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WWE
RAW RANT:
(08/16/10)
By Cameron Burge

In case you missed Summerslam, you missed Daniel Bryon returning to fight for Team WWE in an elaborate work by WWE against us. Nice to have him back finally, and he apparently went over very well with the crowd. Not much else to say beyond that, so let’s dive right into things. (also Alicia Fox mercifully lost the Diva title)

Raw 08.16.10

Has anyone else noticed I get the month wrong like half of the time when doing these things? I should get a better calendar. Nexus opens the show for us after a video that oddly has Trips in it, despite I could have sworn he had been removed. Wade tells us rumors of their demise have been greatly exaggerated. That’s too bad. Maybe rumors of them still sucking at their move sets have been greatly exaggerated? I could only hope, but I doubt it. He says consequences will be severe for the Raw roster now as they cause more destruction, pain and misery to anyone who gets in their way….their way toward what? What exactly is the point of this? Cena interrupts things. Oh. He’s doing purple now instead of that bright orange. So…he’s the Grimace.

Cena gets some you tapped out chants going for the Nexus guys. He makes an Expendables joke (movie was fucking awesome, Dolph “I Vill Break You” Lundgren fought Jet Li). Cena says they will each be evaluated individually tonight instead of as a whole. He mocks them each individually with Heath Slater pretty much getting the best one with a photoshop of him as the mascot of Wendy’s…this gets a Wendy’s chant from the crowd which is just fucking surreal. He calls that one guy (Darren Young?) Buckwheat which isn’t clever since I have been calling him that for weeks, and we know I’m far from clever. King actually snorts with laughter at one point, which is just embarrassing. Cena points out Young should be called the Weakest Link. The GM gets the usual boos when it interrupts, and now has more lighting effects behind Cole now.

The GM says Nexus will compete against Team WWE in a series of matches with outside interference banned. Wade wants to use it to examine Nexus and see what needs pruning as a big You Tapped Out chant drowns him out. The GM interrupts again and Cole replies his tone like fucking robot. Nexus gets to pick who they fight except Barrett who has to fight immediately against Chris Jericho after the commercial. I wish I would fight my former mentors in a ring and brutally beat them to make myself feel better.

Random Commercial Thought: Eli Roth does handicap horror….nope, I’m good. Well, apparently he’s not actually directing it.

Back to the show where Jericho arrives.

Chris Jericho vs. Wade Barrett

Jericho starts off hard and hammers Wade around the ring before dropping him with a sharp suplex. We learn that apparently he Nexus members need to win or be kicked out of Nexus, since I wasn’t paying close enough attention to what Wade said earlier. Jericho dumps Wade to the floor and kicks him in the side of the head as the crowd rallies for Jericho. Wade trips Jericho up on the top who tumbles off very awkwardly and seems to hit his head on the ring. Ouch. Wade puts a headlock on back in the ring. Jericho is whipped to the corner. One of these days I’m going to bother to learn the name of the move that Wade uses on Jericho’s back by pulling his arms back, but whatever.

Jericho stops a corner charge with a kick and nails a missile dropkick off the ropes for two. They starts a standing brawl and Jericho shoves him down several times before hitting his bulldog. Jericho looks crazed and goes for the Walls, but Wade spins him out and hoists Jericho up for his finisher. Jericho slips free into the Wall and locks them on. Wade immediately grabs the ropes since he’s tall as fuck. Jericho of course assumes he won as he always does. Is he just deaf for ring bells? Wade runs him down with a big boot for two. He tries to slingshot Jericho off the ropes into a back suplex, but Jericho flips out and hit’s the exiguities. Barrett catches the code Breaker and counters into his finisher for the three.
Winner: Barrett

Well. Jericho is going to be coughing up the dirt from that one for a while.

Random Commercial Thought: Vampires do suck, but this movie looks like it will too.

We come bck to a segment with three guys from some movie I didn’t listen to what it was. The people couldn’t care any fucking less who the hell they are and this segment is so embarrassing how bad they go over that I am embarrassed for them. They have to pimp sports teams to get any sort of reaction. What is the point of this? Who are these guys. They eventually introduce the Hart Dynasty. Natalya’s boobs are so huge and so fake looking, it’s almost creepy.

We get an e-mail and find out the titles are now being called the WWE Tag Team titles instead of the Unified and we get new belts. Bret Hart is presenting them and they re a bight, brassy orange. It…could be worse. It’s kind of in between the two other belt designs. Justin Gabriel declares he’s going to be fighting Bret on the monitor and will give Bret a 450 as we….suddenly go to commercial no fanfare. Okay. Don’t uh…build that up or anything guys.

Random Commercial Thought: I need robot hands to type.

Apparently Bret isn’t next as Michael Tarver is out to take on Daniel Bryan.

Daniel Bryan vs. Michael Tarver

Mr. T starts off in a boxing pose and punches Bryan into the corner. Bryan tries to fight back but gets punches back deeper into the corner. Tarver keeps just wailing on him, the ef pulling him off repeatedly. Tarver charge into a boot and eats a cross body for two. Tarver acts like a fucking tard in his reactions to everything. There are just arm wracks. Cole hates Byan of course, so we have to listen to this through most of it where he mocks his physique. Tarver gets raped by kicks in the corner and dropkicked into the corner. Stop overselling everyone like a black version of Ric Flair. Bryan delivers a missile dropkick and kips up. Miz suddenly arrives with his rookie, Riley. They distract him long enough for a roll up from Tarver for three.
Winner: Tarver

Cole of course builds up this as being proper as Miz delivers Skullcrushing Finale onto the briefcase after they triple team Bryan. Cole just never makes sense as a heel since he sounds like an arrogant douche who makes nonsensical claims unlike most other heel announcers (unless you’re Matt Stryker).

Random Commercial Thought: Saw and Resident Evil do not need to b in fucking 3D. Resident Evil shouldn’t EVER HAVE MADE MORE THAN ONE MOVIE.

Back to the show. Miz is asked to explain his actions and Miz says Daniel Bryan was better than him, and heckled him (Well…in reality…..). He’s pissed at being passed over for Daniel Bryan as a Raw team member last night. Young then declares to the rest of Nexus that he’s going to beat Cena as revenge for being the guy who got fucking raped by Cena in he ring. Otunga then says he respects his decision despite getting raped so fucking hard…um, good pep talk? I never want anyone to give me a pep talk like that. Justin Gabriel comes out for his match as I realize I still have to hear this entrance theme four more times. Dear God.

Random Commercial Thought: WHAT? Another one?

We come back and I find out there is a guitar solo in the Nexus theme. Huh. The GM tells us Bret Hart won’t be fighting him because he doesn’t like Bret and never has and doesn’t care to see him wrestle on Raw ever again before making a replacement opponent. Randy Orton. Huh. Guess he was bored. I can only say that if Gabriel loses, it’s definitely a case of being ejected for not being a huge roided out freak.

Randy Orton vs. Justin Gabriel

Justin shoves Orton to start off and gets pounced into the corner. Gabriel turns it around and delivers a sharp kick o the knee. Orton stares back, amused and ties up again. Gabriel flips over Orton and delivers several kicks to the knee again. Orton slowly stares again. Okay guys, speed it up. Gabriel takes a kick to he midsection and flips over Orton again. A kick is caught this time and Orton just holds his leg and stares for ever until finally clothes lining Gabriel and slamming him around several times. Orton drags him through the ropes for the suspended DDT. Orton then fights sheamus who tries to come to the ring and Orton fights him out….and loses by count out. Um….guys…that’s a DQ for Gabriel. Idiots.
Winner: Gabriel

Orton charges the ring and RKOs Gabriel anyway. Orton retrieves a chair and decides to put it to work on Sheamus as revenge for the DQ on Sunday. Good whippin’. He decides to follow it up with an RKO. Hilariously, King says he likes it, and Cole says it was terrifying despite them having opposite positions on the exact same thing Miz did. Cole keeps saying Orton has never been in this state of mind before….despite when he was hospitalizing people and fighting Triple in his own house. Nope. Never seen this before.

Random Commercial Thought: Remember when we had to believe Lex Luger was beating people with a rigged arm?

Sheffield and Otunga are in the ring waiting for a tag team match. Oh Jesus….R-Truth rapped his WHOLE FUCKING SONG. That song sucks hardcore. I almost want him to lose now.

John Morrison & R-Truth vs. Skip Sheffield & David Otunga

Otunga eats a Russian Leg Sweep right away and Truth tags in for a double team trip to leg drop by Truth for two when Sheffield breaks up the pin. The elbow drop just apparently murdered R-Truth who takes forever to get up. Sheffield stares down Truth who kicks him around only to be overpowered and eat a huge power slam. Sheffield stomps on Truth. King says Sheffield has muscles in places that Cole doesn’t even have places. Like testicals right?: HAHA!…dangly parts. Otunga tags back in and eats a kick for his trouble. Morrison tags in and runs Otunga down before hitting Sheffield on the apron. Morrison delivers a dropkick to Otunga and Sheffield makes the blind tag. He runs down Morrison with a clothesline and knocks Truth off the apron. He decides to finish with a clothesline from hell on Morrison that is apparently even better than the normal one because he falls down while he does it.
Winners: Otunga & Sheffield

We see some divas on their way to the ring.

Random Commercial Thought: who are those two annoying characters doing the voices over the Quizno commercial?

Back to the show where Melina, Eve and Gail make their way to the ring after we get a recap of Laycool attacking Melina. Somebody painted a picture of Melina at ringside…it’s absolute terrible and makes her look really fat faced.

Diva’s Champion Melina & Gail Kim & Eve Torres vs. Alicia Fox & Maryse & Jillian Hall

Kim starts off with Maryse and trips her up before just slamming her face into the mat a bunch of times. Gail rebounds out of the corner into a cross body for two. She hangs Maryse in a tree of Woe and tags in Melina before holding Maryse out for Melina to senton onto her. Maryse comes back and shoves Melina into the corner for double teams while she distracts the ref. Alicia tags in (oh dear god, no) and does the only move she does well, the northern lights for two. Alicia works the nec and gets head butted. The tags are made to Eve and Jillian. Eve botches a series of dropkicks she misses by a mile. A scoop slam leads to a flip over senton by Eve for two. The divas spill into the ring on each other. Jillian eats a botched elbow in the corner and a leaping kick by Eve that is…also botched. Jillian scoops Eve off the top with a one handed power bomb and a roll up for three.
Winner: Jillian, Alicia & Maryse

Has she ever won a match before? Cole actually says the last time she might have won was when Boogeyman bit the wart off her face. There’s a reference everyone should have avoided making as much as possible. Edge is talking about leading WWE to victory and Heath Slater shows up to say he is patterned after Edge, and Edge could just not show and let him win, so it would be cool between them. Edge tells him he’d rather not lose to Wendy, the ginger-haired Edge wannabe (not a bad one). Shouldn’t have called him Ginger. Now Wendy, wasn’t so bad, Ginger is a STEP TOO FAR!

Random Commercial Thought: I had to receive a notice that I was burned. I went to the hospital.

Back to the show. Some douche werewolf from True Blood is here. Heath Slater is in the ring. Tired of that theme now.

Edge vs. Heath Slater

Slater is ran down easily by clotheslines early on. Edge taunts before climbing up top, this goes about as well as expected. Slater trips him off to the apron and delivers a running dropkick to send him to the floor. Edge eats the ring barricade next. Back to the show where the crowd chants “Wendy sucks” pretty loudly. I actually like Wendy’s. Just saying. Heath works a rest hold and has to fight edge back down, stomping his head . Heath delivers a big flailing spinning reverse lbow that looked hilariously over the top and weak for getting a two count. This match is pretty much just boring. Heath misses a Stinger Splash and Edge puts him down with the Edge-o-matic for two. Slater is kicked in the jaw for trying a back drop, slams Edge in return for two. Edge charges Heath in the corner and misses a baseball slide to the floor. Edge dodges a clothesline and boots Heath in the jaw. Instead of trying to win by time out, Edge goes for a spear on the
floor. As soon as I saw this, both me and my friend predicted a count out win for Slater who dives into the ring at ten to win.
Winner: Slater

Slater eats a spear after the match anyway of course. Jericho looks like a complete tool, being the only guy so far who has legit just flat out lost with no shenanigans.

Random Commercial Thought: It’s time to take matters into your own hands. Kill yourself.

Back to the show. Ranjin is in the back with Khali and some random dude talking about his long distance relationship with a girl. The other two random douches from earlier talk about how ugly she is, hopefully saying he doesn’t speak English….um, they’ve indicated before Khali understands English. Khali then scares them off. Why did I recap this? He declares his girl to be butt ugly and then goes to fuck the Bellas. Um….okay? Was this somehow a promotion for that movie? I didn’t even catch/care about the title. We then get Cena walking through the back and decide we desperately need a commercial or we might die from overexerting our eyes.

Random Commercial Thought: I have a lovely bunch of Dragonballs.

Darren Young vs. John Cena

Darren Young loses an initial tie up and wins out a second one but they reset both times. Cena works a headlock take down on Young. Young fights free and they trade some irish whip moves. Cena shows off he can actually do a leap frog for no reason and does another headlock take down. I feel like I’m watching an Orton match. Young delivers a back body drop and a leg drop for two. Young tries another quick pin. Goes about as well as expected. Young just knees Cena in the side of the head and goes for another cover. Is he just going to cover after every simple move? “Oh, he moved two inches. Might have worn himself out, better cover!” Cena takes a swinging neck breaker for another two and works a chinlock.

Young continues to just do simple moves and then try to cover Cena. He now delivers a northern lights for two. Young gets all pisses and whines, so he adjusts his arm band to fix his powers I guess. Young dumps Cena to the floor in frustration. There’s a guy dressed like a ref at ringside and he dramatically counts whenever the ref does. Young slams Cena into the steps a couple of time and then goes for the count out victory. Cena always plays completely dead in these scenarios and then dives into the ring. His of course happens. Young goes for a leg drop and bombs it. If it had been Hogan, this match would be over….for Hogan who would have shattered his hip. Cena delivers his full general offense, including protobomb and Five Knuckle Shuffle. Young counters the FU and tries to roll Cena up who counters into the STF for the win.
Winner: Cena

Nexus, who have been waiting at the ring entrance, surround the ring after the match. They allow Cena to beat a retreat though before diving in and descending upon Young like wolves, as we knew this would happen the whole time. It was kind of obvious. General Nexus beat down here. Sheffield clotheslines, and then Wade does his little Fireman’s toss. Gabriel finishes things off. This show is over.

Highlight of the Night: Not much of note here. The matches were all very predictable as Nexus has to take on Smackdown this week so they couldn’t all lose. Young’s loss was heavily telegraphed. I would say that Jericho and Wade had the best match, but even it was only good from Jericho. Wade was dead weight.

Lowlight of the Night: Main Event was just plain boring and slow with a super predictable ending.

WWE “Creative” Award: Orton/Gabriel was pointless. What did that accomplish beside reminding us Orton and Sheamus hate each other.
 

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

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SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).