As we all learned last
week, the best way to push a huge threatening group
of guys is to have them win only by complete flukes,
expose how much some of them suck in the ring (read:
Wade Barrett), and then eliminate one of the members
arbitrarily. Good booking guys, go get a beer. Your
work here is obviously done.
We start things off
with a recap of the Nexus situation from last week.
I kind of passed out during the opening because five
minutes later they were still recapping things with
a replay of Orton beating on Sheamus last week as
well. Sheamus has made his way to the ring though to
comment on being made to look like a total tool the
last couple of weeks (he didn’t need much help).
Sheamus says American children are spoiled brats.
Well, I find that to be true of all kids everywhere,
the little bastards. He singles out a long haired
little boy that might be a girl, and talks some
trash. It’s funny that all the kids he points out
are happily smiling as he practically calls them
spermicidal accidents and no one else is around them
to watch them. It’s as if…GASP…they might be plants!
Sheamus reminds us that he’s the champion and as if
we are retarded the camera zooms in to fill the
screen with the title so we can’t see the damn
Sheamus says he asked the GM to not
give in to Orton by giving him the Night of
Champions shot and he should be in prison (this is
probably true, in real life and in kayfabe). The GM
responds and Cole ascends his pedestal and says
Sheamus will be rewarded for retaining his title.
The GM then orders a throne be brought out. Is that
Triple H’s Conan throne? Sheamus will be deciding
his next opponent after watching a series of matches
for which person impresses him the most. There’s one
other thing, the first match is right now and is
between Edge (who looks retarded after how he lost
last week) and someone we’ll see after the break.
Random Commercial Thought: During the break, they
bothered to tell us next week is the 900th episode.
R-truth is the opponent. Cole makes a point of how
damn long and annoying this entrance is. I actually
agree with him for once.
R-Truth vs. Edge
Truth eats a shot to the gut, but puts Edge down
with a head scissor and clotheslines him to he
floor. Truth bombs a cross body to the floor hard
and looks like he may have botched that landing
pretty bad. Truth is sent to the wall and Edge
starts to kick him around back in the ring. Edge
gives a cross body to he back of Truth. I think he
got part of the schematic for how that one works
wrong. Edge picks up a two count and works a rest
hold. After he escapes, they both clothesline each
other. For some reason, King calls this a cross body
block. Probably said it into between snorts of
cocaine. Truth rallies with some clotheslines and a
leapfrog out of the corner into a backflip. Truth
delivers a big hip toss and a leg splits for no
reason as well. He tries a harlem side kick and Edge
ducks it, hitting the Edge-o-matic. Truth dodges the
spear and goes for a scissor kick which Edge ducks
again, hitting the spear after.
Edge points out that Sheamus hasn’t beaten him yet,
so he hasn’t beaten anybody which is an equivocation
Random Commercial Thought: Metroid
Other M is going to be the best game you pick up on
Wii this year.
Back to the show where Khali
is on his way out, still limping on his leg which is
apparently injured from being kicked in the back two
weeks ago. He’s going to be losing to Jericho, whom
is also a complete loser after being owned by Wade
Barrett last week.
Chris Jericho vs. The Great Khali w/ Ranjin
Jericho tries to attack early and just gets hoisted
up and chucked across the ring before eating slaps
to he chest in the corner. Jericho is flattened by a
clubbing blow but rolls away from a leg drop,
kicking Khali in the knee several times. Jericho
slams his knee around and drags Khali by the ankle
as he tries his damndest to drag a watchable match
out of this pile of crap. It’s not working. Khali
counters Jericho’s grab for the leg with the vice
grip but Jericho manage sto slip out of the ring
before he’s beaten. He slips back in and kicks the
knee out several times before trying a code breaker
and being thrown off. Jericho literally runs into a
couple of stationary clotheslines. Khali delivers a
scoop slam and misses a running boot in the corner.
Jericho attacks the knee while he’s hung up and puts
on the Walls and Khali actually taps surprisingly
Jericho talks some
shit on Edge, claiming to be better since he was the
first Undisputed champion. Khali just chops him in
he head while he standing on the top turnbuckle
ranting and leaves Jericho rolling around on he
floor. We get a replay of Bryan being annihilated
last week by Miz before a completely unrelated
interview with Cena. Oh, apparently he’s fighting
Miz tonight. Nothing important here.
Commercial Thought: Piranha 3D is the goriest movie
since Hostel 2, and only one here fish eats a
penis then barfs it up in 3D.
Back to bad
Jillian Hall vs. Diva’s Champion
Melina (Diva’s Title Match)
Jillian starts off strong, working Melina over for a
bit with strikes and clotheslines. Melina uses the
Matrix dodge to duck a clothesline and a bulldog
picks up a two count for her. Jillian comes back
fast with another clothesline and sets up for a top
rope leg drop that has her holding a high note. Is
that what she calls it? It’s sufficiently cheesy,
the High Note. Melina than sets up her overly
complicated Last Call for the win.
LayCool appear to say high on the Titantron, saying
they will be at Raw next week and will have an offer
for her that she can’t refuse. I…I hate their
characters, it’s very annoying. Did Michelle McCool
ever learn how to wrestle? Elsewhere, The Miz is in
the back to respond to Cena. It’s nothing important
either, so just imagine some images of cute kittens
and move on.
Random Commercial Thought:
Resident Evil is trying to kill itself hard.
Back to the show where Nexus arrive to receive a
decision from the GM that says the ban on Nexus
competing for title is now lifted. Wade then calls
off the Nexus truce with Sheamus. Oh god. The
prospect of a Wade Barrett/Sheamus match fills me
with never-ending horror. Apparently since that was
really time consuming we’ll just go back to
commercial. Didn’t we just have one two minutes ago?
Random Commercial Thought: I arrange my pizzas like
We return to Cena and Miz about
to mix it up.
John Cena vs. US Champion The Miz
and stomps Cena down into the ground when he goes
for the tie up. Cena is sent back into the corner by
an irish whip and Miz is actually pretty strong here
so Cena no sells it and crushes him with a side slam
for one. Cena misses a corner charge and botches it,
almost forgetting to send his shoulder into the ring
post apparently. Miz delivers a side suplex follow
up for two. Cena powers back from this with the
fisherman’s suplex for two. King and Cole discuss
the non-existence of Cole’s social life. It was
actually legitimately depressing. Way to kill my
mood. Miz delivers a leg drop for two. Miz beats on
Cena, but Cena decks him in return, going up top for
the guillotine leg drop. Miz takes his dear sweet
time recovering until Cena is up top, sending Cena
to the floor as we go to the all-to-familiar
Random Commercial Thought: Betty
White fucks everyone’s girlfriend, it’s okay.
Back to the show where Miz is wrapped around John
Cena tightly. No homo. Cena escapes the sleeper hold
by slamming Miz back into the corner. Miz blocks the
bulldog by tossing out Cena and delivers a sharp
running kick for two. Miz hammers on Cena over the
ring apron and delivers a running knee to the
temple. Miz continues to destroy Cena for a bit, me
completely missing what he did to earn his next two
count, I’m sure it was nice. Miz misses his bronco
buster though and Cena goes to his general offense.
Cena hit’s the five knuckle shuffle and goes for the
FU but Miz counters into a backbreaker/neck breaker
combo that was an a pretty awesome move. This picks
up a two count. Miz looks for the skull crushing
finale, but of course, Cena slings him out of it and
trips Miz into the STF.
Miz makes the stretch
to the bottom rope instead of tapping, which is a
surprising finish. Cena charges Miz and runs into a
big kick which garners a two count. Miz goes for
another Skullcrushing Finale, but Cena counters into
the FU. Miz pulls himself out by the ropes and runs
to the floor. Daniel Bryan then attacks from behind
and shoves Miz into the ring for the DQ.
Cena gives Miz an FU and leaves him to be
eat one of Bryan’s submissions as we go to
commercial. That was actually a pretty good match,
but it would be nice to actually see Daniel Bryan
win a match before the end of the fucking year.
Random Commercial Thought: Two birds in the bush is
worth ABOLUTELY JACK SHIT.
Back to the show
where they replay Tamina coming onto Santino who is
out for some tag team action.
& Vladimir Kozlov vs. The Usos w/ Tamina (#1
Santino starts things off
in this match with an Uso. Whichever one it is. He
goes for some goofy martial arts kicks and backs him
into the corner. When they are broke up, he scares
him right back in with the fucking Cobra. Oh, it’s
Jimmy. Jimmy kicks him down and tags out to Jey who
crushes Santino and picks up a two count off of a
leg drop. Jimmy is back in but he rushes headlong
into a hip toss. Santino goes for a dropkick and
misses, nailing himself. Jey starts to hammer on
Santino while down. Vladimir starts a Santino chant
that takes off. Jey works a submission, hitting Vlad
off the apron. Santino attacks from behind and makes
Vladimir goes for his head butt and
running power slam for a two count when Jimmy breaks
it up and is tossed to the floor. Jey delivers a
super kick to Santino, but the Sambo defeats Jey.
Winners: Santino & Kozlov
interference between the Usos and Santino who go to
kick his ass after the match. Tamina blows him a
kiss though some kind of goofy invisible blow dart.
Damn black people. In other new, Tamina is kind of
weird looking. That’s how all girls come on to me.
They have their friends beat me up and then blow me
kisses. Last time I tried to have my friends beat up
a girl I like, I was arrested though. Sheamus is
absent from his throne in apparent “deliberation” in
some undisclosed location.
Thought: What the hell is Warehouse 13?
Maryse and Ted are out as we return. Apparently he’s
taking on John Morrison since we’re out of people to
have matches I guess. Oh, also Randy Orton is
Thought: Was the announcer coming onto that
Back to where we re just getting
the match started.
Randy Orton vs. John Morrison vs. Ted Dibiase w/
Sheamus looks all
pissed as the match starts and seems to be taking a
walk somewhere. Dibiase attacks Morrison right away,
sending him to the floor. Orton starts to work over
Dibiase who is dragged to the floor by Morrison.
Morrison crushes him with a flash kick and ties up
with Orton. Orton runs Morrison down for a one count
and works a headlock. Morrison delivers a dropkick
as soon as he escapes, but Dibaise breaks up the
pinfall and dumps Morrison to the floor since it is
his turn now. Dibiase gets a two count on Orton and
stomps him into the corner, choking him out.
Morrison comes back in but eats a big neck breaker
from Dibiase for two.
Orton is back up
shortly with clotheslines on Dibiase and a scoop
slam on each of them. Dibiase falls victim to the
DDT setup, but Morrison misses a flash kick somehow
by just awkwardly landing on Orton’s back and falls
off or something. Dibiase eats the DDT. Orton sets
up an RKO, but Morrison delivers a kick to knock him
down before being dumped to the floor. Orton blocks
Dream Street with a botched hip toss and catches
Morrison in mid air out of a springboard with the
RKO for the win.
match, Dibiase tries a clothesline and gets an RKO
as well. Orton is starting to look like John Cena 2.
Random Commercial Thought: William Penn is waving
his dick at Philadelphia as we speak.
is in the ring as we return and saying he wants to
defend his title right now and calls for a ref. He
says he saw a lot of people deserved a match tonight
for the title, so he’s going to give the opportunity
to someone who has never had a match before just
like he himself received. He gives it to Zack Ryder.
Zack arrives to say he’s going to be the next WWE
champion. Um. Oh dear god. I don’t know who I
actually want to win.
WWE Champion Sheamus vs. Zack Ryder (WWE
I cannot believe
I just typed that. Sheamus leaps across the ring
with the pump kick and wins.
Sheamus references the WWE rulebook (which he just
made up), saying he doesn’t have to defend for
thirty days now according to the rule book. He says
he’ll be taking the night off at Night of Champions
instead. Wade Barrett interrupts things by himself.
Wade points out that he gets a title opportunity at
the PPV of his choice according to the rules of NXT,
so he’s taking it at Night of Champions. The GM has
something to say about this I guess. Please let it
be that they have to compete in Rock Paper Scissors
instead of actually wrestling. The GM upholds the
request, but since Sheamus spoke of opportunity, the
match will include four other superstars. They are
going to have the match in a six-pack challenge of
Barrett, Sheamus, Jericho, Edge, Cena and Orton. All
of said people storm the ring and Sheamus chucks
Barrett into the middle of the growing circle.
It doesn’t end well. I guess if you’re going to have
a match with Wade and Sheamus, the only way to do it
is to hide them both as much as possible behind
other wrestlers. He gets chucked by Sheamus after
the ass kicking but then Jericho delivers a code
breaker. Edge gives Jericho a spear, Cena FUs Edge
and Orton finishes things with an RKO on Orton.
Thankfully, Wade is rolling on the ground and
doesn’t delivers his finisher.
Highlight of the Night:
Miz and Cena easily put on the best match of the
night, hands down, which is saying something
considering who we were seeing in action.
Lowlight of the Night:
The looming threat of a Wade Barrett/Sheamus title
WWE “Creative” Award:
That whole Nexus is a unit thing seems to have faded
from relevancy entirely. Did we forget about them?
Kind of just dropped off there. Why wouldn’t he have
brought Nexus to the ring to face Sheamus?