WWE RAW RANT

by Cameron Burge

September 26, 2011

Show opens with Triple H. What else? Hey, remember when this show was about other people? Me either. Cole is pissed about the firing as we rerun the footage from last week. Trips says he fired them because of the attacks they made and a video they made after NoC that was shot like a terrorist threat video. It replays their apology as well, complete with sad Hulk Walking Away music. He says their apology was full of crap. I still think the fine is hilarious. Do they even make that much money in a year? Because that wasn’t ridiculous enough, he fines Mark Henry for what he did. As he mentions Ross, it lights him up at the announce table. As he mentions King, it lights up King who has grown considerably blacker since last week.

Enter Vickie Guerrero for some reason? Dolph is pissed because Wolverine fractured his jaw. At least he didn’t say Batman. He says he is braving his hairline fracture because all the kids look up to him as a hero. They all want to fuck an old woman too someday. Wild Cody Rhodes appears. He says Hunter must have thought his savage beat down by Orton was hilarious if he liked what happened to Dolph. He shows off his stapled head. Trips wishes they stapled his mouth. Like they should have Stephanie’s vagina before she bred. Too low? This show is just full of random encounters. Christian comes out saying he doesn’t usually interrupt conversations like these, but what happened to him was much worse. I guess Sheamus costing him the title was worse. Triple H points out it was a fucking Lumberjack match.

Christian says they have all had enough and Christian asks them to join him in filing the biggest law suit in the history of the WWE. He says he’d rather just have one more match and he’ll drop it…screw everybody else. Trips says that is a good deal. He gives him one more match at Hell in a Cell….one more match…against Sheamus and on Smackdown he gets one against Orton. Tonight, just for shits and giggles, he gets one more match against John Cena. Christian looks pissed, pauses and then hopefully asks if it’s for the title. Trips tells him no and he decides to charge out in a fit of rage saying it is unacceptable.

Triple H then move son to Ziggler to make him defend against Ryder and takes a subtle jab against Ryder by saying he can’t believe he’s saying this, but he hopes Ryder is the new champion. He mocks Ryder’s catchphrase before Dolph stalks off pissed. Cody is given the night off, but he opens his fat mouth. Trips decides to put him in a match for the IC belt next. As he keeps talking back, it gets upped to Triple Threat, then Fatal Four Way, and then an Over the Top Rope 10 man battle Royal against the first nine guys he runs across. I hope one Pablo the janitor.

Random Commercial Thought: Rice Crispies taste like paper.

Back to the show where everyone is in the ring except a Sin Cara and Sheamus.

10-Man Intercontinental Championship Battle Royal

Clusterfuck match. Everyone gangs up on Cody who takes a dive to the floor. They are all retarded so they turn on each other immediately and Drew is tossed out. He gets pissed and tries to fight off the refs as the heel Sin Cara shows up to take out the real Cara and replace him. Bryan immediately eliminates him and the refs refuse to let the real Cara back in because they are fucking blind. Cody decided to get back in the ring during all of this for some reason and is getting the holy shit beat right out of him.

Justin Gabriel skins the car and head scissors Riley onto the apron where they are both eliminated by kicks from Sheamus. Jackson and Sheamus have a stand off and power brawl, trading big blows until Sheamus hammers him right into the mat and taunts. Ted Dibiase tries to get dream street, but Sheamus counters. Ted is up top after escaping, but he gets chucked by Rhodes. Jackson tries to toss him, but Rhodes skins the cat and pulls the ropes down to toss him. Sheamus starts running his ass over and power slams Rhodes hard. He signals the high cross, but Rhodes gets a buy when Christian makes the distraction. This isn’t enough for Rhodes to win, but Sheamus is pumping his kick. They botch the move with Sheamus failing to rack himself it seems, but Rhodes manages to push him over. Sheamus lands on the apron and gets up so Rhodes goes for the finish with his mask, only for Sheamus to block with a head butt. However, another shot still sends him to the floor. Daniel Bryan was in that match somewhere with Morrison but I totally blinked and they disappeared at some point.

Winner: Rhodes

Christian slams Sheamus into the ring post after the match. This is how you congratulate people in professional wrestling for doing well.

Random Commercial Thought: Best Western exists in England?

We return to Jerry Lawler getting put through a table hard way. And this is why you should totally put 60 year olds through hard spots. Also, anal bleeding is involved or something. I’m not sure I want to know more. Otunga is pissed in the back, yelling at John to stop Triple H. John tells him to do something with his fucking law degree. It would be terrible of me not to mention that Otunga is wearing a little dorky green bow tie. He then turns around and says it isn’t a legal issue, completely turning around on everything he said just second ago. After sending Otunga off, he begins the dreaded texting as we see the Divas of Doom on the way to the ring. Now, a video about Kelly Kelly I won’t watch. Okay I lied…but they did show he botch a pin. Wait a minute. There’s a cage tonight? Who’s in a cage match?

Random Commercial Thought: Meanwhile, on the Sing-Off, North Shore is tearing it up.

We return to a replay of the match that ended the same as every other Kelly match last week. Also anal bleeding is trending. Thanks.

Kelly Kelly & Eve Torres vs. Divas of Doom

Kelly cartwheels out of a hammerlock and works one on Eve who backs her into the corner to escape. She runs into a kick from Eve who gets distracted by Natalya. The double team begins as Nat tags in for a double press slam drop. Awesome. Natalya works a modified Indian deathlock into a modified surfboard that almost gets her some pins even though her own shoulders are down too, but whatever. That submission never did make any sense. Beth tags in and chokes Eve out on the rope, before missing a ride to the back. Kelly tags in and jumps out of the corner into a lou thesz. Kelly spanks Beth, ducks a clothesline and delivers he botched head scissors she can never ever do right. The cartwheel senton hits into the bulldog for two.

Kelly starts fighting both women off by herself, because they don’t look pathetic enough yet. Finally though, she gets blindsided by Beth and eats the glam slam after dominating this feud for weeks.

Winners: Divas of Doom

About fucking time. Mark Henry makes his way out for a match immediately following since the best way to get a crowd hyped is to have a Kelly Kelly match first.

Random Commercial Thought: Best use of magic is to use it to amaze people with your coffee obviously.

Back to the show for our matc-oh fuck its Khali.

I think the crowd just died inside. Khali gets jumped during his entrance by Mark Henry with the title who just proceeds to own him and finish it off with the World’s Strongest Slam. Oh, thank, GOD. That was the best match of Khali’s career. John Cena is shown walking through the back as we go back to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I don’t care if Jackman is really Australian.

Oh, apparently it was just the Hell in a Cell cage up there and they lower it so Cena can cut a promo about it and the recent WWE title history for those of you without a scorecard at home. This Sunday, Cena goes to hell and then somebody eats his heart to gain all of his powers. Alberto responds to this by showing up on foot for once. Cole points out Punk is coming out now with an Announcer’s jacket on according to Cole. They will be doing commentary with our already crowded table for this match.

WWE Champion John Cena vs. Christian (Non-title Match)

Cena lays into Christian right away to some boos. Christian gets slammed to the mat with a press slam, but he comes back with a tornado DDT out of the corner for a two count. Cena sucks chants are huge and overpowering tonight. It takes the pro Cena chants a bit to catch up. Christian runs into the fisherman’s suplex, but he gets a cheap shot in on Cena from the apron which he hilariously oversells. Christian botches a missile dropkick and moves to mounted punches. Cena rallies back with the shoulder blocks, but Christian escapes the suplex with a back flip. Christian tries to get the killswitch, but Cena counters into the protobomb.

Punk asks out Cole stands it with Booker flipping out of the five knuckle shuffle as he lands it on Christian. Christian takes a trip to the floor where the announce desk is cleared by Cena tackling him from behind. Punk is pissed, and probably glad he didn’t bring a soda this time. Alberto shoves Punk and then chases Cena back into the ring where he is readying an FU to hit an enziguiri for the DQ.

Winner: Cena

Hope you all like clusterfucks. Del Rio drops the word hell as many times as he can afterward as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Literally “skating by” at work.

Back to the show where Zack Ryder passes out his headband to a kid at ringside. Hey, this isn’t like Rey. He doesn’t have a spare, now he just looks silly. As Dolph arrives, we get a Hugh Jackman replay. Did somebody really bring a Ryder or Riot sign?

Internet Champion Zack Ryder vs. US Champion Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie Guerrero (US Title Match)

Ryder gets big chants as Dolph starts off strong, cutting short Ryder’s early offense. Ryder gets beat into the corner after taking a dropkick, but he dodges a follow up clothesline. Ryder tears into Ziggler and beats him down into the corner himself for a fist pump and running boot to the side of the head. Vickie distracts the ref as Zack goes for the Rough Ryder. Dolph slips out of it, but Ryder mule kicks, only to get hung on the top rope by Swagger. Ziggler finishes it off with the Zig Zag for the win.

Winner: Ziggler

Ziggler and Swagger reluctantly shake hands after the match and proceed to beat the shit out of Ryder when all of a sudden some pyro explodes randomly and Air Boom make the run in save. Oh, it’s Tag Team Teddy. This has to be on purpose now. He gives Vickie three minutes to add a third man to her team for a six man tag (Rosie or Jamal?). Oh dear, God, put a bra on her.

Random Commercial Thought: Do you ever have to change your spare tire if it’s on your ass and not your car?

The match starts as a handicap match it seems.

Air Boom & Zack Ryder vs. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger

Kofi starts us off with Swagger and Swagger takes control. Kofi fights back with forearms and a leap frog in the corner to a dropkick. Evan tags in and delivers a flying stomp to Swagger’s back before kicking out his knees and working the leg over the rope. Swagger blocks a couple of snapmare attempts in the corner in a funny spot. Swagger drags him to the heel corner where Dolph tags in and takes Bourne apart. Even gets dropped by a neck breaker and Swagger tags back in to continue the double teaming, hammering Bourne into the ground. Sometimes it’s easy to forget just how big Swagger really is and he just dwarfs Bourne. Swagger gets two and works a chicken wing submission.

Swagger tries to finish off with the gut wrench, but Bourne blocks and following up with the flying double knee press. Kofi tags in and goes into his clotheslines and dropkick. Swagger eats the mounted punches while Black ref tries to remind Kofi to cut it out. Kofi delivers the world’s most awkward uppercut as Vickie brings out Mason Ryan who has been exclusively face recently, but nobody watches Superstars anyway.

Evan is in the ring for a moment, but Kofi is back in against for a leap off of Evan’s back into the flying clothesline in the corner for two. Swagger tries to turn the tables on Kofi who backflips out of harm’s way and tags in Ryder. Ryder lays into Swagger but is demolished by a clothesline. Mason tags in and Batista destroys Swagger. Oh, I guess he’s still face. Disregard what I said. He drops Ziggler with his finisher after tossing Swagger and Ryder finishes things with the Rough Ryder on Ziggler.

Winners: Air Boom & Ryder

Swagger and Dolph complain to Vickie and she bosses them around because she’s supposed to be some kind of dominant woman who these guys fuck on the side or something? I still don’t get that. I’ve seen leather handbags that looks more appealing to stick your dick in. Hey, don’t knock it til you’ve tried it.

Random Commercial Thought: Not-tista at least let his hair grow out to get rid of some of the resemblance.

Back to the show for a video package about Hell in a Cell because a bunch of long promos about it weren’t enough to explain it to you. They announce Kelly/Beth 3 and JR acts like they have never wrestled. Why not have Natalya wrestle? Seems pointless it is always Beth.

Back to Otunga saying to Rhodes, Christian and Ziggler that he can get Triple H under unsafe working conditions. “Nice bowtie, queer!” they all should have said. They all agree to side with him. Cut to ring side for Alberto. He wore himself out on his way to the ring earlier and decides to drive this time.

Random Commercial Thought: Diesel has fragrances?

Back to the show where Cena arrives to talk about this match.

Alberto Del Rio w/ Ricardo Rodriguez vs. CM Punk

Punk beats Del Rio down with martial arts kung fu powers and then tosses him to the floor for the double axe handle. Del Rio gets purposefully thrown into Cena at the announce desk and saluted by Punk. Cena can proudly declare he had no soda to lose. Del Rio jumps Punk back in the ring an chokes him out. He continues to choke Punk out for so long in different ways that even after looking away for a bit, he was still doing it. Punk dodges a charge in the corner and kicks Alberto down into the ground before dragging him up for the knees. Alberto delivers an enziguiri to Punk at the apron to send him to the floor as we cut away to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Everything I know about the English I learned from watching Father Ted and Monty Python.

Back to Punk and the quest for the diet soda. Punk is fighting out of a rest hold and escaping with an arm drag. He tries for the GTS, but Del Rio counters into a DDT for two. Del Rio comes in with the world’s shittiest-looking kick to the temple. Punk bombs a corner charge when he tries to come back and racks his shoulder on the ring post. Del Rio picks up two for this and moves in to start working the arm with a standing arm bar. Punk uses the old Kung Fu toe stomp technique to escape, but Del Rio flattens him with a kick for two. Del Rio sends himself flying through the middle ropes when Punk steps out of the way of whatever the hell he was trying to do. Alberto tries to stay in control by catching Punk’s arm over the rope, but he still runs into a big kick from Punk for two.

Punk starts punching and kicking away, but he misses a round kick and Del Rio counters it into an arm breaker for two. Kimura from Del Rio, but Punk head butts free and ducks a clothesline to counter into a swinging neck breaker for two. Punk delivers more strikes a big kick to the head before nailing the Pepsi One. Del Rio counters the bulldog by slipping out and dragging the arm into another arm breaker for two. He starts stomping away at the arm and slapping himself. I assume this summons power. He goes for the rolling arm breaker, but Punk stands into a series of punishing kicks to the head for three.

Winner: Punk

The cell immediately drops and Rodriguez attacks Punk from behind. Cena catches Ricardo, bothering to take his shirt off first. Cena almost gets the cell dropped on his head. Ricardo is trapped in the cell with a shirtless Cena. It’s rapin’ time. Cena tosses him into a GTS from Punk right into the FU. Punk then goes for a GTS, but Cena counters. After they both escape, Alberto finishes it with chair shots to both. He just continues to wreck them with the chair.

Highlight of the Night: Main Event was a good match and the highlight of the show.

Lowlight of the Night: Diva’s match was a little better than usual, but still the low point of the whole show.

WWE “Creative” Award: Mason Ryan…because?

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.