WWE RAW RANT

by Cameron Burge

August 29, 2011

Welcome back to the show where CM Punk shortens Alberto Del Rio’s name to something that sounds like “Birdo” finally explaining what happened to her/him after Super Mario Bros 2 and Mario Kart Double Dash money dried up.

Raw 08.29.11

Show opens as it always does. With Triple H’s theme song. Cole says Triple H has faced sticky problems lately, which just has me screaming to leave his personal life out of this. He says that because Smackdown is having a supershow, Raw will have one too now with the Smackdown Superstars showing up because the brand extension is bullshit. He says that is cool, unlike Nash who has been lying to him a lot recently. He demands Nash come out and say why he lied, but instead an applauding, finger-wagging Punk appears. We get a replay of Cena not minding that random distraction that helped him win a match, despite saying he needed to beat Punk his own way last time.

Punk congratulates Triple H on his performance and mispronounces the word “thespian” as “thesbian.” We then get the NWO theme for Nash. Are you serious? What year is it? I must be a fucking Time Lord. Nash admits he lied and stares Triple H down, saying he had his driver call John to tell him about the wreck because Trips wouldn’t let him take care of things. He says Punk is the real problem because Triple H wouldn’t let him finish what he was supposed to do. The What chants are back in force. Nash says it isn’t just him that’s being insulted, more importantly Steph is too. He asks what kind of man is Triple H to let Punk get away with that shit. Trips says he’s the kind who doesn’t expect to be lied to and OH MY GOD this is so soap opera. Trips tells him to leave and never come back on the same night they finally decided to give him a theme song.

Nash says he didn’t lie about the text and Johnny Ace has signed him to a lucrative WWE contract. He says if Trips wants to fire him, that’s fine because his money is guaranteed and he’ll get paid either ay. This is just like real life. Trips says he won’t fire him, but no more lying and Punk runs around the ing making barfing noises. This goes on way too long like he thinks he’s a Family Guy joke. He then explains his joke, saying he’s acting just like they are, because they are clearly still both in on it. He tells everyone the Kliq is back, saying it’s the same noise a remote makes every time Nash appears (I can only wish) and the noise his knees make. Nash begs Triple H to book the match everybody wants to see. Evan Bourne vs. Daniel Bryan for the WWE title? Oh. Nash vs. Punk. Punk asks for it at Night of Champions with Nash as a Champion asskisser. Punk proceeds to make Stephanie jokes over and over.

Trips slowly turns on Punk after being accused of wearing her panties (he though no one knew!). He agrees to the match. I’m totally never going to watch that PPV for fear of how terrible that match will be. He tells them he has two words for both of them, letting the crowd finish before storming off. And now, Randy Orton. I’m having a bad day it seems. He’s here to squash Dolph Ziggler. They try to make it seem like Ziggler stands a chance by showing a highlight reel that actually features him putting Hornswoggle in a sleeper hold. Impressive.

Random Commercial Thought: Mario Party T.V. Don’t ask.

Vickie and Swagger are out after the break to take on Orton whom I can only assume has been sitting in the ring like he’s about the take a crap this whole time.

US Champion Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie Guerrero vs. World Heavyweight Champion Randy Orton (Non-Title Match)

Orton powers over Ziggler with a clothesline and misses his knee drop. Ziggler retaliates with dropkick for two. Ziggler eats the Lou Thesz press and punches before being set up for the suspended DDT. Dolph gets the assist from Vickie who allows him to chuck Orton to the floor. Dolph lays Orton out with a Zig Zag on the floor while Vickie looks nonplussed. Clearly he should have done a 450 splash I guess. Orton barely makes the ten count at nine and Dolph pounces on him for some beatings before we are sent right back to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: These commercials are offensive enough.

Back To the show where Ziggler is slamming Orton into the ring steps I think. He manages to pick up a two count back in the ring as we see a shot of Swagger in the back watching on the shittiest TV they could find. Orton fights out of a headlock as they hype the Smackdown from my town tomorrow that will be live. No, I am not attending. Orton fights Dolph onto the top turnbuckle and stuns him with punches before sort of just posing with his balls in his face and delivering a superplex. This scores a two count. Orton goes into his moves of doom and delivers the power slam. Dolph tries to fight back, but Orton reveals he knows how to do a belly to belly suplex for two. Dolph comes back from this with a rocker dropper for two himself.

Back to their feet and Ziggler tries to go for the world’s slowest neck breaker. Orton counters into a roll up for two. He dodges a dropkick and counters it into a monkey flip into the corner before suplexing Ziggler up into a neck breaker for two again. Big RKO chants building as Orton instead preps for the punt. Ziggler counters it into a surprise super kick for two. Awesome move from Dolph. Dolph tries another Zig Zag, but Orton dodges and drags him into the suspended DDT. Orton starts the ground pound, but Ziggler leaps into a Sleeper out of nowhere. Orton escapes into a press slam that he immediately follows into a very stiff-looking RKO.

Winner: Orton

We see a replay of Alberto’s beat down on Cena before they try to interview Cena who just walks off.

Random Commercial Thought: OMG! Is an actual DVD title? That’s retarded.

Cena comes out and kind of rambles about how great the crowd is before threatening to kick Alberto’s teeth so far down his throat that his mouth becomes his anus which sounds like the most horrifying sequel to Teeth that I can imagine. He calls out Alberto who seems to have metamorphed into a fat black ma-oh shit it’s Mark Henry. Henry says he came down to get him some….this sounds creepy. He recaps his recent accomplishments. He starts talking about his hall of Pain and suddenly Christian.

Christian tells Henry that he’ll face him at Night of Champions but they can deal with that at another time. Christian calls the kettle black by saying all Cena does is embarrass people by whining and complaining until he gets what he wants. Cena then makes fun of Christian’s orange fake tan, despite Randy Orton looking like the surface of the fucking sun when it is powered exclusively by Oompa Loompa corpses. Cena makes fun of them both and calls them out so Christian talks Henry into joining him when Sheamus makes the run in. Cena hilariously looks like he’s about to fight Sheamus too, but Sheamus sides with him because he’s a face now. Remember that time he put your ass through a table. Christian runs at this prospect.

Cole decides the future has already happened by saying Christian can’t be blamed because he was in a steel cage with Orton last night. We see Johnny Ace watching this before making the obvious tag team match. Little Naitch sucks his dick by agreeing that is awesome. Triple H tosses Naitch aside to say he already made that name and reminds John that he works for him.

Random Commercial Thought: Warning- May cause beard fires.

Back to the show where CM Punk got a jobber entrance for a match. The Miz arrives with microphone to say he has never heard anything like the shit Punk is spewing. Miz has a new shirt that is even less awesome than the last one. I miss the name tag shirts. He manages to get his catchphrase in before we have a match.

CM Punk vs. The Miz

Punk runs Miz down with a shoulder block before taunting him with his own Awesome declaration. Punk tries to force Miz to the corner, but the tables get turned. The announcers have been pretty good tonight and not at all fucking annoying. Punk drops Miz on he back of his head and delivers a kick to the upper back before following with a sharp suplex. Punk climbs up top for a Macho elbow, but Miz hangs him up on the top rope. Miz starts kicks the shit out of Punk and delivers a running kick to the head for two. Miz starts delivering knees to the upper back and forearms to the chest before picking up two off of a running knee lift. Cole has been fucking up words all night for some reason. He must have lysdexia. Punk comes back with kicks, but Miz powers back with the kneeling DDT. I like that move a lot. Miz works a headlock.

Miz keeps the pressure on, but can’t seem to put Punk away. He nails the hanging clothesline to a generally good pop during a match the crowd has been basically dead for. Miz hits a top rope double axe handle, but only gets two. Miz climbs up top again, but forgets he only has one top rope move, so he jumps into punch from Punk to the midsection. Dueling chants for Miz and Punk build now while Miz turns the tables again for another two count. What better ay to capitalize on a crowd waking up than a rest hold? Miz uses elbows to escape and tries for the GTS, but Miz escapes into a reverse DDT for two. Miz starts kicking away at Punk, but Punk kicks back harder and goes for a suplex. Miz blocks and counters into a neck beaker for yet another two.

I take back everything nice I said about the announcers now. Punk delivers some forearms to Miz and has him rocking against the ropes, but Miz tosses him shoulder first into the ring post to send us to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Keith Stone still pisses me off. Back to the show where CM Punk is kicking aay at Miz and nails a side dropkick. Miz takes the Pepsi One in the corner and Punk decides to pose on the ring apron before spring boarding into the ring with a clothesline. Punk goes for the GTS, but Miz escapes and tries for his own finisher. Punk tosses him out of it and delivers a chicken wing back breaker for two. Cole and King actually remark that now none of them can say any fucking words right. Punk goes up top and fights Miz off at cutting him off to hit the elbow drop. Punk signals some GTS, but Truth makes the run in. Punk tries to GTS Truth, but Miz attacks from behind.

Winner: Punk

Punk fights both men off at ringside, ducking Miz, clothes lining Truth and ending Miz into the barricade. Back in the ring, Punk drops Truth with a GTS as Nash walks as slow as fucking possible to the ring. Miz jumps Punk from behind and beats him into the mat. Truth and Miz back off while Nash finishes with the jack knife. Holy shit. I couldn’t care less. More NWO theme.

Random Commercial Thought: Cooking noodles.

Back to the show where Sin Cara gets a huge pop. I don’t really know if this is Mystico or Hunico, but it looks like Hunico to me.

Sin Cara vs. Jack Sagger

I love how the lighting changes after the match starts to Sin Cara’s since Swagger entered second. Really stupid looking. Sin Cara sends Swagger to the floor and fakes some suicide dives before just back flipping onto the ring apron. He then flips onto Swagger on the floor. Back in the ring, Swagger takes control with he “Swagger bomb” in the corner as Vickie comes out to watch. Swagger delivers a leg drop to Cara and stomps him down. Sin Cara delivers an odd sunset flip for two, but Swagger runs him over for two of his own. Dolph comes out to bitch Vickie out and charges the ring. He calls Swagger a loser and calls him out while Sin Cara springboards off the ring ropes into a tornado DDT. Sin Cara finisher with a springboard dive senton into a moonsault from the opposite ropes for the three.

Winner: Sin Cara

Impressive. Dolph demands Vickie leave with him and they leave as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Is he going to fight crime with that water gun?

Back to the show with a replay of the tag title win by Chocolate & Vanilla Midget. They have to defend against the rematch clause of McGullitunga tonight. Air Boom is apparently their official new tag team name.

WWE Tag Team Champions Air Boom vs. Mike McStupidName & David Otunga (Tag Team Title Match)

Mike ties up with Evan and forces him to the corner, but Evan ducks out and delivers an arm drag. Evan bombs a dropkick and eats a clothesline from Otunga on the apron. Mike drops him for two as Cole actually reminds us that Mike is a third gen superstar, but doesn’t do the injustice of pointing out he’s a Hennig. Evan is getting the beat down in the corner as the tag champs trade in and out. Evan dives to a tag out of the corner and tags in Kofi who delivers a sky high clothesline to Mike. Mike runs into a kick in the corner and the double springboard dross body from Kofi picks up two. Otunga breaks up the pin and Bourne suicide dives onto Otunga on the floor (botched). Mike then eats Trouble in Paradise to tie it up.

Winners: Air Boom

Otunga gets up in King’s face about the shit talk he’s been giving them the last three weeks. He accuses him of costing them the match and then throws Jerry’s headset at him. Otunga tries his best to show an actual emotion.

Random Commercial Thought: That as a pretty awesome song just for a hotdog.

We get a replay of the Diva’s match from last week as a preemptive threat to the Kelly Kelly match that is about to follow. She is taking on Brie Bella. Guess how much it sucked? Best part of this match is Black Ref.

Brie Bella w/ Nikki Bella vs. Diva’s Champion Kelly Kelly w/ Eve Torres (Non-Title Match)

The Boycott continues, but in the middle of the match they had Natalya and Beth bitching about how the fans cheer shitty Kelly while they don’t even get any fucking matches. There as twin matches, plenty of botches and Nikki managed to botch her simple as shit finisher for the win in case you care.

Winner: Brie Bella

Well, that was terrible. I haven’t seen a complete disaster about pretty chicks this bad since Sex & The City 2.

Random Commercial Thought: Why is everyone doing Honey Badger jokes now?…was that the Dropkick Murphys?

We return to a trailer for the newest Triple H movie that crawled up from the very depths of hell itself before we see Mark Henry making his way out for our main event.

Random Commercial Thought: Jason Stathom is the modern day Chuck Norris.

Back to the show for the rest of the entrances. Christian got a jobber entrance.

Mark Henry & Christian vs. John Cena & Sheamus

Sheamus begins with Christian. Christian slips through his legs and delivers an uppercut, so Sheamus runs him down with a clothesline. Are they really going to keep calling him the “Great White?” Sheamus delivers a scoop slam and Christian tags out to Henry who is so wet that when he and Sheamus push each other it fucking rains in the ring. Sheamus takes out the knees and just beats the shit out of Henry to a huge pop. He delivers a big kick to Henry, but Christian distracts Sheamus long enough for Henry to return a clothesline. Henry removes Sheamus’ DDP signature rib bandages and beats him down in the midsection before tagging in Christian.

Christian stands on the ribs in the corner and wrestles Sheamus down while Cena phones in some support from the apron. Sheamus tries to power through Christian for the tag, but knees to the gut cut him off and back in comes Henry. Henry shoulder blocks in the corner on Sheamus and realizes he has ran through his entire move set now so he just tarts punching and standing on Sheamus. Christian tags back in and beats on Sheamus against the ropes before coming off the middle rope with nothing that allows Sheamus to catch him in the Irish Curse. Cena gets the hot tag and comes in on Christian with his moves of doom. Cena goes for the FU, but Christian runs away to the corner to hit a boot to he jaw. Cena counters a tornado DDT and delivers that side slam he’s started using.

Cena takes Henry out on the apron and tries to go for the FU on Christian, but he slips free. Cena just decides to counter into the STF. Henry breaks it up, but Sheamus attacks. Henry tries to run him down only to get sent to the floor where Sheamus leaps off the ring apron into a flying shoulder block on Henry. Back in the ring, Christian lands the spear, but it only gets two. He turns into a brogue kick from Sheamus into the FU.

Winners: Sheamus & Cena

Elsewhere, Punk is talking to Triple H who says he just spoke to the board of directors. Punk interrupts him to ask if he resigned. Trips says Punk’s match with Nash got cancelled and now it’s CM Punk vs. Triple H. They have a stare down before we go back for the replays of the match finish. That segment was awkwardly placed. It was nearly impossible to hear what was being said over Cena’s fucking theme song.

Highlight of the Night: Punk and Orton put on great matches worth watching. Sin ara wasn’t too bad either.

Lowlight of the Night: Diiiivaaaaa match.

WWE Creative Award: Book a match. Unbook it because one of the guys in it should never be in a match anyway.

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.