Much to my complete shock, we have a new WWE
champion in John Cena who won with a chain or some
crap. Montreal got shat on proverbially by a parody
of the famous Montreal incident that I’m sure Vince
chuckled like a giddy school-child over, leaving CM
Punk to retain. The most surprising though is DX
actually lost. Who suddenly gave Trips and Shawn a
conscience to put people over? Why the fuck are they
putting over the worst people possible outside of
Show opens with a
recap of last night before Batista arrives with his
arm in cast. Supposedly he’s going to make a career
altering decision tonight apparently. Maybe he’s
going to finally drop the roids? HAHA yeah I’m just
kidding. Probably added more fiber to his diet.
Batista thanks all of us for a while and gets all
depressing saying it’s been a rough year for him
because he’s become as brittle as Kevin Nash. He
says he’s here to say goodbye. Randy Orton decides
to piss on the parade. Orton says the big bad animal
is going out with a whimper and nobody cares. He
hilariously gets some big cheers for that. He says
Batista is retiring because of him not his health.
Batista says he knows something Orton doesn’t and
clothesline him, revealing he’s either been healed
miraculously or was fine all along. Orton run and
Batista reveals he is going to Smackdown but Trish
has given him a No Holds Barred match against Orton
tonight. Sucks to be him.
Thought: Pirates of the Caribbean, killing legends
one over-acted line at a time.
Back to the
show for Trish. OMFG SHE’S NOT A BLONDE?! I’ve been
lied to all these years! LIIIIIEEEED. She gets very
few cheers as this crowd seems as dead as whatever
your closest dead relative is. I hope you feel bad
now. She says she knows Raw and knows what we want
and yet she refuses to take her top off. I call
bullshit. She goes on to make Orton/Cena Hell in a
Cell for the next PPV. Damn this crowd is dead. I
can’t get over how quiet they are. Oh Primo has his
own theme now? Apparently he’s teaming up with Kofi
against Miz and Jack Swagger.
The Miz & Jack Swagger vs. US Champion Kofi
Kingston & Primo Colon
Miz starts with
Primo and then turns to sucker punch Kofi on the
apron. Primo tries to leap over Miz in the corner
only to get caught and slammed. Double team stomps
lead to a tag for Swagger who picks up two off of a
body slam. Swagger taunts and pummels Primo some
more before trying a body splash that eats him some
knees to the gut. Primo makes the tag and Kofi
levels Swagger for Boom Boom Boom. Miz cuts him off
on the apron and Kofi knocks him off before
delivering that weir’d flip over leg sweep for two
on Swagger. Kofi leaps to some mounted punches and
Miz steals the US belt which distracts him enough
(Did a WHITE man just steal my bling?!) to allow
Swagger to get the gut wrench in for three.
Winners: Swagger & Miz
Miz just takes a walk
with the belt as we go to commercial.
Commercial Thought: Bruce Lee was kind of an
Back to the show where Mickie James
who ironically looks like Trish again in hair style
now. That’s amusing. Trish made the match Mickie is
here to watch a #1 contender’s match. It was
accidentally announced as a triple threat match, but
oh well. Alicia Fox is up against Gail Kim here and
I have to wonder why either one is up for a shot at
the belt. Oh well, Alicia is freakishly hot so I’ll
Kim vs. Alicia Fox (#1 Contender’s Match)
Gail tries to leap onto Alicia’s back and gets
slung off into a weird arm drag by Gail. Alicia
tumbles to the floor out of a head scissors a
dropkick through the ropes catches her in the face
before Alicia catches her with a back breaker in the
ring for two. Alicia works the arm and I have
to wonder why I’m seeing a rest hold in a women’s
match. Alicia bridges a northern lights suplex
for one. And now a body scissors. ANOTHER rest hold?
Is this a Randy Orton match? They knock each other
down now before Gail is up and leaps to the top. She
kicks Alicia in the jaw before leaping off into a
cross body for two. Alicia tosses Gail into the
corner but she slips out and goes up top again but
completely bombs the flying head scissors. Gail
stumbles up into the Scissor Kick that hits Gail
square in the back instead of the head like our
announce team would like to claim. Alicia picks up
Commercial Thought: I don’t promote burgers, I just
stuff my face with them.
Back to the show
where we get a recap of the bad blood between
Batista and Orton. Trish is in the back when she
turns to come face to face with Beth Phoenix. My God
she’s a large woman in comparison. She wants to know
why she wasn’t in the match when Jericho cuts her
off to mention Trish was madly in love with him once
and then he sent her packing. Didn’t she cheat on
him and make out with Christian? O w8 I c wut u did
there. Ironically all three people are opposite of
what alignment they used to be….Lawful/Good. Beth
says Trish retired to not face her. Trish makes a
match for herself against them and says she’ll
retrieve a partner for herself. Jericho comes back
to make sure she knows he will take on Bob Barker
anytime, anywhere. I would too, the old faggot. I
want to know how he delivered that line with a
Random Commercial Thought:
Cannibalism is funny.
Back to the show.
Legacy arrive to imitate DX and actually get a
decent pop in comparison to everything else tonight.
They remind us of what just happened last night and
we’ve seen it over again. There’s this one kid
chanting something really fucking annoying in a high
pitched shrill voice but I can’t tell quite what he
is saying. He tries to scream it even louder at one
point and suddenly is cut silent in mid-word which
makes me think someone else finally slapped him
upside the head. Oh, and Legacy continue to boast
but I thought the kid issue was more important to
talk about. And now commercials.
Commercial Thought: I wish I wish I wish I were a
Back to the show where Shawn and Trips
wander out for the matchup.
Shawn Michaels w/ Triple H vs. Ted
Dibaise w/ Cody Rhodes
off hard with heavy blows, sending Shawn running
until he comes back with some right of his own and a
power slam. Michaels stomps Dibiase down but when
Ted regains his footing he returns the power slam
favor. Dibiase works a headlock. I’m beginning to
think in years to come, long after Orton has retired
whenever a wrestler works an unnecessarily large
number of chinlocks and other rest holds, they’re
going to refer to it as the Orton School of
wrestling. It saddens my soul. Dibiase stomps
Michaels back down when he tries to break free….and
goes back to the headlock. Good God. Rhodes
distracts the ref for a bit so Cody can get in some
They fight to their feet and
Michaels gets leveled again, pounded down to the
ground. He finally rallies back and takes Dibaise
down with a big punch that sends them both down.
Michaels tries a clothesline but Rhodes tries to put
a cobra clutch on but Shawn dives to the corner to
send Dibaise face first into the turnbuckle. The
crowd finally wakes up with HBK chants and Michaels
reverses a pile driver but dumping Dibiase to the
floor. Michaels delivers his general offense as
Dibaise comes back in and tackles for mounted
punches before climbing up top and delivering the
elbow. Shawn tunes up the band but Cody grabs his
legs from outside and racks him on the ring post,
prompting the DQ.
Legacy start to brawl on the floor with Shawn and
Dibiase spilling into the crowd while Trips and
Rhodes fight on the announce table. We cut to
commercial when the fight knocks out our camera guy
sending the camera flying around dizzyingly.
Random Commercial Thought: Get to tha choppa!
Back to the show where King claims DX knocked them
off the air because apparently THE ENTIRE
BROADCASTING EQUIPMENT must have been at the
announce desk. Evan Bourne arrives with Hornswoggle.
I’m so sick of this I could cry. Chavo bring Carlito
and Rosa Mendez with him.
Carlito Caribbean Cool & Chavo Guerrero w/ Rosa
Mendez vs. Hornswoggle & Evan Bourne
Carlito starts off with…Hornswoggle….god.
Hornswoggle steals Carlito’s apple and runs to the
tag. Carlito tries to chase but gets caught by a
sunset flip from Evan for two. Chavo tags in and
Bourne tricks him into a leap frog and delivers a
dropkick. Hornswoggle kicks Chavo’s legs out from
under him on the apron. Back in the ring, Chavo
regains control as Carlito tags in and works the
tiny little man over. Not Horny, I mean Bourne.
Carlito and Chavo double team and stomp on Bourne
all over the ring before Chavo flips in with a
senton to a chin lock. Bourne fights back with kicks
to the leg and a head scissors. Bourne takes Carlito
off the apron and runs into an elbow from
Chavo but a wheel kick puts Chavo down for two when
Carlito breaks it up. Bourne delivers a huge
overhead kick to Carlito while the crowd is STILL
dead as can be. Bourne drags Chavo to the corner and
signals a tadpole splash before going off to a
suicide dive on Carlito. Chavo
Hornswoggle on the top but Horny spits apple in his
face and delivers the splash for three.
Chavo & Carlito
I think from now on whenever
there is a Hornswoggle and Chavo match I’m just
going to replace it with excerpts of dialogue from
Uwe Boll movies. Chavo says he gives up trying to
beat Hornswoggle now. Great, so he never even beat
Random Commercial Thought:
That lady doesn’t own Popeyes.
Back to the
show for John Cena in the back. He probably gets the
biggest pop of the night we’ve had so far but it’s
still pretty mild. Cena makes a speech which I kind
of ignore. I like to think he spoke on economical
reform and told all the dirty Canadians to take
showers with their maple syrup shampoo. Trish
Stratus heads out for her match. Did her boobs
shrink? Were those real fake boobs or fake fake
boobs? MVP turns out to be her partner and I got to
wonder when he woke up one day and decided to cut
the sleeves off of all of his body suits. Maybe he
was feeling particularly manly that day or he just
thought to himself “My outfit doesn’t look gay
Random Commercial Thought:
Apples are good for you unless you’re in I Wanna Be
Back to the show where Jericho and
Beth finally get out. I’ve always wondered how
awkward it is when only one half of a match comes in
before commercials. Do they just stand around in the
ring forever? Do they have a little singing contest?
Do they force the audience to listen to their theme
music the whole freaking time?
Trish Stratus & MVP vs. Beth
Phoenix & Chris Jericho
off with Beth here. Beth forces her to the corner,
hoisting Trish up to slam her in. She kicks her down
to the ground but Trish rallies back with punches
and chops in the corner. Eeeew she licked her palm
first. Trish tried to use the Matrish but she falls
down doing it. Close enough I guess. Jericho tries
to come in but MVP sends him to the floor and into
the security wall. Big Show comes out then to double
team MVP until Mark Henry breaks things up. Show and
Jericho run off as Lillian calls the match. Trish
decides that’s bullshit and starts a new match.
Random Commercial Thought: Wet is seriously the best
name they had?
Back to the new match.
Trish Stratus, Mark Henry & MVP vs. Beth Phoenix &
The Unified Tag Team Champions Big Show & Chris
Big Show is working over MVP
and taunting MVP now. Jericho tags in and starts
stomping MVP down. MVP manages to down Jericho but
Jericho cuts off the tag before he can make it,
angering Henry. Henry Smash! BLAAARRG! Jericho works
a headlock on MVP in he heel corner while he tries
to rally back. MVP hit’s a power slam but a big boot
misses. Jericho runs and tags in Beth. MVP demands
Jericho back while Beth shoves him around. MVP
catches a kick from her and drags her to the corner
for the tag to Trish.
Trish tackles for some
punches and demands to do a double team Ballin’ to
Beth. Isn’t that against the rules? MVP suicide
dives Jericho on the floor but Big Show trips Trish
from behind. Henry tackles Big Show on the outside
while Beth covers for a two count. Beth kicks her
back down but Trish is up and hit’s the Stratusphere
and Stratusphaction for the three.
Stratus & Henry
Random Commercial Thought:
X-men should never make a live action movie. Ever.
Back to the show. Orton and Batista
make their incredibly slow entrances and by the time
both drag their inflated asses out to the ring, it’s
already over time for tonight’s show.
Randy Orton vs. Batista (No Holds Barred)
Orton immediately dives to the floor for a chair but
Batista kicks it out of his hand and rather than use
it himself as a weapon just throws Orton into the
ring and chases. Orton tries to get his mid-rope DDT
but Batista forces him to the corner with shoulder
charges. Orton rolls to the floor and fetches a
weapon under the ring but he’s clotheslined before
being able to use it. Orton gouges the eye. Orton
works Batista down for a moment before getting the
chair again only to step back into the ring into a
spear. Batista slams him over a table several times
before tossing him past the announce team.Is it just
me or did Batista get his tats changed or darkened?
Batista chokes Orton out for a bit.
the ring, Orton tries an RKO but Batista counters
into a Sambo suplex. Orton tries to run down the
aisle but he’s cut off by Cena. Cena just levels him
with a clothesline and sends Orton back to the ring
for a spine buster and Batista Bomb.
That’s all she wrote folks The good
guys won and all was right in the world.
Highlight of the Night:
Chavo claims the idiocy vs. Horny is over for good?
God I hope so.
Lowlight of the Night: Alicia Fox bombs half
of her moves and challenges for the Diva’s title.
WWE “Creative” Award: I wish
somebody would explain why Legacy are suddenly super
strong for no fucking reason.
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Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the
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SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).