WWE
RAW RANT:
(08/24/09)
By Cameron Burge

Welcome back. Hot diggity dawg, Randy’s still the champ as of the time I am writing. He got himself a little assist from a “fan” that was totally not planted at all.

Raw 8.24.09

Show opens with replay of Orton winning and we go to Orton who says Bret Dibiase, Ted’s brother was the fan who interfered. Orton tells Bret hat his actions were inexcusable and he’ll never be seen or heard from again. Cody says Randy would have won the match anyway because he’s that fucking amazing. Today’s host is Floyd Money Mayweather. I wonder what kind of douche bag parents he must have had in order to end up with that middle name. We’re off to ringside now for Vinnie Mac. They says Vince must be happy about last night’s amazing event. The amazing event in which the man who injured his entire family and left hem legally bound, stole another championship right out from under their noses. Yep, I bet he’s fucking ecstatic.

Vince says the match was marred in controversy but it’s time to clear things up and he’ll have a rematch for it in three weeks at the next PPV. Everyone boos him for not announcing it tonight and he says he’s still got some stuff for tonight. The PPV is Breaking Point in which all the main events are Submission Matches….but Orton and Cena are having an I Quit match which isn’t the same fucking thing. Weaksauce. That’s like telling you I’m going to serve you soup and giving you Borsch. Before Vince can leave, DX arrives. Apparently they couldn’t steal another military vehicle for the night. Vince tries to bow out again but DX won’t let him go. Trips then apologizes for the lack of a tank, saying the economy is too bad for tanks. Trips says he doesn’t like Good Guy Vince. Hold on a sec, I need to step aside before the fourth wall falls on me.

They say it’s weird for him to be nice, like Michael Vic going to a PETA convention. Shawn points out today is Vinnie’s birthday. They play a guessing game on who’s birthday it is, insulting Vince all the while. It’s his 84th birthday? I think they overshot it. 84 chants start up but it’s lowered to 74. This is like Age limbo. Vince finally tells them he’s 64. They say it’s weird he just admitted that and he begs for them to leave. Shawn give him a bit of heart to heart and runs interference for Trips. This is actually a pretty fun segment to be honest. Couldn’t stand to not be FIFTEEN MINUTES LONG. And now a Vinnie Mac video montage. Oh my god it cuts away to that time he sang and danced to Stand Back, and then shows all his most embarrassing moments. Good times. Good times. Trips gives a dramatic reveal to a giant cake being wheeled down. Who the fuck puts velvet rope on a cake? Is that garland? Is this a tree or a cake?

Trips says this is Vegas and a Happy birthday song and cake is too weak for Vegas. We need a CSI team. They drag out some show girls for Vince, and I gotta wonder who a couple of them got their jobs. They’re a bit chunky for it. I love how the camera guy can’t hide that most of the chicks aren’t really kissing his old leathery ass. Vince asks how long this is going to go on as we hit the twenty minute mark. Somebody kill me. Wait….they called out a fucking circus. Or at least two fags wearing spring shoes. Vince points out how gay the masks are much to my enjoyment. The dancing isn’t any less gay. I wonder what else is on. Oh look, Elvis is out. They could have saved the money and got Honky Tonk. Why does every Elvis impersonator portray his part in life as a burnt out fuck. Elvis sings Happy Birthday.

Well…big dick Johnson came out of the cake. Still in the closet though. Vince physically throws him from the ring. That’s how men roll. They make all the Vegas people leave the ring before their last reveal. It’s a human head. That’s how I would have written it. That or Bret Hart kicks him in the nuts. Vince is trying to note we wasted almost half an hour now and no commercials but they say its his show so he shouldn’t give a shit. Makes perfect sense. They get him to stand in the certain of the ring for something before Legacy come in and beat their asses. Uh. Shawn runs them off with a chair. That’s a bit of a nonsequiter at this point. Trips makes a match between all of Legacy and DX with Vince on their side. Vince makes it No DQ. Nice of him. Vince says he’s got two words for them as we FINALLY go to commercial. Psych. We have to have another segment about Mayweather first.

Random Commercial Thought: Sean Connery is the only man to ever belt out “Bond. James Bond.” And manage to not sound like a total twat.

Back to the show where Sideshow Santino is already in the ring, and Miz is on his way.

The Miz vs. Santino Marella

Miz stomps Santino down and gives him quite the beating. Santino blocks a hip toss with “I don’t think so!” And starts to beat Miz down until he gets hung up by Santino flipping over the ropes and pulling his neck down on them. Miz picks up a two count and works a sloppy half nelson on the ground. Santino rallies back with some standard punches, doing basically Shake Rattle and Roll until he whiffs one and eats a Reality Check.
Winner: Miz

To the back, we see the diva’s getting ready for the “Mayweather Melee” which apparently involves them dressing slightly sluttier and like boxing chicks. Quality entertainment. Commercials? I think so!

Random Commercial Thought: Dissidia. In case you weren’t lame enough about Final Fantasy yet.

Back to the show where Beth Phoenix’s team seems to have robbed Apollo Creed’s locker. Mickie James’ team stole their’s from the Playboy mansion.

Gail Kim & Kelly Kelly & Diva’s Champion Mickie James vs. Beth Phoenix & Alicia Fox & Rosa Mendez

Gail Kim starts off strong against Phoenix before tagging in Kelly who hit’s a head scissors for two. Beth catches her in the corner with a big back breaker and starts to ground and pound. Sounds sexy. Rosa tags in and does her typical completely lack of anything remotely interesting before getting her ass kicked. Kelly levels her with a clothesline and Alicia and Mickie are in. Mickie wore a mini skirt for this for some reason and it’s riding up to unleash the canyon. Mickie annihilates everyone and seems to have it won with a neck breaker, but Phoenix breaks it up. Alicia gets tackled by Mickie again whose skirt rides completely all the way up. She tries to pull it down and pulls it almost all the way down. King remarks how much he loves these matches. Me too. Alicia causes Mickie to hit herself into the corner and eat a scissor kick for the three.
Winners: Heels

Random Commercial Thought: Who thought a tire iron could be that bad ass?

Back to a commercial where DX plugs the Rise and Fall of WCW DVD and their shirts. Oh wait, it’s supposed to be a backstage segment. Apparently they got Jillian to dress up like Marilyn Monroe and sing Happy Birthday to him. And now off to Big Show and Jericho with the world’s worst entrance theme mix. At least they re-recorded the Break the Wall segments to mix in a little better. Now it just sounds like a lame-ass Screamo band. Big Show’s suit makes him look like a Purple People Eater. Show says it’s a good thing Floyd has yet to show himself, because he’d eat him alive. He says he refuses to leave until Floyd shows. Floyd seems to not give a shit as he strolls through the back.

Random Commercial Thought: H2 fills me with hate.

Back to the show where Lillian introduces Floyd. Floyd takes his mother-loving time actually getting into the ring itself. What is with boxers and needing a posse of fat fucks that follow them around like lap dogs? A small asshole chant starts while Floyd says he’ll beat Show’s ass again tonight. He stares down Jericho and says his PPV bout coming up is more important. I love how Floyd is wearing money like gauntlets under his watch. Jericho says he isn’t very good and he’s tiny. Oh snap, he’s short! Short people got not reason to live. LMAO, Big Show calls him Jerikye instead of Jericho when he says they’ll get him after he loses his bout. MVP interrupts things to says he doesn’t appreciate the way they are talking to the guy who made him quite a bit of money. MVP sits around and insults them for a while to spare us more Mayweather dialogue. MVP points out if Jericho were to lose his belts he’d have to go back to Smackdown and shut the fuck up. MVP asks for a match against them for a title shot if he gets a partner tonight. Floyd makes it right now. MVP introduces his partner as Mark Henry. I’m so shocked and surprised, I cannot find words to express it….okay I admit that’s a lie.

Random Commercial Thought: The Final Destination is your one stop for grotesque mutilation in MIND-BLOWING 3D.

Back to the show. Wait, William Regal is wrestling for the ECW title? Wow, it is fucking worthless.

Unified Tag Team Champions Chris Jericho & The Big Show vs. MVP & Mark Henry (Non-title Match)

The match is already under way with MVP covering Jericho for two. Show blind tags and runs MVP over with a clothesline. MVP takes a few scoop slams that Show repeats as if he can’t think of what else to do and is just repeating his last remembered line of programming. MVP fights out of a headlock and eats a boot to the face. Show taunts Henry before putting MVP in a MASTERfull Nelson. Chris is crying somewhere. Show just tosses MVP out and tags in Jericho who covers for two. Jericho distracts the ref for Show to work MVP over with a choke. Jericho monkey flips MVP’s neck into the rope. Floyd seems indignant about this, despite having used several foreign objects to try and beat Big Show in the past.

MVP looks to be free but Jericho snags his leg only to be kicked off. Jericho drags him back by the ankle again and starts dropping ankles. The world’s loosest sleeper hold as the crowd rallies hard for MVP. He fights out only for Jericho to deliver some knees. A Small Jericho chant is warring now but it fades pretty quick. Jericho tosses MVP to the floor and taunts before throwing him back in. MVP decides to just sit on the ground rather than make a tag while Jericho ever so slowly follows him in, but who am I judge his infinite wisdom? MVP starts to fight back and wins a punch out. Jericho tries to tackle him from a tag, forcing MVP back to the heel corner where Show makes it in.

Show catches MVP with a clothesline as he runs out of the corner. Show drops some elbows onto the inside of the knee and works a standing leg lock. It’s always really funny to watch the Big Show technically wrestle at all, because he’s so fucking immobile, I have some 1980s action figures with more points of mobility than him. More scoop slams. Reruns in mid match? Jericho tags back in and they clothesline each other now.

Random Commercial Thought: This lady is telling me to trust Cox. I think she’s trying to infect me with the Gay.

Back to the match where Henry has been sitting around being useless all this time. Seems like what he always does. Jericho is still beating MVP around as he plays face in distress for an annoyingly long time. The crowd seems to be getting fucking bored with this. Jericho bombs a lionsault and hurts his knees. Henry is in and Jericho makes the dumb shit decision and not going to tag in Big Show and instead rushing right for him. Henry misses a corner charge but just catches Jericho out of a code breaker. Jericho counters the World’s Strongest Slam into a DDT though and only picks up two. MVP tags back in and starts boxing Jericho down. He gives some Ballin’ to Jericho for two. Jericho knocks MVP flat with a dropkick and Henry breaks up the tag. Henry then dumps Show to the floor for the hell of it. The ref is quite properly distracted now so Floyd slips the brass knuckles to MVP. MVP decks Jericho and picks up the three.
Winners: Dial B for Blackup

In the back. Orton tells his cronies that he’s going to make sure they completely illegally murder Vince tonight. That’s what he insinuates anyway. Why is he not in jail?

Random Commercial Thought: Midgets party on my car all night.

Back to Chavo and Hornswoggle in a boxing match. Why are we watching this. The ref has to tell Chavo he doesn’t need his gloves before they start. He gets him his special gloves which I giant oversized things. King says he thinks this is becoming some kind of running gag. NO SHIT?! I had no idea. I find it interesting Horny is dressed like Lil Mac from Punch Out.

Chavo Guerrero vs. Hornswoggle (Boxing Match)

Do a Demsy Roll! Chavo darts in and punches at Chavo before doing some “footwork”. Chavo tries some wild punches but misses and Chavo eats a hard right that floor him. He makes it up removes the gloves so he can scoop slam Horny.
Winner: Hornswoggle

This is so fucking stupid. FINISH HIM! If he dies, he dies! The most interesting thing during this segment was an audience member going up the aisle in bright puple top hat and shiny purple waist coat. Chavo is blocked from doing a frog splash by Evan Bourne who finishes Chavo off with an Air Bourne.

Random Commercial Thought: If you squint very hard at some of these films and get drunk you might see a good movie this summer.

Back to the show where we replay the part for Summerslam, because we haven’t wasted enough of tonight’s show time on useless fluff and crap. Wow Kofi’s accent is completely non-existent. Floyd is training Vince in the back and tells him he could beat Muhammad in his prime….go fuck yourself, Floyd.  Carlito tells Floyd he’s a terrible host for not making a rematch for him and Kofi. Vince keeps punching the pads and when DX arrive, he says he’s busy. Trips says that give him more time to get busy with his daughter at which point Vince knocks Carlito out. Trips says he was kidding but is glad he’s paying attention as we go to commercial. I recommend you al try that line on your girlfriend’s fathers next time you see him. Just kidding. None of you have girlfriends.

Random Commercial Thought: All objects should come with a paperweight mode.

Back to the show. We wouldn’t want to over-enthuse anyone tonight so we get a video package about last night before we go to DX’s rather long and dragging entrance. They don’t bring Vince with them, which means he’ll be getting his own long and obnoxious entrance. Shawn throws some glow sticks at the audience and I’m just praying for an accidental eye injury. I’m an awful person. Vince thankfully gets a little spryer on his way to the ring so we save some time. Orton and Legacy arrive to Orton’s music, which is kinda funny to me since they have a Legacy theme but never use it when he’s around. It’s like they know how much it sucks. Shawn suicide dives on Legacy out of a back drop by Trips onto all of Legacy before the match starts. Shawn throws Cody into the ring.

Vince McMahon & D-Generation X vs. Legacy (No Disqualification)

Vince starts off with some right on Cody before tagging out to Shawn who follows up with chops. Trips comes in for more punches while Orton and Dibiase are still incapacitated. Shawn is back in and the double team flings Cody back onto Dibiase and Orton. Legacy regroups as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m curious who mixes up the sludge for these commercials and if rat feces are involved.

Back to the show. Dibiase is working a headlock on Trips and goes for Dream Street but Triple H counters with a DDT and makes the tag to Michaels. Michaels goes to his general offense on Dibiase before knocking Legacy from the apron and going up top. Michaels nails the elbow but Cody Rhodes delivers a bulldog from behind. Dibiase drags Michaels to the corner and makes the tag as everyone suddenly remembers there is no DQ in this match. So why didn’t everyone just start whack into them with chairs again? Orton stomps Michaels’ nuts into a fine powder and drops a knee to the back of the head for two.

Rhodes back in now and he goes to stomp and choke Michaels out in a corner. Snap mare. Oh my god he knows how to do snap mares and headlocks! Oooo….Speaking of which, headlock. Rhodes goes for a reverse DDT but Michaels slips out only to be stomped into the heel corner for Dibiase to tag in. Dibiase grounds and pounds while Orton tags in. Orton gets a running start for this knee drop. Hey guys….THERE’S NO DISQUALIFICATION YOU CAN HELP MICHAELS. God. This is fucking stupid. Orton keeps kicking Shawn around and goes for a headlock. Trips yells for Shawn to fight it instead of getting off his ass and just sledge hammering Orton in the jaw. Orton works one of the more ridiculously stupid headlocks I’ve ever seen where he’s upside down ramming the top of his own head into the mat. Shawn tries to rally back and breaks free with a back suplex.

Shawn crawls his way to the corner and Cody comes in to knock Trips and Vince off the apron and prevent a tag. Shawn catches him from behind and Trips pops back up for a tag. Trips annihilates Cody with a rising knee and face buster. Dibiase is sent to the floor with Orton before Rhodes takes a spine buster. Vince is begging for a tag now but Trips delivers the pedigree first. Vince tags in and Dibiase is cut off by Trips. Orton breaks up the pin though at two. Orton reels back for the kick but Michaels leaps upon him. Trips chases Orton to the floor and all the faces regroup before Cena’s music hits. Cena cuts Orton off at the top of the entrance and punches him back to the ring. Superkick sends Orton falling back into the FU where Vince happily covers.
Winners: McMahon & DX

Cena taunts like he did a whole lot as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Mickie James has a wardrobe malfunction. And this is why women wrestlers shouldn’t wear miniskirts.

Lowlight of the Night: Chavo/Horny boxing match….I hate them.

WWE “Creative” Award: Half an hour of time wasted for Vince’s Birthday. Why didn’t this happen on Superstars and save us the bullshit on Raw?

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.