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“Great” Scott’s WWE RAW Recap for August 31, 2009

No, you’re not waking up from your collective coke benders three days late; it’s Monday, and “Great” Scott is here, filling in on the RAW Recap.  I only sporadically watch RAW, so this will be like Christmas morning for me, with each segment representing a new gift.  Unfortunately, I’m sure I’ll be getting a lot of tight-fitting underwear, crappy socks, and cheese logs…if we’re sticking with the metaphor.

If you read my Superstars recaps (I won’t hold it against you if you don’t…), you’ll know I normally do a Recommendation of the Week.  Well, since I already blew my load last Thursday, I’m going to skip that feature until this Thursday.  I’m sure you’re extremely disappointed.

If you don’t know about my rating system, I use Doc Browns instead of stars.  A match that scores five Doc Browns is a classic; one Doc Brown is usually given to anything involving Hornswoggle or the Great Khali.

We’re live fromDetroit, Michigan, home of the NFL’s worst football team, a basketball team that’s getting progressively worse, and a hockey team I know nothing about!!  Tonight, we’re going to see a fatal four-way for the U.S. Championship.  Also, “The American Dream” Dusty Rhodes is our guest host…and my first present turns out to be a big, fat lump of polka dot wearing coal. 

Speaking of that big lump of coal, we’re going to start the show with him…if Jack Swagger interrupts this, a giant black hole of lisp will engulf the entire arena.  Michael Cole and The King seem giddy that The Dream is going to host RAW…I’m not really all that thrilled.  Man, Dusty is looking ROUGH...but he gets a nice “Dusty” chant from the crowd, in spite of his haggard appearance. 

Dusty butters up the crowd by mention their hometown, then starts saying how proud he is of Cody (but not Dustin?).  He also shills the PPV.  However, Rhodes seems to think his son is going to beat Randy Orton in a match tonight and make it to the main event at Breaking Point.  So it would be Orton vs. Rhodes?  Oh boy…that match is oozing charisma.  Rhodes also mentions that Cena is the special guest referee tonight…whee!  Uh oh, this news brings out Randy Orton, who takes about ten minutes to saunter down to the ring.  To say the two men in the ring are at opposite ends of the charisma spectrum is the understatement of the DECADE.  Randy slow talks through some insults of Dusty’s parenting skills then asks why he shouldn’t punt Dusty in the head.  This question brings out the create-a-wrestler template…I’m sure he’s not going to turn on Dusty, no way.  However, Cody starts off by chastising Randy, then actually talks with a modicum of personality.  He loses a respect point for having a nose stud.  Orton retorts by repeating everything Dusty has already said…then he walks off.  Funny sign says “Real Men Wear Polka Dots.”  I beg to differ.

We head to the back to talk about a six diva battle royal.  The ref actually has to explain the rules?  Weren’t all of these divas in a battle royal at WrestleMania and at SummerSlam (or SummerFest if you ask Jeremy Piven)?  Whatever…I guess that battle royal is NEXT!

Six-Diva Battle Royal (Gail Kim, Beth Phoenix, Jillian Hall, Rosa Mendes, Kelly Kelly, and Alicia Fox)

The winner of this match fights Mickie James later tonight.  Alicia Fox is from Tampa!  Wow, that’s 30 minutes from my house…whoopee!  Okay, the train wreck starts right away, as the divas pair off thusly: Rosa/Alicia, Beth/Kelly Kelly, Gail/Rosa.  Gail Kim throws Rosa into the back of Beth, who gets angry and quickly tosses her former protégé.  Kelly Kelly goes to town on two of the heel divas.  Alicia hits a wicked ax kick, only to get tossed by Gail Kim.  Kelly Kelly gets thrown by Beth shortly thereafter in one of the weakest eliminations I’ve ever seen.  Gail goes to work on Beth, and several spots are botched.  Jillian tries to dump Gail; Gail tries to dump Jjillian; Gail tries to hit a cross body on Jillian but misses, then Jillian misses her handspring elbow when Gail lifts her knees.  Some slo-mo offense leads to Jjillian to try for two eliminations.  Where the hell is Beth?  This is really a train wreck.  Jillian tries for another elimination, even biting Gail’s hands to get her to let go.  After Gail botches a head scissors, Jillian manages to throw herself over.  Now it’s just Gail vs. Beth, who is standing behind Gail with a shit-eating grin on her face.  Beth kicks Gail out of the ring and it’s over. 

Winner:  Beth Phoenix

Rating: 

There were some hot chicks in this match, and Alicia Fox hit one wicked kick…that’s about it.

Man, the graphic for the Divas Championship match is sex-ay.  I love me some Mickie James.

Holy crap, screw the commercials, we’re on to our next match…

Chris Jericho vs. MVP

Since this match is going to be so epic, let’s take a break with some commercials.

Gamer is going to suck…if you don’t think so, I have some oceanfront property in Utah I’d like to sell you.

Progressive commercials are what commercials should be: relatively simple, sorta’ funny, to the point, and they don’t insult my intelligence.

We’re back…and we see that the WWE is so desperate for face tag teams that they’re teaming MVP and Mark Henry.  Sweet Jesus, just team Haas and Benjamin back up, you retards!!!

The match starts with some scuffling, including some takedowns and strikes.  Jericho hits two headbutts, and almost falls on his face whipping MVP to the corner.  Some taunting and head slaps from Jericho.  A side suplex leads to a two count for Jericho.  More taunting and slaps from Jerciho.  MVP back up and the two exchange punches.  MVP takes control with a clothesline, a belly to belly throw, and a cross chop to the throat. MVP tries to hit the HHH jaw-breaker knee thing and Jericho blocks it into a Walls of Jericho attempt.  MVP escapes, and   Jericho dodges one boot only to get hit by another.  MVP gets a 2.7 count, hits a flying clothesline for a 2.68 count, and tries for a big boot to Jerciho in the corner.  MVP misses, which sets him up for the patented Jericho leaping kick.  MVP falls to the floor and we head to commercials.

Informant! looks like a pretty funny movie.

AutoZone: looking to put auto mechanics out of business!!

Why pay more, when you can go to Taco Bell and eat cat meat!?!?

We’re back, and Jericho has a half nelson locked on.  MVP is back up with a flurry of punches. He whips Jericho into the corner, but runs into a boot. Jericho tries to follow up with a double axe handle, but fails. He quickly regains momentum and hits a bulldog.  A Lionsault misses for the 1,643 time.  Has that move hit since Chris Jericho’s been in the WWE?  MVP hits a seated dropkick on Jericho then goes for the Ballin’ Elbow.  MVP remembers that he’s always supposed to pointlessly pin guys after that crappy move, and goes for a cover that gets a 2.8 count.  MVP’s Playmaker is reversed into a Walls of Jericho attempt, which MVP reverses into a small package for 2.746.  Jericho decides he’s had enough of this crappy match and hits the Code Breaker OUTTA’ NOWHERE for three.

Winner: Chris Jericho

Rating:  

The match wasn’t bad, but wasn’t all that good, either.  About as average as you’re gonna’ get.

Now we’re in the back, where Dusty is thinking about his glory days while looking at the WCW DVD.  DX decide to mug a bit, and Dusty promises them title shots when Cody wins.  DX helps Dusty shill the DVD, then Dusty Rhodes shills HIS OWN DVD…and you can see his moobs on the cover of the box.  HHH trumps the group by shilling the DX DVD.

Dear God…Hornswoggle is dressed like a cowboy.  When Sean asked me to cover RAW, he didn’t tell me this little turd on legs would be on the show.  Apparently, he’s going to be in some sort of bull rope match next…I’m sure the match won’t involve Chavo looking like a dumbass again.

I bet you Randy Orton watches tapes of Ben Stein to learn how to be successful while having very little charisma.  The difference?  Ben Stein is ACTING!!

Last week, Chavo was made to look like an idiot against Hornswoggle...at least Evan Bourne helped this time.

Hornswoggle (dressed like a cowboy) vs. Chavo (dressed like a cow)

Really, folks, what did Chavo do, call Stephanie fat?  I can’t believe I have to actually recap this.  The match starts with Hornswoggle laughing at Chavo, and the ref telling Chavo he has to wear a cow head.  The ref tells Chavo he has to put it on or forfeit…Dude, you’ve lost 42 matches in a row, does it really matter?  The “match” starts, and Hornswoggle pulls…what the hell am I doing?!?!?  I’m not recapping any of this.

Winner:  No one AT ALL.

Rating:

That’s not a typo, this match got NO SCORE.  The match didn’t have one redeeming feature…at all.

We see the tale of the tape for Mark Henry vs. The Big Show…however, they left out the following stats:

Big Show

Mark Henry

Chins:

3

2

Number of pancakes eaten at a typical breakfast:

12

15

Circumference of moobs:

24 inches

21 inches

Pints of sweat secreted in a single match:

5

12

Favorite ice cream flavor: 

Vanilla

Chunky Monkey

Number of small children that can fit in singlet:

6

5

Big Show vs. Mark Henry

Show starts by shoving Henry.  Henry returns the favor out of a lockup.  Show regroups.  Another big lockup leads to another Henry shove.  A test of strength looks to be going Henry’s way, but Show knees him in the midsection and follows with a headbutt.  Another headbutt from the Show actually hurts him as much as it hurts Henry.  Henry retorts with a head butt and a headlock that goes on, and on, and on…ugh.  This headlock isn’t even applied well…Show FINALLY gets to the ropes and kicks Henry as Mizark tries to break clean.  Henry sends Big Show to the ropes, and Show delivers the sloppiest spear I’ve ever seen.  Show throws some punches, and then locks on a front face lock. He follows this up with a shoulder block in the corner.  Henry fights back, and then splashes Show twice.  An avalanche by Henry sends Show down, but a splash only gets a two count.  A Henry splash attempt in the corner meets elbow.  Show starts some shenanigans by untying turnbuckle, but does so in clear view of the referee.  Henry charges, and Show sends him into the exposed metal ring, drawing the DQ.  Show pops Henry in the face, and is then chastised by the ref.

Winner:  Mark Henry (by DQ)

Rating: 

I’ve seen funeral processions that move faster than that match did…and the ending sucked.

Hey, Burger King, you know what they say about guys who have small hands?  They wear small gloves!

Dusty and DX break kayfabe by talking about the friendship between HHH, Shawn Michaels, and Kevin Nash.  They also talk about the rating wars…stuff that most of the audience doesn’t really understand.  HHH insults Marc Mero (A.K.A. Johnny B. Badd) to try to goof on Dusty. 

Semi-Interesting Fact:  Marc Mero is actually a really nice guy who owns a gym about 45 miles from my house.  He goes to area schools and talks to kids about the power of positive thinking.  His Web site is http://www.mmbodyslam.com/Body_Slam/homebs.html.

Jack Swagger vs. Carlito vs. The Miz vs. Kofi Kingston (Fatal Four-Way for the U.S. Championship)

The Miz smartly takes a powder, while Swagger goes after Kingston, who hits a sweet dropkick, then goes after Carlito. Swagger hits a belly to belly on Kofi.  Carlito tosses swagger; Miz tosses Carlito; and then Miz starts beating on Kofi.  A sweet spot sees Carlito try to attack Kofi, but Kingston moves and sends him into The Miz, who back body drops him onto Swagger outside the ring.  A second sweet spot sees Kofi splash all of the heels on the outside of the ring.  We head to commercial after this.

I guess they’re making a Final Fantasy fighting game…if Kefka is in it, it rules.  Final Fantasy III (FFVI if you’re a geek who follows the Japanese versions of the game) is the best video game ever made.

Goat Boy loves stuffed crust pizza!

We’re back, and Swagger is pounding on Kofi.  He follows it up with a half crab.  Carlito and the Miz are being very VERY sneaky outside the ring.  The Miz enters with a knee lift and a neck breaker on Swagger.  These moves get a one count as Kingston makes the save.  Carlito tried to enter and got elbowed out somewhere.  The Miz tries to hit his corner clothesline, but Carlito hits a springboard dropkick on him instead.  Kingston makes the save, and is sent to the corner.  Craziness ensues, and Kofi hits a bodyblock on Miz and Carlito.  Swagger makes the save, then clotheslines both other heels into opposite corners.  He follows this up with the Vader splash on Carlito for two. Swagger, who must never watch tapes of his own matches, tries the splash on Miz, but Miz gets his knees up.  Kofi kicks Miz out of the ring, then slams Carlito on Swagger.  Kingston follows up with the Boom Boom Boom double leg drop on both men, but Miz makes the save and sends Kofi out.  The Miz hits his corner clothesline on Swagger and all hell breaks loose, as everyone hits their finisher. However, Kofi hits his on Carlito last to get the three count.

Winner:  Kofi Kingston

Rating:           

This match was really good…fast paced enough to cover up any blemishes, and especially good considering what’s come before it.  Good stuff.

WWE stars talk about injury troubles…I think Orton once twisted his ankle doing the Garvin Stomp.  That move takes more skill than you might think.

Beth Pheonix vs. Mickie James (for the Divas Championship)

Quick roll up out of the gate by Mickie James is followed up by a headlock.  Beth hoists Mickie up and slams Mickie into the corner ala Dr. Death Steve Williams.  Beth doles out a pounding in the corner.  The ref backs Beth up, but she continues to dominate with a dropkick to Mickie into the ring post.  Mickie sells the dropkick like a champ.  Beth hits a shoulderblock, and then hits a shoulderbreaker for a 2.43 count.  Beth works the arm, proving she has a larger move set than Orton, Khali, and Mark Henry combined.  Mickie kicks her way out, then hits some punches (with her uninjured arm).  Mickie ducks and strikes, hits a dropkick to Beth’s knee, and follows up with a clothesline.  She tries to whip Beth to the corner, but sells the arm.  Mickie head scissors Beth out of the corner, and then climbs to the top, but Beth knocks her to the outside.  It looks like Mickie took an awkward spill on the way down.  Beth continues to fling Mickie around then rolls her back in for a two count.  Beth is showing a little frustration.  Beth hits a wicked punt to the chest, and then tries to hit a back breaker, but Mickie reverses it into a flippsy-doodle DDT out of nowhere for the three.

Winner:  Mickie James

Rating:           

Yes, I’m giving this match three stars because there were more wrestling moves and holds than three of the previous matches combined.  Also, Mickie James sold her arm injury better than the Undertaker or Kane ever sold anything. 

In the first actual funny backstage skit, DX lambasts WCW’s introduction of the Shockmaster, with Arn Anderson providing the voice (because his fellow horseman Ole provided the original voice).  I must admit that the bit was pretty funny.  Especially with Dusty crying, “It should’ve worked!”  Also, any Santino is good Santino (except for Santina).  If you don’t know the Shockmaster story, Google it…it’s worth reading about.  You can see the actual video here:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvgHCtjXbAI

Did you know that last week, over 2,000,000 females watched RAW?  However, it doesn’t mention if it was two million HUMAN females!! 

Josh Matthews is in the back, and he’s interviewing….oh, Christ, it’s John Cena.  Cena’s in spaz mode, tries to make funny, and stumbles through an average interview.  Essentially, Cena says that he’s going to stay neutral during tonight’s match.  Cena also says he won’t quit, which means that we’re going to be stuck watching Cena vs. Orton matches for the next decade…JOY!

In the exact opposite of the Cena vs. Orton match, CM Punk fights a guy who’s done NOTHING to earn a title shot…awesome.

Randy Orton vs. Cody Rhodes

I was really hoping tonight would see Cody and Dustin vs. Randy and Ted DiBiase, Jr…but I guess we’re getting this instead.

In the back, Cody is getting a pep talk from his dad…and I will admit that I’m surprised that Cody hasn’t turned on his dad yet, but there’s still about 15 minutes to go.

They don’t have enough interesting content on ECW that they actually have to show re-runs of WrestleMania matches?  Interesting.

Next week, Bob Barker is hosting RAW…I’m speechless.  I wonder if he’s going to tell us to have our pets spayed or neutered.  Hopefully, we’ll have a Plinko match!!

Before the match starts, Dusty apologizes to Cena, and then Legacy attacks.  DiBiase hits Dream Street on Cena and the stomping begins.  Ruh roh Raggy!! DX is out to save the day.  HHH is about to Pedigree Cody Rhodes, and Dusty pops him with his cowboy boot, baby.  Rhodes hits the CrossRhodes on Michaels, and the heels stand victorious in the ring.

Orton rewards Dusty’s cleverness by RKO’ing him.  Cody is about to deck Orton, but starts wigging out like RoboCop when he’s about to shoot Dan Jones.  I guess Orton programmed Rhodes with a fourth directive (Directive 4: You may not attack douchebags who poop in people’s gym bags, break steroids rules, and destroy hotel rooms.)

Winner: No contest

Rating:     

Okay, there wasn’t a match, but at least this advanced the storyline going into Breaking Point.

1.21 Gigawatts of Awesomeness Award:  The four-way match was a high point, and the Mickie James/Beth Phoenix contest was pretty good.

Biff Tannen Butthead Award:  Hornswoggle, Big Show, and Mark Henry were a trifecta of crapola.

And we’re out…I’m “Great” Scott, and I hope you didn’t mind me taking over the RAW Recap.  I’ll be back to my regularly scheduled show on Thursday.  Hope to see you there!

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).