WWE RAW RANT

by Cameron Burge

September 5, 2011

Welcome back to the Kevin Nash and Triple H Two Hours of Power show.

Raw 09.05.11

Welcome to the show where we open with a replay of events from the last few weeks with Punk, Nash and Triple H. Triple H has a burying scheduled tonight. Trips managed to say “Skinny, fat ass again.” Punk is the first person to appear in the here in and now.

Punk takes a seat in the ring to talk about all the things he says. He says he does have the ability to back up his claim as being the best wrestler in the world and his attitude has made him a target because he tends to piss people off. He says that might be why Truth interrupted his match last week and he’s scheduled to wrestle him tonight, but there is one guy he would much rather kick in the face of, that being Kevin Nash. He says Nash is still using the same music since 96 and the same beard and hair dye since the first Gulf War. Ouch.

He accuses Nash of just putting on airs that he and Trips aren’t working together. He offers a challenge to Nash to come out and face him like a man. Punk is about ready to give up when Nash appears looking like he just crawled out of bed to get here. Nash says he can do or say whatever he wants. Punk lists off all of his nicknames, including Oz and “Super Shredder” that he assumes no one is going to get. He played Super Shredder in Turtles 2, by the way. Super Shredder is also the only villain to ever defeat himself faster than Kevin Nash has done in the ring. Punk then makes an estrogen pill joke from Longest Yard and says Nash won his last world title back when Punk couldn’t even legally drive and that was the last time he was relevant. He continues to call Nash out when Triple H’s music hits.

Nash demands for Trips to fire Punk. Trips gets in and says he would normally do that and forgive Nash for what he did on Smackdown, but Triple H has found out the truth. He’s teaming with Miz. Also, he found out that there was security footage from the arena to show someone going into his office at Summerslam right when Nash received a text. Lo and behold it was Nash who sent the text to himself, because a proper pay off would be stupid. Nash says the WWE Universe is not big enough for he and Punk and one of them has got to go. Trips says he doesn’t have a problem with that, just with Nash. He says he doesn’t like Punk, but at least he’s been telling the truth, which must mean his wife does indeed keep his balls and run the company. Trips says he’s really inclined to get rid of somebody and is going to fire him, but Nash has an objection to that.

Nash asks if this is about the push last week and says he was emotional and thought friends could do that. Just like that time they experimented at training camp? Nash starts asking him what he’s going to do about it. He starts poking at Trips who eventually decks and fires him. Um, doesn’t he have a guaranteed contract though? Punk points and laughs.

Random Commercial Thought: I’ve known some students who give reports like that.

I managed to take a shower and still make it back in time before a match started. I gather there was a segment with Johnny Ace and Nash that was probably pointless. Mahal and the Great Khali arrive to a reaction so non-existent it actually pulled heat from past matches and made X-pac get the anti-heat he had fifteen years ago. I guess I might as well start using Kingston and Bourne’s real tag team now. At least it’s short.

Faces in India vs. WWE Tag Team Champions Air Boom (Non-Title Match)

Jinder starts off with Evan and wrestles him down to tag in Khali. Khali stomps Evan down and delivers a sloppy clothesline. Khali slaps Evan on the chest as JR tries to point out to King that he needs to call the fucking match. Jinder tags back in and starts bombs a knee drop, allowing Evan to make the tag to Kofi. Kofi runs over Jinder several times and hits his flying clothesline. Khali pulls the ropes down to cause Kofi to fly to the floor when he goes for the Boom Drop. Jinder drags Kofi to the corner, but he ducks when Khali delivers the brain drop, hitting his own partner. Kofi flip kicks Khali to the floor and Evan capitalizes on the chop with Air Bourne.

Winners: Air Boom

We then see Ricardo “I’m totally not a porn star” Rodriguez getting out of a limo with the belt. I guess he was declared the new champion when Alberto couldn’t get out of Mexico. Oh, he was just holding it for him. They threaten us with Kelly on the announce desk next.

Random Commercial Thought: Five hours is usually more like three.

Back to the show. Eve got a jobber entrance. Natalya joins Kelly on commentary for this match and kisses Cole. For some reason he no longer hates everything about her, I guess.

Eve Torres vs. Beth Phoenix (#1 Contender’s Match)

Beth just throws Eve away and tells her to bring it. Eve tries and gets ran over. They botch some kind of knuckle lock segment really bad. Beth starts wrecking Eve’s arm on the ring post while Kelly is too busy fighting with Natalya while Natalya points out the WWE Universe thinks shitty wrestlers are good. This commentary sucks. Eve delivers a kick to Beth after eating a leg drop. She delivers a hand spring into a senton splash for two. Beth gets fought off in the corner, but Eve misses Cody Rhodes’ beautiful disaster before Beth botches the Glam Slam for three.

Winner: Beth

Post match, it looks like Eve may have hurt her arm while Kelly gets jumped from behind by Natalya for checking on her.

Random Commercial Thought: Um…was that a trailer for a fucking phone?

Back to the show where Drew has returned from the black hole he fell into where Christian is talking to him about how he deserves one more shot at being a champion. Alberto shows up and chucks Drew out to say he thought Christian would have a WHC tonight, but Cena is the reason he doesn’t. Christian says he is not going to take Cena out for Alberto, just when he was starting to like him. Alberto reminds him that last week Cena hit him with an FU and then he lost a cage match the next night because Cena weakened him. Alberto says it’s whatever and leaves Christian to mull that over.

And now a terrible trailer for a terrible Triple H movie.

Random Commercial Thought: I still don’t understand what Bucky Larson is even about besides terrible jokes.

Truth is out next and there is a woman in the audience with a “Little Jimmette” sign. Truth says he thought he heard everything before Punk tonight and he is soon joined by the Miz. They trade funny word play before Miz says he knows there really is a conspiracy. Miz officially challenges Air Boom for the tag titles. Truth compares their team name to a shart. Wow. He declares Punk is getting got as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Always whistle before you sucker punch someone.

CM Punk vs. R-Truth w/ The Miz

Punk takes over Truth right away and delivers a stop to the mid section as we hear an advert for Miz’s fantasy football show. No comment. Truth takes control with a series of headlocks. He holds on headlocks while doing a kind of splits. Weird. Punk gets run down by a shoulder block and Truth does…a booty shake? Why?! Punk proceeds to dropkick Truth. Cole points out Super Shredder is no trending world wide. Dear god. Truth is still in control and he tries to cover Punk after a headlock take down which gets like half of a one count. He works another headlock and jeez this match is boring. Punk gets thrown to the floor where Miz chop blocks the knee. Back in the ring. Truth destroys the knee with slam to the mat and stomps. He wracks the knee against the edge of the ring and then has one of his moments with the crowd. Back in the ring.

Punk goes for a small package for two. Punk follows up with a backslide for another two. Truth starts pounding away at Punk to put a stop to that and then applies the world’s worst half boston crab. The announcers haven’t called a second of this. Truth kicks the shit out of Punk and slams him down before climbing up top. My GOD, I have to mute Cole now, fuck this. Punk cuts him off with hard shots and nails a superplex. They start trading blows and Punk hits a dropkick followed by the Pepsi One. Punk follows with his springboard clothesline from the apron and signals a GTS. Truth wriggles free, kicks out the knee and delivers a front suplex for two. Punk gets tripped by Miz when he tries to get the ropes, but Punk dropkicks him through the ropes and calls Miz out. The ref then ejects Miz from ringside for getting into it with him. Punk spends nine years waving and watching this, which allows Truth to get him from behind…only to be reversed right into the GTS. Punk remembers to sell that his knee hurts before making the cover.

Winner: Punk

Triple H immediately comes out following the match. Punk reminds Triple H he doesn’t buy that Triple H and Nash aren’t in it. Trips makes an Obama joke because Vince is a republican. He says he just changed the Night of Champions match and Triple H wants to hurt him bad, not just pin him. It’s a No DQ match now and if he doesn’t get everything out of his system first, he might fire Punk after the match too. Punk adds a stipulation that if he wins, Triple H has to quit being the COO.

Two random jackasses in the back are talking to Wade Barrett. I guess they were Hawkins and Reks? Alberto is here to convince Wade to wreck Cena, but he interrupts to say he’s going to show him just what he can do tonight, which is pronounce the word “bigger” wrong and botch his finisher a lot I would assume.

Random Commercial Thought: They ran a commercial for the WWE Network, which means I guess they finally made a deal for that. I can only assume that we will finally see the lost episodes of Vince McMahon and His Ass.

Back to the show where King is coming to the ring against David and Mike to try and beat out Beth and Eve for the lowlight of the night. He grabs a microphone and says they are good athletes, but have no charisma (he made a terrible joke). He then introduces his new tag team partner. It’s a promo package of Zack Ryder complete with stuff for his internet show.

Jerry the King Lawler & Zack Ryder vs. David Otunga & Mike McStupidName

Did I just type that? Ryder starts off with Mike to Ryder chants. David tags in for double teaming as chants for Ryder build a little more. David distracts the ref for a cheap shot from Mike that gets two. Zack gets in a shot against David and buries himself by tagging out to Jerry who actually has much more heat than him for some retarded reason. Jerry rapes the former tag team champions by himself and sends Mike to the floor. David eats the middle rope fist drop as Zack begs for a tag. King decides to give it and David eats the Rough Ryder for the three.

Winner: Ryder

At least it was mercifully short. We cut to Alberto telling Dolph to get Cena as well in a segment that was as boring as Ziggler’s hair. From there, a bit of footage about Sheamus at Be a Star. The guy who put Cena through a table and used to beat up Santino for being different. Good choice.

Random Commercial Thought: I will never understand Warhammer.

Randy Orton is here to not lose a match against Heath Slater who has the worst theme music I have heard in ages.

Heath Slater vs. World Heavyweight Champion Randy Orton (Non-Title Match ROFLOL)

Slater gets DESTROYED from the start. Orton drops the big knee and has to be dragged off of Slater in the corner so he can get some offense in. Slater lands a running enziguiri for a two count and starts kneeing Orton in the back and the crowd is buying this less than the Virtual Boy. Slater delivers a spine buster for two. Orton decides that is enough of a rub and decides to go into his moves of doom. He lands the power slam and then delivers the suspended DDT before firing up for the RKO which finishes things off.

Winner: Orton

Ryder is marking out in the back with Cena, declaring him a broski. Cena asks what kind of an idiot wears sunglasses indoors and winks to the camera before saying he’s just kidding.

Random Commercial Thought: Advanced Audio thinks very highly of their crap.

We get a video package about the new Orton DVD, not featuring his first title win. He says he isn’t defined by the voices, just by never losing a match ever. John Cena is out next and I have to laugh as I see someone immediately hold up a “Save_Us” sign. Cena talks about the attack on him by Alberto from two weeks ago and invites Alberto out who gets his introduction from Ricardo still. Ricardo points out he injured Mysterio so he’s a bad dude. He’s a bad enough dude to save the president. Cena gets jumped by Sagger and Wade, and soon some more heels, but Morrison., Sheamus and Riley all hit the ring to beat up the heels and clear the ring. Hilariously Teddy Long comes out to make his trademark tag match, which has just crossed into self-parody.

Random Commercial Thought: What IS the necessary amount of roughness?

Wade Barrett & Christian & Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger vs. John Cena & John Morrison & Alex Riley & Sheamus

We return to Alex Riley about to eliminate Wade Barrett. Barrett hits a Bossman slam for a two count and starts hammers on Riley on the ground. Riley makes the hot tag to Morrison with Dolph coming in. Morrison delivers a backflip slam to Dolph and a double dropkick to Wade and Swagger. He mounts some punches on Dolph, but Christian makes an interference. Morrison gets caught in the sleeper, but Sagger tags himself in and puts o the ankle lock while he’s still in the sleeper. Dolph releases it and Morrison taps out while Vickie comes out to witness this. Dolph is bitching to Swagger for being a kill-stealer as we go back to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Kinect. Where good games go to die.

Back to the match where Ziggler is working a headlock on Riley. Riley tries to fight to his feet with crowd support and finally comes back with clotheslines and a spine buster. Riley knocks all of the heels off the apron like a retard so he can turn into the rocker dropper for two. Ziggler stomps away at him and Swagger tags himself in. Swagger tries for the ankle lock after fighting with Ziggler, but he gets kicked off. Riley eats the corner splash instead and an ankle lock for the loss. Cena is waiting so he can eliminate everyone himself I guess, but now it’s time for Sheamus.

Sheamus hammers away at Swagger and beats the shit out of him right into the corner. Swagger gets slammed down for two and tags out to Wade. Wade annihilates Sheamus with a kick to the face through the middle rope. Clearly it is time for a headlock. Sheamus powers back with his own offense and a slam. Sheamus knocks Christian off the apron and wraps Barett into the ropes for hammering shots over the chest. He even pauses to knock out Swagger then does it again. He knees Wade through the middle ropes in the head and hits a top rope shoulder block. Ziggler gets knocked out by Sheamus, but Sheamus misses the Brogue kick. Wade hits a mule kick and goes for what appears to be the meltdown, but Sheamus escapes into the kick for three.

Christian immediately comes in and drops Sheamus, but it only gets two. Sheamus escapes a killswitch and sends Christian onto the apron where Christian bitch slaps him. Sheamus enters Gohan rage mode and chases him around, even running Ziggler down on the floor before chasing him through the crowd and up the ring ramp. Sheamus gets him there as they both get counted out. Cena enters the ring to huge chants before annihilating Swagger and Ziggler both at once. Swagger takes the fisherman’s, but Ziggler puts Cena down with a dropkick. Swagger covers for two. Cena is sent into the heel corner and Ziggler tags in to stomp Cena down into the ground. Dueling Cena chants now while the heels work Cena over in the corner with quick tags. Swagger delivers a hard shot to the lower back a few times. Cena stops things now by knocking Dolph off the apron and delivering the moves of doom to Swagger. He puts them both down with protobomb and decides to go for a double knuckle shuffle.

It was as retarded looking as it sounds. Swagger escapes an FU, but Cena decks Dolph onto to turn into a belly to belly suplex from Swagger. Swagger lands the Swagger Bomb and Dolph tags himself in. They get in each others’ faces while Vickie tries to warn them. Ziggler turns right into an FU for three that Swagger allows to happen before putting Cena in the ankle lock. Cena rolls through it into the STF for the win.

Winner: Cena The cheese stands alone. The cheese stands alone. Hi Ho the merry o. The cheese stands alone. ADR makes a run in and gets his ass kicked for it.

Highlight of the Night: To be honest, not much of value. The main event was the best thing on the card.

Lowlight of the Night: The Diva’s match was uncharacteristically bad from Beth.

WWE “Creative” Award: The COO thing guarantees the Punk/HHH match cannot end in a satisfying way.

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.