WWE RAW RANT

by Cameron Burge

September 19, 2011

My apologies for the lost recap last week, folks. Your’s truly has been very busy with life and things and just couldn’t find time to sit down and watch a two hour show that featured yet another Jerry Lawler match that probably would have made me want to claw my eyes out with a rake

Raw 09.19.11

The show opens with CM Punk to talk about last night’s match. It was a clusterfuck. He admits that he might have been wrong about something…about there being a conspiracy. Though it isn’t the batshit one they are spouting. Triple H interrupts because we love him so much. He basically recaps what happened last night and says Punk deserves his rematch against Cena as does Alberto. So instead there will be a Triple Threat Hell in a Cell match for the title. . He tries to explain to Punk he isn’t involved in the conspiracy, but he has no problem kicking his ass again. Punk points out somebody is playing them both when Johnny I’m Not Too Obvious Ace interrupts to deflect this. Trips has to remind him again who works for who as Punk claims Johnny wanted his job. Triple H also promises a firing and that he isn’t firing Punk like he said he might when Johnny tries to do it. Oh yay a firing! A firing!

Random Commercial Thought: Xbox keeps hanging in there.

Christian & Mucguillitunga & Wade Barrett vs. Justin Gabriel & Air Boom & Sheamus

Everybody got the jobber entrance. Mike starts off with Justin and eats a dropkick. Kofi tags I for a double team sunset flip. Air Boom then double teams with an awesome flying stomp set up for Evan. Evan and Kofi got awesome matching outfits now. Mike puts Evan down and tags out to Otunga who destroys him with a clothesline and proceeds to taunt around. Otunga follows with a scoop slam and tags out to Wade. Glad to know they are getting along now for no reason. Evan takes a back breaker from Wade and Christia is in now. Christian keeps the pressure on Evan and drops him with a sharp punch before taunting Sheamus so that we know Sheamus is going to win this match. Evan tries to fight back with kicks but Christian cuts him short only to run into an awesome flying knee. Evan comes up short on the tag as Otunga tags in.

Otunga sucks hard and lets Bourne make the tag like a retard. Sheamus face rolls Otunga and drops him with the back breaker for two. The heels jump him and all hell breaks loose. Kofi lands a top rope cross body on Wade as JR drops the WWF bomb. Christian tries to spear Sheamus, but he turns around at the last moment to boot Christian. Otunga tries to get in on this and eats a brogue kick and Celtic cross. Sheamus wisely decides not to come in on that.

Winners: Faces

I’ve learned from Shamus’ theme that Ireland must be hell. Triple H is getting a bitching from the refs that Miz and Truth are going to beat them all up. He tells him to send Miz and Truth to him as Alberto shows up to bitch up at him too. Trips spends this entire segment trying to figure out how to use a tie. Alberto says he is praying for McMahon to come back as Triple H says Alberto is going to need prayers at HIAC.

Random Commercial Thought: Maybe I should stop watching the British broadcast. The accents annoy me. I’m pretty sure Guru Larry voices all of them.

Back to the show where CENA DEFIED DESTINY. Yep. What a great underdog. Ricardo is hear to do his normal job again this week. At least Cena didn’t steal the car again this night (King claims a joy ride doesn’t count).

John Morrison vs. Alberto Del Rio

Remember that time Morrison was getting a push before Melina was fired? He gets absolutely crushed in the beginning from the start and then Alberto starts to rack his arm over the bottom rope and lock in the cross arm bar. Wow. Winner: Ricardo

Morrison just got squashed in less than a minute. Hugh Jackman is up next, star of totally not Rock-Em Sock-em Robots.

Random Commercial Thought: Gears of War 3, now with the Cloverfield monster.

Hugh is in the back talking shit as the commercial break seems to have ended completely late, and then suddenly blacks out. Oh well, it probably wasn’t important. In fact, it was probably retarded. When we’re back, Hugh gets announced and I take a beer break. When I think wrestling. I think Hugh Jackman. He’s British? It involved Vickie coming out to horn it up over Hugh’s body. Uh. Jesus. Help me. The segment is stupid and just plays up Dolph as jealous before Hugh grabs a sign from the crowd to announce Dolph’s next opponent as being Zack Ryder who apparently is greater than Wolverine.

We then see a limo. Must be Ryder!…oh it’s Truth and Miz who are now hanging together in the parking lot as Johnny Ace approaches them to say Triple H wants them. They legit apologize for the incidents last night before heading off. Huh. They took that pretty well.

Random Commercial Thought: Who’s got the power? Dommammu got the power.

Back to the show where Sin Cara appears and Cole declares him to be the original. It probably is since he is wrestling a heel tonight and not a face. But after he squares off, the music hit’s a second time and another Sin Cara appears! Those mirror matches. The crowd seems to not give a single shit about this. Apparently he is the original because he had a better leap or something. Come on, people. One is way fucking bigger than the other. Where did Cody Rhodes go? Did he get swallowed? At least the crowd has the cheers right as to which is which. Heel Sin Cara attacks Face Cara and starts to beat him around until Face Cara backflips and slides around. They BOTH manage to botch the same move on each other and a monkey flip. Face Cara sends him out with a dropkick and back flips off the ropes into a barrel roll to show off.

Triple H is now trying to figure out how to use a coffee machine when R-Truth and Miz show up. They both apologize and say they no longer believe he is part of the conspiracy, but the ref still probably is. Truth even apologizes to the Little Jimmies out there. Triple H finally accepts their apology before fining them each $250,000 a piece. He then makes a match for them against Punk and Cena. Punk gets a mild pop, but the crowd pops big for Cena. I noticed Trips has a ludicrous King of Kings crown. They play a rip off of the Pirates theme as we see Mark Henry’s big World Title victory last night.

Random Commercial Thought: England is weird.

Mark Henry is out for an interview with JR. He whines about how much nobody ever believed in him, especially until Randy Orton got so fucking annoying. Henry demands an apology from Jim. He starts to choke his ass out and Jerry Lawler decides to intervene to big cheers. Why the fuck is Jerry so over? He gets dropped like a bad habit (Mark Henry’s bad habit is ding dongs). Henry proceeds to destroy the announce desk and put Lawler through it. He should have put him through Cole.

Random Commercial Thought: Guess they have to go get Matthews.

Yep, there he is. Back to the show for Kelly Kelly. Oh, I needed another break. Her finisher is a fucking roll up. She’s still champion and she beat Beth the same way she’s been beating everyone. With her dreaded Roll up. Beth and Natalya should be pissed they are being fed to the worst Diva push in recent history. Santina’s push was better. Guess what? It was another fucking roll up. Seriously. FOUR ROLL UPS IN A ROW? Fuck you. They also say Kelly is on a roll, despite Eve winning this one. Hugh is talking to Ryder about how pathetic he is making him perfect for taking on Dolp. This is like the plot to Blazing Saddles.

Random Commercial Thought: Everyone should be allowed to drink beer in space.

And now a trailer for Real Steel. They are just full of breaks tonight. Dolph got a jobber entrance. I really like Zack’s theme song.

Internet Champion Zack Ryder vs. United States Champion Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie Guerrero (Non-Title Match…for both)

Zack tries Kelly’s finisher and gets two. He gets a big chant from the crowd as he beats Dolph down into the corner and runs him down with a kick to the side of the head for two. He asks the ref if he’s serious, bro. Dolph clocks him with a big kick to the jaw and stomps Ryder down while shit talking Ryder. He delivers a nice neck breaker before getting distracted by Hugh for another Kelly finisher for two. Zack gets immediately dropped for two from Dolph as well before Dolph goes for the dreaded headlock. Dolph beats him into the corner with hard strikes before running into a big kick. They then clothesline each other. Vickie bitchslaps Ryder in the face when he tries to climb up the ropes, but the ref ejects her. Hugh proceeds to over animatedly sneak up and clock Dolph right in the jaw to set up the Rough Ryder.

Winner: Ryder Heeeey, he cheated!

Random Commercial Thought: Pepridge Farm Remembers.

Back to the show where Swagger gets a video package of all people. They try to play him up as if he didn’t go through a period where he was just Michael Cole’s bitch. He shows up to grin over Vickie about his video package saying it was more impressive than Dolph did. Are they going to fuck? Can she gives blow jobs with those huge fucking teeth? She accepts him as a new stable member. I see a look on his face that says “God, this is what my career has come to.” Punk is in the back limbering up when he turns to come face to face with John Cena. Cena says they are both more alike than they think. Cena/Punk duel chants are going on in the background of this scene. Cena needlessly recaps that they are doing Triple Threat in Hell in a Cell and that there will be a firing tonight in case you weren’t watching.

Miz and Truth come out and rap the “You Suck” song as they come out. I love this.

Random Commercial Thought: I need more blades on my guns.

Back to the show for the main event.

CM Punk & John Cena vs. The Awesome Truth

Punk makes fun of the female crowd reaction for Cena taking his shirt off. Cena starts off with the Miz who shakes Little Naitch’s hand before the match and apologizes. Cena and Miz lay into each other with Cena taking the advantage and hitting the bulldog out of the corner for one. Punk tags in and hops in all happy for some double team arm drag. Punk picks up a quick two count. Miz lays a knee into him and runs to Truth who gets tripped up and owned as well. Northern Lights from Punk on Truth gets two. I haven’t seen an accurately performed Northern Light suplex in forever. Punk gets big cheers as he scoop slams Truth and drags him over for some chicken wing leg pulling with Cena that gets two.

Truth runs away to another tag and Miz looks unhappy to have to get back in. Miz gets tripped into an STF, but he slips out before he can get it on. Cena/sucks chants again while Cena eats the kneeling DDT for two.

Random Commercial Thought: What the fuck is this guy’s accent?

Miz is in control of the match right now and starts fighting with Charles about the count on Cena, but Truth has to get in between them to stop things. Charles has to yell at him to leave the ring as Cena almost makes a tag when Miz returns to his senses and blocks to drag him back. Truth manages to get a two count off on Cena when he tags in and works a headlock because that is Superman’s real vulnerability. Headlocks. Cena continues to play face in peril for a while as Miz comes in. Miz stomps away at Cena and starts humping him in the face for some reason. Cena delivers his little suplex move that I’ve forgotten the name of out of nowhere. Truth manages to block Cena and apparently this tag team really IS called Awesome Truth? Truth and Miz play nice and don’t even cheat on Cena. Truth delivers a knockout shot and gets two. Truth gets upset about this count as well before tagging out to Miz.

Cena manages to break away for the tag finally and tag in to Punk who goes into his own fives moves of doom. He signals a GTS after his Pepsi One and springboard clothesline, but Miz fights out of it. Miz almost hits Truth off the apron thanks to Punk, but gets shoved into him anyway for the GTS rebound.

Winners: Punk & Cena

They stare down and Triple H comes out. He points at Punk and tells him…good match before firing Miz and Truth. Damn. He’s then asked about it in the back when Truth and Miz jump his ass and beat the holy fucking shit out of him. Luckily they did this in front of the entire WWE locker room who were just sitting there for no reason and they eject them from the building.

Highlight of the Night: The eight man tag was an okay TV match. Everything else was really meh.

Lowlight of the Night: Can you say Diva’s match? Knew you could.

WWE “Creative” Award: Where is this conspiracy angle going? Into a stable idea I don’t care about.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.