In case you missed
Summerslam, you missed Daniel Bryon returning to
fight for Team WWE in an elaborate work by WWE
against us. Nice to have him back finally, and he
apparently went over very well with the crowd. Not
much else to say beyond that, so let’s dive right
into things. (also Alicia Fox mercifully lost the
anyone else noticed I get the month wrong like half
of the time when doing these things? I should get a
better calendar. Nexus opens the show for us after a
video that oddly has Trips in it, despite I could
have sworn he had been removed. Wade tells us rumors
of their demise have been greatly exaggerated.
That’s too bad. Maybe rumors of them still sucking
at their move sets have been greatly exaggerated? I
could only hope, but I doubt it. He says
consequences will be severe for the Raw roster now
as they cause more destruction, pain and misery to
anyone who gets in their way….their way toward what?
What exactly is the point of this? Cena interrupts
things. Oh. He’s doing purple now instead of that
bright orange. So…he’s the Grimace.
some you tapped out chants going for the Nexus guys.
He makes an Expendables joke (movie was fucking
awesome, Dolph “I Vill Break You” Lundgren fought
Jet Li). Cena says they will each be evaluated
individually tonight instead of as a whole. He mocks
them each individually with Heath Slater pretty much
getting the best one with a photoshop of him as the
mascot of Wendy’s…this gets a Wendy’s chant from the
crowd which is just fucking surreal. He calls that
one guy (Darren Young?) Buckwheat which isn’t clever
since I have been calling him that for weeks, and we
know I’m far from clever. King actually snorts with
laughter at one point, which is just embarrassing.
Cena points out Young should be called the Weakest
Link. The GM gets the usual boos when it interrupts,
and now has more lighting effects behind Cole now.
The GM says Nexus will compete against Team WWE in a
series of matches with outside interference banned.
Wade wants to use it to examine Nexus and see what
needs pruning as a big You Tapped Out chant drowns
him out. The GM interrupts again and Cole replies
his tone like fucking robot. Nexus gets to pick who
they fight except Barrett who has to fight
immediately against Chris Jericho after the
commercial. I wish I would fight my former mentors
in a ring and brutally beat them to make myself feel
Random Commercial Thought: Eli Roth
does handicap horror….nope, I’m good. Well,
apparently he’s not actually directing it.
Back to the show where Jericho arrives.
Chris Jericho vs. Wade Barrett
starts off hard and hammers Wade around the ring
before dropping him with a sharp suplex. We learn
that apparently he Nexus members need to win or be
kicked out of Nexus, since I wasn’t paying close
enough attention to what Wade said earlier. Jericho
dumps Wade to the floor and kicks him in the side of
the head as the crowd rallies for Jericho. Wade
trips Jericho up on the top who tumbles off very
awkwardly and seems to hit his head on the ring.
Ouch. Wade puts a headlock on back in the ring.
Jericho is whipped to the corner. One of these days
I’m going to bother to learn the name of the move
that Wade uses on Jericho’s back by pulling his arms
back, but whatever.
Jericho stops a corner
charge with a kick and nails a missile dropkick off
the ropes for two. They starts a standing brawl and
Jericho shoves him down several times before hitting
his bulldog. Jericho looks crazed and goes for the
Walls, but Wade spins him out and hoists Jericho up
for his finisher. Jericho slips free into the Wall
and locks them on. Wade immediately grabs the ropes
since he’s tall as fuck. Jericho of course assumes
he won as he always does. Is he just deaf for ring
bells? Wade runs him down with a big boot for two.
He tries to slingshot Jericho off the ropes into a
back suplex, but Jericho flips out and hit’s the
exiguities. Barrett catches the code Breaker and
counters into his finisher for the three.
Well. Jericho is going to be coughing
up the dirt from that one for a while.
Random Commercial Thought: Vampires do suck, but
this movie looks like it will too.
bck to a segment with three guys from some movie I
didn’t listen to what it was. The people couldn’t
care any fucking less who the hell they are and this
segment is so embarrassing how bad they go over that
I am embarrassed for them. They have to pimp sports
teams to get any sort of reaction. What is the point
of this? Who are these guys. They eventually
introduce the Hart Dynasty. Natalya’s boobs are so
huge and so fake looking, it’s almost creepy.
We get an e-mail and find out the titles are now
being called the WWE Tag Team titles instead of the
Unified and we get new belts. Bret Hart is
presenting them and they re a bight, brassy orange.
It…could be worse. It’s kind of in between the two
other belt designs. Justin Gabriel declares he’s
going to be fighting Bret on the monitor and will
give Bret a 450 as we….suddenly go to commercial no
fanfare. Okay. Don’t uh…build that up or anything
Random Commercial Thought: I need robot
hands to type.
Apparently Bret isn’t next as
Michael Tarver is out to take on Daniel Bryan.
Daniel Bryan vs. Michael Tarver
Mr. T starts off in a boxing pose and punches Bryan
into the corner. Bryan tries to fight back but gets
punches back deeper into the corner. Tarver keeps
just wailing on him, the ef pulling him off
repeatedly. Tarver charge into a boot and eats a
cross body for two. Tarver acts like a fucking tard
in his reactions to everything. There are just arm
wracks. Cole hates Byan of course, so we have to
listen to this through most of it where he mocks his
physique. Tarver gets raped by kicks in the corner
and dropkicked into the corner. Stop overselling
everyone like a black version of Ric Flair. Bryan
delivers a missile dropkick and kips up. Miz
suddenly arrives with his rookie, Riley. They
distract him long enough for a roll up from Tarver
Cole of course
builds up this as being proper as Miz delivers
Skullcrushing Finale onto the briefcase after they
triple team Bryan. Cole just never makes sense as a
heel since he sounds like an arrogant douche who
makes nonsensical claims unlike most other heel
announcers (unless you’re Matt Stryker).
Random Commercial Thought: Saw and Resident Evil do
not need to b in fucking 3D. Resident Evil shouldn’t
EVER HAVE MADE MORE THAN ONE MOVIE.
the show. Miz is asked to explain his actions and
Miz says Daniel Bryan was better than him, and
heckled him (Well…in reality…..). He’s pissed at
being passed over for Daniel Bryan as a Raw team
member last night. Young then declares to the rest
of Nexus that he’s going to beat Cena as revenge for
being the guy who got fucking raped by Cena in he
ring. Otunga then says he respects his decision
despite getting raped so fucking hard…um, good pep
talk? I never want anyone to give me a pep talk like
that. Justin Gabriel comes out for his match as I
realize I still have to hear this entrance theme
four more times. Dear God.
Thought: WHAT? Another one?
We come back and
I find out there is a guitar solo in the Nexus
theme. Huh. The GM tells us Bret Hart won’t be
fighting him because he doesn’t like Bret and never
has and doesn’t care to see him wrestle on Raw ever
again before making a replacement opponent. Randy
Orton. Huh. Guess he was bored. I can only say that
if Gabriel loses, it’s definitely a case of being
ejected for not being a huge roided out freak.
Randy Orton vs. Justin Gabriel
shoves Orton to start off and gets pounced into the
corner. Gabriel turns it around and delivers a sharp
kick o the knee. Orton stares back, amused and ties
up again. Gabriel flips over Orton and delivers
several kicks to the knee again. Orton slowly stares
again. Okay guys, speed it up. Gabriel takes a kick
to he midsection and flips over Orton again. A kick
is caught this time and Orton just holds his leg and
stares for ever until finally clothes lining Gabriel
and slamming him around several times. Orton drags
him through the ropes for the suspended DDT. Orton
then fights sheamus who tries to come to the ring
and Orton fights him out….and loses by count out.
Um….guys…that’s a DQ for Gabriel. Idiots.
Orton charges the ring and RKOs
Gabriel anyway. Orton retrieves a chair and decides
to put it to work on Sheamus as revenge for the DQ
on Sunday. Good whippin’. He decides to follow it up
with an RKO. Hilariously, King says he likes it, and
Cole says it was terrifying despite them having
opposite positions on the exact same thing Miz did.
Cole keeps saying Orton has never been in this state
of mind before….despite when he was hospitalizing
people and fighting Triple in his own house. Nope.
Never seen this before.
Thought: Remember when we had to believe Lex Luger
was beating people with a rigged arm?
Sheffield and Otunga are in the ring waiting for a
tag team match. Oh Jesus….R-Truth rapped his WHOLE
FUCKING SONG. That song sucks hardcore. I almost
want him to lose now.
John Morrison & R-Truth vs. Skip Sheffield & David
Otunga eats a Russian Leg Sweep
right away and Truth tags in for a double team trip
to leg drop by Truth for two when Sheffield breaks
up the pin. The elbow drop just apparently murdered
R-Truth who takes forever to get up. Sheffield
stares down Truth who kicks him around only to be
overpowered and eat a huge power slam. Sheffield
stomps on Truth. King says Sheffield has muscles in
places that Cole doesn’t even have places. Like
testicals right?: HAHA!…dangly parts. Otunga tags
back in and eats a kick for his trouble. Morrison
tags in and runs Otunga down before hitting
Sheffield on the apron. Morrison delivers a dropkick
to Otunga and Sheffield makes the blind tag. He runs
down Morrison with a clothesline and knocks Truth
off the apron. He decides to finish with a
clothesline from hell on Morrison that is apparently
even better than the normal one because he falls
down while he does it.
Winners: Otunga &
We see some divas on their way to
Random Commercial Thought: who are
those two annoying characters doing the voices over
the Quizno commercial?
Back to the show where
Melina, Eve and Gail make their way to the ring
after we get a recap of Laycool attacking Melina.
Somebody painted a picture of Melina at
ringside…it’s absolute terrible and makes her look
really fat faced.
Diva’s Champion Melina & Gail Kim & Eve Torres
vs. Alicia Fox & Maryse & Jillian Hall
Kim starts off with Maryse and trips her up before
just slamming her face into the mat a bunch of
times. Gail rebounds out of the corner into a cross
body for two. She hangs Maryse in a tree of Woe and
tags in Melina before holding Maryse out for Melina
to senton onto her. Maryse comes back and shoves
Melina into the corner for double teams while she
distracts the ref. Alicia tags in (oh dear god, no)
and does the only move she does well, the northern
lights for two. Alicia works the nec and gets head
butted. The tags are made to Eve and Jillian. Eve
botches a series of dropkicks she misses by a mile.
A scoop slam leads to a flip over senton by Eve for
two. The divas spill into the ring on each other.
Jillian eats a botched elbow in the corner and a
leaping kick by Eve that is…also botched. Jillian
scoops Eve off the top with a one handed power bomb
and a roll up for three.
Winner: Jillian, Alicia
Has she ever won a match before?
Cole actually says the last time she might have won
was when Boogeyman bit the wart off her face.
There’s a reference everyone should have avoided
making as much as possible. Edge is talking about
leading WWE to victory and Heath Slater shows up to
say he is patterned after Edge, and Edge could just
not show and let him win, so it would be cool
between them. Edge tells him he’d rather not lose to
Wendy, the ginger-haired Edge wannabe (not a bad
one). Shouldn’t have called him Ginger. Now Wendy,
wasn’t so bad, Ginger is a STEP TOO FAR!
Random Commercial Thought: I had to receive a notice
that I was burned. I went to the hospital.
Back to the show. Some douche werewolf from True
Blood is here. Heath Slater is in the ring. Tired of
that theme now.
Edge vs. Heath Slater
Slater is ran down easily by clotheslines early on.
Edge taunts before climbing up top, this goes about
as well as expected. Slater trips him off to the
apron and delivers a running dropkick to send him to
the floor. Edge eats the ring barricade next. Back
to the show where the crowd chants “Wendy sucks”
pretty loudly. I actually like Wendy’s. Just saying.
Heath works a rest hold and has to fight edge back
down, stomping his head . Heath delivers a big
flailing spinning reverse lbow that looked
hilariously over the top and weak for getting a two
count. This match is pretty much just boring. Heath
misses a Stinger Splash and Edge puts him down with
the Edge-o-matic for two. Slater is kicked in the
jaw for trying a back drop, slams Edge in return for
two. Edge charges Heath in the corner and misses a
baseball slide to the floor. Edge dodges a
clothesline and boots Heath in the jaw. Instead of
trying to win by time out, Edge goes for a spear on
floor. As soon as I saw this, both me and my
friend predicted a count out win for Slater who
dives into the ring at ten to win.
Slater eats a spear after the match anyway of
course. Jericho looks like a complete tool, being
the only guy so far who has legit just flat out lost
with no shenanigans.
Thought: It’s time to take matters into your own
hands. Kill yourself.
Back to the show.
Ranjin is in the back with Khali and some random
dude talking about his long distance relationship
with a girl. The other two random douches from
earlier talk about how ugly she is, hopefully saying
he doesn’t speak English….um, they’ve indicated
before Khali understands English. Khali then scares
them off. Why did I recap this? He declares his girl
to be butt ugly and then goes to fuck the Bellas.
Um….okay? Was this somehow a promotion for that
movie? I didn’t even catch/care about the title. We
then get Cena walking through the back and decide we
desperately need a commercial or we might die from
overexerting our eyes.
Thought: I have a lovely bunch of Dragonballs.
Darren Young vs. John Cena
Young loses an initial tie up and wins out a second
one but they reset both times. Cena works a headlock
take down on Young. Young fights free and they trade
some irish whip moves. Cena shows off he can
actually do a leap frog for no reason and does
another headlock take down. I feel like I’m watching
an Orton match. Young delivers a back body drop and
a leg drop for two. Young tries another quick pin.
Goes about as well as expected. Young just knees
Cena in the side of the head and goes for another
cover. Is he just going to cover after every simple
move? “Oh, he moved two inches. Might have worn
himself out, better cover!” Cena takes a swinging
neck breaker for another two and works a chinlock.
Young continues to just do simple moves and then try
to cover Cena. He now delivers a northern lights for
two. Young gets all pisses and whines, so he adjusts
his arm band to fix his powers I guess. Young dumps
Cena to the floor in frustration. There’s a guy
dressed like a ref at ringside and he dramatically
counts whenever the ref does. Young slams Cena into
the steps a couple of time and then goes for the
count out victory. Cena always plays completely dead
in these scenarios and then dives into the ring. His
of course happens. Young goes for a leg drop and
bombs it. If it had been Hogan, this match would be
over….for Hogan who would have shattered his hip.
Cena delivers his full general offense, including
protobomb and Five Knuckle Shuffle. Young counters
the FU and tries to roll Cena up who counters into
the STF for the win.
who have been waiting at the ring entrance, surround
the ring after the match. They allow Cena to beat a
retreat though before diving in and descending upon
Young like wolves, as we knew this would happen the
whole time. It was kind of obvious. General Nexus
beat down here. Sheffield clotheslines, and then
Wade does his little Fireman’s toss. Gabriel
finishes things off. This show is over.
Highlight of the Night: Not much of note here. The
matches were all very predictable as Nexus has to
take on Smackdown this week so they couldn’t all
lose. Young’s loss was heavily telegraphed. I would
say that Jericho and Wade had the best match, but
even it was only good from Jericho. Wade was dead
Lowlight of the Night: Main Event was just
plain boring and slow with a super predictable
“Creative” Award: Orton/Gabriel was
pointless. What did that accomplish beside reminding
us Orton and Sheamus hate each other.