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RAW RANT:
(09/06/10)
By Cameron Burge

Tonight’s show is brought to you via delayed viewing and minus commercials. I have a sudden desire to go watch a bunch of old Disco Inferno matches, since he was fucking awesome if you ask me. Fuck everyone else’s opinion. Disco never dies.

Raw 09.06.10


The show opens with Nexus coming out to the ring to give a speech. If you would like to take bets on whether or not the speech sucks really bad, you would be a complete idiot to not go with sucks. Wade claims they are awesome since they won the match last week and he will be bringing the title “back home” to Nexus, which makes no sense, since they have never had it. He apparently wasn’t hired for his grammar skills. He also claims they are awesome for beating the Undertaker, with helps of special lighting and Ultimate Warrior powers. Randy Orton arrives to interrupt things and remind them he beat two of their guys in thirty seconds. Wade invites Orton into the ring to show off his RKO.

The GM interrupts to make a match between Gabriel and Cena. He also makes a match between Orton and Barrett, saying that Nexus is banned from ringside for these, which of course sends them into a frenzy with Slater throwing a big ginger tantrum all over the ring. I missed this bit of footage, but the GM also apparently makes two matches in which Jericho and Edge must win in order to stay in the six-pack challenge match.

Jericho has his match right away, and it’s against John Morrison. He seems rather distressed with that idea. I would have liked to see Jericho making a big fit in slow motion though.

Chris Jericho vs. John Morrison

Jericho attacks right away and starts stomping Morrison into the ground. Jericho slams him to the corner and tosses Morrison against the ropes who rolls under a clothesline into a schoolboy for a two count. Jericho misses another clothesline and Morrison swings around into another schoolboy for two. Santino’s old finisher hard at work here. Jericho gets two off of a running forearm shot and tosses Morrison to the floor. Jericho demands to know who the new GM is. There’s a break in the match, and Jericho is working a headlock on Morrison. Jericho delivers a back suplex for two. Morrison rallies and hit’s a series of clotheslines and a side dropkick. He delivers his one armed backbreaker for a two count. That move needs a name. Jericho catches a kick and goes for the Wall, but Morrison kicks out only to run into an elbow. Jericho misses the lionsault and Morrison hits the flash kick for two. Morrison is dumped on his face, and goes for a running kick
to a seated Jericho, but it’s ducked and Jericho rolls him up for two. Standing exiguities picks up another two for Jericho.

Jericho misses a corner charge, slamming right into the ring post. It never ceases to amaze me how many wrestlers can’t seem to avoid that big metal post.. Jericho dodges Starship pain, but Morrison lands on his feet only to be scooped into the Walls. Morrison makes the ropes and Jericho breaks. Jericho goes for a superplex, and of course gets predictably punched off and eats Starship Pain for three.
Winner: Morrison

Jericho takes an emo time out and ponders buying stock in Hot Topic as he mopes around at ringside on the steps.

After that depressing aside, Melina comes to the ring for a Diva’s title match. I hope they get rid of this god-awful belt soon and replace it with something that doesn’t suck. Preferably something not quite as orange as the Tag Team Titles. Alicia Fox shows up as Melina’s opponent for a match and says she belongs as the “undefined” Diva’s Champion, proving she’s a complete fucking retard and her only redeeming trait is being incredibly hot. At least the announcers eventually point out how stupid that is.

Alicia Fox vs. Diva’s Champion Melina (Diva’s Title Match)

Alicia is tripped up early and eats a running sliding split kick from Melina sending her to the floor. Alicia tries to leave and gets tossed back into the ring, eating kicks. Melina hits a cross body off the top for two. Melina Matrix dodges a clothesline and seems to be going for her finisher after a leap frog, but is dumped to the floor. Alicia charges her back in the ring and instead eats the Sunset Split, getting completely crushed and saving us the torture of seeing Alicia’s scissor kick.
Winner: Melina

Miz is in the back gloating and talking about his Road to Awesome. Josh tries to look under the black sheet he’s got and gets his hand slapped like a little girl for his troubles. I have to wonder also who would want to see a sneak preview of another shitty Resident Evil movie.

After the break, Edge is complaining that Jericho got knocked out of the Six Pack Challenge (because somebody hates him). Edge complains he could lose his spot and demands he get to fight Ryder who he is talking to and keeps saying he’s a #1 Contender. Edge pleads his case for this to the god of a GM.. Edge makes a Djinn mistake by saying he demands Zack Ryder’s music play as his opponent tonight. Edge calls him a tool and Ryder says that really hurt his feelings. Edge just leaves as we should treat all douche bags. We cut to Ted in the back on the phone with someone saying he loves spending time with them….and it’s not Maryse who walks in. He says it’s his mom….who he was flirting with. She implies she got a note, saying he wants her so bad. He implies the note wasn’t his and might be for him instead. There are Diva rookies? God, I haven’t been paying a bit of attention to this crap. Just what we need, even WORSE Divas. Oh yay. She rants
him out in French.

We cut to Justin Gabriel on his way out to face John Cena. He doesn’t stand a snowball’s chance. Poor guy. We’ve yet to see a single thing he can do BESIDES his 450, and I refuse to accept anyone’s merit on their ability to perform a single move.

John Cena vs. Justin Gabriel

Cena actually mat wrestles Justin right away, getting him with something close to a triangle choke. After getting a shot in, Cena lets him out. Gabriel comes back, rocking Cena to the corner who powers back on him, only to get dumped to the floor. Gabriel tosses him back in the ring and flips in with a senton for two. So he does have a moveset after all. Justin Gabriel’s moveset grew three sizes this day. Gabriel wraps around from a cross body in the corner to the apron and springboards off the ropes into another cross body that picks up two.

Gabriel works an Octopus Stretch on the ground, a move I haven’t seen in forever. Cena powers to his feet with Gabriel wrapped on him, but Gabriel slips free and hits a gut wrench power bomb for two. Gabriel sets Cena up and takes his time before spring boarding off the rope into a moonsault that he bombs. Cena ducks a clothesline and goes to his offense. Gabriel manages to put a stop to it with a kick before going up top for the 450 but Cena meets him up top for a top rope FU. Cole calls it an AA and I got to say that if it’s supposed to be more kid-friendly, references Alcoholics Anonymous is probably not the best route.
Winner: Cena

They force us to watch a preview of Legendary again because only a select few theatres get to have it! This is because it’s TOO FUCKING AWESOME for most theatres, not because it’s shitty and bad or anything.

Later, we get the Miz in the ring with his covered object. He says nobody thought he belonged here since he was a reality TV star. Point still stands, Chuckles. HE recaps his entire career, including that people claimed he needed Morrison to be successful during his tag team career. He points out he became a champion on his own and it still wasn’t good enough. After getting to Money in the Bank, he unveils his greatest achievement yet…being on the cover of the new WWE Magazine. This is stupid. He says this is good because as a child he would buy every issue and put them in his bedroom….and then just pauses awkwardly. Uh…what? Did you jack off to them or something? He demands everyone get up and declare themselves wrong about him. I like how much applause he’s getting through this hate rant.

Daniel Bryan comes out and says he didn’t know if he would ever make it either. Miz says he still doesn’t while Cole throws a shit fit. Daniel says he comes out to generic rock music he can’t identify, and has to show ID to even get in the ring. Daniel basically says the only thing he knows is that he can beat Miz for the US Title. He makes a mock magazine cover of him making Miz tap out. He says he can win and become champion, but isn’t threatening to destroy him. Miz says he’s never liked him and that he can annihilate him. Daniel tells him to shut up and decide on whether or not to take the match. Miz deliberates and agrees. Daniel starts licking his lips like a jackal. Miz tries a cheap shot, but Daniel catches him with a crossface (Label Lock?).. Alex Riley makes the save and just gets kicked in the head. Miz is tossed to the floor when he tries to use the briefcase. Daniel then puts the hold on Riley to taunt him.

THE ULTIMATE INSULT as it seems to be implied by Cole soon follows as Bryan kicks the poster board down. Oh no, not a kick to poster board. What will Miz ever do now? We then get a recap of the WCW and WWE battles on Monday nights. Of course, it’s not in the least bit biased or anything….

We get a replay of Edge getting Disqualified last week against Nexus to prep us for the match. Apparently they decide to not go with the easy route of making his opponent enter to Ryder’s music. Edge had promised to destroy the computer if he didn’t get his way so he ponders this choice…..This angle just clearly revealed there is a piece of paper in the computer with Cole’s lines written on it. Amazing.

Edge vs. The Great Khali


Edge stands at ringside and mocks Khali by pretending to be Frankenstein while the ref counts him out, but he does comes back in…to restart the count and do more Frankenstein. Edge goes after Khali’s brother and gets grabbed by the hair from over the ropes by Khali. Khali chases Edge down the aisle now who trips like a woman and attacks the knee before running in to the ring. Khali gets counted out like a tard.
Winner: Edge

The GM decides to have words about this. Go ahead and read your paper, Cole. HIGH TECH COMPUTER MY ASS. The GM refuses to acknowledge his cheap count out victory and the match is restarted as no disqualification, and an over the top rope challenge. Damnit.

Edge vs. The Great Khali

There’s a break before the match restarts in which Edge is getting annihilated in the corner now and slapped on the chest, which as we all know is incredibly devastating. Edge slides under the ropes to take a breaker and Khali goes over the top rope to get him…eliminating himself. Cole is the only person who realizes Khali just lost. That’s a pretty big gaff actually. King tries to say you have to be thrown over the top rope, which is stupid because that doesn’t happen all the time. Khali tosses Edge to the floor when he tries a spear, but Edge pulls Khali over the rope when he steps over by his leg.
Winner: Edge

I have to agree with Cole. Khali eliminated himself and the crowd seems legitimately confuse by this ABOMINATION of a match. Maybe it will fight the Hulk of a match. We get a rundown of Night of Champions with the announcers actually rolling with Kane claiming to have “Undertaker’s Powers” now. Really? Can he appear in mirrors on TV then and make Randy Orton’s dad look bloody? Elsewhere, Jericho is staring blankly into the aether when Josh tries to interview him. He’s asked about his claims he would quit if he didn’t win the match, but makes no reply at all. Morrison replaces Matthews at his side and asks him if he had a bad day. He tells him things will get better and gets a glare of hilarity from Jericho.

Here’s Sheamus. He has a green shirt now? Now if he could just get pants. He’s going to commentate on things with Edge and Cena before we learn the winner of the match next will face Cena next week.

Wade Barrett vs. Randy Orton

Orton takes control and chases Wade to the floor where he is slammed into the announce table several times and hammered even more at the ring apron before getting back in the ring. Orton demands an actual challenge and starts stomping on Wade. Wade rallies back and pounds on Orton, choking him out on the ropes. Wade picks up a two count. Sheamus hilarious brings up that his old Irish Granny is doing fifty “Hail Mary” chants a day because of the odds are stacked so much against him. Cena tries to put Wade over as credible for hanging in there with Orton as he seems to be botching a move as he says this. Wade goes to some boxing for….some reason? He knocks Orton down and is apparently signaling Wasteland. Orton elbows free and counters into the backbreaker.

Orton slams Wade down when he tries to come back and catches him on the apron for the DDT. Wade escapes and dumps Orton to the floor. A musical score interrupts things, apparently being Darren Young who isn’t happy with being kicked out of Nexus. He says he wasn’t the weakest link, just the “missing” link….so the missing link was fucking Buckwheat. Orton of course strikes with an RKO from behind, with this obviously being Young’s plan, who was fucking obvious of this.
Winner: Orton

Orton invites Darren into the ring with a smile…and RKOs him. Sheamus gets on the apron and Edge tries a spear, but gets an RKO. Sheamus misses the kick and eats an RKO as well. Cena comes into the ring to stare down with Orton after Orton celebrates for a bit. They just glare at each other to waste a couple of minutes of air time as we go off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Morrison and Jericho really had the best match. Also, I’m looking forward to Miz/Bryan.

Lowlight of the Night:
Khali. Just….Khali.

WWE “Creative” Award: Also Khali. Why do that over the top rule confusion? That was Russo level annoying.
 

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).