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WWE
RAW RANT:
(10/19/09)
By Cameron Burge

Welcome back! Yours truly has been pretty sick and busy these last couple of weeks. Midterms aren’t quite over yet, but how could I possibly let my adoring public keep missing me? Both of you. Tonight’s show is hosted by Snoop Dogg….um, because? I don’t know why. In other news, NCIS is still a fucking terrible and unrealistic show that appeals to jarheads and boneheads.

Raw 10.19.09


The show opens with Snoop Dogg coming out with some divas in skirts because um….women are attracted to greasy, useless old black dudes? That sounds about right to me. He starts to talk to us like he thinks he’s freestyling before mentioning tonight might be Cena’s last Raw match so he’s going to take on Triple H tonight. Orton is going to go against Ted Dibiase…wait what? Jericho is up against Michaels. I think Snoop forgot where to emphasize his words because he seems to get excited during all the wrong parts of his speech but whatever. Here’s DX. A quick aside, didn’t one other guest host already make me watch the failure of Dibiase and Orton already? I think my head almost exploded from the amount of headlock boredom that descended upon the ring during those dark days. At least, the match felt like it took days anyway. Snoop sneaks out of the ring while DX is coming in, probably to go get arrested with some illegal substances.

Triple H says it’s a law that white guys have to talk like Snoop after he’s been around. Shawn does it for us before they start doing terrible jokes that make me want to cry. This Sunday is Bragging Rights, worse named PPV ever. Team Smackdown looks like shit. They make a reference to fucking a corpse over Kane. They insult the unspectacular Smackdown team and somehow seem to shamelessly mention Trips fucking Stephanie. I Like how they made fun of that team and have Cody Rhodes on their own team. Why exactly are they hanging out with two guys they hate in Big Show and Rhodes anyway? They introduce the team but walk away before introducing Rhodes.

Rhodes thinks he should be team captain and won’t tag in anyone in. Big Show takes offense to this. Of course, Henry can’t take Show’s shittalking sitting down like he does all his cakes backstage. Swagger decides he wants to be cool too, getting in and saying he’s athletically better than both. Kofi tries to pep talk everyone saying they can only lose if they fight with each other. Trips says he has a problem and demands to know if Kofi is really Jamaican or not and where his accent went. I’ve been wondering the same thing for weeks. DX reveals that in a 5 man tag match tonight, if any of them lose, they will be replaced by whoever beats them. Sounds fun. MVP leads the opposition with Masters, Chavo, Primo and Bourne.

Random Commercial Thought: Saw 6 tries to bring a much needed conclusions to the series soon.

The match is already in progress as we return.

Team Raw vs. Team Fill-in

Kofi is getting pinned for one by Chavo before flipping Guerrero over. Kofi batches his little leap into the corner on Chavo before knocking Chavo down and trying to pump the team. Big Show and Henry both try to tag themselves in and so Cody just tags Kingston the normal way and gets in while everyone else argues on the apron. Cody gets countered to the corner for MVP to make the tag.

Cody has MVP rocked and teases a tag to Henry before clothes lining MVP. MVP forces Rhodes back to the corner and Bourne is in with a cross body that Rhodes rolls through for two. Headlock by you guess who before he tries a suplex but Bourne knees him in the face. Primo comes in with some elbows and clotheslines. He ducks a clothesline and hits a Russian Legsweep on Rhodes. Rhodes dodges a dropkick and levels Primo with Crossroads. Swagger tags in and pins Primo for three. Weeeeaaaak.
Winners: Team Raw

Swagger dumps Rhodes and Kofi gets squashed between Show and Henry. Swagger tries to attack Kofi and Henry dumps him before Big Show levels Henry with a spear. The Purple People Eater makes his way out from the ring in victory. We get a recap of last week’s tag match with Cena and Orton before we cut to the back where Orton gets up in Dibiase’s face, demanding he not fight back tonight. What a dick. Oh look commercials!

Random Commercial Thought: James Bond movies aren’t really very good at all. Why are there so fucking many?

Back to the show where Dibiase is waiting for his assraping like a man in the ring.

Randy Orton vs. Ted Dibiase

Orton stares Dibiase down and looks for him to lay down so he kicks Dibiase in the stomach. Dibiase drags himself back up and eats an uppercut. Yes sir, may I have another? Dibiase looks all pissed off but takes it as Orton kicks him flat on his back and talks some shit. He then proceeds to continue this painfully slow ass kicking. King wonders how much Dibiase can take as I wonder if five kicks is really all that much. Dibiase gets pushed all around finally pushes Orton right on his ass so he gets up face to face a delivers an RKO for three.
Winner: Orton

That was a waste of seven minutes of my life. We do a video package for Lou Albano who sadly passed away.

Random Commercial Thought: Let’s just pretend we never had this conversation.

My computer crashed the first time I typed this part up but luckily nothing of importance at all happened except a comedy segment with Snoop backstage involving Jillian, Chavo and Santino dressed as Charlie Brown. Snoop looks to be lighting up some ganja when we have technical difficulties (including a hilarious picture of Hornswoggle being hugged by Michael Cole). We then come back to find that he lit therapeutic candles instead. Your PPV dollars at work folks.

Random Commercial Thought: Two computer crashes? What a night.

Back to the show where Cena returns to the ring to take on Triple H. Trips takes like five days to get to the ring.

John Cena vs. Triple H

They dick around for a bit with headlocks, better get a sandwich. Eventually they trade some quick take downs and shoulder blocks with Cena gaining the upper hand. Cena overpowers Trips in a test of strength and my GOD this match is wearing on slowly, we must have a lot of time to kill for tonight. Triple H tries to rally back while Cena forces him to a corner but he finds himself getting sent flying to the floor as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Better commercial-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6rE0EakhG8

Back to the show where Trips has regained control by sending Cena to the floor instead. He’s stomping Cena down against the ropes and working over his back. Trips delivers a few shoulder rams to the corner. Cena continues to get his shit wrecked with a face buster and Trips goes for the Pedigree but Cena counters with a drop toe hold into the STF. Trips drags himself to the ropes but Cena resets and drags Trips back to the center but he can’t lock the hold back on before he makes the ropes. Trips kicks him off and delivers the pedigree this time. Trips goes for the cover but Cena gets his foot on the rope as we go to commercial yet again.

Random Commercial Thought: Get with the program or buy more soap.

Back to the show where Cena tires for an FU but Trips slips out and knocks Cena down for a Shaprshooter. Cena crawls to the ropes himself. I kinda spaced out for a bit as the match continues but I did bother to notice that Cena gets a pedigree for his trouble but he kicks out because god damnit he’s overcoming the odds. Cena is scooped back up for another pedigree but he counters it with the FU only for Trips to kick out as well. They crawl back up and Trips does yet another pedigree to finally end this match. It was like one of those online matches where nothing matters until everyone starts spamming their finisher.
Winner: Triple H

Cena looks mighty fucking depressed as he gets up to salute the audience with a possible goodbye while in the back Orton stares at a big screen all hunched over like he’s taking a mad shit.

Random Commercial Thought: I like awesome face. He’s my hero.

Back to the show where we replay Morrison and Miz talking shit on Marty Jannety. Snoop introduces to Miz after he gets to the ring that his partner is Marty Jannety….again? Is he off the drugs yet? I like how he’s fat but has tiny little stick arms.

US Champion The Miz vs. Marty Jannety

Miz forces Marty to the corner who shoves his way back out. Miz bombs a clothesline and eats some right but he nails the next one and crushes Jannety before going to a chin lock on the floor. Marty rallies back and levels Miz before dropping a fist from the top rope for two. Marty gets almost dumped to the floor over the top rope but he falls back into the “Skullcrushing Finale”. I bet he learned it on Skullcrusher Mountain from Scarface.
Winner: Miz

Jillian and Chavo are discussing something in the back, probably how their careers came to this as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Wasn’t Black Sheep also that horror movie about the vampire sheep?

Back to the show. Jillian is out to take on Melina for the Diva’s title. Melina manages to trip on her way up the stairs but unlike some people she fails to tear a quad.

Jillian Hall vs. Melina (Diva’s Championship)


Chavo distracts Melina so Jillian scoops her up for a slam for two. She misses her handspring elbow to the corner where a head scissors from Melina strops her. Chavo distracts some more until Hornswoggle pulls him off which distracts Jillian allowing for Melina’s finisher.
Winner: Melina

Chavo slaps Hornswoggle around until Snoop casually trots out with his bitch pigtails. God, he looks like such a fag. Why does he get hot chicks? Oh yeah, money. Chavo revs up and slaps Snoop like a women as Chavo crouches behind him and Snoop delivers a clothesline. Chavo peels off the shirt while Snoop goes to some sloppy ass boxing pose. Snoop delivers a sloppy spear to Chavo. God this embarrassing. The divas come out to dance with them for way too long as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I spent this commercial watching Scary Maze Game reaction videos.

On our way back somebody realizes we’re running short on time tonight and initiates the filler button to show us a long as Orton/Cena montage about their encounters over the last two years.

Random Commercial Thought: No seriously vampires are really gay; stop making movies.

Back to the show for Jericho to waddle his way out. This match might not be very long as we’re already into overtime tonight now after all that time we wasted on the video package a little bit ago. I want to know what’s up with the gay greens scarf that Michaels is wearing. Is he hiding vampire marks? Jericho decides to waste some more time saying he could knock him out right now and everyone knows it. He says he’s not going to do anything and just keeps rambling for a bit. He then reveals that he’s got his whole team out to beat Michaels down as they surround the Raw captain from all sides pretty quickly like horror movie villains. Michaels has backup though and Team Raw appears. I think you know how this ends. Vickie comes out and says something I paid no attention to and everyone fights. The end.

Highlight of the Night: Cody Rhodes gets dissed as the wuss of the bunch.

Lowlight of the Night: Marty Jannety lulz.

WWE “Creative” Award: Marty Jannety? LOL

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).