WWE RAW RANT

by Cameron Burge

July 25, 2011

Todays recap is brought to you by the letter ‘P’ for EXCRUTIATING Pain. I just got back from the dentist and had a full, deep gumline cleaning which is far more awful than any of those words make it sound. So, I get to see the show through the eyes of someone a bit doped up on pain killers. Should be interesting.

Raw 07.25.11

It’s worth noting that Chris Jericho is in the opening video now. I don’t recall if he always was or not, but it seems different to me. Tonight’s show will decide the WWE champion. Spoilers: Cena wins.

Rey Mysterio vs. The Miz (WWE Title Match)

That’s right, the show opens with what seems obviously to be the main event. Must be all downhill from here, folks. There are chants for Miz and Rey here. Sometimes it’s “Miz is awesome” and sometimes it is “Miz is awful.” Also, I just found Waldo in the audience. I should win a prize. Miz starts off with some early aggression, but Mysterio takes control with some kicks and a head scissors. Miz charges into a corner kick and Mysterio leaps out of the corner to try and get a hurricanrana, but Miz catches it and sends him flying back over his head face first into the turnbuckle. Miz sets up in the opposite corner and delivers his hanging clothesline for a two count.

Miz starts laying in with some stomps and kicks. For the record, I did not hallucinate Waldo because of the painkillers, but he does now kind of look like he might have two heads. 619 chants as Rey fights out of a headlock and eats a knee to the stomach for two. King begins to talk about politics and will not shut up about how much more important this is than the US going into default. Clearly. Everything will be better in the world if only Rey Mysterio were WWE champion. Gas would even go down. Rey tries to rally back and is thrown to the floor before he eats a dropkick through the ropes from Miz. Miz tries to deliver a knee to the side of the head, but Mysterio dodges and sends Miz into the steps with a head scissor as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Oh God…I can feel my teeth. It’s like thousands of tiny spiders all biting me. AAAAAIIIIIEEEE!

Back to the show. Thanks, King. I wasn’t sure this wasn’t Obama’s speech until you reminded me. Miz gets his neck breaker combo on Mysterio for two as we return. He delivers some punches and decides that was definitely enough to finish it and gets two again. Clearly a headlock is what is needed to end it here. Rey breaks free and throws Miz shoulder-first into the ring post. Miz eats a springboard cross body from Mysterio for two before trying get the win with a sunset flip. Mysterio rolls through into a kick, but Miz ducks it and kicks him in the gut before hitting his DDT for two. A big boot similarly gets two. Miz is having a freak out over his inability to get a three count. Thanks King, we know this isn’t Obama’s speech. Miz comes back with a wheel barrow into a sunset flip, but it only gets two.

Miz lands a knee to the midsection and tries a power bomb, but Mysterio flips out and drop toe holds Miz into the ropes. Miz cuts the 619 short with a kick and bounces Rey off the ropes into an awesome power bomb for two. Miz makes the biggest mistake any wrestler can make and signals his finisher. Rey grabs the ropes to block and climbs up onto the top turnbuckle, but Miz manages to drop him into a tree of woe. Miz tries to Kevin Sullivan that shit, but Mysterio misses, causing Miz to hurt his previously injured knee. Mysterio leaps off with a head scissor and the 619 into the splash for the three.

Winner: Mysterio

The crowd pops huge for this. Why does Mysterio even bother with the chin strap? He always unsnaps it halfway through the match. Miz attacks from behind and then hobbles out as Del Rio’s music plays. Del Rio makes a point to cash in his briefcase, but before the ref can ring the bell, Mysterio hits him with a cross body on the outside and Del Rio turns tail and flees in order to repeat Miz’s storyline from last year. Triple H promises to give a State of the WWE Address tonight because that will surely save the economy as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Pills. Need….more…

We get a replay of Rey’s win before seeing a big backstage celebration of the faces…is that Titus O’ Neal? Ryder starts a champagn party and Rey stares down John Cena who congratulates him. Rey managed to get booed when he makes a rock and roll all night joke and then mentions his kids…I thought Eddie was Dominic’s father. WWE lied to me. We then see….well, a shot that looks like a gay porn with Rey open-mouthed and screaming as liquid splashes over him from all angles. I’ll let you picture that. We get a replay of Vince’s final moments from last week with all the cheering and “Na Na Hey Hey Goodbye” singing from the crowd removed. The only crowd noise left in fully is “Thank you, Vince.” People should edit all political speech like this too.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m having Nam flashbacks.

Oh wait, it was just a replay from Capitol Punishment. It’s Dolph botching his finisher on Kofi for the win.

US Champion Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie Guerrero vs. Evan Bourne (Non-Title Match)

Seriously, what the fuck is Waldo doing back there? It wasn’t nearly as hard to find him here as in that shitty NES game. Evan Bourne should be voted the most inexplicably absent from last week’s tournament. Ziggler works a short headlock and delivers a clothesline before they start flipping over each other and Bourne lands a sharp dropkick to send Dolph to the floor. Evan gives chase and takes the fight back to the ring with a sharp kick. Dolph ducks an enziguiri and drops Bourne with the fameasser for two. Bourne gets stomped on like a white kid in Compton and Ziggler picks up another two count before working another headlock while King talks about how awesome Bourne is…despite getting his ass kicked.

Dolph goes for a suplex, but Bourne escapes while we have big “Vickie sucks” chants. Bourne dodges a leaping splash in the corner and delivers some kicks and dropkicks. Yes, he indeed is not Obama, King. Bourne delivers a hurricanrana to Dolph when he tries to go up top and climbs up for Air Bourne when it only gets two. Dolph dodges and counters with the Zig Zag, finishing things with the sleeper.

Winner: Dolph

I have to ask why the ref didn’t raise his hand three times and just suddenly decided the match was over, but whatever. Maybe this is MMA rules now? Dolph challenges anybody to follow that. Gosh, I don’t know how anyone could follow the excitement of a sleeper hold. It beat Hulk Hogan once. We see a promo for Del Rio and Kofi as we go to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Those shots of Kofi Kingston made rainbow streaks in front of my eyes.

We come back to the Bellas arguing with Eve…when Keith Stone shows up with some Keystone Light. It’s stupid and pointless and also has Keith stone making a permanent marker tattoo on one in about five seconds. And now…Eve Torres and Kelly Kelly vs. Maryse and Melina. Bring back Keith Stone.

Diva’s Champion Kelly Kelly & Eve Torres vs. Melina and Maryse

Yes, Cole. I KNOW Triple H is not Obama. Thanks. Eve drops Maryse with a reverse Russian Leg Sweep then does a pop and lock booty drop into a moonsault for two. Melina has to be run off from making a cheap shot which allows a kick from Maryse from behind for two. Melina tags in amazingly to actually wrestle on TV after Maryse does Kelly’s stink face to Eve. Eve fights back after her one move with a big step kick and makes the tag. Kelly mounts for some punches and her butt slap of doom before she botches a neck breaker. She spanks Maryse and imitates her taunt. Melina and Kelly either botch a bulldog or just do a really shitty one for two when Maryse breaks it up. Eve tackles her to the floor and Melina kicks Kelly to the ropes. I think Melina just yelled “I love being evil” as she tries to leap with her knees onto Kelly’s back from a running start. She misses entirely and eats Kelly’s Fameasser (I just prefer calling it that) for the three.

Winners: Face Divas

Turn on her. Come on Eve, turn on her. What the fuck are you waiting for? Christ….We see Truth talking to Triple H in the back and he keeps motioning to nothing beside him.

Random Commercial Thought: Okay, clearly these drugs are fucking with me. I could have sworn they just said Cee Lo Green is going to perform at Summerslam…oh.

Triple H comes out to his theme music, because all corporate executives have Motorhead play everywhere they go. He gives a little speech about how awesome Vince McMahon was to us and not at all a greedy douche bag who ruined lots of men’s lives. He starts up a “Thank you, Vince” chant. He then goes on to tell us he has signed a new talent as the announcers have been saying he promised a big return. I could only hope for Chris Jericho, while it is obvious they want you to think it is CM Punk. Trips makes a WWE title match for the main event between Rey and Cena so Cena can have his rematch.

Oh, and the return? It was JR. Jim Ross marches out much to the chagrin of Michael Cole. Cole decides it is “epic shoot time guyz!” And talks about how old and shitty JR is. He goes on for a bit while I don’t care. Trips says he decided not to fire him because Cole has a huge severance package, but he’s free to quit and breach his contract instead. Either way, he is off the microphone tonight so that he can have a match in some gear that Trips picked out for him (hoping for monkey suit). On his way out, Truth comes in to talk about the conspiracy against him…yeah, he is talking to invisible midgets next to him.

Triple H listens to his crazy speech and in a segment that is almost impossible to recap produces some of his own invisible men to talk to as well. It was funny, but you’re going to have to look that one up. Points for Truth’s crazy eyes. Trips eventually says he signed someone else and it’s John Morrison (um…pretty sure he was only injured unless they pulled a WCW/British Bulldog and fired him in the hospital). Morrison chases him around the ring and beats Truth down before hitting starship pain and sending us to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m pretty sure I was starting to see actual people standing there.

We return to Triple H’s King of King’s theme…and the drugs must be fucking with me again because he has shrunk…oh, it’s Michael Cole. In Triple H’s ring gear. Also he does the spitting thing in the most unflattering way possible. His opponent is Zack Ryder who gets a pretty good pop.

Zack Ryder vs. Michael Cole

Ryder socks him one and sends Cole into the turnbuckle before getting the crowd behind him with some Woo Woo Woos. He then finishes it off mercifully short with the Rough Ryder for the three.

Winner: Ryder

Remember folks. Take care. Spike your hair.

Random Commercial Thought: If a five hour energy would ever actually last that long, I’d be a bit happier with the product.

Back to the show for a replay of Kofi’s win from last week. Ricardo is out to announce Del Rio and King and JR help us out in Cole’s absence by saying Ricardo provided them with a not to explain the model of the car. Where do they get all of those things, anyway?

Alberto Del Rio w/ Ricardo Rodriguez vs. Kofi Kingston

Alberto starts off strong and beats on Kofi, dropping him with a dropkick to the back of the head which gets a zero count on the cover. Kofi wraps around in a botched manuever for a pinning predicament that gets two. Kofi sends Del Rio to the floor and taunts a suicide dive that sends Alberto running to the hills.

Random Commercial Thought: I may have hallucinated the last commercial. It was probably better than real ones.

Back to the show where Kofi took a kick to the arm when on the top rope and is now selling it hard. Del Rio works the arm with some strikes and beats Kofi into the floor in the corner. Kofi dodges a corner charge, sending Alberto’s shoulder into the ring post. Kofi springboards back into the ring with a cross body for two. Kofi is still selling the arm while he goes into his offense and hit’s the boom drop. Kofi signals Trouble in Paradise, but Del Rio ducks and counters with an arm breaker for two. JR calls it an arm bar take down for some reason, but whatever. Kofi hits his flip kick in the corner and goes up top for a roll through on Del Rio. Del Rio counters it into his own pin, but Kofi rolls it through into a pin anyway. Del Rio grabs the rope at two to prevent a replay of last week. Kofi gets his arm hung over the top rope and the cross arm bar ends it.

Winner: Del Rio

Del Rio’s neck veins are in perfect popping depths today as he celebrates. JR says getting the title at the start of the show and having to defend it at the end is unprecedented, except for, you know, when it happened to Dolph last year.

Random Commercial Thought: I wish I could eat a calzone right now.

Back to the show where in the back, Miz is getting dressed in a suit and interviewed about his loss. He bitches about how Cena got us into this mess with “he who shall not be named.” Chris Benoit won the title? He manages to name drop the talk show he will be on this week before we go to ringside for the main event as Rey enters.

Random Commercial Thought: Weren’t we just here? Trips must have really taken up a large amount of the air time.

Back to the show where we learn there will be a Diva battle royal next week to determine the number one contender that will definitely be worth missing.

WWE Champion Rey Mysterio vs. John Cena (WWE Title Match)

Cena gets his Twilight pop and starts us off by dancing around with Mysterio. He looks like a creeper with a little kid he’s trying to grab. Rey keeps darting away with kicks to the knee, working over Cena’s leg. Cena eventually manages to take him down and works a wrist lock, but Rey leaps onto his shoulder for a roll through that gets two. Rey decides to work some side headlocks that look a bit hilarious. I see Cena is going bald back there. Cena finally delivers a back suplex on Rey for a two count. Rey comes back with some kicks to the leg again and rebounds off the ropes out of a side headlock into a bulldog for two. JR calls his cover a “horizontal cover corner to corner.” Which just baffles me. Dueling Cena chants begin as Cena slings himself into the corner when Rey dodges.

Rey jumps from the mid-turnbuckle into a senton on Cena on the outside. King says you can only win this match by pinfall or submission despite the fact that the ref is counting anyway. Cena blocks being sent into the ring steps and bulldozes Rey with a clothesline. Back in the ring, Cena picks up two and works a…waist lock? Aw, it’s a hug. Worst, hug, ever. Rey fights to his feet and leaps up into a DDT for two. Back on their feet, Cena ducks and enziguiri to try and get the STFU, but Rey is in the ropes and knocks Cena down for a spring board body splash that gets two.

Cena climbs up into 619, position, but he catches Rey out of it and hoists him up for the side buster slam for another two. Nice spot. Cena tries to go into his general offense, but Rey counters the second shoulder block with a front dropkick to the test. Rey is up and he delivers a kick to the head for another two. Rey tries a lionsault, but Cena dodges. Rey lands on his feet as Cena tries to go to thee Protobomb. Rey escapes it with an arm drag and goes for his wheelbarrow bulldog, but Cena counters this into the protobomb and hit’s the five knuckle shuffle. Cena goes for an FU, but Rey escapes and goes for a cross body. Cena catches this, but the FU is escaped again with a head scissor and dropkick for two.

Cena charges Rey in the corner only to eat a drop toe hold and be sent face first to the corner. Rey climbs up top for a top rope senton that gets two. Cena rolls out into the STFU, but Rey rolls through it surprisingly into his own STF. Cena fights to his feet…er…foot with Rey still in the hold. Cena hoists Rey into an FU, but his hurt leg gives out when he gets Rey to his shoulders. Cena gets into 619 position and eats it this time. Rey drags himself up to the top for the splash, but Cena gets the knees up, hurting himself in the process. They crawl to their feet and Rey starts sending shoulder blocks to the midsection. Rey goes for the top rope hurricanrana, but Cena power bombs him out. The spot looks pretty botched as Rey lands awkward as hell. Cena lands his guillotine leg drop from the top, with Rey in the reverse position as usual, but it still only gets two.

Cena hobbles around in his leg and looks to finish it up with the FU. Rey wriggles free again and dropkicks Cena to the middle rope again. Rey goes for the 619, but Cena is back to his feet and catches him in mid run with the FU for the three.

Winner: Cena

Yeah…even though I knew that was gonna happen, I really would have rather it didn’t. Everything old is new again. Cena helps Rey up for a handshake who proceeds to immediately collapse again before we hear Cult of Personality playing. Ring of Honor aficionados (losers, amirite?!) know what that means. CM Punk makes his way out to the ring entrance. Funny. The “rogue” champion has managed to get himself expensive to license music, a new ring entrance video, new ring logos and lighting, and his name magically engraved on the belt. He makes his way to the ring as he and Cena take turns holding their belts up to crowd reactions and staring down. Cena leaves in a huff after the crowd reactions.

Highlight of the Night: Punk and Cena stare down with their belts, hopefully hyping a Summerslam rematch.

Lowlight of the Night: Divaaaaa Maaaaatch.

WWE “Creative” Award: Morrison is a “re-signed” superstar? Really? REALLY? Really?

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.