WWE
RAW RANT:
(09/14/09)
By Cameron Burge

Welcome back. Much to my complete shock, we have a new WWE champion in John Cena who won with a chain or some crap. Montreal got shat on proverbially by a parody of the famous Montreal incident that I’m sure Vince chuckled like a giddy school-child over, leaving CM Punk to retain. The most surprising though is DX actually lost. Who suddenly gave Trips and Shawn a conscience to put people over? Why the fuck are they putting over the worst people possible outside of The Mix?

Raw 09.14.09

Show opens with a recap of last night before Batista arrives with his arm in cast. Supposedly he’s going to make a career altering decision tonight apparently. Maybe he’s going to finally drop the roids? HAHA yeah I’m just kidding. Probably added more fiber to his diet. Batista thanks all of us for a while and gets all depressing saying it’s been a rough year for him because he’s become as brittle as Kevin Nash. He says he’s here to say goodbye. Randy Orton decides to piss on the parade. Orton says the big bad animal is going out with a whimper and nobody cares. He hilariously gets some big cheers for that. He says Batista is retiring because of him not his health. Batista says he knows something Orton doesn’t and clothesline him, revealing he’s either been healed miraculously or was fine all along. Orton run and Batista reveals he is going to Smackdown but Trish has given him a No Holds Barred match against Orton tonight. Sucks to be him.

Random Commercial Thought: Pirates of the Caribbean, killing legends one over-acted line at a time.

Back to the show for Trish. OMFG SHE’S NOT A BLONDE?! I’ve been lied to all these years! LIIIIIEEEED. She gets very few cheers as this crowd seems as dead as whatever your closest dead relative is. I hope you feel bad now. She says she knows Raw and knows what we want and yet she refuses to take her top off. I call bullshit. She goes on to make Orton/Cena Hell in a Cell for the next PPV. Damn this crowd is dead. I can’t get over how quiet they are. Oh Primo has his own theme now? Apparently he’s teaming up with Kofi against Miz and Jack Swagger.

The Miz & Jack Swagger vs. US Champion Kofi Kingston & Primo Colon

Miz starts with Primo and then turns to sucker punch Kofi on the apron. Primo tries to leap over Miz in the corner only to get caught and slammed. Double team stomps lead to a tag for Swagger who picks up two off of a body slam. Swagger taunts and pummels Primo some more before trying a body splash that eats him some knees to the gut. Primo makes the tag and Kofi levels Swagger for Boom Boom Boom. Miz cuts him off on the apron and Kofi knocks him off before delivering that weir’d flip over leg sweep for two on Swagger. Kofi leaps to some mounted punches and Miz steals the US belt which distracts him enough (Did a WHITE man just steal my bling?!) to allow Swagger to get the gut wrench in for three.
Winners: Swagger & Miz

Miz just takes a walk with the belt as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Bruce Lee was kind of an asshole.

Back to the show where Mickie James who ironically looks like Trish again in hair style now. That’s amusing. Trish made the match Mickie is here to watch a #1 contender’s match. It was accidentally announced as a triple threat match, but oh well. Alicia Fox is up against Gail Kim here and I have to wonder why either one is up for a shot at the belt. Oh well, Alicia is freakishly hot so I’ll forgive.

Gail Kim vs. Alicia Fox (#1 Contender’s Match)

Gail  tries to leap onto Alicia’s back and gets slung off into a weird arm drag by Gail. Alicia tumbles to the floor out of a head scissors a dropkick through the ropes catches her in the face before Alicia catches her with a back breaker in the ring for two. Alicia works  the arm and I have to wonder why I’m seeing a rest hold in a women’s match. Alicia  bridges a northern lights suplex for one. And now a body scissors. ANOTHER rest hold? Is this a Randy Orton match? They knock each other down now before Gail is up and leaps to the top. She kicks Alicia in the jaw before leaping off into a cross body for two. Alicia tosses Gail into the corner but she slips out and goes up top again but completely bombs the flying head scissors. Gail stumbles up into the Scissor Kick that hits Gail square in the back instead of the head like our announce team would like to claim. Alicia picks up the three.
Winner: Alicia

Random Commercial Thought: I don’t promote burgers, I just stuff my face with them.

Back to the show where we get a recap of the bad blood between Batista and Orton. Trish is in the back when she turns to come face to face with Beth Phoenix. My God she’s a large woman in comparison. She wants to know why she wasn’t in the match when Jericho cuts her off to mention Trish was madly in love with him once and then he sent her packing. Didn’t she cheat on him and make out with Christian? O w8 I c wut u did there. Ironically all three people are opposite of what alignment they used to be….Lawful/Good. Beth says Trish retired to not face her. Trish makes a match for herself against them and says she’ll retrieve a partner for herself. Jericho comes back to make sure she knows he will take on Bob Barker anytime, anywhere. I would too, the old faggot. I want to know how he delivered that line with a straight face.

Random Commercial Thought: Cannibalism is funny.

Back to the show. Legacy arrive to imitate DX and actually get a decent pop in comparison to everything else tonight. They remind us of what just happened last night and we’ve seen it over again. There’s this one kid chanting something really fucking annoying in a high pitched shrill voice but I can’t tell quite what he is saying. He tries to scream it even louder at one point and suddenly is cut silent in mid-word which makes me think someone else finally slapped him upside the head. Oh, and Legacy continue to boast but I thought the kid issue was more important to talk about. And now commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: I wish I wish I wish I were a fish.

Back to the show where Shawn and Trips wander out for the matchup.

Shawn Michaels w/ Triple H vs. Ted Dibaise w/ Cody Rhodes

Dibiase starts off hard with heavy blows, sending Shawn running until he comes back with some right of his own and a power slam. Michaels stomps Dibiase down but when Ted regains his footing he returns the power slam favor. Dibiase works a headlock. I’m beginning to think in years to come, long after Orton has retired whenever a wrestler works an unnecessarily large number of chinlocks and other rest holds, they’re going to refer to it as the Orton School of wrestling. It saddens my soul. Dibiase stomps Michaels back down when he tries to break free….and goes back to the headlock. Good God. Rhodes distracts the ref for a bit so Cody can get in some shenanigans.

They fight to their feet and Michaels gets leveled again, pounded down to the ground. He finally rallies back and takes Dibaise down with a big punch that sends them both down. Michaels tries a clothesline but Rhodes tries to put a cobra clutch on but Shawn dives to the corner to send Dibaise face first into the turnbuckle. The crowd finally wakes up with HBK chants and Michaels reverses a pile driver but dumping Dibiase to the floor. Michaels delivers his general offense as Dibaise comes back in and tackles for mounted punches before climbing up top and delivering the elbow. Shawn tunes up the band but Cody grabs his legs from outside and racks him on the ring post, prompting the DQ.
Winner: Michaels

DX and Legacy start to brawl on the floor with Shawn and Dibiase spilling into the crowd while Trips and Rhodes fight on the announce table. We cut to commercial when the fight knocks out our camera guy sending the camera flying around dizzyingly.

Random Commercial Thought: Get to tha choppa!

Back to the show where King claims DX knocked them off the air because apparently THE ENTIRE BROADCASTING EQUIPMENT must have been at the announce desk. Evan Bourne arrives with Hornswoggle. I’m so sick of this I could cry. Chavo bring Carlito and Rosa Mendez with him.

Carlito Caribbean Cool & Chavo Guerrero w/ Rosa Mendez vs. Hornswoggle & Evan Bourne

Carlito starts off with…Hornswoggle….god. Hornswoggle steals Carlito’s apple and runs to the tag. Carlito tries to chase but gets caught by a sunset flip from Evan for two. Chavo tags in and Bourne tricks him into a leap frog and delivers a dropkick. Hornswoggle kicks Chavo’s legs out from under him on the apron. Back in the ring, Chavo regains control as Carlito tags in and works the tiny little man over. Not Horny, I mean Bourne. Carlito and Chavo double team and stomp on Bourne all over the ring before Chavo flips in with a senton to a chin lock. Bourne fights back with kicks to the leg and a head scissors. Bourne takes Carlito off the apron and  runs into an elbow from Chavo but a wheel kick puts Chavo down for two when Carlito breaks it up. Bourne delivers a huge overhead kick to Carlito while the crowd is STILL dead as can be. Bourne drags Chavo to the corner and signals a tadpole splash before going off to a suicide dive on Carlito. Chavo
 catches Hornswoggle on the top but Horny spits apple in his face and delivers the splash for three.
Winners: Chavo & Carlito

I think from now on whenever there is a Hornswoggle and Chavo match I’m just going to replace it with excerpts of dialogue from Uwe Boll movies. Chavo says he gives up trying to beat Hornswoggle now. Great, so he never even beat him? Ridiculous.

Random Commercial Thought: That lady doesn’t own Popeyes.

Back to the show for John Cena in the back. He probably gets the biggest pop of the night we’ve had so far but it’s still pretty mild. Cena makes a speech which I kind of ignore. I like to think he spoke on economical reform and told all the dirty Canadians to take showers with their maple syrup shampoo. Trish Stratus heads out for her match. Did her boobs shrink? Were those real fake boobs or fake fake boobs? MVP turns out to be her partner and I got to wonder when he woke up one day and decided to cut the sleeves off of all of his body suits. Maybe he was feeling particularly manly that day or he just thought to himself “My outfit doesn’t look gay enough yet.”

Random Commercial Thought: Apples are good for you unless you’re in I Wanna Be The Guy.

Back to the show where Jericho and Beth finally get out. I’ve always wondered how awkward it is when only one half of a match comes in before commercials. Do they just stand around in the ring forever? Do they have a little singing contest? Do they force the audience to listen to their theme music the whole freaking time?

Trish Stratus & MVP vs. Beth Phoenix & Chris Jericho

Trish starts off with Beth here. Beth forces her to the corner, hoisting Trish up to slam her in. She kicks her down to the ground but Trish rallies back with punches and chops in the corner. Eeeew she licked her palm first. Trish tried to use the Matrish but she falls down doing it. Close enough I guess. Jericho tries to come in but MVP sends him to the floor and into the security wall. Big Show comes out then to double team MVP until Mark Henry breaks things up. Show and Jericho run off as Lillian calls the match. Trish decides that’s bullshit and starts a new match.

Random Commercial Thought: Wet is seriously the best name they had?

Back to the new match.

Trish Stratus, Mark Henry & MVP vs. Beth Phoenix & The Unified Tag Team Champions Big Show & Chris Jericho

Big Show is working over MVP and taunting MVP now. Jericho tags in and starts stomping MVP down. MVP manages to down Jericho but Jericho cuts off the tag before he can make it, angering Henry. Henry Smash! BLAAARRG! Jericho works a headlock on MVP in he heel corner while he tries to rally back. MVP hit’s a power slam but a big boot misses. Jericho runs and tags in Beth. MVP demands Jericho back while Beth shoves him around. MVP catches a kick from her and drags her to the corner for the tag to Trish.

Trish tackles for some punches and demands to do a double team Ballin’ to Beth. Isn’t that against the rules? MVP suicide dives Jericho on the floor but Big Show trips Trish from behind. Henry tackles Big Show on the outside while Beth covers for a two count. Beth kicks her back down but Trish is up and hit’s the Stratusphere and Stratusphaction for the three.
Winners: MVP, Stratus & Henry

Random Commercial Thought: X-men should never make a live action movie. Ever. Again.

Back to the show. Orton and Batista make their incredibly slow entrances and by the time both drag their inflated asses out to the ring, it’s already over time for tonight’s show.

Randy Orton vs. Batista (No Holds Barred)

Orton immediately dives to the floor for a chair but Batista kicks it out of his hand and rather than use it himself as a weapon just throws Orton into the ring and chases. Orton tries to get his mid-rope DDT but Batista forces him to the corner with shoulder charges. Orton rolls to the floor and fetches a weapon under the ring but he’s clotheslined before being able to use it. Orton gouges the eye. Orton works Batista down for a moment before getting the chair again only to step back into the ring into a spear. Batista slams him over a table several times before tossing him past the announce team.Is it just me or did Batista get his tats changed or darkened? Batista chokes Orton out for a bit.

Back in the ring, Orton tries an RKO but Batista counters into a Sambo suplex. Orton tries to run down the aisle but he’s cut off by Cena. Cena just levels him with a clothesline and sends Orton back to the ring for a spine buster and Batista Bomb.
Winner: Batista

That’s all she wrote folks The good guys won and all was right in the world.

Highlight of the Night: Chavo claims the idiocy vs. Horny is over for good? God I hope so.

Lowlight of the Night: Alicia Fox bombs half of her moves and challenges for the Diva’s title. Sigh.

WWE “Creative” Award: I wish somebody would explain why Legacy are suddenly super strong for no fucking reason.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.