Welcome back to the Raw
Rant. Tonight’s show is the final lead in to
Summerslam. I have to say it’s been built alright,
but it just hasn’t resulted in any stellar matches
yet and I can only hope it will get better by
opens with theme and pyro before Bret Hart arrives
in a Batman shirt. WWBD? Bret looks like he’s
dropped some of the extra weight he was carrying but
is still a little portly. Bret complains that the
team is falling apart (YOU’RE TEARIN’ ME APAHT,
JERICHO!) and invites Jericho and Edge to the ring
to put the team back together again. Cole makes a
stupid claim that Jericho was forced off the team by
losing the match, despite him quitting the match and
being invited back on, making that a stupid fucking
comment. Jericho comes out alone and demands Bret
dazzle him and Bret tells him to shut up. Bret
points out they don’t have any friends, so he better
team up with the only people who will give him the
time of day.
Jericho says he’s still going to
say no because Hart is a phony and hypocrite, he’s
just concerned about getting owned by Edge and
Jericho, not about beating Nexus. Edge arrives and
talks about worshipping Bret as a kid and begging
for the shades and then says he’ll rejoin the team.
This crowd is dead, man. Edge tries to go for a
cheap shot after Jericho storms off, but Bret
counters by grabbing his kick and going for a
Sharpshooter. Jericho thumbs the eye and they run
away. Natalya then runs out and tells him that the
dynasty is getting annihilated by Nexus in the back.
Wade says they won’t be useful as replacements for
the team now as they now look even more buried than
ever before. Tag team titles are bullshit.
Random Commercial Thought: Psychic detective should
be faster than that.
We come back to the
trainers working on the dynasty. Bret grabs a chair
to go after Nexus. Cena cuts him off and says not to
run into the trap Admiral Ackbar style before going
to talk to Khali. We then cut to Miz on his way to
Evan Bourne vs. US Champion The Miz
Evan “I get crushed
by everyone” Bourne gets ran down early while the
crowd is rallying for Miz pretty hard. Why are Cole
and King always fighting very specifically about
Miz? Bourne kicks out of a cover at two, so Miz
kicks him across the ring. Miz works a submission
but Bourne kicks out of it. He goes for a leaping
kick, but Miz cuts him off with a spinning elbow and
signals his running leap into a clothesline in the
corner, which picks up a two count. Bourne knees his
way out of a suplex and starts delivering hard kicks
to the midsection to send Miz to the corner. A
clothesline is countered by a kick and a huge,
back-flipping hurricanrana off the turnbuckle gets
Bourne a two count. Amazing move. Bourne is run down
by clothesline and eats the skull crushing finale
for the three.
Commercial Thought: I want to be in a league of
Back to the show where they apparently
think Alicia Fox sitting on peoples’ heads is good
enough to show in a replay of Melina returning last
week. Melina returns for a match directly following.
Gee. I wonder if she will win.
Melina vs. Diva’s Champion Alicia Fox (Non-Title
So we’re just going to go ahead
and give this one away then? I guess so. Alicia
strikes what I thought was a cocky pose until I
realized it’s supposed to be her idea of a fighting
stance. Alicia charges Melina into the corner and
throws her across the ring for a running kick to the
side. Melina slides between her legs under he ropes
in a weird little trip and picks up a two count.
Melina starts just hammering on her in the corner
and then dodges a clothesline with what is just the
Ma-Trish. The reverse Russian Leg sweep follows and
a hair pull bulldog. Alicia takes a dive to the
floor to recover. Melina gets clotheslined for
giving chase. Back in the ring, Alicia pick sup a no
count and slams Melina by the hair. She grabs the
hair again and then Alicia BOTCHES the world’s worst
tilt-a-whirl back breaker I’ve ever seen. Alicia
works a chinlock and knees the back while keeping it
on. Melina fights free and Alicia goes to a Canadian
Melina counters it into the Last
Call Sunset Bomb, which looks a lot like that old
flipping piledriver from TNA. I don’t remember the
name of it, but she botched it and it looks like she
killed Alicia in the process. Turn about is fair
play I guess?
Khali is in
the back and apparently Ranjin isn’t here to
translate but he manages to say he is on Team WWE.
Then he mumbles something unintelligible. He
challenges Wade Barrett to a match. Oh God….God
Random Commercial Thought: I
could stand to never see another Shark Attack movie.
Back to the show where during the break, the GM
announced a Diva’s title match for Summerslam, and
made Barrett and Khali official. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
We’re getting the generic bikini Summer match for
the divas tonight too. I refuse to recap that. Just
go look up some porn. Edge and Jericho are bitching
about Bret telling them what to do, but Jericho says
Bret has a point. He then decides that the best idea
is to take out Cena and Bet Hart so there won’t be a
Summerslam match, which for some reason will
magically make them not get owned by Nexus. In the
back, Truth and Morrison are looking for two
replacements and Mark Henry says he will be
auditioning in his next match. Oh great, a useless
sack of shit. Nexus is watching in the back and move
out like fucking assassins.
Commercial Thought: The chick from Covert Affairs
never completes a mission without fucking it up. She
should be fired.
Back to the show. Maryse and
Ted are on their way to the ring. Hasn’t Ted
destroyed Henry like three times? Henry is cut off
at the ring entranc eby Slater and Gabrial, then the
rest of Nexus attack him from behind. So was Ted’s
entrance just so we could see how hot Maryse looked
in that dress (very)? They beat his ass and then
chuck him into the stairs. So I take it he failed
Random Commercial Thought: Why
was there a bunch of audio special effects on the
Piranha preview and why can they make a fucking
Back to the show where we replay
Orton beating Miz and chasing off Sheamus. Did you
know some people spell it as Seamus? I noticed today
that WWE likes to call it “capturing” a title. Why?
Did they find it in some tall grass and weaken its
HP first? We learn that Mark Henry is still being
worked on by medical staff despite not taking any
worse of a beating than anyone would in any given
match. Maybe Nexus is just that badass that they
instantly kill you by lightly hitting your back.
Sheamus admits he was scared to get in the ring last
week….because he might kill Orton or something?
Sheamus invites Orton to the ring, who obliges but
gives him a message first. RKO chants build up as
Orton says he’s full of bullshit as if no one else’s
bullshit detector was going off. Sheamus says he can
beat him, but Orton says he isn’t Triple H or John
Cena. Sheamus points out further obvious thing sin
that he isn’t the WWE Champion either. Cole gets
himself an e-mail and quotes for us. The Gm makes it
so that if anyone interferes in the Sheamus/Orton
match, they will be suspended. If Orton loses, he
will get no rematch and is Sheamus really isn’t
scared, then he’s encouraged to do something about
it right now. Huh. Glad to see that the GM likes to
poor fuel on flames. Sheamus acts like he’s backing
down then fakes a punch so Orton attacks him from
behind and gets a big clothesline from Sheamus.
Orton dodges the kick and counters with
backbreaker. Orton fakes a punt to the head and then
just talks some shit and leaves to taunt with the
Random Commercial Thought: So I herd
you like mudkipz.
Back to the show where the
Rookies are in a six man tag. Oh shit. I have no
idea who any of these guys are and didn’t have time
to put their names down so I had to look them up.
Sheamus is pouting at ringside.
Lucky Cannon & Kaval & Percy Watson vs. Husky Harris
& Alex Riley & Mike McGillicutty
guy with goggles named Percy Watson beats on some
Green shorts guy and picks up a two count. Green boy
is Mike Mcgillicutty (That was Lucy’s maiden name in
I Love Lucy) and he pick sup a two off of a
dropkick. Some black shorts guy tags in, Alex Riley.
Riley works over Watson with a submission. Watson
looks like Dave Chappell. Watson gets back with a
big kick o the back of the head and Kaval tags in
with huge kicks. He powers up and gets dumped to the
apron where he ties up Riley with a reverse headlock
through the ropes for a five count. He leaps off
with a flying kick to Riley and pick sup a two when
Mike breaks it up. Mike is dumped by some other guy,
Cannon I guess? Cannon delivers a cross body. Husky
Harris blind tags in against Kaval and clotheslines
him from behind. He botches a running senton, and
overshoots it, but gets the three.
Harris, Mike & Riley
Sheamus destroys them at
ringside after the match and delivers his cross to
Random Commercial Thought: I thought
his name was Kabal like the Mortal Kombat character,
but he didn’t lock anyone by running by them really
Back to the show for another tag match.
Zack Ryder & William Regal vs. John Morrison &
Truth gets wrecked by both
Ryder and Regal, which makes you wonder why he was
every any kind of champion ever. Ryder gets a
headlock in and slams Truth into the turnbuckle when
he tries to break free. Truth dodges a running kick
in the corner, and Morrison makes the tag. Morrison
delivers clotheslines and dropkicks as well as his
little double backflip move that needs a name. Does
it have one? It’s awesome. It got a two count, Regal
breaking the pin. Morrison leaps off the ropes with
the flash kick and Starship Pain for the win after
Truth eliminates Regal.
Winners: Morrison & Truth
Surprisingly we don’t get another Nexus interference
as we go to commercial, just hype for the pointless
Random Commercial Thought: Omelet
Back to the show for the Triple
Threat bikini match featuring Santino and Kozlov.
Santino gets the best reaction. Let’s just ignore
this. Nothing to see here folks. It’s a divas
clusterfuck, but not the good kind you would hope
for. The Bellas won with a cross body on Jillian
Hall from the top. After the match, Tamina comes on
to Santino. She is no Beth Phoenix. In the back,
Khali is beaten down by the Nexus. Apparently the
very light stomping by Otunga on his back COMPLETELY
SHATTERED his knee.
Thought: This city deserves a better breed of
commercials, and I’m gonna give it to them.
Back to the show. Wade and Nexus come out to tell us
the Wade/Khali match is cancelled. THANK YOU, GOD.
He says Nexus is going to write the next chapter in
the WWE. They talk a while before we see Bret and
Cena approached by Miz. He emands to be asked if he
will join the team. They actually do ask him. Miz
says it’s amazing how he is being asked for help
now. Miz says he’ll let them know Sunday. We don’t
really accomplish anything beyond this. I like the
dialogue we have for Bret and Cena here. It’s been
so awful tonight. It sounds like really bad movie
dialogue concerning people who are trying to build a
team of awesome cops to take down a drug gang. I
would take Axe Cop and Dr. McNinja. Just saying.
Random Commercial Thought: USA Programming is
starting to suffer a little from ood new input. Step
it up, guys.
Oh hey, all four members of the
Cenation are here. Time to get this main event
underway, as the show is already over time when it
Chris Jericho vs. Bret Hart & John Cena
Edge starts in on Cena and kicks him into the corner
but Cena comes back with his bulldog out of the
corner. Hart punches Edge back into Cena for a
headlock take down. Hilariously, Bret is rocking the
Batman shirt for this. Edge breaks free and tosses
Cena to the floor where Nexus just destroys him for
a bit then tosses him back inside. Edge holds Cena
for a kick from Jericho who then chucks him back to
the floor for more of the same. Jericho taunts and
keeps tossing Cena to the floor, but Cena reverses
an attempt and Jericho is tossed to the floor where
Nexus just stares at him. Jericho hilarious shrugs
and seems to smirk before casually climbing back in.
Edge looks hilariously confused. Cena spins Jericho
out of a Walls attempt and Cena is thrown back to
the floor. Cena knocks out Wade who tries to attack.
Cena dives back in and causes Jericho to collide
with Wade. Jericho is sent to the floor and this
time Nexus attacks him and Edge tries to get in.
They take them both down but Bret Hart hs taken
Gabriel back to the ring for some beating.
Nexus have a bit of a conference after Gabriel
escapes and face off with Cena and Hart. I guess the
match is over? Truth and Morrison arrive to back up.
Edge and Jericho are running up the ring entrance
and decide to take a walk before changing their
minds. Edge dives in first and the brawl is on (only
without Mario). Wade makes a run for it through the
crowd and eventually the rest of Nexus follows. I
think it’s funny to watch Buckwheat pull at his hair
Highlight of the Night: Miz
and Bourne put on a decent match. Pretty much the
highlight for me, there wasn’t much else going on.
Lowlight of the Night: Diva Bikini match.
WWE “Creative” Award:
Whoever thought three non-matches on the same show
is a good idea.