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WWE
RAW RANT:
(10/18/10)
By Cameron Burge

I went to check what the hype for tonight’s show was on WWE’s website, only to find that every ad but one was politically based in making WWE look good in light of the attacks on Linda McMahon by her political opponent whose name I can only assume is Bob McGiveafuck, because I don’t. Vince gives a heartfelt video message about the baseless accusations of WWE being a hole of sin and debauchery. Clearly it is in fact a saint hood and has never promoted vehicular homicide, public nudity, pornography, rape, or necrophilia.

Raw 10.18.10

The show opens with theme, pyro…and Teddy Long. He says he’s here because he can and is taking over Raw tonight. Michael Cole takes great joy in responding to an immediate e-mail. The GM has this to say: “Get out of my ring. Get out of my ring now.” The GM goes on to say he has no business here. Teddy says Bragging Rights is this Sunday and has a ref bring out the trophy that will be given away. It looks like a piece of shit. He says the trophy is Smackdown’s because they laid the smack down on Raw last year. The GM reiterates he better get out of the ring or else. Cole and Long get up in each others’ faces. Long then answers a series of angry e-mail sounds by closing the computer. Oh is that all it took? You don’t need to break it? Long then introduces us to Smackdown’s team. Who the fuck is Tyler Reks? Wasn’t he a surfer before?

Miz comes out to call each member of Smackdown a Smurf (Smurfdown?). Miz introduces his team for us, which isn’t much of a surprise for us since we saw them all qualify last week. He surprisingly sells Santino straight. Why the fuck did we get saddled with Ezekiel Jackson though? Does anyone on Raw remember this fuck? When I saw him on Superstars, his gimmick was a muscle builder face like some sort of blackface Lex Luger. Miz tells them to get out of the ring or they will make them get out. The brawl ensues of course. Miz and the rest of Raw retreat to the floor after a while or as cole puts it: “regrouping”. Big show gets on the microphone to say they will leave the ring willingly if Miz will take him on in a one on one match. Punk, Sheamus and Ezekiel all tell him this is totally an excellent idea. Yeah. Take career advice from Ezekiel Jackson. We are then “treated” to a video package of Cena and Barrett from last week that lasts way too
 long.

Random Commercial Thought: Knucklehead might actually be okay.

Back to the show where the tag team champions are in the ring already, dooming them to failure more than likely. Lucky for them, they are taking on the Hart Dynasty which is doomed to even more failure so this could go either way.

The Hart Dynasty vs. WWE Tag Team Champions Cody Rhodes & Drew Macintyre (Non-title match)

Cody starts off with Tyson and takes control with a body slam. Drew tags in and starts pummeling Tyson into the corner before tossing hi into the ring barricade outside and working him over the ring apron. Cody tags in and goes for a cover right away, picking up a two count. Drew tags back in but Tyson escapes him to tag in Smith. Smith runs over Drew with clotheslines and kicks Cody in the face to send hi to the floor. Smith decks Drew with a big boot and leg drop for two.

Smith delivers the classic running power slam, but it only gets two when Cody runs in. Tyson kicks Cody in the back when he goes for a move off the rope, sending him to the floor. David sets up for the Hart Attack, and instead drops Drew into a Sharpshooter. Tyson starts yelling at him, so David lets go like a retard. Drew of course gives him the Future Shock for the win.
Winners: Drew & Cody

Tyson leaves David behind and grins like an idiot while Natalya tells them to quit being babies. Explain to me why we are breaking up one of only two (three if you count Santino/Kozlov) tag teams on this show? Elsewhere, Orton has a chat with Cena which conclude with Cena saying he’ll break Orton’s leg off if he tries to kick him.

Random Commercial Thought: Predators is disappointingly not about a group of girl scouts being menaced by Jerry Lawlers.

They actually run a video telling you what to chant during R-Truth’s new, crappy song because he’s completely freaking unintelligible. Speaking of which, why wasn’t he out earlier for Team Raw? He was mysteriously missing. Zack Ryder is out to lose to Goldust who is here with the Million Dollar Belt and his NXT rookie Diva that he apparently proposed to. She accepted to get a green card, which is okay, because she has huge titties.

Goldust vs. Zack Ryder

This match was over before I finished typing the last paragraph. Goldust just delivers the Final Cut out of the corner to Ryder right away for the win.
Winner: Goldust

What’s her name snatches the belt as Dibiase and Maryse hit the ring to try and retrieve it. Maryse chases her away, but it distracts Dibiase long enough for Goldust to hit the Final Cut on him as well, because apparently Dibiase completely forget he was just punching a dude.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m thinking of starting the Church of Christopher Walken.

Cena is in the back as we return getting his orders from Wade. Wade orders him to bea the shit out of the two NXT guys to make sure if they are worthy. Cena has to incredulously ask if he can actually rape them unquestioned. Oh, then he has to get some water. Miz shows up in the back office where that loud-mouthed little black kid from Big Show’s movie is playing the new SvR game and beating on Miz. He talks some shit. I don’t blame Miz for threatening bodily harm to the child because I would beat the shit out of him. If you’d like me to baby sit, you know where to call. I whip your children into shape. With real whips. We then cut to Cena giving Wade his glass of water and getting it thrown in his face. Wade tries his best M. Bison impersonation to say this is delicious. Just not the same.

Random Commercial Thought: The idiot who ran Lisa Johnston’s campaign ad compressed a wide screen video into full screen. She looks like a cone head.

Replay of Miz and Cena again, but this time it isn’t in slow motion and yellow. Cena and Orton are out immediately following since apparently Miz/Big Show is the main event now even though this was billed as being it until now. Consistency! Harris and Mike have a terrible theme song that makes the Nexus theme look good. The rest of Nexus (all four of them) comes ot the ring entrance to glare and watch.

Husky Harris & Mike Mcstupidname vs. John Cena & WWE Champion Randy Orton

Cena starts off with Mike and absolutely destroys him. He delivers a fisherman suplex that Mike sells like he was shot in the spinal cord with the BFG. Cena taunts them and Nexus as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Petridge Farm remembers.

Back to the show where Mike has recovered from his shattered spinal chord and is stomping on Cena. Harris tags in and charges Cena in the corner, slamming his fat ass into him for massive damage. Mike tags back in and picks up a quick two count. They trade quick tags and Harris decides to slow things down with a chin lock. Cena tries to power out, but Harris stops him with a scoop slam. He bombs a splash and Cena makes the tag to Orton. Orton runs down Mike who is also in, hitting the power slam and the suspended DDT. Orton points at Wade before going Viper. Harris tries a cheap shot but Orton ducks, allowing an FU from Cena. Orton then RKOs Mike for the three.
Winners: Cena & Orton

Cena celebrates, but Wade orders him not to shake Orton’s hand. Nexus “surrounds” the ring which just looks pathetic now. Orton goes after Wade and forcing him to the floor but the other three tackle him and beat Orton down against the barricades. Back into the ring, Orton tries to fight them off again, but is eventually beat down while Cena watches with a look on his face like he’s the dude from fucking Shawshank Redemption. Post butt-rape. Oh, Slater has a finisher? I had no idea. Otunga’s looks like a weaker spine buster. After they give Orton a 450, Wade demands Cena come into the ring and give him an FU. Wade then decides he’s like to show off his own fireman’s carry instead and does it himself. It’s the most lackadaisical, weak-looking version of his move yet. Cena storms off in a huff. Now he’ll never find a date for the prom.

Random Commercial Thought: Take your girlfriend to a gay bar. You won’t regret it.

We return to a replay of what we just saw of course. To make me hate my life, Vickie Guerrero appears in an outfit that makes her look like a rejected cast member of Jersey Shore. She introduces her latest boy toy, Dolph Ziggler. He talks about how awesome he is when Daniel Bryan appears, soaring majestically over the treetops…sorry that’s just what happens in my mind when I hear his entrance music. He says he could make Dolph tap out if he wants. Daniel challenges for a Champions vs. Champion match. Dolph accepts and decides to throw down right now. Dolph delivers a bitch slap then hides behind Vickie. This works as well as expected and Daniel runs around her, locking on the LaBell lock on the floor. Dolph taps like a gir and the Divas appear.

Eve looks like a Las Vegas hooker in that outfit. The pour a bucket of glitter on her. Oh no. Actually, I can’t believe how fucking worthless you have to be when you BOTCH THROWING GLITTER. They managed to miss the first time then had to do it again. Daniel ends up dancing with the divas. This is the most embarrassing moment of his career I assume.

Random Commercial Thought: Stop shooting my reading material.

In case you blinked a couple of weeks again Alicia Fox and Natalya are having a rematch..

Natalya vs. Alicia Fox

Alicia kicks her around early on before a back body drop is read and she is thrown to the corner. Natalya delivers a hard suplex and grabs the leg. Alicia scrambles to the ropes and is just dragged back into the sharpshooter again.
Winner: Natalya

Oops, blinked again. LayCool are here to be incredibly annoying again. Michelle distracts before Layla gets the jump on Natalya who overpowers her. Michelle drops her from behind and puts Natalya in the sharpshooter. Layla takes pictures with her iPhone, but Natalya counters to an ankle lock. Layla breaks it and Natalya tries for a sharpshooter on her, so Michelle pulls her away and they make a run for it. As annoying as the LayCool character is, I’m really enjoying Natalya. A submission based female wrestler is just so rare.

We get a replay of Punk destroying Bourne who is apparently out for surgery now. I guess he’ll just have to get destroyed by the hospital staff in the meantime. Elsewhere, Josh Matthews interviews Teddy Long about being so brazen. Long points out this is a stupid fucking question and introduces Hornswoggle with a Smackdown flag, leading into the entire Smackdown roster coming out down the hallway.

Random Commercial Thought: Does Make a Wish grant blowjobs?

Cole returns to push the Stand Up for WWE video I spoke of earlier. Was that Jeff Hardy? After this very long video package, Wade approaches Cena in the back to say something in such poor audio quality I couldn’t make it. I can only assume that as he put his arm around Cena, he ordered him to accept the reach around.

Random Commercial Thought: I wish I could say fast women is always a good thing. Murder is though.

Back to the show that is being brought to us by that loud-mouthed little kid. Why is his voice so deep? Is he Gary Coleman 2? He introduces Big Show and the Smackdown roster for us. Miz just gets the regular announcer treatment and Alex Riley. Miz tells Riley to stay behind actually, only to pause and signal the entire Raw roster.

Big Show w/  Smackdown vs. The Miz w/ Raw

Big Show performs a reverse Hogan and rips off Miz’s shirt before beating him around the ring. Miz hit’s a double kick to the jaw out of a corner charge by Show. Show tosses him to the floor and a brawl breaks out between Show and the Raw superstars when Teddy Long arrives. Long says we might as well have a Battle Royal with everyone instead. Kind of weird to have a battle royal two weeks after just having one as your main event, but with even more guys.

Random Commercial Thought: It’s not any better when a girl sings it.

Why does the Bragging Rights logo have the Nexus logo lodged in it?

Smackdown vs. Raw Battle Royal (Totally Not to Sell a Game Match)

How the fuck do I recap this? Guys are just flying out of the ring. It looks like a goddamn American flag orgy. Apparently Cole and Hornswoggle are fighting. Horny gets the headset. Somebody lost their shirt in the ring and Cole calls for security as Hornswoggle throws him around. I’m recapping the announcers instead of the match. I think MVP just got eliminated. So did Chris Masters. Big Show dumps Henry and Chavo is soon chucked as well along with Regal. Mysterio body scissors Santino over the ropes, but he lands on the apron. Luke Gallows takes the dive while Del Rio tries to suplex Morrison out. Morrison lands on the apron and they fight over the turnbuckle. Del Rio’s tights are invisible from a distance. Morrison manages to eliminate himself again, but he takes Del Rio with him. Swagger is out and he gets mad at Edge for it, so he drags Edge out by the ankle puts the Ankle lock on. Oh great…Edge was pulled out through the bottom rope. I do
 ever so wonder what he’s going to do…..

Miz is tangling with Show when Sheamus makes the save. Kofi is eliminated and Jackson chucks Mysterio. Ezekiel then dumps Rhodes and Drew by himself when they try to double team him. Ezekiel, Sheamus and Bryan go after Show who is still by himself. Show tosses Daniel out with one hand, but Sheamus and Jackson beat him down. They double suplex Show and Sheamus throws Ezekiel into him in the corner, followed by Ezekiel throwing Sheamus…into an elbow. Show clotheslines Ezekiel over the top. Miz tackles from behind, and Sheamus assists, but Show manages to land on the apron. Edge comes back into the ring to the surprise of no one with a spear on Sheamus. He clotheslines Sheamus to the floor and Show choke slams Miz over the ropes for the win.
Winners: Smackdown

Nexus are in the back for a practice session of Wade’s championship celebration. Cena has to raise his hand. This is an AFRONT OF JUSTICE! So Cena angrily stalls then raises his hand. Then he storms off while Wade gets the biggest, douchey, shit-eating grin on his face. That’s it? What was the point of that?

Highlight of the Night: There was nothing very special here at all. Nothing spectacularly bad, but nothing that stood out.

Lowlight of the Night: Alicia Fox/Natalya was boring, especially since it was a rerun of their previous match almost exactly.

WWE “Creative” Award: I’m not sure who has a hard-on for Vickie Guerrero antics in the writing department, but they need to be fired.
 

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).