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WWE
RAW RANT:
(08/02/10)
By Cameron Burge

We’re back for another round of WWE Nexus - The Show! Also there might be wrestling. But probably not. Has anyone else noticed that Nexus has a lot of weird, goofy finishers? No wonder they hype Gabriel’s 450 over everything else. Oh no not a fireman carry! I’m ascared!

Raw 08.02.10

Show opens with recaps of the last two week’s developments with Nexus. Oh yay, another John Cena movie is coming out, this one is actually making it to theatres again I guess. Cena title run to coincide with the movie’s release? Likely. After several minutes of painfully slow recapping, Edge opens things up for us. Edge says everyone lets him down and he’s tried, so he should just listen to his gut. It’s telling him to get some Arby’s. He says he’s challenging Wade to a one on one match and no interference should be allowed. He’s interrupted in the middle of his speech by R-Truth. Truth is straight muggin’ on Edge. Oh God, he actually says “ax” instead of ask? Truth tells him that he must be fucking crazy to think beating Wade will work. He says he better listen to him if not Cena. He’s giving some kind of weird “we’re fighting for our freedom” speech as if the Nexus is as threatening as the NWO was.

Edge says that his version of the Truth is that to kill a snake, you chop the head off, so if he beats Wade it should crush Nexus. I’m pretty sure there are other ways to kill a snake you know. Drowning works. We get an AIM message when Edge threatens Truth. The GM orders Truth out of the ring because the Wade match is now.

Random Commercial Thought: And by now, I mean, commercials.

Back to the show for the match.

Wade Barrett vs. Edge

Wade chucks Edge to the floor, but a cheap shot allows Edge to come back in safely. He kicks Wade to the floor who has this way of selling things like a little kid who has been hit, or as if he’s drunk. Edge rams Wade in the corner and picks up a one count. Wade delivers a running boot to Edge off the ropes and it’s so sloppy he decides to do this spot TWICE and kicks Edge off the apron with it. Edge is slammed into the edge of the ring a couple of times before Wade tosses him back in for more stomps and kicks. Wade works a rest hold because he’s blown up already I guess. Edge fights free ad they clothesline each other. Edge comes back with the Edge-o-matic for two.

Edge decides to go to the top rope despite having no top rope moves. Gee, I wonder I he’ll be knocked off. Wade meet him up top and carries Edge into his finisher, but Edge counters into the Edge-u-cution DDT then sets up for the spear. Wade runs to the floor rather than get speared by the obvious move. Wade shakes his head and signals so Nexus arrives and chases Edge into the crowd who runs like a little baby chicken wimp.
Winner: Um…Wade? I guess? By Countout? Hell if I know.

Non-finish for the win? All I ask is for consistency in the rules that declares a winner. Is that so much to ask for in your fake sports, huh?

Random Commercial Thought: Little River Band is too hardcore for you. Like the Legend of the Rent.

Back to the show. Edge is bitching and looking for Cena in the back. When he finds him, he demands to know why he didn’t help. Cena said he was listening and leaving him alone so Edge quits. Jericho then arrives to tell Cena to quit too and challenges him to a match to stay on the team. Cena accepts reluctantly and then we get a replay about Bret at Summerslam against Mr. Perfect. Morrison is talking to Khali about sticking together. It somehow ends up being about the seven dwarves. Morrison leaves and Nexus approaches to say they respect Khali and that Cena doesn’t. They offer him a spot on Nexus and leave. His handler tells him to think about it. More commercials? I’ll have another.

Random Commercial Thought: I rule the air with an iron blimp. It hasn’t really flown that well.

Back to the show. A diva’s six-girl tag match? Oh dear god, somebody must hate me.

Alicia Fox & Jillian Hall & Tamina vs. Gail Kim & Eve Torres & Natalya

Jillian tosses Gail around all angry and picks up a two count off of a hair toss. She pulls the hair some more and delivers a backbreaker for two. Alicia tags in and kicks Gail some more before delivering a northern lights suplex for two. Jillian refuses to tag Alicia and Gail comes back, dropping her on her face. Natalya tags in and crushes her with a clothesline and suplex. Natalya dropkicks the back of the head and puts her down with a scoop slam and chicken wing suplex pin. Nice work, all solidly done. Gail has to cut off Tamina and Jillian takes her out after an outside dive by tossing her into the ring post hard. Tamina crushes Eve from behind but back in the ring, Natalya is putting on a sharpshooter. Tamina has to be stopped first though, allowing a shitting scissor kick from Alicia where she literally just sat on her.
Winners: Heels

Actually, except for that scissor kick where she just kicked the side of Natalya’s head, it was a pretty good match. Alicia talks about having beaten everyone and being the best….except Tamina? She says no one is comparable to her on the roster and Melina’s music hits. Jillian throws her back in the ring and Melina Matrix dodges a clothesline before delivering he little split legged finisher and declaring herself to be back. Well. She’s a step up from Eve for sure. Maybe somebody realized that another match between Eve and Alicia would probably result in a death.

Random Commercial Thought: Liberals are the devil I guess?

Back to the show where Sheamus is here to fight Goldust and we get an ECW replay from last year of these two wrestling as if we care.

WWE Champion Sheamus vs. Goldust (Non-Title Match)

The tie up oddly in the corner and Sheamus slaps him so Goldust slaps back and starts firing up. Sheamus blocks the Goldust uppercut with a knee to the head. Sheamus delivers a running axe handle to Goldust and delivers his backbreaker that is apparently called the Irish Curse. I thought the Irish Curse was drinking heavily. Pro Kick crushes Dusty and things are finished with the High Cross after a little Catholic symbolism. Because Catholics are all about the professional wrestling.
Winner: Sheamus

Sheamus cuts a promo about crushing the man he used to feud with and ending Trip’s career despite Orton never being able to beat him. Blah blah, I’m awesome, blah. We see Cena and Jericho prepping for their match as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: If Trips has no career, then why make a cup of him?

Back to the show where Jericho is out first, followed by Cena.

John Cena vs. Jericho (Loser Leaves the All-Stars)

Jericho powers Cena into a corner and punches him out before delivering a suplex. Jericho stays in control and dumps Cena to the floor who makes it back in at 9. Jericho pounces back on him with punches and orders for Cena to stay down. He chokes Cena out on the ropes. Cena tries to rally back but is kicked out in the corner by Jericho and hung up on the bottom rope. It’s kind of funny that Jericho first starts to climb the ropes before deciding to go do that instead as if he forgot the spot like he was Jeff Hardy. Cena comes back with his general offense now and delivers protobomb. Cena taunts for the five Knuckle Shuffle and comes off the ropes into a Code Breaker. Cena falls to the floor and Jericho carries him back into the ring like an idiot rather than just winning by count out so he only picks up two of course. Retard. Why would you do that?

Random Commercial Thought: That’s my long answer to everything too. Nooooooooooo- etc.

Back to the match. Cena tries for an STF, but Jericho blocks it and escapes. Cena tries for an FU afterward and Jericho grabs the ropes. Cena charges afterward and Jericho pulls the ropes down, dumping him to the floor. Jericho stops Cena from climbing back in with the springboard dropkick. Jericho slaps him in the back of the head and says, I swear to God, “You’re a stupid man! Stupid man!” Just shy from Plan 9 territory there with “Stupid! Stupid stupid stupid!” Jericho picks up a two count back in the ring. Jericho ducks Cena’s bulldog and counters with a right hand into the lionsault for two. Jericho tries for a superplex and Cena blocks to hit the guillotine leg drop. Cena hurts his knee in the effort and picks up two so Jericho puts him into the Walls. Cena rolls out of it into the STF and Jericho taps out instantly before the hold is even put on him. Cena looks confused.
Winner: Cena

Cena begs him to stay and says Jericho could go toe to toe with anybody in the ring if he wanted. He says he won’t beg him (even though he just did). Jericho seems to be planning to return but walks off anyway. This episode of Raw brought to you by Quitter Anonymous.

Random Commercial Thought: Take your girlfriend to the Expendables and give her a healthy dose of testosterone.

Edge is talking to Jericho in the back, saying that Cena needs them, not the other way around. They agree that they respect each other. Edge says they would be powerful together. What are they gonna make out? While they hug like queers, the GM decides to join us. Next week, Edge and Jericho will take on John Cena and Bret Hart and Nexus will be standing at ringside as Lumberjacks. Elsewhere, Orton invites Sheamus to see him wreck The Miz, and Miz won’t be in shape to cash in against Sheamus. And next, the trailer for Cena’s movie. Bathroom break?

Random Commercial Thought: The Covert Affairs chick isn’t hot.

The movie is about amateur wrestling. A movie where John Cena teaches wrestling to a kid. That’s funny. Never thought I’d see a movie with Cena and Danny Glover in it. Oh crap, a Khali match.

Ted Dibaise w/ Maryse vs. The Great Khali w/ Handler

Khali no sells a hit and just crushes Dibiase in the corner with punches, elbows and chops. Dibiase kicks the knees out with a dropkick and tries a headlock but Khali just tosses him off into the air and lands a big clothesline. Dibiase runs to the corner from the brain chop and Maryse provides a distraction. Dibiase kicks Khali into the corner while Nexus arrives. This really is starting to feel like the fucking NWO. Dibiase gets distracted and takes the brain chop followed by the vice grip for the win.
Winner: Khali

Miz is walking through the back with his angry face on as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Things could always be worse. I could be Jewish.

Back to the show where we get a video segment about the stars of that Will Ferrell movie with the Bellas. It’s lame and terrible and doesn’t need repeating. Miz gets on the microphone and screams about how pissed he is that Orton stopped his chance to be champion and demands Orton come get his ass kicked because he’s awesome.

United States Champion The Miz vs. Randy Orton (Non-Title Match)

Funny joke here about Miz being the best thing going for his home town without Lebron anymore. Orton runs Miz over after some early tie ups and goes to his stalking stomps. Miz dodges the knee drop and starts to work it over, picking up a two. Miz pummels Orton in the corner but runs into a forearm and gets hung up on the bottom rope. I’ve seen this spot like three times tonight now. Orton picks up two for himself with the knee drop and dumps Miz to the floor. Sheamus appears on the ring ramp as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m kind of tired of the Shawn Michaels/Undertaker match now.

Sheamus has remained motionless on the ring ramp. Orton is working over Miz until he’s crushed by a huge running kick to the jaw. Miz starts to stomp on Orton and works a headlocks. Miz covers for a two count and rakes the eyes while working another headlock. Orton escapes and delivers his backbreaker. Orton crashes into the turnbuckle afterward and Miz signals…something? I guess it’s a leaping clothesline into the corner which garners a two count. Miz is dragged out of the corner from pummeling Orton and Orton comes back with an uppercut but is knocked right back down. Orton finally rallies back and crushes Miz to the apron where he gets the suspended DDT. Miz counters by slipping through and tossing Orton to the floor.

Miz catches him on his way back into the ring with a slam for two. Didn’t really see what it was, but I’m sure it was a move. Miz poises for his finisher and Orton ducks, spinning out into the RKO and putting Miz away.
Winner: Orton

Sheamus tries to charge the ring, but Orton drops into his RKO taunt and Sheamus backs off as the show goes off the air. Quick end, just fades out right after the match.

Highlight of the Night: Miz and Orton put on a pretty good match, as did Jericho and Cena. The Divas were even pretty entertaining. This was a pretty good show overall.

Lowlight of the Night: Alicia Fox continues to try her best to break someone’s neck. Maybe that’s the real reason Jillian is pissed at her.

WWE “Creative” Award: Stop writing Nexus like the New World Order. That was old back when it was new.
 

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).