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By Cameron Burge

This week’s Raw Rant, as you might have guessed, is a little different. I didn’t watch the show on TV as I attended it live instead. That is why you won’t be seeing any of my usual commercial thoughts, and a bit different style to things. It’s also why this is late as I was out all night. Joining me is my LTR Rookie Jeff “I’m Definitely Not a Furry” Knott, who was kind enough to take some notes of the television broadcast.

Raw 10.05.10

Before the show, we got WWE Superstars. Who the fuck is that other guy sitting next to King? He got such a non-reaction that I think he might need to kill himself. Or at least contemplate other career options. Before the show, setting up the ring, I spotted them sneaking Goldust under the ring behind a bunch of other guys, proving my own personal guess as to the ending of the Secret Admirer angle that is probably never going to go anywhere or amount to anything ever.

They made me watch an Ezekiel Jackson match. I didn’t even know that guy still had a job. And why is the man with a homeless beard the face when Primo is way more marketable? William Regal looked nice in his match against Darren Young, who has been repackaged as a face with little to no warning. He got a decently large “Let’s Go Buckwheat” chant a few times. The Uso/Dynasty match was a bit lackluster as you could have called the entire match’s ending blindfolded and just furthered the build up to a possible Dynasty Breakup, which would be completely fucking pointless.

The show opened with enough pyro to nearly blow my goddamn ear drums. The Intrust Arena isn’t very big and I’m surprise nobody died a horrible burning death from all the fireworks. Before I continue, let me explain the crowd. Wichita is a Cena City. There was maybe a handful of people wearing shirts for other wrestlers and a see of orange and purple backs from where I was sitting. The man sitting in front of me seemed ready to kick my ass since I had the AUDACITY to chant “GO HEEL” at Cena throughout most of the opening segments. The fat fuck also stood through most of the show, forcing me to stand in order to see, but he would also raise his arms for minutes on end while standing for no reason. I can only assume he was retarded. Or a member of WWE Creative.

Nexus hit the ring to an absolutely massive amount of heel heat, proving that they were salvageable in that respect at least. Wade gets smarmy and eventually brings out Cena. Cena is forced by Slater to put on a Nexus arm band which got an equal amount of hate from the audience. (Knott: Was that a “Fuck You” chant during Wade’s speech (twice no less)? Good work Cameron on corrupting the local youth in attendance.) Indeed, there was not one, but too fuck you chants, including many middle fingers raised. Later in the night, many signs were censored for language during the Sign of the Night (It was definitely the “My Mom Thinks I’m Studying” sign).

It’s clear to me Heath Slater never took a public speaking course or he might at least be able to annunciate better in his promos. (Knott: Heath Slater looks a bit like an ex-girlfriend when he smiles. That’s not a good thing for anyone.) Michael Tarver complains that Cena better not “lay hands on him” again. I wonder if he thinks that will cure his complete lack of charisma, since Cena is apparently the son of God. Barrett requires Cena to take place in a match to teach Henry and Bourne a lesson. Cena picks Tarver as his partner by getting up in his face and rubbing noses like Eskimos.

Jeff Knott Commercial Thought (Hey it rhymes!): North Korea seems to be moving towards a power shift, with Kim Jong-Il positioning his son to take over control of his totalitarian state.
WWE seems to be moving towards a power shit, with Vince McMahon positioning his son-in-law to take over controls of his totalitarian company.

Michael Tarver & John Cena vs. Evan Bourne & Mark Henry

Cena starts off with Bourne, but Tarver yells at him to get in and do what he does best: Bury young talent. Cena tags in Tarver instead to show him how it’s done. (Knott: Is shouting “ha” Tarver’s signature move? Maybe in the next SvR) I’m pretty sure the next Smackdown vs. Raw is going to make everything but headlocks a finishing maneuver. The story here was Henry and Bourne absolutely destroy Tarver and Cena refuses to tag in, taking a moment to sign autographs at ringside rather than tag him out. Eventually Henry crushes him with the World’s Strongest Slam and that’s all she wrote. No Air Bourne makes me sad.
Winners: Bourne & Henry

After the match, Cena says he plans to destroy Nexus from the inside out, which makes the crowd pop pretty big before he goes to destroying Tarver at ringside. A body slam onto the steps gets a chant for a second one, so he follows suit. After an STF in the middle of the ring, the GM gets the third biggest heel pop of the night (second went to Michael Cole himself) by interrupting things. Cena is informed that if he refuses to take orders from Barrett as a member of Nexus, he will be fired (Knott: Utterly hilarious watching small children on the verge of tears over the chance Cena could get “fired”. Someone should really stop these kids sniffing glue, get them an edukashun and tell them to harden the fuck up). The child behind me screamed “NOOOOO” Darth Vader style at this news and my friend and I tried very hard to laugh at him too much. Keep this in mind for later though. The crowd DOESN’T want Cena to get fired. A man behind me got quote of
the night during Cena’s prolonged promo with: “Come on, John we only got a two hour program!”

Jeff Knott Commercial Thought: Chilean miners are trapped underground having been completely buried by a rockfall.
Rob Van Dam and Jeff Hardy are trapped in TNA having been completely buried by HHH.

After running not one but TWO Wrestlemania DVD commercials, we come back to Natalya who I’ve been getting behind in the Diva’s division as a pretty solid performer. Then Alicia Fox came out. FUUUUUUUUUUCK.

Alicia Fox vs. Natalya

I thank Thor who is smiling down on us all right now, that this match was so mercifully short and I didn’t have to see Alicia Fox almost kill another Diva with her scissor kick. Maybe they finally learned their lesson about that. Natalya puts this one away quick with the sharpshooter that she actually puts on better than Tyson does by far.
Winner: Natalya

(Knott: Too quick. I barely had time to knock one out. I give Natalya one thing though – when Brett applied the sharpshooter, I never once found myself wondering if it could be turned into a dominatrix position). I wasn’t wondering that either, but I am now. I feel a little disturbed, thanks a lot. The crowd didn’t really seem into the diva segments at all. I kind of wondered why we got this match as Laycool didn’t even feature in it, and there was no aftermath. Felt like a waste of a card spot.

Jeff Knott Commercial Thought: A third earthquake has hit the South Island of New Zealand.
Earthquake, who squashed a snake three times, recently passed away.

There was a Johnny Knoxville segment with a giant hand hitting Zack Ryder in the face and the Bellas and Gail Kim coming on to him. What I find funny is how it seems every time Knoxville appears he manages to somehow be even more retarded and speech impaired than previously, and yet he keeps making Jackass movies. (Knott: I didn’t get the giant hand thing, probably because this movie will never come out in the UK. Would have been much funnier if it was a giant penis and Hector Guerrero walked on after someone got hit and shouted “turkey slapped!”). Odd. I couldn’t stop making Gobbledy Gookie jokes all night either. I think people were getting annoyed.

Jeff Knott Commercial Thought: Obama wont change Afghanistan war strategy, despite losing popularity and not achieving results.
Dixie Carter wont change booking strategy, despite losing popularity and not achieving results.

Daniel Bryan, the fucking US Champion apparently entered during a commercial break? What’s that bullshit?

Sheamus vs. US Champion Danial Bryan (Non-title Match)

This is a non-match. No mention made of Bryan’s performance at the PPV last night. He’s immediately squashed by Sheamus by the ropes and kneed in the side of the head until he passes out and the ref calls a DQ. Complete waste of a match again, right after there being another one. The crowd was clearly displeased, but didn’t seem to care for Bryan much anyway. His entrance was pretty subdued.
Winner: Bryan

(Knott: Way to capitalise on your US champion’s big defence last night. By having him annihilated by someone who did jack shit else). Complete true. This was a waste of Daniel Bryan, and just seemed like an excuse to not have him appear during the later Miz segment, and also not to take up a vital spot in the Battle Royal later….that would instead be filled by big names like Darren Young and Primo…..yeah…

Jeff Knott Commercial Thought: The Commonwealth Games got underway in Delhi. A formerly great institution is now incapable of attracting the top athletes and is a shadow of its former self.
Ric Falir continues to wrestle. A formerly great institution is now incapable of attracting the top athletes and is a shadow of his former self.

Edge comes out and faces the GM, who is Michael Cole reading e-mails. Cole got booed so bad it wasn’t even funny. He’s got to be the biggest heel in the company right now. Edge is the de facto face in a feud with a computer. Like Tron. Only without the 3D. Or glowing body suits. He refuses to apologize and says he’ll raise hell when he becomes champion. The GM announces the Battle Royal, which confused everyone in attendance as we were constantly being told new Main Events for this show over the last several weeks, including a Smackdown vs. Raw vs. Nexus match. The GM then reveal Edge has been traded to Smackdown….for who? Never said, which I can only assume means we didn’t get anyone, which is bullshit. That’s not a trade, it’s a gift. And furthermore, this is yet another big star Raw loses, with nothing gained. Over the last year we’ve lost Batista, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, Chris Jericho, and now Edge. We barely have anyone left.
(Knott: I wish I could destroy my boss and just get traded to the other side of the business where I’ll probably have much more chance to excel. Think I’ll put my bosses head through a window tomorrow and see how it goes. Wish me luck!). Yeah, good luck with that. It proved pretty successful for Randy Orton.

Michael Cole and Edge share words with Edge basically saying exactly what is on everyone’s mind about how dumb this GM angle has gotten. He also says what is on everyone’s minds about Cole. I didn’t know the GM stand has a tiny little foot ladder for Cole’s short ass. Hilarious. Miz comes out to tells Edge to lay off Cole because they are best butt buddies. Of course, Alex Riley gets speared and Miz cowers until afterward in order to deliver a Skull-crushing Finale on Edge.

Elsewhere, Cena tells Mathews that he can’t leave the WWE when he sees McGillicutty or however you spell it and Husky Harris. He chases after them only to be lead into the Nexus locker room. Which is kind of creepy because all of Nexus is just standing there with their shirts off like they were waiting to gang rape the first person that runs in there. Wade says he has to discuss Cena’s future.

Jeff Knott Commercial Thought: Pakistani rebels attack helpless, NATO supply trucks. NATO supplies inadequate and largely useless protection.
Nexus attacks Evan Bourne. Bourne uses Mark Henry as protection.

The Bella Twins come out as I complain loudly and profusely my displeasure at there being two women’s matches in a show not being run by TNA. Laycool come out…wearing microphones that are way too loud and talk through their whole match, OH DEAR GOD. (Knott: Microphones? Seriously? There’s a reason this has never been done before. New does not always equal better. I should know. Just the other day I wondered why no one has ever thought to shave their nuts with a weed whacker. Knott a true story). Could have lived without that last part.

The Bella Twins vs. Co-Diva’s Champions Laycool

Michelle works the whole match with one of the twins whom I never determined which it was. Eventually, Layla has to break up a pin and starts talking to the audience with her back turned after she super kicks the Bella. The Bella switch out and a small package secure the victory for the Bella one Michelle.
Winners: Bellas

They FINALLY turned the microphones off a little bit after the match as I the entire crowd wanted to know why we were just subjected to that with absolutely no warning. What happened to the Natalya feud? Didn’t she win the match at the PPV? Shouldn’t that still be going?

In the back, Knoxxville is being come onto by Maryse (YEAH RIGHT, HAHAHA) when Dibiase comes in. They both think he’s the one who was sending the messages. Maryse because she is hot and Dibaise because he’s a prime candidate to be on Jackass (joke too easy…). Dibiase gets hit by the giant hand, and no I don’t think anyone gets why that is funny, but the crowd laughed. I assume because most of the people from here have sex with their cousins (don’t knock it til you try it!).

Jeff Knott Commercial Thought: Brazilian election fails to deliver a decisive outcome and there will be a second round of voting.
Kane/Undertaker fails to deliver a decisive outcome and the two will keep fighting until Undertaker wins. Just because.

They force us to watch two Jackass commercials and Johnny finally comes out to do a short bit as he is running from Dibiase. Dibiase arrives before he makes it out and I was begging them to just beat Johnny up, because I hate that guy. Afterward, the message appears on the screen and to no one’s surprise Goldust slides out from under the ring to deliver the curtain call to Dibiase. He then reveals he doesn’t want either of them, but the belt and proceeds to hump it around the ring. Jeff Knott pretty much sums up why this is a bad idea here: “Ok, this just plain annoyed me. The million dollar belt was introduced to give midcarders something to feud over. It was used in the same way as the King of the Ring crown because WWF at the time had few titles (contrast 80s NWA) and needed something to make feuds more meaningful. The same problem they had then with Ted Sr applies now. The belt makes no sense if its not part of a feud involving Dibiase, so you
can never use it properly. How will it make sense for Goldust to have the belt? You already have too many belts, which you recognized by starting this whole unification thing. Why create another one? If you want to give Dustin a nice reward before he becomes a full time agent, give him a short Intercontinental title run, not this shit. Rant over.” To continue on that, who cares about Goldust anymore?

Jeff Knott Commercial Thought: Ed Miliband is elected new Labour leader in the UK, despite being almost unknown, simply because people don’t like his older brother.
Jeff Hardy gets a push, despite being almost in jail, simply because people don’t like his older brother.

Otunga has a heart to heart with Cena about their orders to make sure Wade wins the Battle Royal later. It’s a little creepy and definitely as gay looking as possible. (Knott: Yes John, confide in Otunga, he looks trustworthy and not at all rapey). The story here is that Otunga has been “put on blast” by Barrett twice already tonight, once for almost getting him disqualified in the match with Cena on Sunday, and once for suggesting that Wade might be eliminated in the Battle Royal, thus one of them should get a title shot in that case (oh no, not logic!). Wade, being British, didn’t like the idea of any of his subordinates actually accomplishing something on their own. Otunga tells Cena they can talk any time. Gay.

Jeff Knott Commercial Thought: Europe beats America to regain Ryder Cup.
William Regal will kick all the WWE’s asses because he can.

They start bringing people out for the Battle Royal. It’s kind of weird to see how small the ring is in real life. I didn’t have the heart to tell the guy beside me that it is always that small, and he’s an idiot for thinking we got gypped on ring size. (Knott: Cole said Sheamus failed to retain last night. Cole is a twat. If he’s a Cole miner, why can’t he be trapped several kilometers underground?) I’m all for that. There was a definite disconnect in some of the entrants here that really showed off that Nexus is pretty much half of the current Raw Roster of legitimate competitors now. This horrifies me.

20 Man Battle Royal

Personally? I was chanting Santino to go all the way. The mark in me wanted Morrison to win. Everyone knew better. The crowd was really subdued during this, knowing how it had to end, but booing whenever Cena would save Barrett (Knott: Cena isn’t just protecting Barrett, he seems to be physically backing on to him. Don’t quit John, even when you have an English bare knuckle boxing champion riding your bare back). This seemed to drag on for quite a while. Whenever Cena was “about to be eliminated” AKA being held in the ring by an opponent, the kid behind me would start screaming in an ear-piecing tone “NOOOO, John, NOOOO!” Making me want to kill the child and run away to Mexico. Cena chucks Otunga at one point, presumably for his betrayal or something, I didn’t see it. I was focusing on other parts of the ring. Barrett gets pissed about it and they share words while everyone else conveniently leaves them alone to talk.

Eventually, Morrison starts eliminating everybody who didn’t go out early with a few crazy moves. He then does a flip kick on the apron to Sheamus and falls off (Knott: Morrison eliminates himself – so much for that “he’s so amazingly agile jumping shit”. When you kick someone and fall off the apron yourself in a battle royal, you’re not amazing or agile – you’re an idiot.)

Everyone kind of looked like idiots here for not ganging up on Nexus from the beginning. It comes down to Cena and Barrett. The crowd flips the fuck out, telling Cena to dump Barrett. Remember what I said earlier? About how HE WOULD BE FIRED, if he didn’t take orders? Remember how everyone didn’t want him to be fired either? Then how the fuck could he possibly eliminate Barrett, you goddamn retards?! I chants “Go to TNA” throughout this whole segment. Eventually Cena takes a dive and throws the match.
Winner: Barrett

I’m not sure where the broadcast ended, but after the match, Orton made an appearance to stare Barrett down and give the predictable RKO to a big pop. They then had a dark match for the WWE title between Orton and Sheamus that was so predictable Josh and I called about the last ten moves of the match before they happened.

Highlight of the Night: Edge tears into Michael Cole. Was just downright funny, especially when it was mentioned that a recording of Jim Ross would be better than Cole.

Lowlight of the Night: Daniel Bryan gets crushed for no reason. Why bury the US Champ like that?

WWE “Creative” Award: Who the fuck okayed the microphones? They should be shot.

Jeff Knott’s Closing Thought (Still rhymes!): Well there’s some intrigue there, but the best way to separate Nexus from the NWO is not to split it into rival factions. Cena does seem to be going ever so slightly Stockholm (syndrome – not Ludvig Borga, he was Finnish) with Barrett.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).