By Cameron Burge
Welcome back to the Raw Rant
where we’ve had more guest hosts than What’s My
Line? At this point. Let’s get right into it.
opens with Jeremy Pivan coming out in a limousine.
He crawls out of the top and brings with him an
Asian in the trunk, Dr. Ken….he’s dressed as a pimp.
About half way through their over the top
introductions of each other causes me to die a
little inside. Jeremy has to run back down the
entrance and have the pyro go off behind him.
Unfortunately it doesn’t light him on fire like I
was hoping. JP gets interrupted by The Miz who
according to my friend Rachael here appears to be
the biggest tool she’s ever seen. I have to agree.
Dr. Ken is on some fucking drugs I think because
he’s just rolling on the ground. This is….this
sucks. Dr. Ken gets all angry and puts a pacifier in
his mouth. What the fuck is going on. Miz wants a
rematch with John Cena. Because we’ve already seen
this match very eek for over a month now, so this
should keep going. Cena thanks Ken for helping him
clear up a rash.
Cena points out he could get
Miz into his schedule, but he’s not very good and
tonight needs to be special. Cena pimps out JP’s new
movie (it sucks). They continues to make fun of Miz
and agree to have Miz compete with Cena in a
lumberjack match. It’s ballsy. The stipulation is
that if Miz loses he can’t come back to his home
town in the Staples Center or Summerslam ever again.
They then add that if he loses he can never come
back to Raw either. YAY!
Thought: Get Away from that movie if you value your
Evan Bourne is out as we come back
to get some revenge on Jack swagger.
Evan Bourne vs. Jack Swagger
gets completely out wrestled, Evan dodging
everything and hitting some head scissors. Evan goes
up top and manages to get caught. He trips Swagger
up though and tries for a moonsault on the ground
which is blocked by the knees. Bourne gets power
slammed into the corner and then the ground. No
comeback for Bourne here as he’s crushed by a
Gutwrench Powerbomb for the win.
After the match, it’s back to commercials for us and
apparently everybody and his dog needs to talk to me
right this second.
Random Commercial Thought:
G.I. Joe. I’m still not sick of being pissed off
about this movie. Fuck this. Fuck everybody who is
even IN that movie.
Back to the show for a
Shaq Recap. What the fuck? Okay so why am I watching
this? Dr. Ken and JP are hanging with the Raw
Bitches in the back and talking about being badass.
Ken says he could take Big Show and of course he’s
right behind him. Big Show says he’s frustrated and
wants him back tonight so he can destroy him. Dr.
Ken is probably the most offensive person ever. I’m
pretty sure Asians have been set back by centuries
now. JP tells big Show to go beat Kofi for the US
title tonight. We see Gail Kim and Mickie James
getting ready for tag team action…hey get back here!
Random Commercial Thought: Halloween 2.…coming out
Beth starts us off with Gail and
annihilates her so the Asian runs like a pussy and
tags in Mickie James. Mickie works Beth over,
kicking out her legs and hitting a sunset flip. Beth
regains the advantage and tags in Jillian. Jillian
fucks up majorly as per usual and Gail Kim makes the
tag. Gail hit’s a weird body slingshot into Jillian.
Jillian slaps Gail off and makes a tag while she’s
not looking to Beth. Beth comes up behind Gail while
she tries for her finisher. Beth hoists her up for
Phoenix Arizona and gets the three.
In the back, Trips is getting
ready for his handicap match.
Commercial Thought: So we’re having a radio
stationed Mudvayne and Korn concert called
Summerslam coming up. Ha.
Back to he show for
Priceless/Legacy or whatever you want to call them.
The Ambiguously Gay Duo? By the way, I was WAY too
budy talking about donuts to pay attention to Triple
Triple H vs. Legacy
annihilates Rhodes right away, but after dropping a
knee, Rhodes gets up and scrambles to a tag. Dibiase
comes in and for their trouble, Trips clotheslines
them both to the floor and taunts his Thor-like
Random Commercial Thought: We got
We come back to headlocks! Oh
trhills! Trips breaks free and Rhodes tags out, but
we are back to even more headlock. They continue to
trade headlocks. Oooo. Dibiase crushes Trips with a
power slam but only gets a two count and gets angry.
Rhodes is in now and he goes to…another chin lock,
good Christ. Cody works Trips to the ground and goe
sup top for a corkscrew body splash that would have
been cool if he didn’t hit his face into the mat and
totally miss. Too bad. Trips comes back now and
sends Dibiase to the floor off the apron. He spine
busters Rhodes, and goes for the Pedigree, but
Dibaise is back in with Dream Street. Rhodes crawls
to the tag but only gets two. As Trips Stands, he
eats Crossroads and it’s over.
Wait…what? You mean…Triple H…lost? Obviously the ref
fucked up here or Stephanie was sick on the writing
for this script. Trips gets a microphone and says Ow
a bunch saying that it hurt. Trips asks if it is if
they are just that good because they keep beating
him. He says they might be too much for him. Too
much gay? Probably. Trips says he should bring back
Evolution but Orton is a jerk, Batista is injured
and Flair is signing autographs at the VFW. Instead,
he’ll just make one phone call. I wonder if it’s
Shawn Michaels /sarcasm. He tells them he has two
words for him as we go to commercial.
Commercial Thought: I hate everyone.
the show. Chavo says something to our hosts but I
can’t bring myself to care since he loses to
Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Primo Colon
Carlito catches a kick early on but Primo comes back
aggressively, pushing him about the ring. Carlito
tries to send him to the outside but Carlito flips
back in and hit’s a flying clothesline for two.
Carlito takes a walk and Primo suicide dives,
dragging him back. Carlito balances Primo on the top
rope when back in and delivers swinging neck
breaker for two. Pretty cool stunt. Primo comes back
with his standard offense of moves and monkey flips
Carlito out of the corner. He misses a corner charge
and racks his shoulder on the ring post. Carlito
tries an Apple Jack but Primo Rolls through for a
two count. Back up, Carlito lands his second attempt
at the finisher and picks up the win.
Random Commercial Thought: George
Lucas has the world’s most fucked up neck.
Back to the show where Chavo has come out for his
match with Horny, but it turns out he has “Adult
chickenpox” and he’s going to fight “Markswoggle” in
his place….it’s Mark Henry. Oh god, I think I should
go somewhere else.
Mark Henry vs. Chavo Guerrero
beats up Chavo with one hand and throws him into the
corner. Chavo tries to run but he gets into the ring
again to get hit once and scooped for the World’s
least he didn’t lose to the midg….oh wait
Hornswoggle come out from under the ring and does
the tadpole splash after the match. He then gets
Henry to jump and click his heels….god help us. They
even show it in slow motion. I think an angel just
died and went to hell.
Thought: Raven Simone has a message about glasses.
Fuck you Cosby show spawn!
In the back, Orton
tells our hosts he will murder them for being the
special ring announcer later and not more important.
Nobody cares so we move along to a Kofi Kingston
Champion Kofi Kingston vs. The Big Show w/ Chris
Jericho (US Title Match)
annihilated. I mean, good god he’s getting crushed.
HE gets worked over by the head for a while and then
Big Show works him up into the corner for some
chops. Big Show delivers a big corner body splash.
He only gets two when Kofi makes a rope. Kofi gets
squished into a weird ass hold that makes no sense.
Kofi gets put in a camel clutch through the ropes
for the count. Big Show goes for another splash but
Kingston knocks him off and kicks his knees out.
Kofi starts wailing on him and delivers Trouble in
Paradise. Kingston comes off the op with a leg
drop. Jericho says he through him off like a puppet.
Big Show delivers a spear but Jericho says he’s like
a subway….eat fresh? Is his next feud with Jarod?
Anyway Big Show gets DQed right after for overly
beating Kofi in the corner.
After the match, Jericho and Big Show just beat him
down some more.
Random Commercial Thought: I
hate you Rob Zombie. Along with a lot of other
directors these days.
Back to the show where
Triple H is on the phone. Thrill as wrestlers make
generic phone calls! Oh my! He’s talking to Shawn
about teaming up soon, but actually manages to get
hung up on. Sucks to be him. We get some generic
pimping segments and Cena and Miz come out before we
go out to commercial again already. Thrilling!
Random Commercial Thought: GiantBomb.Com!
Back to the show where we find out that SGT
Slaughter is our next host. Go (to hell) Joe! Miz
and Cena are ready but out hosts arrive to reveal
they are in fact Orton ans. Host Heel turn? WTF.
They make Legacy, Orton and other Raw heels the
lumberjacks for the match and try to capitalize on
the heel heat that they totally aren’t getting at
The Miz vs. John Cena (Lumberjack
Miz gets kicked to the floor and
casually helped back in like an old woman. Ken
continues to chew up the scenery even during the
match, damnit. Cena is pushed to the floor after hes
distracted out of an STF by Orton. Masters puts him
in the MASTERfull Nelson until he’s out. Miz covers
for two back in the ring. Miz chokes Cena in the
corner but Cena comes back with his general offense
and the protobomb. .Cena pulls the ropes down when
he tries for Five Knuckle Shuffle and they all pile
on. Cena is tossed back in as Ken provides a weapon
for Miz. Miz is countered by an FU for the three.
After the match, Cena scares
everyone off on the outside before….JP goes up top
for a cross body. Cena catches him and uses him as a
weapon on everybody. Ken hits him with the cane to
no effect and then tries to show he was on Cena’s
side. He massages his shoulders and eventually gets
grabbed for a military press throw to he outside out
of an offered handshake. I can’t believe I just
typed any of this. Sometimes, I think I must be
Highlight of the Night: JP goes for the big
Lowlight of the Night: Dr. Ken. Just…Dr. Ken.
WWE “Creative” Award: G.I.
Joe is probably written better.
Send Feedback to
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr.
Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period"
appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also
known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all
those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by
Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW
responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also
dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes
his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read
his Raw Reports or die.
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).