one cares about. Miz comes off the top with a double axe handle and chokes Cena out before Truth tags back in.

Decent sized Cena sucks chant which eventually turns into a dueling chant. Truth drags Cena by the leg around, but Cena kicks him off. He manages to snatch Truth from a tag and deliver a proto bomb, but Truth gets the tag afterward. Cena ducks a corner charge from Miz and goes into his moves of doom. Cena signals a Five Knuckle Shuffle and it surprisingly hits. Cena scoops for the FU, and Truth makes the save with the water bottle of doom. What the fuck are things made of, kryptonite?

Winner: Cena

They both beat the crap out of Cena and take turns on finishers. Johnny Ace comes out and demands they stop, saying they have disrespected him. He then tells them to get the fuck out and they are escorted away by the refs who apparently are the best for this job, being deathly afraid of them and all. Ace tells them to hold on and then decides to put them in a legitimate match. He says he will allow Cena to choose his own partner for Survivor Series in a match. Cena steels the mic from Ace. Cena says anyone on the WWE roster…and then realizes he can choose anyone he wants, obviously thinking of The Rock. He says his partner has to be somebody who is going to Bring It and he lets the crowd chant for Rocky before inviting Rock to join him in his match. He then spit’s a HUGE fucking loogey onto the microphone and it’s hanging from the mic to his mouth. You can actually hear the announcers laughing at this and they are still trying to hide it when they start talking.

Highlight of the Night: The “opening” tag minute (opening by being twenty five minutes in).

Lowlight of the Night: Kevin Nash/Triple H marathon.

WWE “Creative” Award: Why have Dolph wrestle twice at Vengeance then do the Mason Ryan run in on Raw instead?

Closing Comment: It’s been great. I’m saying adios. Just remember, when you hear a cry of rage in the middle of your Monday Night. It’s probably me.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).