I’m not sure why we now
consider Raw to have seasons when it never even
takes a night off unless a popular active wrestler
dies. At any rate this is the Season Premiere!….one
week after the Season finale? Was last week’s
episode even billed as that? Furthermore, you would
think season premieres should be around a big PPV
like Wrestlemania not randomly assigned. I don’t
remember when they introduced this, but Cena and
Orton have to take on each other in a tables match.
The show opens things up
with Cena and Orton standing in front of the
roulette wheel. Josh tells us every match will be
determined by the wheel. Cena has Eve turn the wheel
for him as “Lady Luck” and it turns up as a Tables
Match. Josh reminds us that Cena’s last tables match
was when he lost the title to Sheamus and Cena
thanks him for being a fucking douche.
theme and pyro immediately following this segment
after a stupidly artsy zoom in on the WWE logo on
the spinning wheel. We then receive an introduction
for some NFL football player and I instantly
couldn’t care less since I don’t watch football,
have no idea who this guy is, and can’t even
pronounce his ludicrous fucking name. He claims he’s
the best guest star ever or something and gets
interrupted by the Miz. Oh good. I can pronounce
that name. Miz points out they are from the same
place, but he’s actually a champion and the Bengals
fucking suck. I’m going to assume that is true. It
probably is. Apparently this crowd really digs their
football (probably nothing else to do when not
giving your parents a hand job). Yeah, I went there
and insulted your home town if you live there (it
probably doesn’t matter).
This segment being
mostly pointless pandering to the location, it drags
on for five minutes and has the GM interrupting to
demand a wheel spin on Raw Roulette for the Miz.
It’s a submission match and the GM continues to say
that the Chad Nameunpronounceable gets to pick his
opponent. It’s of course, Daniel Bryan.
Random Commercial Thought: Alfred Hitchcock lost his
virginity to a bird. That’s what I gained from this
commercial. Maybe I wasn’t paying attention.
We return to the match in progress.
Daniel Bryan vs. US Champion The Miz w/ Alex
Riley (Non-Title Submission Match)
Bryan bombs a dropkick in the corner, hanging
himself up and allowing for a chop block from the
Miz who has Alex Riley at ringside now. So much for
that “Winner gets a contract” thing for NXT, which
seems to have not been carried out as stated yet.
Miz suplexes Bryan onto the rope by his leg and
works it over the rope by kicking it too. Miz puts
on a pretty cruddy Figure Four leglock, but Bryan
flips it over. Bryan tries for the Labell Lock, but
Miz makes the ropes immediately. Miz takes a trip to
the floor to whine and Alex keeps asking if he’s
okay with Miz shoving him off. Miz holds his gut and
looks like he’s about to puke, which would make for
an interesting throwback to Kronik, pre-parapeligia.
Miz grabs a microphone to say he thinks he has a
hernia. He says he’s dropping out of the match to
make sure he will be able to defend his title at the
PPV, declaring Bryan the winner. Miz cuts off the
declaration saying he doesn’t forfeit and
Daniel Bryan vs. Alex Riley w/ The Miz (Submission
Um, can you make matches like
that? Alex starts off with big punches and kicks. He
works a leg hold on Bryan, but Bryan just flips out
of it into the Labell Lock for the win.
Miz attacks after the match, and Cole
pulls a 180 by saying Miz is hurt legit and then
saying Bryan deserves this. I love his logic now.
They’ve turned him into a Tea Party member of
logical reasoning. Miz rubs his face in the title,
literally, before letting him stand up into the
Skull-Crushing Finale, but Bryan counters it into
the Labell Lock. The ref has to drag him off.
And now for something completely different, Jillian
Hall and Edge singing “Spin Me Right Round” while
they spin the wheel. I am horrified. At least she’s
kind of hot. God the wheel is still going, is it
greased to all hell or something?
Commercial Thought: How many fucking nuggets do you
Back to the show. Apparently all of
the Bengals are here. Edge is on his way out to the
ring as I guess he got tired of staring at WWE’s
perpetual motion machine. Apparently he’s wrestling
Evan “I stand no chance” Bourne. Oh, also, they
announce this as a body slam challenge so we they
didn’t have to rig the roulette wheel for another
shot I guess.
Bourne vs. Edge (Body Slam Challenge)
Edge immediately goes for the slam but Bourne slips
out into some kicks, forcing him to the corner. Edge
catches him out of a leapfrog in the corner, but
Bourne holds onto the ropes to try and prevent
another slam. Edge drags him down the ropes with
Bourne hanging on for dear life, only to slip out
and deck Edge with a massive kick to the jaw. Bourne
scoops Edge, but is bent back into an Edge-o-matic
instead. Edge then finishes with the body slam.
I’m absolutely shocked. Who
would have though Edge could ever body slam a man
who probably weighs ten pounds soak and wet. Edge
spears him after the match. We receive an e-mail
after the match. The GM puts him in another body
slam challenge for taking advantage of Bourne
against Mark Henry.
Mark Henry vs. Edge (Body Slam Challenge)
Edge dodges a charge from Henry and kicks into him
in the corner. Henry forces him out and misses
another body splash in the corner. Edge fails to
body slam him, so Henry just scoops him up for his
own slam instead.
continues his bromance with Bourne at ringside after
Random Commercial Thought: 3D
movies need to stop raping wallets.
Back to the show where Ted Dibiase and Maryse
are headed to the ring for a Roulette Wheel Match we
also didn’t get to see that is a “Song and Dance”
match between them and R-Truth with Eve. One of them
has to sing and one of them has to dance. Let’s
ignore this entirely. Truth has to cut off his
shitty music though. At least it’s an ever so
slightly better song. Moving on….Ted offers to
forfeit. I would. He goes ahead with it and things
end with a fight of course. Eve and Truth get the
better of things and send Maryse and Ted running to
lick their wounds. The black man is keeping the
white man’s music down. Oh god, he’s singing again.
We cut the back for William Regal watching the
wheel. He asks what a Trading Places match is, and
Chad tells him it’s dressing up like the opponent.
When he asks the stupid question of who that is,
Goldust approaches from behind (the most horrifying
sentence any wrestler can ever hear). Sheamus
arrives to learn that is Morrison beats him in their
match, he gets to take Jericho’s spot in the match.
They come up with a Falls count anywhere match. He
manages to talk some shit on the Bengals and leaves
Chad to chat with the Bella floozies as we go to
Random Commercial Thought: The
King seems to be phasing out of commercials, but
he’ll never phase out of my nightmares.
to the show. Edge is in the back looking all upset.
Ryder shows up to ask him what problem the GM has
with him if he took the GM’s girlfriend. This
segment has the sentence “I’m not a tool, but I will
drop the hammer.” Wow. Edge says if he wins the
title, he’ll stage a holdout with the GM and go MIA
with the belt. Sheamus shows up to say he shouldn’t
hold his breath (Ryder: “BURN!”). He tells Edge to
watch what he does to Morrison.
Elsewhere, Morrison is doing some pullups
randomly in the hallway and suddenly drops to his
knee, spinning around and whips his head back to
sling his hair from his eyes as the camera zooms in.
That was…very action movie of them. He then starts
running through the back and leaping over things.
Oh, apparently he’s doing the French training thing
they based the entire game Mirror’s Edge off of, by
swinging through random obstacles and wall running.
Cole tells us he does this every day. I bet that
gets weird when he suddenly leaps through the drive
up window at windows and vaults over the deep fryer
and the counter before leaping from table to table
and back out the door. Hilariously, King points out
that Cole’s explanation made something awesome
looking sound really damn boring. Sheamus is on his
way to the ring as we cut back to more commercial
with only a less than three minute reprieve.
Random Commercial Thought: You have to take out a
loan to eat at Golden Corral these days.
to the show for a replay of Jericho losing to
Morrison last week.
John Morrison vs. WWE Champion Sheamus (Non-Title
Falls Count Anywhere Match)
gets overpowered by Sheamus and rammed into the
corner, but he manages a quick roll up for two.
Sheamus powers back again only to take a drop kick
for another two. Morrison is chucked to the floor,
but he quickly slides back in to dodge an assault by
Sheamus tries to follow but his feet are kicked out
on the apron and he smacks his face on it. Morrison
slingshots through the ropes into a head scissors, a
very impressive move. Running knee to the face picks
up a two count on the floor. Morrison continues with
kicks, but Sheamus tosses him hard into the ring
barricade, face first. Sheamus charges and gets
dumped into the crowd. Morrison vaults the wall and
dives onto Sheamus for two.
continues to dominate out in the audience, but
Sheamus cuts him off with the Irish Curse
backbreaker. Sheamus hangs him up on the steal gates
and covers Morrison for two. Sheamus misses the pump
kick and manages to destroy a box of apparently
sparklers the way it goes down. Those cost some
Mexican at least five dollars to make. The fight has
spilled onto the stage at this point as Sheamus gets
another two count. Sheamus goes for a powerslam but
Morrison slips free and shoves him out, almost
sending Sheamus off. Morrison kicks at the knees.
Sheamus responds with a knee to the gut and tries to
send him off the stage, but Morrison flips out of
the toss corkscrewing in mid air and landing on his
feet in what can only be described as an amazing
display of athleticism. Sheamus runs down the ramp
to give chase and eats a drop toe hold.
Morrison uses the edge of the stage for the Flash
Kick, getting a two count. Sheamus charges Morrison
into the ring wall for two of his own. Sheamus goes
for a vertical suplex, but Morrison slips free only
to be elbowed. Sheamus decides to say fuck it and
grabs a chair. He waits for Morrison come back out
from behind the ring entrance setup only to realize
Morrison is now on top of it, coming out with a
cross body for two. Jericho then arrives and uses
the chair on Morrison, allowing the cover.
Jericho sets up the chair in
the ring, still wearing his nice suit and proceeds
to pout in it. If only he had ever gotten that pony
he begged and pleaded his parents for that Christmas
when I was eight. I mean uh….commercials!
Random Commercial Thought: Why do we have both
Church’s and Popeye’s?
Jericho is still
sitting in the ring, kicking back. He says he won’t
be going anywhere until he gets exactly what he
wants. He demands restitution. He demands an e-mail
reinstating him into the match. He says if he
doesn’t get what he wants, then he will quit. I
don’t understand…why would anyone care? He says the
WWE will burn in flames without him…which is weird
because that never happened the several other times
he left. He also says he will expose the GM identity
by tracking him down as well and we finally get an
e-mail. Jericho gets a huge pop when he interrupts
Cole’s “May I have your attention…” with “Of course
you have an e-mail, you idiot. Just read it!” Cole
says there is “no chance in hell” that the
ultimatums will work. Jericho points out it can’t be
We get another response and
Jericho interrupts the next announcement from Cole
with just “Shut up! Just read it!” This is
hilarious. The GM makes it a 6 man match again with
an elimination element now and he will put Jericho
back in. Before he can continue, Jericho thanks the
GM and says he will leave Sunday as champion and we
get another E-mail in which the GM says not to ever
interrupt him again…um. Cole, are you the GM? Admit
it, you bitch. The continuation is Jericho has to
win a match right now in his suit. The match is a
Handicap Steel Cage Match against the tag team
We come back from commercial to
Jericho getting his butt kicked by the Dynasty.
Chris Jericho vs. WWE Tag Team Champions The Hart
Dynasty w/ Natalya (Handicap Cage Match)
Smith hits the running power slam and a modified
hart attack that Tyson delivers on foot instead of
off the ropes for some reason. They both try to
climb out but Jericho prevents Tyson. David escapes
however, making it a one on one match instead of a
two on one. This exact strategy is how you lose the
tag team cage matches in Smackdown vs. Raw, because
one person escaping doesn’t get a win. Jericho is
clearly a max level computer. Tyson tries to climb
out of the cage when Jericho opens the door by
sliding through his leg, but his dragged back in by
his pants before his feet make it out. No thanks to
David who could have just fucking pulled him out,
the dick. Jericho continues to put the pressure on,
but his own escape is cut off at the top rope by
Tyson who slams him into the cage and decides
leaping back off the ropes is a way better idea. He
also decides it’s a good idea tto leap into the
Jericho falls to flip him over and
Tyson rolls him up for two, but stands up into a
Sharpshooter. Jericho drags himself to the ropes
which does nothing for him but somehow allows him to
get leverage to work Tyson out of the hold. I have
no idea how that works. Jericho tries to toss Tyson
over his head into the cage and then just walk away,
but Tyson leaps up to the top of the cage and
Jericho has to double take to go stop him. Jericho
is slammed into the cage again and suddenly counters
a Frankenstein into a piledriver off the ropes into
the Walls. Awesome move.
Jericho is back into the match now. Good for him,
Random Commercial Thought: Never march through the
street and sing about fast good. You just look like
Back to the show where William
Regal Dust and Goldust William Regal come out to mix
it up for the Trading Places Match. Regal tries to
protest coming out in the Goldust outfit. He looks
so depressed that this is where his career has come
to. I have to agree. Poor guy. Where did they find
that outfit for him?
William Regal vs. Goldust
He does kind
of look like a gold Joker. Regal pauses at the
beginning of the match to do his best Goldust
impersonation to a huge pop and spits at Dust who
turns away and slips on the brass knux for the win.
It’s been a while since he rocked that gimmick.
Well, I guess one good thing
came of this. Goldust actually got a win and then we
go back to commercial because that segment took up
way too much time of course. I can’t imagine what we
would do without more ads for movies I’ll never go
Random Commercial Thought: Oh look, a
movie I won’t go see!
Orton vs. John Cena : Tables match