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By Cameron Burge

As we all learned last week, the best way to push a huge threatening group of guys is to have them win only by complete flukes, expose how much some of them suck in the ring (read: Wade Barrett), and then eliminate one of the members arbitrarily. Good booking guys, go get a beer. Your work here is obviously done.

Raw 08.23.10

We start things off with a recap of the Nexus situation from last week. I kind of passed out during the opening because five minutes later they were still recapping things with a replay of Orton beating on Sheamus last week as well. Sheamus has made his way to the ring though to comment on being made to look like a total tool the last couple of weeks (he didn’t need much help). Sheamus says American children are spoiled brats. Well, I find that to be true of all kids everywhere, the little bastards. He singles out a long haired little boy that might be a girl, and talks some trash. It’s funny that all the kids he points out are happily smiling as he practically calls them spermicidal accidents and no one else is around them to watch them. It’s as if…GASP…they might be plants! Sheamus reminds us that he’s the champion and as if we are retarded the camera zooms in to fill the screen with the title so we can’t see the damn screen.

Sheamus says he asked the GM to not give in to Orton by giving him the Night of Champions shot and he should be in prison (this is probably true, in real life and in kayfabe). The GM responds and Cole ascends his pedestal and says Sheamus will be rewarded for retaining his title. The GM then orders a throne be brought out. Is that Triple H’s Conan throne? Sheamus will be deciding his next opponent after watching a series of matches for which person impresses him the most. There’s one other thing, the first match is right now and is between Edge (who looks retarded after how he lost last week) and someone we’ll see after the break.

Random Commercial Thought: During the break, they bothered to tell us next week is the 900th episode.

R-truth is the opponent. Cole makes a point of how damn long and annoying this entrance is. I actually agree with him for once.

R-Truth vs. Edge

Truth eats a shot to the gut, but puts Edge down with a head scissor and clotheslines him to he floor. Truth bombs a cross body to the floor hard and looks like he may have botched that landing pretty bad. Truth is sent to the wall and Edge starts to kick him around back in the ring. Edge gives a cross body to he back of Truth. I think he got part of the schematic for how that one works wrong. Edge picks up a two count and works a rest hold. After he escapes, they both clothesline each other. For some reason, King calls this a cross body block. Probably said it into between snorts of cocaine. Truth rallies with some clotheslines and a leapfrog out of the corner into a backflip. Truth delivers a big hip toss and a leg splits for no reason as well. He tries a harlem side kick and Edge ducks it, hitting the Edge-o-matic. Truth dodges the spear and goes for a scissor kick which Edge ducks again, hitting the spear after.
Winner: Edge

Edge points out that Sheamus hasn’t beaten him yet, so he hasn’t beaten anybody which is an equivocation fallacy.

Random Commercial Thought: Metroid Other M is going to be the best game you pick up on Wii this year.

Back to the show where Khali is on his way out, still limping on his leg which is apparently injured from being kicked in the back two weeks ago. He’s going to be losing to Jericho, whom is also a complete loser after being owned by Wade Barrett last week.

Chris Jericho vs. The Great Khali w/ Ranjin

Jericho tries to attack early and just gets hoisted up and chucked across the ring before eating slaps to he chest in the corner. Jericho is flattened by a clubbing blow but rolls away from a leg drop, kicking Khali in the knee several times. Jericho slams his knee around and drags Khali by the ankle as he tries his damndest to drag a watchable match out of this pile of crap. It’s not working. Khali counters Jericho’s grab for the leg with the vice grip but Jericho manage sto slip out of the ring before he’s beaten. He slips back in and kicks the knee out several times before trying a code breaker and being thrown off. Jericho literally runs into a couple of stationary clotheslines. Khali delivers a scoop slam and misses a running boot in the corner. Jericho attacks the knee while he’s hung up and puts on the Walls and Khali actually taps surprisingly enough.
Winner: Jericho

Jericho talks some shit on Edge, claiming to be better since he was the first Undisputed champion. Khali just chops him in he head while he standing on the top turnbuckle ranting and leaves Jericho rolling around on he floor. We get a replay of Bryan being annihilated last week by Miz before a completely unrelated interview with Cena. Oh, apparently he’s fighting Miz tonight. Nothing important here.

Random Commercial Thought: Piranha 3D is the goriest movie since Hostel 2, and only one here  fish eats a penis then barfs it up in 3D.

Back to bad singing.

Jillian Hall vs. Diva’s Champion Melina (Diva’s Title Match)

Jillian starts off strong, working Melina over for a bit with strikes and clotheslines. Melina uses the Matrix dodge to duck a clothesline and a bulldog picks up a two count for her. Jillian comes back fast with another clothesline and sets up for a top rope leg drop that has her holding a high note. Is that what she calls it? It’s sufficiently cheesy, the High Note. Melina than sets up her overly complicated Last Call for the win.
Winner: Melina

LayCool appear to say high on the Titantron, saying they will be at Raw next week and will have an offer for her that she can’t refuse. I…I hate their characters, it’s very annoying. Did Michelle McCool ever learn how to wrestle? Elsewhere, The Miz is in the back to respond to Cena. It’s nothing important either, so just imagine some images of cute kittens and move on.

Random Commercial Thought: Resident Evil is trying to kill itself hard.

Back to the show where Nexus arrive to receive a decision from the GM that says the ban on Nexus competing for title is now lifted. Wade then calls off the Nexus truce with Sheamus. Oh god. The prospect of a Wade Barrett/Sheamus match fills me with never-ending horror. Apparently since that was really time consuming we’ll just go back to commercial. Didn’t we just have one two minutes ago?

Random Commercial Thought: I arrange my pizzas like naked women.

We return to Cena and Miz about to mix it up.

John Cena vs. US Champion The Miz (Non-title Match)

Miz taunts and stomps Cena down into the ground when he goes for the tie up. Cena is sent back into the corner by an irish whip and Miz is actually pretty strong here so Cena no sells it and crushes him with a side slam for one. Cena misses a corner charge and botches it, almost forgetting to send his shoulder into the ring post apparently. Miz delivers a side suplex follow up for two. Cena powers back from this with the fisherman’s suplex for two. King and Cole discuss the non-existence of Cole’s social life. It was actually legitimately depressing. Way to kill my mood. Miz delivers a leg drop for two. Miz beats on Cena, but Cena decks him in return, going up top for the guillotine leg drop. Miz takes his dear sweet time recovering until Cena is up top, sending Cena to the floor as we go to the all-to-familiar commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Betty White fucks everyone’s girlfriend, it’s okay.

Back to the show where Miz is wrapped around John Cena tightly. No homo. Cena escapes the sleeper hold by slamming Miz back into the corner. Miz blocks the bulldog by tossing out Cena and delivers a sharp running kick for two. Miz hammers on Cena over the ring apron and delivers a running knee to the temple. Miz continues to destroy Cena for a bit, me completely missing what he did to earn his next two count, I’m sure it was nice. Miz misses his bronco buster though and Cena goes to his general offense. Cena hit’s the five knuckle shuffle and goes for the FU but Miz counters into a backbreaker/neck breaker combo that was an a pretty awesome move. This picks up a two count. Miz looks for the skull crushing finale, but of course, Cena slings him out of it and trips Miz into the STF.

Miz makes the stretch to the bottom rope instead of tapping, which is a surprising finish. Cena charges Miz and runs into a big kick which garners a two count. Miz goes for another Skullcrushing Finale, but Cena counters into the FU. Miz pulls himself out by the ropes and runs to the floor. Daniel Bryan then attacks from behind and shoves Miz into the ring for the DQ.
Winner: Miz

Cena gives Miz an FU and leaves him to be eat one of Bryan’s submissions as we go to commercial. That was actually a pretty good match, but it would be nice to actually see Daniel Bryan win a match before the end of the fucking year.

Random Commercial Thought: Two birds in the bush is worth ABOLUTELY JACK SHIT.

Back to the show where they replay Tamina coming onto Santino who is out for some tag team action.

Santino Morella & Vladimir Kozlov vs. The Usos w/ Tamina (#1 Contender’s Match)

Santino starts things off in this match with an Uso. Whichever one it is. He goes for some goofy martial arts kicks and backs him into the corner. When they are broke up, he scares him right back in with the fucking Cobra. Oh, it’s Jimmy. Jimmy kicks him down and tags out to Jey who crushes Santino and picks up a two count off of a leg drop. Jimmy is back in but he rushes headlong into a hip toss. Santino goes for a dropkick and misses, nailing himself. Jey starts to hammer on Santino while down. Vladimir starts a Santino chant that takes off. Jey works a submission, hitting Vlad off the apron. Santino attacks from behind and makes the tag.

Vladimir goes for his head butt and running power slam for a two count when Jimmy breaks it up and is tossed to the floor. Jey delivers a super kick to Santino, but the Sambo defeats Jey.
Winners: Santino & Kozlov

Tamina runs interference between the Usos and Santino who go to kick his ass after the match. Tamina blows him a kiss though some kind of goofy invisible blow dart. Damn black people. In other new, Tamina is kind of weird looking. That’s how all girls come on to me. They have their friends beat me up and then blow me kisses. Last time I tried to have my friends beat up a girl I like, I was arrested though. Sheamus is absent from his throne in apparent “deliberation” in some undisclosed location.

Random Commercial Thought: What the hell is Warehouse 13?

Maryse and Ted are out as we return. Apparently he’s taking on John Morrison since we’re out of people to have matches I guess. Oh, also Randy Orton is there….Commercials!

Random Commercial Thought: Was the announcer coming onto that sandwich?

Back to where we re just getting the match started.

Randy Orton vs. John Morrison vs. Ted Dibiase w/ Maryse

Sheamus looks all pissed as the match starts and seems to be taking a walk somewhere. Dibiase attacks Morrison right away, sending him to the floor. Orton starts to work over Dibiase who is dragged to the floor by Morrison. Morrison crushes him with a flash kick and ties up with Orton. Orton runs Morrison down for a one count and works a headlock. Morrison delivers a dropkick as soon as he escapes, but Dibaise breaks up the pinfall and dumps Morrison to the floor since it is his turn now. Dibiase gets a two count on Orton and stomps him into the corner, choking him out. Morrison comes back in but eats a big neck breaker from Dibiase for two.

Orton is back up shortly with clotheslines on Dibiase and a scoop slam on each of them. Dibiase falls victim to the DDT setup, but Morrison misses a flash kick somehow by just awkwardly landing on Orton’s back and falls off or something. Dibiase eats the DDT. Orton sets up an RKO, but Morrison delivers a kick to knock him down before being dumped to the floor. Orton blocks Dream Street with a botched hip toss and catches Morrison in mid air out of a springboard with the RKO for the win.
Winner: Orton

After the match, Dibiase tries a clothesline and gets an RKO as well. Orton is starting to look like John Cena 2.

Random Commercial Thought: William Penn is waving his dick at Philadelphia as we speak.

Sheamus is in the ring as we return and saying he wants to defend his title right now and calls for a ref. He says he saw a lot of people deserved a match tonight for the title, so he’s going to give the opportunity to someone who has never had a match before just like he himself received. He gives it to Zack Ryder. Zack arrives to say he’s going to be the next WWE champion. Um. Oh dear god. I don’t know who I actually want to win.

WWE Champion Sheamus vs. Zack Ryder (WWE Title Match)

I cannot believe I just typed that. Sheamus leaps across the ring with the pump kick and wins.
Winner: Sheamus

Sheamus references the WWE rulebook (which he just made up), saying he doesn’t have to defend for thirty days now according to the rule book. He says he’ll be taking the night off at Night of Champions instead. Wade Barrett interrupts things by himself. Wade points out that he gets a title opportunity at the PPV of his choice according to the rules of NXT, so he’s taking it at Night of Champions. The GM has something to say about this I guess. Please let it be that they have to compete in Rock Paper Scissors instead of actually wrestling. The GM upholds the request, but since Sheamus spoke of opportunity, the match will include four other superstars. They are going to have the match in a six-pack challenge of Barrett, Sheamus, Jericho, Edge, Cena and Orton. All of said people storm the ring and Sheamus chucks Barrett into the middle of the growing circle.

It doesn’t end well. I guess if you’re going to have a match with Wade and Sheamus, the only way to do it is to hide them both as much as possible behind other wrestlers. He gets chucked by Sheamus after the ass kicking but then Jericho delivers a code breaker. Edge gives Jericho a spear, Cena FUs Edge and Orton finishes things with an RKO on Orton. Thankfully, Wade is rolling on the ground and doesn’t delivers his finisher.

Highlight of the Night: Miz and Cena easily put on the best match of the night, hands down, which is saying something considering who we were seeing in action.

Lowlight of the Night: The looming threat of a Wade Barrett/Sheamus title feud.

WWE “Creative” Award: That whole Nexus is a unit thing seems to have faded from relevancy entirely. Did we forget about them? Kind of just dropped off there. Why wouldn’t he have brought Nexus to the ring to face Sheamus?

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).