WWE
RAW RANT:
(09/07/09)
By Cameron Burge

Oh, hi there. Did you miss me? Great Scott covered my ass last week while I was last minute indisposed….who the fuck is that guy? These youngsters around here make us old timers feel out of place you know. And wouldn’t you know it, I get stuck this week with Bob Barker as guest host. It’s as if I’m paying penance for my slacking off by sitting through speeches on how important it is to chop my cat’s balls off.

Raw 09.06.09

We open the show with the Price Is Right announcer calling it The Price is Raw and introducing Barker and his beauties. I hate my life. I never noticed before but Bob Barker looks like an overcooked turkey that tried to strap a human skin over itself to hide amongst men. He thanks us for the success of Price is Right for 50 years (read: All his old fans DIED). They even got him one of those microphones that looks like a lollipop on an abnormally long stick. He’s going to play a game with some contestants and the first one is Santino. They’re called down from the audience too. The next is Jillian Hall. It’s like the comedy character cavalcade. IRS is the third…he’s still fat in case you care. The last is Chris Jericho. I was expecting Ron Simmons. Chris seems to be refusing to show. He eventually shows and I wonder how they got his tag stuck to that greased up chest. …remind me to never type “Greased up chest” ever again.

They are bidding on the best of Smackdown DVD. I’m surprised there was enough for three discs. This sucks. My brain is threatening to erupt from ears like one of those soda volcanoes. Santino plays Wheel of Fortune first before bidding a massive amount on the DVD. I wander is a 1000 dollars is wholesale. Jillian tries to singe while Bob appears to have an expression on his face that says his fillings and dentures just shattered. IRS is concerned on whether the bid should include taxes. Chris refuses to bid and stalks over to Bob. FINISH HIM! Bob says Chris’ mother would not be proud of him. Bob eventually cuts off Jericho’s rant when he says he is one half of the tag team champs. He takes the one as meaning its his bid. This long ass commercials is for an 18.90 DVD. That means Jericho wins as he is sent to the ring now. Apparently he can win a trip to Hawaii now if he wins against MVP.

I think this game was rigged.

Chris Jericho vs. MVP

Chris wrestles MVP to the ground and works the leg but MVP slips out. They battle to the corner with Jericho gaining the advantage but MVP comes back with a drop toe hold and dropkick. Jericho tries to back body drop him to the floor but MVP makes the apron and ducks the springboard Dropkick, sending Jericho to the floor as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: If it rained meatballs, I’d be out there with a plate.

Back to the show where Jericho is wearing down MVP while a MASSIVE ad for Breaking Point obscures much of the screen. The ref refuses to count a pin when Jericho has his feet on the ropes….because MVP’s shoulders are not down. Lame. Jericho continues to work MVP over until he gets caught in a small package for two. Jericho clobbers MVP with a clothesline to the back of the head for two of his own. I heard Hawaii sucks anyway. Those hot chicks are a lie! A LIE I SAY! MVP fights up out of a headlock.

MVP back now with some offense and clotheslines. He elbows Jericho out of the corner but jumps off the middle turnbuckle over Jericho who ducks. MVP comes back with a clothesline for two. There’s way too much red in the ring right now. Jericho puts MVP down with a bulldog and takes his dear sweet time signaling a lionsault which he obviously misses. Jericho lands on his feet but MVP is ready with a jaw buster for Ballin’, but Jericho counters it during the taunt into the Wall. MVP rolls through into a small package for two. Jericho runs into a boot to the face for two again.

Black men don’t win game shows. MVP tries for the playmaker and Jericho swings out into an irish whip, but MVP counters the follow up code breaker into a flip over pin for three.
Winner: MVP

After the match, MVP goes to Hawaii, fucks some hot Hawaiian chicks and becomes a secret agent.

Random Commercial Thought: Dexter should stick to his lab.

Back to the show. Bob and Degeneration X spin the big wheel for some reason. They spin the wheel for their opponents. Bob has two words for them, spin it. I. Hate. This. They get Chris Masters and Randy Orton. Where does Bob Barker get this many hot chicks? I think he’s secretly a mad scientist and builds them in a lab deep underground, fueled by all the neutered genitals from pets all around the country….what?

Random Commercial Thought: OMFG pizza.

Back to the show where Chavo is still a joke.

Chavo Guerrero vs. Evan Bourne (Normal Match OMG!)

Chavo actually gets to wrestle a real match tonight thank God. Evan gets worked down to the ground early on until he rallies back with some kicks to the knees and takes Chavo down with a clothesline. Spring board kick to the back of the head out of the corner scores a two count for Evan. Bourne gets dragged up for the old hurricane DDT but he slips free and kicks Chavo in he head. Chavo slides out when he jumps for the Frankenstiener, causing himself to bomb. Chavo gives the old Latino Heat taunt and the Three Amigos. Chavo has the crowd really rallied while Evan has to switch positions for a Frog Splash. Hornswoggle runs in and sprays a super soaker on Chavo which for some reason isn’t a DQ so Bourne rolls Chavo up with a school boy for three.
Winner: Bourne

Sigh. Apparently if he won, he would have gotten a corvette.

Random Commercial Thought: If you squint really hard, Megan Fox has talent outside of a nice ass….just kidding.

Back to the show where we get a replay of how Dusty got owned last week and Cody freaked out in trying to figure out how to emote at all, ending with him just sort of looking constipated. “This is my angry face!” King wants to point out that in the Tag Team Submissions Count Anywhere match that Legacy and DX have, it could end in the toilet. That…just never needed to be seen. Cody says he doesn’t agree with what Orton did to his dad, despite telling Dusty to fuck off long ago himself. He tries to give a heartfelt promo about his dead, delivered in loving monotone before Cena comes to the ring for the match.

John Cena vs. Cody Rhodes

Cena tosses him around like a little bitch. Cody gets mad when he tries a counter and is thrown straight to the floor as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Wow that was fast.

Back to the show where Cena is still dominating Cody Rhodes. Rhodes is still failing, eating a big back body drop and falling to the floor. Cena follows him out only to be sent into the announce table. Rhodes puts Cena back in the ring and unleashes his fearsome move set of punches and kicks. My god the drama. The action. Cena counters this with a belly to belly suplex. Cody comes back with a kick to the face and some headlocks. Yawn. Cena kicks him in the face but Cody rolls through Cena’s legs and grabs the leg, delivering elbows to the inside of the leg. Cena just kicks him off and tries for the STF but Cody kicks out. Russian Leg Sweep by Rhodes picks up a two count. So much for trying to make Cena submit I guess?

A short arm clothesline picks up a one count so Cody goes back to what he knows best, chin locks. Cody switches up to an arm bar when Cena break free and he tries to roll through only to get caught up in it again when Cody follows through. Cena breaks free and its typical offense time. Cena hit’s the flashback but is nursing his arm as he goes up for the guillotine leg drop. Rhodes is smart enough to just get the fuck out of the way like it’s R Kelly’s piss. Rhodes goes for a Figure Four but Cena blocks it and reverses it into the STF when Orton attacks.
Winner: Cena

Rhodes catches Cena from behind but is scooped into an FU. Sucks to be him. So uh, yeah commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: I like chocolate too.

Back to the show where Bob is back to do more Price is Right. A member of the Chicago Whitesox is invited to play Price is Raw with our other cast of winners. His microphone sucks. They have to vote on tickets to Wrestlemania. They are bidding thousands of dollars on fucking tickets? Santino is given the opportunity for a new prize. Maybe it’s a new career. Instead it’s a hot tub, which unfortunately does not come complete with half-naked Bella twins. He asks that question actually. Santino apparently has a body slam competition with The Big Show.

Santino Marella vs. The Purple People Eater (Body Slam Contest)

Santino tries to lift him but fails and is then immediately scooped to failure. Sucks to be him.
Winner: Big Show

This segment flounders for a bit as it seems Bob forgot what he’s supposed to say. He refuses to declare Santino the loser until Big Show’s hand finally gets raised. Apparently there’s another opponent for Big Show and this one is Mark Henry. I’m shocked. Shocked I say. I don’t think this is fair because no one could possibly hold onto Mark’s greasy hide long enough to body slam him.

Random Commercial Thought: Captain Crunch never offended the roof of my mouth in anyway.

Back to the show.

Mark Henry vs. The Big Show (Body Slam Contest)

They lumber about aimlessly for a bit. Big Show has trouble scooping Henry after hammering on him for a bit which is retarded considering most guys in the WWE now have lifted the guy and are much smaller. TL;DR Henry just scoop slams Big Show and scores himself a hot tub.
Winner: Henry

We cut to the back for Josh and Bob talking about his game show and new book. THRILL AND EXCITEMENT ONLY ON MONDAY NIGHT RAW.

Random Commercial Thought: Just what GTA needed, more gay people.

Back to the show where next week Trish Stratus’ fake titties will be hosting Raw. The announcers run down the PPV card for us before Bob comforts Chavo in the back about his loss. He demands his car. Chavo points out Chuck Norris trained bob in Karate (HE DID?! That is the most awesome thing ever). He talks some shit so Bob karate chops him to death….I hate you, Bob. He tells me to chop my cat’s best friends off as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I’d buy Estrada glasses.

Back to the show where DX arrive to suck up the last fifteen or so minutes of the show. I imagine we still got one more commercial break left in us too. They do their general speech of hamming it up like they’re Mick Foley before Masters comes out to a non-reaction, followed by Orton and we’re surprisingly underway without a break.

Degeneration X vs. WWE Champion Randy Orton & Chris Masters

Masters starts off with Michaels and for his efforts is sent tumbling to the floor. Whoops, looks like I spoke too soon as we are blindsided by commercials. Clever girl.

Random Commercial Thought: OH MY GOD SNOW I’M SCARED.

Back to the match. Orton is controlling Trips at the moment but Trips runs him over with a clothesline and tags in Michaels who works the arm for a moment before taking Orton down for some stomps to the head. Orton whines that it’s his job to be boring and step on people and decks Michaels with a right. Michaels flips out of a scoop and nails Orton in the face with a dropkick. Back in the DX corner and Trips kicks the camera man hilariously for some motion sickness. Trips tries a pedigree on Orton but he back body drops out of it. Orton tries an RKO but is thrown off across the ring and eats a suplex. Trips drops a knee to the temple for two.

Orton makes an escape and we’re back to Masters and Michaels in the ring. Michaels chops Masters into the corner before being turned inside out in the corner and rebounding into a back breaker from Masters. Masters stomps him down since this is finally something he knows how to do. I love how Masters hasn’t even spoken since he came back. He’s like the Russian from Rocky 4, just a machine that‘s immobile in the ring…and loses…yeah pretty much the same. Double teaming ensues with Masters crushing Michaels in the corner for two. Michaels is sent flying to the floor, back in the ring Masters picks up two before stomping him down in the corner and distracting the ref for some shots from Orton. I hope they are flu shots, that swine flu shit is scary. Orton makes the tag and taunts Triple H before stalking back to Jesus, I mean Shawn Michaels, crawling up in the corner. Orton levels him with a dropkick for two. Time for headlocks? I think so.

Michaels breaks free and rallies in typical style before nipping up after laying crucified, I mean spread-eagled, on the ground. Orton makes the tag and so does Michaels. Trips delivers the rising knee to Masters who seems to have forgot he was supposed to get clotheslined first but oh well. Masters kicks out at two and eats a face buster. Orton tries to run in and Trips taunts him back to the apron. Masters comes from behind but walks into a spine buster. Michaels with the tag for the elbow drop. Michaels tunes up the band in the corner and has to stop Orton on the apron where Orton takes him over the announce table. More band tuning now amidst microphone static. Masters ducks the kick and switches it into the MASTERfull Nelson. As Shawn seems to fade, Trips breaks it up from behind. Masters eats Sweet Chin Music and Orton gets leveled by Trips. Michaels puts on a Figure Four while Trips puts Orton in the Sharpshooter for the win.
Winners: DX

Legacy drag Orton out of the sharpshooter and end up brawling with DX through the arena. Orton hides in the shadows until he can make his escape. Inteas of ending the show as all logic dictates, we follow the brawl in the back as Rhodes and Dibiase get shit-wrecked. I’m serious though, this just keeps dragging on. I love when Dibaise just tosses this random security guy into the street so he can get a chair that they throw at DX like a TNA show instead of just hitting them. They steal a car to make their escape while Orton watches from the ring on the Titantron. Orton grabs a mic to cut a random promo. Did they pay for extra time tonight or something? Orton claims all of Legacy will win their matches because the title is what he lives for. Oh, so if we take it away you might kill yourself and save us all the trouble? Cena eventually shows up at the ring entrance and comes down to brawl but gets caught by Orton’s mid-rope DDT when he chases him in and
out of the ring. Orton then RKOs him onto a chair as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Bob Barker bitches out Chris Jericho and wins.

Lowlight of the Night: Mark Henry vs. Big Show hurts my soul.

WWE “Creative” Award: I want to know something. Is a good heel someone who makes you hate them through their actions and manners, or someone who makes you hate them because they are incredibly fucking boring? I present you Randy Orton and ask you to decide.

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.