Welcome back to the only wrestling show
that becomes more and more like a morning talkshow with each coming week.
Someone should help me. Before I die. I’m serious. DON’T LET THEM TAKE ME!
The show opens with the Bella Twins getting out
of a limo followed by Cedric the Entertainer who introduces us to everyone
who was riding with him…including a football team….a farmer and goat…and a
rabbi circumcising a baby. This was supposed to be funny but they forgot one
crucial problem. Cedric the entertainer was never funny.
pyro open the show proper for us now. DX wastes a few minutes more of our
time with their entrance before deciding to discuss the respective Hell in a
Cell records between Legacy and DX. They give a pretty good and intense
promo from there on in that I surprisingly have absolutely no complaints
about. Don’t worry I’ll bitch more later. Legacy manage to get their way out
here afterward for another one on one match.
Cody Rhodes w/ Ted Dibaise vs. Triple H w/ Shawn Michaels
starts off strong just absolutely annihilating Triple H, kicking his ass all
over the ring and making him look like a complete scrub. Trips dodges a
corner charge eventually and starts throwing Cody repeatedly shoulder first
into the post. Trips locks on a MOVE THAT SHALL NOT BE NAMED that was
originally mastered by THE MAN WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED. Cody makes the ropes.
Shawn assists outside the ring as we go to commercial.
Commercial Thought: Halo 3 ODST…it’s Halo without the ability to do the cool
stuff that Master Chief could, oh boy!
Back to the show. Rhodes picks
up a two count with a swinging neck breaker as I continue to wonder who the
hell decided we’re supposed to take this stupid beanpole as legit. Rhodes
distracts the ref for a cheap shot from Dibiase on the outside, giving
Rhodes a one count. Trips stands with some rights but Rhodes counters into a
Russian Leg Sweep for two. Rhodes lads a top rope moonsault for another two
and taunts Michaels who wonders how his career has come to this. Rhodes says
he’s going to make Trips tap out again. Trips rallies back and dumps Rhodes
who bitchslaps Michaels. Michaels gives chase and gets planted on the table
and double teamed. Back in the ring Trips goes for a pedigree on Rhodes only
to eat a chairshot from Dibiase.
Winner: Triple H
turns with their finishers and put the chair on Trips’ throat but Michaels
makes the save with a sledgehammer and they take off as we go back to
Random Commercial Thought: Is it a phone? Of course it’s
a goddamn phone.
Back to the show. I just realized we’re going to
have an entire Hell in a Cell ppv. Who the fuck thought that was a perfect
followup to another gimmick match only PPV? Cedric comes out to entertain
us….uh or at least I assume that is what he’s supposed to be doing.
Apparently Mark Henry is the son of the Kool Aid man and not the obese
brother of the Predator. Santino interrupts to say he can’t believe he’s
standing in front of Cedric. He keeps calling him Fredrick. Santino says he
wants to be a stand up comic. Cedric sets him up to try some out. Oh look,
this is a nice break for everybody. Go get some snacks….and Cedric does a
Kanye joke. I think that meme just flatlined. Before we can continue on
though we’re interrupted by a man who lost a feud to a midget, Chavo.
Santino has to explain to Cedric that Chavo hasn’t been letting Hornswoggle
win every week.
Chavo gets all up in Cedric’s face before he
challenges him to a match because he’s mad. His microphone breaks and he
takes Cedric’s. Ha. Betrayed. Cedric pimps his movie instead….uh Kel
Mitchell is the star? Think I’ll pass. Chavo reiterates his challenge and
Santino accepts for Cedric. In the back, Miz gives an interview to Josh
Matthews about how awesome he is when Kofi Kingston knocks him out from
behind and casually recollects his belt with a “What’s up Josh?” Ha. I am
the Miz! And I am unconscious!
Random Commercial Thought: I’ve always
though they should advertise a new episode of Psych and then play a rerun.
Back to the show where we learn of a Cena/Orton contract
signing tonight. EXCITEMENT. Evan Bourne heads to the ring to take on Miz.
Seems he got better.
The Miz vs. Evan
Miz starts off aggressive, beating Bourne down into the
corner until the ref pulls him off and a huge straight dropkick from Bourne
drops him. Bourne tries to follow up but eats a hard blow in the corner and
a running kick to the head. Chicken wing from Miz on the ground. Mmmm,
chicken. Bourne fights up and Miz has to stomp him back down. Miz continues
to work Evan down, but Bourne finally rallies back when Miz goes up top,
tripping him up. Frankenstiener from Bourne who goes up top himself for some
Air Bourne. Bourne misses but lands on his feet only to be hit by Reality
Check for three.
In the back, Orton gives Legacy the
rest of the night off for wrecking DX so bad. He says he has this because
it’s just a contract signing. Contract signings should be a new match type
in Smackdown vs. Raw. First guy to freak the fuck out and attack the other
Random Commercial Thought: Monsters have their own skillets
that they use to make their own versions of Brains on Drugs commercials.
Back to the show where King is in the ring for the contract signing in his
least professional looking shirt he could find. Orton pouts in his office
chair while Cena makes his way out. King explains that Orton has to sign or
he doesn’t get a rematch and then Orton tells him to fuck off before cutting
an angry promo. Cena says he hasn’t bothered to listen because the only
things he hears Orton say are I Quit I Quit. They continue to talk for quite
a while. Somebody throw a chair goddamnit! They do finally sign though.
Orton says he would like to RKO Orton through the table but says he legally
can’t do that….like he could legally kick old men and women in the head for
no reason? I’m confused. Orton says he found some people to put Cena through
hell right now and we get Jericho and Big Show. Oh, apparently there’s some
no physicality rule between Orton and Cena right now. Cena tries to make a
run for it but gets his ass handed to him (making it
very difficult to
sit down). However, MVP and Henry make the save so Cedric makes a six man
Random Commercial Thought: Pandorum is a terrible title. I just
want everyone to know that.
Back to the show. Alicia Fox is at
ringside to watch this match between Mickie James and Beth.
Beth Phoenix vs. Diva’s Champion Mickie James (Non-title Match)
Beth gets her ass kicked, sent flying to the floor where Mickie leaps on top
of her. Alicia and Mickie get in each other’s faces and Phoenix slams Mickie
into the ring post before taking her back to the ring for Phoenix Arizona
and the win.
Post match Alicia taunts Mickie with
the toy-like Diva’s belt and hits a scissors kick. Let’s go to a commercial,
I heard those are good this time of year.
Random Commercial Thought:
Okay, this commercials is great and all, and I’mma let it finish, but Mr.
Bucket was the best commercial of all time. ALL TIME.
Back to the
show where we got Kofi Kingston out to defend against Jack Swagger. A quick
aside. Who the hell decided Zack Ryder should have any title? I know the ECW
title sucks but COME ON.
Jack Swagger vs.
United States Champion Kofi Kingston (US Title Match)
gets a boot to the jaw early on before Miz comes down to the ring to sneak
about and steal the belt. Why doesn’t that guy at ringside ever hang onto
the belt and not let people steal it. Swagger clotheslines Miz from behind
and takes the belt before taking a walk with it. Uh….okay so count out
anytime ref. Anytime, ref. Oh well I just assume the match is over.
Random Commercial Thought: Get out while you still can!
Back to…Cedric the Entertainer in some of King’s tights and a cape.
Oh…my…god. Cedric caps off the outfit with a luchador silver mask and puts
his hat on over it. Oh god please. Anyway, Santino is our ref for this
Chavo Guerrero vs. Cedric the
Chavo rolls around to taunt and shoves
Cedric out of a tie up. Chavo takes his hat and stomps on it. Oh no! The
source of all his power! Cedric gets pissed and goes under the ring. Chavo
doesn’t follow, instead going to the other side and waiting for him to come
out the other side. He does but it’s a different much larger man that comes
out in Cedric’s outfit. Cedric really lightened his skin tone up under
there. Chavo bitchslaps him after the surprise and gets hoisted back into
the ring. For some reason Michael Cole says “Shazam” but nobody gets hit by
lightning and turns into Captain Marvel. Not-Cedric back body drops Chavo
and tries to tell Santino it’s not Cedric. Not-Cedric goes back under the
ring after crushing Chavo in the corner and now he’s turned into a Midget
who delivers a tadpole splash. Little-Cedric trades out to regular Cedric
for the win.
….uhg. The three Cedric’s dance in the
ring but the mystery big guy never reveals himself.
Thought: Captain America got better.
Back to the show where Cedric is
interrupted while partying with Kelly Kelly by Jericho saying they need to
talk. He says later, but when he goes back to it, Big Show gets his
attention. We then go to ringside for King to thank Lillian Garcia for all
her years with WWE. Apparently she’s quitting. I bet it’s because of that
mole. Lillian gives one of those speeches that makes you feel awkward
because they are crying but you have no personal reason to feel sad for
them. They better replace her with another hot chick though.
and his partners arrive. Jericho says Cedric agreed to make it so that if
they lose Orton has to face MVP, Henry and Cena in a gauntlet match but if
they win Cena has to face them in a gauntlet.
Thought: Eat a dick, it’s high in fiber.
Back to the show where Cena
and Pals make their entrance to get our match underway.
WWE Champion John Cena & MVP & Mark Henry vs. Randy Orton & Unified Tag
Champions Chris Jericho & Big Show
Cena starts off with
Jericho and seems to have the advantage until Orton tags in. Orton runs away
and Cena gives chase being cut off by Jericho and Big Show. Orton lands a
power slam and drops a knee on Cena’s face. Cena rallies back with a belly
to belly suplex. MVP scores the tag and tosses Jericho around who tags in as
well. Jericho misses a corner charge and eats a flying clothesline. MVP
scores a face buster and delivers some Ballin’. That always sounds like some
kind of porn maneuver when I type it. Big Show makes the tag and crushes MVP
flat. He tries to fight back up but Big Show just head butts him back down
and makes the tag to Orton.
Orton and Jericho take turns working MVP
over and getting some double teaming in. Jericho misses his little maneuver
where he leaps on people hung over the ropes. Orton makes the tag and dives
on MVP before he crawls to the tag. Orton throws MVP through the ropes but
he makes a tag to Henry on his way by. Henry head butts Orton and takes out
Jericho on the apron. Cena scoops Big Show out of the ring but Jericho
attacks Henry from behind allowing the RKO from Orton for the win.
Winners: Orton, Jericho and Big Show
Highlight of the Night: Uh….um….So how about those Steelers?
Lowlight of the Night: triple Cedric fight!
WWE “Creative” Award: With Batista going to smack down (which has
plenty of Main Eventers) we’re going to be having Orton/Cena for the rest of