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RAW RANT:
(08/17/09)
By Cameron Burge

Welcome to the Latest Raw Rant….Period! I aim to please. Tonight we have Freddie Prinze Jr, star of such CINEMATIC MASTERPIECES as…Scooby Doo….I Know What You Did Last Summer….um, let’s just move on I guess.

Raw 08.18.09

Tonights show is live (taped on my VCR) from St Louis, Mo. We open with theme and pyro before Freddie comes out to flaunt his non-existent career and talk about how much he’s always loved wrestling, which somehow involved him eating ice cream that makes you vomit. Mmm delicious. He decides to start Summerslam right now, which makes perfect sense, it will be the longest, most expensive PPV ever. We’re putting the US title and Diva’s title on the line it seems and tonight is also the return of DX. I think his cheers are totally piped in. We then get some of the darkest most generic evil music ever before…the guy with a hook from I Know What You Did Last Summer comes to the ring. I wonder what else is on. You know, there was a James Bond marathon on earlier today….

He says he knows what we did last summer. I swear I didn’t mean to masturbate so much. He says he knows what he’s gonna do this summer too…put him in one of his movies. It’s Santino. He wants to be in another sequel to this terrible series that needs to die a horrible, painful death. Santino auditions in various outfits and theme music for different genres of movies. This whole segment takes about as long as, and is about as painful as, a root canal. Eventually he is sent on his way and goes to make one more announcement before we are interrupted by Randy Orton. I’m still trying to figure out what the motivation is supposed to be with Orton being mad at all the guest hosts. Does he just hate all people naturally for no reason?

Orton is mad about teaming with Cena and our illustrious host fields his question and tells him to stow it in his ass and suck it up. Live with that mental imagery. Orton gets mad when he’s told off and puts Prinze in his inverted back breaker for his trouble. Some of the crowd actually demands that he follow this up with an RKO but he pussies out and leaves. What a bitch.

Random Commercial Thought: How many licks does it take to get to the center of Jennifer Lopez?

Back to the show where we get a replay of the MIND-NUMBING HORROR that just took place…which was Freddie Prinze Jr trying to sell a move. Anyway, we get our Owen voices segment before Kofi Kingston is out to defend his strap for us. Carlit’s hair is going to challenge for this.

United States Champion Kofi Kingston vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool w/ Rosa Mendez (US Title Match)

Carlito tries to be aggressive, but Kofi quickly gains control only to be tripped after several leap frogs and casually kicked to the curb. Sucks to be him. That will teach him to pretend to be Jamaican.

Random Commercial Thought: It bothers me when dudes have light hair and dark beards. That’s just fucking weird. Either dye both the same color or just let the natural colors out.

Back to the show for headlocks. Whoo! Exciting. Kofi walks into a round kick that leaves him floored for a two count. Carlito pounds on Kofi in the corner before stomping him right down to the floor. They list of some of the major people to ever hold the US Title, but none of the lame ones like that black man-servant of JBL’s. Yeah that never happened. Carlito goes for a suplex but Kofi flips out and delivers a Russian Leg Sweep. Chops to the chest and a drop kick before Kingston delivers this weird flip move I still can’t describe. He puts Carlito down for two and delivers Boom Boom Boom for another two.

Rosa smiles on with her plastic face while Kofi catches Carlito for two with a top rope cross body. Carlito eats a massive uppercut for trying to throw Kofi, falling flat on his ass for two again. Kofi slips out in the corner for a kick to the head before getting a cross body again but this time Carlito rolls through into a two count. Kofi springboards off the middle rope but his Trouble in Paradise bombs. Carlito puts him down with a neck breaker for two. The Backstabber is blocked and Kofi shoves Carlito off into Trouble in Paradise for three.
Winner: Kofi

I don’t get to say this often these days, but that was definitely an awesome match.

Random Commercial Thought: Why are two of the Summerslam Big Gulp cups featuring superstars that aren’t even at Summerslam this year?

When we come back we have a kid behind the announcer swinging his arm in a “You Can’t See Me” for so long and so fast he seems to be having some kind of retard seizure. We have a “Best of” DX video package. I think that might be a bit subjective in their selection but who am I to argue? We get a pointless text poll over who will win the main event and something even more pointless than that next, The Miz. Oh great, they’ve decided to get rid of his entire wardrobe and replace it with a tiny tight speedo. Oh great. Just what I thought the Miz was lacking, more visibility of his package during matches. He says he’s a new man with a new look and attitude…and new mouth. Had to wash the cock out of the old one I guess. He challenges Kofi for the US title because he’s apparently awesome. Not very. Why doesn’t he do something cool like light himself on fire before claiming that? He might die, but it would surely be awesome.

Random Commercial Thought: Wichita sucks. I thought you all should know that in case you were even considering paying a visit. Stay the fuck away!

We return to Evan Bourne arriving for his match with the much more naked Miz.

Evan Bourne vs. The Miz

Bourne gets beat down in the corner but he comes back with a weird, fucked up looking dropkick for two. Miz rallies back with a devastating clothesline and runs Bourne down with some boots to the jaw and a chicken wing on the ground now. He bows Bourne back in a pretty scary looking position. I never really desired to see Bourne’s ribs that well. Miz works Bourne over in the corner and rocks a clothesline into him. Miz comes out off the top (lol *gay joke* here) and runs right into a dropkick. Bourne suicide divas and back in the ring he delivers a head scissors. Standing moonsault from Bourne picks up a two count. Miz goes for a small package which gets two. A knew to the face sets up for Bourne up top but Miz racks him. Bourne kicks him and Miz pulls Bourne off into an Electric Chair which he switches up into a reverse Russian Leg Sweep that he calls ridiculously “The Skullcrushing Finale” for the win.
Winner: The Miz

The cameras are in the back still waiting for DX, but for now we’ll have to make due with the exciting drama of the random forklift instead. Oooo….aaaaah.

Random Commercial Thought: Last House on the Left is probably the first remake I’ve ever seen that is less graphic than the original.

Back to the show where we pimp out the main event some more as well as DX. More video packages about DX now with this one being about last week and why Trips was looking for Michaels. At least he totally bitch-kicked that little girl. All adults should treat kids like this. Speaking of DX, a limo finally arrives carrying our DX members who are reunited for ONE NIGHT ONLY (bullshit). Trips has to coax Michaels out of the car like a little kid. Slap Fight! I’m not joke, they really had one. Jillian and Alicia freak out over them and sing their theme. Erm…okay then….at least they put a trash can on her. Santino does his cop impression from earlier tonight and asks them where the bomb is so Shawn super kicks him. Oh, well that was pretty cool.

Random Commercial Thought: Have I ever mention my somewhat extreme love of pancakes? Oh indeed I do.

Back to the show where DX is finally making it to the ring now. They proceed to do what is quite possibly the unfunniest slapstick bit I have seen since Gigli…wait that movie was a comedy right? The crowd reaction is still pretty dead tonight, which it has been like all night pretty much. They eventually get a pretty good DX chant going while Trips asks Shawn if it’s good to be back or not. Trips proceeds to waste some time before getting around to his Michael Buffer impression and then getting his ass kicked by Legacy. Trips is sent to the floor and a double team starts on Michaels, beating his ass down in the corner. Trips tries to make the save but is crippled at the knee and annihilated as well. Best. Return. Ever. Rhodes also hits Trips in the face a couple of times with Michaels’ cowboy boot. Dibiase says that yes they are ready apparently. That’s good then. Maybe they’d be ready to get me a sandwich then. I’m staving.

Random Commercial Thought: Why is Wrestlemania 25 going to be on regular TV? What is the point of that?

Back to the “return of DX” or as I like to call it “The Fail-a-thon”. And now, the Diva’s title match! Mickie James bops on out before being joined by her opponent for the night. I guess Freddie had other things to do than host all night tonight, since we’ve had no updates on how he’s doing after getting his ass handed to him. Gail Kim is challenging for the belt here, looking as Asian as ever.

Diva Champion Mickie James vs. Gail Kim (Diva’s Title Match)

Mickie starts off with an arm wrench but Gail rolls through. They both show off some acrobatics before trading dropkicks. Mickie tries a big round kick but it whiffs before sends Gail to the corner. Gail slips out and snakes back into the ring, pulling Mickie down into a pin for two. They both Small package each other trying to roll through it back and forth. It looks like an orgy ball, rolling around on the mat hilariously into a tightly wrapped flesh sandwich…..er, what was I talking about? They continue to trade the very same moves with each other. Gail eventually gain control and delivers a head ram to the mid section in the corner. Missile dropkick picks up a two count for Kim. Mickie rallies back and tries for her DDT. Gail spins out into her own finisher but Mickie rolls through into a half boston crab. Gail makes the ropes though. Gail comes back with a roll up for two and Mickie decks her one hard for the insult. Mickie tries the DDT again but Gail blocks it , and by blocks it, I mean, she seems to botch it bad and fall awkwardly. Mickie tries a mule kick but misses entirely so she delivers a light shove to follow up which somehow gets a three to end the epic failure of these last few moves.
Winner: Mickie

Gail looks like she might be legit hurt here as Mickie celebrates and the crowd is confused. Mickie helps Gail up and raises her hand as we get a replay of Freddie being wrecked. Cole tells us Freddie is back now but hurting before we go to Josh in the back with John Cena. They said it was a very special guest and now I feel cheated. Cena gives a pretty long spiel about Orton and the match later that’s actually a little funny at parts. I would point out how, but we all know you don’t care. And also Chris Jericho was there….and Big Show. They say he might not make it to Summerslam as they might squish him like a grape.

Random Commercial Thought: To no one’s surprise, G.I. Joe sucked.

Random match has already started. Way to really make that transition awkward, guys.

Jack Swagger vs. MVP

Swagger is wrestling MVP down to the mat and slaps him over the back of the head. He taunts MVP for a bit before MVP just knocks him flat on his ass and starts pummeling swagger around the ring and onto the announce desk. Swagger fights his way back into the ring and just starts kicking MVP’s ass. He beats MVP into a corner and kicks the shit out of him so bad that the ref delivers a DQ for such an overwhelming ass-whupping.
Winner: MVP

After the match, MVP tackles Swagger and beats him back before he makes a retreat. Freddie is seen in the back headed to the ring and unhappy before we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I know what you did last Thursday. You should talk to your mother that way.

And here’s Chavo. Must be midget time. Indeed it is. It’s apparently a Falls Count Anywhere match this time. Sure, why the fuck not.

Chavo Guerrero vs. Hornswoggle (Falls Count Anwhere)

Chavo chases Horny under the ring and they both disappear. Oh yay, I sure love seeing nothing at all. Chavo comes back out with a toilet seat and gets taunted from the other side of the ring. Chavo chases Hornswoggle to the back He demands to know of Primo where he went, but the path Primo points him on is proving fruitless so fall. God, I don’t think we should have to deal with this. The segment is starting to get some heavy boos. Chavo opens a door and gets knocked out with a pint can, Home Alone style for the three.
Winner: Hornswoggle

Sure. Why the hell not. Chavo wakes up to find Henry laughing and says it was him. Henry denies it and steps aside to reveal…Mccully Culkin?….I. Hate. This. King and Cole are in the ring now to pimp Summerslam. Card rundown go!

Random Commercial Thought: I could just try to forget that ever happened, but it might take years of therapy.

Back to the show that has more cameos than The Last Action Hero. Floyd Mayweather is our host next week. Didn’t we already get enough of him the last time we had him around? Apparently nobody voted for the tag champs to win this one tonight. I find their lack of faith disturbing. Show and Jericho make their way out and Orton is close behind. I’ve always wondered why it is that no matter what is going on, Cena is always the last person to make it out. Before the match can start. Freddie drags himself back out. He tells Orton that he’s a taking a page out of his book and making it a lumberjack match. He handpicked them as ones who hate Orton. King starts naming some of the lumberjacks but hilariously seems to come up short on a name for Jamie Noble. I don’t blame him.

Random Commercial Thought: Kicking it old school.


Back to the show where the match is underway.

Unified Tag Team Champions Chris Jericho & The Big Show vs. WWE Heavyweight Champion Randy Orton & John Cena (Non-Title Lumberjack match)

Cena is being worked over by Big Show. Apparently Jericho got wrecked by the lumberjacks during the break but Cena palled around with them. Orton demands a tag from Cena but pulls his hand away when Cena tries to crawl to the tag from the stalking Big Show. Show starts punching Cena around and delivers some chops in the corners. Cena trips Show up during a corner charge and forces a tag on Orton, throwing him into the ring. Orton doth protest too much. He turns around and is squished by a spear. On the outside, Orton is picked apart by the lumberjacks. Henry bench presses Orton back into the ring.

Show chokes Orton out in the corner well beyond a necessary count but since this match isn’t scheduled to end that way, he doesn’t get a DQ. Big Show pulls a leg drop on Orton while they are both standing which is pretty crazy. Jericho tags in and delivers some sharp kicks and punches on the ground. Jericho goes to a sleeper hold on Orton and works him down to the ground but Orton suplexes out. Cena demands a tag from Orton. Orton crawls over but Jericho drags him back to hold him for a leg drop from Big Show. Nerve hold, AKA awkward leaning pose of hands on shoulders. Big Show delivers a big suplex and walks on Orton like a big, gay, sweaty carpet. Jericho runs into a power slam and Cena demands another tag but Jericho prevents it again. Orton breaks free of a headlock but runs into an elbow. Orton dodges the lionsault and Cena takes the tag, squashing Jericho with the usual faire. Five Knuckle Shuffle is blocked by a choke from Big Show, but he’s
kicked to the floor and Cena FUs Jericho for the win.
Winners: Orton & Jericho

After the match, Orton delivers an RKO to Cena and Show and Jericho add an extra beat down. The lumberjacks make the save but get thrown out until Cena takes Show and Jericho out himself to taunt Orton from the ring. That’s all she wrote.

Highlight of the Night: Definitely the Kofi/Carlito match. Amazing wrestling, and no dropped spots. Perfect.

Lowlight of the Night: The botch-fest between Mickie and Gail. Horrible.

WWE “Creative” Award: Mccully Culkin? Lulwut?
 

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).