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RAW RANT:
(07/27/09)
By Cameron Burge

Welcome to the Best Damn Raw Rant Period. Tonight, Raw is Shaq Fu! I highly suggest that you all run screaming for the hills right now while you still have time. It’s not too late, SAVE YOURSELVES! Tonight’s special guest host is Shaq himself and who else is perfect to host Raw after a stale and uninteresting PPV, than a stale and uninteresting individual who sometimes acts as a “rapping” genie. Uhg.

Raw 07.27.09

The show opens with something as stiff and immobile as Shaq’s acting, King. He introduces the jolly black giant for us. At least he has the courtesy to get out to the ring and do something unlike our last hosts. Shaq says something about basketball that I completely ignore. Shaq says Randy’s opponent for Summerslam will be determined by five matches in a beat the clock challenge. They are Trips, MVP, Jack Swagger, Mark Henry, and John Cena. Shaq sounds like he just jazzed his pants announcing Cena’s name. Next to Shaq, King looks like one of the munchkins. Shaq keeps asking us if we are ready before Jericho interrupts things. In case you care, he teamed with Big Show to defend his belts. Shaq stares Jericho down for insulting him and makes him wet his pants in horror….and his complete and total lack of any emotional registry in his voice. Jericho says they’ll be having problems while this segment continues to creep along at a snail’s pace.
 
 Jericho decides to call out The Big Show. My God they make suits in his size. Shaq ends up challenging Big Show to a match. WHY, WHYWHYWHYWHYW?! I’m pretty sure my inner mark just died a little.

Big Show thankfully refuses the match on the basis he would permanently injure him. I thought they’d permanently injure my mind. Shaq says he actually got two people who will fight them in his place then and calls out Cryme Tyme, which insinuates he has been planning to fight these two from the beginning. What kind of an asshole is he? Was he planning on picking a fight then? Big Show and Jericho decide to leave the ring as he assigns a special outside enforcer and chants Christina at Jericho for a while. He starts asking us if we are ready again. God damnit take the fucking microphone away from him.

Random Commercial Thought: There are over 9000 versions of Over 9000!!!!!

Back to the show where Mark Henry is….h-hey where are you going?! Don’t leave me here alone! Carlito is his opponent.

Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Mark Henry (Beat the Clock)

Carlito runs away from Henry, running up the clock on the outside and by hiding in the corner and through the ropes. Henry levels him with a shoulder block but Carlito takes a walk. Henry drags him back top the ring and throws him inside but eats a dropkick. Henry catches Carlito out of a suicide dives before gorilla press slamming him back into the ring and covering for two. Carlito fights back but his fists are caught and he’s thrown down for another two. Carlito has to be dragged by his foot back into the ring but he manages to slide back out the other side. Carlito gets his rebound elbow and  manages to then run right into a big right hand for two. Henry crushes Carlito in the corner but Carlito is under the ropes. A big kick gets another two. Come on, get on with it. Henry uses his ultimate attack and sits on Carlito but he misses. Carlito delivers a kick and guillotine leg drop for two.

Carlito gets two off a dropkick and goes to a sleeper hold. Henry eventually backs him into a corner but Carlito dropkicks the knee and goes up top only to be caught. Carlito slips out but just falls off out of an Apple Jack attempt. Carlito gets a jaw buster in but a cross body is finally countered into the strongest slam.
Winner: Henry at 6:49

Random Commercial Thought: It isn’t very well known that talking ovens are spreading their cominance across the country.

Welcome back to the show where we have a six diva tag match….hey even Michael Cole has abandoned me! What the hell?

Beth Phoenix & Rosa Mendez & Alicia Fox vs. Diva’s Champion Mickie James & Gail Kim & Kelly Kelly

Beth starts us off with Gail Kim and overpowers her. Beth poerbombs Gail out of the corner but  gets caught some kind of weird wrap around head scissors. Rosa breaks it up and the double team takes Gail down. Beth mounts for some punches. Alicia tags in and lands a tilt-a-whirl back breaker for two. She gets all pissy, probably because she’s black, and slams Gail around by the hair. Rosa tags in and delivers a weakling slam for one. A foot press flips Alicia away, allowing a tag to Mickie. Mickie beats her ass, delivering a head scissors and a Lou Thesz press. Mickie drags Alicia to the corner by the foot where Gail delivers a Missile Dropkick for the three.
Winners: Faces

Kelly at least tackled Rosa to keep her from breaking the pin. Beth looks annoyed slightly by this. In the back, Cole is talking to Shaq. Hornswoggle arrives for um…comedy? I guess we can call it that. Apparently they went to high school together…..SHAQ WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL?! Michael Cole uses the word “Shaq-o-licious” to which even Shaq himself seems to think is quite possibly the lamest thing said by anyone ever.

Random Commercial Thought: The power of leather is to stick to your ass in the heat.

Back to the show. MVP is on call for the beat the clock challenge. If he can’t beat the time set by Henry, then we probably won’t be getting this shit done on time. MVP is taking on.,…Chris Master? Well damn. Somebody really hates me. Cole says that Masters looks better than ever, if by better you mean, shrunken.

Chris Masters vs. MVP (Beat the Clock)

Master pummels MVP from the start, catching him with a foot out of a corner charge and going for the MasterFULL Nelson. MVP slips down out of it but Masters keeps pummeling him and delivers a suplex for two. MVP gets a small advantage and tries for some covers but only gets one. MVP misses his running kick and Chris tries for the hold again. He gets pushed out of it, but keeps pounding on MVP’s back. MVP leaps out of the corner and levels Masters with a clothesline for two. MVP gets dumped to the floor. Masters drags MVP from the ring and puts the MasterFULL Nelson on the outside until it’s a double count out.
Winner: Nobody lulz

Random Commercial Thought: Saw 6 will be the greatest sixth movie in a franchise ever.

Back to the show where Kendrick is out to face Kingston. He says he’s going to slap Jerry until he cries after his match. He won’t stop talking even though the ref tells him to because the match is starting.

U.S. Champion Kofi Kingston vs. Brian Kendrick (Non-title Match)

Kendrick keeps yelling at Lawler and turns around into Trouble in Paradise. Ouch.
Winner: Kingston

Well that was fun. Trips is on his way out for the beat the clock challenge when Dibaise bashes him in the knee with a police baton as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Quentin Terantino is one of those directors who will never bother to improve on his stale style because people keep mindlessly paying to see it.

Cody Rhodes brings us back from commercial….oh there you go again, get back here it can’t be that bad! He’s to be Trips’ opponent for this.

Triple H vs. Cody Rhodes (Beat the Clock)

Trips hops around to favor his leg and Cody makes a dive for it. Trips punches him off and shoves him back. Cody decides to be a little more cautious which gets him grounded with a headlock which is a great maneuver in a match you need speed to win. Oh wait. No it isn’t. The hold is released and Rhodes tries to come back but Trips just ground him with another headlock takedown. Yaaawwwwn. Rhodes manages to trip him up and slams the knee into the ringpost. Rhodes is back in with elbow drops on the leg. Trips fights back, working himself out of the corner but eating a drop toe hold into the world’s most retarded leg lock. He keeps bending the knee over the back of his own head. Wouldn’t that hurt yourself, you fucking idiot? Flip over leg pull from Rhodes gets him two.

Rhodes drags the leg and continues to trip him up, working it around in a single leg lock twist. Trips gets some good kicks with his good leg to the face. Another drop toe hold here before Rhodes is up top for a flying axe handle. It actually hits surprisingly enough and gets a two count. Rhodes goe sup top again because he need sto make himself as vulnerable as possible. Trips catches him in mid jump for a pedigree but his leg gets kicked out. Rhodes locks in a figure four and Trips flips it over. Rhodes escapes. As we have a little over a minute left now. Trips kicks him out of a second figure four, sending him shoulder first into the ring post. Trips powers out of the corner to run Rhodes over. 50 seconds. Trips fights back now with big rights and Rhodes runs into a spine buster. Dibiase distracts on the apron and dares trips to punch him. Trips refuses and slams Rhodes into him before delivers the pedigree but his knee gave out before he could do it,
 costing him the time needed.
 
Winner: Trips I guess? The match ends with the timer so I guess no one.

Shaq is in the back playing Scrabble with Santino. He spells Shaqzilla. This is bullshit! Santino calls him on this tomfoolery before Cryme Tyme shows up to steal the spotlight. Someone then choke slams John Cena through it.

Random Commercial Thought: Between Dragonball: Evolution, G.I. Joe, and Transformers 2, my childhood has been assraped this summer.

Back to the show. And now, Hornswoggle….well there went the last of you. Lucky for me, sound cut out for this segment. The readers are encouraged to write their own script for what everyone had to say during this match. From what I gathered, Chavo gets blindfolded for the match. I choose to pretend he just wanted to do some kinky bondage stuff with a midget.

Chavo Guerrero vs. Hornswoggle (Blindfold Match)

Chavo wanders around aimlessly and Chavo creeps up behind to kick him from behind. Chavo tries to tackle him and falls out of the ring. He crawls back in and continues more of the same. Chavo eventually grabs hima nd proceeds to delivers some rape. Horny makes a bair and switch and Chavo tackles the ref. Horny then rolls him up from behind for two. For some reason the ref doesn’t DQ him. Chavo delivers a bulldog for two. Chavo manages to get a dropkick in and checks the face for a beard this time before trying to set up for a frog splash. Chavo places himself in the right place to foo him then just moves to the ring apron. This is painful to watch. I think I would have liked to see anything else. Chavo face plants and takes a tadpole splash when he removes his mask to see where he is.
Winner: Hornswoggle

This is fucking insulting. I’ve got sound back partway through that catastrophy and we’re off to the back for Orton to talk to Jack Swagger. Jack trash talks about how much more awesome he is than Orton. Mark Henry then appears to just smell bad I guess and laugh.

Random Commercial Thought: How many ways can you make a sex joke about an oven?

Back to the show where if you can fake a military ID, they will let you in for free. Jack Swagger is out for his beat the clock challenge. His opponent is Evan Bourne.

Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne (Beat the Clock)

Evan dodges a first few grapples by Swagger. Swagger finally gets a hold of him and hoists Bourne up. He throws but Bourne lands on his feet and trips Swagger up. A head scissors follows. Bourne takes a cheap shot and Swagger starts to work him over with clubbing forearms. Bourne tries a body scissors rebound but Swagger catches him and just back tosses out of it for two. Swagger works an arm lock. Bourne escapes and levels swagger, going up top but Swagger meets him with a big slam. A rebound splash out of the corner gets two for Swagger. Swagger put on a side waist lock to go for the guit wrench but Bourne flips out of it into a small package for the three.
Winner: Bourne

It’s up to Cena now to beat the clock as if he possibly won’t. I think this should have the original rules of Beat the clock with Bourne now getting to go to Summerslam, but instead he gets diddly-shit. We see Cena gets the easiest match of the night by being up against The Miz for the fiftieth time as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I hate actors with moles all over their face like Obi Wan in Episode 3.

Back to the show. Our host next week is Jeremy Piven. Damn, we are scraping the bottom now. Trips gives us an interview in which he says he’ll take out Legacy single handedly next week because you shouldn’t fuck with him. We’re then off to ring side for Miz to make a bunch of not so amusing anecdotes about basketballs and how awesome he is.

Random Commercial Thought: Has anyone ever considered just making New Jersey it’s own sovereign nation so we can declare war on it?

Back to the show. John Cena is out to face Miz finally with Orton having taken a seat at ring side. We have six and a half minutes on the clock but over ten minutes left in the show.

John Cena vs. The Miz (Beat the Clock)

Miz dodges Cena by dancing around and taunting him. Miz sits on the outside of the ring because he’s scared to fight. He doesn’t want to get counted out and lose the match so he finally dives back in and Cena stomps him down. Cena puts on a small package for two and Miz slides out to the floor. Cena cuts him off on the outside with a clothesline and goes for the STF back in the ring. Miz winds himself up in the ropes and kicks Cena off.  Henry is seen staring moodily at a TV in the back. Probably pissed they don’t get PPV back there. Miz grounds Cena for a two count. Miz goes for a headlock a la Orton. We even get a hilarious reaction shot where Orton nods as if he approves greatly of his use of such complicated a maneuver.

Cena gets tossed to the floor and thrown into the steel steps with three and a half still on the clock. Cena takes a nap outside while Miz takes a break in the ring. Cena barely makes it back in in time and drops Miz with the STF for the tap out and the win.
Winner: Cena

Good for him.

Random Commercial Thought: Oh yeah we still have one more match no one cares about coming up don’t we?

Back to the show. Aerosmith has provided the Summerslam theme song in between selling their souls to Guitar Hero I guess. Huh, so Big Show has a blue two-tone leotard now huh? Nothing gay here….Jericho and Shaq are out as well. Apparently Shaq isn’t a ref, though he has a shirt of one. I’m not sure what a special enforcer does, but sit around on the outside and look dumb. Cryme Tyme are out last.

Unified Tag Team Champions Chris Jericho & The Big Show vs. Cryme Tyme (Non-title Match w/ Guest Enforcer: Shaq)

Jericho starts off with JTG. JTG works him over pretty hard with flip over clotheslines and corner pressure. Jerico powers back and tags in Big Show. Show just punches JTG down and works him over with a headlock. Big Show taunts Shaw and delivers some shushed chops and a full nelson to JTG. They stare down while JTG is tossed aside. JTG fights back with rights and runs into a crushing spear that sends JTG to the floor. Show drags him back up by the head and chops him back into the ring. JTG is tossed back into the heel corner where Jericho tags back in, stomping him down. Jericho taunts Shaq and Shad by flexing. JTG fights back and tries to make the tag but Jericho keeps pushing him back and gives a spine buster for two. Headlock proves itself to be rather pointless. JTG gets out with a beck suplex and crawls to Shad.

Shad delivers several clotheslines and butt crushed Jericho in the corner. He bench presses Jericho and dumps him before giving the Money Money elbow. Shad goes for his finisher but Jericho slips out into the Wall. He fails to put it on and Jericho is tossed against the ropes where Shad pushes him. Jericho catches Shad with a kick but is caught by a Fireman carry from Shad followed by a top rope neck breaker from JTG. Big Show breaks up the pin and just stomps down Cryme Tyme until he’s DQed.
Winners: Cryme Tyme

Big Show taunts to do a double choke slam until Shaq decides to meet him in the ring. Oh snap. Oh look at the time, looks like commercial time. They have a shoving match. Big Show grabs the throat but Shaq grabs his back…..oookay. Cryme Tyme then attack allowing Shawq to run Show over….did Cole just say Boom Shaq-a-lacka? My. God. Show and Jericho lick their wounds on the outside as the show goes off the air…and Cole says it’s been a Spec-shaq-ular night. Goddamnit.

Highlight of the Night: Evan Bourne was fun to watch as always and pretty much the only entertaining thing.

Lowlight of the Night: Any fake word with “Shaq” in it that I had to hear.

WWE “Creative” Award: These stupid guest hosts are still going. God, make it end.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).