WWE
RAW RANT:
(09/27/10)
By Cameron Burge
Tonight’s recap is once
again late, something you’ll probably have to get
used to over the course of this semester for me. I
spent this evening teaching a virtual rat how to
press a bar and feed itself. He did not starve.
Ungrateful bastard. Sniffy the Rat means no
commercials tonight.
Raw 09.27.10
The show opens with a replay of Miz attacking Daniel Bryan last week, complete with a roaring “Awesome” sound that sounds like the call of some obscure new Godzilla character. Theme and pyro open the show for us proper as I realize we are less than week from yet another PPV. Dear God, the wallets. They remind us Jericho is going to face Orton for a shot at being the #1 Contender tonight before Miz and Riley arrive.
Miz talks some shit on Daniel saying that he got lucky and is acting like he won the lottery and will therefore will always win from then on. Miz says it was Monday Night and all that happens on Mondays is Daniel Bryan getting wrecked by the Miz. He’s interrupted by Flight of the Valkyries. God, I love this song. Why did he call it Superman music? Miz asks him who he will be teaming with, because he has no friends. Like all nerds. Before he gets to say he’s Awesome again, Morrison interrupts. At least King and Morrison know it’s used in Apocalypse Now and not Superman.
Daniel Bryan & John Morrison vs. The Miz & Alex Riley
Bryan charges Miz on the apron who ducks out, leaving Riley to eat some kicks. Miz ducks out again after Riley eats a clothesline. A running knee gets two. Morrison tags in and immediately gets kicked in the gut like an idiot. Morrison comes back with a flipping dropkick for two of his own. Riley hangs Morrison up on the top rope, before tagging out to Miz and double teaming in the corner. Miz distracts the ref so Riley can choke him out before Miz hangs his neck on the bottom rope. Miz continues to work over Morrison who is looking pretty damn weak compared to the last two weeks where he was goddamned super man. Perhaps he forgot to recreate Mirrors Edge in the backroom again. Morrison counters a back suplex into a cross body for a quick two as if to prove me wrong. What a douche.
Miz blocks a tag from Morrison and stomps him down, dragging him back to the heel corner for a tag to Riley. Riley stomps Morrison into a corner before wandering around endlessly to kill some time I guess. He delivers a power slam for two and tags out to Miz. Miz delivers his running clothesline in the corner that I haven’t seen him do on TV in quite some time now, picking up another two. Miz decides he’s worked too hard already and applies a rest hold. Morrison battles out with the power of his ass against Miz’s crotch, bit Morrison is blocked form another tag. A second block ends with an enziguiri and in comes Bryan. Bryan ducks a clothesline and immediately runs to Riley, dropkicking him to the floor and booting Miz in the face before planting him with a German suplex. Running dropkick in the corner picks up two. Miz misses a clothesline as it is countered into the LaBell Lock, but Miz blocks and chucks him into Morrison, bouncing Bryan off into
the Skull-crushing Finale for the three.
Winners: Miz & Riley
Miz starts kicking his ass again after the match, but Morrison tackles him to the floor. Bryan suicide dives onto them both and starts beating Miz against the wall until Morrison tries to pull him off, so Bryan casually knocks him flat on his ass. Great friend. Morrison attacks Bryan so Bryan chucks him over the security wall. Miz tackles Bryan into the wall and Morrison dives off the wall onto them both so the GM interrupts. Predictably, the GM makes a match between all three of them at the PPV for the title with pretty much no build up for Morrison to be in this other than they don’t want him in the Heavyweight title picture, clearly. The Gm also makes it a Triple Threat Submissions Count Anywhere match. They then threaten us with a Diva’s Battle Royal. Dear Lord.
Oh look a Diva’s Battle Royal for #1 Contendership. You know the drill. Think happy thoughts and it will be over soon. So how was your weekend? Mine was pretty boring, didn’t really do much. Oh, also Natalya won. This match was five torturous minutes long. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. They run a hyper machine segment about Cena on every show ever. After that wastes another two and a half minutes, Edge is revealed to be having the GM as a Cutting Edge guest tonight, teasing they might actually reveal who it is (don’t hold your breath).
We have a break and afterward we get a replay of the stalker message to Maryse/Dibiase. Did they steal the music for that from Red Shoes Diary or something? Maryse is in the back complaining Eve eliminated her from the match while Dibiase blames her for last week’s loss. There’s a knock and a letter that says “Next week, you will be mine.” Speaking of things that should get you locked up, here’s Sheamus at the ring entrance.
He tells an Ireland folk tale. Nobody cares, especially if it doesn’t involve drinking or beating people in the face with a shillelagh. Somehow his story segues into wanting to cut off his hand to win the title, which makes it very difficult to win a wrestling match. He manages another Triple H name drop amidst this. I wonder if he’s every coming back, or if I have to hear this forever. Sheamus demands a match from anyone who wants it. Apparently there was a break in which no one accepted the challenge so he says no one is willing to take him on when Khali takes the challenge, the man who broke his leg by being punched in the back. Be afraid.
The Great Khali vs. Sheamus
Sheamus taunts and gets forced into the corner for it. Khali chops at his chest, but Sheamus powers back and just pummels Khali to the mat. A running kick to the side of the head sends Khali to the floor where he’s choked and beaten some more. Sheamus takes apart the announce table and beats Khali with the parts, but is only disqualified when he starts throwing announce chairs at him.
Winner: Khali
Khali shoves him into the ring post, but Sheamus ducks a chop, making the idiot nail his hand on the post rather than just not hit the large steel object in his way. Sheamus hit’s the pump kick afterward. They interestingly zoom in on the red glowing handprints on Sheamus’ milky-white chest from the Khali chop. Sheamus delivers another kick and we get another promo for Cutting Edge which is next.
What’s the Wrestlemania Reading Challenge? Is that where you try to spell the names of every foreign wrestler to ever be in the WWE? Edge makes his way out to the ring where his set is up with the podium of the laptop sitting in the middle of the ring. Maybe he can take Michael Cole’s role? Or maybe Cole will come in and read it off for him. Edge uses the word “acrimonious” in a sentence, which I’m sure most of you can’t do right now if you had to.
Edge asks the GM why he is a spineless coward which replies in a Chip n Dale robot voice to ask if he’s a moron. I was hoping the voice might provide evidence to the GM being Stephen Hawking, but I guess that is out the window now. Edge agrees with me on that being the worst voice ever. He asks if the GM is Stone Cold, The Rock, Bob Barker, Shawn Michaels or Lindsey Lohan after a bender. Now we might be on to something there. WWE loves washed up trash. I love how the camera guy takes reaction shots of the laptop like it’s going to do something. Edge calls the GM a big fat liar. The GM says “You hurt my feelings. Why do you have to hate, yo?” Yo? Really? His sentence sort of rhymed though. Edge questions why he is arguing with a computer. Edge decides to go ask Jericho who the GM is, and the GM says Jericho is bluffing and knows nothing, unlike him who knows his opponent right now. Edge decides to storm off and not talk to himself anymore (good
choice, take a Prozac). Apparently he has to fight Cena. Oh yay, the most overdone Raw match of all time returns.
John Cena vs. Edge
Nexus are shown watching this in the back as Cena takes Edge down with a headlock. Edge forces him to the corner for a break and starts punching Cena down while big dueling chants build up. Cena tries to trip Edge up for the STF but Edge kicks him off and somehow ends up rocketing him halfway across the ring and far to the floor. Good kick? Edge hits a baseball slide to keep Cena down before continuing the beat down on the floor. Cena is sent into the ring steps. Edge restarts the count for some reason, I guess he wants to win this one legit. Back in the ring now and Edge picks up a two count. Cena tries for an FU which Michaels Cole once again calls the AA which just sounds dumb. Maybe the A2, like some kind of upgraded steak sauce would be better. Edge slips out and counters into the Edge-o-matic for two.
Edge beats Cena down some against the ropes, until they start to brawl on their feet with Cena gaining the upper hand. Edge blocks the shoulder tackle offense though and picks up two. Cena is whipped hard to the corner and Edge taunts for a bit. Cena blocks a suplex into the fisherman that came off very sloppy. When they get back to their feet, Cena tries to spam his special some more, but Edge blocks again, this time with the Edge-u-cution DDT for two. Cena brawls back again and lands the throwback. Edge is hoisted up to the top turnbuckle for a top rope FU, but Edge slips free and knocks him off. Cena misses a corner charge, and Edge comes at him with the spear. Cena puts his foot under the rope, but the ref counts it as a three anyway.
Winner: Edge
Of course, while Edge celebrates we get an e-mail. I want the voice back. The match is set to continue. Forget what I just said I guess. Edge tackles onto Cena and starts hammering away until the ref drags him away. Cole has a valid question in since when could the GM overturn decisions. Edge goes for a spear and Edge is countered into the STF, but Cena lets go and just drags him all the way back to the center for the tap out.
Winner: Cena
We see the laptop has a fancy little Raw GM screensaver as “Smash It” chants start while Edge stares at the laptop in a rage. I’m not sure if Edge plans to smash it or is having a romantic tension moment. The laptop starts talking again and says “He’s got the crazy eyes.” Edge hits it with a chair while the laptop says “oh, stop it ooh….” before Edge breaks it in half and starts head butting the computer like he’s Hawaiian (that’s how they solve all of their problems). Cole says he assaulted the computer.
Nexus hit the ring and are soon confronted by a team Evan Bourne and Mark Henry (what a terrible team, what the fuck were they thinking?).
Evan Bourne & Mark Henry vs. Justin Gabriel & Heath Slater w/ Nexus
Slater starts off with Evan and beats him into the corner. Gabriel quickly tags in, possibly to try and cover how much Slater sucks. Unfortunately, Slater is back in soon enough, dropping a high knee for two. Slater works a chinlock, the hallmark of the hoss. Bourne starts kicking the shit out of his legs and ducks a flying clothesline in the corner. Evan ducks a clothesline from Gabriel on the apron and delivers a flying knee to Slater. Suddenly his legs are broken and he crawls to a tag before suddenly healing and running. Henry and Gabriel are in with Henry running Slater and him over. He bench presses Gabriel and signals Air Bourne as he tags in Evan. Slater suddenly chop blocks Henry on his way to the apron and trips Bourne up on the top rope, allowing for a 450 from Gabriel. Bourne rolls out of the way and it bombs, allowing for Air Bourne. Slater dives in and pushes on Gabriel’s ass lightly which somehow rolls him over on top of Evan and gets a
three. Why he couldn’t kick out I have no idea.
Winners: Nexus
Nexus start to take apart Henry at ringside. We all know how this goes, moving on….oh, they go on to declare that they will be invading Smackdown on it’s Syfy premier. Because the show wasn’t bad enough yet.
After a break, we learn Johnny Knoxville will host to promote the shittiest 3D movie yet, Jackass 3D. I can only hope this will be a 3D movie so terrible that it will finally kill this shitty fad. The Hart Dynasty are out for a rematch for the tag gold. Oddly, a title card calls the belts the Unified WWE Tag Team titles still. Why do they have Spartan helmets on the belts?
WWE Tag Team Champions Dashing Cody Rhodes & Drew McIntyre vs. The Hart Dynasty (Tag Team Title Match)
Cole apologizes for being a dick last week. Then he’s a dick and calls the Harts boring. Rhodes starts off with Tyson and tries to back body drop him to the floor, but Tyson catches the apron and modifies a sunset flip in an interesting way for two. Cody then springs off the bottom rope with a spinning kick that is apparently called the “Beautiful Disaster Kick” which is quite possibly one of the worst move names I have ever heard in my entire life. Drew tags in for some double teaming in the corner. Drew starts stomping over his head. Cody tags back in and does absolutely nothing so he tags Drew back in for a clothesline that picks up two. Tyson spins out of a suplex attempt into a dropkick and makes the tag.
Smith decks Cody and goes into a series of clotheslines on him. Smith runs into the corner with a big clothesline and peels Cody out into the running power slam, but Cody slips free and tries for a clothesline that whiffs. A spinning back suplex from Smith, I haven’t seen that move in ages. It was probably a Steiner match. Smith picks up a two count when Drew breaks up the cover. Drew is sent to the floor and they go for the Hart Attack, but Drew pushes Tyson off the rope, causing him to fall into Smith, allowing for CrossRhodes.
Winners: Drew & Cody
Smith and Tyson have a big tiff at ringside, because all tag teams need to have turmoil and break up as soon as possible in the WWE. Who would want to market teams anymore?
After a break, Cena meets up with Truth in the back to prove he still hangs with black people. Truth says he’s always got his back no matter what happens in Sunday’s match. Truth tells him to be careful and Cena says he’s always careful. Truth calls bullshit (“One of the most reckless, most getting’ crunk person I know”)….Cena agrees to getting crunk and says he will be at Smackdown too this Sunday to meet Nexus. They run down the card for Hell in a Cell (Paul Bearer is back yet again? Didn’t he die in concrete?). Chris Jericho arrives for his match with Orton and says he will be the top contender again, but he’s not afraid of Orton. Jericho runs down everyone he’s beaten down in his career and I mean EVERYONE. Lex Luger even got a mention (but not until after Funaki, but before Buff Bagwell…wait why did Diesel and Kevin Nash get separate entries?). Orton finally interrupts after…a couple of minutes of this. That was kind of
funny. Did Orton shrink?
WWE Champion Randy Orton vs. Chris Jericho (non-title match)
Jericho ties up and wins out, forcing Orton to the corner with knees to the midsection. Orton powers back out and pummels Jericho down with some rights. Orton hammers over the upper body of Jericho hanging from the apron to the outside before continuing back in the ring with more kicking and punching. Do a move! Jericho tries a cheap shot when the ref breaks things up and pummels Orton on the ground. Jericho taunts, but Orton comes back with right hands. Jericho stalls an Irish whip by grabbing the ropes so Orton just clotheslines him over them and to the floor. Jericho reverses an irish whip to the ring barricade to regain control.
After a break, Orton is stomping the living hell out of Jericho in the ring. I still don’t think I’ve seen a move yet. Sheamus arrives at ringside to watch things go on. Orton gets distracted, but manages to duck a clothesline from Jericho only to eat the enziguiri instead for zero when he puts his feet way high on the rope right in front of the ref who inquires if he is retarded in a rare bought of perfect vision. Jericho slingshots Orton’s throat into the ropes instead to pass the time before choking him out on the ropes some more. Orton rallies back and dodges a corner charge, sending Jericho into the post. Orton goes for an RKO, but Jericho counters into a backslide for two. Jericho picks up another two off of a dropkick. Jericho goes to a sleeper and Orton easily escapes, only to chew on another dropkick for two.
Jericho drops an uncovered knee on Orton’s head and covers for yet another two. Back to the chin locks. Orton fights free into a back suplex before going into his little “Viper Mode” thing he does now with the clotheslines and power slam. Jericho cuts him off with a bulldog though after being forced to the corner. Jericho misses the lionsault and Orton pulls Jericho into the inverted backbreaker. Jericho bounces off the ropes into an RKO, but throws Orton off. This time the lionsault connects for two. Jericho kicks Orton to the apron where he tries for the springboard dropkick, but Orton ducks it and dives into the ring. Jericho lands on the apron and instead falls into the suspended DDT. Jericho slips free into the Walls and locks them in. Orton fails to make the ropes but eventually manages to roll in on himself and kick Jericho off to the floor.
On his way back in, Orton nails the DDT this time and sets up for an RKO. Sheamus suddenly this the ring and misses a clothesline with Orton punching him to the floor. The ref calls for the DQ, as I wonder sometimes what constitutes a DQ. Do they have to hit them or not?
Winner: Jericho?
Orton goes for the punt on Sheamus, but is caught in mid run by Jericho with the Code Breaker. Jericho decides to grab a chair at ringside and wait for Orton to get up while Sheamus takes a walk. This goes about as well as expected. Orton is invincible so he just ducks and delivers an RKO. He then proceeds to punt Jericho in he head, which is of course far more devastating when Orton does it. Orton apparently jizzes in his pants while Sheamus looks on in fear and the show goes off the air. Oh, also medics.
Highlight of the Night: Orton and Jericho steal the show, but the ending was boring and Orton still looks invincible for some reason.
Lowlight of the Night: Diva Battle Royal was forgettable and needless. Do they have to do one after every Diva feud ends?
WWE ”Creative” Award: Quickly! Have Edge wrestle John Cena again, we have nothing to do with him!
Raw 09.27.10
The show opens with a replay of Miz attacking Daniel Bryan last week, complete with a roaring “Awesome” sound that sounds like the call of some obscure new Godzilla character. Theme and pyro open the show for us proper as I realize we are less than week from yet another PPV. Dear God, the wallets. They remind us Jericho is going to face Orton for a shot at being the #1 Contender tonight before Miz and Riley arrive.
Miz talks some shit on Daniel saying that he got lucky and is acting like he won the lottery and will therefore will always win from then on. Miz says it was Monday Night and all that happens on Mondays is Daniel Bryan getting wrecked by the Miz. He’s interrupted by Flight of the Valkyries. God, I love this song. Why did he call it Superman music? Miz asks him who he will be teaming with, because he has no friends. Like all nerds. Before he gets to say he’s Awesome again, Morrison interrupts. At least King and Morrison know it’s used in Apocalypse Now and not Superman.
Daniel Bryan & John Morrison vs. The Miz & Alex Riley
Bryan charges Miz on the apron who ducks out, leaving Riley to eat some kicks. Miz ducks out again after Riley eats a clothesline. A running knee gets two. Morrison tags in and immediately gets kicked in the gut like an idiot. Morrison comes back with a flipping dropkick for two of his own. Riley hangs Morrison up on the top rope, before tagging out to Miz and double teaming in the corner. Miz distracts the ref so Riley can choke him out before Miz hangs his neck on the bottom rope. Miz continues to work over Morrison who is looking pretty damn weak compared to the last two weeks where he was goddamned super man. Perhaps he forgot to recreate Mirrors Edge in the backroom again. Morrison counters a back suplex into a cross body for a quick two as if to prove me wrong. What a douche.
Miz blocks a tag from Morrison and stomps him down, dragging him back to the heel corner for a tag to Riley. Riley stomps Morrison into a corner before wandering around endlessly to kill some time I guess. He delivers a power slam for two and tags out to Miz. Miz delivers his running clothesline in the corner that I haven’t seen him do on TV in quite some time now, picking up another two. Miz decides he’s worked too hard already and applies a rest hold. Morrison battles out with the power of his ass against Miz’s crotch, bit Morrison is blocked form another tag. A second block ends with an enziguiri and in comes Bryan. Bryan ducks a clothesline and immediately runs to Riley, dropkicking him to the floor and booting Miz in the face before planting him with a German suplex. Running dropkick in the corner picks up two. Miz misses a clothesline as it is countered into the LaBell Lock, but Miz blocks and chucks him into Morrison, bouncing Bryan off into
the Skull-crushing Finale for the three.
Winners: Miz & Riley
Miz starts kicking his ass again after the match, but Morrison tackles him to the floor. Bryan suicide dives onto them both and starts beating Miz against the wall until Morrison tries to pull him off, so Bryan casually knocks him flat on his ass. Great friend. Morrison attacks Bryan so Bryan chucks him over the security wall. Miz tackles Bryan into the wall and Morrison dives off the wall onto them both so the GM interrupts. Predictably, the GM makes a match between all three of them at the PPV for the title with pretty much no build up for Morrison to be in this other than they don’t want him in the Heavyweight title picture, clearly. The Gm also makes it a Triple Threat Submissions Count Anywhere match. They then threaten us with a Diva’s Battle Royal. Dear Lord.
Oh look a Diva’s Battle Royal for #1 Contendership. You know the drill. Think happy thoughts and it will be over soon. So how was your weekend? Mine was pretty boring, didn’t really do much. Oh, also Natalya won. This match was five torturous minutes long. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. They run a hyper machine segment about Cena on every show ever. After that wastes another two and a half minutes, Edge is revealed to be having the GM as a Cutting Edge guest tonight, teasing they might actually reveal who it is (don’t hold your breath).
We have a break and afterward we get a replay of the stalker message to Maryse/Dibiase. Did they steal the music for that from Red Shoes Diary or something? Maryse is in the back complaining Eve eliminated her from the match while Dibiase blames her for last week’s loss. There’s a knock and a letter that says “Next week, you will be mine.” Speaking of things that should get you locked up, here’s Sheamus at the ring entrance.
He tells an Ireland folk tale. Nobody cares, especially if it doesn’t involve drinking or beating people in the face with a shillelagh. Somehow his story segues into wanting to cut off his hand to win the title, which makes it very difficult to win a wrestling match. He manages another Triple H name drop amidst this. I wonder if he’s every coming back, or if I have to hear this forever. Sheamus demands a match from anyone who wants it. Apparently there was a break in which no one accepted the challenge so he says no one is willing to take him on when Khali takes the challenge, the man who broke his leg by being punched in the back. Be afraid.
The Great Khali vs. Sheamus
Sheamus taunts and gets forced into the corner for it. Khali chops at his chest, but Sheamus powers back and just pummels Khali to the mat. A running kick to the side of the head sends Khali to the floor where he’s choked and beaten some more. Sheamus takes apart the announce table and beats Khali with the parts, but is only disqualified when he starts throwing announce chairs at him.
Winner: Khali
Khali shoves him into the ring post, but Sheamus ducks a chop, making the idiot nail his hand on the post rather than just not hit the large steel object in his way. Sheamus hit’s the pump kick afterward. They interestingly zoom in on the red glowing handprints on Sheamus’ milky-white chest from the Khali chop. Sheamus delivers another kick and we get another promo for Cutting Edge which is next.
What’s the Wrestlemania Reading Challenge? Is that where you try to spell the names of every foreign wrestler to ever be in the WWE? Edge makes his way out to the ring where his set is up with the podium of the laptop sitting in the middle of the ring. Maybe he can take Michael Cole’s role? Or maybe Cole will come in and read it off for him. Edge uses the word “acrimonious” in a sentence, which I’m sure most of you can’t do right now if you had to.
Edge asks the GM why he is a spineless coward which replies in a Chip n Dale robot voice to ask if he’s a moron. I was hoping the voice might provide evidence to the GM being Stephen Hawking, but I guess that is out the window now. Edge agrees with me on that being the worst voice ever. He asks if the GM is Stone Cold, The Rock, Bob Barker, Shawn Michaels or Lindsey Lohan after a bender. Now we might be on to something there. WWE loves washed up trash. I love how the camera guy takes reaction shots of the laptop like it’s going to do something. Edge calls the GM a big fat liar. The GM says “You hurt my feelings. Why do you have to hate, yo?” Yo? Really? His sentence sort of rhymed though. Edge questions why he is arguing with a computer. Edge decides to go ask Jericho who the GM is, and the GM says Jericho is bluffing and knows nothing, unlike him who knows his opponent right now. Edge decides to storm off and not talk to himself anymore (good
choice, take a Prozac). Apparently he has to fight Cena. Oh yay, the most overdone Raw match of all time returns.
John Cena vs. Edge
Nexus are shown watching this in the back as Cena takes Edge down with a headlock. Edge forces him to the corner for a break and starts punching Cena down while big dueling chants build up. Cena tries to trip Edge up for the STF but Edge kicks him off and somehow ends up rocketing him halfway across the ring and far to the floor. Good kick? Edge hits a baseball slide to keep Cena down before continuing the beat down on the floor. Cena is sent into the ring steps. Edge restarts the count for some reason, I guess he wants to win this one legit. Back in the ring now and Edge picks up a two count. Cena tries for an FU which Michaels Cole once again calls the AA which just sounds dumb. Maybe the A2, like some kind of upgraded steak sauce would be better. Edge slips out and counters into the Edge-o-matic for two.
Edge beats Cena down some against the ropes, until they start to brawl on their feet with Cena gaining the upper hand. Edge blocks the shoulder tackle offense though and picks up two. Cena is whipped hard to the corner and Edge taunts for a bit. Cena blocks a suplex into the fisherman that came off very sloppy. When they get back to their feet, Cena tries to spam his special some more, but Edge blocks again, this time with the Edge-u-cution DDT for two. Cena brawls back again and lands the throwback. Edge is hoisted up to the top turnbuckle for a top rope FU, but Edge slips free and knocks him off. Cena misses a corner charge, and Edge comes at him with the spear. Cena puts his foot under the rope, but the ref counts it as a three anyway.
Winner: Edge
Of course, while Edge celebrates we get an e-mail. I want the voice back. The match is set to continue. Forget what I just said I guess. Edge tackles onto Cena and starts hammering away until the ref drags him away. Cole has a valid question in since when could the GM overturn decisions. Edge goes for a spear and Edge is countered into the STF, but Cena lets go and just drags him all the way back to the center for the tap out.
Winner: Cena
We see the laptop has a fancy little Raw GM screensaver as “Smash It” chants start while Edge stares at the laptop in a rage. I’m not sure if Edge plans to smash it or is having a romantic tension moment. The laptop starts talking again and says “He’s got the crazy eyes.” Edge hits it with a chair while the laptop says “oh, stop it ooh….” before Edge breaks it in half and starts head butting the computer like he’s Hawaiian (that’s how they solve all of their problems). Cole says he assaulted the computer.
Nexus hit the ring and are soon confronted by a team Evan Bourne and Mark Henry (what a terrible team, what the fuck were they thinking?).
Evan Bourne & Mark Henry vs. Justin Gabriel & Heath Slater w/ Nexus
Slater starts off with Evan and beats him into the corner. Gabriel quickly tags in, possibly to try and cover how much Slater sucks. Unfortunately, Slater is back in soon enough, dropping a high knee for two. Slater works a chinlock, the hallmark of the hoss. Bourne starts kicking the shit out of his legs and ducks a flying clothesline in the corner. Evan ducks a clothesline from Gabriel on the apron and delivers a flying knee to Slater. Suddenly his legs are broken and he crawls to a tag before suddenly healing and running. Henry and Gabriel are in with Henry running Slater and him over. He bench presses Gabriel and signals Air Bourne as he tags in Evan. Slater suddenly chop blocks Henry on his way to the apron and trips Bourne up on the top rope, allowing for a 450 from Gabriel. Bourne rolls out of the way and it bombs, allowing for Air Bourne. Slater dives in and pushes on Gabriel’s ass lightly which somehow rolls him over on top of Evan and gets a
three. Why he couldn’t kick out I have no idea.
Winners: Nexus
Nexus start to take apart Henry at ringside. We all know how this goes, moving on….oh, they go on to declare that they will be invading Smackdown on it’s Syfy premier. Because the show wasn’t bad enough yet.
After a break, we learn Johnny Knoxville will host to promote the shittiest 3D movie yet, Jackass 3D. I can only hope this will be a 3D movie so terrible that it will finally kill this shitty fad. The Hart Dynasty are out for a rematch for the tag gold. Oddly, a title card calls the belts the Unified WWE Tag Team titles still. Why do they have Spartan helmets on the belts?
WWE Tag Team Champions Dashing Cody Rhodes & Drew McIntyre vs. The Hart Dynasty (Tag Team Title Match)
Cole apologizes for being a dick last week. Then he’s a dick and calls the Harts boring. Rhodes starts off with Tyson and tries to back body drop him to the floor, but Tyson catches the apron and modifies a sunset flip in an interesting way for two. Cody then springs off the bottom rope with a spinning kick that is apparently called the “Beautiful Disaster Kick” which is quite possibly one of the worst move names I have ever heard in my entire life. Drew tags in for some double teaming in the corner. Drew starts stomping over his head. Cody tags back in and does absolutely nothing so he tags Drew back in for a clothesline that picks up two. Tyson spins out of a suplex attempt into a dropkick and makes the tag.
Smith decks Cody and goes into a series of clotheslines on him. Smith runs into the corner with a big clothesline and peels Cody out into the running power slam, but Cody slips free and tries for a clothesline that whiffs. A spinning back suplex from Smith, I haven’t seen that move in ages. It was probably a Steiner match. Smith picks up a two count when Drew breaks up the cover. Drew is sent to the floor and they go for the Hart Attack, but Drew pushes Tyson off the rope, causing him to fall into Smith, allowing for CrossRhodes.
Winners: Drew & Cody
Smith and Tyson have a big tiff at ringside, because all tag teams need to have turmoil and break up as soon as possible in the WWE. Who would want to market teams anymore?
After a break, Cena meets up with Truth in the back to prove he still hangs with black people. Truth says he’s always got his back no matter what happens in Sunday’s match. Truth tells him to be careful and Cena says he’s always careful. Truth calls bullshit (“One of the most reckless, most getting’ crunk person I know”)….Cena agrees to getting crunk and says he will be at Smackdown too this Sunday to meet Nexus. They run down the card for Hell in a Cell (Paul Bearer is back yet again? Didn’t he die in concrete?). Chris Jericho arrives for his match with Orton and says he will be the top contender again, but he’s not afraid of Orton. Jericho runs down everyone he’s beaten down in his career and I mean EVERYONE. Lex Luger even got a mention (but not until after Funaki, but before Buff Bagwell…wait why did Diesel and Kevin Nash get separate entries?). Orton finally interrupts after…a couple of minutes of this. That was kind of
funny. Did Orton shrink?
WWE Champion Randy Orton vs. Chris Jericho (non-title match)
Jericho ties up and wins out, forcing Orton to the corner with knees to the midsection. Orton powers back out and pummels Jericho down with some rights. Orton hammers over the upper body of Jericho hanging from the apron to the outside before continuing back in the ring with more kicking and punching. Do a move! Jericho tries a cheap shot when the ref breaks things up and pummels Orton on the ground. Jericho taunts, but Orton comes back with right hands. Jericho stalls an Irish whip by grabbing the ropes so Orton just clotheslines him over them and to the floor. Jericho reverses an irish whip to the ring barricade to regain control.
After a break, Orton is stomping the living hell out of Jericho in the ring. I still don’t think I’ve seen a move yet. Sheamus arrives at ringside to watch things go on. Orton gets distracted, but manages to duck a clothesline from Jericho only to eat the enziguiri instead for zero when he puts his feet way high on the rope right in front of the ref who inquires if he is retarded in a rare bought of perfect vision. Jericho slingshots Orton’s throat into the ropes instead to pass the time before choking him out on the ropes some more. Orton rallies back and dodges a corner charge, sending Jericho into the post. Orton goes for an RKO, but Jericho counters into a backslide for two. Jericho picks up another two off of a dropkick. Jericho goes to a sleeper and Orton easily escapes, only to chew on another dropkick for two.
Jericho drops an uncovered knee on Orton’s head and covers for yet another two. Back to the chin locks. Orton fights free into a back suplex before going into his little “Viper Mode” thing he does now with the clotheslines and power slam. Jericho cuts him off with a bulldog though after being forced to the corner. Jericho misses the lionsault and Orton pulls Jericho into the inverted backbreaker. Jericho bounces off the ropes into an RKO, but throws Orton off. This time the lionsault connects for two. Jericho kicks Orton to the apron where he tries for the springboard dropkick, but Orton ducks it and dives into the ring. Jericho lands on the apron and instead falls into the suspended DDT. Jericho slips free into the Walls and locks them in. Orton fails to make the ropes but eventually manages to roll in on himself and kick Jericho off to the floor.
On his way back in, Orton nails the DDT this time and sets up for an RKO. Sheamus suddenly this the ring and misses a clothesline with Orton punching him to the floor. The ref calls for the DQ, as I wonder sometimes what constitutes a DQ. Do they have to hit them or not?
Winner: Jericho?
Orton goes for the punt on Sheamus, but is caught in mid run by Jericho with the Code Breaker. Jericho decides to grab a chair at ringside and wait for Orton to get up while Sheamus takes a walk. This goes about as well as expected. Orton is invincible so he just ducks and delivers an RKO. He then proceeds to punt Jericho in he head, which is of course far more devastating when Orton does it. Orton apparently jizzes in his pants while Sheamus looks on in fear and the show goes off the air. Oh, also medics.
Highlight of the Night: Orton and Jericho steal the show, but the ending was boring and Orton still looks invincible for some reason.
Lowlight of the Night: Diva Battle Royal was forgettable and needless. Do they have to do one after every Diva feud ends?
WWE ”Creative” Award: Quickly! Have Edge wrestle John Cena again, we have nothing to do with him!
Send Feedback to Cameron Burge
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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