Welcome to the Latest Raw
Rant….Period! I aim to please. Tonight we have
Freddie Prinze Jr, star of such CINEMATIC
MASTERPIECES as…Scooby Doo….I Know What You Did Last
Summer….um, let’s just move on I guess.
Tonights show is
live (taped on my VCR) from St Louis, Mo. We open
with theme and pyro before Freddie comes out to
flaunt his non-existent career and talk about how
much he’s always loved wrestling, which somehow
involved him eating ice cream that makes you vomit.
Mmm delicious. He decides to start Summerslam right
now, which makes perfect sense, it will be the
longest, most expensive PPV ever. We’re putting the
US title and Diva’s title on the line it seems and
tonight is also the return of DX. I think his cheers
are totally piped in. We then get some of the
darkest most generic evil music ever before…the guy
with a hook from I Know What You Did Last Summer
comes to the ring. I wonder what else is on. You
know, there was a James Bond marathon on earlier
He says he knows what we did last
summer. I swear I didn’t mean to masturbate so much.
He says he knows what he’s gonna do this summer
too…put him in one of his movies. It’s Santino. He
wants to be in another sequel to this terrible
series that needs to die a horrible, painful death.
Santino auditions in various outfits and theme music
for different genres of movies. This whole segment
takes about as long as, and is about as painful as,
a root canal. Eventually he is sent on his way and
goes to make one more announcement before we are
interrupted by Randy Orton. I’m still trying to
figure out what the motivation is supposed to be
with Orton being mad at all the guest hosts. Does he
just hate all people naturally for no reason?
Orton is mad about teaming with Cena and our
illustrious host fields his question and tells him
to stow it in his ass and suck it up. Live with that
mental imagery. Orton gets mad when he’s told off
and puts Prinze in his inverted back breaker for his
trouble. Some of the crowd actually demands that he
follow this up with an RKO but he pussies out and
leaves. What a bitch.
Thought: How many licks does it take to get to the
center of Jennifer Lopez?
Back to the show
where we get a replay of the MIND-NUMBING HORROR
that just took place…which was Freddie Prinze Jr
trying to sell a move. Anyway, we get our Owen
voices segment before Kofi Kingston is out to defend
his strap for us. Carlit’s hair is going to
challenge for this.
United States Champion Kofi
Kingston vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool w/ Rosa Mendez
(US Title Match)
Carlito tries to be aggressive, but Kofi
quickly gains control only to be tripped after
several leap frogs and casually kicked to the curb.
Sucks to be him. That will teach him to pretend to
Random Commercial Thought: It
bothers me when dudes have light hair and dark
beards. That’s just fucking weird. Either dye both
the same color or just let the natural colors out.
Back to the show for headlocks. Whoo! Exciting. Kofi
walks into a round kick that leaves him floored for
a two count. Carlito pounds on Kofi in the corner
before stomping him right down to the floor. They
list of some of the major people to ever hold the US
Title, but none of the lame ones like that black
man-servant of JBL’s. Yeah that never happened.
Carlito goes for a suplex but Kofi flips out and
delivers a Russian Leg Sweep. Chops to the chest and
a drop kick before Kingston delivers this weird flip
move I still can’t describe. He puts Carlito down
for two and delivers Boom Boom Boom for another two.
Rosa smiles on with her plastic face while Kofi
catches Carlito for two with a top rope cross body.
Carlito eats a massive uppercut for trying to throw
Kofi, falling flat on his ass for two again. Kofi
slips out in the corner for a kick to the head
before getting a cross body again but this time
Carlito rolls through into a two count. Kofi
springboards off the middle rope but his Trouble in
Paradise bombs. Carlito puts him down with a neck
breaker for two. The Backstabber is blocked and Kofi
shoves Carlito off into Trouble in Paradise for
I don’t get to say
this often these days, but that was definitely an
Random Commercial Thought: Why
are two of the Summerslam Big Gulp cups featuring
superstars that aren’t even at Summerslam this year?
When we come back we have a kid behind the announcer
swinging his arm in a “You Can’t See Me” for so long
and so fast he seems to be having some kind of
retard seizure. We have a “Best of” DX video
package. I think that might be a bit subjective in
their selection but who am I to argue? We get a
pointless text poll over who will win the main event
and something even more pointless than that next,
The Miz. Oh great, they’ve decided to get rid of his
entire wardrobe and replace it with a tiny tight
speedo. Oh great. Just what I thought the Miz was
lacking, more visibility of his package during
matches. He says he’s a new man with a new look and
attitude…and new mouth. Had to wash the cock out of
the old one I guess. He challenges Kofi for the US
title because he’s apparently awesome. Not very. Why
doesn’t he do something cool like light himself on
fire before claiming that? He might die, but it
would surely be awesome.
Thought: Wichita sucks. I thought you all should
know that in case you were even considering paying a
visit. Stay the fuck away!
We return to Evan
Bourne arriving for his match with the much more
Evan Bourne vs. The Miz
Bourne gets beat down in the corner but he comes
back with a weird, fucked up looking dropkick for
two. Miz rallies back with a devastating clothesline
and runs Bourne down with some boots to the jaw and
a chicken wing on the ground now. He bows Bourne
back in a pretty scary looking position. I never
really desired to see Bourne’s ribs that well. Miz
works Bourne over in the corner and rocks a
clothesline into him. Miz comes out off the top (lol
*gay joke* here) and runs right into a dropkick.
Bourne suicide divas and back in the ring he
delivers a head scissors. Standing moonsault from
Bourne picks up a two count. Miz goes for a small
package which gets two. A knew to the face sets up
for Bourne up top but Miz racks him. Bourne kicks
him and Miz pulls Bourne off into an Electric Chair
which he switches up into a reverse Russian Leg
Sweep that he calls ridiculously “The Skullcrushing
Finale” for the win.
Winner: The Miz
cameras are in the back still waiting for DX, but
for now we’ll have to make due with the exciting
drama of the random forklift instead. Oooo….aaaaah.
Random Commercial Thought: Last House on the Left is
probably the first remake I’ve ever seen that is
less graphic than the original.
Back to the
show where we pimp out the main event some more as
well as DX. More video packages about DX now with
this one being about last week and why Trips was
looking for Michaels. At least he totally
bitch-kicked that little girl. All adults should
treat kids like this. Speaking of DX, a limo finally
arrives carrying our DX members who are reunited for
ONE NIGHT ONLY (bullshit). Trips has to coax
Michaels out of the car like a little kid. Slap
Fight! I’m not joke, they really had one. Jillian
and Alicia freak out over them and sing their theme.
Erm…okay then….at least they put a trash can on her.
Santino does his cop impression from earlier tonight
and asks them where the bomb is so Shawn super kicks
him. Oh, well that was pretty cool.
Commercial Thought: Have I ever mention my somewhat
extreme love of pancakes? Oh indeed I do.
Back to the show where DX is finally making it to
the ring now. They proceed to do what is quite
possibly the unfunniest slapstick bit I have seen
since Gigli…wait that movie was a comedy right? The
crowd reaction is still pretty dead tonight, which
it has been like all night pretty much. They
eventually get a pretty good DX chant going while
Trips asks Shawn if it’s good to be back or not.
Trips proceeds to waste some time before getting
around to his Michael Buffer impression and then
getting his ass kicked by Legacy. Trips is sent to
the floor and a double team starts on Michaels,
beating his ass down in the corner. Trips tries to
make the save but is crippled at the knee and
annihilated as well. Best. Return. Ever. Rhodes also
hits Trips in the face a couple of times with
Michaels’ cowboy boot. Dibiase says that yes they
are ready apparently. That’s good then. Maybe they’d
be ready to get me a sandwich then. I’m staving.
Random Commercial Thought: Why is Wrestlemania 25
going to be on regular TV? What is the point of
Back to the “return of DX” or as I like
to call it “The Fail-a-thon”. And now, the Diva’s
title match! Mickie James bops on out before being
joined by her opponent for the night. I guess
Freddie had other things to do than host all night
tonight, since we’ve had no updates on how he’s
doing after getting his ass handed to him. Gail Kim
is challenging for the belt here, looking as Asian
Champion Mickie James vs. Gail Kim (Diva’s Title
Mickie starts off with an arm wrench but Gail
rolls through. They both show off some acrobatics
before trading dropkicks. Mickie tries a big round
kick but it whiffs before sends Gail to the corner.
Gail slips out and snakes back into the ring,
pulling Mickie down into a pin for two. They both
Small package each other trying to roll through it
back and forth. It looks like an orgy ball, rolling
around on the mat hilariously into a tightly wrapped
flesh sandwich…..er, what was I talking about? They
continue to trade the very same moves with each
other. Gail eventually gain control and delivers a
head ram to the mid section in the corner. Missile
dropkick picks up a two count for Kim. Mickie
rallies back and tries for her DDT. Gail spins out
into her own finisher but Mickie rolls through into
a half boston crab. Gail makes the ropes though.
Gail comes back with a roll up for two and Mickie
decks her one hard for the insult. Mickie tries the
DDT again but Gail blocks it , and by blocks it, I
mean, she seems to botch it bad and fall awkwardly.
Mickie tries a mule kick but misses entirely so she
delivers a light shove to follow up which somehow
gets a three to end the epic failure of these last
Gail looks like
she might be legit hurt here as Mickie celebrates
and the crowd is confused. Mickie helps Gail up and
raises her hand as we get a replay of Freddie being
wrecked. Cole tells us Freddie is back now but
hurting before we go to Josh in the back with John
Cena. They said it was a very special guest and now
I feel cheated. Cena gives a pretty long spiel about
Orton and the match later that’s actually a little
funny at parts. I would point out how, but we all
know you don’t care. And also Chris Jericho was
there….and Big Show. They say he might not make it
to Summerslam as they might squish him like a grape.
Random Commercial Thought: To no one’s surprise,
G.I. Joe sucked.
Random match has already
started. Way to really make that transition awkward,
Swagger vs. MVP
Swagger is wrestling MVP down to the mat and
slaps him over the back of the head. He taunts MVP
for a bit before MVP just knocks him flat on his ass
and starts pummeling swagger around the ring and
onto the announce desk. Swagger fights his way back
into the ring and just starts kicking MVP’s ass. He
beats MVP into a corner and kicks the shit out of
him so bad that the ref delivers a DQ for such an
After the match, MVP tackles Swagger and beats him
back before he makes a retreat. Freddie is seen in
the back headed to the ring and unhappy before we go
Random Commercial Thought: I
know what you did last Thursday. You should talk to
your mother that way.
And here’s Chavo. Must
be midget time. Indeed it is. It’s apparently a
Falls Count Anywhere match this time. Sure, why the
Chavo Guerrero vs. Hornswoggle (Falls Count Anwhere)
Chavo chases Horny under the ring and they
both disappear. Oh yay, I sure love seeing nothing
at all. Chavo comes back out with a toilet seat and
gets taunted from the other side of the ring. Chavo
chases Hornswoggle to the back He demands to know of
Primo where he went, but the path Primo points him
on is proving fruitless so fall. God, I don’t think
we should have to deal with this. The segment is
starting to get some heavy boos. Chavo opens a door
and gets knocked out with a pint can, Home Alone
style for the three.
Sure. Why the hell not. Chavo wakes up to find Henry
laughing and says it was him. Henry denies it and
steps aside to reveal…Mccully Culkin?….I. Hate.
This. King and Cole are in the ring now to pimp
Summerslam. Card rundown go!
Commercial Thought: I could just try to forget that
ever happened, but it might take years of therapy.
Back to the show that has more cameos than The Last
Action Hero. Floyd Mayweather is our host next week.
Didn’t we already get enough of him the last time we
had him around? Apparently nobody voted for the tag
champs to win this one tonight. I find their lack of
faith disturbing. Show and Jericho make their way
out and Orton is close behind. I’ve always wondered
why it is that no matter what is going on, Cena is
always the last person to make it out. Before the
match can start. Freddie drags himself back out. He
tells Orton that he’s a taking a page out of his
book and making it a lumberjack match. He handpicked
them as ones who hate Orton. King starts naming some
of the lumberjacks but hilariously seems to come up
short on a name for Jamie Noble. I don’t blame him.
Random Commercial Thought: Kicking it old school.
Back to the show where the match is underway.
Unified Tag Team Champions Chris Jericho & The Big
Show vs. WWE Heavyweight Champion Randy Orton & John
Cena (Non-Title Lumberjack match)
Cena is being worked over by Big Show.
Apparently Jericho got wrecked by the lumberjacks
during the break but Cena palled around with them.
Orton demands a tag from Cena but pulls his hand
away when Cena tries to crawl to the tag from the
stalking Big Show. Show starts punching Cena around
and delivers some chops in the corners. Cena trips
Show up during a corner charge and forces a tag on
Orton, throwing him into the ring. Orton doth
protest too much. He turns around and is squished by
a spear. On the outside, Orton is picked apart by
the lumberjacks. Henry bench presses Orton back into
Show chokes Orton out in the corner
well beyond a necessary count but since this match
isn’t scheduled to end that way, he doesn’t get a
DQ. Big Show pulls a leg drop on Orton while they
are both standing which is pretty crazy. Jericho
tags in and delivers some sharp kicks and punches on
the ground. Jericho goes to a sleeper hold on Orton
and works him down to the ground but Orton suplexes
out. Cena demands a tag from Orton. Orton crawls
over but Jericho drags him back to hold him for a
leg drop from Big Show. Nerve hold, AKA awkward
leaning pose of hands on shoulders. Big Show
delivers a big suplex and walks on Orton like a big,
gay, sweaty carpet. Jericho runs into a power slam
and Cena demands another tag but Jericho prevents it
again. Orton breaks free of a headlock but runs into
an elbow. Orton dodges the lionsault and Cena takes
the tag, squashing Jericho with the usual faire.
Five Knuckle Shuffle is blocked by a choke from Big
Show, but he’s
kicked to the floor and Cena FUs
Jericho for the win.
Winners: Orton & Jericho
After the match, Orton delivers an RKO to Cena and
Show and Jericho add an extra beat down. The
lumberjacks make the save but get thrown out until
Cena takes Show and Jericho out himself to taunt
Orton from the ring. That’s all she wrote.
Highlight of the Night:
Definitely the Kofi/Carlito match. Amazing
wrestling, and no dropped spots. Perfect.
Lowlight of the Night:
The botch-fest between Mickie and Gail. Horrible.
WWE “Creative” Award:
Mccully Culkin? Lulwut?