Welcome back to the show
that just keeps on giving. Like Montezuma’s Revenge,
and just about as good, I guess. At least the whole
“Nexus is gonna murder us all” thing might be over
soon? I can only hope.
The show opens
with a recap of Cena forming his team after TOTALLY
swerving us into believing he was going to join
them. I was sweating for all of like two seconds.
Cena arrives afterward to cut a promo about his team
and equates them all to superheroes, saying he’s no
Superman (COUGHBULLSHITCOUGH) and then equates Khali
to being in Wonder Woman. I have to wonder which
outfit he means. The good one or the new shitty 90’s
style crap? The jacket might not look too bad on
him. Jericho comes out and complains that Cena is
calling it his team. Jericho reaffirms his status as
a heel after getting some chants. Jericho demands to
be put in charge and whines like a girl and Cena
slaps the microphone from his hands and tells him it
isn’t about Chris because Nexus has taken things
over. Really? Because I’m pretty sure they could be
fired. Cena says they must both love the business to
be here so he should shut it.
Jericho calls Cena a puppet and then says he’ll
take Cena out himself or with his team if he has to
and instead Cena invites him to try it now. Instead
the GM AIMs us and Cena hilarious gets all pissed
and throws his hat. The GM tells us the match will
be an elimination match, which means it probably
should be a Survivor Series match. Did that get
cancelled? Cole says they have to team tonight
against opponents of the GM’s choosing and Nexus
will have an elimination match against some other
guys. The GM then quote the DX phrase, which comes
off weird when it’s supposedly just text that ends
with saying it has two words for you. Did it have a
“….” at the end too?
Thought: Almost all WWE commercials. Weird.
Sheamus is out as we come back, but for cone he
isn’t going to be crushing Evan Bourne, but watching
Orton’s match who is introduced incorrectly on his
way out. I miss Lillian. She was way hotter than
this twerp. Just saying. Jay Uso is about to get his
shit wrecked. Did they just say the Usos are the
sons of Rikishi? ROFLMAO.
Jey Uso w/ two other black people vs. Randy Orton
Orton runs him down right away. I guess the Usos are
done getting wrecked by the Dynasty every week and
are preparing for some future endeavors? Jey gets
wracked by the neck on the bottom rope and clubbed
over the chest from behind but manages to hand Orton
up on the top rope. Jey stomps away and drops an
elbow for two. He does the world’s most dramatic
cover in the process. They fight to their feet and
brawl until Orton wins out and delivers a scoop
slam. The other Uso tries to get up on the apron and
fairs about as well. Jey takes the suspended DDT.
Orton powers up to big pops and finishes things with
the RKO, landing it after his taunt only because I
assume he was fighting someone who is just a
glorified jobber with a name.
Jimmy attacks from behind and kicks Orton into the
ground, but Sheamus tries a pump kick on Orton who
uses super sense to duck. Sheamus nails Uso and eats
an RKO. Miz comes out to cash in his briefcase, but
Orton delivers an RKO to stop the match from
happening. That’s odd. Makes it seem he might be
afraid to face The Miz over Sheamus. Why else would
Orton even stop Miz from winning the belt otherwise?
On a related note, I just checked and found that
Survivor Series is still on for later this year. I
guess they just couldn’t wait to do a crappy Nexus
match. Maybe that means the storyline will be over
by that time. I can only hope.
Edge is in the
back telling Ted he would rather have him on the
team instead of Khali. Ted says he’ll show he’s
better for the match by beating Morrison tonight.
Edge says if that doesn’t work he’ll have to take
Khali out himself. We then see Khali’s handler is
watching from the shadows like an Indian ninja.
Random Commercial Thought: Remind me to beat up
every Ex of every girl I date. Good way to work out
We return to Sheamus and Miz
arguing in the ring. The crowd shits all over an
e-mail sound. Cole says we’ve received another
Manager (OH SHIT NOT ANOTHER ONE), but thank God he
just flubbed his lines. The e-mail says Miz and
Sheamus will take on Jericho and Cena. We get a
Summerslam flashback to Ultimate Warrior staining
the Honky Tonk Man’s career. Khali confronts Edge in
the back. Somebody cut his hair. Khali challenges
Edge to a match. He even manages to say it himself.
Best promo of his career (five words long)? Quite
Random Commercial Thought: …Piranha
Edge and Khali. Yeah.
Draw your own conclusions on how I feel about that.
Edge vs. The Great Khali
tosses Edge into the corner when he tries to punch.
Edge takes a slap to he chest and is dragged up to
be tossed lightly into a corner that he for some
reasons sells as if he hit it very hard (Read: he
didn’t). Khali slaps Edge down and taunts before
missing a leg drop. Nexus start to charge the ring
and Edge takes a walk through the crowd, leaving
Khali in the ring. Uh…winner is Khali by count out?
A Khali chant just started. Never though I would
hear it. Nexus open their circle and let Khali
leave. Aw, what nice guys. The crowd seems even more
bored than before and would have rather seen a fight
at least. Are you telling me Khali is so fucking
immobile that he couldn’t even just trade punches
with seven guys? We see the group of guys who will
take on Nexus in a warm up match for Summerslam…why
is King in there?
Random Commercial Thought:
Burn Notice is getting a little tiresome with it’s
Back to the show where things
are pretty much the same, except for no shirts now.
Team Raw is Henry, King, The dynasty, Tatsu, Goldust
Team Raw vs. Nexus (Tag Team Elimination Match)
Tatsu starts off with Tarver and gets beat into the
corner. Tatsu fights back with some strikes bu is
tossed into the corner only to stop a corner charge
with a kick. A pivoting power slam by Tarver crushes
Tatsu out of the corner for three and an
elimination. Bourne is in and seems to be going good
until he’s tossed into the corner for Justin
Gabriel. Bourne tosses him over his back and tags
in…King? King winds up on Gabriel and actually
delivers the funniest dropkick ever (he just sort of
fell back and flipped his legs up like an old man
tipping over in a chair) and the fist drop for two
as we go back to commercials that at this point are
starting to get a little too familiar.
Commercial Thought: Bunnies never make good games.
Fuck you, and your castle, Bugs.
break, King bombed his fist drop and got beat by
Slater. Tyson is in on Slater and forces him to the
Raw corner with stomps until the ref drags him off.
Smith tags in and puts Slater down with the stalling
suplex for two. A big backbreaker and leg drop from
Smith follow. Slater is kicked to the corner and
beat around for a bit until he manages a kick on
smith. Slater tries to hop up top but is cut off
with a running power slam. Nexus distract Smith to
stop him, and Slater slips free into his little
sweep move for three. Goldust comes in to a huge pop
and chant hilariously. Atomic drop from Goldust but
a cheap shot allows Otunga to get in. Goldust hits
his uppercut and gets tripped by Young from the
Otunga delivers a huge slam to
Goldust for another three. Henry comes in to perhaps
one of the only big pops of his life. A military
press drop from Henry and Otunga tags in Slater who
runs into a fist. Henry throws Slater across the
ring and Young is in, running into a clothesline and
a foot. Maybe they should start running into big
body parts. The Batista look alike, whatever his
name is, comes in (Shefield I guess) comes in. Henry
takes some shots but just stops a clothesline cold
and power slams Shefield. Henry tosses Gabriel into
the ring and throws him into the corner for a body
slam. Shefield then comes from behind with a
Clothesline from Hell for three. Bourne and Tyson
are the only two left. Bourne and kid both kick
Shefield in the face when he charges the corner.
Tyson leaps into a clothesline but Young tags in and
finishes Tyson for three. Wade Barrett tags in. Wade
misses a clothesline and takes a knee. Bourne starts
kicking and punching every member of Nexus and Wade
comes from behind to end it with his fireman carry
throw for three. Maybe they should have tried naming
some of these moves.
is of course annihilated after the match. He’s used
to that happening by now, I imagine. As if we
haven’t had enough Nexus rammed down our throats,
Wade grabs a microphone to talk about how much more
solid their own team is than Cena’s. Oh crap, they
are all gonna take turns talking, including
Sheffield who fucks up the first word out of his
over-roided lips. From the way he’s panting, those
clothesline must have really put him out. When they
are done, we see Miz rubbing his temple in the back
when Sheamus comes over to complain. Sheamus says
Miz can’t beat him and if he thinks he can win. Miz
says he’ll take him on right after the match tonight
then and just let Jericho and Cena beat his ass for
him then cash in. Sheamus says if he keeps pushing,
he’ll end up regretting it. Probably because his
push will be killed dead for somebody bigger if it
Random Commercial Thought: I
read a book through the commercials, mostly campaign
Back to the show for a match I don’t
want to see.
Diva’s Champion Alicia Fox vs. A Bella (I don’t know
which and don’t care, non-title)
Alicia just stomps the crap out of the Bella. She
brought Jillian with her to this match and Jillian
prevents the Bellas from switching out. The Bella
tries to roll Alicia up for two and then eats a
scissor kick, one of her better ones.
After the match, Jillian tries to sing
for her and gets a scissor kick too, but goddamn was
it the worst one she’s ever does, practically just
sitting on Jillian’s back in the air. Somebody
should check to see if her back is broken.
Random Commercial Thought: Was that Spike from
Cowboy Bebop in the 7-11 commercial?
the show where R-Truth is singing his hit new
single, Pile of Repetitive Lyrics….written by The
Black Eyed Peas no doubt. He’s apparently here to
watch Morrison and Dibiase.
John Morrison w/ R-Truth vs. Ted Dibiase w/ Maryse
Why is this match all about fucking Maryse according
to everyone at the table? Ted stomps into Morrison
in the corner and when he tries to roll away,
Dibiase tackles him and delivers more rights for a
two count. Dibiase picks up another quick two count
and works a rest hold because right punches are
apparently exhausting. Morrison rallies back and
Dibiase eats a flash kick. Maryse distracts Morrison
from Starship pain and Dibiase rolls him up with
feet on the ropes. Truth pushes them off, but
Morrison takes a drop toe hold from Dibiase, sending
him into Truth for the three.
Morrison of course gets all pisses at Truth after
the match and storms off. Cena watches with worry
from a TV in the back as Truth intercepts Morrison
on the stage and tries to explain further. Honestly,
what the fuck is Morrison mad over? That he got
tripped and fell through the fucking ropes into the
guy who was at ringside? Yeah, totally R-Truth’s
Random Commercial Thought: The Rock is
in the same police department as Ferrell and
That commercial break was either
very long or we came back for such a short time that
I didn’t even notice we ever did. It’s time for the
main event and as everyone gets in the ring, they
argue about who will even get to start.
Sheamus & The Miz vs. Chris Jericho & John Cena
Cena ends up starting with Miz when Miz goes for a
cheap shot. Miz gets his shit wrecked and tags back
to Sheamus who looks surprised Miz could possibly
suck that hard. He hasn’t been watching much TV in
his cave in Ireland I guess. Cena works over Sheamus
too and tags out to Jericho who continues the
assault. Jericho delivers a sliding dropkick to
Sheamus and chokes him out in the corner. Sheamus
powers back and Jericho blocks an Irish whip at the
ropes, dumping Sheamus to the floor by pulling the
ropes down. Miz starts trashing Sheamus on the
outside about getting his ass kicked so hard as we
go back to even more commercials. If there is a God
in heaven, he must love advertising agencies.
Random Commercial Thought: Royal Pains. Now
featuring the Fonz.
Back to the show where
Sheamus is running over Cena in the ring with
clotheslines. Miz tags in after Cena is choked out
in the corner but Cena powers back on him with a
fisherman suplex for two. Jericho tags in and beats
Miz in the corner, delivering a knee to the face.
Jericho taunts to a big pop. Back body drop by Miz
is countered into a Walls attempt by Jericho.
Sheamus tries to interfere but Jericho ducks and
delivers a big dropkick. King hilarious tells Cole
to continue sucking up to the anonymous GM that he
was in the middle of felating. King has to spell out
that the GM said a DX quote and they are in San
Antonio tonight, but manages to not mention Michaels
directly. Jericho eats a dropkick from Miz from
behind and Sheamus tags in, working him over some
more in an armbar. Jericho fights out but a back
breaker crushes Jericho for two.
back in and stomps on Jericho some more. Haven’t
seen Jericho playing the part of face in peril in
years, but you didn’t expect Cena to do it did you?
HAHAHA! Jericho is choked out on the ropes and Miz
picks up a two count. Jericho kicks Miz in the jaw
and delivers a flying dropkick from the middle rope.
Sheamus makes the tag first and blocks Jericho with
a shot to the back and a camel clutch. Miz tags in
and bombs a corner leap in the corner, racking
himself. The tags are made and Sheamus takes Cena’s
general offense and the five knuckle shuffle. Miz
distracts the ref, and Jericho gives Cena the code
breaker as Miz blind tags Sheamus and picks up the
Winners: Miz & Sheamus
match, everyone on the Cena team, minus Bret, get in
the ring and argue. Edge gets dropped by Khali and
Morrison tries to step in and gets brain chopped
too. Cena is screaming at everyone as the show goes
off the air. Your heroes ladies and gentlemen!
Arguing like toddlers!
Highlight of the Night: Nothing of note. The
Nexus guys looked okay, but really only showed off
Lowlight of the Night: Alicia Fox wrestled.
WWE “Creative” Award: King?
Was that the best they could do?