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RAW RANT:
(07/20/09)
By Cameron Burge

Welcome one and all to the greatest show on earth. And no, I don’t mean Scrubs. I only say this because today’s product makes me think of a motherfucking circus. Tonight’s show is going to be….special. ZZ Top is our guest hosts and I’m taking all bets on how long we can go before making a Sharp Dressed Man joke. Go ahead. I dare you to make one.
 
Raw 07.20.09
 
It took thirty seconds. Thirty fucking seconds. Thanks a lot King. I’m kind of hoping ZZ Top will put themselves in a match for the tag team titles, but a man can dream. Cena is out first guy out for the night as we didn’t get a proper opening this evening. We see he and Trips will be teaming against Legacy later on tonight. Cena talks about how we arte all excited, telling us even the people at home are excited because ZZ Top is hosting. You fucking liar. Cena tells us this is the same match on Sunday that we had at Wrestlemania once. Orton decides to come shit on the parade by noting how he won last time and history will repeat itself. I believe him because that seems to be a common occurrence in WWE. History repeating itself. Cena challenges for a fight and Orton retreats until Legacy can completely surround the ring. Cena decides to prepare for the fight anyway because that’s just what good guys do. Triple H interrupts things and get Orton from behind. Not in the prison sense. Orton stalks off with a pouty look and Legacy retreat as well, since apparently having a number advantage doesn’t mean shit when you tend to lose the 3-to-1 on these guys on a regular basis. Triple H and Cena discuss how small Seth Green is. Cena suggests he is like a hobbit and Trips doesn’t know what that is. They begin to discuss it. Cena assures him he’s a hobbit. I’m not sure what this had to do with anything but Seth Green is tiny.
 
The point seems to be Orton lost to a hobbit. ZZ Top needs to get the fuck out here before I get annoyed. Orton demands to be added to the main event. Cena and Trips make a not that there is no way they can get along if Orton is in the match. The sarcasm is dripping off. Cena gets so over the top that even Triple H seems to have a look that says “God damn this man is chewing up the scenery”.  ZZ Top is seen in the back now in an obviously pre-recorded segment talking about how awesome this is. Why they brought their full band gear and set it up is beyond me. Santino comes back to say they are his favorite band. I’m surprised they know who he is. They do Santino up to look like a member of the band with a suit, hat and bard. He’s missing the shades. Oh wait, got that covered. Oh god they’re singing….I think? Santino pretends to rock out as we go to commercial….I want to cry.
 
Random Commercial Thought: Sorry didn’t have time to watch them, something very important came up.
 
Back to the show where Kofi Kingston and friends are up against the heel squad.
 
US Champion Kofi Kingston, Primo Colon & MVP vs. Jack Swagger, Carlito, & Big Show
 
Swagger starts off with Kingston and wrestles him around in a waist lock. Kofi flips out of it into a pin for two. MVP makes the tag and a double slam sets up for Ballin’. Swagger rolls to the floor afterward when tugged out by Carlito as we go to commercial.
 
Random Commercial Thought: Ben Stein looks to be aging at the rate of open jars of jelly.
 
Kingston has been getting his ass handed to him during the break. Big show is tossing him around like a toy before he decides to tag out to Carlito because you should totally give him a chance to come back. Kingston tries to rally, but eats  dropkick for two and Swagger makes the tag in. Swagger delivers a leg drop and decides that just wore him the fuck out and tags out to Carlito. Carlito levels Kingston and taunts Primo but Kofi nails a kick and makes the tag. Primo annihilates Carlito in the corner, delivers his little fancing offense. He sends Swagger and Big Show off the apron before dropkicking Carlito and delivering a second rope leg drop. Swagger breaks up the pin only to be send to the floor by MVP who delivers a suicide dive. Carlito is up and goes for the Apple Jack but Primo ducks a spear by Big Show. Kofi head scissors Big Show over the top rope and a flying head butt from the top rope, shades of some guy who MURDERED HIS WIFE AND FAMILY,
 gets the three for Primo.
Winners: Faces
 
Big Show choke slams Swagger and Primo and knocks out Kingston with a punch after the match. I’m gonna be honest right now. Lots of bullshit is going down in my IRL right now all of a sudden and I don’t really have time to be doing this recap now so things are possibly going to be sketchy for the rest of this recap while I try to balance the two. Because of this no more commercial thoughts since I need to spend them working. Suffice to say Jericho approached ZZ Top and got himself shoved in a match with Mark Henry again. Good for him.
 
Kendrick comes to ringside and yells about once being tag team champion for over a year, getting in Lawler’s face about it. Lawler decides to be his opponent tonight.
 
Brian Kendrick vs. Jerry Lawler
 
Lawler decks Kendrick and then proceeds to get his ass kicked for a bit, being choked down. Lawler is as immobile as ancient oak trees. He fights out and delivers a sloppy dropkick before getting kicked in the face. Kendrick levels King with his own dropkick. Kendrick fuck up the sliced bread and Lawler delivers the falling punch for three. Sure, makes perfect sense, whatever.
Winner: Lawler
 
Josh Matthews meets with Mickie James in front of the crowd as they chant stupid shit about how hot she is or something, as if you couldn’t tell by her massive cleavage. She talks about how Maryse will get raped (lolrape) this Sunday. The Miz comes out (of the closet?) to tell her that she’ll be working at a Waffle House while Maryse is still on top before long. Mickie challenges his manhood and says he can’t score and Maryse arrives wearing the least amount of clothing as possible. Why is this happening on he entrance ramp. Maryse sprays her in the face with pepper spray or hair spray or something. She then proceeds to do her best Paris Hilton impression. Oh god Mark Henry is in the back. And he’s….wet….ew.
 
After a replay of Jericho and Henry from last week, we get the rematch underway (I’m dying with excitement).
 
Chris Jericho vs. Mark Henry
 
Jericho runs like a little girl (holding up his petticoat and everything) to get away from Henry. He finally gets back in the ring and just gets hoisted up and dropped for his efforts. Henry proceeds to stand on Jericho. I love the big man moveset. All it includes is basic wrestling holds and standing on people. Henry gets tripped on a rope by Jericho who proceeds to delivers some running kicks to the head and dropkicks. Jericho delivers a running dropkick and some kicks to the legs and finally drops Henry again for two. Henry throws him off and Jericho goes for a sleeper hold that looks more like some gay kind of hug. Jericho is squished back into the corner but he dodges a corner splash with a kick o the knee. Henry comes back with a big clothesline. Hip toss from Henry, but a clothesline is ducked. Jericho gets caught in a giant swing. Holy shit 1940 is that you?
 
Jericho nails a big bulldog and tries to go for the Walls. This seems to be the dumbest fucking idea ever and Jericho gets kicked all the way to the floor. Henry follows after where he meets Jericho with a steel chair to the gut and back.
Winner: Henry
 
Jericho tries the chair again but it’s caught and Jericho, chair and all, is thrown over the announce desk. Jericho is tossed back into the ring but he tries for the code breaker. Henry catches him and delivers the World’s Strongest Slam instead. Sucks to be him. The crowd is actually popping for this amusingly enough. Another  pointless ZZ Top and Santino segment. Chavo is there saying he’s disgusted with how he’s been treated and Guererros should get dignity and respect. Like tag teaming with a fucking horse on a stick. They give him a rematch with Horny in a tuxedo match, instead calling it a Sharp Dressed Man match.
 
When Lillian introduces said failure of a match, she decides it’s way too fucking stupid for words and fails to explain the rules properly at all. The rules are basically a male version of the match where you strips clothes off the opponent. Oh and somebody sewed Chavo’s pants legs together. Oh haha, that card. Shoot me. Rather than actually recap this, here’s a picture of a bunny.

 
Suffice to say, Chavo almost loses before beating up Horny some. Just what I always wanted to see, a grown man stripping the clothes off of a midget. WWE really has it’s thumb on the lifeblood of America I say. Chavo eventually gets the better of him and takes his pants off though. Chavo wears chili pepper boxers. Eddie’s spirit lives on. Trips and Cena have a heartfelt conversation. I think it involved the typical “Every man or himself, come Sunday” crap. You know the drill, the audience is encouraged to write their own dialogue for this sequence in the hopes of making it more interesting.
 
At some point, ZZ Top does a series of dancing sessions with the divas in skimpy clothing while they “play”. Um, weird. Also, Santino rips off his pants and tries to dance. ZZ Top run in fear. I like how the music starts playing again without them after they leave. Psychic musicians? And now, we do one of those in-ring recaps of the PPV cards. Jericho tells off Legacy in the back that they can suck a dick for thinking they are anywhere near as good as him. I have to agree on that. In case you felt we needed WORSE actors, next week’s host is the star of such blockbusters as Steel and Kazam!, it’s Shaq. Yeah, don’t worry nobody in the crowd cared either. And now a “ZZ Top Legs Match”. Wut?
 
Kelly and Gail Kim are taking on Alicia Fox and Rosa Mendez. Apparently this is just a regular fight though but they are wearing outfits to show off their legs and plan to do as many moves that show them off as possible.
 
Rosa Mendez & Alicia Fox vs. Gail Kim & Kelly Kelly
 
Larry manages to slip in as many lyrics as he can while Kelly chokes out Rosa and handstands into a double foot choke. Alicia tags in and gets pinned for two by a hurricanrana. Gail Kim tags in and hit’s a head scissors. Gail kicks Rosa off of her as she goes up top but Alicia catches her in mid-air and picks up a two count. Back in the corner the heels hump Gail Kim awkwardly before Rosa tags in. Rosa suplexes for a two count and gets all whiney and bitchy. Alicia is back in now. I like how they greased up the girls for this one like we wouldn’t notice.  Alicia eats a turnbuckle and Gail makes the tag. Kelly does her screaming head scissors before delivering a somersault elbow that she botches bad. Kelly stands up off the back of Alicia into a leg drop to the back of the neck for two. Rosa breaks it up and Kelly skins the cat when she is dumped over the ropes. Gail suicide dives on Rosa on the outside and Kelly gets caught in a small package. The ref ignores the fact Kelly’s kicking legs are on the ropes obviously, but apparently that wasn’t in the script at all.
Winners: Rosa & Alicia
 
After some commercials, ZZ Top actually graces everyone with a live appearance in their goofy ZZ-mobile. After standing around pointlessly, Orton and crew arrive for their match. Wow I’m glad having ZZ Top was such a great idea. I wouldn’t have missed out on it for…who am I kidding this was fucking stupid and ZZ Top should be ashamed of themselves.
 
John Cena & Triple H vs. Legacy
 
Cena starts off with Rhodes and just beats his ass. Why is it Rhodes is always the whipping boy of the trio every time we do this match? I kind of get tired of just seeing that guy get his ass kicked. Trips makes a quick tag and annihilates Rhodes some more with a suplex. Trips sends Dibiase to the floor when he tries to run in and Cena clotheslines Orton when he tries to run in. All of legacy get sent to the floor and the faces look badass in their little dramatic action poses on their way to commercial.
 
When we come back, we find the heels have cone again gained the advantage and they double team Trips. Dibiase distracts the ref after Trips is sent to the floor, allowing Orton to slam Trips into the steel steps. Orton makes the tag and pummels Trips into the corner. Rhodes tags back in, and really it becomes a revolving door of guys stomping and punching Trips in the corner. I think the ref has really quit caring about the counting of people beating on Trips in the corner as this ass kicking goes on forever. Dibiase has to be pulled off and Orton chokes Trips out behind his back. Dibiase delivers a kick to the back of the head and picks up two. Trips is then happily dragged back to the heel corner. The beat down continues as we apparently had plenty of time to waste tonight on this pretty standard kicking and punching. DO SOME FUCKING WRESTLING MOVES. Oh look, a head lock by Rhodes. Fan-fucking-tastic.
 
Triple H fights his way free but keeps getting pummeled down. I have a timer running here and this headlock has now lasted a full three minutes with Trips looking to escape three times only to be beat down. Trips tries once more but still is prevented from making the tag. Cody stops him with a DDT out of the headlock and Orton makes the tag. Orton delivers a kick and just taunts while giving a couple of kicks. He sets up for the RKO in the dumbest way possible but Trips shoves him off. Trips runs into an elbow but delivers a spine buster on Orton. The ref finally decides he ought to do a standing ten count after one could have already been completed by now.
 
Cena makes the tag and annihilates Rhodes as per usual. He knocks Dibiase off the apron and goes for Five Knuckle Shuffle. Rhodes escapes the FU but Dibiase is cut off by a shot from Cena. Cena trips Rhodes into the STF but Dibiase saves the day. Trips is back in to take Dibiase to he floor and against the security wall. Back in the ring. Orton makes the blind tag and goes for a punt but Cena dodges and rolls him up or three.
Winners: Cena & Trips
 
Post match, Legacy looks all bitchy and mad that they lost. Aw, poor them. Thanks for bearing with me tonight folks, it hasn’t been a good night. I’ll be bck to my usual, more mildly pissed off self next time. See you all then.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).