WWE RAW RANT

by Cameron Burge

August 15, 2011

Welcome back to the one rant about a show where even the referees can be suspended for drug use violations. Mike Chioda will probably return in a few months and have an Intercontinental title reign. Oh, also there was a PPV or something last night? Something called Summerslam. I’ve already forgotten what happened on it after Kevin Nash’s appearance made me have a brain aneurism.

Raw 08.15.11

We get a replay of stills from last night with how the show ended with five plot twist clusterfucks in a row in the span of about five minutes. Apparently every jackass in San Diego with a piece of cardboard decided to bring a sign for this show. Triple H opens things after the theme. He says he wants to apologize to Cena and everyone for missing the call last night. He assures us he had absolutely nothing to do with Nash despite his friendship with him. He says he left Nash some Summerslam tickers as per his request. He says he invited Nash o explain himself here tonight because Kevin Nash is still fucking relevant these days. He says Nash has agreed to show and “tell the truth.” Alberto’s name gets a big heel pop. He says he didn’t know anything about him either, but that is just how Money in the Bank works.

He introduces Alberto for us, and it just isn’t as good as Ricardo. You have to admit, he looks like a champion with the suit and the sparkles and the belt. Cole sucks his dick for a bit. I can’t tell if Alberto’s name is on the belt. I don’t think it is. I think it was left blank. He also apparently losing his voice, or turning into John Laurenitis. He says he didn’t plan to cash in, but he couldn’t resist after Destiny presented the opportunity with Kevin Nash. He says he just wants to be our champion and will be signing autographs for us in the lobby and will take picture with all our kids….wait, what? Is that legal? He says he will face Rey tonight and that we all love him because he’s a grand luchador and Mexican icon. Rey is considerably more over here than Alberto is as a face. It takes him a bit, but he eventually gets around to saying he loves beating Rey Mysterio. He’s pretty much made a career of it.

He says that every time he wakes up in the morning, he asks himself what he’s going to do and says he feels like beating Rey Mysterio. We see Triple H heading into John Cena’s locker room as we go to commercial. Cue porn music.

Random Commercial Thought: This first commercial is actually playing fucking porn music.

We return to R-Truth who has a theme now which is just a guitar remix of What’s Up? His best has some air brushing now though so it looks less retarded….except for where it says “Little Jimmy Proof” on the back. Triple H made this a Falls Count Anywhere Match. Morrison cuts a little tiny promo ins window in the corner. It kind of sucks.

John Morrison vs. R-Truth (Falls Count Anywhere)

JR points out that Morrison needs this win since he’s been getting face-rolled in this feud. Truth hip tosses Morrison out hard, but bombs a leg drop. Morrison ducks the running knee follow up into a roll up for two. Morrison tries his own small package for two of his own. He clotheslines Truth to the floor and corkscrew dives to the floor for a two count outside. Morrison runs up the ring barricade into a flash kick on Truth for another two count. Morrison goes for a superplex, but Truth counters into a front suplex for two of his own. You can also see the Raw GM is still hanging around despite not doing shit in like two months. Cole declares Morrison to “getting got” as go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Smackdown is coming to town. They gave away the ending to Christian/Orton a long time ago with these commercials.

Back to the show where Truth is working Morrison over on the outside. He’s got them crazy eyes. He crushes Morrison’s head into the ring barricade, and by crushes I mean he misses by a country mile. He does get some two count covers though. What kind of lame ass shit is it to be powered by K-Mart? They can’t even pay their staff from the looks of the ones around here. Little Jimmy chant as Truth runs Morrison down with some knees to he head again. He racks Morrison over the ring barricade before clotheslining him the rest of the way over. They fight into the conveniently separated crowd before Morrison is chucked into another wall for two. Some of these people are staring at R-Truth like they have never seen a black person before in their life.

The fight goes back to ringside, but Morrison hit’s a leaping enziguiri from Morrison on his way back over the wall, getting two for Morrison. Truth shuts him down with a shot to the stairs. He grabs a rolling chair from reason, but unfortunately we don’t get to see what he was planning as Morrison delivers a clothesline. He suplexes Truth over the back of the incredibly comfy chair (I also like how Truth had to steady it from tipping over sideways), landing him sitting in it for a leaping knee shot that sends Truth flying out of the chair for three.

Winner: Morrison

Beware comfy chairs. CM Punk is shown walking through the back a little pissed off. I would be two if I forgotten to take advantage of Kevin Nash’s one weakness by lightly blowing a puff of win at Kevin Nash’s knee.

Random Commercial Thought: Alexander the Great should dual wield umbrellas.

The Miz is out next as Cole says our prayers were answered by Miz actually having a hastily thrown together card filler match last night. Cole manages the shittiest cheap plug by saying Miz looks like he’s going to b in Fright Night this Friday. Miz says Jerrid from Subway is here and he’s a big fan of his. However. He says he would be a better spokesperson for Subway than Jerrid….why the fuck is this happening? Take his sandwich, it worked for Santino. He then takes the sandwich and does a commercial for it right there. Man, he’s fucking crushing that thing in his hand. He says he will be a champion again because he’s the Miz etc. He then eats the sandwich. At least we now know it wasn’t just wrappers made to look like a sandwich. Nash then shows up in a limo. Needs more sandwich.

Random Commercial Thought: Eatin’ biscuits.

Back to the how for Kelly Kelly. I swore to myself I wasn’t going to recap anymore divas matches until Kelly Kelly loses the title. It’s a tag match with Kelly and Eve against the Bellas. It sucked. When you get shown up by the Bella twins, it is time to call it quits. You could have made an entire episode of Botchamania with that match. King said you can’t keep a good diva down, which isn’t what I’ve heard about Kelly Kelly. After the match, Natalya and Beth come out in dresses looking incredibly hot to sarcastically applaud.

Random Commercial Thought: Did you miss Cee Lo Green’s concert?…and also Summerslam I guess, catch the replay.

Back to the how where Kevin Nash gets introduced with all of the titles he has held, minus TNA before coming out with no music. It’s nice of them to recolor all of his hair so we don’t all get confused Kenny Rogers was hitting the ring. He’s rocking one of those Obi an Kenobi moles. He says he got a text from “Triple H” before the main event saying for the big man to stick the winner for him. He seems visibly annoyed by the What chants. He says he thought it was Triple H sending him the text. Come on, we aren’t retarded. CM Punk comes out and asks if he expects him to believe that bullshit and that he and Trips are obviously on the same page. Apparently Punk is also retarded by not seeing the obvious here. He asks if he would jump off a bridge when Trips asked, since it would probably be good for business. This gets a big CM Punk chant.

Nash tells him to watch his mouth and Punk tells him to watch the show since he does whatever the fuck he wants. He says Triple H is probably a liar, but maybe he is telling the truth and Nash is the liar….Nash just called his cell phone a “telephone” and asks if Punk wants to see the text. Punk reads him a text from his sister: “OMG Kevin Nash WTF thought he was dead LOL.” Pretty much. Nash says Trips has shook things up, but Punk says he’s the one who did. Nash then gives a response so unintelligible that Bobby Lashley just said “What the fuck?” Punk accuses him of being a couple of decades out of the loop before Nash says he changed the business in 96 with Scott Hall and should b thanked. Punk says he at least came in as Punk and left Punk rather than being fucking Oz at some point. Punk then accepts a challenge for a fight. Oh God no. Do not let Nash do anything. Security magically appears out of fucking nowhere and forms a barrier on the ramp. I like how they are all covering their crotches like there are preparing for a free kick.

Punk says he isn’t surprised at all that Trips has deemed Nash untouchable. But if security is here, then Trips must be unprotected, so he will just get it straight from the horse’s mouth. WWE Raw. Now with five hundred percent more talking. We get a video package of when Rey beat Swagger, Punk and Show for the world title as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Freddy Krueger in Moral Kombat is ridiculous.

Back to the show where Nash is looking for Trips and Johnny Ace comes in and puts himself over. Johnny says he has something to talk to him about privately elsewhere and leads Nash away into his van. We then get a replay of Ziggler being cost a win by Vickie. Dolph and Vickie are on the mic at ringside bickering enough to make me reach for that mute button.

Alex Riley vs. Jack Swagger

Typed that out before Swagger. He’s the only heel left standing. Riley starts off strong and just overpowers Swagger into the corners. He stalks Swagger into a corner and gets kicked right into the jaw while the announcers only talk about Dolph and Vickie. Jack works a chicken wing rest hold on Riley. Mute button has been hit. Swagger starts hammering into the back with forearms. He delivers a small suplex for a quick two count before working a standing uh…arm bar? Whatever. Alex fights free and delivers a kind of sloppy spine buster to Swagger. Riley fires up with funning forearms and a reverse Russian leg sweep while Dolph and Vickie are up and fighting. She stole JR’s hat for some reason. Riley is getting a two count form Black Ref while she parades in it. Riley comes out and delivers a running boot to the face on Swagger through the ropes, but Vickie comes up to the ref and puts JR’s hat on his head. This distracts him long enough for Alex to notice that he isn’t getting a pin here. He tries to tell her off, but Swagger comes from behind with the gut wrench that he botches about twice before he manages to lift Riley for it.

Winner: Swagger

Dolph stomps JR’s hat before giving it back to him. And then Staggo Lee shot that nigga dead in the face. Cole actually apologizes to him for it. Recap of Rey beating Miz for the belt.

Random Commercial Thought: Here’s an idea: If the guy who threatens to upset the main character is a “guest star” then their plan is not going to work.

We cut back to Vickie in the back getting thanked by Swagger. He says she shouldn’t have to prove anything to Dolph since she has managed world champions and Dolph wouldn’t be anything without her. He starts picking up on her since Swagger needs some fucking heat fast. He uh…is sweating pretty hard about how hot she looks while he forgets his lines. He says all the classic managers had multiple people they manage an she should think about expanding her roster. Recap of Summerslam Access. I love how Rey showed up to the Anti-bullying campaign in a suit with his mask. I love that Sheamus showed up in his little Irish driving hat.

Cut to CM Punk talking to Stephanie’s tits. She apologizes to him for all that happened last night because people always get what they deserve in the end. WWE. Where every top storyline needs to be about McMahons as much as possible.

Random Commercial Thought: Waif Fu with Columbiana.

Back to the show where Kofi shows up in baby blue shorts and boots to team with Evan Bourne. At least he dropped the Jamaican colors. Now he just needs to get Circle of Life for his theme. Mike and Otunga come out to what I think is yet another new theme. The crowd is deader about them than they would be if you just did a promo of a guy farting for forty five minutes.

WWE Tag Team Champions David Otunga & Mike McStupidName vs. Kofi Kingston & Evan Bourne (Non-Title Match)

Kofi starts off on Mike and delivers some kicks before Bourne tags in with a head scissor. He eats a big dropkick from Mike to turn the tide. She stomps him down into the ground and beats him into the corner. The announcers are randomly now talking about Swagger for some reason in mid segue from another conversation. What the fuck Otunga tags in after a two count on Bourne and proceeds to suck at everything. King calls them out on being bland as old rice. Otunga botches a short arm clothesline that Bourne sells like a truck for two. Otunga keeps Bourne in he corner for some double teaming as Mike tags in.

Mike botches a punch. HE BOTCHED A FUCKING PUNCH. He decides to play it safe and go back to headlocks. Bourne dives to a tag to Kofi who leaps in on Mike. He chucks Otunga off the apron and works over Mike before hitting his flip kick in the corner. Mike is crushed by a flying cross body, but Otunga makes the save at two. Mike dropkicks Kofi to the corner who makes the tag and turns into Trouble in Paradise allowing for Air Bourne.

Winners: Bourne & Kofi

Apparently the announce team is so stuck on making fun of JR, they barely even noticed the match just ended.

Random Commercial Thought: “You are what you TEA?” Really?

Ricardo gets introduced as we return in order to introduce Alberto.

WWE Champion Alberto Del Rio w/ Ricardo Rodriguez vs. Rey Mysterio (WWE Title Match)

Oddly there was no in-ring introductions for this. Rey escapes a waist lock and tries his own, but it just kind of looks silly. Rey delivers a dropkick o a seated Alberto when he trips him up and tries to follow with a roll up for two, getting two close falls in a row. Alberto comes back with a big kick and stomps Rey into the ground. Rey slips through his legs and delivers a head scissor set up for 619, but Alberto ducks out to the floor as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Dear internet, The corporation was really boring and stupid. Please stop hoping for old storylines to come back just because you liked them before you hit puberty.

Rey is getting worked over, but he counters a top rope back body drop into a spinning head scissors. Rey lands a springboard cross body off the middle rope into a two count. He rolls up Alberto for yet another two. Del Rio knocks Rey flat to put a stop to his momentum. The crowd is incredibly hot for Rey here, which is understandable. Somewhere, Cena is shedding a tear about the reaction he got in Boston. Del Rio works a rear naked choke. Hot. Rey escapes with a kick and delivers a baseball slide to Del Tio on the outside before springboarding off into a moonsault to start a standing ten count. It’s two minutes to when the show is supposed to end, but we’ve been running about ten minutes over in recent weeks. Rey puts Alberto back in the ring for a top rope senton and a head scissor into the 619. Alberto cuts the 619 off with a clothesline for two consecutive close calls.

Alberto crushes Rey with a tilt-a-whirl back breaker. Alberto shoulder blocks Rey into the corner a few times. Rey eats a knock out kick while on the top rope from Alberto, but it only picks up two. Alberto goes for his arm bar, but Rey counters it into an Oklahoma roll for two. Alberto chucks Rey off and tries to regroup. Alberto tries again, but Rey counters into a botched hurricanrana the old way he used to do it in WCW. He hit’s the 619 off it and leaps off the top rope into the splash, but Del Rio gets the knees and covers for the three.

Winner: Del Rio

Del Rio beats him up after the match and racks the arm around the ropes before beating it onto the announcer desk. Alberto decides to lock on the arm bar in the middle of the ring afterward. Mike Chioda would have been able to make him stop, but John Cena suddenly comes to he rescue. Cena says he is coming off one hell of a weekend and says he has a bunch of reasons to be pissed off right now. He says he pissed off at a scum bag like Alberto over Triple H, because after two guys left everything in the ring to give integrity to the title, he stole it out from under them then acts like a real champion when all he is now is a target. He says Del Rio’s destiny is John Cena whipping his ass.

Highlight of the Night: Main event was decent.

Lowlight of the Night: Botchamania Diva’s match and Kevin Nash promo.

WWE “Creative” Award: Because McMahons = ratings!

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.