WWE RAW RANT

by Cameron Burge

October 10, 2011

Welcome back to a show so good they only need six guys to run it. I didn’t get this rant up last night because I was too busy walking out and sitting in front of my house before I realizes that was retarded and just came back inside and went to bed.

Raw 10.10.11

We open with more of the Triple H show as we recap the walk out from last week juxtaposed to clips of mayhem from the last few weeks. I love the Lord of the Rings music toward the end there. Was that a lute? It’s good to see the camera guy at least showed up as we see some pretty pissed off fans at ringside and then cut to the back. Triple H is shown walking so much I’m beginning to think he’s reenacting Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde for NES. He walks out to shrug his shoulders like “What are you donna do? I know, I’m awesome. He announces he showed up in case you are blind, def and retarded. Just in case you were wondering, we still have no announcers.

Triple H mocks the entire raw locker room in an effort to bury them. He says they are all outside protesting the show in their wrestling gear, but are refusing to perform unless he steps down. I heard some cheers for that. He ponders just leaving (no chance), but says he’s never been a quitter. He promises not to quit and the guys in the parking lot can kiss his ass. He’s stripping his shirt, so I guess he’s wrestling himself for the next two hours. He promises to wrestle a broomstick and says it will give him a better match than most of the guys in the parking lot. He promises a show, and I’m hoping it involves nudity.

This apparently summons John Cena as the ancient rights have been completed. John leisurely jogs to the ring and just sort of climbs in instead of his usual slide. Cena says every single walk out member called him personally to ask him to join him, while Triple H never even so much as texted him to ask him to stay. Cena lists off all the bosses he’s had, Vince and Eric Bischoff actually gets mentioned. He mentions Vickie, fifty-six Gms and an anonymous GM, as well as Mike Adamle. The anonymous GM lives! Cena declares he is staying. He says the chaos is the reason we tune in every week. Oh. I thought it was to watch wrestling and it’s been about thirteen minutes so far without any.

Sheamus arrives to say something about this. What the fuck is going on with the lyrics in his theme song anyway? Sheamus bothers to remember he clocked Trips in the head with a pipe just a year ago, before making sure to point out Triple H kicked his ass hard in return. Sheamus declares he is going to stay as well before CM Punk arrives. I heard he was beaten up by TSAs for bringing a loaded weapon into an airport when he had a microphone in his bag.

Punk points out this is all his fault by reminding us that he used to be the focus of this convoluted mess of a storyline. Punk pretty much recaps everything he had to do with Triple H and John Cena before vaguely threatening Sheamus that he will take care of him personally if he has a problem with him. Punk finally declares that he’s here as well before asking Triple H what they should do now. Triple H says they should all shut up and fight and makes a match between Sheamus and John Cena with himself as referee. Punk is assigned to be the announcer and he looks like a kid in a candy store with free range to say whatever he wants. Punk only agrees if he gets to wear Triple H’s blazer. He also gives Punk double pay to ring the bell as well.

John Cena vs. Sheamus (w/ Guest Referee: Triple H)

Punk is immediately told by a fan not to screw it up. Sheamus and Cena tie up with Cena wrestling Sheamus down to the mat and we go to commercial. When we return, Sheamus picks up a series of two counts after escaping an attempted FU by Cena. Vince McMahon appears. Oh. What we into the thirty minute mark? I miss wrestling.

There is a “you got fired” chant going on as Vince sends off Cena, Punk and Sheamus. Vince gives us a rerun of when he was relieved of duties to say the board has kicked Triple H out of being in charge of Raw. No McMahon is allowed to do so anymore (that’s a plus), but now Johnny Ace will be in charge. He stares down Trips from the ring entrance.

After a break, we see John welcoming back everyone from the front. I love how Sin Cara is in his mask and a nice casual outfit. John Morrison says Lauranitis sucks even harder. Johnny makes a match for him before talking to Christian about wrestling him in street clothes. Have I mentioned how classy Cody looks with that belt? Evil Cara has a full suit on and we cut to ringside for the hyped return of Jim Ross, King and that other guy. Morrison is out to the ring as Cody and Zig-Swag accompany him to the ring.

John Morrison vs. Christian

Christian pushes Morrison to the ropes, but Morrison comes back with a flying forearm. Cole says they are in street clothes because they weren’t expecting to compete, despite it being said earlier they had their gear. Morrison suplexes Christian off the top and goes for starship pain, but Christian rolls out of the way as he lands on his feet. Swagger and Ziggler distract him to allow for the spear win from Christian.

Winner: Christian

Morrison eats a Zig Zag, Cross Rhodes and the gut wrench power bomb. Morrison: How not to get pushed. It goes quiet as the sound guy tries to figure out whose theme song to play. He decides on Swagger. We get Punk and Del Rio announced as well as Orton/Henry. The second is up next. Before the match there is footage of Johnny on the phone to his wife about how awesome he is. She went with him for the skateboard. Trips comes to the back to stare him down as Ace tries to talk about how reliable he is and how much he loves the WWE. Trips asks him if he’s ever tried to pick up his teeth with broken fingers. I tried that once, but then the police told me I had to give the guy his fingers back.

Henry is out talking about his encounter with Big Show last week with a montage. This segment goes on so long they go to commercial again. Discounting the fart in the wind that was Morrison’s match, we are over halfway through the show with no matches.

Mark Henry vs. Randy Orton

Orton is already working Orton over, but he misses a knee drop and Henry comes back on him in the corner with head butts and places Orton up top. Orton pummels away at Henry, but one shot from Henry sends him to the floor. Henry delivers a running power slam…and by running I mean leisurely walking, for a two count. Henry misses a big butt drop on Orton and this hurts him quite a bit so Orton boots him in the face and drops a knee. He starts to go into his little RKO dance he did that one time he RKOed Henry it seems. Orton flattens Henry with the suspended DDT and then goes into his psycho mode, so it’s mat humping time.

Cody Rhodes makes the sudden run in and is clotheslined to the floor by Orton. Henry scoops Orton up for the World’s Strongest Slam, but Orton flips out of it when he’s lifted up and counters into an RKO. He drags Henry out from under the ropes, but Rhodes runs in a second time to end it in DQ.

Winner: Orton

Rhodes gets his ass kicked by Orton and Orton looks to be setting up to finish him off when Henry recovers and drops him with the slam. Henry goes for a pin because he’s retarded and decides to slam him a second time for good measure. Cody just stands around looking shocked like he forgot why he was in this segment. Is Cody more orange than usual? He delivers a Cross Rhodes before calling for a bag. Orton has completed his transformation into Faust from Guilty Gear. Cody cuts a somewhat unintelligible promo, including asking Orton if he would like a receipt with that bag. He then laughs in a sort of maniacal manner that sounds like he’s out of breath.

There’s a replay of Kelly somehow destroying Beth with ease last week before a diva tag match.

Kelly Kelly & Eve Torres vs. Rosa Mendez & Tamina

They still have jobs? Kelly goes apes hit and beats Rosa into a corner then immediately botches a handspring elbow by kicking her in the face on the way in. She climb up into a hanging head scissor over the ropes, then trips her from the outside and starts stomping into Rosa who dives into a tag to Tamina. Kelly tackles her too, but Tamina manages to regain control with some powerful blows and a knee drop. Kelly dodges a body splash five years too early and Eve tags in. She flips in to counter a snap mare. They botch a clothesline spot and Eve flips into a senton for two. Rosa breaks up the pin and is tackled to the floor by Kelly. Back in the ring, Tamina charges Eve into the corner only to be super kicked. Eve climbs up top for a moonsault that comes pretty close to being passable for three.

Winners: Eve & Kelly

Eve and Natalya are seen watching this from the back. Johnny Ace strolls out following this as if he’s trying to save us from any more. John invites Jim Ross into the ring. Have I mentioned they are in Oklahoma? This will not end well. By the way, he’s fired for walking out, because they makes sense. He just leaves in complete silence as this has happened so many times he’s probably used to it. Cole celebrates like Santino.

We get a replay of the Mason Ryan betrayal of Zig-Swag.

Air Boom & Mason Ryan vs. Zig-Swag & David Otunga w/ Vickie Guerrero

Evan starts out kicking Dolph into the ground with some high kicks to the head. Kofi tags in and they deliver double running dropkick to him in the corner for two. Dolph runs away to the floor. Cole and King are back to bickering like children. Kofi clotheslines Dolph to the floor when he tries to come back in and Evan delivers a flying cross body. Swagger and Otunga come out to defend him from further punishment as we break for commercial.

Kofi is getting worked by Swagger, but he tags out to Ryan as we return who gets an oddly big pop. He hoists Swagger up and charges him into the corners multiple times before hanging him up for a tree of woe. It seemed like he accidentally put him in the wrong corner and had to switch. Air Boom both dropkick him in the head from the apron as Kofi tags in, but Swagger hangs Kofi up on the ropes in the corner and tags out to Otunga. Otunga tries to pretend he knows what he’s doing while delivers an actually pretty nice suplex that gets just one. Dolph tags in and continues to keep the pressure on. Kofi tries for a backslide for two, but Ziggler comes right back with a dropkick to the head for two of his own.

Swagger gets back in and blocks the tag attempt, taking Evan off the apron, before walking right back into a slam from Kofi. Kofi crawls to the tag to Ryan and he runs Dolph over as he tags in as well. Mason spears Ziggler into the corner and combos it into a running kick. Black ref says it’s two as Otunga breaks it up, but Kofi sends him to the floor. Swagger kicks him in the head and then counters the knee press by Bourne into a power bomb. Ryan takes care of it himself and blocks Ziggler who tries to take advantage, dropping him with the swinging side slam for three.

Winners: Faces

Evan is dead at ringside and being checked on by Black Ref. He could be legit hurt, it’s not really clear. In other news, you can vote on the first show title for WWE Network. Sadly, none of them are proposed Wrestling Fan show names. Another Brodus Claw package. And not a single fuck was given that day. After a break, it’s a John Cena movi trailer. Oh boy. This is followed by an announcement of Cena and Del Rio at Vengeance for the title. Speaking of such, Ricardo is in the ring to introduce Del Rio for his match.

WWE Champion Alberto Del Rio w/ Ricardo Rodriguez vs. CM Punk (Non-Title Match)

The match starts off with a tie up as Punk chants ring out in the arena. Del Rio’s tights look like he ripped the crotch and knees off of Storm’s 1990’s X-Men uniform. Punk forces Del Rio to the corner and then runs him down with a hard shoulder block. Punk ties up Del Rio again and moves into a series of leg kick before stomping the ever-loving hell out of him. My. God. They are still fighting about JR here and it’s driving me crazy. Del Rio takes a walk to discuss with Ricardo what he should do. Apparently, Ricardo really told him how to handle it, because he manages get the better of Punk and work him into a headlock after some punches.

Punk counters with a back suplex for two. Punk works a head scissor, but he completely bombs the Pepsi One when Del Rio steps aside, hitting his knee and falling to the floor…and because having a fucking match finish is lame, Johnny Ace stops the match and replaces it with a tag team match. Bullshit. He reveals he re-hired Truth and Miz to take on Del Rio and Punk. They at least get to sing their entrance.

CM Punk & Alberto Del Rio vs. The Miz & R-Truth

We come back from a break with the match in progress. Alberto is laying into Truth hard. He delivers a running enziguiri to Miz on the apron, but turns into a beat down by Truth. Truth refuses to stop beating his ass until Lil’ Naitch drags him off. Miz tags in while Truth screams about Jimmy. Miz gives some rising knees and a knee lift before choking Del Rio over the ropes. Del Rio counters a back body drop with a sharp kick and a front dropkick gets him two. Punk tags in and kicks Miz from behind while Del Rio holds him. It’s kind of weird to see Del Rio in this position. Punk chokes Miz out after stomping on him and delivers a weird Russian Leg Sweep for two.

Miz escapes with a knee to the midsection and tags out to Truth who gets his ass kicked. There is a big chant going on that I can ‘t really understand. Rio tags in, but Truth gets the better of him. Miz tags in and starts stomping away at Del Rio before running him down with a kick to the jaw. Alberto uses the same counter as before to dropkick Miz out of an Irish whip before tagging Punk and running off with Ricardo. Punk remembers his TV Tropes and realizes his odds of victory have now increased as Miz and Truth becomes mooks to the solo hero. Truth delivers a kick to a held Punk as he tags in and goes into a gangsta beat down. Truth gets up on the ref again for being called off. Truth uses the heel strategy of…a body scissor?

Truth tags out to Miz and they drop Punk with a double shoulder block. Miz hovers over Punk likes he’s going to hump him before just beating Punk into the corner, which made it a very odd set up. Miz distracts the ref for some choking by Truth. Punk winds up on both heels after some taunting from Miz. He takes Truth down on the apron and delivers the Pepsi One to Miz. He clotheslines Truth on the apron while going into the bulldog on Miz. The Macho Elbow lands on Miz and Punk signals a GTS. Truth makes the save and they both begin to beat Punk down until the ref finally calls for the DQ.

Winners: Punk & Rio

Triple H charges the ring afterward in his street clothes since I guess he decided he doesn’t need a suit now. He beats the shit out of both guys and then singles out Miz as Punk goes after Truth. Miz is tossed into a camera guy and then into the ring steps while Punk tags Truth around the announcer desk to strip it clean. Trips is tosses the stairs down the ring entrance while Truth runs away through the crowd. Punk and Trips taunt in the ring. I love the lopsided ponytail Trips has. Elsewhere, we see David in his dorky bow tie talking to Johnny Ace about how he’s going to have the board put Punk and Trips up against Awesome Truth at the PPV.

Highlight of the Night: CM Punk’s reaction to getting to be commentator by himself.

Lowlight of the Night: Everything Else

WWE “Creative” Award: Holy crap, how do you write a show that bad? How?

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.