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RAW RANT:
(10/05/09)
By Cameron Burge

Welcome back off of the heels of Hell in a Cell where we continued to play WWE Title Hot Potato. Orton walked out with the gold and so did Taker, not much else happened unless you like cage matches and filler matches.

Raw 10.05.09

Tonight’s show is quarterback for the Steeler’s Ben “My name sounds like a hamburger”. He opens the show for us to announce his idea of a Diva Bowl, which amounts to dressing up the divas in football uniforms that are just skimpy enough to be absolutely useless as such. It’s even cross-brand. The heels don’t even get a team logo though, cheap bastard. Wow, bathroom break already? Look at the time….

Diva Bowl! (It’s like the superbowl with more tits)

The girls face off in two lines after teasing it would be a tag team match. Ref Kim throws flags and blows her whistle while separating everyone. This is fucking retarded. Rosa comes in with her “I know Kung Fu” and gets heel kicked by Mickie in the face. Alicia tags in and gets equally owned. I told you they needed team logos. At least Alicia’s jersey has Ultimate Warrior tassels. Mickie hit’s a hurricanrana and a sloppy neck breaker for two. Both Jillian and Beth interrupt and attack Mickie so Kelly comes in and we now just trade with chicks running in and hitting signature moves on whoever is in. It’s a little awkward how overly coordinated this is. Melina fucks up her move entirely. Mickie finishes it off with her DDT on Michelle McCool then finishes Alicia with a bad looking hurricanrana pin. This all would have been cool if they didn’t BOTCH EVERY FUCKING MOVE THIS MATCH.
Winners: Faces

Well that’s over…oh Orton is here now. He gets introduced in case you forgot who he is as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: If that movie doesn’t end with a pumpkin chariot I will be upset.

Back to the show. Orton is giving us glitter vision with an absurdly tight close up of the belt. Orton informs us he won, confirming he didn’t just do like Miz and Swagger and casually walk off with a belt instead. He demands Cena come out and try to demand a rematch like he knows he wants to. Cena gives a speech about how Cena won fair and square and wants it one more time. He says all the people seem to agree with him but actually um, the reaction is pretty dead for it. I think we’re all TIRED OF THIS FUCKING MATCH. Cena wants the rematch to be Iron Man match. I hate to tell him that Tony Stark was bought out by Osborne so it will be hard to get a hold of two sets of armor for that. Who the hell would want 60 minutes of rest holds? Orton has his own terms to issure in which Cena can never return to Raw if he loses. Cena accepts the terms as a No DQ Iron Man Match.  At least they were smart enough to add weapons into that match to keep it from being
 boring.

Random Commercial Thought: Corn!

Back to the show where Jack Swagger is here claiming he will be undefeated for the rest of the year. Primo will be his opponent.

Jack Swagger vs. Primo Colon

Primo dodges a clothesline and rolls Swagger up for the three….okay that’s just how I would have written it. Primo rolls around and takes a beating pretty bad. He gets kicked to the corner where he bounces out before Swagger slingshots into a body splash. He does some DEVESTATING push up as a follow up. His ring prowess is genius. Primo gets choked out on the middle rope and a suplex scores a two count for Swagger. Swagger tries to scoop Primo but he rolls through into a roll up for two. Swagger throws Primo to the corner for big rights but Primo kicks out and starts to fight back. A dropkick from Primo scores two….for some reason. Swagger decides to just cut Primo off in mid air out of a cross body from the top with a kick to the gut. Swagger drags Primo up off the mat for the Gutwrench and the three.
Winner: Swagger

In the back, Show and Jericho are talking silently, Jericho in his douche bag suit and Big Show in his intimidating…pocket T.

Random Commercial Thought: More Corn! This time shall be different!

Back to the show where the divas are all yelling at each other in the back until ref Santino interrupts and talks in echo for a bit. He demands Mickie and Alicia to kiss and make up. I…am totally on board for this plan. Santino gets punched by Alicia and a brawl breaks out. Yay, pointless. Ben Hamburger is approached in back by The Miz who has to admit he got wrecked but he still thinks he’s awesome. He wants a shot at the US title because he deserves one for losing. He makes the match but if Miz loses he has to announce in the ring that he’s Awful. Oh my, how devastating. You are a master deal-maker Mr. Hamburger.

Random Commercial Thought: Bragging Rights? It’s called Bragging Rights? That’s fucking weak.

Chavo and Masters are back out, Masters having apparently gotten over getting punched right in the jaw last week instead of beating Chavo’s scrawny ass around the ring like a man would.

Mark Henry & MVP vs. Chavo Guerrero & Chris Masters

Henry beats on Masters to start us off and trades out to MVP who has come a colossal pussy since he started having to play the small guy in a tag team. He gets wrecked of course. MVP tries to crawl to a tag but Chavo hits Henry off the apron and drags him back. Henry revives and comes in to squash everyone but he seems to have hurt his leg and I don’t care AT ALL. I totally missed how this match ended, but big whoop.
Winners: Blackies

Masters is pissed at Chavo for losing the match and Chavo gets up in his face until Masters goes for a MasterFull Nelson. Chavo is saved by a thigh-biting Horns waggle (THIGH?). Chavo levels Masters with a DDT and Hornswoggle DX chops at Chavo but his tiny little arms won’t cross. I hate you Hornswoggle. I hate you so much.

Random Commercial Thought: Ninja Turtles has never had a good fighting game, why do they keep trying?

Back to the show where Ben comes to the ring only to be interrupted by Jericho and Big Show. Show wants to know why he’s called Big Ben. Ben calls out the entire line of black men for the Steelers…and a guy who looks like Will Sasso. Is it apparent yet I am not an NFL fan? After Jericho talks some shit, Big Show lines up against the entire line only to back out like a bitch. It was only eight fat guys! Oh and now DX. Jericho talks about how the DX merchandising is pathetic. Trips thanks him for the plug and compliments Chris’ hair. It is very nice actually. This leads to a terrible joke. I shall not repeat it. Shawn says he got his backside handed to him in hell in a cell. Yeah, and then he actually had a match to go do after he was done with his wife! AMIRITE?! DX note how Show and Jericho have yet to face them. They try to weasel out but Mr. Hamburger (I’m going to call him Hamburglar from now on) is having none of this and makes the match for
 tonight. The Steelers all do the DX rockets together. This is vaguely homoerotic….like the rest of wrestling I guess.

Random Commercial Thought: NBA games suck.

Back to the show. We recap what happened in the first hour because we needed more padding before Kofi makes his way out to defend the strap.

US Champion Kofi Kingston vs. The Miz (US Title Match)

Kofi shows off and talks some shit before Miz hits a head butt by surprise for a zero count. Idiot. Miz dodges Trouble in paradise but takes several chops to the chest so he rolls to the floor to recover. Kofi takes some goofy stands before rolling Miz up for one. Kofi leaps around but Miz predicts a leapfrog and clothesline from behind for another one count. Miz starts kicking Kofi around on the ground.

Random Commercial Thought: Superman had a little known power of Super-eating. He could have eaten that guy’s food AND his truck.

Back to the match. Miz takes Kofi down and has to be pulled off of a flurry of mounted punches before covering Kofi for two. Miz beats Kofi to the rope and counters an attempted reversal but Kofi catches him with a sudden trouble in paradise. Since Kofi doesn’t realize he can just win by count out he’s an idiot and goes out to get Miz from outside where he fell. When he finally gets him back in, Kofi scores only two. Miz tries a small package for two and Kofi fires up on him. He tries for Boom Boom Boom but Miz rolls over only to get kicked in the side and eat the leg drop anyway. Miz makes the ropes on the cover.

Miz hangs Kofi up on the middle rope and delivers a rising knee but Kofi counters with a backslide for two. Miz comes back with wild punches back and forth now. Miz bombs a clothesline and Kofi delivers a series of them before climbing up top. Don’t do it! You’re new hair isn’t aerodynamic. Miz rolls through the cross body for two. Kofi counters a reality Check into “The SOS” which I didn’t even know he had.  This only gets two and Kofi bombs a leap into the corner, falling into the Reality Check for three. Wait what?
Winner: Miz

At least it was a good match but everyone has the same expression on their face: “It’s the fucking MIZ.”

Random Commercial Thought: Paranormal Activity seems to be getting an unfairly small release across the country.

Back to the show. We recap the entire show yet again. This is like the third or forth time tonight. Elsewhere, Hornswoggle and Santino are hanging out in Hamburglar’s hideout. Santino has as much trouble with the name as I did before Horny gives a high five for…some…reason? Big Show and Jericho are walking stoicly as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Why would you make a game of the shittiest Marvel Crossover of all time?

Back to the show. We got about 15 minutes time so it looks like we’re in for the long haul on this last one folks.

Unified Tag Team Champions Chris Jericho & Big Show vs. Degeneration X

Jericho starts off with Triple H surprisingly. They wrestle around angrily and force a break in the corner. Jericho goes to a headlock as the crowd rallies for Triple H. Jericho runs Trips down but eats a hip toss on his second attempt. Trips works the arm over and makes the tag to Michaels. Jericho breaks free and runs to the tag, forcing Michaels out for Triple H as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I’ve seen very few commercials these days for USA shows.

Back to the show where Trips is…working over Big Show with a headlock? LOLOLOLOLOL. Oh wait, it’s  bear hug that’s just awkward for Show. Trips tries to break free and keeps punching at his head until he’s finally released only for Show to trade out with Jericho in the heel corner. Jericho taunts and celebrates his dominance like an idiot, but surprisingly this has no negative repercussions whatsoever because the episode would be over too fast. Jericho gets tossed into a corner and catches Trips with a kick before flying off the top with a missile dropkick for two. Jericho chokes Trips out on the rope. Jericho misses his little riding move follow up though and Trips crawls to the tag.

Michaels is in and lights Jericho up with his general offense until Jericho reverses a corner whip and kicks Shawn while he’s down. Big Show is back in with a leg drop before taunting himself because winning is apparently pointless. Canadian back breaker by Show. Haha….Canadian. He slams Michaels out of it after a moment. Jericho trades back in and works the back some more until Michaels fights up.

Michaels stomps toes like it’s Kung Fu Hustle to get out. Michaels manages a small package but Jericho reverses it into the Walls. Michaels crawls to the ropes but Jericho drags him back to the middle of the ring. Trips breaks up the hold right before he taps with a clothesline to the back of the head. Show makes the tag and charges at Michaels in a corner right into a foot….and he does it multiple times. Show takes a dropkick to the knee. Show grabs him by the foot and takes an enziguiri so Michaels can make the tag. Jericho is in and Trips gives him a knee before kicking Big Show to the floor. Clothesline from Trips picks up two.

Facebuster on Jericho but Big Show snatches Trips from behind. Jericho inadvertently collides with Show and takes a spine buster. Show blocks the Pedigree with a choke and goes for the double on Michaels. DX try to counter with a double suplex but Show suplexes them both instead. Show charges Trips and is sent to the floor by a rope pull. Jericho scoops Trips for two and goes for the Walls but Trips twists him off and goes for the Pedigree. Show drags him out to the floor and catches a suicide dive by Michaels. Trips makes the save and they send Show into the ring post. Back in the ring, Jericho is bending over the burial he’s about to receive. Jericho runs away rather than fight the both but is cut off by the Hamburglar and friends.

Since count outs are non-existent, DX just come  up behind him and drag him back to the ring. Trips ducks a clothesline, sending Jericho right into Sweet Chin Music for the three.
Winners: DX

Highlight of the Night: I never thought I’d be putting a Miz match here. Ever.

Lowlight of the Night: The Diva match was fucking HORRIBLE. How do you even have jobs after something that bad?

WWE “Creative” Award: We spent most of this year losing to Cody Rhodes and Dibiase, and won once! Look how awesome we are!

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).