This week’s Raw Rant, as
you might have guessed, is a little different. I
didn’t watch the show on TV as I attended it live
instead. That is why you won’t be seeing any of my
usual commercial thoughts, and a bit different style
to things. It’s also why this is late as I was out
all night. Joining me is my LTR Rookie Jeff “I’m
Definitely Not a Furry” Knott, who was kind enough
to take some notes of the television broadcast.
Before the show, we
got WWE Superstars. Who the fuck is that other guy
sitting next to King? He got such a non-reaction
that I think he might need to kill himself. Or at
least contemplate other career options. Before the
show, setting up the ring, I spotted them sneaking
Goldust under the ring behind a bunch of other guys,
proving my own personal guess as to the ending of
the Secret Admirer angle that is probably never
going to go anywhere or amount to anything ever.
They made me watch an Ezekiel Jackson match. I
didn’t even know that guy still had a job. And why
is the man with a homeless beard the face when Primo
is way more marketable? William Regal looked nice in
his match against Darren Young, who has been
repackaged as a face with little to no warning. He
got a decently large “Let’s Go Buckwheat” chant a
few times. The Uso/Dynasty match was a bit
lackluster as you could have called the entire
match’s ending blindfolded and just furthered the
build up to a possible Dynasty Breakup, which would
be completely fucking pointless.
opened with enough pyro to nearly blow my goddamn
ear drums. The Intrust Arena isn’t very big and I’m
surprise nobody died a horrible burning death from
all the fireworks. Before I continue, let me explain
the crowd. Wichita is a Cena City. There was maybe a
handful of people wearing shirts for other wrestlers
and a see of orange and purple backs from where I
was sitting. The man sitting in front of me seemed
ready to kick my ass since I had the AUDACITY to
chant “GO HEEL” at Cena throughout most of the
opening segments. The fat fuck also stood through
most of the show, forcing me to stand in order to
see, but he would also raise his arms for minutes on
end while standing for no reason. I can only assume
he was retarded. Or a member of WWE Creative.
Nexus hit the ring to an absolutely massive amount
of heel heat, proving that they were salvageable in
that respect at least. Wade gets smarmy and
eventually brings out Cena. Cena is forced by Slater
to put on a Nexus arm band which got an equal amount
of hate from the audience. (Knott: Was that a “Fuck
You” chant during Wade’s speech (twice no less)?
Good work Cameron on corrupting the local youth in
attendance.) Indeed, there was not one, but too fuck
you chants, including many middle fingers raised.
Later in the night, many signs were censored for
language during the Sign of the Night (It was
definitely the “My Mom Thinks I’m Studying” sign).
It’s clear to me Heath Slater never took a public
speaking course or he might at least be able to
annunciate better in his promos. (Knott: Heath
Slater looks a bit like an ex-girlfriend when he
smiles. That’s not a good thing for anyone.) Michael
Tarver complains that Cena better not “lay hands on
him” again. I wonder if he thinks that will cure his
complete lack of charisma, since Cena is apparently
the son of God. Barrett requires Cena to take place
in a match to teach Henry and Bourne a lesson. Cena
picks Tarver as his partner by getting up in his
face and rubbing noses like Eskimos.
Knott Commercial Thought (Hey it rhymes!): North
Korea seems to be moving towards a power shift, with
Kim Jong-Il positioning his son to take over control
of his totalitarian state.
WWE seems to be moving
towards a power shit, with Vince McMahon positioning
his son-in-law to take over controls of his
Michael Tarver & John Cena vs. Evan Bourne & Mark
Cena starts off with
Bourne, but Tarver yells at him to get in and do
what he does best: Bury young talent. Cena tags in
Tarver instead to show him how it’s done. (Knott: Is
shouting “ha” Tarver’s signature move? Maybe in the
next SvR) I’m pretty sure the next Smackdown vs. Raw
is going to make everything but headlocks a
finishing maneuver. The story here was Henry and
Bourne absolutely destroy Tarver and Cena refuses to
tag in, taking a moment to sign autographs at
ringside rather than tag him out. Eventually Henry
crushes him with the World’s Strongest Slam and
that’s all she wrote. No Air Bourne makes me sad.
Winners: Bourne & Henry
After the match, Cena
says he plans to destroy Nexus from the inside out,
which makes the crowd pop pretty big before he goes
to destroying Tarver at ringside. A body slam onto
the steps gets a chant for a second one, so he
follows suit. After an STF in the middle of the
ring, the GM gets the third biggest heel pop of the
night (second went to Michael Cole himself) by
interrupting things. Cena is informed that if he
refuses to take orders from Barrett as a member of
Nexus, he will be fired (Knott: Utterly hilarious
watching small children on the verge of tears over
the chance Cena could get “fired”. Someone should
really stop these kids sniffing glue, get them an
edukashun and tell them to harden the fuck up). The
child behind me screamed “NOOOOO” Darth Vader style
at this news and my friend and I tried very hard to
laugh at him too much. Keep this in mind for later
though. The crowd DOESN’T want Cena to get fired. A
man behind me got quote of
the night during
Cena’s prolonged promo with: “Come on, John we only
got a two hour program!”
Jeff Knott Commercial
Thought: Chilean miners are trapped underground
having been completely buried by a rockfall.
Van Dam and Jeff Hardy are trapped in TNA having
been completely buried by HHH.
not one but TWO Wrestlemania DVD commercials, we
come back to Natalya who I’ve been getting behind in
the Diva’s division as a pretty solid performer.
Then Alicia Fox came out. FUUUUUUUUUUCK.
Alicia Fox vs. Natalya
I thank Thor
who is smiling down on us all right now, that this
match was so mercifully short and I didn’t have to
see Alicia Fox almost kill another Diva with her
scissor kick. Maybe they finally learned their
lesson about that. Natalya puts this one away quick
with the sharpshooter that she actually puts on
better than Tyson does by far.
(Knott: Too quick. I barely had time to knock one
out. I give Natalya one thing though – when Brett
applied the sharpshooter, I never once found myself
wondering if it could be turned into a dominatrix
position). I wasn’t wondering that either, but I am
now. I feel a little disturbed, thanks a lot. The
crowd didn’t really seem into the diva segments at
all. I kind of wondered why we got this match as
Laycool didn’t even feature in it, and there was no
aftermath. Felt like a waste of a card spot.
Jeff Knott Commercial Thought: A third earthquake
has hit the South Island of New Zealand.
Earthquake, who squashed a snake three times,
recently passed away.
There was a Johnny
Knoxville segment with a giant hand hitting Zack
Ryder in the face and the Bellas and Gail Kim coming
on to him. What I find funny is how it seems every
time Knoxville appears he manages to somehow be even
more retarded and speech impaired than previously,
and yet he keeps making Jackass movies. (Knott: I
didn’t get the giant hand thing, probably because
this movie will never come out in the UK. Would have
been much funnier if it was a giant penis and Hector
Guerrero walked on after someone got hit and shouted
“turkey slapped!”). Odd. I couldn’t stop making
Gobbledy Gookie jokes all night either. I think
people were getting annoyed.
Commercial Thought: Obama wont change Afghanistan
war strategy, despite losing popularity and not
Dixie Carter wont change
booking strategy, despite losing popularity and not
Daniel Bryan, the fucking
US Champion apparently entered during a commercial
break? What’s that bullshit?
Sheamus vs. US Champion Danial Bryan (Non-title
This is a non-match. No mention
made of Bryan’s performance at the PPV last night.
He’s immediately squashed by Sheamus by the ropes
and kneed in the side of the head until he passes
out and the ref calls a DQ. Complete waste of a
match again, right after there being another one.
The crowd was clearly displeased, but didn’t seem to
care for Bryan much anyway. His entrance was pretty
(Knott: Way to
capitalise on your US champion’s big defence last
night. By having him annihilated by someone who did
jack shit else). Complete true. This was a waste of
Daniel Bryan, and just seemed like an excuse to not
have him appear during the later Miz segment, and
also not to take up a vital spot in the Battle Royal
later….that would instead be filled by big names
like Darren Young and Primo…..yeah…
Knott Commercial Thought: The Commonwealth Games got
underway in Delhi. A formerly great institution is
now incapable of attracting the top athletes and is
a shadow of its former self.
Ric Falir continues
to wrestle. A formerly great institution is now
incapable of attracting the top athletes and is a
shadow of his former self.
Edge comes out and
faces the GM, who is Michael Cole reading e-mails.
Cole got booed so bad it wasn’t even funny. He’s got
to be the biggest heel in the company right now.
Edge is the de facto face in a feud with a computer.
Like Tron. Only without the 3D. Or glowing body
suits. He refuses to apologize and says he’ll raise
hell when he becomes champion. The GM announces the
Battle Royal, which confused everyone in attendance
as we were constantly being told new Main Events for
this show over the last several weeks, including a
Smackdown vs. Raw vs. Nexus match. The GM then
reveal Edge has been traded to Smackdown….for who?
Never said, which I can only assume means we didn’t
get anyone, which is bullshit. That’s not a trade,
it’s a gift. And furthermore, this is yet another
big star Raw loses, with nothing gained. Over the
last year we’ve lost Batista, Triple H, Shawn
Michaels, Chris Jericho, and now Edge. We barely
have anyone left.
(Knott: I wish I could destroy
my boss and just get traded to the other side of the
business where I’ll probably have much more chance
to excel. Think I’ll put my bosses head through a
window tomorrow and see how it goes. Wish me luck!).
Yeah, good luck with that. It proved pretty
successful for Randy Orton.
Michael Cole and
Edge share words with Edge basically saying exactly
what is on everyone’s mind about how dumb this GM
angle has gotten. He also says what is on everyone’s
minds about Cole. I didn’t know the GM stand has a
tiny little foot ladder for Cole’s short ass.
Hilarious. Miz comes out to tells Edge to lay off
Cole because they are best butt buddies. Of course,
Alex Riley gets speared and Miz cowers until
afterward in order to deliver a Skull-crushing
Finale on Edge.
Elsewhere, Cena tells Mathews
that he can’t leave the WWE when he sees
McGillicutty or however you spell it and Husky
Harris. He chases after them only to be lead into
the Nexus locker room. Which is kind of creepy
because all of Nexus is just standing there with
their shirts off like they were waiting to gang rape
the first person that runs in there. Wade says he
has to discuss Cena’s future.
Commercial Thought: Pakistani rebels attack
helpless, NATO supply trucks. NATO supplies
inadequate and largely useless protection.
attacks Evan Bourne. Bourne uses Mark Henry as
The Bella Twins come out as I
complain loudly and profusely my displeasure at
there being two women’s matches in a show not being
run by TNA. Laycool come out…wearing microphones
that are way too loud and talk through their whole
match, OH DEAR GOD. (Knott: Microphones? Seriously?
There’s a reason this has never been done before.
New does not always equal better. I should know.
Just the other day I wondered why no one has ever
thought to shave their nuts with a weed whacker.
Knott a true story). Could have lived without that
The Bella Twins vs. Co-Diva’s
works the whole match with one of the twins whom I
never determined which it was. Eventually, Layla has
to break up a pin and starts talking to the audience
with her back turned after she super kicks the
Bella. The Bella switch out and a small package
secure the victory for the Bella one Michelle.
They FINALLY turned the
microphones off a little bit after the match as I
the entire crowd wanted to know why we were just
subjected to that with absolutely no warning. What
happened to the Natalya feud? Didn’t she win the
match at the PPV? Shouldn’t that still be going?
In the back, Knoxxville is being come onto by Maryse
(YEAH RIGHT, HAHAHA) when Dibiase comes in. They
both think he’s the one who was sending the
messages. Maryse because she is hot and Dibaise
because he’s a prime candidate to be on Jackass
(joke too easy…). Dibiase gets hit by the giant
hand, and no I don’t think anyone gets why that is
funny, but the crowd laughed. I assume because most
of the people from here have sex with their cousins
(don’t knock it til you try it!).
Commercial Thought: Brazilian election fails to
deliver a decisive outcome and there will be a
second round of voting.
Kane/Undertaker fails to
deliver a decisive outcome and the two will keep
fighting until Undertaker wins. Just because.
They force us to watch two Jackass commercials
and Johnny finally comes out to do a short bit as he
is running from Dibiase. Dibiase arrives before he
makes it out and I was begging them to just beat
Johnny up, because I hate that guy. Afterward, the
message appears on the screen and to no one’s
surprise Goldust slides out from under the ring to
deliver the curtain call to Dibiase. He then reveals
he doesn’t want either of them, but the belt and
proceeds to hump it around the ring. Jeff Knott
pretty much sums up why this is a bad idea here:
“Ok, this just plain annoyed me. The million dollar
belt was introduced to give midcarders something to
feud over. It was used in the same way as the King
of the Ring crown because WWF at the time had few
titles (contrast 80s NWA) and needed something to
make feuds more meaningful. The same problem they
had then with Ted Sr applies now. The belt makes no
sense if its not part of a feud involving Dibiase,
can never use it properly. How will it
make sense for Goldust to have the belt? You already
have too many belts, which you recognized by
starting this whole unification thing. Why create
another one? If you want to give Dustin a nice
reward before he becomes a full time agent, give him
a short Intercontinental title run, not this shit.
Rant over.” To continue on that, who cares about
Jeff Knott Commercial
Thought: Ed Miliband is elected new Labour leader in
the UK, despite being almost unknown, simply because
people don’t like his older brother.
gets a push, despite being almost in jail, simply
because people don’t like his older brother.
Otunga has a heart to heart with Cena about their
orders to make sure Wade wins the Battle Royal
later. It’s a little creepy and definitely as gay
looking as possible. (Knott: Yes John, confide in
Otunga, he looks trustworthy and not at all rapey).
The story here is that Otunga has been “put on
blast” by Barrett twice already tonight, once for
almost getting him disqualified in the match with
Cena on Sunday, and once for suggesting that Wade
might be eliminated in the Battle Royal, thus one of
them should get a title shot in that case (oh no,
not logic!). Wade, being British, didn’t like the
idea of any of his subordinates actually
accomplishing something on their own. Otunga tells
Cena they can talk any time. Gay.
Commercial Thought: Europe beats America to regain
William Regal will kick all the WWE’s
asses because he can.
They start bringing
people out for the Battle Royal. It’s kind of weird
to see how small the ring is in real life. I didn’t
have the heart to tell the guy beside me that it is
always that small, and he’s an idiot for thinking we
got gypped on ring size. (Knott: Cole said Sheamus
failed to retain last night. Cole is a twat. If he’s
a Cole miner, why can’t he be trapped several
kilometers underground?) I’m all for that. There was
a definite disconnect in some of the entrants here
that really showed off that Nexus is pretty much
half of the current Raw Roster of legitimate
competitors now. This horrifies me.
20 Man Battle Royal
Personally? I was chanting Santino to go all the
way. The mark in me wanted Morrison to win. Everyone
knew better. The crowd was really subdued during
this, knowing how it had to end, but booing whenever
Cena would save Barrett (Knott: Cena isn’t just
protecting Barrett, he seems to be physically
backing on to him. Don’t quit John, even when you
have an English bare knuckle boxing champion riding
your bare back). This seemed to drag on for quite a
while. Whenever Cena was “about to be eliminated”
AKA being held in the ring by an opponent, the kid
behind me would start screaming in an ear-piecing
tone “NOOOO, John, NOOOO!” Making me want to kill
the child and run away to Mexico. Cena chucks Otunga
at one point, presumably for his betrayal or
something, I didn’t see it. I was focusing on other
parts of the ring. Barrett gets pissed about it and
they share words while everyone else conveniently
leaves them alone to talk.
Morrison starts eliminating everybody who didn’t go
out early with a few crazy moves. He then does a
flip kick on the apron to Sheamus and falls off
(Knott: Morrison eliminates himself – so much for
that “he’s so amazingly agile jumping shit”. When
you kick someone and fall off the apron yourself in
a battle royal, you’re not amazing or agile – you’re
Everyone kind of looked like
idiots here for not ganging up on Nexus from the
beginning. It comes down to Cena and Barrett. The
crowd flips the fuck out, telling Cena to dump
Barrett. Remember what I said earlier? About how HE
WOULD BE FIRED, if he didn’t take orders? Remember
how everyone didn’t want him to be fired either?
Then how the fuck could he possibly eliminate
Barrett, you goddamn retards?! I chants “Go to TNA”
throughout this whole segment. Eventually Cena takes
a dive and throws the match.
I’m not sure where the broadcast ended, but after
the match, Orton made an appearance to stare Barrett
down and give the predictable RKO to a big pop. They
then had a dark match for the WWE title between
Orton and Sheamus that was so predictable Josh and I
called about the last ten moves of the match before
Highlight of the Night:
Edge tears into Michael Cole. Was just downright
funny, especially when it was mentioned that a
recording of Jim Ross would be better than Cole.
Lowlight of the Night: Daniel Bryan
gets crushed for no reason. Why bury the US Champ
“Creative” Award: Who the fuck okayed the
microphones? They should be shot.
Jeff Knott’s Closing Thought (Still rhymes!):
Well there’s some intrigue there, but the best way
to separate Nexus from the NWO is not to split it
into rival factions. Cena does seem to be going ever
so slightly Stockholm (syndrome – not Ludvig Borga,
he was Finnish) with Barrett.