WWE RAW RANT

by Cameron Burge

October 17, 2011

Tonight, Raw brings you a pre-taped show from Mexico, filmed entirely in English. Audience apathy? You bet!

Raw 10.17.11

The show opens with Johnny Ace. Well, goodnight everybody!

They open the show with a replay of what happened with Triple H and company last week. He has not much interesting to say, but goes on to tease Rey may or may not be coming back tonight. He tries to tell jokes, but the Mexican people seem to be unamused…since they probably aren’t quite sure what the hell he is saying. He then brings back JR since apparently fans left in droves last week. The Spanish announce table is back tonight. Cole is pouting. He gets to the ring for a public apology. We get a replay of Cole having everyone chant for the loss of JR. I love how the Raw logo has the Mexican flag tonight. John accuses JR of being jealous of Michael Cole and then proposes one of the worst matches of all time to us with Cole and JR in a match with ADR and Cena.

We go from Cole and Lawler flexing straight into a six man tag match featuring Randy Orton.

Random Commercial Thought: Cena should make a movie where he just goes to a normal job and works, then goes home and goes to bed, the end. Would be a nice change of pace.

We return to a replay of Orton getting a beat down last week before coming back to the match. I would like a receipt with my bag.

Randy Orton & John Morrison & Sheamus vs. Cody Rhodes & Mark Henry & Christian

Orton and Sheamus both want to start out, but none of the heels do. Eventually Sheamus bows out, but Christian steps in despite Orton calling for Rhodes. The crowd is hot for Orton here it seems as Christian catches the better of him. Orton leap frogs Sheamus like he’s celebrating an RKO and then proceeds to pound him into the corner for mounted punches. Sheamus tags in and Christian flees in terror to tag out to Rhodes. Rhodes ties up after a bit and it’s almost funny how much darker he’s become from what he used to be. There was a time when these two men could have had a competition for who could cast reflections on their chest better. Rhodes gets stomped down in the corner and tries to fight back, but Sheamus overpowers him. Rhodes counters a back body drop and drops Orton from the apron. Sheamus power slams him in return and tags out to Henry. Outside the ring, Orton decks Rhodes and chases him all the way up the ring ramp beating the shit out of him while Rhodes flees. Morrison’s odds of surviving this match just significantly decreased.

Random Commercial Thought: I can’t believe they made this stupid commercial about pizza.

Morrison is in the ring with Christian and making a come back with a side dropkick that picks up two. Christian comes back with an attempted killswitch, but Morrison counters into a botched backflip slam. He tries to mix it up with Henry on the apron and Christian drops him from behind. Henry tags in and stomps away at Morrison beating his ass into the heel corner. Henry stands on Morrison in “heel fat guy move number 7.” Christian tags back in and works a headlock. Morrison fights back with right, but Christian drags him from a tag by the hair. Morrison backflips into a kick, but Henry tags in and blocks his tag because Morrison forgot how to crawls.

Henry works a bear hug. I’ve always wondered if anyone has tried to hug a bear with it. Morrison counters Henry in the corner with a kick to the head and then tries for what appears to be setting up a tornado DDT. Henry puts him on the apron, but Morrison hangs him on the top rope. Morrison is about to get a tag, but Christian drags Sheamus off the apron and they brawl to the back. Morrison is dead. He delivers the flash kick to Henry, but it only stagger and when he goes for a flying forearm, Henry catches him and counters into the World’s Strongest Slam for the three.

Winners: Heels…or just Henry now I guess

Random Commercial Thought: Batman animated movies are almost always worth the time.

Brodus Clay trailer. I thought it was a Godzilla movie at first. The Bellas try to double team Johnny Ace and whore it up on him. Yeah, those rumors about his Diva hiring practices are definitely not true. They didn’t look like they have practice at all. He gets on the phone to his wife afterward before being interrupted by Alberto and Ricardo. Oh boy, Eve and Kelly are here. What else is on? Two hours of a picture of an ass? Probably better.

Eve Torres w/ Kelly Kelly vs. Natalya w/ Beth Phoenix

Eve beats Natalya back with forearms and a step kick, but Natalya clotheslines her flat for two. Natalya works an abdominal stretch better than John Cena. She stomps on Eve after the hold and delivers a series of butt slaps, because they are “anti-cute”….wut? Kelly is “disgusted” by this according to the announcers even though a butt slap is one of her fucking signature moves. Natalya struts her body before crushing Even in the corner. Eve counters a running power slam into a reverse DDT and delivers her top rope moonsault for the three.

Winner: Beth

Beth tries to get in on Eve, but she and Kelly escape before she gets a hold of her.

Random Commercial Thought: Go to the dark side. You can shoot fucking lightning.

A song from Real Steel is the theme to Vengeance…why? CM Punk hits the stage for a match with Miz. Truth is still kind enough to come out and sing his theme song for him. Miz talks some shit to Punk and goads him on, saying he may be grinning now, Miz and Truth beat his ass just a couple of weeks ago and now he’s sweating on the inside. Which usually leaves stains. Truth tries to threaten Punk as well when Triple is summoned by the voices of up start midcarders trying to make a name for themselves. This cannot stand.

Random Commercial Thought: Why don’t they just have an asian guy promote Popeye’s food to avoid the obvious jokes?

CM Punk vs. The Miz w/ R-Truth

Punk is squaring off and wrestling Miz down with a sloppy STF hold that Miz immediately breaks by getting to the ropes. Punk works a headlock on Miz and continues to outwrestle him around the ring before Miz finally comes back with a headlock takedown. Miz delivers a super angry faced shoulder block, but Miz leaps up and drops him flat. Miz takes a trip to the floor where he eats a suicide dive. Punk drags him back in for a slingshot senton. Miz manages to regain ground by causing Punk to hurt his own knee. Truth stalks Punk outside the ring where he’s chased off by Triple H. Punk recovers enough to hit a flying clothesline from the top rope. Punk manages to get a two count and moves to some chops and elbow shots in the corner.

Miz powers back with a big knee o the midsection and angrily drops Punk with a series of kicks and stomps. Miz is seriously wearing a Hogan No Holds Barred “I smell poo” face right now. Punk tries to come back, but a distraction by Truth to draw in Triple H distracts the ref for some double teaming. Miz decides to capitalize on this advantage with the dreaded headlock. Miz lands his hanging clothesline in the corner before climbing up top. He waits for Punk to get up and botches a flying double axe handle. Miz starts hammering Punk with forearms to the side of the head and follows up with a chin lock. I’m noticing a pattern for Miz here of “move-rest hold.”

Punk escapes with a back suplex, but Miz cuts off the Pepsi One with a boot to the jaw. Miz climbs up top again and, like anyone would guess, leap right off into a wheel kick to the midsection by Punk. Miz dumps Punk to the floor to get some rest and distracts the ref for Truth to destroy Punk with the bottle of water made of steel. Trips chases Truth up the ramp when Johnny Ace appears to stop the match and tell Triple H he has to take walk with some stupid contract papers that probably just say “All work and no play, make Vince a dull boy” on them over and over.

Random Commercial Thought: I was cooking pasta.

Back to the show where it turns out Trips’ immigration papers were fucked up and he was deported. Well…that’s one way to have someone get escorted out I guess. Punk is meanwhile escaping a headlock by Miz and finally landing the Pepsi One, but no bulldog. Miz rushes out of the corner into a clothesline instead. Punk goes up top for the elbow. The landing looked a little botched. Punk signals the GTS and has to knock Truth off the apron. Miz escapes the GTS and tries to counter into his own finisher, but Punk shoves him out into Truth and wins it with a school boy.

Winner: Punk

Truth and Miz beat the shit out of him afterward. A ref army arrives to stop them and they peacefully back off and start to walk away. Truth tears away and rushes back to deliver the flatliner, but Miz and the refs call him off…Miz then proceeds to give Punk a skull-crushing finale afterward. Referees seems to treat wrestlers like they are pre-rendered and can’t actually physically touch them at all in situations like this.

Random Commercial Thought: I’ve never understood why SMALLER candy is such a big deal. Who the hell wants their candy to be even smaller? Make it the size of my head.

Back to the show where we learn what won the vote for the Wrestlemania show (Wrestlemania Rewind) and about the new WWE reality show for the Real World featuring WWE Legends (Ultimate Warrior is required). Vickie and crew come to the ring with Vickie in a fanciful dress and talks herself up. She decides to cut this promo in English because….just because. Maybe there isn’t a Spanish word for “acumen.” She announces Zig-Swag has a match for the tag titles at the PPV. Swagger gets massive boos for singing the American National Anthem by a crowd mostly wearing red, white and blue Cena shirts. This is interrupted by Ryder.

Jack Swagger w/ Vickie & Ziggler vs. Zack Ryder

Ryder gets beat down following a running scoop slam. Ryder comes back with a kick and the Rough Ryder right out of the corner for the three.

Winner: Ryder

Ziggler tries to break up the pin, but Ryder escapes with the sudden win. The promo lasted about five times as long as the match. Ryder is about to get ganged up on when Mason Ryan constipated arrives to the rescue to chase them off. Apparently Mason was supposed to take on Ziggler who is turning tail. Ryan’s accent amuses me to no end as he calls out Ziggler.

Random Commercial Thought: Throw things at your boss. It’s the only way.

Back to the show.

US Champion Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie & Swagger vs. Mason Ryan w/ Zack Ryder (Non-Title Match)

Ziggler is running away from Ryan and when he finally goes in and tries to mix it up, Ryan just slaughters him with a clothesline and sends him to the floor. Ryan chucks Ziggler right into the corner and over the top ropes. Ziggler finally gets some offenses in and a dropkick, but Ryan is only staggered. He blocks the next punch and delivers a scoop slam. Ziggler is floor by a big boot and once again crawls to the floor before starting to drag himself up the ramp and use Vickie as a shield. She bitchslaps Ryan while the ref is distracted by Ziggler and Ryan goes wild eyes before destroying Ziggler in the ring. Ziggler is squished in the corner with several punches and clotheslines until the ref has to declare it a DQ.

Winner: Ziggler

Ryan hoists Ziggler for his finisher, but he has to stop to boot the shit out of Swagger before returning to business. Ryan stalks off right by the cheering Ryder who has to run to catch up to him. JR is in his…wrestling Jersey when he’s approached by Cena. He says the last thing he needs right now is a match and he doesn’t want to screw things up for Cena. Cena points out that Alberto has never beaten him which is kind of depressing. Ross points out he wants to murder Cole though since he’s a sniveling, arrogant, son of a bitch. Cole responds by asking for out attention and declaring he will now head to the back and get ready to beat JR down or something. He says he might pin John Cena here tonight which might be possible if ADR had a finisher that wasn’t a submission. Also he declares that his wife is Mexican.

Random Commercial Thought: You cannot escape terrible rock music. It will follow you to your grave.

Back to the show for a rundown of the Vengeance card, which is this Sunday I guess. Didn’t we just have a PPV two weeks ago? Jesus. Apparently the stipulation for the ADR/Cena match will be determined by the winning team of the main event here. Ricardo makes his introduction for ADR, but this leads us right back to commercial since the show seems to have run more than fifteen minutes short this week. I may suggest that to keep that from happening, they might want to actually have more matches.

Random Commercial Thought: Uh…that Musketeer movie looks like fucking balls.

Back to the show where I can only assume Alberto did nothing but hip thrust in the ring during the break. Cole gets a Spanish entrance from Ricardo as well before arriving in his wrestling suit and skipping rope. JR is next out and he waits for the big John Cena entrance which gets a rather deafening response.

Alberto Del Rio & Michael Cole w/ Ricardo Rodriguez vs. John Cena & Jim Ross

John Cena starts us off with Michael Cole who demands he get JR. Cena tags him in and Cole immediately turns to tag out to ADR after taunting for a bit and fat jokes that earn him a huge bitch slap. JR tags out to Cena immediately who stops a charging Alberto in his tracks. Cena picks up a one count off of a hip toss and moves into a headlock. Alberto escapes and delivers a hip toss of his own to a decent pop before working his own headlock. Cena counters this…into a headlock, Jesus Christ. Del Rio escapes with a back suplex for two. Cena gets worked over in the heel corner with Michael Cole actually slapping him on the back. Cena actually sells this and I am not joking.

Cole taunts Cena while Alberto knocks him down on the apron for a bitchslap from Cole. Del Rio comes off the top rope with a flying double axe handle and does his own “can’t see me” taunt. In other news, I was recently asked to explain to my mother what that motion meant when she saw too many Raw commercials. Del Rio puts Cena down with a snap suplex for two. Alberto is getting a big chant here and Cena gets booed for powers out of a rest hold. Del Rio counters the FU into a German suplex pin for two. Alberto continues to keep the pressure on with the tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for another two. Alberto measures Cena in the corner and delivers a running exiguities for a big pop and a two.

Cena finally comes back with his genera offense. The Five Knuckle Shuffle goes uninterrupted, but Del Rio just tags in Cole and makes a run for it. Cena drags Cole into the ring. Cole gets sandwiched between JR and Cena and tries to offer a hand of peace. Cena accepts, only to drag him into an FU and pause short of putting on an STF. Instead, he motions for JR and tags in to allow JR to apply an ankle lock.

Winners: JR & Cena

ADR drags Cena out of the ring for a beat down after the match, but immediately eats and FU instead. Cena grabs a microphone and starts counting to declare the stipulation as a Last Man Standing match. He stops at seven to clothesline Del Rio and run him over with the ring steps. He starts counting again to make sure we get the point at home. Cena cuts a promo as if he’s Orton, practically hissing his damn words before announcing it as a Last Man Standing Match officially.

Highlight of the Night: Punk and Miz had the most tolerable match of the night.

Lowlight of the Night: The Cena/ADR match was horrendous and boring.

WWE “Creative” Award: Why would you ever schedule a main event like that? Especially in another country where characters like JR aren’t going to be as big of a deal?

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.