WWE RAW RANT

by Cameron Burge

August 8, 2011

Welcome back to WWE Raw, where you can see such entertaining superstars as Chris Master, Melina, Gail Kim and…oh. Never mind.

Raw 08.08.11

Tonight’s Raw is a Main Event…contract signing. Yeah, why have a real main event match when we haven’t had one since the last PPV? That would be dumb. No theme, just Triple H opening the show this week. Who’s the fat doofus in the DX jersey behind the announce team? Anyone else notice that Triple H rests his microphone against his lips when talking like he’s licking it? Also, loving the troll face sign in the crowd. It’s exactly how I feel about opening the show with what is clearly going to be another twenty minute promo segment. Triple H decides that since he is the only guy he can trust, he will be the special ref for the PPV match and he promises it will be called fairly. He promises one champion at the end, which totally couldn’t be taken as foreshadowing. I just noticed that next to the troll face sign is a pink king pedobear. Cena and Punk are due to fight tonight in individual matches with Cena’s being next. Amazingly, that promo only took up about eight minutes. Cena comes out and seems to be bitching at Trips about the special ref thing as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I want to live on that burger mountain.

Back to the show where Spoilers: Cena wins. It’s Jack Swagger. Oh how the mighty have fallen. He not only looks like Biff from Back to the Future, he seems to have suffered the same end fate of subservient loserdom. They replay what Cena and Trips said with boosted audio in which Cena accuses him of having too big of an ego and Cena says he’s making a mistake.

WWE Champion John Cena vs. Jack Swagger (Non-Title Match)

Swagger wrestles down Cena easily and then slaps him in the back of the head. Cena drops him from behind when he taunts and proceeds to flatten Swagger with a suplex for two. Cena works a Cena headlock as the dueling chants begin. The anti-Cena chants are much larger than usual here. Cena hits a corner splash and dropkick for another two. Swagger manages to take control again and lands his slingshot splash for a two count. They teach that maneuver in the All-American wrestling circles. Swagger works a chicken wing rest hold for a bit. All I can think about while I watch this is that I’m getting my wisdom teeth out tomorrow and nothing on here is going to hurt nearly as much.

Cena powers out with his gut wrench suplex or whatever they call it. Swagger keeps control though with some shoulder blocks and taunting for a two count. King, Cole and JR are getting along quite well right now, and it’s actually pretty good. Swagger chucks Cena to a corner hard. Swagger trips the knee out from the side, but they whiff it HARD. Cena sells anyway and Swagger goes for the ankle lock. Cena counters to the STF, but Swagger escapes only to stand up into the general offense. Five Knuckle Shuffle lands and Cena follows up with the FU for the finish.

Winner: Cena

They are having a poll between Punk and Cena over which you think will win. Couldn’t possibly predict how that will come out. Maybe this is that recount from last week that Al Gore wanted. Miz and Rey are going at it next. In case you haven’t heard, Rey is scheduled to get his title rematch on the Raw following Summerslam.

Random Commercial Thought: Because Indiana Jones’ snatching his hat sequence is just as awesome when used with a lame elevator door.

A replay runs of the very epic 1991 encounter between Hart and Hennig who is totally not the father of McStupidName…poor guy. Del Rio is interviewed in the back and talks about how Punk ran from him like a coward at Money in the Bank, but tonight he is going to show Punk what would have happened. They replay the R-Truth heel turn from last week. Truth then reassures us he is a good R-Truth. He really is still wearing that fucking Bossman Lite vest? He asks us about why there aren’t more hotdog buns in a pack and why God created spiders. Good question. Terrifying. The speech he gives is insane as shit. His momma apparently cooked spider stew and only Little Jimmy would eat it. Tonight he’s going to squish Morrison like a spider….wut?

Random Commercial Thought: Superman cannot beat Goku.

Rey Mysterio comes out for his match…and The Miz jumps him from behind then proceeds to beats Miz into the Raw logo over and over until the refs try to pull him away. Miz then leisurely strolls into the ring and Cole rushes in to give him a blowjob as quickly as possible and ask him why he just did that. Miz is pissed because no one has given him a Summerslam match. He wants attention because he is awesome and has been on everything recently. He then demands a ref to declare him the winner of the match by forfeit. A ref comes out and tries to tell him no, but Miz tells him to go tell the announcer what is what. The ref instead declares that Triple H has given Miz a new match. It’s Kofi Kingston.

Kofi Kingston vs. The Miz

Miz forces Kofi into the corner right away and then goes for a cheap shot, but Kofi dodges and lands some kicks into a headlock. Miz was so happy to be on the teen choice awards. Kofi hit’s a dropkick on Miz after a fake out and picks up two into a headlock. Kofi continues to work Miz over and clotheslines him to the floor for a suicide dive as we go to comercial. Kofi is slamming his chest like fucking Donkey Kong in the ring.

Random Commercial Thought: Apollo 18 is gonna suck nuts.

Miz is working a headlock and apparently he made Kofi hang himself up on the apron and eat a clothesline during the break. Anyone else notice I say wrestlers eat a lot of moves? All part of a balanced breakfast. Kofi tries to roll through for a pin, but Miz rolls out into a big kick. Kofi ducks it for a school boy that gets two. Miz doesn’t take too kindly to that and hits his hanging clothesline. Miz is up top, and he actually this his flying double axe handle for once for another two. Kofi tries another school boy for more two before going into his chest slaps and dropkick. Kofi tries the flying clothesline, but Miz counters into the back breaker/neck breaker, but Kofi escapes. Kofi springboards out of the corner into a cross body for two.

Miz regains control with the kneeling DDT for a two count. Miz runs right into the flip kick in the corner while King is playing the part of Michael Cole tonight for Kofi Kingston. Miz tries to rebound with a superplex, but Kofi blocks it and flips over into a sunset flip power bomb for two. Kofi signals the Trouble in Paradise. Yeah…..Miz ducks and goes for a Skullcrushing Finale, but it’s escaped. Kofi gets lifted up onto Miz’s shoulders, dumped onto the ropes and bounces back into the Skullcrushing Finale for three.

Winner: Miz

Punk gets interviewed about Triple H as special ref in the back. Punk asks if anyone is shocked at all. Nope. Not a soul.

Random Commercial Thought: Always rob a bank while a bomb is strapped to you. You can trust me.

Back to the show for Alberto Del Rio. What…did Ricardo say something about losers, pants and sharks? I didn’t catch all of that, but it sounded awesome.

WWE Champion CM Punk vs. Alberto Del Rio (Non-Title Match)

Alberto escapes a tie up and taunts Punk. He starts kicking the shit out of Punk’s knees until he’s beat down to the ground the crowd builds huge for Punk. Punk escapes a wrist lock with an arm drag and spin kicks Del Rio into a corner. Punk misses a corner charge and hits his shoulder into the ring post. Alberto stretches the arm around the post and continues to work it back in the ring with an arm breaker. He works a standard arm bar rest hold before Punk kicks free. Punk tries a sunset flip, but Alberto counters by attacking the arm again for two. Del Rio tries to dropkick Punk at the ropes, but he just steps aside, sending Del Rio flying right into the floor a la Samoa Joe.

Punk comes back with a neck breaker on Rio back in the ring and some clutching knees to the head. The Pepsi One lands in the corner with the bulldog follow up. Punk springboards from the apron into a flying clothesline and signals the GTS. Rio wriggles free and throws him shoulder first back into the ring post. Del Rio uses Carlito’s Apple Jack and picks up a two count. He gets pissed over this and knocks Punk flat with a kick before going for the arm bar. Punk escapes and delivers a kick straight to the back of the head into the GTS.

Winner: Punk

It was a good TV match. We still haven’t seen anything from the divas yet. It’s all downhill from here.

Random Commercial Thought: Yeah, it’s roulette, but is it RAW roulette?

Back to the show where my terrifying prediction comes true. But wait, there is light at the end of this rainbow: It will involve Beth Phoenix. We see a replay of what happened last week. Welcome back, Beth. We missed you.

Beth Phoenix vs. Eve Torres

I think Eve has a new theme, but I haven’t really heard it in a while. Beth forces Eve out of a wrist lock and misses a clothesline. Eve rolls over a back body drop and delivers what I shall continue to belovedly refer to as the worst dropkick in the business. Beth elbows her to the floor and tosses Eve right into the ring barricade. Phoenix drags her by the hair back into the ring for a to count. Beth delivers a slam by the hair multiple times. Beth drops a hard clothesline for two. Eve flips out of a tilt-a-whirl side slam and delivers some kicks to the head. She tries to whip Beth, but it’s reversed by sheer strength and Beth charges into an elbow in the corner. Eve delivers Cody Rhodes’ Beautiful Disaster finisher and climbs up top. Beth drags her off the top into the Glam Slam for the three.

Winner: Beth

Beth gets a big pop as she goes on to say Eve and Kelly are making a mockery of the Diva’s division. She says no more splits, booty pops or stink faces. JR says that takes out 90% of the fun. Yeah…way to look retarded. Kelly attacks Beth from behind and then rushes to Eve’s aid as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Misogynism is alive and well.

Back to the show for a clip from the Teen Choice Awards that I’m sure you want recapped in excruciating detail. Let’s do a match instead.

US Champion Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie Guerrero vs. Alex Riley

Riley has to talk shit on Vickie before the match starts because she is up in his face. Dolph starts calling him a dead man like he’s Bugs Bunny vs. the Nerd. Dolph charges, but Alex is out of the way already and catching him with a clothesline. Vickie is on the apron distracting Alex for a shot from Dolph and he gets stomped down into the corner. Alex comes back with a reverse elbow and she distracts again, allowing Dolph to counter into the sleeper. She pulls the ropes away from Riley, but he manages to break by pushing back into the corner. Riley fires up with a spine buster and Vickie is in the ring again. She delivers a big bitch slap.

Winner: Alex Riley

Dolph gets pissed in front of her and bitches her out for costing him the match. Alex attacks and sends Dolph into Vickie, dropping them both. Well, I suppose putting him against Vickie is one way to get him over. Vickie walks out on Dolph, just like your last three girlfriends and all of your friends and family as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: How many times can you make a shitty comedy movie with a curly haired, uninteresting protagonist that people will pay money to see?

Back to the show for a video package about the Money in the Bank main event, and the subsequent events that followed. It should have been narrated by Morgan Freeman. “ I wish I could say Cena fought the good fight, and Vince McMahon let him be. I wish I could say that, but the WWE isn’t no TNA and this isn’t no Vince Russo storyline.“ I like the photoshopped ref shirt onto Triple H’s body in the promotional picture as they run down the rest of the card. We are promised a Christian interview (the wrestler, not the religion) later as R-Truth makes his way out for his match.

Random Commercial Thought: These commercials severely lacked in joke material. I am disappoint.

Back to the show where Morrison makes his way out.

John Morrison vs. R-Truth

They just Brawl until Morrison starts landing clotheslines and botches his back flip sambo or whatever it is. Truth runs to the floor when Morrison backflips off the turnbuckles, but lands on his feet. Morrison corkscrews over the corner onto Truth. Truth tries to take another water breather, but Morrison chases him and sends Truth into the ring barricade. Truth tries to backflip him over it, but John makes his feet. Truth jumps onto the top of the ring barricade and Truth trips him, sending Morrison to hit his head right onto the wall on his way down. Truth makes it back to the ring as the count out continues, but Morrison just barely makes it back. Truth stomps the ever-loving shit out of him. Truth picks up two and tells Little Jimmy to take that. Yeah, Jimmy, right in the butt!

Truth works some headlocks and delivers a sit down front suplex. Truth tries to get his new finisher, but Morrison holds the ropes to block. Truth takes some kicks I nthe corner, but fights back and delivers the flatliner anyway for the three.

Winner: R-Truth

Well, Spider Man has been defeated. Just like on Broadway. Heyooo!

Random Commercial Thought: Bad touch, Miz at the 7-11.

We see the results of the “Who will win?” poll and of course it is John Cena. We then get an interview with Christian. He says he has an announcement for Smackdown and he demands Triple H show up to hear what he has to say personally. Triple H is hanging out in the ring with Johnny Ace. He decides to not even bother responding to that, I guess.

Man, those CM Punk shirts are fucking everywhere in this crowd. Zack Ryder is pouting somewhere in the back that his TV appearance streak just came to an end. Punk kicks his feet up on the table and wants to know why they are wasting our time on a contract signing. He asks when the last time was we had a contract signing that didn’t end in a fight. He says we could just flip the table over and start beating each other up right now to skip that. He has a clip from a big time movie star to explain how he feels about John Cena. It’s The Rock when he responded to the Disney World joke by Cena. He accuses Cena of looking like a bloated, transvestite Wonder Woman. She’s starting to look like that on her own these days.

Punk thanks the Rock (Dwayne) for that video and then reminds Rock that they are both just as big of phoneys. This actually gets Punk some heat. Cena gets booed hard when he responds….The Rock is going to be in a G.I. Joe sequel? Fucking shoot me now. He responds to Rock’s comments before moving on to Punk’s concerns that he’s just a product of the system and “too PG” and he’s the modern day Hulk Hogan. This gets a pretty big reaction. Cena admits he will never win over the millions who follow Punk and says even if he increased his workrate, increased the five moves of doom, or let his heel persona shine through he will never win them over. That’s pretty much true. He could be Dean Malenko and he still wouldn’t get cheers anymore. He goes on to say he respects and represents the fans before accusing Punk of throwing stones in a glass house.

Still waiting on those ice cream bars by the way. Triple H chimes in and accuses Punk of being gutless by negotiating only on the phone. He asks if Triple H personally fired Vladimir and David Hart Smith as well as Masters (even mentioning how much better he got), or just had Johnny Ace do all the dirty work. The crowd rallies behind Punk before things turn back to Cena. Punk accuses Cena of almost giving up on him a long time ago, before saying Cena is the one who gave up on himself a long time ago. He also says he still ants that ice cream bar. He points out it was seven years ago in L.A. that he won his first WWE title, but this time he will walk out with nothing. Stop calling him “John Boy” it makes this sound like a Waltons episode. Punk finally signs to big chants.

Cena says it was a fine speech and asks Punk if he realizes how much pressure is on him. He says Punk actually needs this match more than anything else, while Cena will be going to Wrestlemania no matter what to face The Rock. If he loses, it will make Punk into a loud-mouthed one-hit wonder. Punk says he would rather be a one hit wonder than a phoney. Cena signs and wishes him luck. We are more than ten minutes over time. Cena says the talking thing is wearing a bit thin before taking apart the desk. Punk says talking is what he does, but kicking teeth down throats also works. Cena tosses the table and they have a stare down but Johnny Aces gets between them. Punk proceeds to knock him the fuck out. Trips gets in between them and Cena clocks him from behind. Trips shoves him back, but Cena says he was after Punk and they all have a stare down from the ramp. Punk asks if he’s getting a fixed end from the ramp as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Cena/Punk segment was great and pretty much all that was worth watching.

Lowlight of the Night: The fasting before my surgery begins. Hot diggity….fuck.

WWE “Creative” Award: What’s going on with Truth/Morrison? It’s completely fizzled.

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.