Welcome back off
of the heels of Hell in a Cell where we continued to
play WWE Title Hot Potato. Orton walked out with the
gold and so did Taker, not much else happened unless
you like cage matches and filler matches.
Tonight’s show is quarterback for the Steeler’s Ben
“My name sounds like a hamburger”. He opens the show
for us to announce his idea of a Diva Bowl, which
amounts to dressing up the divas in football
uniforms that are just skimpy enough to be
absolutely useless as such. It’s even cross-brand.
The heels don’t even get a team logo though, cheap
bastard. Wow, bathroom break already? Look at the
Diva Bowl! (It’s like the superbowl
with more tits)
The girls face off in
two lines after teasing it would be a tag team
match. Ref Kim throws flags and blows her whistle
while separating everyone. This is fucking retarded.
Rosa comes in with her “I know Kung Fu” and gets
heel kicked by Mickie in the face. Alicia tags in
and gets equally owned. I told you they needed team
logos. At least Alicia’s jersey has Ultimate Warrior
tassels. Mickie hit’s a hurricanrana and a sloppy
neck breaker for two. Both Jillian and Beth
interrupt and attack Mickie so Kelly comes in and we
now just trade with chicks running in and hitting
signature moves on whoever is in. It’s a little
awkward how overly coordinated this is. Melina fucks
up her move entirely. Mickie finishes it off with
her DDT on Michelle McCool then finishes Alicia with
a bad looking hurricanrana pin. This all would have
been cool if they didn’t BOTCH EVERY FUCKING MOVE
over…oh Orton is here now. He gets introduced in
case you forgot who he is as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: If that movie doesn’t end
with a pumpkin chariot I will be upset.
to the show. Orton is giving us glitter vision with
an absurdly tight close up of the belt. Orton
informs us he won, confirming he didn’t just do like
Miz and Swagger and casually walk off with a belt
instead. He demands Cena come out and try to demand
a rematch like he knows he wants to. Cena gives a
speech about how Cena won fair and square and wants
it one more time. He says all the people seem to
agree with him but actually um, the reaction is
pretty dead for it. I think we’re all TIRED OF THIS
FUCKING MATCH. Cena wants the rematch to be Iron Man
match. I hate to tell him that Tony Stark was bought
out by Osborne so it will be hard to get a hold of
two sets of armor for that. Who the hell would want
60 minutes of rest holds? Orton has his own terms to
issure in which Cena can never return to Raw if he
loses. Cena accepts the terms as a No DQ Iron Man
Match. At least they were smart enough to add
weapons into that match to keep it from being
Random Commercial Thought: Corn!
Back to the show where Jack Swagger is here claiming
he will be undefeated for the rest of the year.
Primo will be his opponent.
Jack Swagger vs. Primo Colon
dodges a clothesline and rolls Swagger up for the
three….okay that’s just how I would have written it.
Primo rolls around and takes a beating pretty bad.
He gets kicked to the corner where he bounces out
before Swagger slingshots into a body splash. He
does some DEVESTATING push up as a follow up. His
ring prowess is genius. Primo gets choked out on the
middle rope and a suplex scores a two count for
Swagger. Swagger tries to scoop Primo but he rolls
through into a roll up for two. Swagger throws Primo
to the corner for big rights but Primo kicks out and
starts to fight back. A dropkick from Primo scores
two….for some reason. Swagger decides to just cut
Primo off in mid air out of a cross body from the
top with a kick to the gut. Swagger drags Primo up
off the mat for the Gutwrench and the three.
In the back, Show and Jericho
are talking silently, Jericho in his douche bag suit
and Big Show in his intimidating…pocket T.
Random Commercial Thought: More Corn! This time
shall be different!
Back to the show where
the divas are all yelling at each other in the back
until ref Santino interrupts and talks in echo for a
bit. He demands Mickie and Alicia to kiss and make
up. I…am totally on board for this plan. Santino
gets punched by Alicia and a brawl breaks out. Yay,
pointless. Ben Hamburger is approached in back by
The Miz who has to admit he got wrecked but he still
thinks he’s awesome. He wants a shot at the US title
because he deserves one for losing. He makes the
match but if Miz loses he has to announce in the
ring that he’s Awful. Oh my, how devastating. You
are a master deal-maker Mr. Hamburger.
Commercial Thought: Bragging Rights? It’s called
Bragging Rights? That’s fucking weak.
and Masters are back out, Masters having apparently
gotten over getting punched right in the jaw last
week instead of beating Chavo’s scrawny ass around
the ring like a man would.
Mark Henry & MVP vs. Chavo Guerrero
& Chris Masters
Henry beats on Masters
to start us off and trades out to MVP who has come a
colossal pussy since he started having to play the
small guy in a tag team. He gets wrecked of course.
MVP tries to crawl to a tag but Chavo hits Henry off
the apron and drags him back. Henry revives and
comes in to squash everyone but he seems to have
hurt his leg and I don’t care AT ALL. I totally
missed how this match ended, but big whoop.
Masters is pissed at Chavo
for losing the match and Chavo gets up in his face
until Masters goes for a MasterFull Nelson. Chavo is
saved by a thigh-biting Horns waggle (THIGH?). Chavo
levels Masters with a DDT and Hornswoggle DX chops
at Chavo but his tiny little arms won’t cross. I
hate you Hornswoggle. I hate you so much.
Random Commercial Thought: Ninja Turtles has never
had a good fighting game, why do they keep trying?
Back to the show where Ben comes to the ring only to
be interrupted by Jericho and Big Show. Show wants
to know why he’s called Big Ben. Ben calls out the
entire line of black men for the Steelers…and a guy
who looks like Will Sasso. Is it apparent yet I am
not an NFL fan? After Jericho talks some shit, Big
Show lines up against the entire line only to back
out like a bitch. It was only eight fat guys! Oh and
now DX. Jericho talks about how the DX merchandising
is pathetic. Trips thanks him for the plug and
compliments Chris’ hair. It is very nice actually.
This leads to a terrible joke. I shall not repeat
it. Shawn says he got his backside handed to him in
hell in a cell. Yeah, and then he actually had a
match to go do after he was done with his wife!
AMIRITE?! DX note how Show and Jericho have yet to
face them. They try to weasel out but Mr. Hamburger
(I’m going to call him Hamburglar from now on) is
having none of this and makes the match for
tonight. The Steelers all do the DX rockets
together. This is vaguely homoerotic….like the rest
of wrestling I guess.
Thought: NBA games suck.
Back to the show. We
recap what happened in the first hour because we
needed more padding before Kofi makes his way out to
defend the strap.
US Champion Kofi Kingston vs. The Miz (US Title
Kofi shows off and talks some
shit before Miz hits a head butt by surprise for a
zero count. Idiot. Miz dodges Trouble in paradise
but takes several chops to the chest so he rolls to
the floor to recover. Kofi takes some goofy stands
before rolling Miz up for one. Kofi leaps around but
Miz predicts a leapfrog and clothesline from behind
for another one count. Miz starts kicking Kofi
around on the ground.
Thought: Superman had a little known power of
Super-eating. He could have eaten that guy’s food
AND his truck.
Back to the match. Miz takes
Kofi down and has to be pulled off of a flurry of
mounted punches before covering Kofi for two. Miz
beats Kofi to the rope and counters an attempted
reversal but Kofi catches him with a sudden trouble
in paradise. Since Kofi doesn’t realize he can just
win by count out he’s an idiot and goes out to get
Miz from outside where he fell. When he finally gets
him back in, Kofi scores only two. Miz tries a small
package for two and Kofi fires up on him. He tries
for Boom Boom Boom but Miz rolls over only to get
kicked in the side and eat the leg drop anyway. Miz
makes the ropes on the cover.
Miz hangs Kofi
up on the middle rope and delivers a rising knee but
Kofi counters with a backslide for two. Miz comes
back with wild punches back and forth now. Miz bombs
a clothesline and Kofi delivers a series of them
before climbing up top. Don’t do it! You’re new hair
isn’t aerodynamic. Miz rolls through the cross body
for two. Kofi counters a reality Check into “The
SOS” which I didn’t even know he had. This
only gets two and Kofi bombs a leap into the corner,
falling into the Reality Check for three. Wait what?
At least it was a good match but
everyone has the same expression on their face:
“It’s the fucking MIZ.”
Thought: Paranormal Activity seems to be getting an
unfairly small release across the country.
Back to the show. We recap the entire show yet
again. This is like the third or forth time tonight.
Elsewhere, Hornswoggle and Santino are hanging out
in Hamburglar’s hideout. Santino has as much trouble
with the name as I did before Horny gives a high
five for…some…reason? Big Show and Jericho are
walking stoicly as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Why would you make a game
of the shittiest Marvel Crossover of all time?
Back to the show. We got about 15 minutes time so it
looks like we’re in for the long haul on this last
Unified Tag Team Champions Chris Jericho & Big
Show vs. Degeneration X
off with Triple H surprisingly. They wrestle around
angrily and force a break in the corner. Jericho
goes to a headlock as the crowd rallies for Triple
H. Jericho runs Trips down but eats a hip toss on
his second attempt. Trips works the arm over and
makes the tag to Michaels. Jericho breaks free and
runs to the tag, forcing Michaels out for Triple H
as we go to commercial.
Thought: I’ve seen very few commercials these days
for USA shows.
Back to the show where Trips
is…working over Big Show with a headlock?
LOLOLOLOLOL. Oh wait, it’s bear hug that’s
just awkward for Show. Trips tries to break free and
keeps punching at his head until he’s finally
released only for Show to trade out with Jericho in
the heel corner. Jericho taunts and celebrates his
dominance like an idiot, but surprisingly this has
no negative repercussions whatsoever because the
episode would be over too fast. Jericho gets tossed
into a corner and catches Trips with a kick before
flying off the top with a missile dropkick for two.
Jericho chokes Trips out on the rope. Jericho misses
his little riding move follow up though and Trips
crawls to the tag.
Michaels is in and lights
Jericho up with his general offense until Jericho
reverses a corner whip and kicks Shawn while he’s
down. Big Show is back in with a leg drop before
taunting himself because winning is apparently
pointless. Canadian back breaker by Show.
Haha….Canadian. He slams Michaels out of it after a
moment. Jericho trades back in and works the back
some more until Michaels fights up.
stomps toes like it’s Kung Fu Hustle to get out.
Michaels manages a small package but Jericho
reverses it into the Walls. Michaels crawls to the
ropes but Jericho drags him back to the middle of
the ring. Trips breaks up the hold right before he
taps with a clothesline to the back of the head.
Show makes the tag and charges at Michaels in a
corner right into a foot….and he does it multiple
times. Show takes a dropkick to the knee. Show grabs
him by the foot and takes an enziguiri so Michaels
can make the tag. Jericho is in and Trips gives him
a knee before kicking Big Show to the floor.
Clothesline from Trips picks up two.
Facebuster on Jericho but Big Show snatches Trips
from behind. Jericho inadvertently collides with
Show and takes a spine buster. Show blocks the
Pedigree with a choke and goes for the double on
Michaels. DX try to counter with a double suplex but
Show suplexes them both instead. Show charges Trips
and is sent to the floor by a rope pull. Jericho
scoops Trips for two and goes for the Walls but
Trips twists him off and goes for the Pedigree. Show
drags him out to the floor and catches a suicide
dive by Michaels. Trips makes the save and they send
Show into the ring post. Back in the ring, Jericho
is bending over the burial he’s about to receive.
Jericho runs away rather than fight the both but is
cut off by the Hamburglar and friends.
count outs are non-existent, DX just come up
behind him and drag him back to the ring. Trips
ducks a clothesline, sending Jericho right into
Sweet Chin Music for the three.
Highlight of the Night: I never thought I’d
be putting a Miz match here. Ever.
Lowlight of the Night: The Diva match was
fucking HORRIBLE. How do you even have jobs after
something that bad?
WWE “Creative” Award: We spent most of this
year losing to Cody Rhodes and Dibiase, and won
once! Look how awesome we are!
Send Feedback to
is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best
Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday
night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno"
(not to be confused with all those impostors out there)
Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to
assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man,
Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to
science. (which makes his current day to day life quite
uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).