and all to the greatest show on earth. And no, I
don’t mean Scrubs. I only say this because today’s
product makes me think of a motherfucking circus.
Tonight’s show is going to be….special. ZZ Top is
our guest hosts and I’m taking all bets on how long
we can go before making a Sharp Dressed Man joke. Go
ahead. I dare you to make one.
It took thirty
seconds. Thirty fucking seconds. Thanks a lot King.
I’m kind of hoping ZZ Top will put themselves in a
match for the tag team titles, but a man can dream.
Cena is out first guy out for the night as we didn’t
get a proper opening this evening. We see he and
Trips will be teaming against Legacy later on
tonight. Cena talks about how we arte all excited,
telling us even the people at home are excited
because ZZ Top is hosting. You fucking liar. Cena
tells us this is the same match on Sunday that we
had at Wrestlemania once. Orton decides to come shit
on the parade by noting how he won last time and
history will repeat itself. I believe him because
that seems to be a common occurrence in WWE. History
repeating itself. Cena challenges for a fight and
Orton retreats until Legacy can completely surround
the ring. Cena decides to prepare for the fight
anyway because that’s just what good guys do. Triple
H interrupts things and get Orton from behind. Not
in the prison sense. Orton stalks off with a pouty
look and Legacy retreat as well, since apparently
having a number advantage doesn’t mean shit when you
tend to lose the 3-to-1 on these guys on a regular
basis. Triple H and Cena discuss how small Seth
Green is. Cena suggests he is like a hobbit and
Trips doesn’t know what that is. They begin to
discuss it. Cena assures him he’s a hobbit. I’m not
sure what this had to do with anything but Seth
Green is tiny.
seems to be Orton lost to a hobbit. ZZ Top needs to
get the fuck out here before I get annoyed. Orton
demands to be added to the main event. Cena and
Trips make a not that there is no way they can get
along if Orton is in the match. The sarcasm is
dripping off. Cena gets so over the top that even
Triple H seems to have a look that says “God damn
this man is chewing up the scenery”. ZZ Top is
seen in the back now in an obviously pre-recorded
segment talking about how awesome this is. Why they
brought their full band gear and set it up is beyond
me. Santino comes back to say they are his favorite
band. I’m surprised they know who he is. They do
Santino up to look like a member of the band with a
suit, hat and bard. He’s missing the shades. Oh
wait, got that covered. Oh god they’re singing….I
think? Santino pretends to rock out as we go to
commercial….I want to cry.
Commercial Thought: Sorry didn’t have time to watch
them, something very important came up.
Back to the
show where Kofi Kingston and friends are up against
the heel squad.
US Champion Kofi Kingston, Primo Colon & MVP vs.
Jack Swagger, Carlito, & Big Show
off with Kingston and wrestles him around in a waist
lock. Kofi flips out of it into a pin for two. MVP
makes the tag and a double slam sets up for Ballin’.
Swagger rolls to the floor afterward when tugged out
by Carlito as we go to commercial.
Commercial Thought: Ben Stein looks to be aging at
the rate of open jars of jelly.
been getting his ass handed to him during the break.
Big show is tossing him around like a toy before he
decides to tag out to Carlito because you should
totally give him a chance to come back. Kingston
tries to rally, but eats dropkick for two and
Swagger makes the tag in. Swagger delivers a leg
drop and decides that just wore him the fuck out and
tags out to Carlito. Carlito levels Kingston and
taunts Primo but Kofi nails a kick and makes the
tag. Primo annihilates Carlito in the corner,
delivers his little fancing offense. He sends
Swagger and Big Show off the apron before
dropkicking Carlito and delivering a second rope leg
drop. Swagger breaks up the pin only to be send to
the floor by MVP who delivers a suicide dive.
Carlito is up and goes for the Apple Jack but Primo
ducks a spear by Big Show. Kofi head scissors Big
Show over the top rope and a flying head butt from
the top rope, shades of some guy who MURDERED HIS
WIFE AND FAMILY,
gets the three for Primo.
Big Show choke
slams Swagger and Primo and knocks out Kingston with
a punch after the match. I’m gonna be honest right
now. Lots of bullshit is going down in my IRL right
now all of a sudden and I don’t really have time to
be doing this recap now so things are possibly going
to be sketchy for the rest of this recap while I try
to balance the two. Because of this no more
commercial thoughts since I need to spend them
working. Suffice to say Jericho approached ZZ Top
and got himself shoved in a match with Mark Henry
again. Good for him.
to ringside and yells about once being tag team
champion for over a year, getting in Lawler’s face
about it. Lawler decides to be his opponent tonight.
Brian Kendrick vs. Jerry Lawler
Kendrick and then proceeds to get his ass kicked for
a bit, being choked down. Lawler is as immobile as
ancient oak trees. He fights out and delivers a
sloppy dropkick before getting kicked in the face.
Kendrick levels King with his own dropkick. Kendrick
fuck up the sliced bread and Lawler delivers the
falling punch for three. Sure, makes perfect sense,
meets with Mickie James in front of the crowd as
they chant stupid shit about how hot she is or
something, as if you couldn’t tell by her massive
cleavage. She talks about how Maryse will get raped
(lolrape) this Sunday. The Miz comes out (of the
closet?) to tell her that she’ll be working at a
Waffle House while Maryse is still on top before
long. Mickie challenges his manhood and says he
can’t score and Maryse arrives wearing the least
amount of clothing as possible. Why is this
happening on he entrance ramp. Maryse sprays her in
the face with pepper spray or hair spray or
something. She then proceeds to do her best Paris
Hilton impression. Oh god Mark Henry is in the back.
After a replay
of Jericho and Henry from last week, we get the
rematch underway (I’m dying with excitement).
Chris Jericho vs. Mark Henry
like a little girl (holding up his petticoat and
everything) to get away from Henry. He finally gets
back in the ring and just gets hoisted up and
dropped for his efforts. Henry proceeds to stand on
Jericho. I love the big man moveset. All it includes
is basic wrestling holds and standing on people.
Henry gets tripped on a rope by Jericho who proceeds
to delivers some running kicks to the head and
dropkicks. Jericho delivers a running dropkick and
some kicks to the legs and finally drops Henry again
for two. Henry throws him off and Jericho goes for a
sleeper hold that looks more like some gay kind of
hug. Jericho is squished back into the corner but he
dodges a corner splash with a kick o the knee. Henry
comes back with a big clothesline. Hip toss from
Henry, but a clothesline is ducked. Jericho gets
caught in a giant swing. Holy shit 1940 is that you?
a big bulldog and tries to go for the Walls. This
seems to be the dumbest fucking idea ever and
Jericho gets kicked all the way to the floor. Henry
follows after where he meets Jericho with a steel
chair to the gut and back.
the chair again but it’s caught and Jericho, chair
and all, is thrown over the announce desk. Jericho
is tossed back into the ring but he tries for the
code breaker. Henry catches him and delivers the
World’s Strongest Slam instead. Sucks to be him. The
crowd is actually popping for this amusingly enough.
Another pointless ZZ Top and Santino segment.
Chavo is there saying he’s disgusted with how he’s
been treated and Guererros should get dignity and
respect. Like tag teaming with a fucking horse on a
stick. They give him a rematch with Horny in a
tuxedo match, instead calling it a Sharp Dressed Man
introduces said failure of a match, she decides it’s
way too fucking stupid for words and fails to
explain the rules properly at all. The rules are
basically a male version of the match where you
strips clothes off the opponent. Oh and somebody
sewed Chavo’s pants legs together. Oh haha, that
card. Shoot me. Rather than actually recap this,
here’s a picture of a bunny.
say, Chavo almost loses before beating up Horny
some. Just what I always wanted to see, a grown man
stripping the clothes off of a midget. WWE really
has it’s thumb on the lifeblood of America I say.
Chavo eventually gets the better of him and takes
his pants off though. Chavo wears chili pepper
boxers. Eddie’s spirit lives on. Trips and Cena have
a heartfelt conversation. I think it involved the
typical “Every man or himself, come Sunday” crap.
You know the drill, the audience is encouraged to
write their own dialogue for this sequence in the
hopes of making it more interesting.
At some point,
ZZ Top does a series of dancing sessions with the
divas in skimpy clothing while they “play”. Um,
weird. Also, Santino rips off his pants and tries to
dance. ZZ Top run in fear. I like how the music
starts playing again without them after they leave.
Psychic musicians? And now, we do one of those
in-ring recaps of the PPV cards. Jericho tells off
Legacy in the back that they can suck a dick for
thinking they are anywhere near as good as him. I
have to agree on that. In case you felt we needed
WORSE actors, next week’s host is the star of such
blockbusters as Steel and Kazam!, it’s Shaq. Yeah,
don’t worry nobody in the crowd cared either. And
now a “ZZ Top Legs Match”. Wut?
Kelly and Gail
Kim are taking on Alicia Fox and Rosa Mendez.
Apparently this is just a regular fight though but
they are wearing outfits to show off their legs and
plan to do as many moves that show them off as
Rosa Mendez & Alicia Fox vs. Gail Kim & Kelly Kelly
to slip in as many lyrics as he can while Kelly
chokes out Rosa and handstands into a double foot
choke. Alicia tags in and gets pinned for two by a
hurricanrana. Gail Kim tags in and hit’s a head
scissors. Gail kicks Rosa off of her as she goes up
top but Alicia catches her in mid-air and picks up a
two count. Back in the corner the heels hump Gail
Kim awkwardly before Rosa tags in. Rosa suplexes for
a two count and gets all whiney and bitchy. Alicia
is back in now. I like how they greased up the girls
for this one like we wouldn’t notice. Alicia
eats a turnbuckle and Gail makes the tag. Kelly does
her screaming head scissors before delivering a
somersault elbow that she botches bad. Kelly stands
up off the back of Alicia into a leg drop to the
back of the neck for two. Rosa breaks it up and
Kelly skins the cat when she is dumped over the
ropes. Gail suicide dives on Rosa on the outside and
Kelly gets caught in a small package. The ref
ignores the fact Kelly’s kicking legs are on the
ropes obviously, but apparently that wasn’t in the
script at all.
Winners: Rosa & Alicia
commercials, ZZ Top actually graces everyone with a
live appearance in their goofy ZZ-mobile. After
standing around pointlessly, Orton and crew arrive
for their match. Wow I’m glad having ZZ Top was such
a great idea. I wouldn’t have missed out on it
for…who am I kidding this was fucking stupid and ZZ
Top should be ashamed of themselves.
John Cena & Triple H vs. Legacy
off with Rhodes and just beats his ass. Why is it
Rhodes is always the whipping boy of the trio every
time we do this match? I kind of get tired of just
seeing that guy get his ass kicked. Trips makes a
quick tag and annihilates Rhodes some more with a
suplex. Trips sends Dibiase to the floor when he
tries to run in and Cena clotheslines Orton when he
tries to run in. All of legacy get sent to the floor
and the faces look badass in their little dramatic
action poses on their way to commercial.
When we come
back, we find the heels have cone again gained the
advantage and they double team Trips. Dibiase
distracts the ref after Trips is sent to the floor,
allowing Orton to slam Trips into the steel steps.
Orton makes the tag and pummels Trips into the
corner. Rhodes tags back in, and really it becomes a
revolving door of guys stomping and punching Trips
in the corner. I think the ref has really quit
caring about the counting of people beating on Trips
in the corner as this ass kicking goes on forever.
Dibiase has to be pulled off and Orton chokes Trips
out behind his back. Dibiase delivers a kick to the
back of the head and picks up two. Trips is then
happily dragged back to the heel corner. The beat
down continues as we apparently had plenty of time
to waste tonight on this pretty standard kicking and
punching. DO SOME FUCKING WRESTLING MOVES. Oh look,
a head lock by Rhodes. Fan-fucking-tastic.
fights his way free but keeps getting pummeled down.
I have a timer running here and this headlock has
now lasted a full three minutes with Trips looking
to escape three times only to be beat down. Trips
tries once more but still is prevented from making
the tag. Cody stops him with a DDT out of the
headlock and Orton makes the tag. Orton delivers a
kick and just taunts while giving a couple of kicks.
He sets up for the RKO in the dumbest way possible
but Trips shoves him off. Trips runs into an elbow
but delivers a spine buster on Orton. The ref
finally decides he ought to do a standing ten count
after one could have already been completed by now.
Cena makes the
tag and annihilates Rhodes as per usual. He knocks
Dibiase off the apron and goes for Five Knuckle
Shuffle. Rhodes escapes the FU but Dibiase is cut
off by a shot from Cena. Cena trips Rhodes into the
STF but Dibiase saves the day. Trips is back in to
take Dibiase to he floor and against the security
wall. Back in the ring. Orton makes the blind tag
and goes for a punt but Cena dodges and rolls him up
Winners: Cena & Trips
Legacy looks all bitchy and mad that they lost. Aw,
poor them. Thanks for bearing with me tonight folks,
it hasn’t been a good night. I’ll be bck to my
usual, more mildly pissed off self next time. See
you all then.