Oh there you are.
Hold on I’m not finished yet…*puts away lotion*
Right! So where was I? Oh right, Raw. Hey, welcome
back. Tonight’s show is hosted by Al Sharpton
because someone up there really hates me I’m sure
now. I just can’t explain it any other way.
The show opens with
theme but minus our pyro as we go to the VIP lounge
for MVP and Mark Henry in matching leotards. Nope,
doesn’t look gay at all. They go to invite Al
Sharpton out but Big Show and Jericho interrupt him
before he can. They would definitely make for better
hosts though. Jericho sucks Al Sharpton’s dick as
being the most prominent civil rights leader of all
time. MVP sucks his dick some too. Um, you do all
remember Rev. Sharpton is a complete retard right?
Anyway, Al Sharpton, impersonating Morgan Freeman
and entering to the same song as Apollo Creed. What
a douche. Anyway they talk about some crap nobody
cares about. So here’s a kitten.
AHG! Anyway, Jericho
turns down another challenge for the tag team titles
and goes on some weird philosophical speech saying
that people don’t deserve to be in their presence or
something. Sharpton makes the match anyway because
Random Commercial Thought: Next up,
Orange Collar. Part of the Blackest Collar crossover
Back to the show where the match is in
Tag Team Champions Big Show & Chris Jericho vs. MVP
& Mark Henry (Tag Team Title Match)
Jericho is getting worked over by MVP who covers for
a quick two count before tagging out to Mark Henry.
Henry crushed Jericho with a boot on the ground
before power slamming. Jericho ducks under a
clothesline and makes the dive to Big Show. Henry
catches Big Show in mid air when he leap for some
reason and slams Show to the corner. MVP retardedly
tags in and starts clothes lining at Big Show to no
effect. He delivers a face buster before getting
clotheslined flat. Jericho and show proceed to take
turns typically choking and stepping on MVP. You
know, like Black People SHOULD be treated. Heyoooo!
Jericho eventually comes in and taunts over MVP some
before completely bombing a lionsault.
knocks Jericho down and sends Big Show to the floor.
Henry bench presses Jericho and tosses him to the
floor but Show makes the save with a catch. And now
we’re playing baseball.
Thought: Werewolves have sucked since the 1980s, do
we really care at this point? They aren’t even boss
monsters in Castlevania anymore.
Back to the
show where Jericho is still getting destroyed by
Henry. Big Show somehow makes the blind tag and Big
Show crushes Henry with a spear. Show drops a leg
drop and a big splash for a two count. If he was
Ultimate Warrior that would have worked. Henry is
attacked from behind in the corner by Jericho while
Big Show distracts the ref before catching Henry
with a clothesline for two. Big Show works the arm
now while Cole claims that Henry has gotten in Big
Show’s head. Nobody that fat could ever get inside a
bathroom stall, let alone someone’s head. Henry
tries to fight out of the arm bar but Show grounds
him with head butts for two.
the tag and cheap shots MVP. Jericho tries to put a
sleeper on Henry but he’s too small and it just ends
up looking stupid but somehow actually works. Uh?
Henry finally just stands up and crushes Jericho in
the corner before knocking him back down. Jericho
gets back up and kicks Henry into the corner before
Big Show makes his way back in. They clothesline
each other and Big Show is COMPLETELY ANNIHILATED by
this one move that hit him for no reason.
Jericho and MVP are in now as MVP wrecks Jericho. He
misses his big boot but Jericho gets faked out and
runs into a second one for two. I can’t tell if that
was fucked up on purpose or not. MVP hit’s a flying
clothesline before nailing Ballin’ for two. MVP sets
up the Playmaker but Big Show clocks him from behind
and gets sent to the floor by a shoulder block from
Henry. Jericho dropkicks Henry to the floor but MVP
rolls him up for two. Jericho tries a hip toss and
MVP counters with a DDT for another two. MVP bounces
off the ropes but gets hit by Big Show from behind
and sent right into the Code Breaker for three.
Winners: Jericho and Big Show
Commercial Thought: All lizards are Nigerian.
Back to the show where Sharpton is talking to Primo
in the back when Hornswoggle, Chavo, Masters and
Santino interrupt him to do one of their little
skits. He kicks them all out to make that entirely
pointless. Oh yay. Also Orton is angry. That’s about
it. He’s always angry.
Thought: It was funny to hear that gravelly voiced
Raw Voice talk about education reform.
to the show for Divas. Why can’t they just call them
women? What the hell is wrong with that? Why even
bother to use a term that doesn’t even have a
positive connotation to it?
Rosa Mendez vs. Diva’s Champion
Mickie James (Non-title Match)
starts off with a head scissors (not the south park
kind of scissoring). Mickie comes back for a
second but Rosa works her back over and starts
shoulder ramming her back in the corner. Mickie
fights out with some elbows before delivering
a head scissors and some clotheslines. This match is
so slow as it seems either Mickie is off or Rosa is
just too slow to react correctly fast enough. Rosa
tries to get Mickie on the apron and gouge the eye
but Mickie pulls her hair and dodges Rosa, causing
her to knock Alicia off. Mickie delivers a Mick Kick
for the three.
on their way to the ring as we head off to
Random Commercial Thought:
Stepfathers do not make good movies. Ever.
Back to the show where we find the Hell in a Cell
theme is from the album Awake which sounds like it
sucks as much as the movie Awake did. “They’re
cutting me! Nononononononono!” Legacy head out. The
following several minutes are a Legacy promo. So
instead I give you another kitten.
Ah God what the fuck
is that thing! My mind will never be the same. DX
eventually interrupts to say their speech is boring.
Triple H tries to talk about The Hulk as having Bob
Barker as an alter ego, Shawn correcting him
angrily. I’m not sure what this had to do with
anything. Are they the Incredible Hulk? I thought he
was Thor! DX decide to throw down and make their way
through the crowd to the ring because they don’t
want to wait. Legacy decides to run like women and
get shit talked as we go to commercial. The
Random Commercial Thought: Don’t
Back to the show where Evan Bourne is
here to take on Jack Swagger who is pimping around
the US Title. For some reason he brought it with
him, which if the last two weeks have taught him
anything means somebody is going to gank it before
the match is over.
Evan Bourne vs. Jack Swagger
cut off with a back breaker really early on before
Swagger starts busting his knee into the mat and
working a nice submission on the knee. Ahg, it bends
in some freaky ways for a person there. Bourne makes
the rope and gets kicked to the floor. Bourne kicks
out of a cover back in the ring at two before
hitting a wheel kick. Bourne dropkicks and delivers
a clothesline for a one count. Swagger goes for the
Gutwrench but Bourne escapes to the top rope for a
flying knee thrust to the face for two. Bourne
climbs up top but has to jump over Swagger. He hit’s
a head scissors but Swagger rolls through and hoists
Bourne into a power bomb for three.
After the match Swagger talks about
how awesome he is and speaking of Awesome, the Miz
decides to reassert his own awesomeness. He gets up
in swagger’s face and they start to brawl.
Hilariously the announcers sound just as non-plussed
about this as the crowd. They could just as easily
have just seen a public address by Ben Stein to hear
this reaction. Also, Kofi sneaks in to swipe his
belt back as we go to commercial.
Commercial Thought: OH GOD THE BEES.
the show where we got another Chavo/Hornswoggle
Chavo Guerrero & Chris Masters vs.
Santino Morella & Hornswoggle
Chavo starts off with Santino who looks like a
total tool for the moment. Chavo just gets fed up
with him and tags in Masters who proceeds to
annihilate him. Chavo makes the tag back in and
chokes Santino out on the ropes. He should tag in
Hornswoggle who can’t be defeated by Chavo and
Masters could never get the Masterlock in on his
disproportioned little form. Santino pumps up and
does some weird ass combo on Chavo before poking the
eyes. Santino does the splits to duck a clothesline
before Masters is in with the Masterlock. Santino
tries to breaks the hold with a big bellow…and
passes right out. That was kinda funny. I give him
Winners: Chavo and Master
drags Horny in while Chavo nods like a pervy uncle.
Masters actually somehow gets his hold on before
Chavo comes in and knocks Masters out. He then
runs with his conflicted feeling…you can’t catch me
Random Commercial Thought:
Mexican food too often look pre-eaten.
to the show. Next week’s host is a football player
I’ve never heard of because I couldn’t give less of
a shit. The announcers are running down the card for
the PPV in the ring and talking about the cage but
at least it isn’t Satan’s playground. In the back,
Al Sharpton tries to say goodbye early and get the
hell out of this place but women keep interrupting
him before he can. The Bella twins make him sing I
Feel Good and dance a little. Why did I have to see
that? Did I murder someone in a past life?
Random Commercial Thought: I think when they decided
to release and AstroBoy movie around Halloween they
misunderstood the concept of trying to scare us
during this season.
Back to the show. We get
a preview for a Chevy Chase show no one will ever
watch. Ever. And now Cena is out for his Gauntlet
match which unfortunately does not involve the
competitors putting on big heavy metal gloves.
Chris Jericho vs. WWE Champion John
Cena (Match 1)
Cena wrestles Jericho
down to the floor with a headlock and they just kind
of sloppily roll around in what was supposed to be
chain wrestling I think. Cena hit’s a drop toe hold
and goes for an STF but Jericho escapes and floor
him with a clothesline. Jericho chokes Cena
out on the ropes and delivers a reverse elbow before
thinking to himself, yeah that will totally get a
pin, and he gets a one count. Sleeper hold from
Jericho. Works about as well as it did last time
tonight. Cena scoops into an FU but Jericho rolls
through into some mounted punches and slams Cena
about. He monkey flips Cena’s neck into the bottom
Cena escapes into his general offense,
hitting the protobomb and Five Knuckle Shuffle but
Cena’s FU follow up is countered into the Walls.
Cena makes the ropes and Jericho refuses to release
the walls, continuing to work Cena over for a while.
Jericho still won’t break the
hold. He continues to refuse to break the hold until
right before Show is about to start his match.
Big Show vs. WWE Champion John Cena (Match 2)
Big Show chokes Cena in the corner before pummeling
him around as we go to commercial.
Commercial Thought: Man, give me some new
commercials people! The same ones all night? Christ.
Back to the show where Big Show is beating Cena’s
ass all over the place. He forces Cena into the
corner, crushing his back with shoulder rams. Cena
flops around like a rag doll before Big Show scoops
him up for a choke slam but Cena counters it into a
DDT awkwardly. Both stumble to their feet but Cena
scoops Big Show up for the FU so Jericho runs in and
takes him out from behind.
Jericho and Show double team him for a second,
leaving Cena hanging from a rope as Orton arrives
for his match. Cena invites him into the ring like
Orton vs. WWE Champion John Cena (Match 3)
Cena points to the sky as Orton approaches and the
Cell lowers from the ceiling. Orton gets distracted
by it coming down and Cena tackles him to hold Orton
down as it lowers. Orton kicks Cena off but is just
short of making it out under the cages. The door is
still open on the other side of the ring so Orton
tries to casually sneak on by to the door. He makes
a break for it but is cut off. Cena blocks a punch
and beats Orton out of the cage Cena goes for an FU
and Orton escapes by scaling the cage to the top.
They face off on top of the cage before the ghost of
Owen Hart swings by and knocks them both off.
That’s how I would have written it.
counters a few punches and delivers the FU to Orton
on top of the Cell as the show goes off the air.
Sure, no match ending, who needs one of those.
Highlight of the Night: Jack Swagger’s
impressive head scissors roll through into a power
the Night: Rosa Mendez and Mickie James put
on one of the most forgettable matches ever.
WWE “Creative” Award: Feel
the drama of Hornswoggle/Chavo on the next Days of
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Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to
assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man,
Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to
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SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).