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RAW RANT:
(10/11/10)
By Cameron Burge

Welcome back to the Best Damn Days of Our Lives Rant, Period. Will John Cena go to the dark side? Will his pride make him lose his job?! Follow the drama and the action on tonight’s….oh wait, this is Raw. I couldn’t tell.

Raw 10.11.10

The show opens with….John Cena arriving in his big purple to boos and cheers to his theme. Something you can usually only tell live is that his entrance screen and video are done up to match his new merch. Gotta keep pushing that. They actually have to zoom in to even determine the N armband amidst the plethora of other ones he has. Cena thanks everyone for the support which is a lot less than he had in my town, since he’s away from the retarded people. He thanks people for still believing in him. Maybe he can fly and bring Tinkerbell back to life now. He says he heard a chant he’s never heard before as a few guys chant Cena Suck and he says he’s heard that one before. Kind of funny, but Never Give Up is what he meant. I don’t really remember that. I think he’s full of shit. He says he’s going to have to do things they don’t want to see now to keep his job while this promo extends into forever. Miz arrives to liven things up because
 it’s his birthday as Cole informs us in between sucks of his dick.

Miz comes out to say he’s captaining Team Raw and offering Cena a spot because he’s a better team maker and doesn’t hold grudges. Cena says Miz as leader is ridiculous and says he might as well captain it since he has nothing else to do with this whole Nexus thing going on. Wade arrives to make things easy. No button to be seen. Wade says Cena needs to be in his corner for the match at Bragging Rights and can’t be on Team Raw. Cena wants to do both but Wade has other things to say. Riley ruins Miz’s plan to cash in his briefcase at the PPV by surprise by revealing it and the GM contacts us to the biggest heel pop so far. Apparently there are a series of matches to determine who will be on the team and the main event will determine the team captain. Miz will take on Cena for the right. Miz asks Barrett what he can do about him becoming champion, which is nothing. Wade solves this problem like most British people and head butts him in the face.
 Riley and Miz tackle him and kick his ass for a bit until Wade is able to signal Cena to help him. Cena finally helps and beats their asses, giving Riley the FU. Wade then gives him a piece of his mind as we wasted fifteen whole minutes on this.

Random Commercial Thought: Oh good, this should be NXT’s last run now that it’s been moved to the internet where all crap shows go to linger and die.

Back to the show where Dibiase and Maryse are here in the ring with a replay of last week. Okay I don’t care how hot Eve is, The dancing and rapping thing is so not over anymore now that it’s just sad to watch this entrance. Of course, it might also just be that this is Washington and the only thing of importance to happen here was Twilight.

R-Truth w/ Eve Torres vs. Ted Dibiase w/ Maryse

Truth unwinds on Dibiase early and leap over him in the corner before going to the splits and a heel kick for two. Winner of this gets to be on Team Raw. Maybe Dibiase will win his first match in forever. Dibiase slams Truth for a two count of his own before Truth comes back on him. A power slam picks up two for Truth now. Truth hoists Dibiase into a suplex that ends with an odd sort of sit down slam. I can’t remember what you call that. It picks up two. Truth comes off the ropes now right into a spine buster for two from Dibiase. This is just back and forth constantly. Dibiase sets up for the Dreamstreet when Goldust arrives on the entrance with his rookie Diva, rubbing all over the belt when Truth uses the deadly roll up finisher for two. Truth bounces off the ropes into the Lie Detector for the win.
Winner: Truth

We go immediately to commercial following Cole mentioning the Diva getting possibly deported to Lithuania and then it gets awkward.

Random Commercial Thought: Where are all the good horror movies?

Back To the show for another match.

Tyson Kidd vs. John Morrison

We learn that Smith was supposed to be in this match too but is mysteriously missing. Tyson is sent ot the floor and Morrison goes for suicide dive through the rope but dives right into a flip kick from Tyson. You can tell he’s becoming evil because he has black on. EVIL. Morrison works free of a headlock in the ring and puts Tyson down with a dropkick. They brawl in the corner with Morrison just hammering him down. Side kick picks up a two count for Morrison. Tyson counters a corner maneuver with a Russian legsweep from the second rope. Tyson locks on the sharpshooter but Morrison rolls through it and kicks Tyson to the floor. Tyson comes back in with that odd sunset flip of his, but Morrison rolls through. They keep trading rollups for two until Morrison does that weird backflip Russian Leg Sweep move he’s got but they refuse to name. This picks up the win.
Winner: Morrison

I don’t understand that move. What makes the opponent flip over with him? Sheer mind power? Elsewhere, Otunga needs a fucking haircut. He, Gabriel and Slater are talking to Harris and McStupidname. They want to know what is going on because Wade won’t tell them. He shows up and reprimands Otunga again. Wade says he wants one of them to take on Orton. Otunga says he would, but Gabriel can do the most damage with his splash. Way to pass the buck. Also, apparently Tarver is injured. No one cares (or will notice any difference in his wrestling).

Random Commercial Thought: Did no one in the marketing team notice the utter retardation of a slogan saying “Paper Jamz, rock for real.”?

Back to the show. Santino will take on Ryder to get into the match. He gets over huge with the crowd here with big Santino chants.

Santino Morella w/ Vladimir Kozlov vs. Zack Ryder

Santino tosses Ryder early but Ryder starts to tear him apart and choke him out on the ropes. Has no one told Zack he’s fired yet? Or have they and he just keeps showing up for work anyway? Ryder covers for a couple of two counts off of a running kick to the side of the head…make that three. So he just hammers Santino on the back of the head. Santino coutners the Rough Ryder and signals the Cobra before striking for the three….it…it worked.
Winner: Santino

Wow. Tamina hits the ring and sentons him to death before their cobras make out and they dance. That line about the cobras was way more innocent than it looks here. It wasn’t there penises. I assume Tamina has one.

Random Commercial Thought: Anybody see that dark sweatshop opening to the Simpsons? Awesome.

Back to the show where Nexus arrive for Gabriel’s match with Orton. There theme song still blows butt.

WWE Champion Randy Orton vs. Justin Gabriel w/ Nexus (Non-Title Match)

Gabriel tries some quick kicks early on and Orton just looks annoyed before clobbering him. Gabriel is sent to the floor and Orton follows. Otunga attacks from behind while Slater distracts, but Orton is invincible and thus ducks it. He clocks Otunga and the ref jumps between them. I seem to remember this happening recently and ending in a DQ, but now the ref just ejects Nexus from ringside as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Seriously stop these Burger King commercials. Please. Please stop.

Orton is absolutely destroying Gabriel at the moment. He hangs him up on the bottom rope and covers for a two count. Gabriel finally comes back with a heel kick to the jaw. He goes to the rope and Cole calls a 450, but Gabriel instead passes the turnbuckle and slingshots in with a senton that picks up two. Gabriel then does what any sensible man would do, slamming his ass into Orton’s face. Gabriel grounds Orton and delivers a front dropkick to a kneeling Orton for another two count. Gabriel works a headlock as Cole hilariously calls this trying to put Orton away. I miss Bobby Heenen suddenly. Gabriel decks Orton again and picks upon another two count. In case you missed the first headlock, here’s a replay now of it as Gabriel puts on another one. Orton fights free and delivers a back suplex. Gabriel misses his next attack entirely and eats the backbreaker for two.

Orton starts delivering uppercuts and Gabriel flips over a back drop attempt. Orton just turns around and clotheslines him before going into his offense and putting Gabriel down with the power slam. Gabriel tries a kick but Orton grabs his leg and delivers a variation on an exploder suplex. Gabriel kicks Orton in the head a couple of time for trying to follow up and climbs up top. Orton of course just rolls right out of the way, only getting hit by part of it. Orton stumbles up all holding his arm and hurt…and then no sells it with an RKO.
Winner: Orton

What was the point of the arm thing? Was he supposed to be faking or was it just that badly done? At any rate it’s time for more commercials but I can only wonder why this show has about fifty times as much wrestling as the one I attended. I feel raped.

Random Commercial Thought: Big Show is going to be in a movie. Let’s not talk about it. I don’t know what to say it was….something.

Back to the show for another Raw Team match. Daniel Bryan arrives to hopefully not get absolutely fucking annihilated. It’s his home town so maybe they can try not burying him this week. Oh great, Sheamus again. Could Cole actually retain ONE FUCKING CHARACTER please? He actually managed to call Daniel Bryan a dweeb and a tool in the same breath that he went to a serious voice and said he has an uphill battle against Sheamus’ vicious assault.

US Champion Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus (Non-title Match)

Daniel explodes out of the corner and pummels Sheamus in the corner. He drags him down into the LaBell Lock, but Sheamus escapes to the floor. Cole is suddenly now pro-Sheamus. Good GOD they need to make his commentary make sense. He’s mad Sheamus didn’t auto-qualify. Daniel gets swung into a backbreaker after hitting some dropkicks. Sheamus starts just tossing Bryan around. Chants build up for Bryan as Cole says the WWE Universe is wasting its breath. Bryan comes back with a wheel kick and some kicks to a kneeling Sheamus. He just lays in the kicks and ends with one to the back of the head for two. Cole hilariously says Daniel Bryan is the reason Team Raw lost to Nexus at Summer Slam….um….they won, you fucking retard. Bryan hit’s a missile dropkick from the top for two and seems to be going for a half crab when Sheamus kicks him off. Sheamus runs Bryan over with an axe handle that flips him through the air.

Sheamus starts kneeing into the back of Bryan’s head on the ropes over and over again and the ref decides to be nice and just pll him off this time instead of disqualifying him. Bryan is out again and Sheamus drags him up for the high cross. Bryan slips through into a sunset flip for two so Sheamus ends it with the kick for three.
Winner: Sheamus

Cole says Bryan can be the water boy. Since when was Sheamus one Cole’s dick-suck list? I forgot to mention last week but Sheamus is somehow unbelievably even more pale in real life than on television. He looks like a man made of paper and milk. In the back, Cena is all pissy as his locker room reveals he keeps multiple of that stupid purple shirt back there. Truth comes up for some real talk. Truth says the Nexus thing is not sitting well with the locker room and they are worried he’ll take them out one by one if Wade orders him to. Truth says there is another way out of this before standing up in front of Cena and getting his rape face on. For a second I’m worried it’s going to get weird, but Truth says Cena could always just quit. And the IWC rejoiced.

Random Commercial Thought: I made toast! Doo doo dodoo….

Back to the show where after a Tribute to the Troops, we get Evan Bourne in a qualifier against Raw’s new superstar, CM Punk. Punk goes over well.

CM Punk vs. Evan Bourne

Evan darts around and slides past Punk, delivering quick kicks to Punk. He leaps to the floor on Punk with a head scissors, but Punk catches it and just slams Bourne into the wall. Back in the ring, Punk picks up a two count. Some pummeling leads to another cover for two. Punk works a front headlock. Why is he still wearing the stars on his butt? Punk misses the Pepsi One knee. You know what? I’m gonna call it the Pepsi Max now. I love that shit. Punk gets clocked by a big kick and Bourne goes up top but Punk trips him up and scoops Bourne off the top rope into the GTS for the win.
Winner: Punk

Punk tosses Bourne to the floor and starts slamming him around to the barricade walls. He then law darts Bourne into the ring post. I like the part where Bourne looks up while being charged into the post and goes “Noo!” which was pretty funny. Punk locks on his submission hold that I’ve forgotten the name of and the refs start trying to pry him off until he just lets it go.

Random Commercial Thought: During a zombie apocalypse, it’s best to leave your daughter in the care of strippers, drug addicts and potential rapists.

Back to the show where Natalya is in the ring. She namedrops Bret and talks some shit on Laycool saying that she’ll take the title from them at the PPV. Laycool interrupt things and oh, apparently Cole is sucking their dicks too. I mean uh….you know what? No, he’s sucking their dicks. Also Layla has a ghetto booty. Basically it’s a promo about them being prettier. It’s a buildup to a Neidhart beard gag. Natalya says they both proved to be the most annoying Divas in the WWE last week and they are stupid. It’s kind of a moment that makes me hurt inside. I don’t even know how to explain the joke they do here. They go to beat a retreat but all of the other divas come marching down the aisle in the sluttiest dresses they could find to beat their asses. Michelle gets away but Layla ends up being annihilated and put in the sharpshooter, but Michelle pulls her out. They then diva out through the crowd. Wait I just realized….we made it through the
 whole night without a Diva’s match! THANK YOU GOD.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m too happy to complain. Bring on the crap!

Back to the show where Cole brings up Miz yelling at Justin Beiber at the Nickelodeon show he was on. Good. Now if Sean’s prediction of a punt to the head will come true the cycle is complete. We learn that the match is now a No DQ match as Miz arrives and Cena follows, still doing his normal entrance. Get the shitty Nexus theme, you asshole!

John Cena vs. The Miz w/ Alex Riley

Things start off well for Cena I assume despite me not actually paying attention. It probably wasn’t important since they predictably went back to commercial anyway. Just assume Cena was wrecking face and will be losing when we return.

Random Commercial Thought: Who would watch Pink Panther (the cartoon) in HD?

Back to the show. Oh surprise, Cena is being wrecked in the corner. Oh, that didn’t last long. Cena hit’s a bull dog and picks up two. Miz reverses things in the corner and tackles him for some mounted punches. During the break, Riley had clubbed Cena from behind. Miz tosses Cena to the floor where Riley stalks over and lays into him. Miz beats Cena onto the announce table and Miz goes for the Skullcrushing Finale. Cena just powers out of the hold and scoops him up for an FU. Miz slips free and throws Cena off into the ring barricade. Cena barrels over Riley, so Miz just causes him to hit the barricades the other time. Remember when No Disqualification meant the weapons were coming out? Fuck PG ratings.

Cena kicks out of a cover at two. Miz misses his bronco ride in the corner and Cena fires up into his general offense. Cena lands the Shuffle, but Miz slips free of the FU, decking Cena with a big kick for two. Miz kicks out of an STF attempt and delivers the back breaker to neck breaker combo he has now. I like that move. This picks up a two count and Riley delivers the briefcase. Miz winds up and predictably fails, getting tripped into the STF. Cole begs for Miz to make the ropes which wouldn’t do anything. Cena destroys Riley’s knee with a tackle when he tries to come in and puts the STF on him. Miz stumbles up into another FU, but Cena fumps him off as McStupidName and Harris attack. McStupid drops Cena with his neck breaker followed by Husky’s Ass Drop. Miz crawls over for the cover.
Winner: Miz

After the match, Cena no sells and just takes the shit out of them both. Wade arrives and drags Cena off who goes to lay into him only to regain his sanity and have another moment. They ram faces against one another. I wonder why that is Cena’s reaction to everything. The GM says that Harris and Mike should get jobs now in an official match against John Cena and Randy Orton. Wade then takes the microphone as Cena looks happy to get to do something. Wade says this is very very interesting and wants to put his own spin on the match. If Cena loses, he’s inducting Harris and Mike into the Nexus. Wade says he’s sure Cena will do the right thing and Cena asks what that is. Cena cuts him off with a hand and Wade tells him to not do that. Wade says Cena would love to drop him right here and now. He’d love to stick one in his jaw…do it right now…Is…is he coming onto him?

Wade says Cena won’t do anything and it’s not about the GM firing him, it’s because Cena’s actually scared. Wade calls him a yellow bellied coward and they face meld again. Cena rages like an autistic kid and says Cena is afraid to be embarrassed like he was at Hell in a Cell. Wade says he could even turn his back and proceeds to do so. I’m surprised he didn’t also paint a bullseye on his butt and fart in Cena’s face. Cena has himself a good cry. Wade orders him to stop when he finally just goes to leave in order to do his own You Can’t See Me taunt. Cena leaves in disgrace as we go off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Punk and Bourne put on the best match, hands down, but there was plenty of good wrestling to be had on this show.

Lowlight of the Night: Diva promo was still annoying and boring. Watch the Knockouts instead, forget this garbage.

WWE “Creative” Award: John Cena’s deepest thoughts have already grown tiresome. This really needs to end with a heel turn or just have Cena move to Smackdown in some capacity because he’s dreadfully stale here.
 

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).