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By Cameron Burge

Oh there you are. Hold on I’m not finished yet…*puts away lotion* Right! So where was I? Oh right, Raw. Hey, welcome back. Tonight’s show is hosted by Al Sharpton because someone up there really hates me I’m sure now. I just can’t explain it any other way.

Raw 09.28.09

The show opens with theme but minus our pyro as we go to the VIP lounge for MVP and Mark Henry in matching leotards. Nope, doesn’t look gay at all. They go to invite Al Sharpton out but Big Show and Jericho interrupt him before he can. They would definitely make for better hosts though. Jericho sucks Al Sharpton’s dick as being the most prominent civil rights leader of all time. MVP sucks his dick some too. Um, you do all remember Rev. Sharpton is a complete retard right? Anyway, Al Sharpton, impersonating Morgan Freeman and entering to the same song as Apollo Creed. What a douche. Anyway they talk about some crap nobody cares about. So here’s a kitten.


AHG! Anyway, Jericho turns down another challenge for the tag team titles and goes on some weird philosophical speech saying that people don’t deserve to be in their presence or something. Sharpton makes the match anyway because he can.

Random Commercial Thought: Next up, Orange Collar. Part of the Blackest Collar crossover event.

Back to the show where the match is in progress.

Unified Tag Team Champions Big Show & Chris Jericho vs. MVP & Mark Henry (Tag Team Title Match)

Jericho is getting worked over by MVP who covers for a quick two count before tagging out to Mark Henry. Henry crushed Jericho with a boot on the ground before power slamming. Jericho ducks under a clothesline and makes the dive to Big Show. Henry catches Big Show in mid air when he leap for some reason and slams Show to the corner. MVP retardedly tags in and starts clothes lining at Big Show to no effect. He delivers a face buster before getting clotheslined flat. Jericho and show proceed to take turns typically choking and stepping on MVP. You know, like Black People SHOULD be treated. Heyoooo! Jericho eventually comes in and taunts over MVP some before completely bombing a lionsault.

Henry knocks Jericho down and sends Big Show to the floor. Henry bench presses Jericho and tosses him to the floor but Show makes the save with a catch. And now we’re playing baseball.

Random Commercial Thought: Werewolves have sucked since the 1980s, do we really care at this point? They aren’t even boss monsters in Castlevania anymore.

Back to the show where Jericho is still getting destroyed by Henry. Big Show somehow makes the blind tag and Big Show crushes Henry with a spear. Show drops a leg drop and a big splash for a two count. If he was Ultimate Warrior that would have worked. Henry is attacked from behind in the corner by Jericho while Big Show distracts the ref before catching Henry with a clothesline for two. Big Show works the arm now while Cole claims that Henry has gotten in Big Show’s head. Nobody that fat could ever get inside a bathroom stall, let alone someone’s head. Henry tries to fight out of the arm bar but Show grounds him with head butts for two.

Jericho makes the tag and cheap shots MVP. Jericho tries to put a sleeper on Henry but he’s too small and it just ends up looking stupid but somehow actually works. Uh? Henry finally just stands up and crushes Jericho in the corner before knocking him back down. Jericho gets back up and kicks Henry into the corner before Big Show makes his way back in. They clothesline each other and Big Show is COMPLETELY ANNIHILATED by this one move that hit him for no reason.

Jericho and MVP are in now as MVP wrecks Jericho. He misses his big boot but Jericho gets faked out and runs into a second one for two. I can’t tell if that was fucked up on purpose or not. MVP hit’s a flying clothesline before nailing Ballin’ for two. MVP sets up the Playmaker but Big Show clocks him from behind and gets sent to the floor by a shoulder block from Henry. Jericho dropkicks Henry to the floor but MVP rolls him up for two. Jericho tries a hip toss and MVP counters with a DDT for another two. MVP bounces off the ropes but gets hit by Big Show from behind and sent right into the Code Breaker for three.
Winners: Jericho and Big Show

Random Commercial Thought: All lizards are Nigerian.

Back to the show where Sharpton is talking to Primo in the back when Hornswoggle, Chavo, Masters and Santino interrupt him to do one of their little skits. He kicks them all out to make that entirely pointless. Oh yay. Also Orton is angry. That’s about it. He’s always angry.

Random Commercial Thought: It was funny to hear that gravelly voiced Raw Voice talk about education reform.

Back to the show for Divas. Why can’t they just call them women? What the hell is wrong with that? Why even bother to use a term that doesn’t even have a positive connotation to it?

Rosa Mendez vs. Diva’s Champion Mickie James (Non-title Match)

Rosa starts off with a head scissors (not the south park kind of scissoring).  Mickie comes back for a second but Rosa works her back over and starts shoulder ramming her back in the corner. Mickie fights out with some elbows before  delivering a head scissors and some clotheslines. This match is so slow as it seems either Mickie is off or Rosa is just too slow to react correctly fast enough. Rosa tries to get Mickie on the apron and gouge the eye but Mickie pulls her hair and dodges Rosa, causing her to knock Alicia off. Mickie delivers a Mick Kick for the three.
Winner: Mickie

Legacy are on their way to the ring as we head off to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Stepfathers do not make good movies. Ever.

Back to the show where we find the Hell in a Cell theme is from the album Awake which sounds like it sucks as much as the movie Awake did. “They’re cutting me! Nononononononono!” Legacy head out. The following several minutes are a Legacy promo. So instead I give you another kitten.


Ah God what the fuck is that thing! My mind will never be the same. DX eventually interrupts to say their speech is boring. Triple H tries to talk about The Hulk as having Bob Barker as an alter ego, Shawn correcting him angrily. I’m not sure what this had to do with anything. Are they the Incredible Hulk? I thought he was Thor! DX decide to throw down and make their way through the crowd to the ring because they don’t want to wait. Legacy decides to run like women and get shit talked as we go to commercial. The excitement!

Random Commercial Thought: Don’t blink!

Back to the show where Evan Bourne is here to take on Jack Swagger who is pimping around the US Title. For some reason he brought it with him, which if the last two weeks have taught him anything means somebody is going to gank it before the match is over.

Evan Bourne vs. Jack Swagger

Bourne is cut off with a back breaker really early on before Swagger starts busting his knee into the mat and working a nice submission on the knee. Ahg, it bends in some freaky ways for a person there. Bourne makes the rope and gets kicked to the floor. Bourne kicks out of a cover back in the ring at two before hitting a wheel kick. Bourne dropkicks and delivers a clothesline for a one count. Swagger goes for the Gutwrench but Bourne escapes to the top rope for a flying knee thrust to the face for two. Bourne climbs up top but has to jump over Swagger. He hit’s a head scissors but Swagger rolls through and hoists Bourne into a power bomb for three.
Winner: Swagger

After the match Swagger talks about how awesome he is and speaking of Awesome, the Miz decides to reassert his own awesomeness. He gets up in swagger’s face and they start to brawl. Hilariously the announcers sound just as non-plussed about this as the crowd. They could just as easily have just seen a public address by Ben Stein to hear this reaction. Also, Kofi sneaks in to swipe his belt back as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: OH GOD THE BEES.

Back to the show where we got another Chavo/Hornswoggle match. Why…why….

Chavo Guerrero & Chris Masters vs. Santino Morella & Hornswoggle

Chavo starts off with Santino who looks like a total tool for the moment. Chavo just gets fed up with him and tags in Masters who proceeds to annihilate him. Chavo makes the tag back in and chokes Santino out on the ropes. He should tag in Hornswoggle who can’t be defeated by Chavo and Masters could never get the Masterlock in on his disproportioned little form. Santino pumps up and does some weird ass combo on Chavo before poking the eyes. Santino does the splits to duck a clothesline before Masters is in with the Masterlock. Santino tries to breaks the hold with a big bellow…and passes right out. That was kinda funny. I give him that one.
Winners: Chavo and Master

Chavo drags Horny in while Chavo nods like a pervy uncle.  Masters actually somehow gets his hold on before Chavo comes in and knocks Masters out.  He then runs with his conflicted feeling…you can’t catch me gay thoughts!

Random Commercial Thought: Mexican food too often look pre-eaten.

Back to the show. Next week’s host is a football player I’ve never heard of because I couldn’t give less of a shit. The announcers are running down the card for the PPV in the ring and talking about the cage but at least it isn’t Satan’s playground. In the back, Al Sharpton tries to say goodbye early and get the hell out of this place but women keep interrupting him before he can. The Bella twins make him sing I Feel Good and dance a little. Why did I have to see that? Did I murder someone in a past life?

Random Commercial Thought: I think when they decided to release and AstroBoy movie around Halloween they misunderstood the concept of trying to scare us during this season.

Back to the show. We get a preview for a Chevy Chase show no one will ever watch. Ever. And now Cena is out for his Gauntlet match which unfortunately does not involve the competitors putting on big heavy metal gloves.

Chris Jericho vs. WWE Champion John Cena (Match 1)

Cena wrestles Jericho down to the floor with a headlock and they just kind of sloppily roll around in what was supposed to be chain wrestling I think. Cena hit’s a drop toe hold and goes for an STF but Jericho escapes and floor him  with a clothesline. Jericho chokes Cena out on the ropes and delivers a reverse elbow before thinking to himself, yeah that will totally get a pin, and he gets a one count. Sleeper hold from Jericho. Works about as well as it did last time tonight. Cena scoops into an FU but Jericho rolls through into some mounted punches and slams Cena about. He monkey flips Cena’s neck into the bottom rope.

Cena escapes into his general offense, hitting the protobomb and Five Knuckle Shuffle but Cena’s FU follow up is countered into the Walls. Cena makes the ropes and Jericho refuses to release the walls, continuing to work Cena over for a while.
Winner: Cena

Jericho still won’t break the hold. He continues to refuse to break the hold until right before Show is about to start his match.

Big Show vs. WWE Champion John Cena (Match 2)

Big Show chokes Cena in the corner before pummeling him around as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Man, give me some new commercials people! The same ones all night? Christ.

Back to the show where Big Show is beating Cena’s ass all over the place. He forces Cena into the corner, crushing his back with shoulder rams. Cena flops around like a rag doll before Big Show scoops him up for a choke slam but Cena counters it into a DDT awkwardly. Both stumble to their feet but Cena scoops Big Show up for the FU so Jericho runs in and takes him out from behind.
Winner: Cena

Jericho and Show double team him for a second, leaving Cena hanging from a rope as Orton arrives for his match. Cena invites him into the ring like an idiot.

Randy Orton vs. WWE Champion John Cena (Match 3)

Cena points to the sky as Orton approaches and the Cell lowers from the ceiling. Orton gets distracted by it coming down and Cena tackles him to hold Orton down as it lowers. Orton kicks Cena off but is just short of making it out under the cages. The door is still open on the other side of the ring so Orton tries to casually sneak on by to the door. He makes a break for it but is cut off. Cena blocks a punch and beats Orton out of the cage Cena goes for an FU and Orton escapes by scaling the cage to the top. They face off on top of the cage before the ghost of Owen Hart swings by and knocks them both off.

That’s how I would have written it.

Cena counters a few punches and delivers the FU to Orton on top of the Cell as the show goes off the air. Sure, no match ending, who needs one of those.

Highlight of the Night: Jack Swagger’s impressive head scissors roll through into a power bomb.

Lowlight of the Night: Rosa Mendez and Mickie James put on one of the most forgettable matches ever.

WWE “Creative” Award: Feel the drama of Hornswoggle/Chavo on the next Days of Our Lives

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).