Welcome back to the Best
Damn Days of Our Lives Rant, Period. Will John Cena
go to the dark side? Will his pride make him lose
his job?! Follow the drama and the action on
tonight’s….oh wait, this is Raw. I couldn’t tell.
The show opens with….John Cena arriving in his big
purple to boos and cheers to his theme. Something
you can usually only tell live is that his entrance
screen and video are done up to match his new merch.
Gotta keep pushing that. They actually have to zoom
in to even determine the N armband amidst the
plethora of other ones he has. Cena thanks everyone
for the support which is a lot less than he had in
my town, since he’s away from the retarded people.
He thanks people for still believing in him. Maybe
he can fly and bring Tinkerbell back to life now. He
says he heard a chant he’s never heard before as a
few guys chant Cena Suck and he says he’s heard that
one before. Kind of funny, but Never Give Up is what
he meant. I don’t really remember that. I think he’s
full of shit. He says he’s going to have to do
things they don’t want to see now to keep his job
while this promo extends into forever. Miz arrives
to liven things up because
it’s his birthday as
Cole informs us in between sucks of his dick.
Miz comes out to say he’s captaining Team Raw and
offering Cena a spot because he’s a better team
maker and doesn’t hold grudges. Cena says Miz as
leader is ridiculous and says he might as well
captain it since he has nothing else to do with this
whole Nexus thing going on. Wade arrives to make
things easy. No button to be seen. Wade says Cena
needs to be in his corner for the match at Bragging
Rights and can’t be on Team Raw. Cena wants to do
both but Wade has other things to say. Riley ruins
Miz’s plan to cash in his briefcase at the PPV by
surprise by revealing it and the GM contacts us to
the biggest heel pop so far. Apparently there are a
series of matches to determine who will be on the
team and the main event will determine the team
captain. Miz will take on Cena for the right. Miz
asks Barrett what he can do about him becoming
champion, which is nothing. Wade solves this problem
like most British people and head butts him in the
Riley and Miz tackle him and kick his ass
for a bit until Wade is able to signal Cena to help
him. Cena finally helps and beats their asses,
giving Riley the FU. Wade then gives him a piece of
his mind as we wasted fifteen whole minutes on this.
Random Commercial Thought: Oh good, this should be
NXT’s last run now that it’s been moved to the
internet where all crap shows go to linger and die.
Back to the show where Dibiase and Maryse are here
in the ring with a replay of last week. Okay I don’t
care how hot Eve is, The dancing and rapping thing
is so not over anymore now that it’s just sad to
watch this entrance. Of course, it might also just
be that this is Washington and the only thing of
importance to happen here was Twilight.
R-Truth w/ Eve Torres vs. Ted Dibiase w/ Maryse
Truth unwinds on Dibiase early and leap over him in
the corner before going to the splits and a heel
kick for two. Winner of this gets to be on Team Raw.
Maybe Dibiase will win his first match in forever.
Dibiase slams Truth for a two count of his own
before Truth comes back on him. A power slam picks
up two for Truth now. Truth hoists Dibiase into a
suplex that ends with an odd sort of sit down slam.
I can’t remember what you call that. It picks up
two. Truth comes off the ropes now right into a
spine buster for two from Dibiase. This is just back
and forth constantly. Dibiase sets up for the
Dreamstreet when Goldust arrives on the entrance
with his rookie Diva, rubbing all over the belt when
Truth uses the deadly roll up finisher for two.
Truth bounces off the ropes into the Lie Detector
for the win.
immediately to commercial following Cole mentioning
the Diva getting possibly deported to Lithuania and
then it gets awkward.
Thought: Where are all the good horror movies?
Back To the show for another match.
Tyson Kidd vs. John Morrison
that Smith was supposed to be in this match too but
is mysteriously missing. Tyson is sent ot the floor
and Morrison goes for suicide dive through the rope
but dives right into a flip kick from Tyson. You can
tell he’s becoming evil because he has black on.
EVIL. Morrison works free of a headlock in the ring
and puts Tyson down with a dropkick. They brawl in
the corner with Morrison just hammering him down.
Side kick picks up a two count for Morrison. Tyson
counters a corner maneuver with a Russian legsweep
from the second rope. Tyson locks on the
sharpshooter but Morrison rolls through it and kicks
Tyson to the floor. Tyson comes back in with that
odd sunset flip of his, but Morrison rolls through.
They keep trading rollups for two until Morrison
does that weird backflip Russian Leg Sweep move he’s
got but they refuse to name. This picks up the win.
I don’t understand that
move. What makes the opponent flip over with him?
Sheer mind power? Elsewhere, Otunga needs a fucking
haircut. He, Gabriel and Slater are talking to
Harris and McStupidname. They want to know what is
going on because Wade won’t tell them. He shows up
and reprimands Otunga again. Wade says he wants one
of them to take on Orton. Otunga says he would, but
Gabriel can do the most damage with his splash. Way
to pass the buck. Also, apparently Tarver is
injured. No one cares (or will notice any difference
in his wrestling).
Thought: Did no one in the marketing team notice the
utter retardation of a slogan saying “Paper Jamz,
rock for real.”?
Back to the show. Santino
will take on Ryder to get into the match. He gets
over huge with the crowd here with big Santino
Santino Morella w/ Vladimir Kozlov
vs. Zack Ryder
Santino tosses Ryder
early but Ryder starts to tear him apart and choke
him out on the ropes. Has no one told Zack he’s
fired yet? Or have they and he just keeps showing up
for work anyway? Ryder covers for a couple of two
counts off of a running kick to the side of the
head…make that three. So he just hammers Santino on
the back of the head. Santino coutners the Rough
Ryder and signals the Cobra before striking for the
Tamina hits the ring and sentons him to death before
their cobras make out and they dance. That line
about the cobras was way more innocent than it looks
here. It wasn’t there penises. I assume Tamina has
Random Commercial Thought: Anybody see
that dark sweatshop opening to the Simpsons?
Back to the show where Nexus arrive
for Gabriel’s match with Orton. There theme song
still blows butt.
WWE Champion Randy Orton
vs. Justin Gabriel w/ Nexus (Non-Title Match)
Gabriel tries some quick kicks early on and Orton
just looks annoyed before clobbering him. Gabriel is
sent to the floor and Orton follows. Otunga attacks
from behind while Slater distracts, but Orton is
invincible and thus ducks it. He clocks Otunga and
the ref jumps between them. I seem to remember this
happening recently and ending in a DQ, but now the
ref just ejects Nexus from ringside as we go to
Random Commercial Thought:
Seriously stop these Burger King commercials.
Please. Please stop.
Orton is absolutely
destroying Gabriel at the moment. He hangs him up on
the bottom rope and covers for a two count. Gabriel
finally comes back with a heel kick to the jaw. He
goes to the rope and Cole calls a 450, but Gabriel
instead passes the turnbuckle and slingshots in with
a senton that picks up two. Gabriel then does what
any sensible man would do, slamming his ass into
Orton’s face. Gabriel grounds Orton and delivers a
front dropkick to a kneeling Orton for another two
count. Gabriel works a headlock as Cole hilariously
calls this trying to put Orton away. I miss Bobby
Heenen suddenly. Gabriel decks Orton again and picks
upon another two count. In case you missed the first
headlock, here’s a replay now of it as Gabriel puts
on another one. Orton fights free and delivers a
back suplex. Gabriel misses his next attack entirely
and eats the backbreaker for two.
starts delivering uppercuts and Gabriel flips over a
back drop attempt. Orton just turns around and
clotheslines him before going into his offense and
putting Gabriel down with the power slam. Gabriel
tries a kick but Orton grabs his leg and delivers a
variation on an exploder suplex. Gabriel kicks Orton
in the head a couple of time for trying to follow up
and climbs up top. Orton of course just rolls right
out of the way, only getting hit by part of it.
Orton stumbles up all holding his arm and hurt…and
then no sells it with an RKO.
What was the point of the arm thing? Was he supposed
to be faking or was it just that badly done? At any
rate it’s time for more commercials but I can only
wonder why this show has about fifty times as much
wrestling as the one I attended. I feel raped.
Random Commercial Thought: Big Show is going to be
in a movie. Let’s not talk about it. I don’t know
what to say it was….something.
Back to the
show for another Raw Team match. Daniel Bryan
arrives to hopefully not get absolutely fucking
annihilated. It’s his home town so maybe they can
try not burying him this week. Oh great, Sheamus
again. Could Cole actually retain ONE FUCKING
CHARACTER please? He actually managed to call Daniel
Bryan a dweeb and a tool in the same breath that he
went to a serious voice and said he has an uphill
battle against Sheamus’ vicious assault.
Champion Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus (Non-title Match)
Daniel explodes out of the corner and pummels
Sheamus in the corner. He drags him down into the
LaBell Lock, but Sheamus escapes to the floor. Cole
is suddenly now pro-Sheamus. Good GOD they need to
make his commentary make sense. He’s mad Sheamus
didn’t auto-qualify. Daniel gets swung into a
backbreaker after hitting some dropkicks. Sheamus
starts just tossing Bryan around. Chants build up
for Bryan as Cole says the WWE Universe is wasting
its breath. Bryan comes back with a wheel kick and
some kicks to a kneeling Sheamus. He just lays in
the kicks and ends with one to the back of the head
for two. Cole hilariously says Daniel Bryan is the
reason Team Raw lost to Nexus at Summer
Slam….um….they won, you fucking retard. Bryan hit’s
a missile dropkick from the top for two and seems to
be going for a half crab when Sheamus kicks him off.
Sheamus runs Bryan over with an axe handle that
flips him through the air.
kneeing into the back of Bryan’s head on the ropes
over and over again and the ref decides to be nice
and just pll him off this time instead of
disqualifying him. Bryan is out again and Sheamus
drags him up for the high cross. Bryan slips through
into a sunset flip for two so Sheamus ends it with
the kick for three.
says Bryan can be the water boy. Since when was
Sheamus one Cole’s dick-suck list? I forgot to
mention last week but Sheamus is somehow
unbelievably even more pale in real life than on
television. He looks like a man made of paper and
milk. In the back, Cena is all pissy as his locker
room reveals he keeps multiple of that stupid purple
shirt back there. Truth comes up for some real talk.
Truth says the Nexus thing is not sitting well with
the locker room and they are worried he’ll take them
out one by one if Wade orders him to. Truth says
there is another way out of this before standing up
in front of Cena and getting his rape face on. For a
second I’m worried it’s going to get weird, but
Truth says Cena could always just quit. And the IWC
Random Commercial Thought: I made
toast! Doo doo dodoo….
Back to the show where
after a Tribute to the Troops, we get Evan Bourne in
a qualifier against Raw’s new superstar, CM Punk.
Punk goes over well.
CM Punk vs. Evan Bourne
around and slides past Punk, delivering quick kicks
to Punk. He leaps to the floor on Punk with a head
scissors, but Punk catches it and just slams Bourne
into the wall. Back in the ring, Punk picks up a two
count. Some pummeling leads to another cover for
two. Punk works a front headlock. Why is he still
wearing the stars on his butt? Punk misses the Pepsi
One knee. You know what? I’m gonna call it the Pepsi
Max now. I love that shit. Punk gets clocked by a
big kick and Bourne goes up top but Punk trips him
up and scoops Bourne off the top rope into the GTS
for the win.
Bourne to the floor and starts slamming him around
to the barricade walls. He then law darts Bourne
into the ring post. I like the part where Bourne
looks up while being charged into the post and goes
“Noo!” which was pretty funny. Punk locks on his
submission hold that I’ve forgotten the name of and
the refs start trying to pry him off until he just
lets it go.
Random Commercial Thought: During
a zombie apocalypse, it’s best to leave your
daughter in the care of strippers, drug addicts and
Back to the show where
Natalya is in the ring. She namedrops Bret and talks
some shit on Laycool saying that she’ll take the
title from them at the PPV. Laycool interrupt things
and oh, apparently Cole is sucking their dicks too.
I mean uh….you know what? No, he’s sucking their
dicks. Also Layla has a ghetto booty. Basically it’s
a promo about them being prettier. It’s a buildup to
a Neidhart beard gag. Natalya says they both proved
to be the most annoying Divas in the WWE last week
and they are stupid. It’s kind of a moment that
makes me hurt inside. I don’t even know how to
explain the joke they do here. They go to beat a
retreat but all of the other divas come marching
down the aisle in the sluttiest dresses they could
find to beat their asses. Michelle gets away but
Layla ends up being annihilated and put in the
sharpshooter, but Michelle pulls her out. They then
diva out through the crowd. Wait I just realized….we
made it through the
whole night without a Diva’s
match! THANK YOU GOD.
Thought: I’m too happy to complain. Bring on the
Back to the show where Cole brings up
Miz yelling at Justin Beiber at the Nickelodeon show
he was on. Good. Now if Sean’s prediction of a punt
to the head will come true the cycle is complete. We
learn that the match is now a No DQ match as Miz
arrives and Cena follows, still doing his normal
entrance. Get the shitty Nexus theme, you asshole!
John Cena vs. The Miz w/ Alex Riley
Things start off well for Cena I assume despite me
not actually paying attention. It probably wasn’t
important since they predictably went back to
commercial anyway. Just assume Cena was wrecking
face and will be losing when we return.
Random Commercial Thought: Who would watch Pink
Panther (the cartoon) in HD?
Back to the
show. Oh surprise, Cena is being wrecked in the
corner. Oh, that didn’t last long. Cena hit’s a bull
dog and picks up two. Miz reverses things in the
corner and tackles him for some mounted punches.
During the break, Riley had clubbed Cena from
behind. Miz tosses Cena to the floor where Riley
stalks over and lays into him. Miz beats Cena onto
the announce table and Miz goes for the
Skullcrushing Finale. Cena just powers out of the
hold and scoops him up for an FU. Miz slips free and
throws Cena off into the ring barricade. Cena
barrels over Riley, so Miz just causes him to hit
the barricades the other time. Remember when No
Disqualification meant the weapons were coming out?
Fuck PG ratings.
Cena kicks out of a cover at
two. Miz misses his bronco ride in the corner and
Cena fires up into his general offense. Cena lands
the Shuffle, but Miz slips free of the FU, decking
Cena with a big kick for two. Miz kicks out of an
STF attempt and delivers the back breaker to neck
breaker combo he has now. I like that move. This
picks up a two count and Riley delivers the
briefcase. Miz winds up and predictably fails,
getting tripped into the STF. Cole begs for Miz to
make the ropes which wouldn’t do anything. Cena
destroys Riley’s knee with a tackle when he tries to
come in and puts the STF on him. Miz stumbles up
into another FU, but Cena fumps him off as
McStupidName and Harris attack. McStupid drops Cena
with his neck breaker followed by Husky’s Ass Drop.
Miz crawls over for the cover.
After the match, Cena no sells and just takes the
shit out of them both. Wade arrives and drags Cena
off who goes to lay into him only to regain his
sanity and have another moment. They ram faces
against one another. I wonder why that is Cena’s
reaction to everything. The GM says that Harris and
Mike should get jobs now in an official match
against John Cena and Randy Orton. Wade then takes
the microphone as Cena looks happy to get to do
something. Wade says this is very very interesting
and wants to put his own spin on the match. If Cena
loses, he’s inducting Harris and Mike into the
Nexus. Wade says he’s sure Cena will do the right
thing and Cena asks what that is. Cena cuts him off
with a hand and Wade tells him to not do that. Wade
says Cena would love to drop him right here and now.
He’d love to stick one in his jaw…do it right
now…Is…is he coming onto him?
Wade says Cena
won’t do anything and it’s not about the GM firing
him, it’s because Cena’s actually scared. Wade calls
him a yellow bellied coward and they face meld
again. Cena rages like an autistic kid and says Cena
is afraid to be embarrassed like he was at Hell in a
Cell. Wade says he could even turn his back and
proceeds to do so. I’m surprised he didn’t also
paint a bullseye on his butt and fart in Cena’s
face. Cena has himself a good cry. Wade orders him
to stop when he finally just goes to leave in order
to do his own You Can’t See Me taunt. Cena leaves in
disgrace as we go off the air.
Highlight of the Night: Punk and Bourne put
on the best match, hands down, but there was plenty
of good wrestling to be had on this show.
Lowlight of the Night: Diva promo was
still annoying and boring. Watch the Knockouts
instead, forget this garbage.
WWE “Creative” Award: John Cena’s deepest
thoughts have already grown tiresome. This really
needs to end with a heel turn or just have Cena move
to Smackdown in some capacity because he’s
dreadfully stale here.