Welcome to the 900th Raw.
I almost feel like I’ve seen 900 Raws at this point
and have reached a state where I believe that my
punishment in hell may be nine rings of the worst
episodes of Raw ever airs while Vince McMahon
tap-dances on my grave. Also there is another Nexus/WWE
match tonight. Sure looking forward to that? Where
are you going? COME BACK! DON’T LEAVE ME!
opens with a video package of several key moments in
Raw history before the theme and pyro bring us into
the show proper. First person out is Bret Hart. It’s
kind of funny how the crowd doesn’t seem to know
what reaction to give when they hear this theme,
since it could be Bret or the Dynasty. Bret talks
about Raw being the longest running show in prime
time history and then mentions Undertaker in a round
about way that was just an excuse for Kane to pop
out of nowhere and say he killed the Undertaker.
Maybe, but did he leave him in a pool of
not-tomato-juice like Abyss did RVD? Kane says Taker
is old and over the hill like Bret and hasn’t been
the real Undertaker since he beat Shawn Michaels.
Kane says he needs to take out an icon himself and
chokes Bret but the Dynasty show up and get punked
immediately. Bret punches Kane against the ropes
until he’s re-choked by the gong sounds and Taker
appears in the ring magically and totally not by
crawling out from under the ring.
a retreat and the GM tells us that he wants Bret
Hart to fight the Undertaker. This is of course
because the GM hates Bret Hart. Probably peed in his
Random Commercial Thought: The
devil rides the elevator with me all the time.
Back to the show with the video of Austin attacking
Vince and being hauled off to jail. We have some
guys in the ring
Kofi Kingston & Michael
McGillicutty vs. Kaval & Daniel Bryan vs. Alex Riley
& The Miz
Cole now hates
Kaval and Bryan for being big on the internet and
being small. Bryan starts off with Riley and owns
him, kicking Kofi around who is also in. Bryan kicks
Miz off the apron and has to be pulled off of
kicking Alex in the corner. Kofi catches Bryan with
a weird little flip move I don’t know the name of
for two. Riley takes advantage and attacks from
behind only to eat it from Bryan. Kofi kicks Bryan
to the corner and hits the boom drop on Riley. Bryan
saves the pin and trades cross bodies with Kofi.
Mike tags in, as does Kaval and runs him off. Riley
is back up and saves a pin by Mike. Miz is knocked
to the floor by Riley when Kaval hits him into the
corner. Kaval gets rolled up by Mike for two. Kaval
comes up top with a “frog stomp” on Mike and Miz
sneaks in to hit the skullcrushing finale on Kaval
from behind for the win.
Winners: Riley & Miz
Cole is constantly on his meatride of the Miz to the
point is has become very annoying. Bryan kicks Riley
off the apron when he tried to come in from behind,
allowing Miz clocks Bryan with the briefcase from
behind to “awesome” chants. Has Daniel won a match
yet? No? Well, it’s not like he’s lost all
credibility or anything, o w8.
Commercial Thought: I love how the Popeye’s
commercial is black motown.
We come back to a
replay of LayCool showing up on the titantron last
week. I love how WWE is like “Yeah sure,
co-champions, whatever. Just go out and bounce
around with big tits now to make money, okay?”
Diva’s Champion Melina & Eve Torres vs. Women’s
Michelle starts off
with Melina and gets beat down. Layla gets sent to
the floor and Michelle manages a belly to belly for
two. Layla tags in and continues to kick Melina over
as I grow more and more annoyed by Laycool’s gimmick
voices by the second. Layla then gets rolled up from
behind while taunting for three. At least it was
quick. Way to put in work, Eve (you useless twat).
Winners: Melina & Eve
Michelle says the
victory is bullshit and that they need to decide who
the real champion is. They challenge Melina to a
unification match at Night of Champions with one of
them facing her for the title. Is one of them going
to bring half of the belt and make it one and a half
titles? Melina accepts that it be a Lumberjack
match. The divas come out in the sluttiest outfits
they could find backstage to be lumberjacks. Nexus
is then in the back complaining they are weak now.
Skip Sheffield broke his ankle like a big bloated
bitch (Seriously, he tripped and fell on a run-in)
apparently, so they are down to five. Wade says they
will be strong as soon as he is champion (which
makes no sense, but whatever). God, these guys look
Random Commercial Thought: George
Clooney is not a threat to anyone. Battle Nipples.
Back to the show. We get a Bob Barker clip. Neuter
your wrestlers, folks, if they haven’t already done
it by injecting too many roids and shrinking them to
a practically non-existent size. Jericho is asked in
the back about the match and asks if they think his
catch-phrase about being the best at what he does is
a joke. I think he just uses it to be like
Wolverine. At least they are both Canadian, but
Jericho still hasn’t qualified for Alpha Flight (and
that’s pretty bad). He says if he doesn’t win the
title at the PPV, he’s quitting. Josh points out
that he’s done that a lot. Jericho gets all whiney
and says we’ll see why he’s a badass in the main
event tonight. We then see Morrison and Truth
arriving and thankfully are saved the full length of
the rap this time by commercials.
Commercial Thought: I need a drink.
saying last week’s tag team match was to get a title
shot, apparently this is for the #1 Contender’s
match, meaning Santino and Kozlov got the dick.
John Morrison & R-Truth vs. Cody Rhodes & Drew
Truth starts off with Cody to
“What’s Up?” chants. Morrison gets hit to the floor
by Rhodes and Morrison dives back in with McIntyre
getting in on things too. Everyone starts brawling
and we immediately just end it with a DQ.
Winners: Um....I have no idea?
slammed into the GM laptop by Morrison who escapes a
powerslam attempt. Glad they wasted my time with
Random Commercial Thought: I don’t want
one of Brice’s pizzas. Give that shit back.
like how so many of these flashbacks have been very
recent, this one is Bret and Shawn facing off after
his reemergence to Raw. The threat of Bret Hart and
Undertaker facing off continues as we return. Taker
is out after Bret and Wade comes out to say he’s
going to rape Taker and show off. He gets wrecked
badly of course. That ends badly. The lights then go
out with a gong and Kane appears. The lights go out
again when they start fighting and Kane disappears.
That was annoying....why did the NXT theme just
start playing? Oh, the Nexus guys are coming out.
They are looking kind of pitiful now trying to
surround the ring.
Taker fights them all off and chokeslams Wade
but the lights go out AGAIN as we hear random
thumping and Wade has Taker on his shoulders. Lets
see if he manages not to really kill him. Apparently
it’s called Wasteland. He manages to do it decently,
though lightly. Kane is celebrating on the ring ramp
and Gabriel finishes things with his 450.
Random Commercial Thought: Cheese time, bitch.
Back to the show where Swagger is out to talk about
how awesome he became after leaving Raw. He then
invites Evan Bourne out for a match.
Evan Bourne vs. Jack Swagger
Swagger is kicking out Bourne’s legs, but Alberto
Deerio shows up with his Spanish announcer in a car,
honking the horn and distracting everyone. That guy
is fucking awesome. Swagger is meanwhile ramming
Bourne in the corner. Evan tries to go Air Bourne
but Swagger dodges and hits out the leg, catching
him in the Ankle Lock for the win.
Alberto introduces himself for us. He
says Rey Mysterio won’t be here tonight thanks to
him because he put him in El Hospitolo which is
Spanish for on the couch. He takes a chair to Bourne
after the match and works an arm bar, trying to show
what he did to Mysterio. Mark Henry runs out and
runs through a chair like paper to chase Alberto
Random Commercial Thought: I’m a
Reverend now by the way. Believe it.
the show with the Rock and Mick Foley doing the This
is Your Life bit. CM Punk then arrives with Gallows
and Mercury saying he is better than the Rock and
that Raw promotes poor family values. He says if we
don’t believe him, he has two words for us.....Katie
Vick and that if you don’t get it to look it up on
Youtube. That is the funniest thing anyone said.
Ever. He then plays some clips of these poor values.
This is entirely an excuse to make a Raw clip show.
He’s eventually interrupted by glass shattering and
nothing happens, but of course it was all a ruse by
Punk. I’m pretty much the only person who said
“Stone Cold hasn’t left his house in fucking weeks.”
while watching this show. He then goes on to show a
clip of Lesnar and Big Show breaking the ring and
says he doesn’t know who the other guy was. Nope.
He’s not doing anything anymore
Big Show comes out in a nice suit to impersonate
Hulk Hogan and ask for a high five. CM Punk says he
isn’t funny and nobody likes him. Aw. He hurt his
feelings. Show says that was mean. Show finally just
hits them and slams Luke Gallows around and out of
Random Commercial Thought: I just
now found out Luke Gallows was Festus. Huh. I guess
he got somebody finally surgically removed the
cheerio from his brain.
Back to the show. We
get Triple H attacking Kurt Angle at some point in
time and then Sheamus comes out to complain that
Triple H is gone thanks to him and he is being
punished for it with a match where he has a five in
six chance of losing his title and is now being
forced to tag with four of his opponents tonight.
Sheamus says no champion has ever been treated so
disrespectfully before and is interrupted by Edge.
Edge says nothing important, just talks about how
awesome he has been and how much he deserves the
Random Commercial Thought:
Bayonetta is the only game that will just randomly
end a cutscene and kill your ass for not paying
Back to the show where Jericho is
now entering. Orton and Cena are out last and I
swear to God that we go back to commercial while
Nexus strolls out as if we weren’t just at
Random Commercial Thought: So um.
Back here again.
Back to the show.
Nexus vs. Sheamus & John Cena & Randy Orton &
Chris Jericho & Edge
and Cena fight over who will start. Jericho demands
he get to start off. Tarver is in as well and
Jericho sizes him up before wandering around as if
he forgot what he was doing. Jericho gets a chant
going for himself and then just takes a walk to the
floor. Since he’s the legal man, this starts a ten
count. Jericho acts as if he changed his mind and I
suddenly now find out this is an elimination match.
Oh. Edge comes in and then immediately kicks Little
Natch down to get eliminated. Cena comes in as he
learns not to allow everyone else to fuck up. Cena
pummels Tarver. Why would Jericho and Edge quit this
after they won last time? I’m not sure I’m
Sheamus tags in amicably and beats
the holy hell out of Tarver in the corner before
picking up a two count. Tarver manages a tag to
Slater who is ran over by a series of clotheslines.
Slater takes a vertical suplex. GINGER FIGHT. Slater
takes some knees to the gut in the corner. It’s
funny that Slater actually looks tan next to
Sheamus. Sheamus beats Slater to the floor and rolls
him back in for two. Slater dives to tag in Otunga.
Sheamus gets out of a headlock and eats a shoulder
block but they bounce off each other. Otunga poses
and flexes so he eats a clothesline. Sheamus starts
stomping Otunga in the corner as he continues to
prove he has no moveset. Sheamus is sent hard into a
corner and Otunga mounts for some pummeling. Slater
tags in for double teaming and has to be pulled off
of stomping on Sheamus. Gabrial tags in, trying to
prove he can do other things than the 450 splash.
Cole: “The move that took out the likes of Mr.
McMahon” as if
“The Undertaker” wasn’t impressive
Slater tags right back in after some
shots from Gabrial and works a rest hold before
trying a backslide. Sheamus flips him over and goes
for the High Cross, but Slater escapes and takes him
down from behind. Slater does a modified
Edge-o-matic to Sheamus when he’s taking out the
rest of Nexus and picks up the three. Cena comes in
and dominates Slater before hitting the Shuffle and
the FU for three. Barrett immediately attacks before
Cena can even get up. He tosses Cena to the floor
and distracts the ref so the rest of Nexus can stomp
him down on the floor. Cena is sent into the
announce table before being rolled into the ring for
a two count. This show is going WAY over time. Wade
holds Cena for a reverse heel kick from Gabriel who
tags in. More distracting and double teaming ensues.
Gabriel picks up another two.
When is this
going to end folks? I got shit to do. Justin gets
another two count and tags out to Otunga. Cena
blocks a suplex into the fisherman. Otunga knocks
Orton off the apron so Cena cannot tag out. Cena
trips Otunga into the STF for the tap out. Gabriel
is already on the ropes and leaps off into the 450
for the three. Wow. He sold that. Gabriel turns
while celebrating into an RKO. Tarver is in next and
misses a clothesline into the RKO. Barrett
immediately scoops Orton into Wasteland though for
the win. That was rushed.
That took way longer than I wanted it to. That
finisher still sucks.
Highlight of the Night: Can I
pick the Bob Barker flashback?
Lowlight of the Night: The
show was mostly just boring. I would say the diva
match was the low point.
WWE “Creative” Award: Anyone else
notice the rest of Nexus just looks like chumps now?