Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

WWE
RAW RANT:
(08/10/09)
By Cameron Burge

Welcome one and all. What do we have for you tonight? Um….how’s an old retired G.I. Joe and WWE Hall of Famer hosting the show sound? ….Come back here. I mean at least we can see him waddle around like he’s auditioning for a part as the Penguin in the next Batman flick. We can only hope and pray that they do not dare to bring up the shitty new movie. We’re also in Canada tonight so we should get lots of mindless cheering for heels since a lot of smarks seem to have forgotten you shouldn’t cheer for someone just because they are bad, they need to stop sucking first.

Raw 08.10.09

Show opens with Orton talking about how he owns us or something. Canada cheers because they were too busy eating maple syrup and bacon strips to pay attention to that (Lots of love, Sean…no homo). He says he will beat Cena at Summerslam, guaranteed so of course Cena has a response to this. Cena performs his best Captain Kirk impersonation while telling Orton how he’s fucked up in the head. He removes his hat….so they can have some kind of crew cut face off? Cena says Orton can’t bully anyone he wants to just because he says he can. It seems to have worked so far if you ask me. I wish I could be a liability to my work place and still get rewarded with high pay and nice shiny gold belts.

All of a sudden, Jericho and Big Show come out t what has to be the worst done remix of two songs together that I have ever heard in my entire life. Big Show it’s amusing watching them both trying to intimidate each other. The crowd chants for Jericho over Big Show trying to talk. Big Show has to wait for them while talking about how his breath is intimidating. Cena makes the joke about his breath that we were all thinking. Jericho talks about being out here because we are in Canada. Cena points out he left which only earns him some more hate. Jericho says he has a match against Cena tonight after special request of Slaughter for one. I assume he agreed to this in between bites on his Big Macs. Big Show reveals he has a match against Orton as well and everyone looks quite annoyed as we all wonder why they didn’t just make it a tag team match and save us the effort.

We cut to the back where Slaughters chin is there. His voice sounds like somebody raped it with a soldering iron. We also hear Trips is searching for Shawn Michaels in Texas as we go to commercial. I just hope this doesn’t turn out like Mario is Missing with Triple H trying to collect King Kong and bring him back to New York City.

Random Commercial Thought: Women are made of metal which is why men can be chick magnets.

Back to the show for a Diva four way match for a title shot. Weaksauce. Why is Gail suddenly from Canada today?

Beth Phoenix vs. Gail Kim vs. Kelly Kelly vs. Alicia Fox

Beth goes after Kelly who gets a quick roll up for two on Beth. Kelly is scooped up for Phoenix Arizona and then all the girls just schoolboy each other until all the crowd is booing them. Gail is squished by a back breaker. Everyone else is rolling around in pain from the vicious schoolboys. Beth puts Kelly ina headlock and holds her for Alicia, but Alicia betrays and kicks Beth instead. Gail delivers a missile dropkick to Fox for a two but Kelly comes in. Kelly is placed on the top turnbuckle but Gail but Beth comes up and hoists both women on her shoulder for a a double submission but Alicia trips her. Alicia gets in her face but gets shoved around but is sent over the rope when she tries to charge back. Gail attacks from behind and hit’s a side ways charge into Beth in the corner. Gail retardedly hit’s a cross body onto Alicia on the floor.

Back in the ring, Kelly Kelly hit’s a handspring elbow only to get caught. Gail tries to trip her off the apron and Kelly suicide cross bodies both divas on the outside. Beth should stay in and just win by count out but instead she goes up top. Alicia casually trips her. Alicia is hist by Kelly and rolled in. Kelly tries to leap in but puts her face into a dropkick. Gail is back in and just uses her finisher of a jaw buster to the heel for the win.
Winner: Gail Kim

After the match we decide to follow up hot women with Sgt. Slaughter. One man in the crowd is so awed that he takes a swig of his beer. The rest of Canada remembers he is a real American Hero and boos the fuck out of him until he does some Mick Foley level of sucking up. He says he respects Canada and leads everyone in a salute to the Canadian flag….uh…please don’t let Sarge sing that. Somebody puts a cross over the flag symbol, and he says he realized if it wasn’t for Uncle Sam, all Canadians would be speaking French and Russian. Don’t they mostly speak French? Oh, he beat me to that. He says it’s embarrassing. Hmm, that’s true. The rest of you dirty Canadian’s should remember that. French sucks. Haha somebody tore a sign for him in half. He demands everyone stand…which they mostly are since you can’t fucking see anyway. He then makes us all salute America’s flag. Oh hey he said the Under God part too. Fuck you Athiesm. Score one
for motherfucking Jesus.

Random Commercial Thought: I won a free sandwich for being good at video games. The rest of you without sandwiches are scrubs.

Back to the show where we get a replay of Trips wanting to get Michaels back for a DX reunion. King says Michaels has a new profession, I imagine it involves porn. Speaking of porn, according to Cole, Swagger is coming out now for a rubber match.

Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne

Match starts with Swagger just kicking Bourne’s ass until he eats a drop toe hold and a drop kick to the side of the head. Bourne dives to the outside with a double knee drop on Swagger. Swagger drops a knee into Bourne’s back when he tries to flip into a sunset flip. Swagger puts a knee into the middle of Bourne’s back and pulls the arms back. Wish I could remember the name of that. Bourne slips free and delivers some kicks to the legs and a running dropkick for two. This is already match of the night material right here. Bourne goes up top but misses, catching himself. Swagger catches Bourne out fo a cross body but is rolled up when he tries a power slam. Swagger gets a knee to the face. In the corner, swagger powers back and comes out with the gut wrench for three.
Winner: Swagger

MVP comes out to talk some shit on Swagger, saying he can beat him for thinking that being an All-American American is cool. Swagger agrees to face him next week and so MVP shoves him to the floor. Bitch be tripping, yo.

Random Commercial Thought: You’re going to pretend you never saw this.

Back to the show where Trips is in a cafeteria trying to find Shawn. He accidentally hits on some gay waiter until we see Shawn as the cook wanting to serve a little girl. He either wants to molest her or kill her, it’s hard to tell. Slaughter comes out again to say he was joking and got Celine Dion to sing the national anthem…but he couldn’t so he got Jillian instead. Help me. She doesn’t even sing the Canadian National Anthem.

Random Commercial Thought: District 9 is next door to District 137 for some reason. They forgot to count.

Back to the show where we have a contract on a pole match for Eugene vs. The Calgary Kid. That’s right, Eugene is back, and his award will be back with it. At least he wears clothes now.

Calgary Kid vs. Eugene (Contract on a Pole Match)

Eugene gets distracted when Calgary kid points behind him. Eugene realizes half-way through he’s been duped and slams the Kid before delivers the Retard’s Elbow. Calgary Kid meet shim half-way up the pole where they both fight until Eugene his head butted off. Calgary Kid grabs the contract and King says he was expecting Eugene to somehow join us.
Winner: Calgary Kid

After the Match, Eugene gets a Reality Check and the Kid is unmasked as The Miz, back to torture us. I guess we only get to give out a Eugene Award for tonight. Oh well, I never liked his hair anyway. Way to go WWE, you tease me with a retard getting a contract and then you actually give it to one.

Random Commercial Thought: I feel like this show has been going on for two hours and we’re only at the half-way point. It’s gonna be a long night, folks.

And now, a Big Show/Orton match. As if things weren’t slow enough already, we’re gonna drop it down to Old Snail mode.

WWE Champion Randy Orton vs. The Big Show (Non-title Match)

Big Show and Orton get face to face and it looks like they are sniffing each other and then Orton pushes his chest which looks like he’s touching him up before Big Show squeezes his face for a big kiss….oh wait it was a head butt, Thank God. Big Show delivers some punches with his “Mallet-like” hands. That would make it incredibly difficult to grasp things. Orton gets choked out in the corner and then stood on. Orton keeps falling on his ass and Big Show just walks over him. What’s sad here is that this is faster than Orton wrestles. Orton catches Big Show on the middle rope with his DDT and picks up two. He starts stomping on him and drops a knee, but Big Show just throws him off from an RKO. Show signals for the choke slam and puts Orton down, but he makes the rope.

Big Show gets pissed and stomps him down, shoving the ref off. Big Show cocks back for his knock out punch. Orton ducks and runs out down the aisle like a big fucking girl. Good job.
Winner: Big Show

After the match, Trips tries to convince Shawn to join him in the POWER OF THE DARKSIDE. Uh…anyway, he gets some tater tots shoved in his face and says he still doesn’t want to leave this…also his grill is on fire. It’s just like one of my family cook outs.

Random Commercial Thought: Damn you Bill Gates.

MVP is out as we come back to get interfered on by Jack Swagger, I mean wrestle Chris Masters.

MVP vs. Chris Masters

Masters just stomps MVP down, working over his leg and keeping him on the ground. Another pretty slow match until MVP comes back with a suplex. MVP delivers some punches (COD) and a knee to the jaw. The Ballin’ Elbow leads into MVP missing the big kick in the corner. MVP counters out of the Masterlock though into the Playmaker.
Winner: MVP

Amazingly, MVP manages to not get interfered on during the match but Swagger is on his way out now. Why doesn’t Jack actually ever do any swaggering? He should pick up Vince McMahon’s new self-help book “Walk This Way”. Swagger distracts MVP long enough to get him put into a Masterlock. Swagger taunts him until Masters lets go so Swagger can deliver his gutwrench power bomb. We then get a video package about Dr. Ken and JP wanting their revenge on Cena I guess. A RECKONING SHALL BE HAD.

Random Commercial Thought: Rumor has it Rob Zombie plans to stop fucking my memories of Halloween after this one.

Back to the show where Trips is flipping burgers too now and gets a hat but not a hair net. He at least has the courtesy to dust off one patty he drops in the floor. Michaels is then talked down by his manager and finally gets super kicked. Shawn says he’s in for Summerslam. An old lady finishes the suck it line for them and Shawn goes to finish business with the little girl. He kicks her in the jaw and promises to come back when he gets out of jail. The grill’s on fire again. King and Cole are laughing, because child abuse is fun for the whole family!

The Sarge says he had some fun tonight poking at people and has a great deal of trouble talking before saying he’s going to introduce Bret the Hitman Hart …..oh come on, you know it isn’t him…it’s Hacksaw Jim Duggan. They should have dragged out the remains of Owen Hart. They rape Eddie’s Corpse every other week so they might as well.

Random Commercial Thought: I think black women aren’t allowed to be on TV until they find the formula to speaking the most annoying that they possibly can.

It’s time for another installment in the HILARITY (/sarcasm) of Chavo/Hornswoggle. Horny now makes his way to the ring, soon joined by his sweaty counterpart, Mark Henry. Why the fuck is this joke still going? Why can’t it JUST DIE IN HELL. This is apparently a tag team match. Chavo has a choice of partner for this it seems. Is the show over yet? Chavo isn’t dressed to wrestle, but he says it isn’t gonna happen because his injuries haven’t healed. He found a replacement team instead. Sure, let’s drag some more people into this stupid storyline. It’s a party in the fail parade and everyone’s invited.

Hornswoggle & Mark Henry vs. Legacy

Henry throws Ted off and shoulder blocks him down. Rhodes gets a tag and looks apprehensive. Ted must have realized Cody is the designated whipping boy every match. Rhodes tries a punch and Henry asks for another before catching it and delivering a military press slam. Rhodes dodges in the corner and makes a tag. Dibiase tags in quickly and they begin to trade in and out fast, double teaming. A double suplex has Henry suplexing them both at once. Henry tosses Rhodes and just takes a dropkick from Dibiase before putting him down with the World’s Strongest Slam. Horny tags in and delivers a tadpole splash to nothing. Pro. Rhodes dropkicks Henry to the floor and Dibiase delivers dream street to Hornswoggle for the win. Been waiting for that.
Winners: Legacy

Dibiase actually made me happy for once. Dibiase says DX doesn’t scare them. I half expect Trips to teleport to the arena and hit them with a sledgehammer. Legacy says this will be the shortest come back in WWE history, but I think that might belong to Grandmaster Sexay. Chris dedicates his match to Calgary and Big Show whines that Orton ran away from him. Chris says the people here are dumb as if they aren’t being filmed still. He talks down the city big time and talks about how they will stupidly cheer for him instead of Cena. Josh points out they are still on the air.

Random Commercial Thought: I heard Obama said the G.I. Joe movie can go fuck itself. True facts.

Back to the show. Freddie Prinze Jr. will be our host next week. Sure, why not. Now it’s time for a card run down of Summerslam. Cena and Jericho come to the ring to equally mixed pops as we go back to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Dye packs do not work that way.

Back to the show.

John Cena vs. Chris Jericho

The crowd chants back and forth while Cena and Jericho trade shots. Jericho leap frogs Cena, but Jericho gets caught in a headlock take down. The crowd swings more for Jericho as he breaks free and trips Cena up, baseball sliding into Cena’s side to send him to the floor. Jericho sends Cena into the steps and the crowd swings back for Cena heavily. Make up your damn minds, assholes. Cena is sent crashing into the corner before eating an elbow drop for two.

Jericho goes Orton mode, it’s headlock time. Cena powers out and they trade punches before Cena comes back with his shoulders and protobomb. Cena and Jericho blow a spot where he’s supposed to get inside cradled, so they do it again. Jericho gets two. Jericho tries a cross body but Cena rolls through and carries Jericho up for the FU. Jericho flips out and puts Cena into the Walls. The ref totally lays his ass IN FRONT of Cena trying to get the ropes which is a total dick moves. Jericho pulls him back but Cena finally rolls out and into the STF. Orton just decides it’s time this overrunning show end and gets in. The bell rings for no reason and Jericho taps anyway.
Winner: Er…who?

Orton distracts him long enough for Jericho to deliver a code breaker and Jericho attacks Orton only to be thrown to the floor so Big Show comes in and choke slams. The Sarge decides he’s had enough and tells the maggots that he’s had a good idea. His last act of the night will be to undo the G.I. Joe movie from ever happening!…oh no wait he makes a tag team match of the champs against Orton and Cena. Cena and Orton then send Big Show to the floor and deliver an FU/RKO to Jericho. That….was actually really fucking cool.

Highlight of the Night: The match between Swagger and Bourne stole the show.

Lowlight of the Night: The Miz is back! Yay for cock-teasing.

WWE Eugene Award: LOLEUGENE.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).