I went to check what the
hype for tonight’s show was on WWE’s website, only
to find that every ad but one was politically based
in making WWE look good in light of the attacks on
Linda McMahon by her political opponent whose name I
can only assume is Bob McGiveafuck, because I don’t.
Vince gives a heartfelt video message about the
baseless accusations of WWE being a hole of sin and
debauchery. Clearly it is in fact a saint hood and
has never promoted vehicular homicide, public
nudity, pornography, rape, or necrophilia.
The show opens with
theme, pyro…and Teddy Long. He says he’s here
because he can and is taking over Raw tonight.
Michael Cole takes great joy in responding to an
immediate e-mail. The GM has this to say: “Get out
of my ring. Get out of my ring now.” The GM goes on
to say he has no business here. Teddy says Bragging
Rights is this Sunday and has a ref bring out the
trophy that will be given away. It looks like a
piece of shit. He says the trophy is Smackdown’s
because they laid the smack down on Raw last year.
The GM reiterates he better get out of the ring or
else. Cole and Long get up in each others’ faces.
Long then answers a series of angry e-mail sounds by
closing the computer. Oh is that all it took? You
don’t need to break it? Long then introduces us to
Smackdown’s team. Who the fuck is Tyler Reks? Wasn’t
he a surfer before?
Miz comes out to call
each member of Smackdown a Smurf (Smurfdown?). Miz
introduces his team for us, which isn’t much of a
surprise for us since we saw them all qualify last
week. He surprisingly sells Santino straight. Why
the fuck did we get saddled with Ezekiel Jackson
though? Does anyone on Raw remember this fuck? When
I saw him on Superstars, his gimmick was a muscle
builder face like some sort of blackface Lex Luger.
Miz tells them to get out of the ring or they will
make them get out. The brawl ensues of course. Miz
and the rest of Raw retreat to the floor after a
while or as cole puts it: “regrouping”. Big show
gets on the microphone to say they will leave the
ring willingly if Miz will take him on in a one on
one match. Punk, Sheamus and Ezekiel all tell him
this is totally an excellent idea. Yeah. Take career
advice from Ezekiel Jackson. We are then “treated”
to a video package of Cena and Barrett from last
week that lasts way too
Commercial Thought: Knucklehead might actually be
Back to the show where the tag team
champions are in the ring already, dooming them to
failure more than likely. Lucky for them, they are
taking on the Hart Dynasty which is doomed to even
more failure so this could go either way.
The Hart Dynasty vs. WWE Tag Team Champions Cody
Rhodes & Drew Macintyre (Non-title match)
Cody starts off with Tyson and takes control with a
body slam. Drew tags in and starts pummeling Tyson
into the corner before tossing hi into the ring
barricade outside and working him over the ring
apron. Cody tags in and goes for a cover right away,
picking up a two count. Drew tags back in but Tyson
escapes him to tag in Smith. Smith runs over Drew
with clotheslines and kicks Cody in the face to send
hi to the floor. Smith decks Drew with a big boot
and leg drop for two.
Smith delivers the
classic running power slam, but it only gets two
when Cody runs in. Tyson kicks Cody in the back when
he goes for a move off the rope, sending him to the
floor. David sets up for the Hart Attack, and
instead drops Drew into a Sharpshooter. Tyson starts
yelling at him, so David lets go like a retard. Drew
of course gives him the Future Shock for the win.
Winners: Drew & Cody
Tyson leaves David
behind and grins like an idiot while Natalya tells
them to quit being babies. Explain to me why we are
breaking up one of only two (three if you count
Santino/Kozlov) tag teams on this show? Elsewhere,
Orton has a chat with Cena which conclude with Cena
saying he’ll break Orton’s leg off if he tries to
Random Commercial Thought:
Predators is disappointingly not about a group of
girl scouts being menaced by Jerry Lawlers.
They actually run a video telling you what to chant
during R-Truth’s new, crappy song because he’s
completely freaking unintelligible. Speaking of
which, why wasn’t he out earlier for Team Raw? He
was mysteriously missing. Zack Ryder is out to lose
to Goldust who is here with the Million Dollar Belt
and his NXT rookie Diva that he apparently proposed
to. She accepted to get a green card, which is okay,
because she has huge titties.
Goldust vs. Zack Ryder
This match was over before I finished typing the
last paragraph. Goldust just delivers the Final Cut
out of the corner to Ryder right away for the win.
What’s her name snatches the
belt as Dibiase and Maryse hit the ring to try and
retrieve it. Maryse chases her away, but it
distracts Dibiase long enough for Goldust to hit the
Final Cut on him as well, because apparently Dibiase
completely forget he was just punching a dude.
Random Commercial Thought: I’m thinking of starting
the Church of Christopher Walken.
Cena is in
the back as we return getting his orders from Wade.
Wade orders him to bea the shit out of the two NXT
guys to make sure if they are worthy. Cena has to
incredulously ask if he can actually rape them
unquestioned. Oh, then he has to get some water. Miz
shows up in the back office where that loud-mouthed
little black kid from Big Show’s movie is playing
the new SvR game and beating on Miz. He talks some
shit. I don’t blame Miz for threatening bodily harm
to the child because I would beat the shit out of
him. If you’d like me to baby sit, you know where to
call. I whip your children into shape. With real
whips. We then cut to Cena giving Wade his glass of
water and getting it thrown in his face. Wade tries
his best M. Bison impersonation to say this is
delicious. Just not the same.
Commercial Thought: The idiot who ran Lisa
Johnston’s campaign ad compressed a wide screen
video into full screen. She looks like a cone head.
Replay of Miz and Cena again, but this time it isn’t
in slow motion and yellow. Cena and Orton are out
immediately following since apparently Miz/Big Show
is the main event now even though this was billed as
being it until now. Consistency! Harris and Mike
have a terrible theme song that makes the Nexus
theme look good. The rest of Nexus (all four of
them) comes ot the ring entrance to glare and watch.
Husky Harris & Mike Mcstupidname
vs. John Cena & WWE Champion Randy Orton
Cena starts off with Mike and absolutely destroys
him. He delivers a fisherman suplex that Mike sells
like he was shot in the spinal cord with the BFG.
Cena taunts them and Nexus as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Petridge Farm remembers.
Back to the show where Mike has recovered from his
shattered spinal chord and is stomping on Cena.
Harris tags in and charges Cena in the corner,
slamming his fat ass into him for massive damage.
Mike tags back in and picks up a quick two count.
They trade quick tags and Harris decides to slow
things down with a chin lock. Cena tries to power
out, but Harris stops him with a scoop slam. He
bombs a splash and Cena makes the tag to Orton.
Orton runs down Mike who is also in, hitting the
power slam and the suspended DDT. Orton points at
Wade before going Viper. Harris tries a cheap shot
but Orton ducks, allowing an FU from Cena. Orton
then RKOs Mike for the three.
Winners: Cena &
Cena celebrates, but Wade orders him
not to shake Orton’s hand. Nexus “surrounds” the
ring which just looks pathetic now. Orton goes after
Wade and forcing him to the floor but the other
three tackle him and beat Orton down against the
barricades. Back into the ring, Orton tries to fight
them off again, but is eventually beat down while
Cena watches with a look on his face like he’s the
dude from fucking Shawshank Redemption. Post
butt-rape. Oh, Slater has a finisher? I had no idea.
Otunga’s looks like a weaker spine buster. After
they give Orton a 450, Wade demands Cena come into
the ring and give him an FU. Wade then decides he’s
like to show off his own fireman’s carry instead and
does it himself. It’s the most lackadaisical,
weak-looking version of his move yet. Cena storms
off in a huff. Now he’ll never find a date for the
Random Commercial Thought: Take your
girlfriend to a gay bar. You won’t regret it.
We return to a replay of what we just saw of course.
To make me hate my life, Vickie Guerrero appears in
an outfit that makes her look like a rejected cast
member of Jersey Shore. She introduces her latest
boy toy, Dolph Ziggler. He talks about how awesome
he is when Daniel Bryan appears, soaring
majestically over the treetops…sorry that’s just
what happens in my mind when I hear his entrance
music. He says he could make Dolph tap out if he
wants. Daniel challenges for a Champions vs.
Champion match. Dolph accepts and decides to throw
down right now. Dolph delivers a bitch slap then
hides behind Vickie. This works as well as expected
and Daniel runs around her, locking on the LaBell
lock on the floor. Dolph taps like a gir and the
Eve looks like a Las Vegas
hooker in that outfit. The pour a bucket of glitter
on her. Oh no. Actually, I can’t believe how fucking
worthless you have to be when you BOTCH THROWING
GLITTER. They managed to miss the first time then
had to do it again. Daniel ends up dancing with the
divas. This is the most embarrassing moment of his
career I assume.
Random Commercial Thought:
Stop shooting my reading material.
you blinked a couple of weeks again Alicia Fox and
Natalya are having a rematch..
Natalya vs. Alicia Fox
Alicia kicks her around early on before a back body
drop is read and she is thrown to the corner.
Natalya delivers a hard suplex and grabs the leg.
Alicia scrambles to the ropes and is just dragged
back into the sharpshooter again.
Oops, blinked again. LayCool are here to be
incredibly annoying again. Michelle distracts before
Layla gets the jump on Natalya who overpowers her.
Michelle drops her from behind and puts Natalya in
the sharpshooter. Layla takes pictures with her
iPhone, but Natalya counters to an ankle lock. Layla
breaks it and Natalya tries for a sharpshooter on
her, so Michelle pulls her away and they make a run
for it. As annoying as the LayCool character is, I’m
really enjoying Natalya. A submission based female
wrestler is just so rare.
We get a replay of
Punk destroying Bourne who is apparently out for
surgery now. I guess he’ll just have to get
destroyed by the hospital staff in the meantime.
Elsewhere, Josh Matthews interviews Teddy Long about
being so brazen. Long points out this is a stupid
fucking question and introduces Hornswoggle with a
Smackdown flag, leading into the entire Smackdown
roster coming out down the hallway.
Commercial Thought: Does Make a Wish grant blowjobs?
Cole returns to push the Stand Up for WWE video I
spoke of earlier. Was that Jeff Hardy? After this
very long video package, Wade approaches Cena in the
back to say something in such poor audio quality I
couldn’t make it. I can only assume that as he put
his arm around Cena, he ordered him to accept the
Random Commercial Thought: I
wish I could say fast women is always a good thing.
Murder is though.
Back to the show that is
being brought to us by that loud-mouthed little kid.
Why is his voice so deep? Is he Gary Coleman 2? He
introduces Big Show and the Smackdown roster for us.
Miz just gets the regular announcer treatment and
Alex Riley. Miz tells Riley to stay behind actually,
only to pause and signal the entire Raw roster.
Big Show w/ Smackdown vs. The Miz w/ Raw
Big Show performs a reverse Hogan and rips off Miz’s
shirt before beating him around the ring. Miz hit’s
a double kick to the jaw out of a corner charge by
Show. Show tosses him to the floor and a brawl
breaks out between Show and the Raw superstars when
Teddy Long arrives. Long says we might as well have
a Battle Royal with everyone instead. Kind of weird
to have a battle royal two weeks after just having
one as your main event, but with even more guys.
Random Commercial Thought: It’s not any better when
a girl sings it.
Why does the Bragging Rights
logo have the Nexus logo lodged in it?
Smackdown vs. Raw Battle Royal (Totally Not to Sell
a Game Match)
How the fuck do I recap this?
Guys are just flying out of the ring. It looks like
a goddamn American flag orgy. Apparently Cole and
Hornswoggle are fighting. Horny gets the headset.
Somebody lost their shirt in the ring and Cole calls
for security as Hornswoggle throws him around. I’m
recapping the announcers instead of the match. I
think MVP just got eliminated. So did Chris Masters.
Big Show dumps Henry and Chavo is soon chucked as
well along with Regal. Mysterio body scissors
Santino over the ropes, but he lands on the apron.
Luke Gallows takes the dive while Del Rio tries to
suplex Morrison out. Morrison lands on the apron and
they fight over the turnbuckle. Del Rio’s tights are
invisible from a distance. Morrison manages to
eliminate himself again, but he takes Del Rio with
him. Swagger is out and he gets mad at Edge for it,
so he drags Edge out by the ankle puts the Ankle
lock on. Oh great…Edge was pulled out through the
bottom rope. I do
ever so wonder what he’s going
Miz is tangling with Show when
Sheamus makes the save. Kofi is eliminated and
Jackson chucks Mysterio. Ezekiel then dumps Rhodes
and Drew by himself when they try to double team
him. Ezekiel, Sheamus and Bryan go after Show who is
still by himself. Show tosses Daniel out with one
hand, but Sheamus and Jackson beat him down. They
double suplex Show and Sheamus throws Ezekiel into
him in the corner, followed by Ezekiel throwing
Sheamus…into an elbow. Show clotheslines Ezekiel
over the top. Miz tackles from behind, and Sheamus
assists, but Show manages to land on the apron. Edge
comes back into the ring to the surprise of no one
with a spear on Sheamus. He clotheslines Sheamus to
the floor and Show choke slams Miz over the ropes
for the win.
in the back for a practice session of Wade’s
championship celebration. Cena has to raise his
hand. This is an AFRONT OF JUSTICE! So Cena angrily
stalls then raises his hand. Then he storms off
while Wade gets the biggest, douchey, shit-eating
grin on his face. That’s it? What was the point of
Highlight of the Night:
There was nothing very special here at all. Nothing
spectacularly bad, but nothing that stood out.
Lowlight of the Night: Alicia Fox/Natalya was
boring, especially since it was a rerun of their
previous match almost exactly.
WWE “Creative” Award: I’m not sure who has a
hard-on for Vickie Guerrero antics in the writing
department, but they need to be fired.