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By Cameron Burge

I’m not sure why we now consider Raw to have seasons when it never even takes a night off unless a popular active wrestler dies. At any rate this is the Season Premiere!….one week after the Season finale? Was last week’s episode even billed as that? Furthermore, you would think season premieres should be around a big PPV like Wrestlemania not randomly assigned. I don’t remember when they introduced this, but Cena and Orton have to take on each other in a tables match.

Raw 09.19.10

The show opens things up with Cena and Orton standing in front of the roulette wheel. Josh tells us every match will be determined by the wheel. Cena has Eve turn the wheel for him as “Lady Luck” and it turns up as a Tables Match. Josh reminds us that Cena’s last tables match was when he lost the title to Sheamus and Cena thanks him for being a fucking douche.

We get theme and pyro immediately following this segment after a stupidly artsy zoom in on the WWE logo on the spinning wheel. We then receive an introduction for some NFL football player and I instantly couldn’t care less since I don’t watch football, have no idea who this guy is, and can’t even pronounce his ludicrous fucking name. He claims he’s the best guest star ever or something and gets interrupted by the Miz. Oh good. I can pronounce that name. Miz points out they are from the same place, but he’s actually a champion and the Bengals fucking suck. I’m going to assume that is true. It probably is. Apparently this crowd really digs their football (probably nothing else to do when not giving your parents a hand job). Yeah, I went there and insulted your home town if you live there (it probably doesn’t matter).

This segment being mostly pointless pandering to the location, it drags on for five minutes and has the GM interrupting to demand a wheel spin on Raw Roulette for the Miz. It’s a submission match and the GM continues to say that the Chad Nameunpronounceable gets to pick his opponent. It’s of course, Daniel Bryan.

Random Commercial Thought: Alfred Hitchcock lost his virginity to a bird. That’s what I gained from this commercial. Maybe I wasn’t paying attention.

We return to the match in progress.

Daniel Bryan vs. US Champion The Miz w/ Alex Riley (Non-Title Submission Match)

Bryan bombs a dropkick in the corner, hanging himself up and allowing for a chop block from the Miz who has Alex Riley at ringside now. So much for that “Winner gets a contract” thing for NXT, which seems to have not been carried out as stated yet. Miz suplexes Bryan onto the rope by his leg and works it over the rope by kicking it too. Miz puts on a pretty cruddy Figure Four leglock, but Bryan flips it over. Bryan tries for the Labell Lock, but Miz makes the ropes immediately. Miz takes a trip to the floor to whine and Alex keeps asking if he’s okay with Miz shoving him off. Miz holds his gut and looks like he’s about to puke, which would make for an interesting throwback to Kronik, pre-parapeligia. Miz grabs a microphone to say he thinks he has a hernia. He says he’s dropping out of the match to make sure he will be able to defend his title at the PPV, declaring Bryan the winner. Miz cuts off the declaration saying he doesn’t forfeit and
subs in Alex Riley….uh…

Daniel Bryan vs. Alex Riley w/ The Miz (Submission Match)

Um, can you make matches like that? Alex starts off with big punches and kicks. He works a leg hold on Bryan, but Bryan just flips out of it into the Labell Lock for the win.
Winner: Bryan

Miz attacks after the match, and Cole pulls a 180 by saying Miz is hurt legit and then saying Bryan deserves this. I love his logic now. They’ve turned him into a Tea Party member of logical reasoning. Miz rubs his face in the title, literally, before letting him stand up into the Skull-Crushing Finale, but Bryan counters it into the Labell Lock. The ref has to drag him off.

And now for something completely different, Jillian Hall and Edge singing “Spin Me Right Round” while they spin the wheel. I am horrified. At least she’s kind of hot. God the wheel is still going, is it greased to all hell or something?

Random Commercial Thought: How many fucking nuggets do you NEED?!

Back to the show. Apparently all of the Bengals are here. Edge is on his way out to the ring as I guess he got tired of staring at WWE’s perpetual motion machine. Apparently he’s wrestling Evan “I stand no chance” Bourne. Oh, also, they announce this as a body slam challenge so we they didn’t have to rig the roulette wheel for another shot I guess.

Evan Bourne vs. Edge (Body Slam Challenge)

Edge immediately goes for the slam but Bourne slips out into some kicks, forcing him to the corner. Edge catches him out of a leapfrog in the corner, but Bourne holds onto the ropes to try and prevent another slam. Edge drags him down the ropes with Bourne hanging on for dear life, only to slip out and deck Edge with a massive kick to the jaw. Bourne scoops Edge, but is bent back into an Edge-o-matic instead. Edge then finishes with the body slam.
Winner: Edge

I’m absolutely shocked. Who would have though Edge could ever body slam a man who probably weighs ten pounds soak and wet. Edge spears him after the match. We receive an e-mail after the match. The GM puts him in another body slam challenge for taking advantage of Bourne against Mark Henry.

Mark Henry vs. Edge (Body Slam Challenge)

Edge dodges a charge from Henry and kicks into him in the corner. Henry forces him out and misses another body splash in the corner. Edge fails to body slam him, so Henry just scoops him up for his own slam instead.
Winner: Henry

Henry continues his bromance with Bourne at ringside after the match.

Random Commercial Thought: 3D movies need to stop raping wallets.

Back to the show where Ted Dibiase and Maryse are headed to the ring for a Roulette Wheel Match we also didn’t get to see that is a “Song and Dance” match between them and R-Truth with Eve. One of them has to sing and one of them has to dance. Let’s ignore this entirely. Truth has to cut off his shitty music though. At least it’s an ever so slightly better song. Moving on….Ted offers to forfeit. I would. He goes ahead with it and things end with a fight of course. Eve and Truth get the better of things and send Maryse and Ted running to lick their wounds. The black man is keeping the white man’s music down. Oh god, he’s singing again.

We cut the back for William Regal watching the wheel. He asks what a Trading Places match is, and Chad tells him it’s dressing up like the opponent. When he asks the stupid question of who that is, Goldust approaches from behind (the most horrifying sentence any wrestler can ever hear). Sheamus arrives to learn that is Morrison beats him in their match, he gets to take Jericho’s spot in the match. They come up with a Falls count anywhere match. He manages to talk some shit on the Bengals and leaves Chad to chat with the Bella floozies as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: The King seems to be phasing out of commercials, but he’ll never phase out of my nightmares.

Back to the show. Edge is in the back looking all upset. Ryder shows up to ask him what problem the GM has with him if he took the GM’s girlfriend. This segment has the sentence “I’m not a tool, but I will drop the hammer.” Wow. Edge says if he wins the title, he’ll stage a holdout with the GM and go MIA with the belt. Sheamus shows up to say he shouldn’t hold his breath (Ryder: “BURN!”). He tells Edge to watch what he does to Morrison.

Elsewhere, Morrison is doing some pullups randomly in the hallway and suddenly drops to his knee, spinning around and whips his head back to sling his hair from his eyes as the camera zooms in. That was…very action movie of them. He then starts running through the back and leaping over things. Oh, apparently he’s doing the French training thing they based the entire game Mirror’s Edge off of, by swinging through random obstacles and wall running. Cole tells us he does this every day. I bet that gets weird when he suddenly leaps through the drive up window at windows and vaults over the deep fryer and the counter before leaping from table to table and back out the door. Hilariously, King points out that Cole’s explanation made something awesome looking sound really damn boring. Sheamus is on his way to the ring as we cut back to more commercial with only a less than three minute reprieve.

Random Commercial Thought: You have to take out a loan to eat at Golden Corral these days.

Back to the show for a replay of Jericho losing to Morrison last week.

John Morrison vs. WWE Champion Sheamus (Non-Title Falls Count Anywhere Match)

Morrison gets overpowered by Sheamus and rammed into the corner, but he manages a quick roll up for two. Sheamus powers back again only to take a drop kick for another two. Morrison is chucked to the floor, but he quickly slides back in to dodge an assault by Sheamus tries to follow but his feet are kicked out on the apron and he smacks his face on it. Morrison slingshots through the ropes into a head scissors, a very impressive move. Running knee to the face picks up a two count on the floor. Morrison continues with kicks, but Sheamus tosses him hard into the ring barricade, face first. Sheamus charges and gets dumped into the crowd. Morrison vaults the wall and dives onto Sheamus for two.

Morrison continues to dominate out in the audience, but Sheamus cuts him off with the Irish Curse backbreaker. Sheamus hangs him up on the steal gates and covers Morrison for two. Sheamus misses the pump kick and manages to destroy a box of apparently sparklers the way it goes down. Those cost some Mexican at least five dollars to make. The fight has spilled onto the stage at this point as Sheamus gets another two count. Sheamus goes for a powerslam but Morrison slips free and shoves him out, almost sending Sheamus off. Morrison kicks at the knees. Sheamus responds with a knee to the gut and tries to send him off the stage, but Morrison flips out of the toss corkscrewing in mid air and landing on his feet in what can only be described as an amazing display of athleticism. Sheamus runs down the ramp to give chase and eats a drop toe hold.

Morrison uses the edge of the stage for the Flash Kick, getting a two count. Sheamus charges Morrison into the ring wall for two of his own. Sheamus goes for a vertical suplex, but Morrison slips free only to be elbowed. Sheamus decides to say fuck it and grabs a chair. He waits for Morrison come back out from behind the ring entrance setup only to realize Morrison is now on top of it, coming out with a cross body for two. Jericho then arrives and uses the chair on Morrison, allowing the cover.
Winner: Sheamus

Jericho sets up the chair in the ring, still wearing his nice suit and proceeds to pout in it. If only he had ever gotten that pony he begged and pleaded his parents for that Christmas when I was eight. I mean uh….commercials!

Random Commercial Thought: Why do we have both Church’s and Popeye’s?

Jericho is still sitting in the ring, kicking back. He says he won’t be going anywhere until he gets exactly what he wants. He demands restitution. He demands an e-mail reinstating him into the match. He says if he doesn’t get what he wants, then he will quit. I don’t understand…why would anyone care? He says the WWE will burn in flames without him…which is weird because that never happened the several other times he left. He also says he will expose the GM identity by tracking him down as well and we finally get an e-mail. Jericho gets a huge pop when he interrupts Cole’s “May I have your attention…” with “Of course you have an e-mail, you idiot. Just read it!” Cole says there is “no chance in hell” that the ultimatums will work. Jericho points out it can’t be fucking McMahon.

We get another response and Jericho interrupts the next announcement from Cole with just “Shut up! Just read it!” This is hilarious. The GM makes it a 6 man match again with an elimination element now and he will put Jericho back in. Before he can continue, Jericho thanks the GM and says he will leave Sunday as champion and we get another E-mail in which the GM says not to ever interrupt him again…um. Cole, are you the GM? Admit it, you bitch. The continuation is Jericho has to win a match right now in his suit. The match is a Handicap Steel Cage Match against the tag team champs.

We come back from commercial to Jericho getting his butt kicked by the Dynasty.

Chris Jericho vs. WWE Tag Team Champions The Hart Dynasty w/ Natalya (Handicap Cage Match)

Smith hits the running power slam and a modified hart attack that Tyson delivers on foot instead of off the ropes for some reason. They both try to climb out but Jericho prevents Tyson. David escapes however, making it a one on one match instead of a two on one. This exact strategy is how you lose the tag team cage matches in Smackdown vs. Raw, because one person escaping doesn’t get a win. Jericho is clearly a max level computer. Tyson tries to climb out of the cage when Jericho opens the door by sliding through his leg, but his dragged back in by his pants before his feet make it out. No thanks to David who could have just fucking pulled him out, the dick. Jericho continues to put the pressure on, but his own escape is cut off at the top rope by Tyson who slams him into the cage and decides leaping back off the ropes is a way better idea. He also decides it’s a good idea tto leap into the Walls.

Jericho falls to flip him over and Tyson rolls him up for two, but stands up into a Sharpshooter. Jericho drags himself to the ropes which does nothing for him but somehow allows him to get leverage to work Tyson out of the hold. I have no idea how that works. Jericho tries to toss Tyson over his head into the cage and then just walk away, but Tyson leaps up to the top of the cage and Jericho has to double take to go stop him. Jericho is slammed into the cage again and suddenly counters a Frankenstein into a piledriver off the ropes into the Walls. Awesome move.
Winner: Jericho

Jericho is back into the match now. Good for him,

Random Commercial Thought: Never march through the street and sing about fast good. You just look like a faggot.

Back to the show where William Regal Dust and Goldust William Regal come out to mix it up for the Trading Places Match. Regal tries to protest coming out in the Goldust outfit. He looks so depressed that this is where his career has come to. I have to agree. Poor guy. Where did they find that outfit for him?

William Regal vs. Goldust

He does kind of look like a gold Joker. Regal pauses at the beginning of the match to do his best Goldust impersonation to a huge pop and spits at Dust who turns away and slips on the brass knux for the win. It’s been a while since he rocked that gimmick.
Winner: Goldust

Well, I guess one good thing came of this. Goldust actually got a win and then we go back to commercial because that segment took up way too much time of course. I can’t imagine what we would do without more ads for movies I’ll never go see.

Random Commercial Thought: Oh look, a movie I won’t go see!
Randy Orton vs. John Cena : Tables match

Back to the show where Chad introduces us to Orton and Cena who are coming out to have a Tables Match. They tie up and Cena forces a break, seeming to rework his wrist. Maybe it was limp. Cena looks a little weird to me tonight for some reason. Orton dives at Cena for a tie up but Cena wins out with a headlock to give him a taste of his own medicine. They break and Cena knocks him down with a shoulder block. Both are back to their feet and staring down. Cena chants duel with the RKO chants. Cena loses out of the next encounter and Orton starts grinning. They dance around for a tier up but none comes. Come on, DO SOMETHING. Cena goes to a waist lock but Orton power out and punches him down, going to some stomps and kicks.

Orton works Cena over and goes to the apron to try and set Cena up for a suplex from the ring to the floor where a table is conveniently set up. Cena blocks and shoves Orton off who manages to dodge the table. He acts like it was very close, but it’s only close if you consider several feet away to be a close call.

Random Commercial Thought: Maybe this commercial is an allegory for sex.

Cena is still being dominated, now hanging on the apron with Orton trying to punch him off to fall out onto a table. Cena manages to block the next shot and dives into the ring, putting Orton down with a fisherman suplex. Orton drags a tables into the ring and sets it up in the corner, but Cena springs to life miraculously (surprise, surprise…) before going into his general offense. Orton comes back during a five knuckle shuffle into his own series of moves. After the scoop slam, Cena locks Orton into an STF, but Nexus suddenly arrives and lightly starts to kick on Cena. Orton delivers an RKO to Tarver, so they go after him. Cena FUs Otunga and tosses Slater out of the ring through a table. Barrett gives Wasteland to Cena in retribution. Wade retrieves a table for him and Gabriel to use.

Gabriel sets up for a 450, but is pulls off the top and through a table by Orton. Wade crushes Orton and stares at a table at ringside so he decides to drag Orton over for Wasteland from the ring to the floor where the table is. Orton escapes and throws him through the ropes. Barrett hang on but is kicked to the floor through the table anyway, leaving Orton and Cena. Orton adjusts the table in the ring while Cena chills on the mat some more as he has been for a while. Orton signals an RKO. Edge and Sheamus hit the ring and start duking it out. Sheamus ends up winning out over everyone and taking Cena to the floor where he eats an FU. Orton catches Cena on the way back in for the DDT, but Cena counters into the FU and puts Orton through the table…which Orton somehow counters into an RKO sort of, and they call it a win.
Winner: Orton

I think it’s time we start admitting Orton looks absolutely invincible all the time now. Orton ends the program standing over all the fallen bodies.

Highlight of the Night: Sheamus (as much as it pains me to say) and Morrison had easily the best match.

Lowlight of the Night: Definitely the dance off. That was just….my eyes and ears.

WWE “Creative” Award: The tag team champs still look like chumps, especially since they weren’t even smart enough to escape together to prevent that crap from happening.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).