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RAW RANT:
(07/26/10)
By Cameron Burge

Welcome back to the show that just keeps on giving. Like Montezuma’s Revenge, and just about as good, I guess. At least the whole “Nexus is gonna murder us all” thing might be over soon? I can only hope.

Raw 07.26.10

The show opens with a recap of Cena forming his team after TOTALLY swerving us into believing he was going to join them. I was sweating for all of like two seconds. Cena arrives afterward to cut a promo about his team and equates them all to superheroes, saying he’s no Superman (COUGHBULLSHITCOUGH) and then equates Khali to being in Wonder Woman. I have to wonder which outfit he means. The good one or the new shitty 90’s style crap? The jacket might not look too bad on him. Jericho comes out and complains that Cena is calling it his team. Jericho reaffirms his status as a heel after getting some chants. Jericho demands to be put in charge and whines like a girl and Cena slaps the microphone from his hands and tells him it isn’t about Chris because Nexus has taken things over. Really? Because I’m pretty sure they could be fired. Cena says they must both love the business to be here so he should shut it.

Jericho calls Cena a puppet and then says he’ll take Cena out himself or with his team if he has to and instead Cena invites him to try it now. Instead the GM AIMs us and Cena hilarious gets all pissed and throws his hat. The GM tells us the match will be an elimination match, which means it probably should be a Survivor Series match. Did that get cancelled? Cole says they have to team tonight against opponents of the GM’s choosing and Nexus will have an elimination match against some other guys. The GM then quote the DX phrase, which comes off weird when it’s supposedly just text that ends with saying it has two words for you. Did it have a “….” at the end too?

Random Commercial Thought: Almost all WWE commercials. Weird.

Sheamus is out as we come back, but for cone he isn’t going to be crushing Evan Bourne, but watching Orton’s match who is introduced incorrectly on his way out. I miss Lillian. She was way hotter than this twerp. Just saying. Jay Uso is about to get his shit wrecked. Did they just say the Usos are the sons of Rikishi? ROFLMAO.

Jey Uso w/ two other black people vs. Randy Orton

Orton runs him down right away. I guess the Usos are done getting wrecked by the Dynasty every week and are preparing for some future endeavors? Jey gets wracked by the neck on the bottom rope and clubbed over the chest from behind but manages to hand Orton up on the top rope. Jey stomps away and drops an elbow for two. He does the world’s most dramatic cover in the process. They fight to their feet and brawl until Orton wins out and delivers a scoop slam. The other Uso tries to get up on the apron and fairs about as well. Jey takes the suspended DDT. Orton powers up to big pops and finishes things with the RKO, landing it after his taunt only because I assume he was fighting someone who is just a glorified jobber with a name.
Winner: Orton

Jimmy attacks from behind and kicks Orton into the ground, but Sheamus tries a pump kick on Orton who uses super sense to duck. Sheamus nails Uso and eats an RKO. Miz comes out to cash in his briefcase, but Orton delivers an RKO to stop the match from happening. That’s odd. Makes it seem he might be afraid to face The Miz over Sheamus. Why else would Orton even stop Miz from winning the belt otherwise? On a related note, I just checked and found that Survivor Series is still on for later this year. I guess they just couldn’t wait to do a crappy Nexus match. Maybe that means the storyline will be over by that time. I can only hope.

Edge is in the back telling Ted he would rather have him on the team instead of Khali. Ted says he’ll show he’s better for the match by beating Morrison tonight. Edge says if that doesn’t work he’ll have to take Khali out himself. We then see Khali’s handler is watching from the shadows like an Indian ninja.

Random Commercial Thought: Remind me to beat up every Ex of every girl I date. Good way to work out aggression.

We return to Sheamus and Miz arguing in the ring. The crowd shits all over an e-mail sound. Cole says we’ve received another Manager (OH SHIT NOT ANOTHER ONE), but thank God he just flubbed his lines. The e-mail says Miz and Sheamus will take on Jericho and Cena. We get a Summerslam flashback to Ultimate Warrior staining the Honky Tonk Man’s career. Khali confronts Edge in the back. Somebody cut his hair. Khali challenges Edge to a match. He even manages to say it himself. Best promo of his career (five words long)? Quite possibly.

Random Commercial Thought: …Piranha 3D?…FFFFFFFFUUUUUU-

Edge and Khali. Yeah. Draw your own conclusions on how I feel about that.

Edge vs. The Great Khali

Khali just tosses Edge into the corner when he tries to punch. Edge takes a slap to he chest and is dragged up to be tossed lightly into a corner that he for some reasons sells as if he hit it very hard (Read: he didn’t). Khali slaps Edge down and taunts before missing a leg drop. Nexus start to charge the ring and Edge takes a walk through the crowd, leaving Khali in the ring. Uh…winner is Khali by count out? A Khali chant just started. Never though I would hear it. Nexus open their circle and let Khali leave. Aw, what nice guys. The crowd seems even more bored than before and would have rather seen a fight at least. Are you telling me Khali is so fucking immobile that he couldn’t even just trade punches with seven guys? We see the group of guys who will take on Nexus in a warm up match for Summerslam…why is King in there?

Random Commercial Thought: Burn Notice is getting a little tiresome with it’s new character.

Back to the show where things are pretty much the same, except for no shirts now. Team Raw is Henry, King, The dynasty, Tatsu, Goldust and Bourne.

Team Raw vs. Nexus (Tag Team Elimination Match)

Tatsu starts off with Tarver and gets beat into the corner. Tatsu fights back with some strikes bu is tossed into the corner only to stop a corner charge with a kick. A pivoting power slam by Tarver crushes Tatsu out of the corner for three and an elimination. Bourne is in and seems to be going good until he’s tossed into the corner for Justin Gabriel. Bourne tosses him over his back and tags in…King? King winds up on Gabriel and actually delivers the funniest dropkick ever (he just sort of fell back and flipped his legs up like an old man tipping over in a chair) and the fist drop for two as we go back to commercials that at this point are starting to get a little too familiar.

Random Commercial Thought: Bunnies never make good games. Fuck you, and your castle, Bugs.

During the break, King bombed his fist drop and got beat by Slater. Tyson is in on Slater and forces him to the Raw corner with stomps until the ref drags him off. Smith tags in and puts Slater down with the stalling suplex for two. A big backbreaker and leg drop from Smith follow. Slater is kicked to the corner and beat around for a bit until he manages a kick on smith. Slater tries to hop up top but is cut off with a running power slam. Nexus distract Smith to stop him, and Slater slips free into his little sweep move for three. Goldust comes in to a huge pop and chant hilariously. Atomic drop from Goldust but a cheap shot allows Otunga to get in. Goldust hits his uppercut and gets tripped by Young from the outside.

Otunga delivers a huge slam to Goldust for another three. Henry comes in to perhaps one of the only big pops of his life. A military press drop from Henry and Otunga tags in Slater who runs into a fist. Henry throws Slater across the ring and Young is in, running into a clothesline and a foot. Maybe they should start running into big body parts. The Batista look alike, whatever his name is, comes in (Shefield I guess) comes in. Henry takes some shots but just stops a clothesline cold and power slams Shefield. Henry tosses Gabriel into the ring and throws him into the corner for a body slam. Shefield then comes from behind with a Clothesline from Hell for three. Bourne and Tyson are the only two left. Bourne and kid both kick Shefield in the face when he charges the corner.

Tyson leaps into a clothesline but Young tags in and finishes Tyson for three. Wade Barrett tags in. Wade misses a clothesline and takes a knee. Bourne starts kicking and punching every member of Nexus and Wade comes from behind to end it with his fireman carry throw for three. Maybe they should have tried naming some of these moves.
Winners: Nexus

Bourne is of course annihilated after the match. He’s used to that happening by now, I imagine. As if we haven’t had enough Nexus rammed down our throats, Wade grabs a microphone to talk about how much more solid their own team is than Cena’s. Oh crap, they are all gonna take turns talking, including Sheffield who fucks up the first word out of his over-roided lips. From the way he’s panting, those clothesline must have really put him out. When they are done, we see Miz rubbing his temple in the back when Sheamus comes over to complain. Sheamus says Miz can’t beat him and if he thinks he can win. Miz says he’ll take him on right after the match tonight then and just let Jericho and Cena beat his ass for him then cash in. Sheamus says if he keeps pushing, he’ll end up regretting it. Probably because his push will be killed dead for somebody bigger if it ever happens.

Random Commercial Thought: I read a book through the commercials, mostly campaign ads.

Back to the show for a match I don’t want to see.

Diva’s Champion Alicia Fox vs. A Bella (I don’t know which and don’t care, non-title)

Alicia just stomps the crap out of the Bella. She brought Jillian with her to this match and Jillian prevents the Bellas from switching out. The Bella tries to roll Alicia up for two and then eats a scissor kick, one of her better ones.
Winner: Alicia

After the match, Jillian tries to sing for her and gets a scissor kick too, but goddamn was it the worst one she’s ever does, practically just sitting on Jillian’s back in the air. Somebody should check to see if her back is broken.

Random Commercial Thought: Was that Spike from Cowboy Bebop in the 7-11 commercial?

Back o the show where R-Truth is singing his hit new single, Pile of Repetitive Lyrics….written by The Black Eyed Peas no doubt. He’s apparently here to watch Morrison and Dibiase.

John Morrison w/ R-Truth vs. Ted Dibiase w/ Maryse


Why is this match all about fucking Maryse according to everyone at the table? Ted stomps into Morrison in the corner and when he tries to roll away, Dibiase tackles him and delivers more rights for a two count. Dibiase picks up another quick two count and works a rest hold because right punches are apparently exhausting. Morrison rallies back and Dibiase eats a flash kick. Maryse distracts Morrison from Starship pain and Dibiase rolls him up with feet on the ropes. Truth pushes them off, but Morrison takes a drop toe hold from Dibiase, sending him into Truth for the three.
Winner: Dibiase

Morrison of course gets all pisses at Truth after the match and storms off. Cena watches with worry from a TV in the back as Truth intercepts Morrison on the stage and tries to explain further. Honestly, what the fuck is Morrison mad over? That he got tripped and fell through the fucking ropes into the guy who was at ringside? Yeah, totally R-Truth’s fault.

Random Commercial Thought: The Rock is in the same police department as Ferrell and Jackson?

That commercial break was either very long or we came back for such a short time that I didn’t even notice we ever did. It’s time for the main event and as everyone gets in the ring, they argue about who will even get to start.

Sheamus & The Miz vs. Chris Jericho & John Cena

Cena ends up starting with Miz when Miz goes for a cheap shot. Miz gets his shit wrecked and tags back to Sheamus who looks surprised Miz could possibly suck that hard. He hasn’t been watching much TV in his cave in Ireland I guess. Cena works over Sheamus too and tags out to Jericho who continues the assault. Jericho delivers a sliding dropkick to Sheamus and chokes him out in the corner. Sheamus powers back and Jericho blocks an Irish whip at the ropes, dumping Sheamus to the floor by pulling the ropes down. Miz starts trashing Sheamus on the outside about getting his ass kicked so hard as we go back to even more commercials. If there is a God in heaven, he must love advertising agencies.

Random Commercial Thought: Royal Pains. Now featuring the Fonz.

Back to the show where Sheamus is running over Cena in the ring with clotheslines. Miz tags in after Cena is choked out in the corner but Cena powers back on him with a fisherman suplex for two. Jericho tags in and beats Miz in the corner, delivering a knee to the face. Jericho taunts to a big pop. Back body drop by Miz is countered into a Walls attempt by Jericho. Sheamus tries to interfere but Jericho ducks and delivers a big dropkick. King hilarious tells Cole to continue sucking up to the anonymous GM that he was in the middle of felating. King has to spell out that the GM said a DX quote and they are in San Antonio tonight, but manages to not mention Michaels directly. Jericho eats a dropkick from Miz from behind and Sheamus tags in, working him over some more in an armbar. Jericho fights out but a back breaker crushes Jericho for two.

Miz tags back in and stomps on Jericho some more. Haven’t seen Jericho playing the part of face in peril in years, but you didn’t expect Cena to do it did you? HAHAHA! Jericho is choked out on the ropes and Miz picks up a two count. Jericho kicks Miz in the jaw and delivers a flying dropkick from the middle rope. Sheamus makes the tag first and blocks Jericho with a shot to the back and a camel clutch. Miz tags in and bombs a corner leap in the corner, racking himself. The tags are made and Sheamus takes Cena’s general offense and the five knuckle shuffle. Miz distracts the ref, and Jericho gives Cena the code breaker as Miz blind tags Sheamus and picks up the three.
Winners: Miz & Sheamus

After the match, everyone on the Cena team, minus Bret, get in the ring and argue. Edge gets dropped by Khali and Morrison tries to step in and gets brain chopped too. Cena is screaming at everyone as the show goes off the air. Your heroes ladies and gentlemen! Arguing like toddlers!

Highlight of the Night: Nothing of note. The Nexus guys looked okay, but really only showed off their finishers.

Lowlight of the Night: Alicia Fox wrestled.

WWE “Creative” Award: King? Was that the best they could do?
 

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).