WWE RAW RANT

by Cameron Burge

August 22, 2011

Welcome back to the Best Damn Nitro Rant. I can only assume this is the case because I have no other reason for why Kevin Nash is on this fucking show.

Raw 08.22.11

The show opens straight with Alberto Del Rio who gets out of his car and flashes his belt like it’s his dick on a subway. I’ve always wondered why this guy drives to the ring then backs UP the ramp from where he started. We get a replay of Mysterio being injured, even though he already was injured, they still manage to use it as an excuse. I find that especially funny since I am to assume he injured his leg by being put in an arm bar. Alberto is going to introduce himself when he is interrupted by John Cena.

Cena gets SRS BSNS or whatever the kids are typing it as nowadays. He says everyone already knows who he is and introduces himself. He should have made up a funny name. He says he’s going to take the title and hurt him as well and insinuates that Alberto gets all the money and cars from his parents. Cena says only one man in the company can go toe to toe with him, but Alberto isn’t CM Punk so he’s about to get an ass whipping. This calls forth Punk like the Candyman, only with less repetition. It also summoned pants for him. Punk asks if this is a rerun of Raw since John Cena wants another title match. He’s seen this one before, but since he beat Cena twice, he has more claim to the belt. This is perfectly legitimate since Cena didn’t even hold the title that Alberto won. Cena just has Batista’s cheat code.

Why does Alberto keep opening his scarf to show his belt as if we can’t see it with the scarf closed. Punk tells him not to interrupt him, but he has no problem with what Alberto did, since he did it twice and better than him. He says Punk and Cena have had problems with Triple H in the past, then Nash gets a magic text to take out Punk. He points out that the text would have been sent no matter who won because whoever sent it wants Alberto to be champion very much. The crowd seems to be bored. Punk says he is cashing in his rematch. Cena says he is cashing in his tonight which makes no sense. Punk says Cena’s clause only exists as much as Santa Clause. They start arguing more and more over who gets it even though Cena says he will give Punk a shot after he wins. Alberto says he is ignoring them since he just defended last week and it is time for a celebration, just not in front of a bunch of fat canucks.

Triple H decides to intervene. Trips has definitely deflated as of late. He reminds Alberto he is not out to protect him and he has a match coming up next, but not against either of these guys. He says rematch clauses don’t get cashed in like MitB winners. He says the winner of a match tonight will determine who gets their rematch first.

After a break, we get John Morrison as Alberto’s opponent for the night. He’s doomed. Prematch is a replay of the blow off from last week between him and Truth.

WWE Champion Alberto Del Rio w/ Ricardo Rodriguez vs. John Morrison (Non-Title Match)

Alberto has a shit-eating grin on his face. He taunts and backs off from Morrison which eats him some punches as Morrison beats him down into the ropes. He ducks an Alberto clothesline and kicks him down for a one count. Alberto hangs him up on the top rope, but Morrison counters by springing right back to trip him up and gets two. Del Rio comes back with a low blow and starts beating Morrison down. Cole starts talking over JR to talk up Alberto. Alberto is working the arm now, bending it over the ropes and working a really weird kind of arm bar. Morrison fights up, but gets kicks in the stomach. Morrison slips through the legs though and drops Alberto with a dropkick to the chest. Ooooh you were talking all that good shit before. Then you got kicked in yo’ chest.

Alberto turns it back around after a rest hold and tries to work some waist locks, but Morrison tosses him through the ropes to the floor. He springboards from the apron to the top rope into a moonsault, but Del Rio runs away and Morrison lands on his feet only to be chucked into a barricade for the commercial break. After the break, Del Rio is working a rest hold and picking up a close fall. Morrison fights free only to eat the tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Alberto delivers a power slam while Cole compares Morrison to an avocado. Yeah, I don’t know either. Morrison fights to his feet for the fiftieth time only to be forced into the corner. He back body drops Alberto over the corner to the floor while Ricardo gives him words of encouragement.

I find it odd that Ricardo is allowed to have the title instead of a ring staff member. Back in the ring, Morrison delivers clotheslines and a kick into a side Russian leg sweep for two. Morrison seems to be going for Starship Pain, but Alberto is up. They trade blows and Alberto lands a German Suplex pin that JR calls a belly to back. He goes for the cross arm breaker, but Morrison counters it into a schoolboy for two. Morrison comes off the ropes into a botches DDT manuever that looks like a high flying version of the original way the Rock used to do his DDT. Morrison goes for the shining wizard, but Alberto catches him only to be countered into a hurricanrana instead. Alberto and Morrison trade blows again, but Morrison responds to a head butt with the flash kick. He climbs up for starship pain, but Alberto rolls free. Morrison lands on his feet, but is chucked into the ring post and locked into the arm bar for the tap out.

Winner: Alberto

Predictable post match beat down ensues with more arm bar. Chris Jericho would be proud. They threaten us with more divas match before a commercial break. Eve is out to take on Nikki Bella with new theme music I’ve never heard before. We get a Beth and Natalya promo where they still look ridiculously hot to me, and talk about hat they want. They don’t tell us. Um…what was the point? Anyway this match is still under my diva recapping boycott. I’m sure it sucked. Eve won and Kelly beat up Brie with a fameasser. Beth and Natalya appear for more applauding. We then see Kevin Nash rocking his laest shirt possible in the back on his way out before a break.

Vickie Guerrero is what we get next and I’m not sure which I would rather see right now between her and Nash. Jack Swagger is out as a “possible new client.” Alex got the jobber entrance.

Alex Riley vs. Jack Swagger vs. Vickie Guerrero

Hey, it’s Black Ref! Swagger wrestles Riley down early and works a waist lock. Riley forces his way out only to get hoisted into a spinning power slam. Riley is probably wishing he stayed FCW champion. Riley comes back with a spine buster as we see Dolph charging down to the ring in a suit looking all pissed at Vickie. Maybe he needs JR’s hat again to make him happy. In the background, Riley seems to be refusing to go up for the gut wrench power bomb, but it isn’t really clear if he was supposed to take it or not as he escapes into a clothesline. Vickie gets shoved down, but nobody cares. Swagger gets up in Dolph’s face about it as Dolph tries to explain she fell on her own. Swagger shoves Dolph over it and then runs into a schoolboy.

Winner: Riley

Dolph drags Vickie off as they start fighting and Swagger continues to look like angry Biff. After another break, it’s time for Triple H. I’m surprised he didn’t use his other theme song for this entrance the way he used to. He’s going to have words with Nash. Also X-Pac might join them for tea. Nash arrives to R-Truth’s old theme. I want to know why there is a sign of Animal from the Muppets. Nash stammers through his promo and says he isn’t going to apologize to Punk after the shit he said last week. He begs Trips not to make him apologize like some kind of pussy. He says Nash doesn’t work here, so he has to do it, but Nash says since he doesn’t, he can’t be calling guys out in the ring and threatening them. If he really wants to, he’ll have to go to Tim Horton’s across the street and beat him lifeless. He then asks him to please just leave. Punk decides this is dramatically convenient of enough time to appear.

The supposed Best in the World is feuding with fucking Kevin Nash. He makes a bunch of Clue jokes about who sent the text. He says he has his money on Stephanie with a candle stick in the library because he ran out of witty things. Punk admits to being a habitual line stepper. Big CM Punk chants build as he says he is just going to kick his ass, but Trips makes the save. He gets up on Trips and asks who is really calling the shots before saying it is probably his bean-headed wife. Trips says he promised the board he wouldn’t get involved physically, but he’s still the same guy he has always been and if he crosses the line with him, he will leave him lying where he stands. Punk says he wouldn’t want Trips to have to fold up his suit and put it in his wife’s purse where he obviously keeps his cell phone and balls. That’s where I keep mine. Nash socks Punk one and he and Trips escape while arguing about it. Punk just sits and laughs.

After the break, Trips is telling him not to put his hands on superstars. Nash wants to know if he’s really going to act like this now before accusing Trips of changing. I don’t caaaaarrrreee about Kevin Nash.

Chocolate & Vanilla Midget vs. WWE Tag Team Champions David Otunga & Mike McStupidName (Tag Team Title Match)

Kofi is still rocking the baby blue shorts, but he still has the green Jamaican shirt which just makes him look dorky. Bourne starts out with Not Hennig. Mike delivers some hard shots, but Bounre flips out of a headlock take over into some kicks. He tags in Kofi for a drop toe hold combo that gets two for Kofi. Cole and the announcers start talking about naming the Kofi-Bourne team, but I think I’ve already got a good one for them. Kofi is destroying Mike and signals Trouble in Paradise, but Otunga pulls him to safety. Kofi retardedly tries to chase and gets beat down while Bourne just watches like a moron.

Kofi gets ran down by some double teaming in the corner as Mike shows he actually has charisma by heel popping the crowd with some shit talk. David tries to wrestle in the background. It’s funny when he tries. He delivers a scoop slam that gets two before he forgot to do a leg drop. Orton lock. He slams Kofi on the back of his head and tags in Mike who delivers a dropkick double team move that is actually pretty nice while King buries them as boring. Kind of bad timing on that one. Mike works a headlock on Kofi and delivers a scoop slam when he tries to fight free. Kofi springs his lead up into a laying head scissor and makes the tag.

Evan leaps in and destroying Otunga with fling knees and kicks for two. Mike has to make the save and gets headscissored out over the top rope. Kofi delivers Trouble in Paradise while on the apron to Otunga and Evan nails Air Bourne for the three.

Winners: Bourne & Kingston or McStupidName if you listen to JR.

Impressive tag match. Really sets the stage for a reignited tag division. After a break, they replay the end of the previous match. Kofi cuts a promo in the back about how bad ass they are. They are then jumped by Zack Ryder with champagne and….JACK TUNNEY?! The fuck? Triple H is contacted by John Laryngitis in the back when he says Nash just had a car crash and is in the hospital. The crowd couldn’t care less. Oh look, Santino. He’s dead.

Oh, never mind he‘s dead before the match even starts. Miz and R-Truth beat the holy fucking shit out of him down the ramp and into the ring. He has to eat their finishers. Miz is either grumpy that he didn’t get a sandwich this time, or the conspiracy is still in work. Truth argues in what chants against the crowd. He says they are gonna make him lose his mind…up in hear? Up in hear. Truth tells Miz that Steph, Trips, Cena, and others are all sitting around the conspiracy table and they conspire. Also something about the Rooster from Brewster? The fuck? Miz says he can’t believe he is saying this, because Truth is right. There is a conspiracy. He says the “what what what” makes them sound like a bunch of ducks. It’s true. Miz also points out that this year he won the main event at Wrestlemania and when Triple H is in control of Raw, he’s picking a fight with Jared from Subway. Huge “you suck” chants here.

There’s another Waldo in the audience today, in about the same place. Fucking weird. Miz complains that Santino hasn’t won a match in five years when he is the most must see WWE champion of all time. They say they will just take their opportunities from now on instead of waiting. They even combine their catchphrases. Oh my God I want them to feud for the tag title now….then they rap to Truth’s music insulting the crowd. I’ pretty sure all that was left of the show was the main event, so we’re just skipping to that because I’m lazier than Kevin Nash BY FAR. Alberto is out to watch the main event.

CM Punk vs. John Cena (#1 Contender’s Match)

They tie up with Punk and Cena working some quick chain wrestling. Punk humps Cena’s crotch with his head for a bit which is funny. There are some side headlocks while King moronically declares Punk to be bad while JR and Cole sound completely baffled. Punk shoulder blocks Cena down and signals a five knuckle shuffle in a hilarious manner, but Cena dodges and goes into his shoulder blocks. He does a you can’t see me taunt and gets caught in a small package for two. Punk shuts him down with some kicks and hit’s the Pepsi One in the corner. Punk sits on the apron and taunts Del Rio before being chucked to the floor by Cena in front of him as Alberto laughs.

After a break, I realize Johnny Ace is here too since he is in control of the show now. Cena and Punk trade finisher attempts, but both escape. Punk hit’s a kick and gets caught in a leapfrog in the corner into an FU attempt. He escapes and delivers a top rope flying clothesline to Cena for two. Punk delivers some knees to the head and goes for a GTS, but Cena falls down into the STF. Punk blocks only for Cena to counter into the crippler crossface. He does it really poorly. Punk makes the rope and dodges a corner charge that has Cena charging into the ring post. He slows it way down too much and it looks bad. Punk lands a GTS follow up, but it only gets two. Macho Elbow time. Cena dodges as it takes for fucking ever. Cena goes up top now for the guillotine leg drop and it hits. Cover only gets two though.

They both get to their feet and Cena goes for an FU, but Punk elbows his way out until he has elbowed John to death. The ref drags him off and Punk delivers a flying knee to the side of the head for two. Good thing that wasn’t an MMA match. Cena decides to no sell that shit and goes for the FU that gets two too. Cena charges Punk into a corner and sets him up top. Punk delivers head butts to send Cena flying before hitting a cross body. Cena rolls through into an FU attempt, but Punk flips through into a sunset flip for two. Cena is up, but he turns into the round kick to the back of the head. Punk signals GTS. Nash appears on the ring ramp to distract him, saying it isn’t over. He’s doing pretty well for a car crash victim.

Punk turns around into an FU like a moron.

Winner: Cena

Nash just turns about and leaves as Del Rio rushes the ring to beat down Cena. He drops Cena with a step enziguiri in the corner and delivers some more beat down until Johnny Ace drags him off. Del Rio breaks away anyway, so they drag him off again. Wrestlers would make good career criminals. Del Rio breaks away yet again to nail Cena with the belt his time until the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Tag title match was really good. Cena/Punk 3 as pretty standard and formulaic.

Lowlight of the Night: Nash is on my TV more than ever before.

WWE “Creative” Award: Nash AND Tunney? Wow.

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.