and all. What do we have for you tonight? Um….how’s
an old retired G.I. Joe and WWE Hall of Famer
hosting the show sound? ….Come back here. I mean at
least we can see him waddle around like he’s
auditioning for a part as the Penguin in the next
Batman flick. We can only hope and pray that they do
not dare to bring up the shitty new movie. We’re
also in Canada tonight so we should get lots of
mindless cheering for heels since a lot of smarks
seem to have forgotten you shouldn’t cheer for
someone just because they are bad, they need to stop
Show opens with Orton
talking about how he owns us or something. Canada
cheers because they were too busy eating maple syrup
and bacon strips to pay attention to that (Lots of
love, Sean…no homo). He says he will beat Cena at
Summerslam, guaranteed so of course Cena has a
response to this. Cena performs his best Captain
Kirk impersonation while telling Orton how he’s
fucked up in the head. He removes his hat….so they
can have some kind of crew cut face off? Cena says
Orton can’t bully anyone he wants to just because he
says he can. It seems to have worked so far if you
ask me. I wish I could be a liability to my work
place and still get rewarded with high pay and nice
shiny gold belts.
All of a sudden, Jericho
and Big Show come out t what has to be the worst
done remix of two songs together that I have ever
heard in my entire life. Big Show it’s amusing
watching them both trying to intimidate each other.
The crowd chants for Jericho over Big Show trying to
talk. Big Show has to wait for them while talking
about how his breath is intimidating. Cena makes the
joke about his breath that we were all thinking.
Jericho talks about being out here because we are in
Canada. Cena points out he left which only earns him
some more hate. Jericho says he has a match against
Cena tonight after special request of Slaughter for
one. I assume he agreed to this in between bites on
his Big Macs. Big Show reveals he has a match
against Orton as well and everyone looks quite
annoyed as we all wonder why they didn’t just make
it a tag team match and save us the effort.
We cut to the back where Slaughters chin is there.
His voice sounds like somebody raped it with a
soldering iron. We also hear Trips is searching for
Shawn Michaels in Texas as we go to commercial. I
just hope this doesn’t turn out like Mario is
Missing with Triple H trying to collect King Kong
and bring him back to New York City.
Commercial Thought: Women are made of metal which is
why men can be chick magnets.
Back to the
show for a Diva four way match for a title shot.
Weaksauce. Why is Gail suddenly from Canada today?
Beth Phoenix vs. Gail Kim vs. Kelly
Kelly vs. Alicia Fox
Beth goes after
Kelly who gets a quick roll up for two on Beth.
Kelly is scooped up for Phoenix Arizona and then all
the girls just schoolboy each other until all the
crowd is booing them. Gail is squished by a back
breaker. Everyone else is rolling around in pain
from the vicious schoolboys. Beth puts Kelly ina
headlock and holds her for Alicia, but Alicia
betrays and kicks Beth instead. Gail delivers a
missile dropkick to Fox for a two but Kelly comes
in. Kelly is placed on the top turnbuckle but Gail
but Beth comes up and hoists both women on her
shoulder for a a double submission but Alicia trips
her. Alicia gets in her face but gets shoved around
but is sent over the rope when she tries to charge
back. Gail attacks from behind and hit’s a side ways
charge into Beth in the corner. Gail retardedly
hit’s a cross body onto Alicia on the floor.
Back in the ring, Kelly Kelly hit’s a handspring
elbow only to get caught. Gail tries to trip her off
the apron and Kelly suicide cross bodies both divas
on the outside. Beth should stay in and just win by
count out but instead she goes up top. Alicia
casually trips her. Alicia is hist by Kelly and
rolled in. Kelly tries to leap in but puts her face
into a dropkick. Gail is back in and just uses her
finisher of a jaw buster to the heel for the win.
Winner: Gail Kim
After the match we decide to
follow up hot women with Sgt. Slaughter. One man in
the crowd is so awed that he takes a swig of his
beer. The rest of Canada remembers he is a real
American Hero and boos the fuck out of him until he
does some Mick Foley level of sucking up. He says he
respects Canada and leads everyone in a salute to
the Canadian flag….uh…please don’t let Sarge sing
that. Somebody puts a cross over the flag symbol,
and he says he realized if it wasn’t for Uncle Sam,
all Canadians would be speaking French and Russian.
Don’t they mostly speak French? Oh, he beat me to
that. He says it’s embarrassing. Hmm, that’s true.
The rest of you dirty Canadian’s should remember
that. French sucks. Haha somebody tore a sign for
him in half. He demands everyone stand…which they
mostly are since you can’t fucking see anyway. He
then makes us all salute America’s flag. Oh hey he
said the Under God part too. Fuck you Athiesm. Score
for motherfucking Jesus.
Commercial Thought: I won a free sandwich for being
good at video games. The rest of you without
sandwiches are scrubs.
Back to the show where
we get a replay of Trips wanting to get Michaels
back for a DX reunion. King says Michaels has a new
profession, I imagine it involves porn. Speaking of
porn, according to Cole, Swagger is coming out now
for a rubber match.
Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne
starts with Swagger just kicking Bourne’s ass until
he eats a drop toe hold and a drop kick to the side
of the head. Bourne dives to the outside with a
double knee drop on Swagger. Swagger drops a knee
into Bourne’s back when he tries to flip into a
sunset flip. Swagger puts a knee into the middle of
Bourne’s back and pulls the arms back. Wish I could
remember the name of that. Bourne slips free and
delivers some kicks to the legs and a running
dropkick for two. This is already match of the night
material right here. Bourne goes up top but misses,
catching himself. Swagger catches Bourne out fo a
cross body but is rolled up when he tries a power
slam. Swagger gets a knee to the face. In the
corner, swagger powers back and comes out with the
gut wrench for three.
comes out to talk some shit on Swagger, saying he
can beat him for thinking that being an All-American
American is cool. Swagger agrees to face him next
week and so MVP shoves him to the floor. Bitch be
Random Commercial Thought:
You’re going to pretend you never saw this.
Back to the show where Trips is in a cafeteria
trying to find Shawn. He accidentally hits on some
gay waiter until we see Shawn as the cook wanting to
serve a little girl. He either wants to molest her
or kill her, it’s hard to tell. Slaughter comes out
again to say he was joking and got Celine Dion to
sing the national anthem…but he couldn’t so he got
Jillian instead. Help me. She doesn’t even sing the
Canadian National Anthem.
Thought: District 9 is next door to District 137 for
some reason. They forgot to count.
the show where we have a contract on a pole match
for Eugene vs. The Calgary Kid. That’s right, Eugene
is back, and his award will be back with it. At
least he wears clothes now.
Calgary Kid vs. Eugene (Contract on a Pole Match)
Eugene gets distracted when Calgary kid points
behind him. Eugene realizes half-way through he’s
been duped and slams the Kid before delivers the
Retard’s Elbow. Calgary Kid meet shim half-way up
the pole where they both fight until Eugene his head
butted off. Calgary Kid grabs the contract and King
says he was expecting Eugene to somehow join us.
Winner: Calgary Kid
After the Match, Eugene
gets a Reality Check and the Kid is unmasked as The
Miz, back to torture us. I guess we only get to give
out a Eugene Award for tonight. Oh well, I never
liked his hair anyway. Way to go WWE, you tease me
with a retard getting a contract and then you
actually give it to one.
Thought: I feel like this show has been going on for
two hours and we’re only at the half-way point. It’s
gonna be a long night, folks.
And now, a Big
Show/Orton match. As if things weren’t slow enough
already, we’re gonna drop it down to Old Snail mode.
WWE Champion Randy Orton vs. The Big Show (Non-title
Big Show and Orton get face to
face and it looks like they are sniffing each other
and then Orton pushes his chest which looks like
he’s touching him up before Big Show squeezes his
face for a big kiss….oh wait it was a head butt,
Thank God. Big Show delivers some punches with his
“Mallet-like” hands. That would make it incredibly
difficult to grasp things. Orton gets choked out in
the corner and then stood on. Orton keeps falling on
his ass and Big Show just walks over him. What’s sad
here is that this is faster than Orton wrestles.
Orton catches Big Show on the middle rope with his
DDT and picks up two. He starts stomping on him and
drops a knee, but Big Show just throws him off from
an RKO. Show signals for the choke slam and puts
Orton down, but he makes the rope.
gets pissed and stomps him down, shoving the ref
off. Big Show cocks back for his knock out punch.
Orton ducks and runs out down the aisle like a big
fucking girl. Good job.
Winner: Big Show
After the match, Trips tries to convince Shawn to
join him in the POWER OF THE DARKSIDE. Uh…anyway, he
gets some tater tots shoved in his face and says he
still doesn’t want to leave this…also his grill is
on fire. It’s just like one of my family cook outs.
Random Commercial Thought: Damn you Bill Gates.
MVP is out as we come back to get interfered on by
Jack Swagger, I mean wrestle Chris Masters.
MVP vs. Chris Masters
stomps MVP down, working over his leg and keeping
him on the ground. Another pretty slow match until
MVP comes back with a suplex. MVP delivers some
punches (COD) and a knee to the jaw. The Ballin’
Elbow leads into MVP missing the big kick in the
corner. MVP counters out of the Masterlock though
into the Playmaker.
MVP manages to not get interfered on during the
match but Swagger is on his way out now. Why doesn’t
Jack actually ever do any swaggering? He should pick
up Vince McMahon’s new self-help book “Walk This
Way”. Swagger distracts MVP long enough to get him
put into a Masterlock. Swagger taunts him until
Masters lets go so Swagger can deliver his gutwrench
power bomb. We then get a video package about Dr.
Ken and JP wanting their revenge on Cena I guess. A
RECKONING SHALL BE HAD.
Thought: Rumor has it Rob Zombie plans to stop
fucking my memories of Halloween after this one.
Back to the show where Trips is flipping burgers too
now and gets a hat but not a hair net. He at least
has the courtesy to dust off one patty he drops in
the floor. Michaels is then talked down by his
manager and finally gets super kicked. Shawn says
he’s in for Summerslam. An old lady finishes the
suck it line for them and Shawn goes to finish
business with the little girl. He kicks her in the
jaw and promises to come back when he gets out of
jail. The grill’s on fire again. King and Cole are
laughing, because child abuse is fun for the whole
The Sarge says he had some fun
tonight poking at people and has a great deal of
trouble talking before saying he’s going to
introduce Bret the Hitman Hart …..oh come on, you
know it isn’t him…it’s Hacksaw Jim Duggan. They
should have dragged out the remains of Owen Hart.
They rape Eddie’s Corpse every other week so they
might as well.
Random Commercial Thought: I
think black women aren’t allowed to be on TV until
they find the formula to speaking the most annoying
that they possibly can.
It’s time for another
installment in the HILARITY (/sarcasm) of
Chavo/Hornswoggle. Horny now makes his way to the
ring, soon joined by his sweaty counterpart, Mark
Henry. Why the fuck is this joke still going? Why
can’t it JUST DIE IN HELL. This is apparently a tag
team match. Chavo has a choice of partner for this
it seems. Is the show over yet? Chavo isn’t dressed
to wrestle, but he says it isn’t gonna happen
because his injuries haven’t healed. He found a
replacement team instead. Sure, let’s drag some more
people into this stupid storyline. It’s a party in
the fail parade and everyone’s invited.
Hornswoggle & Mark Henry vs. Legacy
Henry throws Ted off and shoulder blocks him down.
Rhodes gets a tag and looks apprehensive. Ted must
have realized Cody is the designated whipping boy
every match. Rhodes tries a punch and Henry asks for
another before catching it and delivering a military
press slam. Rhodes dodges in the corner and makes a
tag. Dibiase tags in quickly and they begin to trade
in and out fast, double teaming. A double suplex has
Henry suplexing them both at once. Henry tosses
Rhodes and just takes a dropkick from Dibiase before
putting him down with the World’s Strongest Slam.
Horny tags in and delivers a tadpole splash to
nothing. Pro. Rhodes dropkicks Henry to the floor
and Dibiase delivers dream street to Hornswoggle for
the win. Been waiting for that.
Dibiase actually made me happy for once. Dibiase
says DX doesn’t scare them. I half expect Trips to
teleport to the arena and hit them with a
sledgehammer. Legacy says this will be the shortest
come back in WWE history, but I think that might
belong to Grandmaster Sexay. Chris dedicates his
match to Calgary and Big Show whines that Orton ran
away from him. Chris says the people here are dumb
as if they aren’t being filmed still. He talks down
the city big time and talks about how they will
stupidly cheer for him instead of Cena. Josh points
out they are still on the air.
Commercial Thought: I heard Obama said the G.I. Joe
movie can go fuck itself. True facts.
the show. Freddie Prinze Jr. will be our host next
week. Sure, why not. Now it’s time for a card run
down of Summerslam. Cena and Jericho come to the
ring to equally mixed pops as we go back to
Random Commercial Thought: Dye
packs do not work that way.
Back to the show.
John Cena vs. Chris Jericho
chants back and forth while Cena and Jericho trade
shots. Jericho leap frogs Cena, but Jericho gets
caught in a headlock take down. The crowd swings
more for Jericho as he breaks free and trips Cena
up, baseball sliding into Cena’s side to send him to
the floor. Jericho sends Cena into the steps and the
crowd swings back for Cena heavily. Make up your
damn minds, assholes. Cena is sent crashing into the
corner before eating an elbow drop for two.
Jericho goes Orton mode, it’s headlock time. Cena
powers out and they trade punches before Cena comes
back with his shoulders and protobomb. Cena and
Jericho blow a spot where he’s supposed to get
inside cradled, so they do it again. Jericho gets
two. Jericho tries a cross body but Cena rolls
through and carries Jericho up for the FU. Jericho
flips out and puts Cena into the Walls. The ref
totally lays his ass IN FRONT of Cena trying to get
the ropes which is a total dick moves. Jericho pulls
him back but Cena finally rolls out and into the
STF. Orton just decides it’s time this overrunning
show end and gets in. The bell rings for no reason
and Jericho taps anyway.
Orton distracts him long enough for Jericho to
deliver a code breaker and Jericho attacks Orton
only to be thrown to the floor so Big Show comes in
and choke slams. The Sarge decides he’s had enough
and tells the maggots that he’s had a good idea. His
last act of the night will be to undo the G.I. Joe
movie from ever happening!…oh no wait he makes a tag
team match of the champs against Orton and Cena.
Cena and Orton then send Big Show to the floor and
deliver an FU/RKO to Jericho. That….was actually
really fucking cool.
Highlight of the Night: The match between
Swagger and Bourne stole the show.
Lowlight of the Night: The Miz is back! Yay
WWE Eugene Award: