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WWE
RAW RANT:
(09/21/09)
By Cameron Burge

 
Welcome back to the only wrestling show that becomes more and more like a morning talkshow with each coming week. Someone should help me. Before I die. I’m serious. DON’T LET THEM TAKE ME!

Raw 09.21.09

The show opens with the Bella Twins getting out of a limo followed by Cedric the Entertainer who introduces us to everyone who was riding with him…including a football team….a farmer and goat…and a rabbi circumcising a baby. This was supposed to be funny but they forgot one crucial problem. Cedric the entertainer was never funny.

Theme and pyro open the show proper for us now. DX wastes a few minutes more of our time with their entrance before deciding to discuss the respective Hell in a Cell records between Legacy and DX. They give a pretty good and intense promo from there on in that I surprisingly have absolutely no complaints about. Don’t worry I’ll bitch more later. Legacy manage to get their way out here afterward for another one on one match.

Cody Rhodes w/ Ted Dibaise vs. Triple H w/ Shawn Michaels

Cody starts off strong just absolutely annihilating Triple H, kicking his ass all over the ring and making him look like a complete scrub. Trips dodges a corner charge eventually and starts throwing Cody repeatedly shoulder first into the post. Trips locks on a MOVE THAT SHALL NOT BE NAMED that was originally mastered by THE MAN WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED. Cody makes the ropes. Shawn assists outside the ring as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Halo 3 ODST…it’s Halo without the ability to do the cool stuff that Master Chief could, oh boy!

Back to the show. Rhodes picks up a two count with a swinging neck breaker as I continue to wonder who the hell decided we’re supposed to take this stupid beanpole as legit. Rhodes distracts the ref for a cheap shot from Dibiase on the outside, giving Rhodes a one count. Trips stands with some rights but Rhodes counters into a Russian Leg Sweep for two. Rhodes lads a top rope moonsault for another two and taunts Michaels who wonders how his career has come to this. Rhodes says he’s going to make Trips tap out again. Trips rallies back and dumps Rhodes who bitchslaps Michaels. Michaels gives chase and gets planted on the table and double teamed. Back in the ring Trips goes for a pedigree on Rhodes only to eat a chairshot from Dibiase.
Winner: Triple H

Legacy takes turns with their finishers and put the chair on Trips’ throat but Michaels makes the save with a sledgehammer and they take off as we go back to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Is it a phone? Of course it’s a goddamn phone.

Back to the show. I just realized we’re going to have an entire Hell in a Cell ppv. Who the fuck thought that was a perfect followup to another gimmick match only PPV? Cedric comes out to entertain us….uh or at least I assume that is what he’s supposed to be doing. Apparently Mark Henry is the son of the Kool Aid man and not the obese brother of the Predator. Santino interrupts to say he can’t believe he’s standing in front of Cedric. He keeps calling him Fredrick. Santino says he wants to be a stand up comic. Cedric sets him up to try some out. Oh look, this is a nice break for everybody. Go get some snacks….and Cedric does a Kanye joke. I think that meme just flatlined. Before we can continue on though we’re interrupted by a man who lost a feud to a midget, Chavo. Santino has to explain to Cedric that Chavo hasn’t been letting Hornswoggle win every week.

Chavo gets all up in Cedric’s face before he challenges him to a match because he’s mad. His microphone breaks and he takes Cedric’s. Ha. Betrayed. Cedric pimps his movie instead….uh Kel Mitchell is the star? Think I’ll pass. Chavo reiterates his challenge and Santino accepts for Cedric. In the back, Miz gives an interview to Josh Matthews about how awesome he is when Kofi Kingston knocks him out from behind and casually recollects his belt with a “What’s up Josh?” Ha. I am the Miz! And I am unconscious!

Random Commercial Thought: I’ve always though they should advertise a new episode of Psych and then play a rerun. PSYCH!

Back to the show where we learn of a Cena/Orton contract signing tonight. EXCITEMENT. Evan Bourne heads to the ring to take on Miz. Seems he got better.

The Miz vs. Evan Bourne

Miz starts off aggressive, beating Bourne down into the corner until the ref pulls him off and a huge straight dropkick from Bourne drops him. Bourne tries to follow up but eats a hard blow in the corner and a running kick to the head. Chicken wing from Miz on the ground. Mmmm, chicken. Bourne fights up and Miz has to stomp him back down. Miz continues to work Evan down, but Bourne finally rallies back when Miz goes up top, tripping him up. Frankenstiener from Bourne who goes up top himself for some Air Bourne. Bourne misses but lands on his feet only to be hit by Reality Check for three.
Winner: Miz

In the back, Orton gives Legacy the rest of the night off for wrecking DX so bad. He says he has this because it’s just a contract signing. Contract signings should be a new match type in Smackdown vs. Raw. First guy to freak the fuck out and attack the other guy wins.

Random Commercial Thought: Monsters have their own skillets that they use to make their own versions of Brains on Drugs commercials.

Back to the show where King is in the ring for the contract signing in his least professional looking shirt he could find. Orton pouts in his office chair while Cena makes his way out. King explains that Orton has to sign or he doesn’t get a rematch and then Orton tells him to fuck off before cutting an angry promo. Cena says he hasn’t bothered to listen because the only things he hears Orton say are I Quit I Quit. They continue to talk for quite a while. Somebody throw a chair goddamnit! They do finally sign though. Orton says he would like to RKO Orton through the table but says he legally can’t do that….like he could legally kick old men and women in the head for no reason? I’m confused. Orton says he found some people to put Cena through hell right now and we get Jericho and Big Show. Oh, apparently there’s some no physicality rule between Orton and Cena right now. Cena tries to make a run for it but gets his ass handed to him (making it
very difficult to sit down). However, MVP and Henry make the save so Cedric makes a six man tag.

Random Commercial Thought: Pandorum is a terrible title. I just want everyone to know that.

Back to the show. Alicia Fox is at ringside to watch this match between Mickie James and Beth.

Beth Phoenix vs. Diva’s Champion Mickie James (Non-title Match)

Beth gets her ass kicked, sent flying to the floor where Mickie leaps on top of her. Alicia and Mickie get in each other’s faces and Phoenix slams Mickie into the ring post before taking her back to the ring for Phoenix Arizona and the win.
Winner: Phoenix

Post match Alicia taunts Mickie with the toy-like Diva’s belt and hits a scissors kick. Let’s go to a commercial, I heard those are good this time of year.

Random Commercial Thought: Okay, this commercials is great and all, and I’mma let it finish, but Mr. Bucket was the best commercial of all time. ALL TIME.

Back to the show where we got Kofi Kingston out to defend against Jack Swagger. A quick aside. Who the hell decided Zack Ryder should have any title? I know the ECW title sucks but COME ON.

Jack Swagger vs. United States Champion Kofi Kingston (US Title Match)

Kofi gets a boot to the jaw early on before Miz comes down to the ring to sneak about and steal the belt. Why doesn’t that guy at ringside ever hang onto the belt and not let people steal it. Swagger clotheslines Miz from behind and takes the belt before taking a walk with it. Uh….okay so count out anytime ref. Anytime, ref. Oh well I just assume the match is over.
Winner: Kofi

Random Commercial Thought: Get out while you still can!

Back to…Cedric the Entertainer in some of King’s tights and a cape. Oh…my…god. Cedric caps off the outfit with a luchador silver mask and puts his hat on over it. Oh god please. Anyway, Santino is our ref for this match.

Chavo Guerrero vs. Cedric the Entertainer


Chavo rolls around to taunt and shoves Cedric out of a tie up. Chavo takes his hat and stomps on it. Oh no! The source of all his power! Cedric gets pissed and goes under the ring. Chavo doesn’t follow, instead going to the other side and waiting for him to come out the other side. He does but it’s a different much larger man that comes out in Cedric’s outfit. Cedric really lightened his skin tone up under there. Chavo bitchslaps him after the surprise and gets hoisted back into the ring. For some reason Michael Cole says “Shazam” but nobody gets hit by lightning and turns into Captain Marvel. Not-Cedric back body drops Chavo and tries to tell Santino it’s not Cedric. Not-Cedric goes back under the ring after crushing Chavo in the corner and now he’s turned into a Midget who delivers a tadpole splash. Little-Cedric trades out to regular Cedric for the win.
Winner: Cedric

….uhg. The three Cedric’s dance in the ring but the mystery big guy never reveals himself.

Random Commercial Thought: Captain America got better.

Back to the show where Cedric is interrupted while partying with Kelly Kelly by Jericho saying they need to talk. He says later, but when he goes back to it, Big Show gets his attention. We then go to ringside for King to thank Lillian Garcia for all her years with WWE. Apparently she’s quitting. I bet it’s because of that mole. Lillian gives one of those speeches that makes you feel awkward because they are crying but you have no personal reason to feel sad for them. They better replace her with another hot chick though.

Orton and his partners arrive. Jericho says Cedric agreed to make it so that if they lose Orton has to face MVP, Henry and Cena in a gauntlet match but if they win Cena has to face them in a gauntlet.

Random Commercial Thought: Eat a dick, it’s high in fiber.

Back to the show where Cena and Pals make their entrance to get our match underway.

WWE Champion John Cena & MVP & Mark Henry vs. Randy Orton & Unified Tag Champions Chris Jericho & Big Show

Cena starts off with Jericho and seems to have the advantage until Orton tags in. Orton runs away and Cena gives chase being cut off by Jericho and Big Show. Orton lands a power slam and drops a knee on Cena’s face. Cena rallies back with a belly to belly suplex. MVP scores the tag and tosses Jericho around who tags in as well. Jericho misses a corner charge and eats a flying clothesline. MVP scores a face buster and delivers some Ballin’. That always sounds like some kind of porn maneuver when I type it. Big Show makes the tag and crushes MVP flat. He tries to fight back up but Big Show just head butts him back down and makes the tag to Orton.

Orton and Jericho take turns working MVP over and getting some double teaming in. Jericho misses his little maneuver where he leaps on people hung over the ropes. Orton makes the tag and dives on MVP before he crawls to the tag. Orton throws MVP through the ropes but he makes a tag to Henry on his way by. Henry head butts Orton and takes out Jericho on the apron. Cena scoops Big Show out of the ring but Jericho attacks Henry from behind allowing the RKO from Orton for the win.
Winners: Orton, Jericho and Big Show

Le Fin!

Highlight of the Night: Uh….um….So how about those Steelers?

Lowlight of the Night: triple Cedric fight!

WWE “Creative” Award: With Batista going to smack down (which has plenty of Main Eventers) we’re going to be having Orton/Cena for the rest of the year.

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).