By Cameron Burge
Hot diggity dawg, Randy’s still the champ as of the
time I am writing. He got himself a little assist
from a “fan” that was totally not planted at all.
opens with replay of Orton winning and we go to
Orton who says Bret Dibiase, Ted’s brother was the
fan who interfered. Orton tells Bret hat his actions
were inexcusable and he’ll never be seen or heard
from again. Cody says Randy would have won the match
anyway because he’s that fucking amazing. Today’s
host is Floyd Money Mayweather. I wonder what kind
of douche bag parents he must have had in order to
end up with that middle name. We’re off to ringside
now for Vinnie Mac. They says Vince must be happy
about last night’s amazing event. The amazing event
in which the man who injured his entire family and
left hem legally bound, stole another championship
right out from under their noses. Yep, I bet he’s
Vince says the match was
marred in controversy but it’s time to clear things
up and he’ll have a rematch for it in three weeks at
the next PPV. Everyone boos him for not announcing
it tonight and he says he’s still got some stuff for
tonight. The PPV is Breaking Point in which all the
main events are Submission Matches….but Orton and
Cena are having an I Quit match which isn’t the same
fucking thing. Weaksauce. That’s like telling you
I’m going to serve you soup and giving you Borsch.
Before Vince can leave, DX arrives. Apparently they
couldn’t steal another military vehicle for the
night. Vince tries to bow out again but DX won’t let
him go. Trips then apologizes for the lack of a
tank, saying the economy is too bad for tanks. Trips
says he doesn’t like Good Guy Vince. Hold on a sec,
I need to step aside before the fourth wall falls on
They say it’s weird for him to be nice,
like Michael Vic going to a PETA convention. Shawn
points out today is Vinnie’s birthday. They play a
guessing game on who’s birthday it is, insulting
Vince all the while. It’s his 84th birthday? I think
they overshot it. 84 chants start up but it’s
lowered to 74. This is like Age limbo. Vince finally
tells them he’s 64. They say it’s weird he just
admitted that and he begs for them to leave. Shawn
give him a bit of heart to heart and runs
interference for Trips. This is actually a pretty
fun segment to be honest. Couldn’t stand to not be
FIFTEEN MINUTES LONG. And now a Vinnie Mac video
montage. Oh my god it cuts away to that time he sang
and danced to Stand Back, and then shows all his
most embarrassing moments. Good times. Good times.
Trips gives a dramatic reveal to a giant cake being
wheeled down. Who the fuck puts velvet rope on a
cake? Is that garland? Is this a tree or a cake?
Trips says this is Vegas and a Happy birthday song
and cake is too weak for Vegas. We need a CSI team.
They drag out some show girls for Vince, and I gotta
wonder who a couple of them got their jobs. They’re
a bit chunky for it. I love how the camera guy can’t
hide that most of the chicks aren’t really kissing
his old leathery ass. Vince asks how long this is
going to go on as we hit the twenty minute mark.
Somebody kill me. Wait….they called out a fucking
circus. Or at least two fags wearing spring shoes.
Vince points out how gay the masks are much to my
enjoyment. The dancing isn’t any less gay. I wonder
what else is on. Oh look, Elvis is out. They could
have saved the money and got Honky Tonk. Why does
every Elvis impersonator portray his part in life as
a burnt out fuck. Elvis sings Happy Birthday.
Well…big dick Johnson came out of the cake. Still in
the closet though. Vince physically throws him from
the ring. That’s how men roll. They make all the
Vegas people leave the ring before their last
reveal. It’s a human head. That’s how I would have
written it. That or Bret Hart kicks him in the nuts.
Vince is trying to note we wasted almost half an
hour now and no commercials but they say its his
show so he shouldn’t give a shit. Makes perfect
sense. They get him to stand in the certain of the
ring for something before Legacy come in and beat
their asses. Uh. Shawn runs them off with a chair.
That’s a bit of a nonsequiter at this point. Trips
makes a match between all of Legacy and DX with
Vince on their side. Vince makes it No DQ. Nice of
him. Vince says he’s got two words for them as we
FINALLY go to commercial. Psych. We have to have
another segment about Mayweather first.
Random Commercial Thought: Sean Connery is the only
man to ever belt out “Bond. James Bond.” And manage
to not sound like a total twat.
Back to the
show where Sideshow Santino is already in the ring,
and Miz is on his way.
The Miz vs. Santino Marella
stomps Santino down and gives him quite the beating.
Santino blocks a hip toss with “I don’t think so!”
And starts to beat Miz down until he gets hung up by
Santino flipping over the ropes and pulling his neck
down on them. Miz picks up a two count and works a
sloppy half nelson on the ground. Santino rallies
back with some standard punches, doing basically
Shake Rattle and Roll until he whiffs one and eats a
To the back, we
see the diva’s getting ready for the “Mayweather
Melee” which apparently involves them dressing
slightly sluttier and like boxing chicks. Quality
entertainment. Commercials? I think so!
Random Commercial Thought: Dissidia. In case you
weren’t lame enough about Final Fantasy yet.
Back to the show where Beth Phoenix’s team seems to
have robbed Apollo Creed’s locker. Mickie James’
team stole their’s from the Playboy mansion.
Gail Kim & Kelly Kelly & Diva’s Champion Mickie
James vs. Beth Phoenix & Alicia Fox & Rosa Mendez
Gail Kim starts off strong against Phoenix before
tagging in Kelly who hit’s a head scissors for two.
Beth catches her in the corner with a big back
breaker and starts to ground and pound. Sounds sexy.
Rosa tags in and does her typical completely lack of
anything remotely interesting before getting her ass
kicked. Kelly levels her with a clothesline and
Alicia and Mickie are in. Mickie wore a mini skirt
for this for some reason and it’s riding up to
unleash the canyon. Mickie annihilates everyone and
seems to have it won with a neck breaker, but
Phoenix breaks it up. Alicia gets tackled by Mickie
again whose skirt rides completely all the way up.
She tries to pull it down and pulls it almost all
the way down. King remarks how much he loves these
matches. Me too. Alicia causes Mickie to hit herself
into the corner and eat a scissor kick for the
Thought: Who thought a tire iron could be that bad
Back to a commercial where DX plugs the
Rise and Fall of WCW DVD and their shirts. Oh wait,
it’s supposed to be a backstage segment. Apparently
they got Jillian to dress up like Marilyn Monroe and
sing Happy Birthday to him. And now off to Big Show
and Jericho with the world’s worst entrance theme
mix. At least they re-recorded the Break the Wall
segments to mix in a little better. Now it just
sounds like a lame-ass Screamo band. Big Show’s suit
makes him look like a Purple People Eater. Show says
it’s a good thing Floyd has yet to show himself,
because he’d eat him alive. He says he refuses to
leave until Floyd shows. Floyd seems to not give a
shit as he strolls through the back.
Commercial Thought: H2 fills me with hate.
Back to the show where Lillian introduces Floyd.
Floyd takes his mother-loving time actually getting
into the ring itself. What is with boxers and
needing a posse of fat fucks that follow them around
like lap dogs? A small asshole chant starts while
Floyd says he’ll beat Show’s ass again tonight. He
stares down Jericho and says his PPV bout coming up
is more important. I love how Floyd is wearing money
like gauntlets under his watch. Jericho says he
isn’t very good and he’s tiny. Oh snap, he’s short!
Short people got not reason to live. LMAO, Big Show
calls him Jerikye instead of Jericho when he says
they’ll get him after he loses his bout. MVP
interrupts things to says he doesn’t appreciate the
way they are talking to the guy who made him quite a
bit of money. MVP sits around and insults them for a
while to spare us more Mayweather dialogue. MVP
points out if Jericho were to lose his belts he’d
have to go back to Smackdown and shut the fuck up.
MVP asks for a match against them for a title shot
if he gets a partner tonight. Floyd makes it right
now. MVP introduces his partner as Mark Henry. I’m
so shocked and surprised, I cannot find words to
express it….okay I admit that’s a lie.
Commercial Thought: The Final Destination is your
one stop for grotesque mutilation in MIND-BLOWING
Back to the show. Wait, William Regal is
wrestling for the ECW title? Wow, it is fucking
Unified Tag Team Champions Chris Jericho & The
Big Show vs. MVP & Mark Henry (Non-title Match)
The match is already under way with MVP covering
Jericho for two. Show blind tags and runs MVP over
with a clothesline. MVP takes a few scoop slams that
Show repeats as if he can’t think of what else to do
and is just repeating his last remembered line of
programming. MVP fights out of a headlock and eats a
boot to the face. Show taunts Henry before putting
MVP in a MASTERfull Nelson. Chris is crying
somewhere. Show just tosses MVP out and tags in
Jericho who covers for two. Jericho distracts the
ref for Show to work MVP over with a choke. Jericho
monkey flips MVP’s neck into the rope. Floyd seems
indignant about this, despite having used several
foreign objects to try and beat Big Show in the
MVP looks to be free but Jericho snags
his leg only to be kicked off. Jericho drags him
back by the ankle again and starts dropping ankles.
The world’s loosest sleeper hold as the crowd
rallies hard for MVP. He fights out only for Jericho
to deliver some knees. A Small Jericho chant is
warring now but it fades pretty quick. Jericho
tosses MVP to the floor and taunts before throwing
him back in. MVP decides to just sit on the ground
rather than make a tag while Jericho ever so slowly
follows him in, but who am I judge his infinite
wisdom? MVP starts to fight back and wins a punch
out. Jericho tries to tackle him from a tag, forcing
MVP back to the heel corner where Show makes it in.
Show catches MVP with a clothesline as he runs out
of the corner. Show drops some elbows onto the
inside of the knee and works a standing leg lock.
It’s always really funny to watch the Big Show
technically wrestle at all, because he’s so fucking
immobile, I have some 1980s action figures with more
points of mobility than him. More scoop slams.
Reruns in mid match? Jericho tags back in and they
clothesline each other now.
Thought: This lady is telling me to trust Cox. I
think she’s trying to infect me with the Gay.
Back to the match where Henry has been sitting
around being useless all this time. Seems like what
he always does. Jericho is still beating MVP around
as he plays face in distress for an annoyingly long
time. The crowd seems to be getting fucking bored
with this. Jericho bombs a lionsault and hurts his
knees. Henry is in and Jericho makes the dumb shit
decision and not going to tag in Big Show and
instead rushing right for him. Henry misses a corner
charge but just catches Jericho out of a code
breaker. Jericho counters the World’s Strongest Slam
into a DDT though and only picks up two. MVP tags
back in and starts boxing Jericho down. He gives
some Ballin’ to Jericho for two. Jericho knocks MVP
flat with a dropkick and Henry breaks up the tag.
Henry then dumps Show to the floor for the hell of
it. The ref is quite properly distracted now so
Floyd slips the brass knuckles to MVP. MVP decks
Jericho and picks up the three.
Winners: Dial B
In the back. Orton tells his
cronies that he’s going to make sure they completely
illegally murder Vince tonight. That’s what he
insinuates anyway. Why is he not in jail?
Random Commercial Thought: Midgets party on my car
Back to Chavo and Hornswoggle in a
boxing match. Why are we watching this. The ref has
to tell Chavo he doesn’t need his gloves before they
start. He gets him his special gloves which I giant
oversized things. King says he thinks this is
becoming some kind of running gag. NO SHIT?! I had
no idea. I find it interesting Horny is dressed like
Lil Mac from Punch Out.
Chavo Guerrero vs. Hornswoggle (Boxing Match)
Do a Demsy Roll! Chavo darts in and punches at Chavo
before doing some “footwork”. Chavo tries some wild
punches but misses and Chavo eats a hard right that
floor him. He makes it up removes the gloves so he
can scoop slam Horny.
This is so fucking stupid. FINISH HIM! If he dies,
he dies! The most interesting thing during this
segment was an audience member going up the aisle in
bright puple top hat and shiny purple waist coat.
Chavo is blocked from doing a frog splash by Evan
Bourne who finishes Chavo off with an Air Bourne.
Random Commercial Thought: If you squint very hard
at some of these films and get drunk you might see a
good movie this summer.
Back to the show
where we replay the part for Summerslam, because we
haven’t wasted enough of tonight’s show time on
useless fluff and crap. Wow Kofi’s accent is
completely non-existent. Floyd is training Vince in
the back and tells him he could beat Muhammad in his
prime….go fuck yourself, Floyd. Carlito tells
Floyd he’s a terrible host for not making a rematch
for him and Kofi. Vince keeps punching the pads and
when DX arrive, he says he’s busy. Trips says that
give him more time to get busy with his daughter at
which point Vince knocks Carlito out. Trips says he
was kidding but is glad he’s paying attention as we
go to commercial. I recommend you al try that line
on your girlfriend’s fathers next time you see him.
Just kidding. None of you have girlfriends.
Random Commercial Thought: All objects should come
with a paperweight mode.
Back to the show. We
wouldn’t want to over-enthuse anyone tonight so we
get a video package about last night before we go to
DX’s rather long and dragging entrance. They don’t
bring Vince with them, which means he’ll be getting
his own long and obnoxious entrance. Shawn throws
some glow sticks at the audience and I’m just
praying for an accidental eye injury. I’m an awful
person. Vince thankfully gets a little spryer on his
way to the ring so we save some time. Orton and
Legacy arrive to Orton’s music, which is kinda funny
to me since they have a Legacy theme but never use
it when he’s around. It’s like they know how much it
sucks. Shawn suicide dives on Legacy out of a back
drop by Trips onto all of Legacy before the match
starts. Shawn throws Cody into the ring.
Vince McMahon & D-Generation X vs. Legacy (No
Vince starts off
with some right on Cody before tagging out to Shawn
who follows up with chops. Trips comes in for more
punches while Orton and Dibiase are still
incapacitated. Shawn is back in and the double team
flings Cody back onto Dibiase and Orton. Legacy
regroups as we go to commercial.
Commercial Thought: I’m curious who mixes up the
sludge for these commercials and if rat feces are
Back to the show. Dibiase is
working a headlock on Trips and goes for Dream
Street but Triple H counters with a DDT and makes
the tag to Michaels. Michaels goes to his general
offense on Dibiase before knocking Legacy from the
apron and going up top. Michaels nails the elbow but
Cody Rhodes delivers a bulldog from behind. Dibiase
drags Michaels to the corner and makes the tag as
everyone suddenly remembers there is no DQ in this
match. So why didn’t everyone just start whack into
them with chairs again? Orton stomps Michaels’ nuts
into a fine powder and drops a knee to the back of
the head for two.
Rhodes back in now and he
goes to stomp and choke Michaels out in a corner.
Snap mare. Oh my god he knows how to do snap mares
and headlocks! Oooo….Speaking of which, headlock.
Rhodes goes for a reverse DDT but Michaels slips out
only to be stomped into the heel corner for Dibiase
to tag in. Dibiase grounds and pounds while Orton
tags in. Orton gets a running start for this knee
drop. Hey guys….THERE’S NO DISQUALIFICATION YOU CAN
HELP MICHAELS. God. This is fucking stupid. Orton
keeps kicking Shawn around and goes for a headlock.
Trips yells for Shawn to fight it instead of getting
off his ass and just sledge hammering Orton in the
jaw. Orton works one of the more ridiculously stupid
headlocks I’ve ever seen where he’s upside down
ramming the top of his own head into the mat. Shawn
tries to rally back and breaks free with a back
Shawn crawls his way to the corner
and Cody comes in to knock Trips and Vince off the
apron and prevent a tag. Shawn catches him from
behind and Trips pops back up for a tag. Trips
annihilates Cody with a rising knee and face buster.
Dibiase is sent to the floor with Orton before
Rhodes takes a spine buster. Vince is begging for a
tag now but Trips delivers the pedigree first. Vince
tags in and Dibiase is cut off by Trips. Orton
breaks up the pin though at two. Orton reels back
for the kick but Michaels leaps upon him. Trips
chases Orton to the floor and all the faces regroup
before Cena’s music hits. Cena cuts Orton off at the
top of the entrance and punches him back to the
ring. Superkick sends Orton falling back into the FU
where Vince happily covers.
Winners: McMahon & DX
Cena taunts like he did a whole lot as the show goes
off the air.
Highlight of the Night:
Mickie James has a wardrobe malfunction. And this is
why women wrestlers shouldn’t wear miniskirts.
Lowlight of the Night:
Chavo/Horny boxing match….I hate them.
WWE “Creative” Award: Half
an hour of time wasted for Vince’s Birthday. Why
didn’t this happen on Superstars and save us the
bullshit on Raw?
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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr.
Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period"
appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also
known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all
those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by
Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW
responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also
dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes
his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read
his Raw Reports or die.
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).