WWE RAW RANT

by Cameron Burge

October 3, 2011

If you missed Hell in a Cell, then the only thing you need to know is that the WWE title is still a ping pong ball as it returned to Alberto and there wasn’t any more anal bleeding.

Raw 10.03.11

Randy Orton opens the show after an announcement of a retardedly huge tag team main event that will feature almost every other wrestler of note in it. Poor Drew Macintyre is already in the ring.

Randy Orton vs. Drew Macintyre

He gets the shit kicked out of him at ring side much to the dismay of black ref. Orton has to be pulled off of Drew in the corner which allows a running boot from Drew to actually get some offense in. This match has already gone on for ten times as long as I expected as Drew delivers a snap suplex for two. I suddenly notice that Booker is still filling in for Jerry tonight. Orton no sells all of this now and just destroys Drew in the corner with punches and uppercuts until black ref pulls him off again. Orton charges into a double kick for another two for Drew. Drew works an arm bar as big Randy chants ring out only for Orton to eat a neck breaker for yet another two. I haven’t seen Drew made to look this good on Raw in…ever. Drew leaps off the top rope into a double boot to the chin and Orton goes into his moves of doom with the power slam and DDT. Orton ground pounds and finishes with the RKO because Drew is not a high enough level of star to avoid obvious set ups.

Winner: Orton

Cole says the reports of Orton’s demise were greatly exaggerated and somehow delivers that line so awkwardly that you can’t help but know he was just fed it. Henry comes out to stare Orton own from the ring ramp and taunt with the belt. Orton tries to mix it up with Henry and Johnny Ace arrives with security to try and break things up. It takes them almost as long to do this as that match just took.

Random Commercial Thought: Sand dunes have become much less impressie thans to commercials.

Back to the show where we get a video package about Big Show coming back for Henry this week on Smackdown and then Morrison comes out to job to him,

World Heavyweight Champion Mark Henry vs. John Morrison (Non-Title Match)

Morrison dances around and tries to attack Henry from behind but just gets slapped right in the chest and thrown around like a rag doll. Morrison is subsequently scooped for the slam, but he suddenly flips over Henry’s head out of it. Morrison kicks Henry’s legs out and then delivers a shining wizard followed by starship pain for just two when Henry powers out. Henry proceeds to run his ass right the fuck over and slam him for the three.

Winner: Henry

Henry slams him again just for good measure in case you weren’t yet aware of how anti-pushed Morrison has been as of late. Oh God, he’s gonna talk. Henry says he’s done with Orton (as are most people who were getting tired of having him shoved down their throats). He talks about Big Show and invites him to come looking.

Elsewhere, Johnny Ace is talking to Otunga and the heels from the match later tonight backstage. He is talking about the lawsuit and how he needs to talk to Triple H about it while trying really hard not to erupt into demonically evil laughter.

Random Commercial Thought: I guess I have to go see Real Steel.

Alberto Del Rio is here without Ricardo again to join the other heels who all got jobber entrances. Christian looks awkward out there as the only guy wearing a shirt. He is a bit pissed about getting his shit wrecked by Truth and Miz in the aftermath of the Hell in a Cell match. Christian takes his turn to say that Raw is unsafe now thanks to Triple H. Cody is next and all I can think about is how awesome his belt is. Dolph has what is probably a bullshit complaint. He seems kind of tacked into this group that features half the champions in the company right now just to have some gold. Swagger and Vickie follow up. All of the heat is then sucked entirely out of the room as Otunga takes the mic and creates an event horizon of charisma.

Triple H decides to immediately respond to this in person. I’m so glad everything in the WWE is about Triple H now I missed the earlier 2000s. Kill me. He asks what happened to the WWE when it used to be about guys kicking the shit out of each other in the ring. And elderly women giving birth to hands. He says he doesn’t care what they want, he just wants them to shut up and fight. It’s okay though, guys. Miz apologized on Twitter.

Random Commercial Thought: Why put the color of your product in the name? Is it so colorblind people know what color it is?

We return to a replay of Beth finally getting her win over Kelly. This of course unfortunately leads us to a Kelly Kelly match.

Divas of Doom vs. Eve Torres & Kelly Kelly

Why is Beth so happy to have to stupid butterfly belt? Shouldn’t she want the Women’s title back? Kelly gets slammed to the ground and the fight spills outside where Kelly just brutalizes Beth on the announce table with little sissy slaps to the back fo the head somehow. She slams her head into the announce desk several times until she gets the DQ while Eve and Natalya brawl. Eve somehow takes Natalya out off screen with ease and drags Kelly away.

Winners: DoD

You have to be fucking with me. I believe that could happen like a believe a Jack Dempsey could have lost a fight to a toddler. Johnny Ace is in the back talking to Trips and suddenly demands an apology for being knocked down by Trips last night. Johnny asks Trips to request a vote of confidence from the locker room. Trips responds to this like a reasonable boss should…by choking Johnny up by a tie and calling him a stupid asshole. He then demands Johnny show up with everyone else in the ring before shoving him off screen into the same black hole that Mark Henry hrough that one sound guy into.

Random Commercial Thought: Paranormal 3? Fucking really?

Back to the show where…we see a trailer for a movie with the Rock in it. This somehow segues into Jinder Mahal in the ring to cut a promo in his native tongue. He’s interrupted by Santino who has returned from his car accident injury. He replies to him in his own made up language and they argue with one another. I guess they understood that. I kind of like how Jinder played that bit straight.

Jinder Mahal vs. Santino Marella

Jinder beats Santino into a corner, but misses a flying knee press and hits his knee so Santino fires up the cobra and finishes it.

Winner: Santino

Random Commercial Thought: Why is there even a show about the Playboy Club? Does anyone watch it?

Did….did they just play a Brodus Clay trailer? We follow this with footage of the beat down by Truth and Miz on Cena, Alberto and Punk…and everybody else in the ring. I like the pop the guy with the bolt cutters got. If this were the 90s, he would be in a match tonight. Triple H beat them up after they were handcuffed. We then stream a shitty quality version of Miz and Truth’s Youtube video about things. Apparently no one ever taught the WWE you can rip videos from you tube and not just capture the screen like amateurs. It’s basically explaining their lawsuit about being attacked while handcuffed by Triple H and also a lawsuit for wrongful termination. Because it’s wrongful to terminate you when you beat the shit out of your fellow employees at complete random. I should sue all of my former employers then!

Our main event is starting now with CM Punk’s entrance because apparently we are going to make the vote of confidence into the main event for Triple H to be the main focus. Cena joins him as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Tired of Rock movies yet?

Back to the show and the “main event.”

John Cena & CM Punk & Air Boom & Mason Ryan & Sheamus vs. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger & Alberto Del Rio & Christian & Cody Rhodes & David Otunga w/ Vickie Guerrero

Cena starts off with the heels and dominates Rhodes, then Otunga. He invites Dolph in and just taunts him before tagging out to Ryan. Dolph yells at him and delivers Not-tista a bitchslap. Ryan crushes him with a clothesline and knocks Swagger to the floor. H then press slams Dolph over the ropes onto Swagger on the floor. The heels regroup on the floor while the ref seems to not give a shit about a ten count at all and just dicks around. Dolph comes back in and lays into Ryan, but gets caught out of a cross body into a huge power slam from Ryan for two.

Sheamus tags in and continues the assault on Ziggler who dives into a tag to Swagger. Swagger outwrestles Sheamus and starts to beat him into a corner, but Sheamus overpowers him and just beats the shit out of Swagger into the opposite corner before stomping a mudhole. Swagger clips the knee to regain the advantage, but Sheamus just stops him short with the Irish curse for two. Punk enters to a huge pop and scoop slams Swagger before going up top to huge chants. Swagger is dragged away by his partners from the macho elbow to tag out to Rhodes.

Rhodes enters as JR mentions he likes that Rhodes brought back the old belt. Rhodes takes control and stomps into Punk as JR ponders just how long Rhodes needs to heal from a surgery. Punk regains control with a flying clothesline and the Pepsi One. He signals a GTS, but the heels storm the ring to block. Both teams overpower the ref who is trying to hold them all off as we go to commercial. This looks like it’s about to turn into a gay porn rape scene on that poor guy.

Random Commercial Thought: I fear that Paranormal Activity will keep making sequels forever due the fact they cost nothing to make, so they always turn a profit.

We return to Kofi against Rhodes. He tries to springboard into a cross body from the corner, but Cody ducks and delivers a kick to the jaw for two. Del Rio tags in and delivers a big dropkick to the back of the head for two. He decides that was enough effort for the night and tags out to Christian. Kofi tries to rally back, but Christian drops him with a neck breaker for two. Christian continues to work Kofi over while taunting the faces, allowing a distraction for some heel double teaming. The ref decides seeing tags is for pussies as Swagger swaps in. Swagger just beats him up or a bit before trading to Ziggler who works some rest holds. I like the announce team tonight, they are both less annoying and more logical in their analysis of the wrestlers. Rhodes comes in and tosses Kofi to the floor where Swagger clotheslines him. Kofi tosses Rhodes into the ring barricade and tries to climb to safety, but Christian tags in and cuts him off.

Christian provokes Sheamus again for more double teaming by the heels. We get more quick tags by the heels as they stomp away at Kofi. I like how Cena is just plainly standing on the ring apron like a robot waiting for his tag. Kofi gets a surprise hit in on Dolph, but Dolph catches him in mid air to cut off the leap to the tag and drag him back to Fuck-up Otunga. Otunga slams Kofi for two and wisely tags out before anyone realizes he doesn’t know anymore moves. Kofi and Dolph cross body each other at the same time and Kofi makes the tag to Evan.

Evan comes in on Swagger and delivers a big head scissor followed by several high impact kicks. He climbs up top for Air Bourne, but Christian cuts him off. Swagger tries to hip toss him over the ropes, but Bourne lands on his feet and nails the knee to the face followed by Air Bourne. Vickie pulls Swagger’s foot onto the rope to break up the pin and the ref ejects her from ringside in a segment that takes up way too much time. Also, get that woman a fucking bra. Jesus.

Random Commercial Thought: Is Psych now just a TV version of the Breakfast Club?

Evan is now playing Kofi’s part as Ziggler and then Christian work him over. Christian nails his uppercut from the floor for a two count. Christian tags out to Alberto who picks up two off of a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Bourne comes back with a tornado DDT out of the corner to set up the hot tag. Cena gets the inevitable tag on Alberto and wrecks him with the moves of doom. Alberto takes a shuffle, but counters the FU with an arm breaker. Swagger tags in and starts stomping Cena down in the corner while the crowd tallies for Cena. All the heels start stomping at him one at a time. Christian takes some time to choke him out while the dueling Cena chants begin for the first time tonight. Alberto comes in and picks up two.

Alberto continues much of the same that we’ve been seeing with the heels trading in and out quickly. Swagger tags in and crushes Cena with the Swagger Bomb for two of his own. Cena is tossed into another corner for a second splash, but this time he bombs himself. Ziggler tags in, but so does Sheamus who runs his ass over several time and delivers a nice power slam and corner clothesline. Ziggler eats a rising knee as Sheamus climbs up top. Christian tries to interrupt things, but Sheamus casually kicks him off. Del Rio then takes him off but Sheamus kicks out of a Fameasser at one. Sheamus gets speared, Christian takes a top rope assault by Evan who eats CrossRhodes, but then Swagger and Rhodes take out Ryan to the floor. Suffice to say, everyone hit a finisher. Otunga hilariously just does a neck breaker to Punk. It comes down to a Zig Zag on Cena by Ziggler, but he eats the brogue kick from Sheamus for the end.

Winners: Faces

That match was long as shit….but it now occurs to me they plan to have the vote of confidence fill up twenty minutes of time.

Random Commercial Thought: Sometimes, it is better not to think.

Back to the show where they can’t decide which filler theme song to play while they kill time pointlessly talking. All the Divas come out to Beth’s theme right behind her, except Kelly it looks like. Also the refs entered to her theme. The few remaining Smackdown heels come out to that generic Smackdown theme. It’s sad how small that group is. The Raw midcard faces join us next…followed by Lawler? Uh. Okay. He got over the anal bleeding as we, no joke, go to commercial again.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m going to come out and say the anal bleeding actually stopped being funny in the middle of last week’s Raw.

Back to the show where everyone is around the ring now, patiently waiting on Triple H to get his ass out here. Was that a Mark Henry chant?…is that JTG at ringside? He still works here? Triple H makes us wait a little bit before finally making his way out. I notice Black Cara is still around. Maybe they should all ask the Raw GM’s opinion on this. He talks about Miz and Truth, saying he’s upset with them for their inability to accept their punishment. He admits to being old school and likes watching people beat the crap out of each other, because he enjoys chaos and confrontation. He talks a bit more before asking for their opinion. Wade was chosen to be a spokesperson for their grievances.

Wade says they have a very unsafe working environment in an industry that involves punching and being punches regularly. He complains about being attacked by outside individuals in places such as the parking lot. Didn’t he lead a group of outside individuals who attacked people in places like the parking lot just last year? Bad choice, guys. He says Triple H is out of control and causing the chaos. Triple H points out what I just pointed out a line or two ago. Trips points out Wade only has a problem because he isn’t the one causing it. Mike Chioda responds. Holy shit, he has a deep voice. Black ref looks lost. He says they haven’t had to take this much abuse ever before and even after Trips fired the guys who did it, they did it again. Mike drops as many ref names as possible. Trips seems at a loss of words before Beth interrupts him to say they are girls and bad things could happen to them. Umm….DIVAS OF DOOM. He asks her to say one thing that has happened to the divas, which she can’t. King now enters the ring to talk.

King says he disagrees and agrees with some things and says he does believe the show is spiraling out of control. He says they do have a point about the environment becoming hostile. The part he disagrees with is that it is Triple H’s fault. He says it’s a conspiracy just like Punk said, somebody trying to sabotage everything. Totally not Johnny Ace. He says somebody doesn’t want Trips in charge and so long as he remains in charge, things won’t get better. Christian cuts this off and asks for the vote of confidence right now. Christian votes no on behalf of all of his colleagues. The refs agree. Beth also. Sin Cara votes “Mmph mmmf!” Maybe not that last bit. King also votes no confidence and says he’s walking out as well. Alberto and Christian’s team take a hike as well, followed by the random Smackdown midcard and everybody else. Primo was there? Michael Cole even walks off. Oh I’m so sad. Heartbroken. Air Boom, Zack and a few others take a long time to decide, but finally leave as well to be followed out by Booker T and most of the ring crew, including camera guys. This is all amidst Triple H chants. At least Jim Ross is still there. Right, buddy? Noooo! Jiiiiim!

The cheese stands alone. The cheese stands alone. Johnny arrives at the ring entrance to a chorus of boos and You Suck chants so he can shake his head in disdain and leave. Trips just stands in the ring as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: The main event match was rather long, but still pretty good.

Lowlight of the Night: Kelly beats down Beth with absolute ease.

WWE “Creative” Award: Where is this storyline going? It’s really starting to get monotonous since it detracts so much from the matches.

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.