back! Yours truly has been pretty sick and busy
these last couple of weeks. Midterms aren’t quite
over yet, but how could I possibly let my adoring
public keep missing me? Both of you. Tonight’s show
is hosted by Snoop Dogg….um, because? I don’t know
why. In other news, NCIS is still a fucking terrible
and unrealistic show that appeals to jarheads and
show opens with Snoop Dogg coming out with some
divas in skirts because um….women are attracted to
greasy, useless old black dudes? That sounds about
right to me. He starts to talk to us like he thinks
he’s freestyling before mentioning tonight might be
Cena’s last Raw match so he’s going to take on
Triple H tonight. Orton is going to go against Ted
Dibiase…wait what? Jericho is up against Michaels. I
think Snoop forgot where to emphasize his words
because he seems to get excited during all the wrong
parts of his speech but whatever. Here’s DX. A quick
aside, didn’t one other guest host already make me
watch the failure of Dibiase and Orton already? I
think my head almost exploded from the amount of
headlock boredom that descended upon the ring during
those dark days. At least, the match felt like it
took days anyway. Snoop sneaks out of the ring while
DX is coming in, probably to go get arrested with
some illegal substances.
Triple H says it’s a
law that white guys have to talk like Snoop after
he’s been around. Shawn does it for us before they
start doing terrible jokes that make me want to cry.
This Sunday is Bragging Rights, worse named PPV
ever. Team Smackdown looks like shit. They make a
reference to fucking a corpse over Kane. They insult
the unspectacular Smackdown team and somehow seem to
shamelessly mention Trips fucking Stephanie. I Like
how they made fun of that team and have Cody Rhodes
on their own team. Why exactly are they hanging out
with two guys they hate in Big Show and Rhodes
anyway? They introduce the team but walk away before
Rhodes thinks he should
be team captain and won’t tag in anyone in. Big Show
takes offense to this. Of course, Henry can’t take
Show’s shittalking sitting down like he does all his
cakes backstage. Swagger decides he wants to be cool
too, getting in and saying he’s athletically better
than both. Kofi tries to pep talk everyone saying
they can only lose if they fight with each other.
Trips says he has a problem and demands to know if
Kofi is really Jamaican or not and where his accent
went. I’ve been wondering the same thing for weeks.
DX reveals that in a 5 man tag match tonight, if any
of them lose, they will be replaced by whoever beats
them. Sounds fun. MVP leads the opposition with
Masters, Chavo, Primo and Bourne.
Commercial Thought: Saw 6 tries to bring a much
needed conclusions to the series soon.
match is already in progress as we return.
Team Raw vs. Team Fill-in
getting pinned for one by Chavo before flipping
Guerrero over. Kofi batches his little leap into the
corner on Chavo before knocking Chavo down and
trying to pump the team. Big Show and Henry both try
to tag themselves in and so Cody just tags Kingston
the normal way and gets in while everyone else
argues on the apron. Cody gets countered to the
corner for MVP to make the tag.
Cody has MVP
rocked and teases a tag to Henry before clothes
lining MVP. MVP forces Rhodes back to the corner and
Bourne is in with a cross body that Rhodes rolls
through for two. Headlock by you guess who before he
tries a suplex but Bourne knees him in the face.
Primo comes in with some elbows and clotheslines. He
ducks a clothesline and hits a Russian Legsweep on
Rhodes. Rhodes dodges a dropkick and levels Primo
with Crossroads. Swagger tags in and pins Primo for
Winners: Team Raw
Swagger dumps Rhodes and Kofi gets squashed between
Show and Henry. Swagger tries to attack Kofi and
Henry dumps him before Big Show levels Henry with a
spear. The Purple People Eater makes his way out
from the ring in victory. We get a recap of last
week’s tag match with Cena and Orton before we cut
to the back where Orton gets up in Dibiase’s face,
demanding he not fight back tonight. What a dick. Oh
Random Commercial Thought:
James Bond movies aren’t really very good at all.
Why are there so fucking many?
Back to the
show where Dibiase is waiting for his assraping like
a man in the ring.
Randy Orton vs. Ted Dibiase
stares Dibiase down and looks for him to lay down so
he kicks Dibiase in the stomach. Dibiase drags
himself back up and eats an uppercut. Yes sir, may I
have another? Dibiase looks all pissed off but takes
it as Orton kicks him flat on his back and talks
some shit. He then proceeds to continue this
painfully slow ass kicking. King wonders how much
Dibiase can take as I wonder if five kicks is really
all that much. Dibiase gets pushed all around
finally pushes Orton right on his ass so he gets up
face to face a delivers an RKO for three.
That was a waste of seven minutes of my
life. We do a video package for Lou Albano who sadly
Random Commercial Thought: Let’s
just pretend we never had this conversation.
My computer crashed the first time I typed this part
up but luckily nothing of importance at all happened
except a comedy segment with Snoop backstage
involving Jillian, Chavo and Santino dressed as
Charlie Brown. Snoop looks to be lighting up some
ganja when we have technical difficulties (including
a hilarious picture of Hornswoggle being hugged by
Michael Cole). We then come back to find that he lit
therapeutic candles instead. Your PPV dollars at
Random Commercial Thought: Two
computer crashes? What a night.
Back to the
show where Cena returns to the ring to take on
Triple H. Trips takes like five days to get to the
vs. Triple H
They dick around for a
bit with headlocks, better get a sandwich.
Eventually they trade some quick take downs and
shoulder blocks with Cena gaining the upper hand.
Cena overpowers Trips in a test of strength and my
GOD this match is wearing on slowly, we must have a
lot of time to kill for tonight. Triple H tries to
rally back while Cena forces him to a corner but he
finds himself getting sent flying to the floor as we
go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought:
Back to the show where
Trips has regained control by sending Cena to the
floor instead. He’s stomping Cena down against the
ropes and working over his back. Trips delivers a
few shoulder rams to the corner. Cena continues to
get his shit wrecked with a face buster and Trips
goes for the Pedigree but Cena counters with a drop
toe hold into the STF. Trips drags himself to the
ropes but Cena resets and drags Trips back to the
center but he can’t lock the hold back on before he
makes the ropes. Trips kicks him off and delivers
the pedigree this time. Trips goes for the cover but
Cena gets his foot on the rope as we go to
commercial yet again.
Thought: Get with the program or buy more soap.
Back to the show where Cena tires for an FU but
Trips slips out and knocks Cena down for a
Shaprshooter. Cena crawls to the ropes himself. I
kinda spaced out for a bit as the match continues
but I did bother to notice that Cena gets a pedigree
for his trouble but he kicks out because god damnit
he’s overcoming the odds. Cena is scooped back up
for another pedigree but he counters it with the FU
only for Trips to kick out as well. They crawl back
up and Trips does yet another pedigree to finally
end this match. It was like one of those online
matches where nothing matters until everyone starts
spamming their finisher.
Winner: Triple H
Cena looks mighty fucking depressed as he gets up to
salute the audience with a possible goodbye while in
the back Orton stares at a big screen all hunched
over like he’s taking a mad shit.
Commercial Thought: I like awesome face. He’s my
Back to the show where we replay
Morrison and Miz talking shit on Marty Jannety.
Snoop introduces to Miz after he gets to the ring
that his partner is Marty Jannety….again? Is he off
the drugs yet? I like how he’s fat but has tiny
little stick arms.
US Champion The Miz vs. Marty Jannety
Miz forces Marty to the corner who shoves his way
back out. Miz bombs a clothesline and eats some
right but he nails the next one and crushes Jannety
before going to a chin lock on the floor. Marty
rallies back and levels Miz before dropping a fist
from the top rope for two. Marty gets almost dumped
to the floor over the top rope but he falls back
into the “Skullcrushing Finale”. I bet he learned it
on Skullcrusher Mountain from Scarface.
Jillian and Chavo are discussing
something in the back, probably how their careers
came to this as we go to commercial.
Commercial Thought: Wasn’t Black Sheep also that
horror movie about the vampire sheep?
the show. Jillian is out to take on Melina for the
Diva’s title. Melina manages to trip on her way up
the stairs but unlike some people she fails to tear
Jillian Hall vs. Melina (Diva’s Championship)
Chavo distracts Melina so Jillian scoops her up for
a slam for two. She misses her handspring elbow to
the corner where a head scissors from Melina strops
her. Chavo distracts some more until Hornswoggle
pulls him off which distracts Jillian allowing for
slaps Hornswoggle around until Snoop casually trots
out with his bitch pigtails. God, he looks like such
a fag. Why does he get hot chicks? Oh yeah, money.
Chavo revs up and slaps Snoop like a women as Chavo
crouches behind him and Snoop delivers a
clothesline. Chavo peels off the shirt while Snoop
goes to some sloppy ass boxing pose. Snoop delivers
a sloppy spear to Chavo. God this embarrassing. The
divas come out to dance with them for way too long
as we go to commercial.
Thought: I spent this commercial watching Scary Maze
Game reaction videos.
On our way back
somebody realizes we’re running short on time
tonight and initiates the filler button to show us a
long as Orton/Cena montage about their encounters
over the last two years.
Thought: No seriously vampires are really gay; stop
Back to the show for Jericho
to waddle his way out. This match might not be very
long as we’re already into overtime tonight now
after all that time we wasted on the video package a
little bit ago. I want to know what’s up with the
gay greens scarf that Michaels is wearing. Is he
hiding vampire marks? Jericho decides to waste some
more time saying he could knock him out right now
and everyone knows it. He says he’s not going to do
anything and just keeps rambling for a bit. He then
reveals that he’s got his whole team out to beat
Michaels down as they surround the Raw captain from
all sides pretty quickly like horror movie villains.
Michaels has backup though and Team Raw appears. I
think you know how this ends. Vickie comes out and
says something I paid no attention to and everyone
fights. The end.
Highlight of the Night: Cody
Rhodes gets dissed as the wuss of the bunch.
Lowlight of the Night: Marty Jannety lulz.
WWE “Creative” Award: Marty
Send Feedback to
is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best
Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday
night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno"
(not to be confused with all those impostors out there)
Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to
assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man,
Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to
science. (which makes his current day to day life quite
uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).