WWE
RAW RANT:
(08/09/10)
By Cameron
Burge
Welcome back to the Raw
Rant. Tonight’s show is the final lead in to
Summerslam. I have to say it’s been built alright,
but it just hasn’t resulted in any stellar matches
yet and I can only hope it will get better by
Sunday.
Raw 08.09.10
Show opens with theme and pyro before Bret Hart arrives in a Batman shirt. WWBD? Bret looks like he’s dropped some of the extra weight he was carrying but is still a little portly. Bret complains that the team is falling apart (YOU’RE TEARIN’ ME APAHT, JERICHO!) and invites Jericho and Edge to the ring to put the team back together again. Cole makes a stupid claim that Jericho was forced off the team by losing the match, despite him quitting the match and being invited back on, making that a stupid fucking comment. Jericho comes out alone and demands Bret dazzle him and Bret tells him to shut up. Bret points out they don’t have any friends, so he better team up with the only people who will give him the time of day.
Jericho says he’s still going to say no because Hart is a phony and hypocrite, he’s just concerned about getting owned by Edge and Jericho, not about beating Nexus. Edge arrives and talks about worshipping Bret as a kid and begging for the shades and then says he’ll rejoin the team. This crowd is dead, man. Edge tries to go for a cheap shot after Jericho storms off, but Bret counters by grabbing his kick and going for a Sharpshooter. Jericho thumbs the eye and they run away. Natalya then runs out and tells him that the dynasty is getting annihilated by Nexus in the back. Wade says they won’t be useful as replacements for the team now as they now look even more buried than ever before. Tag team titles are bullshit.
Random Commercial Thought: Psychic detective should be faster than that.
We come back to the trainers working on the dynasty. Bret grabs a chair to go after Nexus. Cena cuts him off and says not to run into the trap Admiral Ackbar style before going to talk to Khali. We then cut to Miz on his way to the ring.
Evan Bourne vs. US Champion The Miz (Non-title Match)
Evan “I get crushed by everyone” Bourne gets ran down early while the crowd is rallying for Miz pretty hard. Why are Cole and King always fighting very specifically about Miz? Bourne kicks out of a cover at two, so Miz kicks him across the ring. Miz works a submission but Bourne kicks out of it. He goes for a leaping kick, but Miz cuts him off with a spinning elbow and signals his running leap into a clothesline in the corner, which picks up a two count. Bourne knees his way out of a suplex and starts delivering hard kicks to the midsection to send Miz to the corner. A clothesline is countered by a kick and a huge, back-flipping hurricanrana off the turnbuckle gets Bourne a two count. Amazing move. Bourne is run down by clothesline and eats the skull crushing finale for the three.
Winner: Miz
Random Commercial Thought: I want to be in a league of evil.
Back to the show where they apparently think Alicia Fox sitting on peoples’ heads is good enough to show in a replay of Melina returning last week. Melina returns for a match directly following. Gee. I wonder if she will win.
Melina vs. Diva’s Champion Alicia Fox (Non-Title Match)
So we’re just going to go ahead and give this one away then? I guess so. Alicia strikes what I thought was a cocky pose until I realized it’s supposed to be her idea of a fighting stance. Alicia charges Melina into the corner and throws her across the ring for a running kick to the side. Melina slides between her legs under he ropes in a weird little trip and picks up a two count. Melina starts just hammering on her in the corner and then dodges a clothesline with what is just the Ma-Trish. The reverse Russian Leg sweep follows and a hair pull bulldog. Alicia takes a dive to the floor to recover. Melina gets clotheslined for giving chase. Back in the ring, Alicia pick sup a no count and slams Melina by the hair. She grabs the hair again and then Alicia BOTCHES the world’s worst tilt-a-whirl back breaker I’ve ever seen. Alicia works a chinlock and knees the back while keeping it on. Melina fights free and Alicia goes to a Canadian backbreaker.
Melina counters it into the Last Call Sunset Bomb, which looks a lot like that old flipping piledriver from TNA. I don’t remember the name of it, but she botched it and it looks like she killed Alicia in the process. Turn about is fair play I guess?
Winner: Melina
Khali is in the back and apparently Ranjin isn’t here to translate but he manages to say he is on Team WWE. Then he mumbles something unintelligible. He challenges Wade Barrett to a match. Oh God….God no….NOOOOOOO
Random Commercial Thought: I could stand to never see another Shark Attack movie.
Back to the show where during the break, the GM announced a Diva’s title match for Summerslam, and made Barrett and Khali official. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. We’re getting the generic bikini Summer match for the divas tonight too. I refuse to recap that. Just go look up some porn. Edge and Jericho are bitching about Bret telling them what to do, but Jericho says Bret has a point. He then decides that the best idea is to take out Cena and Bet Hart so there won’t be a Summerslam match, which for some reason will magically make them not get owned by Nexus. In the back, Truth and Morrison are looking for two replacements and Mark Henry says he will be auditioning in his next match. Oh great, a useless sack of shit. Nexus is watching in the back and move out like fucking assassins.
Random Commercial Thought: The chick from Covert Affairs never completes a mission without fucking it up. She should be fired.
Back to the show. Maryse and Ted are on their way to the ring. Hasn’t Ted destroyed Henry like three times? Henry is cut off at the ring entranc eby Slater and Gabrial, then the rest of Nexus attack him from behind. So was Ted’s entrance just so we could see how hot Maryse looked in that dress (very)? They beat his ass and then chuck him into the stairs. So I take it he failed his audition?
Random Commercial Thought: Why was there a bunch of audio special effects on the Piranha preview and why can they make a fucking whirlpool?
Back to the show where we replay Orton beating Miz and chasing off Sheamus. Did you know some people spell it as Seamus? I noticed today that WWE likes to call it “capturing” a title. Why? Did they find it in some tall grass and weaken its HP first? We learn that Mark Henry is still being worked on by medical staff despite not taking any worse of a beating than anyone would in any given match. Maybe Nexus is just that badass that they instantly kill you by lightly hitting your back.
Sheamus admits he was scared to get in the ring last week….because he might kill Orton or something? Sheamus invites Orton to the ring, who obliges but gives him a message first. RKO chants build up as Orton says he’s full of bullshit as if no one else’s bullshit detector was going off. Sheamus says he can beat him, but Orton says he isn’t Triple H or John Cena. Sheamus points out further obvious thing sin that he isn’t the WWE Champion either. Cole gets himself an e-mail and quotes for us. The Gm makes it so that if anyone interferes in the Sheamus/Orton match, they will be suspended. If Orton loses, he will get no rematch and is Sheamus really isn’t scared, then he’s encouraged to do something about it right now. Huh. Glad to see that the GM likes to poor fuel on flames. Sheamus acts like he’s backing down then fakes a punch so Orton attacks him from behind and gets a big clothesline from Sheamus. Orton dodges the kick and counters with
his backbreaker. Orton fakes a punt to the head and then just talks some shit and leaves to taunt with the belt.
Random Commercial Thought: So I herd you like mudkipz.
Back to the show where the Rookies are in a six man tag. Oh shit. I have no idea who any of these guys are and didn’t have time to put their names down so I had to look them up. Sheamus is pouting at ringside.
Lucky Cannon & Kaval & Percy Watson vs. Husky Harris & Alex Riley & Mike McGillicutty
Black guy with goggles named Percy Watson beats on some Green shorts guy and picks up a two count. Green boy is Mike Mcgillicutty (That was Lucy’s maiden name in I Love Lucy) and he pick sup a two off of a dropkick. Some black shorts guy tags in, Alex Riley. Riley works over Watson with a submission. Watson looks like Dave Chappell. Watson gets back with a big kick o the back of the head and Kaval tags in with huge kicks. He powers up and gets dumped to the apron where he ties up Riley with a reverse headlock through the ropes for a five count. He leaps off with a flying kick to Riley and pick sup a two when Mike breaks it up. Mike is dumped by some other guy, Cannon I guess? Cannon delivers a cross body. Husky Harris blind tags in against Kaval and clotheslines him from behind. He botches a running senton, and overshoots it, but gets the three.
Winners: Harris, Mike & Riley
Sheamus destroys them at ringside after the match and delivers his cross to Kaval.
Random Commercial Thought: I thought his name was Kabal like the Mortal Kombat character, but he didn’t lock anyone by running by them really fast.
Back to the show for another tag match.
Zack Ryder & William Regal vs. John Morrison & R-Truth
Truth gets wrecked by both Ryder and Regal, which makes you wonder why he was every any kind of champion ever. Ryder gets a headlock in and slams Truth into the turnbuckle when he tries to break free. Truth dodges a running kick in the corner, and Morrison makes the tag. Morrison delivers clotheslines and dropkicks as well as his little double backflip move that needs a name. Does it have one? It’s awesome. It got a two count, Regal breaking the pin. Morrison leaps off the ropes with the flash kick and Starship Pain for the win after Truth eliminates Regal.
Winners: Morrison & Truth
Surprisingly we don’t get another Nexus interference as we go to commercial, just hype for the pointless Diva match.
Random Commercial Thought: Omelet du fromage.
Back to the show for the Triple Threat bikini match featuring Santino and Kozlov. Santino gets the best reaction. Let’s just ignore this. Nothing to see here folks. It’s a divas clusterfuck, but not the good kind you would hope for. The Bellas won with a cross body on Jillian Hall from the top. After the match, Tamina comes on to Santino. She is no Beth Phoenix. In the back, Khali is beaten down by the Nexus. Apparently the very light stomping by Otunga on his back COMPLETELY SHATTERED his knee.
Random Commercial Thought: This city deserves a better breed of commercials, and I’m gonna give it to them.
Back to the show. Wade and Nexus come out to tell us the Wade/Khali match is cancelled. THANK YOU, GOD. He says Nexus is going to write the next chapter in the WWE. They talk a while before we see Bret and Cena approached by Miz. He emands to be asked if he will join the team. They actually do ask him. Miz says it’s amazing how he is being asked for help now. Miz says he’ll let them know Sunday. We don’t really accomplish anything beyond this. I like the dialogue we have for Bret and Cena here. It’s been so awful tonight. It sounds like really bad movie dialogue concerning people who are trying to build a team of awesome cops to take down a drug gang. I would take Axe Cop and Dr. McNinja. Just saying.
Random Commercial Thought: USA Programming is starting to suffer a little from ood new input. Step it up, guys.
Oh hey, all four members of the Cenation are here. Time to get this main event underway, as the show is already over time when it starts.
Edge & Chris Jericho vs. Bret Hart & John Cena
Edge starts in on Cena and kicks him into the corner but Cena comes back with his bulldog out of the corner. Hart punches Edge back into Cena for a headlock take down. Hilariously, Bret is rocking the Batman shirt for this. Edge breaks free and tosses Cena to the floor where Nexus just destroys him for a bit then tosses him back inside. Edge holds Cena for a kick from Jericho who then chucks him back to the floor for more of the same. Jericho taunts and keeps tossing Cena to the floor, but Cena reverses an attempt and Jericho is tossed to the floor where Nexus just stares at him. Jericho hilarious shrugs and seems to smirk before casually climbing back in. Edge looks hilariously confused. Cena spins Jericho out of a Walls attempt and Cena is thrown back to the floor. Cena knocks out Wade who tries to attack. Cena dives back in and causes Jericho to collide with Wade. Jericho is sent to the floor and this time Nexus attacks him and Edge tries to get in.
They take them both down but Bret Hart hs taken Gabriel back to the ring for some beating.
Nexus have a bit of a conference after Gabriel escapes and face off with Cena and Hart. I guess the match is over? Truth and Morrison arrive to back up. Edge and Jericho are running up the ring entrance and decide to take a walk before changing their minds. Edge dives in first and the brawl is on (only without Mario). Wade makes a run for it through the crowd and eventually the rest of Nexus follows. I think it’s funny to watch Buckwheat pull at his hair in frustration.
Highlight of the Night: Miz and Bourne put on a decent match. Pretty much the highlight for me, there wasn’t much else going on.
Lowlight of the Night: Diva Bikini match. Just wow.
WWE “Creative” Award: Whoever thought three non-matches on the same show is a good idea.
Raw 08.09.10
Show opens with theme and pyro before Bret Hart arrives in a Batman shirt. WWBD? Bret looks like he’s dropped some of the extra weight he was carrying but is still a little portly. Bret complains that the team is falling apart (YOU’RE TEARIN’ ME APAHT, JERICHO!) and invites Jericho and Edge to the ring to put the team back together again. Cole makes a stupid claim that Jericho was forced off the team by losing the match, despite him quitting the match and being invited back on, making that a stupid fucking comment. Jericho comes out alone and demands Bret dazzle him and Bret tells him to shut up. Bret points out they don’t have any friends, so he better team up with the only people who will give him the time of day.
Jericho says he’s still going to say no because Hart is a phony and hypocrite, he’s just concerned about getting owned by Edge and Jericho, not about beating Nexus. Edge arrives and talks about worshipping Bret as a kid and begging for the shades and then says he’ll rejoin the team. This crowd is dead, man. Edge tries to go for a cheap shot after Jericho storms off, but Bret counters by grabbing his kick and going for a Sharpshooter. Jericho thumbs the eye and they run away. Natalya then runs out and tells him that the dynasty is getting annihilated by Nexus in the back. Wade says they won’t be useful as replacements for the team now as they now look even more buried than ever before. Tag team titles are bullshit.
Random Commercial Thought: Psychic detective should be faster than that.
We come back to the trainers working on the dynasty. Bret grabs a chair to go after Nexus. Cena cuts him off and says not to run into the trap Admiral Ackbar style before going to talk to Khali. We then cut to Miz on his way to the ring.
Evan Bourne vs. US Champion The Miz (Non-title Match)
Evan “I get crushed by everyone” Bourne gets ran down early while the crowd is rallying for Miz pretty hard. Why are Cole and King always fighting very specifically about Miz? Bourne kicks out of a cover at two, so Miz kicks him across the ring. Miz works a submission but Bourne kicks out of it. He goes for a leaping kick, but Miz cuts him off with a spinning elbow and signals his running leap into a clothesline in the corner, which picks up a two count. Bourne knees his way out of a suplex and starts delivering hard kicks to the midsection to send Miz to the corner. A clothesline is countered by a kick and a huge, back-flipping hurricanrana off the turnbuckle gets Bourne a two count. Amazing move. Bourne is run down by clothesline and eats the skull crushing finale for the three.
Winner: Miz
Random Commercial Thought: I want to be in a league of evil.
Back to the show where they apparently think Alicia Fox sitting on peoples’ heads is good enough to show in a replay of Melina returning last week. Melina returns for a match directly following. Gee. I wonder if she will win.
Melina vs. Diva’s Champion Alicia Fox (Non-Title Match)
So we’re just going to go ahead and give this one away then? I guess so. Alicia strikes what I thought was a cocky pose until I realized it’s supposed to be her idea of a fighting stance. Alicia charges Melina into the corner and throws her across the ring for a running kick to the side. Melina slides between her legs under he ropes in a weird little trip and picks up a two count. Melina starts just hammering on her in the corner and then dodges a clothesline with what is just the Ma-Trish. The reverse Russian Leg sweep follows and a hair pull bulldog. Alicia takes a dive to the floor to recover. Melina gets clotheslined for giving chase. Back in the ring, Alicia pick sup a no count and slams Melina by the hair. She grabs the hair again and then Alicia BOTCHES the world’s worst tilt-a-whirl back breaker I’ve ever seen. Alicia works a chinlock and knees the back while keeping it on. Melina fights free and Alicia goes to a Canadian backbreaker.
Melina counters it into the Last Call Sunset Bomb, which looks a lot like that old flipping piledriver from TNA. I don’t remember the name of it, but she botched it and it looks like she killed Alicia in the process. Turn about is fair play I guess?
Winner: Melina
Khali is in the back and apparently Ranjin isn’t here to translate but he manages to say he is on Team WWE. Then he mumbles something unintelligible. He challenges Wade Barrett to a match. Oh God….God no….NOOOOOOO
Random Commercial Thought: I could stand to never see another Shark Attack movie.
Back to the show where during the break, the GM announced a Diva’s title match for Summerslam, and made Barrett and Khali official. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. We’re getting the generic bikini Summer match for the divas tonight too. I refuse to recap that. Just go look up some porn. Edge and Jericho are bitching about Bret telling them what to do, but Jericho says Bret has a point. He then decides that the best idea is to take out Cena and Bet Hart so there won’t be a Summerslam match, which for some reason will magically make them not get owned by Nexus. In the back, Truth and Morrison are looking for two replacements and Mark Henry says he will be auditioning in his next match. Oh great, a useless sack of shit. Nexus is watching in the back and move out like fucking assassins.
Random Commercial Thought: The chick from Covert Affairs never completes a mission without fucking it up. She should be fired.
Back to the show. Maryse and Ted are on their way to the ring. Hasn’t Ted destroyed Henry like three times? Henry is cut off at the ring entranc eby Slater and Gabrial, then the rest of Nexus attack him from behind. So was Ted’s entrance just so we could see how hot Maryse looked in that dress (very)? They beat his ass and then chuck him into the stairs. So I take it he failed his audition?
Random Commercial Thought: Why was there a bunch of audio special effects on the Piranha preview and why can they make a fucking whirlpool?
Back to the show where we replay Orton beating Miz and chasing off Sheamus. Did you know some people spell it as Seamus? I noticed today that WWE likes to call it “capturing” a title. Why? Did they find it in some tall grass and weaken its HP first? We learn that Mark Henry is still being worked on by medical staff despite not taking any worse of a beating than anyone would in any given match. Maybe Nexus is just that badass that they instantly kill you by lightly hitting your back.
Sheamus admits he was scared to get in the ring last week….because he might kill Orton or something? Sheamus invites Orton to the ring, who obliges but gives him a message first. RKO chants build up as Orton says he’s full of bullshit as if no one else’s bullshit detector was going off. Sheamus says he can beat him, but Orton says he isn’t Triple H or John Cena. Sheamus points out further obvious thing sin that he isn’t the WWE Champion either. Cole gets himself an e-mail and quotes for us. The Gm makes it so that if anyone interferes in the Sheamus/Orton match, they will be suspended. If Orton loses, he will get no rematch and is Sheamus really isn’t scared, then he’s encouraged to do something about it right now. Huh. Glad to see that the GM likes to poor fuel on flames. Sheamus acts like he’s backing down then fakes a punch so Orton attacks him from behind and gets a big clothesline from Sheamus. Orton dodges the kick and counters with
his backbreaker. Orton fakes a punt to the head and then just talks some shit and leaves to taunt with the belt.
Random Commercial Thought: So I herd you like mudkipz.
Back to the show where the Rookies are in a six man tag. Oh shit. I have no idea who any of these guys are and didn’t have time to put their names down so I had to look them up. Sheamus is pouting at ringside.
Lucky Cannon & Kaval & Percy Watson vs. Husky Harris & Alex Riley & Mike McGillicutty
Black guy with goggles named Percy Watson beats on some Green shorts guy and picks up a two count. Green boy is Mike Mcgillicutty (That was Lucy’s maiden name in I Love Lucy) and he pick sup a two off of a dropkick. Some black shorts guy tags in, Alex Riley. Riley works over Watson with a submission. Watson looks like Dave Chappell. Watson gets back with a big kick o the back of the head and Kaval tags in with huge kicks. He powers up and gets dumped to the apron where he ties up Riley with a reverse headlock through the ropes for a five count. He leaps off with a flying kick to Riley and pick sup a two when Mike breaks it up. Mike is dumped by some other guy, Cannon I guess? Cannon delivers a cross body. Husky Harris blind tags in against Kaval and clotheslines him from behind. He botches a running senton, and overshoots it, but gets the three.
Winners: Harris, Mike & Riley
Sheamus destroys them at ringside after the match and delivers his cross to Kaval.
Random Commercial Thought: I thought his name was Kabal like the Mortal Kombat character, but he didn’t lock anyone by running by them really fast.
Back to the show for another tag match.
Zack Ryder & William Regal vs. John Morrison & R-Truth
Truth gets wrecked by both Ryder and Regal, which makes you wonder why he was every any kind of champion ever. Ryder gets a headlock in and slams Truth into the turnbuckle when he tries to break free. Truth dodges a running kick in the corner, and Morrison makes the tag. Morrison delivers clotheslines and dropkicks as well as his little double backflip move that needs a name. Does it have one? It’s awesome. It got a two count, Regal breaking the pin. Morrison leaps off the ropes with the flash kick and Starship Pain for the win after Truth eliminates Regal.
Winners: Morrison & Truth
Surprisingly we don’t get another Nexus interference as we go to commercial, just hype for the pointless Diva match.
Random Commercial Thought: Omelet du fromage.
Back to the show for the Triple Threat bikini match featuring Santino and Kozlov. Santino gets the best reaction. Let’s just ignore this. Nothing to see here folks. It’s a divas clusterfuck, but not the good kind you would hope for. The Bellas won with a cross body on Jillian Hall from the top. After the match, Tamina comes on to Santino. She is no Beth Phoenix. In the back, Khali is beaten down by the Nexus. Apparently the very light stomping by Otunga on his back COMPLETELY SHATTERED his knee.
Random Commercial Thought: This city deserves a better breed of commercials, and I’m gonna give it to them.
Back to the show. Wade and Nexus come out to tell us the Wade/Khali match is cancelled. THANK YOU, GOD. He says Nexus is going to write the next chapter in the WWE. They talk a while before we see Bret and Cena approached by Miz. He emands to be asked if he will join the team. They actually do ask him. Miz says it’s amazing how he is being asked for help now. Miz says he’ll let them know Sunday. We don’t really accomplish anything beyond this. I like the dialogue we have for Bret and Cena here. It’s been so awful tonight. It sounds like really bad movie dialogue concerning people who are trying to build a team of awesome cops to take down a drug gang. I would take Axe Cop and Dr. McNinja. Just saying.
Random Commercial Thought: USA Programming is starting to suffer a little from ood new input. Step it up, guys.
Oh hey, all four members of the Cenation are here. Time to get this main event underway, as the show is already over time when it starts.
Edge & Chris Jericho vs. Bret Hart & John Cena
Edge starts in on Cena and kicks him into the corner but Cena comes back with his bulldog out of the corner. Hart punches Edge back into Cena for a headlock take down. Hilariously, Bret is rocking the Batman shirt for this. Edge breaks free and tosses Cena to the floor where Nexus just destroys him for a bit then tosses him back inside. Edge holds Cena for a kick from Jericho who then chucks him back to the floor for more of the same. Jericho taunts and keeps tossing Cena to the floor, but Cena reverses an attempt and Jericho is tossed to the floor where Nexus just stares at him. Jericho hilarious shrugs and seems to smirk before casually climbing back in. Edge looks hilariously confused. Cena spins Jericho out of a Walls attempt and Cena is thrown back to the floor. Cena knocks out Wade who tries to attack. Cena dives back in and causes Jericho to collide with Wade. Jericho is sent to the floor and this time Nexus attacks him and Edge tries to get in.
They take them both down but Bret Hart hs taken Gabriel back to the ring for some beating.
Nexus have a bit of a conference after Gabriel escapes and face off with Cena and Hart. I guess the match is over? Truth and Morrison arrive to back up. Edge and Jericho are running up the ring entrance and decide to take a walk before changing their minds. Edge dives in first and the brawl is on (only without Mario). Wade makes a run for it through the crowd and eventually the rest of Nexus follows. I think it’s funny to watch Buckwheat pull at his hair in frustration.
Highlight of the Night: Miz and Bourne put on a decent match. Pretty much the highlight for me, there wasn’t much else going on.
Lowlight of the Night: Diva Bikini match. Just wow.
WWE “Creative” Award: Whoever thought three non-matches on the same show is a good idea.
Send Feedback to Cameron Burge
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
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November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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