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By Cameron Burge

Welcome back to the Raw Rant where we’ve had more guest hosts than What’s My Line? At this point. Let’s get right into it.

Raw 08.03.09

The show opens with Jeremy Pivan coming out in a limousine. He crawls out of the top and brings with him an Asian in the trunk, Dr. Ken….he’s dressed as a pimp. About half way through their over the top introductions of each other causes me to die a little inside. Jeremy has to run back down the entrance and have the pyro go off behind him. Unfortunately it doesn’t light him on fire like I was hoping. JP gets interrupted by The Miz who according to my friend Rachael here appears to be the biggest tool she’s ever seen. I have to agree. Dr. Ken is on some fucking drugs I think because he’s just rolling on the ground. This is….this sucks. Dr. Ken gets all angry and puts a pacifier in his mouth. What the fuck is going on. Miz wants a rematch with John Cena. Because we’ve already seen this match very eek for over a month now, so this should keep going. Cena thanks Ken for helping him clear up a rash.

Cena points out he could get Miz into his schedule, but he’s not very good and tonight needs to be special. Cena pimps out JP’s new movie (it sucks). They continues to make fun of Miz and agree to have Miz compete with Cena in a lumberjack match. It’s ballsy. The stipulation is that if Miz loses he can’t come back to his home town in the Staples Center or Summerslam ever again. They then add that if he loses he can never come back to Raw either. YAY!

Random Commercial Thought: Get Away from that movie if you value your careers.

Evan Bourne is out as we come back to get some revenge on Jack swagger.

Evan Bourne vs. Jack Swagger

Swagger gets completely out wrestled, Evan dodging everything and hitting some head scissors. Evan goes up top and manages to get caught. He trips Swagger up though and tries for a moonsault on the ground which is blocked by the knees. Bourne gets power slammed into the corner and then the ground. No comeback for Bourne here as he’s crushed by a Gutwrench Powerbomb for the win.
Winner: Swagger

After the match, it’s back to commercials for us and apparently everybody and his dog needs to talk to me right this second.

Random Commercial Thought: G.I. Joe. I’m still not sick of being pissed off about this movie. Fuck this. Fuck everybody who is even IN that movie.

Back to the show for a Shaq Recap. What the fuck? Okay so why am I watching this? Dr. Ken and JP are hanging with the Raw Bitches in the back and talking about being badass. Ken says he could take Big Show and of course he’s right behind him. Big Show says he’s frustrated and wants him back tonight so he can destroy him. Dr. Ken is probably the most offensive person ever. I’m pretty sure Asians have been set back by centuries now. JP tells big Show to go beat Kofi for the US title tonight. We see Gail Kim and Mickie James getting ready for tag team action…hey get back here!

Random Commercial Thought: Halloween 2.…coming out in August.

Beth starts us off with Gail and annihilates her so the Asian runs like a pussy and tags in Mickie James. Mickie works Beth over, kicking out her legs and hitting a sunset flip. Beth regains the advantage and tags in Jillian. Jillian fucks up majorly as per usual and Gail Kim makes the tag. Gail hit’s a weird body slingshot into Jillian. Jillian slaps Gail off and makes a tag while she’s not looking to Beth. Beth comes up behind Gail while she tries for her finisher. Beth hoists her up for Phoenix Arizona and gets the three.
Winners: Beth and Jillian

In the back, Trips is getting ready for his handicap match.

Random Commercial Thought: So we’re having a radio stationed Mudvayne and Korn concert called Summerslam coming up. Ha.

Back to he show for Priceless/Legacy or whatever you want to call them. The Ambiguously Gay Duo? By the way, I was WAY too budy talking about donuts to pay attention to Triple H’s entrance.

Triple H vs. Legacy

Triple H annihilates Rhodes right away, but after dropping a knee, Rhodes gets up and scrambles to a tag. Dibiase comes in and for their trouble, Trips clotheslines them both to the floor and taunts his Thor-like physique.

Random Commercial Thought: We got team spirit!

We come back to headlocks! Oh trhills! Trips breaks free and Rhodes tags out, but we are back to even more headlock. They continue to trade headlocks. Oooo. Dibiase crushes Trips with a power slam but only gets a two count and gets angry. Rhodes is in now and he goes to…another chin lock, good Christ. Cody works Trips to the ground and goe sup top for a corkscrew body splash that would have been cool if he didn’t hit his face into the mat and totally miss. Too bad. Trips comes back now and sends Dibiase to the floor off the apron. He spine busters Rhodes, and goes for the Pedigree, but Dibaise is back in with Dream Street. Rhodes crawls to the tag but only gets two. As Trips Stands, he eats Crossroads and it’s over.
Winner: Legacy

Wait…what? You mean…Triple H…lost? Obviously the ref fucked up here or Stephanie was sick on the writing for this script. Trips gets a microphone and says Ow a bunch saying that it hurt. Trips asks if it is if they are just that good because they keep beating him. He says they might be too much for him. Too much gay? Probably. Trips says he should bring back Evolution but Orton is a jerk, Batista is injured and Flair is signing autographs at the VFW. Instead, he’ll just make one phone call. I wonder if it’s Shawn Michaels /sarcasm. He tells them he has two words for him as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I hate everyone.

Back to the show. Chavo says something to our hosts but I can’t bring myself to care since he loses to midgets.

Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Primo Colon

Carlito catches a kick early on but Primo comes back aggressively, pushing him about the ring. Carlito tries to send him to the outside but Carlito flips back in and hit’s a flying clothesline for two. Carlito takes a walk and Primo suicide dives, dragging him back. Carlito balances Primo on the top rope when back in and delivers  swinging neck breaker for two. Pretty cool stunt. Primo comes back with his standard offense of moves and monkey flips Carlito out of the corner. He misses a corner charge and racks his shoulder on the ring post. Carlito tries an Apple Jack but Primo Rolls through for a two count. Back up, Carlito lands his second attempt at the finisher and picks up the win.
Winner: Carlito

Random Commercial Thought: George Lucas has the world’s most fucked up neck.

Back to the show where Chavo has come out for his match with Horny, but it turns out he has “Adult chickenpox” and he’s going to fight “Markswoggle” in his place….it’s Mark Henry. Oh god, I think I should go somewhere else.

Mark Henry vs. Chavo Guerrero

Henry beats up Chavo with one hand and throws him into the corner. Chavo tries to run but he gets into the ring again to get hit once and scooped for the World’s Strongest Slam.
Winner: Henry

Well at least he didn’t lose to the midg….oh wait Hornswoggle come out from under the ring and does the tadpole splash after the match. He then gets Henry to jump and click his heels….god help us. They even show it in slow motion. I think an angel just died and went to hell.

Random Commercial Thought: Raven Simone has a message about glasses. Fuck you Cosby show spawn!

In the back, Orton tells our hosts he will murder them for being the special ring announcer later and not more important. Nobody cares so we move along to a Kofi Kingston match. Yay!

US Champion Kofi Kingston vs. The Big Show w/ Chris Jericho (US Title Match)

Kingston gets annihilated. I mean, good god he’s getting crushed. HE gets worked over by the head for a while and then Big Show works him up into the corner for some chops. Big Show delivers a big corner body splash. He only gets two when Kofi makes a rope. Kofi gets squished into a weird ass hold that makes no sense. Kofi gets put in a camel clutch through the ropes for the count. Big Show goes for another splash but Kingston knocks him off and kicks his knees out. Kofi starts wailing on him and delivers Trouble in Paradise. Kingston  comes off the op with a leg drop. Jericho says he through him off like a puppet. Big Show delivers a spear but Jericho says he’s like a subway….eat fresh? Is his next feud with Jarod? Anyway Big Show gets DQed right after for overly beating Kofi in the corner.
Winner: Kingston

After the match, Jericho and Big Show just beat him down some more.

Random Commercial Thought: I hate you Rob Zombie. Along with a lot of other directors these days.

Back to the show where Triple H is on the phone. Thrill as wrestlers make generic phone calls! Oh my! He’s talking to Shawn about teaming up soon, but actually manages to get hung up on. Sucks to be him. We get some generic pimping segments and Cena and Miz come out before we go out to commercial again already. Thrilling!

Random Commercial Thought: GiantBomb.Com!

Back to the show where we find out that SGT Slaughter is our next host. Go (to hell) Joe! Miz and Cena are ready but out hosts arrive to reveal they are in fact Orton ans. Host Heel turn? WTF. They make Legacy, Orton and other Raw heels the lumberjacks for the match and try to capitalize on the heel heat that they totally aren’t getting at all.

The Miz vs. John Cena (Lumberjack Fail)

Miz gets kicked to the floor and casually helped back in like an old woman. Ken continues to chew up the scenery even during the match, damnit. Cena is pushed to the floor after hes distracted out of an STF by Orton. Masters puts him in the MASTERfull Nelson until he’s out. Miz covers for two back in the ring. Miz chokes Cena in the corner but Cena comes back with his general offense and the protobomb. .Cena pulls the ropes down when he tries for Five Knuckle Shuffle and they all pile on. Cena is tossed back in as Ken provides a weapon for Miz. Miz is countered by an FU for the three.
Winner: Cena

After the match, Cena scares everyone off on the outside before….JP goes up top for a cross body. Cena catches him and uses him as a weapon on everybody. Ken hits him with the cane to no effect and then tries to show he was on Cena’s side. He massages his shoulders and eventually gets  grabbed for a military press throw to he outside out of an offered handshake. I can’t believe I just typed any of this. Sometimes, I think I must be masochistic, folks.

Highlight of the Night: JP goes for the big dive! Woo!

Lowlight of the Night: Dr. Ken. Just…Dr. Ken.

WWE “Creative” Award: G.I. Joe is probably written better.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).