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RAW RANT:
(07/19/10)
By Cameron Burge

In case you missed MitB last night, a quick recap for everybody. Kane won his and cashed it in to take out Rey Mysterio for the Big Gold Belt. Moving on, The Miz is walking about with his own briefcase in addition to his belt and Sheamus beat out Cena when Nexus interfered in their match. I’m sure you weren’t tired of the ugliest World Champion since Yokozuna yet. Can you really blame him for losing? I’ve played Gears of War 2 and the Nexus was fucking brutal. Nothing else changed, so rest assured we’re still in petty much the same boat we were in before on Raw.

Raw 07.19.10

Theme and pyro open the show for us. Brought to you in WWE HD, which is different from regular HD in that it makes Chris Benoit not exist. We learn that Wade will take on Mark Henry tonight before getting on to our first match which is a #1 Contender’s Match between Orton, Edge and Jericho. Jericho is taped up on the arm from the Money in the Bank match. No explanation given as to why these three are up for the contendership and none of the other entrants from that match.

Randy Orton vs. Edge. vs. Chris Jericho

Jericho and Edge go after Orton but he fights them off at first until Jericho gets him from behind. He also hits him after the buttsex. HEYOOO. They beat Orton into the corner but he suddenly fights out, kicking Edge to the floor and slamming Jericho into the turnbuckle. Edge trips him up from the outside and Jericho pounces. They start to double team but Orton counters a suplex attempt into a double DDT. Orton knee drops Edge multiple times. Jericho nails a code breaker on Orton and picks up two when Edge breaks it up. They start to brawl to the floor as their alliance crumbles and we head off to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I wish we had 7-11 stores in this city because I want Rey Mysterio to fly his ass down here and give me a fucking straw.

Back to the match where Orton has both Jericho and Edge in the suspended DDT. Edge slips free to the floor, being able to save the pinfall on Jericho. Edge tosses Orton to the floor and picks up his own two count on Jericho. Edge decides to go beat on Orton against the security wall. The crowd rallies for Orton and Edge picks up a two count back in the ring on him. Jericho is taking his requisite rest on the floor. Jericho drags Edge from the ring and slams him into the announce table. Jericho covers Orton with his feet on the ropes but only gets two. Orton powers back on Jericho and tries for another suspended DDT, but Edge comes from behind. Orton counters and drops Edge for a quick cover. Orton tosses Edge back to the floor and goes for the suspended DDT, but Jericho slips free into the Walls. Edge saves the day with an Edge-u-cution DDT on Jericho for two. Edge sets up a spear and Jericho counters into a roll up that he switches into the Walls.

Let’s see if Orton does the RKO to Jericho out of this and actually manages to hit him this time. Unfortunately, Edge makes the ropes before we can see. Edge rolls up Jericho for two and then tosses him to the floor. Orton sneaks up from behind but Edge counters the RKO into an Edge-o-matic for two. Edge sets up another spear which worked so well last time. Jericho comes out of nowhere from the side to collide with Edge. Orton rolls up Jericho for two but Edge rolls up Orton out of it for his own two count. All three are up and they all three clothesline each other some how in a bullshit clusterfuck. Edge is sent to the floor. And Jericho tosses Orton out of an RKO. Orton dodges a lionsault and sets up another RKO. For the first time ever, he hits the RKO out of the set up...and eve hits Edge with it too. He hit two in a row. I guess that makes up for the normal way that taunt goes.
Winner: Orton

Random Commercial Thought: Do Will Ferrell and Samuel L. Jackson belong in the same film together?

Back to the show where Edge is still in the ring, demanding Jericho come back out and confront him or he won’t leave. Jericho finally arrives looking pretty confused. Edge says their issues have been going on for eleven years and they’ve been costing each other matches and injuries for too much and it has to end tonight. Jericho says it’s going to end for Edge because Nexus’ success is his fault for helping Wade. He says if he snaps his fingers, Nexus will jump and destroy him. Maybe he should have done this earlier then? Edge says they would take him if he offered and crush Jericho for claiming their success is his. Let me get this straight....we have two former World/WWE champions begging to be on Nexus? Fuck my life. Wade says Jericho was right, they would end his career and they surround him before beating Edge down while Jericho cackles and jumps around like a giddy little school child.

Jericho puts the walls on while Nexus watches until Jericho realizes he’s about to totally get attacked. Don’t run or anything. Wade says Edge was right too, because they would really like to shut him up too. Jericho attacks first but of course that goes about as well as expected.

Random Commercial Thought: So Sheamus could be a Celtic Warrior on Deadliest Warrior then? I vote him for the next character addition to the game instead of Vlad the Impaler. Maybe he could beat the ninja.

Back to the show. Wade is interviewed in the back saying he’s a super badass or something Sheamus arrives to say he has a proposal for Wade. Wade leaves him waiting outside his “office” but we don’t get to hear what that is before John Cena is interviewed from the back. Cena says it’s his fault for not shaking Wade’s hand and he’s going to meet them in the ring tonight. They’re going to have tea. Cena says “if you can’t beat ‘em....” then walks off, implying he might join up I guess? How the fuck do you get a bunch of green guys to have every big wrestler crying like babies?

Random Commercial Thought: My fucking God when are elections? I’m trapped in a ludicrous Republican vs Republican hell.

Back to the show where we replay what just happened with Cena before a #1 Contender match for the Diva’s. Snack break!

Maryse w/ Ted Dibiase vs. Eve Torres

Eve doesn’t fair too well early on until she finally catches a reverse elbow in the corner and a leaping knee to Maryse in the jaw. Maryse makes the ropes with her foot at the two but the ref doesn’t see it so Ted gets in the ring.
Winner: Eve

At least it was short. Ted is up in the ref’s face but Morrison attacks from behind and crushes Dibaise with Starship Pain. Well, that was quick. Don’t linger too long I guess.

Random Commercial Thought: Cat’s like sub sandwiches?

Back to the show where Sheamus is coming out to speak. Sheamus rambles on about being awesome and says he and Nexus are the two most powerful entities in the WWE and has struck a deal to leave Nexus alone while they leave him alone. I’m really sick of Nexus being the fucking focus of the whole goddamn show. This is why people got sick of the NWO. Miz interrupts things to say Sheamus has a bigger problem than Nexus, The Miz. He says he is the one who controls the fate of the WWE championship. Miz says he’ll be ready to cash it in whenever when Orton might hit him with an RKO, or maybe he’ll attack him from behind during an interview, or maybe he’ll just wait until Wrestlemania, or maybe he’ll cash it in tonight. He then quotes some lyrics and Sheamus tells him he’s nothing before storming off in a little fit. Our GM AIMs us for the first time tonight. How nice of them to let us know they are watching the show at least. The GM says Miz should
take a seat at ringside for the next match of Sheamus against Evan Bourne if he wants to cash in tonight.

WWE Champion Sheamus vs. Evan Bourne (Non-Title Match)

Sheamus tries the step kick right off the bat but Bourne dodges and kicks him. Sheamus takes a tumble to the floor and tries to regroup, getting mad and hitting the table.

Random Commercial Thought: Why the fuck did they even start the match?

As we return, Sheamus is overpowering Bourne while Miz sits at ringside petting his briefcase like an evil mastermind and his cat. Sheamus runs Bourne down for a two count and starts to pummel him in the corner. With his foot. Sheamus wraps Bourne’s leg around a post and taunts yelling something that sounds like he’s screaming “NEEERRRRD” like he’s Piccolo. Sheamus works a submission on Bourne and Bourne tries to slip free only to be hoisted up into a big swinging side slam. Sheamus works another submission hold and Bourne works out, kicking the back of the knee. Sheamus tosses him to the corner and Bourne hits a huge, straight up standing kick. Awesome.

Bourne starts kicking the shit out of Sheamus, rocking him. Bourne spins out of a powerbomb attempt to a roll up for two and superkicks Sheamus dead. Bourne climbs up for Air Bourne while Miz gets ready to cash in. Sheamus rolls to the floor so Bourne just jumps on him anyway. Good plan, Ginger.Sheamus grabs the ref and distracts him while he delivers a cheap shot to Bourne. I still can’t tell if they are calling the kick the bro or pro kick, but Sheamus hit it for the win.
Winner: Sheamus

Miz decks Sheamus from behind with the briefcase several times before dragging him up for the skullcrushing finale. Sheamus tries to fight out of it while Miz finally forces him into it on the briefcase and Miz cashes in. The crowd just popped huge for the fucking Miz. R-Truth’s music hits before Sheamus can get up for the ref to start the match, but Miz takes his briefcase and runs. I think the crowd is actually pissed Truth interrupted this. I want to know since when the ref has to wait for Sheamus to be okay enough to start the match. Doesn’t that ruin the point of attacking him before hand?

Random Commercial Thought: Silibil is a shitty rap name.

Back to the show where Miz freak out in the back over Truth costing him the championship and there will be other opportunities so he’s okay, just pissed I guess? We get a video about a Summerslam match between Austin and Undertaker. Sheamus is walking about with some ice on his head in the back and yelling at the useless divas. I want Beth Phoenix back. Orton comes along to tell him it was too bad what just happened before saying he’ll be eating an RKO at Summerslam. We see Cena sitting around looking dramatic in the back as if he’s auditioning for the next Twilight film.

Random Commercial Thought: For you pokemon players of competitiveness, say bye bye to Salemence. Dragons are out of style I guess.

Back to the show where Zack Ryder is teaming with Regal against Santino and Kozlov. At least Zack got rid of the pants anymore. I want to know why they think this will work with less guys?

Vladimir Kozlov & Santino Morella vs. William Regal & Zack Ryder

Santino flips out of an arm wrench by Zack and works one of his own before handstanding against the ropes. Zack crouches behind him, causing Santino to trip and Vlad makes the tag. Regal comes in too and gets outwrestled. Santino comes in for the cheap shot on the arm, but Regal just powers him over. Regal picks up two. Ryder tags in and puts him down for two again before working a submission. Ryder leaps off the top onto Santino, but his followup has Santino making the tag. Vlad crushes Ryder in the corner a running spin kick leads to a running powerslam for two. Regal breaks up the pin and runs from Kozlov but a spinebuster crushes Ryder who tries to come from behind. Santino gets the tag and does what I can only call the People’s Headbutt for the three.
Winners: Santino & Kozlov

Kozlov looks as surprised this is getting over as anyone else. Nexus are talking in the back as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Damn, a lot of WWE based commercials this week. Is Cena going to pay for the damages to that restroom?

Back to the show where Wade Barrett if here. I didn’t care either. Story here is that Nexus is banned from ringside; I forgot to mention that earlier.

Wade Barrett vs. Mark Henry

Henry takes everything Wade has and just walks through it, crushing Wade in a corner with a headbutt. Wade tries to fight back again but gets run over by a clothesline for two. Henry delivers another headbutt and Wades delivers one of his own before kicking into the knee repeatedly. Henry just scoops him into a powerslam for a two count. Henry looks really funny with his little band-aide on his forehead. Wade is dragged to the corner for a big corner splash, but Nexus come to the entrance ramp as Henry climbs the ropes, getting distracted. Wade scoops him up on his shoulders and almost drops Henry, so he sling shim by his arm and leg into an awkward slam that looked very dangerous and unintentionally performed.
Winner: Wade

Wade demands Cena come out as Nexus joins him in the ring. Cena is seen walking through the back as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Daniel Bryons was fired for what a fucking Knockout did on TNA. Lame huh? That better be some kind of elaborate, stupid work.

Back to the show where Nexus is saying they promise to at least hear him out when he comes out if he will at least acknowledge that they run the show now. Cena finally comes out, this is apparently our big Main Event. Cena apologizes to them and asks for the same thing, but Wade says no. He says he’s not looking for a truce, he’s looking for something bigger (always with the “Much much biggah” form this guy. “How’s your dick?” “Much, much biggah!”). Wade says he wants Cena to join them instead. Yadda yadds, join the dark side, yadda yadda, unstoppable, blah blah.

Cena turns down this OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME. Wade says that is unfortunate because now he has two choices, either leave or get his ass kicked. Cena decides to take a walk but pauses at the ramp to give one last speech. Cena says he will take them all down and Cena reveals he has help and says he’s been forming a team quietly. If by quietly, he means that he’s been using the same guys each week we keep seeing. He says they’ll be taking on Nexus at Summerslam and reveals his team to be: Edge (Maybe they should have gone through with the whole ending career thing earlier), John Morrison (I demand he go back up the ramp and start that walk again in slow motion), R-Truth (The Greatest Rapper since Cena!), The Great Khali (LOL), Chris Jericho (guess he forgot to show up and the whole hating Edge thing), last is Bret Hart (wut?). The Cena Army attacks the ring and Nexus books through the crowd as fast as they can.

Highlight of the Night: The show really blew its wad early with the Triple Threat, it was all downhill from there.

Lowlight of the Night: Diva match was a blink and you miss it, thing.

WWE “Creative” Award: Wouldn’t it have made more sense for Evan Bourne to be on that team instead of Khali?
 

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).