Oh, hi there.
Did you miss me? Great Scott covered my ass last
week while I was last minute indisposed….who the
fuck is that guy? These youngsters around here make
us old timers feel out of place you know. And
wouldn’t you know it, I get stuck this week with Bob
Barker as guest host. It’s as if I’m paying penance
for my slacking off by sitting through speeches on
how important it is to chop my cat’s balls off.
We open the show with the
Price Is Right announcer calling it The Price is Raw
and introducing Barker and his beauties. I hate my
life. I never noticed before but Bob Barker looks
like an overcooked turkey that tried to strap a
human skin over itself to hide amongst men. He
thanks us for the success of Price is Right for 50
years (read: All his old fans DIED). They even got
him one of those microphones that looks like a
lollipop on an abnormally long stick. He’s going to
play a game with some contestants and the first one
is Santino. They’re called down from the audience
too. The next is Jillian Hall. It’s like the comedy
character cavalcade. IRS is the third…he’s still fat
in case you care. The last is Chris Jericho. I was
expecting Ron Simmons. Chris seems to be refusing to
show. He eventually shows and I wonder how they got
his tag stuck to that greased up chest. …remind me
to never type “Greased up chest” ever again.
They are bidding on the best of Smackdown DVD. I’m
surprised there was enough for three discs. This
sucks. My brain is threatening to erupt from ears
like one of those soda volcanoes. Santino plays
Wheel of Fortune first before bidding a massive
amount on the DVD. I wander is a 1000 dollars is
wholesale. Jillian tries to singe while Bob appears
to have an expression on his face that says his
fillings and dentures just shattered. IRS is
concerned on whether the bid should include taxes.
Chris refuses to bid and stalks over to Bob. FINISH
HIM! Bob says Chris’ mother would not be proud of
him. Bob eventually cuts off Jericho’s rant when he
says he is one half of the tag team champs. He takes
the one as meaning its his bid. This long ass
commercials is for an 18.90 DVD. That means Jericho
wins as he is sent to the ring now. Apparently he
can win a trip to Hawaii now if he wins against MVP.
I think this game was rigged.
Chris Jericho vs. MVP
MVP to the ground and works the leg but MVP slips
out. They battle to the corner with Jericho gaining
the advantage but MVP comes back with a drop toe
hold and dropkick. Jericho tries to back body drop
him to the floor but MVP makes the apron and ducks
the springboard Dropkick, sending Jericho to the
floor as we go to commercial.
Commercial Thought: If it rained meatballs, I’d be
out there with a plate.
Back to the show
where Jericho is wearing down MVP while a MASSIVE ad
for Breaking Point obscures much of the screen. The
ref refuses to count a pin when Jericho has his feet
on the ropes….because MVP’s shoulders are not down.
Lame. Jericho continues to work MVP over until he
gets caught in a small package for two. Jericho
clobbers MVP with a clothesline to the back of the
head for two of his own. I heard Hawaii sucks
anyway. Those hot chicks are a lie! A LIE I SAY! MVP
fights up out of a headlock.
MVP back now
with some offense and clotheslines. He elbows
Jericho out of the corner but jumps off the middle
turnbuckle over Jericho who ducks. MVP comes back
with a clothesline for two. There’s way too much red
in the ring right now. Jericho puts MVP down with a
bulldog and takes his dear sweet time signaling a
lionsault which he obviously misses. Jericho lands
on his feet but MVP is ready with a jaw buster for
Ballin’, but Jericho counters it during the taunt
into the Wall. MVP rolls through into a small
package for two. Jericho runs into a boot to the
face for two again.
Black men don’t win game
shows. MVP tries for the playmaker and Jericho
swings out into an irish whip, but MVP counters the
follow up code breaker into a flip over pin for
After the match, MVP
goes to Hawaii, fucks some hot Hawaiian chicks and
becomes a secret agent.
Thought: Dexter should stick to his lab.
to the show. Bob and Degeneration X spin the big
wheel for some reason. They spin the wheel for their
opponents. Bob has two words for them, spin it. I.
Hate. This. They get Chris Masters and Randy Orton.
Where does Bob Barker get this many hot chicks? I
think he’s secretly a mad scientist and builds them
in a lab deep underground, fueled by all the
neutered genitals from pets all around the
Random Commercial Thought:
Back to the show where Chavo is
still a joke.
Chavo Guerrero vs. Evan Bourne (Normal Match OMG!)
Chavo actually gets to wrestle a real match tonight
thank God. Evan gets worked down to the ground early
on until he rallies back with some kicks to the
knees and takes Chavo down with a clothesline.
Spring board kick to the back of the head out of the
corner scores a two count for Evan. Bourne gets
dragged up for the old hurricane DDT but he slips
free and kicks Chavo in he head. Chavo slides out
when he jumps for the Frankenstiener, causing
himself to bomb. Chavo gives the old Latino Heat
taunt and the Three Amigos. Chavo has the crowd
really rallied while Evan has to switch positions
for a Frog Splash. Hornswoggle runs in and sprays a
super soaker on Chavo which for some reason isn’t a
DQ so Bourne rolls Chavo up with a school boy for
Sigh. Apparently if
he won, he would have gotten a corvette.
Random Commercial Thought: If you squint really
hard, Megan Fox has talent outside of a nice
Back to the show where we
get a replay of how Dusty got owned last week and
Cody freaked out in trying to figure out how to
emote at all, ending with him just sort of looking
constipated. “This is my angry face!” King wants to
point out that in the Tag Team Submissions Count
Anywhere match that Legacy and DX have, it could end
in the toilet. That…just never needed to be seen.
Cody says he doesn’t agree with what Orton did to
his dad, despite telling Dusty to fuck off long ago
himself. He tries to give a heartfelt promo about
his dead, delivered in loving monotone before Cena
comes to the ring for the match.
vs. Cody Rhodes
Cena tosses him around like a
little bitch. Cody gets mad when he tries a counter
and is thrown straight to the floor as we go to
Random Commercial Thought: Wow
that was fast.
Back to the show where Cena is
still dominating Cody Rhodes. Rhodes is still
failing, eating a big back body drop and falling to
the floor. Cena follows him out only to be sent into
the announce table. Rhodes puts Cena back in the
ring and unleashes his fearsome move set of punches
and kicks. My god the drama. The action. Cena
counters this with a belly to belly suplex. Cody
comes back with a kick to the face and some
headlocks. Yawn. Cena kicks him in the face but Cody
rolls through Cena’s legs and grabs the leg,
delivering elbows to the inside of the leg. Cena
just kicks him off and tries for the STF but Cody
kicks out. Russian Leg Sweep by Rhodes picks up a
two count. So much for trying to make Cena submit I
A short arm clothesline picks up a one
count so Cody goes back to what he knows best, chin
locks. Cody switches up to an arm bar when Cena
break free and he tries to roll through only to get
caught up in it again when Cody follows through.
Cena breaks free and its typical offense time. Cena
hit’s the flashback but is nursing his arm as he
goes up for the guillotine leg drop. Rhodes is smart
enough to just get the fuck out of the way like it’s
R Kelly’s piss. Rhodes goes for a Figure Four but
Cena blocks it and reverses it into the STF when
Cena from behind but is scooped into an FU. Sucks to
be him. So uh, yeah commercials.
Commercial Thought: I like chocolate too.
Back to the show where Bob is back to do more Price
is Right. A member of the Chicago Whitesox is
invited to play Price is Raw with our other cast of
winners. His microphone sucks. They have to vote on
tickets to Wrestlemania. They are bidding thousands
of dollars on fucking tickets? Santino is given the
opportunity for a new prize. Maybe it’s a new
career. Instead it’s a hot tub, which unfortunately
does not come complete with half-naked Bella twins.
He asks that question actually. Santino apparently
has a body slam competition with The Big Show.
Santino Marella vs. The Purple
People Eater (Body Slam Contest)
Santino tries to lift him but fails and is then
immediately scooped to failure. Sucks to be him.
Winner: Big Show
This segment flounders for a
bit as it seems Bob forgot what he’s supposed to
say. He refuses to declare Santino the loser until
Big Show’s hand finally gets raised. Apparently
there’s another opponent for Big Show and this one
is Mark Henry. I’m shocked. Shocked I say. I don’t
think this is fair because no one could possibly
hold onto Mark’s greasy hide long enough to body
Random Commercial Thought: Captain
Crunch never offended the roof of my mouth in
Back to the show.
Mark Henry vs. The Big Show (Body
They lumber about
aimlessly for a bit. Big Show has trouble scooping
Henry after hammering on him for a bit which is
retarded considering most guys in the WWE now have
lifted the guy and are much smaller. TL;DR Henry
just scoop slams Big Show and scores himself a hot
We cut to the back for
Josh and Bob talking about his game show and new
book. THRILL AND EXCITEMENT ONLY ON MONDAY NIGHT
Random Commercial Thought: Just what GTA
needed, more gay people.
Back to the show
where next week Trish Stratus’ fake titties will be
hosting Raw. The announcers run down the PPV card
for us before Bob comforts Chavo in the back about
his loss. He demands his car. Chavo points out Chuck
Norris trained bob in Karate (HE DID?! That is the
most awesome thing ever). He talks some shit so Bob
karate chops him to death….I hate you, Bob. He tells
me to chop my cat’s best friends off as we go to
Random Commercial Thought: I’d
buy Estrada glasses.
Back to the show where
DX arrive to suck up the last fifteen or so minutes
of the show. I imagine we still got one more
commercial break left in us too. They do their
general speech of hamming it up like they’re Mick
Foley before Masters comes out to a non-reaction,
followed by Orton and we’re surprisingly underway
without a break.
Degeneration X vs. WWE Champion Randy Orton & Chris
Masters starts off with
Michaels and for his efforts is sent tumbling to the
floor. Whoops, looks like I spoke too soon as we are
blindsided by commercials. Clever girl.
Random Commercial Thought: OH MY GOD SNOW I’M
Back to the match. Orton is
controlling Trips at the moment but Trips runs him
over with a clothesline and tags in Michaels who
works the arm for a moment before taking Orton down
for some stomps to the head. Orton whines that it’s
his job to be boring and step on people and decks
Michaels with a right. Michaels flips out of a scoop
and nails Orton in the face with a dropkick. Back in
the DX corner and Trips kicks the camera man
hilariously for some motion sickness. Trips tries a
pedigree on Orton but he back body drops out of it.
Orton tries an RKO but is thrown off across the ring
and eats a suplex. Trips drops a knee to the temple
Orton makes an escape and we’re back
to Masters and Michaels in the ring. Michaels chops
Masters into the corner before being turned inside
out in the corner and rebounding into a back breaker
from Masters. Masters stomps him down since this is
finally something he knows how to do. I love how
Masters hasn’t even spoken since he came back. He’s
like the Russian from Rocky 4, just a machine that‘s
immobile in the ring…and loses…yeah pretty much the
same. Double teaming ensues with Masters crushing
Michaels in the corner for two. Michaels is sent
flying to the floor, back in the ring Masters picks
up two before stomping him down in the corner and
distracting the ref for some shots from Orton. I
hope they are flu shots, that swine flu shit is
scary. Orton makes the tag and taunts Triple H
before stalking back to Jesus, I mean Shawn
Michaels, crawling up in the corner. Orton levels
him with a dropkick for two. Time for headlocks? I
Michaels breaks free and rallies in
typical style before nipping up after laying
crucified, I mean spread-eagled, on the ground.
Orton makes the tag and so does Michaels. Trips
delivers the rising knee to Masters who seems to
have forgot he was supposed to get clotheslined
first but oh well. Masters kicks out at two and eats
a face buster. Orton tries to run in and Trips
taunts him back to the apron. Masters comes from
behind but walks into a spine buster. Michaels with
the tag for the elbow drop. Michaels tunes up the
band in the corner and has to stop Orton on the
apron where Orton takes him over the announce table.
More band tuning now amidst microphone static.
Masters ducks the kick and switches it into the
MASTERfull Nelson. As Shawn seems to fade, Trips
breaks it up from behind. Masters eats Sweet Chin
Music and Orton gets leveled by Trips. Michaels puts
on a Figure Four while Trips puts Orton in the
Sharpshooter for the win.
Legacy drag Orton out of the sharpshooter and end up
brawling with DX through the arena. Orton hides in
the shadows until he can make his escape. Inteas of
ending the show as all logic dictates, we follow the
brawl in the back as Rhodes and Dibiase get
shit-wrecked. I’m serious though, this just keeps
dragging on. I love when Dibaise just tosses this
random security guy into the street so he can get a
chair that they throw at DX like a TNA show instead
of just hitting them. They steal a car to make their
escape while Orton watches from the ring on the
Titantron. Orton grabs a mic to cut a random promo.
Did they pay for extra time tonight or something?
Orton claims all of Legacy will win their matches
because the title is what he lives for. Oh, so if we
take it away you might kill yourself and save us all
the trouble? Cena eventually shows up at the ring
entrance and comes down to brawl but gets caught by
Orton’s mid-rope DDT when he chases him in and
out of the ring. Orton then RKOs him onto a chair as
the show goes off the air.
Highlight of the Night: Bob Barker bitches
out Chris Jericho and wins.
Lowlight of the Night: Mark Henry vs. Big
Show hurts my soul.
WWE “Creative” Award: I want to know
something. Is a good heel someone who makes you hate
them through their actions and manners, or someone
who makes you hate them because they are incredibly
fucking boring? I present you Randy Orton and ask
you to decide.