Welcome to the
Best Damn Raw Rant Period. Tonight, Raw is Shaq Fu!
I highly suggest that you all run screaming for the
hills right now while you still have time. It’s not
too late, SAVE YOURSELVES! Tonight’s special guest
host is Shaq himself and who else is perfect to host
Raw after a stale and uninteresting PPV, than a
stale and uninteresting individual who sometimes
acts as a “rapping” genie. Uhg.
The show opens with
something as stiff and immobile as Shaq’s acting,
King. He introduces the jolly black giant for us. At
least he has the courtesy to get out to the ring and
do something unlike our last hosts. Shaq says
something about basketball that I completely ignore.
Shaq says Randy’s opponent for Summerslam will be
determined by five matches in a beat the clock
challenge. They are Trips, MVP, Jack Swagger, Mark
Henry, and John Cena. Shaq sounds like he just
jazzed his pants announcing Cena’s name. Next to
Shaq, King looks like one of the munchkins. Shaq
keeps asking us if we are ready before Jericho
interrupts things. In case you care, he teamed with
Big Show to defend his belts. Shaq stares Jericho
down for insulting him and makes him wet his pants
in horror….and his complete and total lack of any
emotional registry in his voice. Jericho says
they’ll be having problems while this segment
continues to creep along at a snail’s pace.
decides to call out The Big Show. My God they make
suits in his size. Shaq ends up challenging Big Show
to a match. WHY, WHYWHYWHYWHYW?! I’m pretty sure my
inner mark just died a little.
thankfully refuses the match on the basis he would
permanently injure him. I thought they’d permanently
injure my mind. Shaq says he actually got two people
who will fight them in his place then and calls out
Cryme Tyme, which insinuates he has been planning to
fight these two from the beginning. What kind of an
asshole is he? Was he planning on picking a fight
then? Big Show and Jericho decide to leave the ring
as he assigns a special outside enforcer and chants
Christina at Jericho for a while. He starts asking
us if we are ready again. God damnit take the
fucking microphone away from him.
Commercial Thought: There are over 9000 versions of
Back to the show where Mark
Henry is….h-hey where are you going?! Don’t leave me
here alone! Carlito is his opponent.
Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Mark
Henry (Beat the Clock)
away from Henry, running up the clock on the outside
and by hiding in the corner and through the ropes.
Henry levels him with a shoulder block but Carlito
takes a walk. Henry drags him back top the ring and
throws him inside but eats a dropkick. Henry catches
Carlito out of a suicide dives before gorilla press
slamming him back into the ring and covering for
two. Carlito fights back but his fists are caught
and he’s thrown down for another two. Carlito has to
be dragged by his foot back into the ring but he
manages to slide back out the other side. Carlito
gets his rebound elbow and manages to then run
right into a big right hand for two. Henry crushes
Carlito in the corner but Carlito is under the
ropes. A big kick gets another two. Come on, get on
with it. Henry uses his ultimate attack and sits on
Carlito but he misses. Carlito delivers a kick and
guillotine leg drop for two.
Carlito gets two
off a dropkick and goes to a sleeper hold. Henry
eventually backs him into a corner but Carlito
dropkicks the knee and goes up top only to be
caught. Carlito slips out but just falls off out of
an Apple Jack attempt. Carlito gets a jaw buster in
but a cross body is finally countered into the
Winner: Henry at 6:49
Random Commercial Thought: It isn’t very well known
that talking ovens are spreading their cominance
across the country.
Welcome back to the show
where we have a six diva tag match….hey even Michael
Cole has abandoned me! What the hell?
Beth Phoenix & Rosa Mendez & Alicia Fox vs.
Diva’s Champion Mickie James & Gail Kim & Kelly
Beth starts us off with Gail Kim
and overpowers her. Beth poerbombs Gail out of the
corner but gets caught some kind of weird wrap
around head scissors. Rosa breaks it up and the
double team takes Gail down. Beth mounts for some
punches. Alicia tags in and lands a tilt-a-whirl
back breaker for two. She gets all pissy, probably
because she’s black, and slams Gail around by the
hair. Rosa tags in and delivers a weakling slam for
one. A foot press flips Alicia away, allowing a tag
to Mickie. Mickie beats her ass, delivering a head
scissors and a Lou Thesz press. Mickie drags Alicia
to the corner by the foot where Gail delivers a
Missile Dropkick for the three.
Kelly at least tackled Rosa to keep her from
breaking the pin. Beth looks annoyed slightly by
this. In the back, Cole is talking to Shaq.
Hornswoggle arrives for um…comedy? I guess we can
call it that. Apparently they went to high school
together…..SHAQ WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL?! Michael Cole
uses the word “Shaq-o-licious” to which even Shaq
himself seems to think is quite possibly the lamest
thing said by anyone ever.
Thought: The power of leather is to stick to your
ass in the heat.
Back to the show. MVP is on
call for the beat the clock challenge. If he can’t
beat the time set by Henry, then we probably won’t
be getting this shit done on time. MVP is taking
on.,…Chris Master? Well damn. Somebody really hates
me. Cole says that Masters looks better than ever,
if by better you mean, shrunken.
Chris Masters vs. MVP (Beat the
Master pummels MVP from the
start, catching him with a foot out of a corner
charge and going for the MasterFULL Nelson. MVP
slips down out of it but Masters keeps pummeling him
and delivers a suplex for two. MVP gets a small
advantage and tries for some covers but only gets
one. MVP misses his running kick and Chris tries for
the hold again. He gets pushed out of it, but keeps
pounding on MVP’s back. MVP leaps out of the corner
and levels Masters with a clothesline for two. MVP
gets dumped to the floor. Masters drags MVP from the
ring and puts the MasterFULL Nelson on the outside
until it’s a double count out.
Random Commercial Thought: Saw 6 will be
the greatest sixth movie in a franchise ever.
Back to the show where Kendrick is out to face
Kingston. He says he’s going to slap Jerry until he
cries after his match. He won’t stop talking even
though the ref tells him to because the match is
U.S. Champion Kofi Kingston vs.
Brian Kendrick (Non-title Match)
Kendrick keeps yelling at Lawler and turns around
into Trouble in Paradise. Ouch.
Well that was fun. Trips is on his way out for the
beat the clock challenge when Dibaise bashes him in
the knee with a police baton as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Quentin Terantino is one
of those directors who will never bother to improve
on his stale style because people keep mindlessly
paying to see it.
Cody Rhodes brings us back
from commercial….oh there you go again, get back
here it can’t be that bad! He’s to be Trips’
opponent for this.
Triple H vs. Cody Rhodes (Beat the Clock)
Trips hops around to favor his leg and Cody makes a
dive for it. Trips punches him off and shoves him
back. Cody decides to be a little more cautious
which gets him grounded with a headlock which is a
great maneuver in a match you need speed to win. Oh
wait. No it isn’t. The hold is released and Rhodes
tries to come back but Trips just ground him with
another headlock takedown. Yaaawwwwn. Rhodes manages
to trip him up and slams the knee into the ringpost.
Rhodes is back in with elbow drops on the leg. Trips
fights back, working himself out of the corner but
eating a drop toe hold into the world’s most
retarded leg lock. He keeps bending the knee over
the back of his own head. Wouldn’t that hurt
yourself, you fucking idiot? Flip over leg pull from
Rhodes gets him two.
Rhodes drags the leg and
continues to trip him up, working it around in a
single leg lock twist. Trips gets some good kicks
with his good leg to the face. Another drop toe hold
here before Rhodes is up top for a flying axe
handle. It actually hits surprisingly enough and
gets a two count. Rhodes goe sup top again because
he need sto make himself as vulnerable as possible.
Trips catches him in mid jump for a pedigree but his
leg gets kicked out. Rhodes locks in a figure four
and Trips flips it over. Rhodes escapes. As we have
a little over a minute left now. Trips kicks him out
of a second figure four, sending him shoulder first
into the ring post. Trips powers out of the corner
to run Rhodes over. 50 seconds. Trips fights back
now with big rights and Rhodes runs into a spine
buster. Dibiase distracts on the apron and dares
trips to punch him. Trips refuses and slams Rhodes
into him before delivers the pedigree but his knee
gave out before he could do it,
costing him the
I guess? The match ends with the timer so I guess no
Shaq is in the back playing Scrabble
with Santino. He spells Shaqzilla. This is bullshit!
Santino calls him on this tomfoolery before Cryme
Tyme shows up to steal the spotlight. Someone then
choke slams John Cena through it.
Commercial Thought: Between Dragonball: Evolution,
G.I. Joe, and Transformers 2, my childhood has been
assraped this summer.
Back to the show. And
now, Hornswoggle….well there went the last of you.
Lucky for me, sound cut out for this segment. The
readers are encouraged to write their own script for
what everyone had to say during this match. From
what I gathered, Chavo gets blindfolded for the
match. I choose to pretend he just wanted to do some
kinky bondage stuff with a midget.
Chavo Guerrero vs. Hornswoggle (Blindfold Match)
Chavo wanders around aimlessly and Chavo creeps up
behind to kick him from behind. Chavo tries to
tackle him and falls out of the ring. He crawls back
in and continues more of the same. Chavo eventually
grabs hima nd proceeds to delivers some rape. Horny
makes a bair and switch and Chavo tackles the ref.
Horny then rolls him up from behind for two. For
some reason the ref doesn’t DQ him. Chavo delivers a
bulldog for two. Chavo manages to get a dropkick in
and checks the face for a beard this time before
trying to set up for a frog splash. Chavo places
himself in the right place to foo him then just
moves to the ring apron. This is painful to watch. I
think I would have liked to see anything else. Chavo
face plants and takes a tadpole splash when he
removes his mask to see where he is.
This is fucking insulting. I’ve
got sound back partway through that catastrophy and
we’re off to the back for Orton to talk to Jack
Swagger. Jack trash talks about how much more
awesome he is than Orton. Mark Henry then appears to
just smell bad I guess and laugh.
Commercial Thought: How many ways can you make a sex
joke about an oven?
Back to the show where if
you can fake a military ID, they will let you in for
free. Jack Swagger is out for his beat the clock
challenge. His opponent is Evan Bourne.
Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne (Beat the Clock)
Evan dodges a first few grapples by Swagger. Swagger
finally gets a hold of him and hoists Bourne up. He
throws but Bourne lands on his feet and trips
Swagger up. A head scissors follows. Bourne takes a
cheap shot and Swagger starts to work him over with
clubbing forearms. Bourne tries a body scissors
rebound but Swagger catches him and just back tosses
out of it for two. Swagger works an arm lock. Bourne
escapes and levels swagger, going up top but Swagger
meets him with a big slam. A rebound splash out of
the corner gets two for Swagger. Swagger put on a
side waist lock to go for the guit wrench but Bourne
flips out of it into a small package for the three.
It’s up to Cena now to beat
the clock as if he possibly won’t. I think this
should have the original rules of Beat the clock
with Bourne now getting to go to Summerslam, but
instead he gets diddly-shit. We see Cena gets the
easiest match of the night by being up against The
Miz for the fiftieth time as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I hate actors with moles
all over their face like Obi Wan in Episode 3.
Back to the show. Our host next week is Jeremy
Piven. Damn, we are scraping the bottom now. Trips
gives us an interview in which he says he’ll take
out Legacy single handedly next week because you
shouldn’t fuck with him. We’re then off to ring side
for Miz to make a bunch of not so amusing anecdotes
about basketballs and how awesome he is.
Random Commercial Thought: Has anyone ever
considered just making New Jersey it’s own sovereign
nation so we can declare war on it?
the show. John Cena is out to face Miz finally with
Orton having taken a seat at ring side. We have six
and a half minutes on the clock but over ten minutes
left in the show.
John Cena vs. The Miz (Beat the Clock)
Miz dodges Cena by dancing around and taunting him.
Miz sits on the outside of the ring because he’s
scared to fight. He doesn’t want to get counted out
and lose the match so he finally dives back in and
Cena stomps him down. Cena puts on a small package
for two and Miz slides out to the floor. Cena cuts
him off on the outside with a clothesline and goes
for the STF back in the ring. Miz winds himself up
in the ropes and kicks Cena off. Henry is seen
staring moodily at a TV in the back. Probably pissed
they don’t get PPV back there. Miz grounds Cena for
a two count. Miz goes for a headlock a la Orton. We
even get a hilarious reaction shot where Orton nods
as if he approves greatly of his use of such
complicated a maneuver.
Cena gets tossed to
the floor and thrown into the steel steps with three
and a half still on the clock. Cena takes a nap
outside while Miz takes a break in the ring. Cena
barely makes it back in in time and drops Miz with
the STF for the tap out and the win.
Good for him.
Random Commercial Thought: Oh
yeah we still have one more match no one cares about
coming up don’t we?
Back to the show.
Aerosmith has provided the Summerslam theme song in
between selling their souls to Guitar Hero I guess.
Huh, so Big Show has a blue two-tone leotard now
huh? Nothing gay here….Jericho and Shaq are out as
well. Apparently Shaq isn’t a ref, though he has a
shirt of one. I’m not sure what a special enforcer
does, but sit around on the outside and look dumb.
Cryme Tyme are out last.
Unified Tag Team Champions Chris
Jericho & The Big Show vs. Cryme Tyme (Non-title
Match w/ Guest Enforcer: Shaq)
starts off with JTG. JTG works him over pretty hard
with flip over clotheslines and corner pressure.
Jerico powers back and tags in Big Show. Show just
punches JTG down and works him over with a headlock.
Big Show taunts Shaw and delivers some shushed chops
and a full nelson to JTG. They stare down while JTG
is tossed aside. JTG fights back with rights and
runs into a crushing spear that sends JTG to the
floor. Show drags him back up by the head and chops
him back into the ring. JTG is tossed back into the
heel corner where Jericho tags back in, stomping him
down. Jericho taunts Shaq and Shad by flexing. JTG
fights back and tries to make the tag but Jericho
keeps pushing him back and gives a spine buster for
two. Headlock proves itself to be rather pointless.
JTG gets out with a beck suplex and crawls to Shad.
Shad delivers several clotheslines and butt crushed
Jericho in the corner. He bench presses Jericho and
dumps him before giving the Money Money elbow. Shad
goes for his finisher but Jericho slips out into the
Wall. He fails to put it on and Jericho is tossed
against the ropes where Shad pushes him. Jericho
catches Shad with a kick but is caught by a Fireman
carry from Shad followed by a top rope neck breaker
from JTG. Big Show breaks up the pin and just stomps
down Cryme Tyme until he’s DQed.
Big Show taunts to do a double choke
slam until Shaq decides to meet him in the ring. Oh
snap. Oh look at the time, looks like commercial
time. They have a shoving match. Big Show grabs the
throat but Shaq grabs his back…..oookay. Cryme Tyme
then attack allowing Shawq to run Show over….did
Cole just say Boom Shaq-a-lacka? My. God. Show and
Jericho lick their wounds on the outside as the show
goes off the air…and Cole says it’s been a
Spec-shaq-ular night. Goddamnit.
Highlight of the Night: Evan
Bourne was fun to watch as always and pretty much
the only entertaining thing.
Lowlight of the Night: Any fake word with
“Shaq” in it that I had to hear.
WWE “Creative” Award: These
stupid guest hosts are still going. God, make it