Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

By Cameron Burge

Welcome to the 900th Raw. I almost feel like I’ve seen 900 Raws at this point and have reached a state where I believe that my punishment in hell may be nine rings of the worst episodes of Raw ever airs while Vince McMahon tap-dances on my grave. Also there is another Nexus/WWE match tonight. Sure looking forward to that? Where are you going? COME BACK! DON’T LEAVE ME!

Raw 08.30.10

Show opens with a video package of several key moments in Raw history before the theme and pyro bring us into the show proper. First person out is Bret Hart. It’s kind of funny how the crowd doesn’t seem to know what reaction to give when they hear this theme, since it could be Bret or the Dynasty. Bret talks about Raw being the longest running show in prime time history and then mentions Undertaker in a round about way that was just an excuse for Kane to pop out of nowhere and say he killed the Undertaker. Maybe, but did he leave him in a pool of not-tomato-juice like Abyss did RVD? Kane says Taker is old and over the hill like Bret and hasn’t been the real Undertaker since he beat Shawn Michaels. Kane says he needs to take out an icon himself and chokes Bret but the Dynasty show up and get punked immediately. Bret punches Kane against the ropes until he’s re-choked by the gong sounds and Taker appears in the ring magically and totally not by
crawling out from under the ring.

Kane beats a retreat and the GM tells us that he wants Bret Hart to fight the Undertaker. This is of course because the GM hates Bret Hart. Probably peed in his post toasties.

Random Commercial Thought: The devil rides the elevator with me all the time.

Back to the show with the video of Austin attacking Vince and being hauled off to jail. We have some guys in the ring

Kofi Kingston & Michael McGillicutty vs. Kaval & Daniel Bryan vs. Alex Riley & The Miz

Cole now hates Kaval and Bryan for being big on the internet and being small. Bryan starts off with Riley and owns him, kicking Kofi around who is also in. Bryan kicks Miz off the apron and has to be pulled off of kicking Alex in the corner. Kofi catches Bryan with a weird little flip move I don’t know the name of for two. Riley takes advantage and attacks from behind only to eat it from Bryan. Kofi kicks Bryan to the corner and hits the boom drop on Riley. Bryan saves the pin and trades cross bodies with Kofi. Mike tags in, as does Kaval and runs him off. Riley is back up and saves a pin by Mike. Miz is knocked to the floor by Riley when Kaval hits him into the corner. Kaval gets rolled up by Mike for two. Kaval comes up top with a “frog stomp” on Mike and Miz sneaks in to hit the skullcrushing finale on Kaval from behind for the win.
Winners: Riley & Miz

Cole is constantly on his meatride of the Miz to the point is has become very annoying. Bryan kicks Riley off the apron when he tried to come in from behind, allowing Miz clocks Bryan with the briefcase from behind to “awesome” chants. Has Daniel won a match yet? No? Well, it’s not like he’s lost all credibility or anything, o w8.

Random Commercial Thought: I love how the Popeye’s commercial is black motown.

We come back to a replay of LayCool showing up on the titantron last week. I love how WWE is like “Yeah sure, co-champions, whatever. Just go out and bounce around with big tits now to make money, okay?”

Diva’s Champion Melina & Eve Torres vs. Women’s Champions Laycool

Michelle starts off with Melina and gets beat down. Layla gets sent to the floor and Michelle manages a belly to belly for two. Layla tags in and continues to kick Melina over as I grow more and more annoyed by Laycool’s gimmick voices by the second. Layla then gets rolled up from behind while taunting for three. At least it was quick. Way to put in work, Eve (you useless twat).
Winners: Melina & Eve

Michelle says the victory is bullshit and that they need to decide who the real champion is. They challenge Melina to a unification match at Night of Champions with one of them facing her for the title. Is one of them going to bring half of the belt and make it one and a half titles? Melina accepts that it be a Lumberjack match. The divas come out in the sluttiest outfits they could find backstage to be lumberjacks. Nexus is then in the back complaining they are weak now. Skip Sheffield broke his ankle like a big bloated bitch (Seriously, he tripped and fell on a run-in) apparently, so they are down to five. Wade says they will be strong as soon as he is champion (which makes no sense, but whatever). God, these guys look like tools.

Random Commercial Thought: George Clooney is not a threat to anyone. Battle Nipples.

Back to the show. We get a Bob Barker clip. Neuter your wrestlers, folks, if they haven’t already done it by injecting too many roids and shrinking them to a practically non-existent size. Jericho is asked in the back about the match and asks if they think his catch-phrase about being the best at what he does is a joke. I think he just uses it to be like Wolverine. At least they are both Canadian, but Jericho still hasn’t qualified for Alpha Flight (and that’s pretty bad). He says if he doesn’t win the title at the PPV, he’s quitting. Josh points out that he’s done that a lot. Jericho gets all whiney and says we’ll see why he’s a badass in the main event tonight. We then see Morrison and Truth arriving and thankfully are saved the full length of the rap this time by commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: I need a drink.

Despite saying last week’s tag team match was to get a title shot, apparently this is for the #1 Contender’s match, meaning Santino and Kozlov got the dick.

John Morrison & R-Truth vs. Cody Rhodes & Drew McIntyre

Truth starts off with Cody to “What’s Up?” chants. Morrison gets hit to the floor by Rhodes and Morrison dives back in with McIntyre getting in on things too. Everyone starts brawling and we immediately just end it with a DQ.
Winners: Um....I have no idea?

Drew gets slammed into the GM laptop by Morrison who escapes a powerslam attempt. Glad they wasted my time with that.

Random Commercial Thought: I don’t want one of Brice’s pizzas. Give that shit back.

I like how so many of these flashbacks have been very recent, this one is Bret and Shawn facing off after his reemergence to Raw. The threat of Bret Hart and Undertaker facing off continues as we return. Taker is out after Bret and Wade comes out to say he’s going to rape Taker and show off. He gets wrecked badly of course. That ends badly. The lights then go out with a gong and Kane appears. The lights go out again when they start fighting and Kane disappears. That was annoying....why did the NXT theme just start playing? Oh, the Nexus guys are coming out. They are looking kind of pitiful now trying to surround the ring.

Taker fights them all off and chokeslams Wade but the lights go out AGAIN as we hear random thumping and Wade has Taker on his shoulders. Lets see if he manages not to really kill him. Apparently it’s called Wasteland. He manages to do it decently, though lightly. Kane is celebrating on the ring ramp and Gabriel finishes things with his 450.

Random Commercial Thought: Cheese time, bitch.

Back to the show where Swagger is out to talk about how awesome he became after leaving Raw. He then invites Evan Bourne out for a match.

Evan Bourne vs. Jack Swagger

Swagger is kicking out Bourne’s legs, but Alberto Deerio shows up with his Spanish announcer in a car, honking the horn and distracting everyone. That guy is fucking awesome. Swagger is meanwhile ramming Bourne in the corner. Evan tries to go Air Bourne but Swagger dodges and hits out the leg, catching him in the Ankle Lock for the win.
Winner: Swagger

Alberto introduces himself for us. He says Rey Mysterio won’t be here tonight thanks to him because he put him in El Hospitolo which is Spanish for on the couch. He takes a chair to Bourne after the match and works an arm bar, trying to show what he did to Mysterio. Mark Henry runs out and runs through a chair like paper to chase Alberto off.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m a Reverend now by the way. Believe it.

Back to the show with the Rock and Mick Foley doing the This is Your Life bit. CM Punk then arrives with Gallows and Mercury saying he is better than the Rock and that Raw promotes poor family values. He says if we don’t believe him, he has two words for us.....Katie Vick and that if you don’t get it to look it up on Youtube. That is the funniest thing anyone said. Ever. He then plays some clips of these poor values. This is entirely an excuse to make a Raw clip show. He’s eventually interrupted by glass shattering and nothing happens, but of course it was all a ruse by Punk. I’m pretty much the only person who said “Stone Cold hasn’t left his house in fucking weeks.” while watching this show. He then goes on to show a clip of Lesnar and Big Show breaking the ring and says he doesn’t know who the other guy was. Nope. He’s not doing anything anymore COUGHDOMINATINGUFCCHAMPIONCOUGH.

Big Show comes out in a nice suit to impersonate Hulk Hogan and ask for a high five. CM Punk says he isn’t funny and nobody likes him. Aw. He hurt his feelings. Show says that was mean. Show finally just hits them and slams Luke Gallows around and out of the ring.

Random Commercial Thought: I just now found out Luke Gallows was Festus. Huh. I guess he got somebody finally surgically removed the cheerio from his brain.

Back to the show. We get Triple H attacking Kurt Angle at some point in time and then Sheamus comes out to complain that Triple H is gone thanks to him and he is being punished for it with a match where he has a five in six chance of losing his title and is now being forced to tag with four of his opponents tonight. Sheamus says no champion has ever been treated so disrespectfully before and is interrupted by Edge. Edge says nothing important, just talks about how awesome he has been and how much he deserves the title again.

Random Commercial Thought: Bayonetta is the only game that will just randomly end a cutscene and kill your ass for not paying attention.

Back to the show where Jericho is now entering. Orton and Cena are out last and I swear to God that we go back to commercial while Nexus strolls out as if we weren’t just at commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: So um. Back here again.

Back to the show.

Nexus vs. Sheamus & John Cena & Randy Orton & Chris Jericho & Edge

Jericho and Cena fight over who will start. Jericho demands he get to start off. Tarver is in as well and Jericho sizes him up before wandering around as if he forgot what he was doing. Jericho gets a chant going for himself and then just takes a walk to the floor. Since he’s the legal man, this starts a ten count. Jericho acts as if he changed his mind and I suddenly now find out this is an elimination match. Oh. Edge comes in and then immediately kicks Little Natch down to get eliminated. Cena comes in as he learns not to allow everyone else to fuck up. Cena pummels Tarver. Why would Jericho and Edge quit this after they won last time? I’m not sure I’m following.

Sheamus tags in amicably and beats the holy hell out of Tarver in the corner before picking up a two count. Tarver manages a tag to Slater who is ran over by a series of clotheslines. Slater takes a vertical suplex. GINGER FIGHT. Slater takes some knees to the gut in the corner. It’s funny that Slater actually looks tan next to Sheamus. Sheamus beats Slater to the floor and rolls him back in for two. Slater dives to tag in Otunga. Sheamus gets out of a headlock and eats a shoulder block but they bounce off each other. Otunga poses and flexes so he eats a clothesline. Sheamus starts stomping Otunga in the corner as he continues to prove he has no moveset. Sheamus is sent hard into a corner and Otunga mounts for some pummeling. Slater tags in for double teaming and has to be pulled off of stomping on Sheamus. Gabrial tags in, trying to prove he can do other things than the 450 splash. Cole: “The move that took out the likes of Mr. McMahon” as if
“The Undertaker” wasn’t impressive enough.

Slater tags right back in after some shots from Gabrial and works a rest hold before trying a backslide. Sheamus flips him over and goes for the High Cross, but Slater escapes and takes him down from behind. Slater does a modified Edge-o-matic to Sheamus when he’s taking out the rest of Nexus and picks up the three. Cena comes in and dominates Slater before hitting the Shuffle and the FU for three. Barrett immediately attacks before Cena can even get up. He tosses Cena to the floor and distracts the ref so the rest of Nexus can stomp him down on the floor. Cena is sent into the announce table before being rolled into the ring for a two count. This show is going WAY over time. Wade holds Cena for a reverse heel kick from Gabriel who tags in. More distracting and double teaming ensues. Gabriel picks up another two.

When is this going to end folks? I got shit to do. Justin gets another two count and tags out to Otunga. Cena blocks a suplex into the fisherman. Otunga knocks Orton off the apron so Cena cannot tag out. Cena trips Otunga into the STF for the tap out. Gabriel is already on the ropes and leaps off into the 450 for the three. Wow. He sold that. Gabriel turns while celebrating into an RKO. Tarver is in next and misses a clothesline into the RKO. Barrett immediately scoops Orton into Wasteland though for the win. That was rushed.
Winners: Nexus

That took way longer than I wanted it to. That finisher still sucks.

Highlight of the Night: Can I pick the Bob Barker flashback?

Lowlight of the Night: The show was mostly just boring. I would say the diva match was the low point.

WWE “Creative” Award: Anyone else notice the rest of Nexus just looks like chumps now?

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

Bookmark and Share


November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).