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RAW RANT:
(09/20/10)
By Cameron Burge

In case you missed the PPV, you flat out missed a great number of big title switches. They’ll be covered in the recap itself most likely, so let’s hop right into it shall we?

Raw 09.20.10

Show opens with an introduction of Orton as the new WWE champion who went in looking as invincible as he turned out to be. Sheamus appears immediately after and says he’s had the belt stolen from him twice by losing it in bullshit multi-man melee (lvl 9 computers only) matches. He says Orton has never beaten him for the belt. Orton says Sheamus won the title in a four way match and the last time they fought, Sheamus got DQ’d so Sheamus must be a pathetic little sissy man. Orton suggests he take his rematch soon, or he’ll kick him in the side of the head. Sheamus says he’s not intimidated by Orton’s snake antics or temper tantrums and will kick his head off. KICK WAR. Orton dares him to give it a shot so it’s e-mail time. Also, did Jericho quit?

The GM says they will have their encounter in a Hell in a Cell match. Sheamus demands to have the belt given to him until the match because Orton didn’t beat him. Orton reminds him he’s not very honorable and hospitalizes people for fun when he isn’t shitting in gym bags and wrecking hotel rooms. He also mentions brutalizing grandmothers. Orton tells him to go ahead and take it though and Sheamus just becomes a total fucking retard by walking forward into the obvious RKO. Orton returns to the ring and tries for a head kick but Sheamus rolls out of the way first and takes a walk.

Random Commercial Thought: Who thought we needed to wait so long for that shitty Robin Hood movie to come out on DVD?

Back to the show. Cole tries to demean the Hart Dynasty with some joke about them going home and crying to Celine Dion songs. I don’t know why he told that joke. It was terrible. Rhodes and McIntyre are the new champs and out next with their big Orange belts. Their entrance music sounds like a cacophony of noise that makes me want to cry. Why is Cole still talking shit with weird jokes? Are they trying to set him up as an irrational supporter of Rhodes and Drew? He hasn’t really said much about them other than Rhodes being sexy which is just creepy.

WWE Tag Team Champions Cody Rhodes & Drew McIntyre vs. Santino Morella & Vladimir Kozlov (Non-Title Match)

Santino gets punched down by Rhodes several times. He decides to tag in Vlad who powers him out and soon ties up with Drew. Eats a fireman’s carry and Santino makes the tag in with some cheap shots. Santino does the splits under a clothesline and signals the cobra after a hip toss, but Drew just decks him with a boot for two. Vlad is hilariously into this. I love this team. Rhodes tags in and kicks Santino down in the corner. Rhodes continues to stomp on Santino and tags Drew back in. Drew stomps on his face a couple of times as we start hearing about shaving legs for Cody. Uh…..erk.

Santino escapes a hold by Cody and makes the tag. Vlad runs Drew over as he comes in and powers him into the corner with kicks. Drew eats a running power slam but Cody breaks up the pin. Santino tries to chuck Cody, but it’s reversed. Vlad kicks Cody to the floor and turns into Drew’s Future Shock for the three.
Winners: Drew & Cody

Cole is overly concerned with how attractive Cody is. David Hart Smith gets a zinger when he points out Cody holds the title upside down. That was pretty funny. Oh, pimping for the Cena movie which is now coming out on DVD exclusively…at WAL-MART.. It had such a limited theatre release it came out on DVD just two weeks later? We get a replay of Morrison and Sheamus from last week before we see him doing some unique pushups in the back as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Can I just hate everyone instead?

Back to the show where Ryder is telling Edge they should go work it at a club. Edge tells him he isn’t getting shit from the GM now that he lost. Bryan shows up and gets yelled at. Ryder gives him an L for loser sign. Uh….is this entertaining? Edge challenges Bryan to a match and he agrees.

Cut to ringside with Jericho arriving for his match. Apparently he lost in two minutes to an RKO in the Elimination match. Tool-assisted speed trial mode.

Chris Jericho vs. John Morrison

Morrison starts off aggressive and chases Jericho around ringside. Jericho gets clotheslined by Morrison’s side dropkick and misses a corner charge, sending himself to the floor. Morrison runs the entire length of the ring and springs over the ring poast into a suicide dive as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Red. Is this the expendables again only with older people?

Morrison is just stomping and punching Jericho into the corner. Cole explains that Jericho denies ever saying what he would do if he lost the match, so apparently the writers really really suck at coming up with ideas for him.. Morrison gets dumped to the floor hard and dropped on the ring barricade. Jericho crawls back into the ring and taunts to build up his Smackdown meter some. Do they still have that in the new games? They’ve gotten pretty boring in recent years. Jericho suplexes Morrison back into the ring and bounces off the ropes….to do a very slow little kick for no reason. Okay? Morrison kicks out at two from a cover and Jericho starts slapping him around.

Jericho delivers a dropkick to the jaw as Cole reminisces about the good ole days when Jericho couldn’t even remember his name. Jericho chokes Morrison out on the ropes, but a power slam attempt is countered into a small package by Morrison for two. Jericho powers over him hard for a two count in retaliation. Morrison rallies back with clotheslines and dropkicks, forcing Jericho to the corner. He runs into a kick from Jericho and takes the bulldog. Jericho misses a lionsault, but lands on his feet and counters a Flash Kick into the Walls. Morrison manages to drag himself to the rope as Jericho typically complains that Morrison must have tapped. Jericho charges Morrison who rolls him up. They swing back and forth into two counts several times on each other before Jericho stands out into the walls. Morrison spins through and kicks Jericho out. A running knee to the head from Morrison leaves him set up in the corner for Starship Pain for the three.
Winner: Morrison

Jericho has himself a good cry at ringside. Aw, you know what will make you feel better, buddy? Some commercials!

Random Commercial Thought: I need my own t-shirt.

Back to the show where Cena is asked if he is disappointed. He dodges the question by saying lots of good things are happening. Cena says he gets a match with Wade tonight and gets a chance to crush him. The Miz arrives at ringside to protest that he wasn’t defeated and didn’t tap out. He says he woke up with tender ligament and was too injured to wrestler and he was begged not to compete, probably by his mother. He says he competed anyway like a true champion. He says he’ll get the title back before taking a seat at ringside and once again declaring her didn’t tap out. I can only assume as we go to commercial that Cole goes under the desk to give him a blowjob.

Random Commercial Thought: My favorite thing is for the people serving me food to shut the fuck up and just give me my food.

Edge is out and then….why is Daniel Bryan coming out to Flight of the Valkyries? This is the best entrance music ever.

Edge vs. US Champion Daniel Bryan (Non-title Match)

Edge stomps Daniel into the corner right away and dominates. He chokes out Bryan on the rope and delivers a cross body to his back while over the rope, an odd move to say the least. Edge drags Daniel to the floor and tosses him into the wall. Edge tosses Bryan into the ring. King goes off on Cole for being a douche. I like how he calls Daniel a nerd. Isn’t Michael Cole a nerd? Edge clocks Bryan for two when he tries to rally back. Alex Riley is confirmed as working for Miz on a personal services contract. Edge works a waist lock and Bryan battles out, kicking the knees out of Edge. Bryan backflips awesomely off the turnbuckle over Edge and tries to get the LeBell Lock. Edge blocks, but Bryan hit’s a jaw buster and running knee for two.

Bryan goes up top and runs into a big boot. Edge sets up for the spear and charges, but Bryan ducks aside to get the LeBell Lock in. Alex Riley appears to distract the referee while Bryan foolishly releases the hold and allows for Miz to hang him up over the ropes from behind. Edge spears him for the win.
Winner: Edge

We get an e-mail immediately following the match. Due to the outside interference the match decision is reversed. They can do that? Bryan wins by DQ and Flight of the Valkyries plays. Edge says he is sick of this beep beep shit. Edge says this is no joke, it’s his career (surprise, they are one in the same!). Afterwards, Edge storms off and leaves Riley and Miz to stomp Bryan down to the ground. This goes on for a while until Miz finally finishes things off with the Skullcrushing Finale. I guess he was trying to outdo Nexus in long, tedious beat down segments.

Random Commercial Thought: why couldn’t they be actually sharks…with monocles…and top hats.

Back to the show. Oh great, they have two stupid butterfly belts now. Michelle proved last night futher what fucking the Undertaker can get you.

Co-Unified Diva’s Champion Layla w/ Michelle McCool vs. Melina (Unified Diva’s title Match)

Melina dominates right away and dumps Layla to the floor. She dives to the floor on Layla and then gets into a fight with Michelle, chasing her to the crowd. Somehow she doesn’t get counted out. Melina fights Layla back to the ring and Matrix dodges a clothesline. She fights Layla onto the top rope. Layla comes off the top with something resembling the Block Buster for the win.
Winner: Layla

What was wrong with heels just being evil instead of annoying?

Random Commercial Thought: I have to wonder why anyone would want to have sex with whipped cream.

Back to the show where Nexus are having a meeting before we cut to Jericho getting pissed. Jericho has an announcement…of his DVD about his entire career. That’s probably pretty good. Jericho says he has the IP Address on Michael Cole’s computer and plans to blackmail the GM once he’s exposed their identity, which is hard to do after you’ve already exposed the information. He demands to be put into the title match and asks if they are listening when Wild Orton appears (level 75). Orton says if Jericho can beat him in a match next week, he’ll give him a title shot whenever. Orton says he’s sick of hearing his voice and is hoping to put him away for a long time if they have a match.

Eve and Truth are out now singing that new song of his….I’m already completely sick of it. I don’t think even the crowd likes it. At least What’s Up was more interactive. He tries to hold the microphone for this one, but it gets very little. Oh thank god, commercials.

Random Commercial thought: The sandwich lady is crazy, run for your lives!

Back to the show. Oh Raw is coming to town. I can’t remember Raw ever coming to Wichita before instead of Smackdown. Ted Dibiase has a new theme too it seems. Uh, that sounds like T-Pain. Maybe we could use a little less Autotune.

Ted Dibiase & Maryse vs. R-Truth & Eve Torres

Truth starts off with Dibiase and does some flips and splits to show off before a heel kick drops Dibiase. Maryse and Eve come in, but Truth pauses to dance for Maryse who slaps him. Eve tackles Maryse and they pulls each other around by the hair. Maryse starts slamming her into the mat by the hair and choking Eve out on the bottom rope. Eve powers back but Dibiase interferes. Truth cuts him off and suicide dives onto him on the floor. Back in the ring, Eve blocks the French Kiss with a swinging neck breaker for three.
Winners: Truth & Eve

After the match., Ted and Maryse are arguing at ringside when a video from the “secret admirer” plays saying “I will have you” with a little heart for the “o” in it. Of course, it still doesn’t say who it is for. I’m surprised they are still following this crap. Where are they even going to go with it? Who on earth is invested in the relationship of Maryse and Dibiase?

Random Commercial Thought: Cheeseburger Doritos do not do that. They do however taste like ass.

Wade comes out to the ring and demands Cena do what he does best and bury everyone in the entire stable in a gauntlet match. No problem. Cena accepts the gauntlet it seems and takes on Slater.

John Cena vs. Heath Slater

Slater gets his shit wrecked from the get go and is almost pinned right away. Wade is oddly standing on the announce table still for some reason. Slater fights back and delivers a running knee in the corner and a dropkick to the sternum for two. Slater tries to pin him a second time to the same effect and seems genuinely surprised for some reason. Slater plants Cena on his face for another two count before going up top. Cena rolls through the cross body into an FU for the three.
Winner: Cena

Otunga is next up as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: A whole series of these stupid singing commercials? Just because it worked for Free Credit Report doesn’t mean it will work for you.

John Cena vs. David Otunga

Otunga is slamming Cena for a two count as we return. He continues to keep the pressure on and overpowers him before taunting. Cena casually scoops him into the deadly finisher of a small package for three.
Winner: Cena

John Cena vs. Tarver

Tarver sounds like a goddamned animal when he attacks. I think he’s probably disabled. Tarver mauls Cena in the corner and just goes into a series of kicks and charges and punches. The referee has to pull him off several times until Cena drops him right into the STF for the tap out.
Winner: Cena (tired of reading this yet?)

John Cena vs. Justin Gabriel

Gabriel flips over Cena and manages to pick up a two count before kicking away at Cena and dropping him with a kick to the head for two. Cena does his best to establish himself as just as much of an unstoppable superman as Orton by kicking out of a slingshot maneuver from the ropes as well. Gabriel has Cena rocking in the corner with rights, but Cena rallies and delivers a high dropkick for two. I like how Cole says John Cena added a dropkick to his repertoire, which is kind of funny to hear acknowledgement of his limited moveset. Gabriel blocks Cena up top when he tries for the guillotine leg drop and delivers a superplex. Grabiel pick sup two.

Gabriel gets a moonsault for another two count. Gabriel goes for a suplex after waiting forever, which seems like an odd move for him to try and really just an excuse for Cena to do his Fisherman suplex spot for two. They brawl to their feet with punches and Cena is down from a weird little Russian Leg Sweep type of move for two. Gabriel wraps around a cross body in the corner and spring boards back in, but Cena ducks and goes into his offense with the protobomb. Cena goes for the Five Knuckle Shuffle and Gabriel obediently waits for it. Cena goes for the FU when Nexus hit the ring in full.
Winner: Cena

Cena wins by DQ and fights them off until he grabs Wade’s steel chair and chases them all off. Cena grabs a microphone and points out Wade still owes him a match now. Cena agrees to anything to get the match to happen and Wade says Cena will do anything so Cena has to put himself on the line, so if he loses he has to join Nexus if he loses their match at Hell in a Cell. Cena agrees, but before Wade can say thanks, Cena puts his own stipulation on things, if he wins, Nexus is done entirely. They agree after he manages to get a rib on everyone by saying their old jobs and the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Morrison and Jericho steal the show entirely with the only thing decent worth watching.

Lowlight of the Night: Diva’s match. Yep. That’s it.

WWE “Creative” Award: Jericho is in an endless cycle of the same storyline every week. Somebody save him.
 

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).