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WWE RAW RANT

by Cameron Burge

July 18, 2011


There is much I could say about last night’s PPV. Yes, I saw it. Yes, it was the best show of the year by far. I’m just as excited as anyone else to see where things go tonight. Here’s hoping they continue to not fuck it up.

Raw 07.18.11



Show opens with the usual lead in, which is kind of funny to have “The Champ is Here” with a smiling Cena holding the belt. Vince and Johnny Ace open things for us without theme or pyro and in the absolutely poofiest suit that Vince Owns. Powder pink is never recommended. There are light chants for CM Punk as Vince whispers something to Johnny. He says we will never hear him say that man’s name again. He says “that man” is an egotistical selfish turd. Triple H? He says we will crown a new WWE champion tonight despite the title currently residing in a fridge. There will be an eight man elimination tournamnet tonight. Rey/Dolph will be the first match, then Swagger/Truth (aren’t they both heels?), Kingston/Del Rio, Riley/Miz (again…). He says Cena is conspicuously absent from that tournament and gets the biggest reaction tonight. It was actually mostly cheers even though Vince says he will boo him “too.” Vince says there will be severe consequences because apparently firing is not worth talking about now?

Cole says Cena believes he has already been terminated and Cena says he is publicly apologizing to Rock for missing their dinner date, oh and also that match or something. Miz is out to take on Riley as soon as we have this word from our sponsors. Random Commercial Thought: LMAO Final Destination 5? REALLY?!

Alex Riley is out next to try and continue his win streak.

The Miz vs. Alex Riley

Riley is trying to target Miz’ knee since he blew it out in the match right now and is kind of hopping about on it still. He keeps blocking the take downs until Riley manages to force him to a corner. Miz fights out only for Riley to kick the knee out and start dragging him around by it. He drops elbows to the knee to big pops before wrapping it around the ring post. Miz manages to send Riley into the ring post when he misses a shoulder tackle in the corner, scoring himself a two count. Miz works some mounted punches until the ref drags him off. What is with referees and bad hair coloring jobs? Apparently the only way to win these matches is “by pinfall or submission” for some reason.

Riley turns it around with a neck breaker onto his knee with Miz’s head. Nice move. Riley fires up and drills Miz with a spine buster for two. Riley decides to lock on a Texas cloverleaf like a boss to a huge pop. Cole is retarded and calls it the sharpshooter. He makes the ropes and manages to finally come out of the corner with the skull crushing finale out of nowhere.

Winner: Miz

WE see R-Truth walking through the back, talking to himself about the possibilities of the Hardees’s biscuit raping the Grimace as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: We have this commercial for G Mobile that is a fake wrestling match over cell phones. I kind of wonder if WWE will hire them some day.

Hey, remember John Morrison? This video package will remind you he exists since he’s still injured. R-Truth is then out for his match with Swagger.

Jack Swagger vs. R-Truth

In case you missed Truth and Miz dueling with tiny ladders like the river fighting sequence from Robin Hood Men in Tights, you should go look that up. Swagger works a headlock while we learn in completely unrelated news that Big Show will be gone for a few months. Makes perfect sense to bring that up now. Swagger almost gets surprised pin, but kicks out at two. They dance around and kill time before hooking up again. Swagger forces Truth to the corner and shoulder blocks him while Little Jimmy chants begin. Swagger slams Truth down for two. We have a problem with no faces being in this match, so cheering for an imaginary person was the crowd’s best bet. Swagger continues to keep the pressure on with a big power slam for another two.

Jimmy chants begin again even louder as Truth battle back and escapes a slam. He split ducks a clothesline and uses the Harlem sidekick for two. Swagger kicks out so hard he is suddenly humping Truth’s face. Truth misses a scissor kick and Swagger gets the Ankle Lock, but Truth rolls through into the pin for the three.

Winner: R-Truth

Swagger cries like a baby back bitch.

Random Commercial Thought: Cops only spend half of their time fighting crime. The other half is recreational singing.

Del Rio comes out and cuts a promo about his destiny and Money in the Bank last night. Afterward his music plays again…and Ricardo shows up to introduce him again! He proceeds to say his name enough to times to make up for all the matches he missed.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m pretty sure that commercial was about McDonald’s cooks being magicians.

Back to the show where Kofi Kingston arrives.

Kofi Kingston vs. Alberto Del Rio w/ Ricardo Rodriguez

Kofi starts off strong and dropkicks Del Rio a few times. He picks up a two count and goes to his mounted punches in the corner which amazingly does not backfire. Kofi dives through the ropes onto Del Rio when he tries to take a trip to the floor. If these matches can only be won by pinfall or submission, why is the ref doing a count out? Del Rio turns it around back in the ring as this match is apparently entirely about Cena and The Rock thanks to the announcers. Rio picks up a two count after some kicks and elbow drops.

Rio works a headlock, but Kofi rallies and fights out. Rio charges into an elbow in the corner and a kick at the rope. He keeps charging in like a retard and actually throws his entire body into the corner to hurt himself. Kofi goes into his offense and goes for the boom drop, but the crowd seems just dead tonight. Del Rio dodges it and goes to the ropes before kicking Kofi off and hitting a Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for two. This crowd is fucking dead. Alberto looks to be setting up some kind of leg lock when Kofi rolls him forward into a pin for the three.

Winner: Kofi

Random Commercial Thought: You make history, I make monkeys.

Back to the show for a random flashback of The British Bulldog and Bret Hart at Summerslam 92. This was apparently supposed to hype us for the PPV. Cole actually apologizes for complaining about Kofi after seeing a replay. Kofi is interviewed about his chances before Rey hit’s the ring. Why does he Eskimo kiss every kid at ringside? Bad touch!

Rey Mysterio vs. US Champion Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie Guerrero (Non-Title Match)

Dolph slugs away at Mysterio before an he eats a kick and an arm scissor take down. Rey is tossed to the floor but he manages to land on his feet and ducks a baseball slide. Mysterio eats the floor hard from a slam by Ziggler which gets two back in the ring. Ziggler decides to work the gayest leg hold I’ve ever seen. Rey appears to be casually relaxing in it. Mysterio tires to roll him up out of it and Dolph turns things back around with a slam for a couple of two counts. He bombs an elbow drop though and the follow up corner splash because he went to the Alberto Del Rio school of ring psychology. Rey picks up two after a kick.

Rey comes off the top onto Ziggler, but he misses the kick follow up and gets leveled by Dolph for another two. 619 chants start up as Ziggler sends himself headfirst into the turnbuckles. Mysterio tries for a hurricanrana, but Ziggler blocks only to have it countered into a head scissor by Rey rebounding off the ropes with his upper body. Rey misses the 619 which is countered into a reverse power slam for a close two. He dicks around for a few moments and walks right into a 619 and the top rope splash for three.

Winner: Rey

King has to cut himself off when he starts to say the name of the man who cannot be named. I must assume then he meant CP Munk.

Random Commercial Thought: Zombieland looked like a way better movie than this.

Back to the show for a divas seven on seven match. I was kind of hoping one of the heel divas would trip over the Bellas’ capes.

Face Divas vs. Heel Divas

Both announcers manage to bury Joey Styles. The match starts with Beth and Mendez I think, but all hell breaks out in five seconds so Beth finishes Rosa with the glam slam.

Winners: Faces

Glad we had such a deep and exciting match.

Random Commercial Thought: Captain America, because you never bring a gun to a shield fight.

Back to the show for semi finals.

Kofi Kingston vs. The Miz

Kofi goes after the leg and tries a quick pin for two. Miz tries to chuck him from the ring, but Kofi catches the rope and rebounds into a dropkick for two. Miz rolls through a slam into a sunset flip, but Kofi rolls through it into a double stomp for two. Kofi trips Miz from outside the ring by his knee and slingshots into an elbow drop for yet another three count. Miz tries to fight him off as Kofi continues to kick the knee out multiple times for even more two counts. Kofi misses a corner splash, but hits his flip kick in the corner. He comes off the top with a cross body that Miz rolls through for only two.

Miz drags Kofi up but he grabs the leg and hyper extends it, dragging Miz to the ground. Kofi signals Trouble in Paradise, but Miz rolls to the ring apron and rests his knee. He racks Kofi on the top rope by the chin and slithers in for another skull crushing finales, but Kofi reverses it into a roll up for two. Kofi charges the corner and gets slammed into the turnbuckle before stumbling back into the skull crushing finale.

Winner: Miz

We see the bracket which has formed a ghetto for the black people in the middle of it. Truth says he’s going to crush Rey tonight because the title is his and he’s just been a conspiracy victim. He says the title is gonna get got which makes no sense, since I think he wants to beat Rey and not the belt.

Random Commercial Thought: Never have sex when you can see the baby’s face.

Back to the show where Andy takes us on a tour of former meth labs and his shitty neighborhood. Rey is now in mid entrance for this next match. He manages not to make out with all the kids at ring side this time….well, okay some of them.

Rey Mysterio vs. R-Truth

Truth starts kicking into Rey and tries to get a pin which only gets one because he hasn’t done shit yet. He beats Rey into the corner and then tosses him hard into the reverse for two. Truth picks up two a second time off a move I missed before working a front headlock. Rey tries to rally back and they start trading blows until Truth runs into a kick from Mysterio. Rey and Truth HUGE botch a wheelbarrow to arm drag that makes it look like Truth just threw himself right out of the ring. Mysterio suicide dives onto Truth on the floor as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Truth clearly just tripped out of the ring. No botch here, folks.

Back to the show where Truth is in control, but he gets school boyed by Mysterio for two. Truth decks him for another two of his own. Hey, remember that Raw GM? Rey tries to rally back, but Truth takes Rey down for two with the lie detector. 619 chants start and Truth gets mad before running into a drop toe hold. Rey goes for the 619, but Truth cuts him off by tackling him for two. Well, that didn’t work, time for the ultimate technique. Front facelock. Truth continues to try and keep the pressure on, but Mysterio comes back with a springboard cross body off the middle rope for two. Truth misses the scissor kick yet again and Mysterio rolls through a sunset flip into a dropkick for two.

Truth crushes Rey with his fireman’s carry to diamond cutter for two when Mysterio grabs the ropes. Rey clings to the rope as Truth ties to drag him away so Truth stomps on him a bit. The crowd rallies for little Jimmy to make a run in as Rey hangs Truth up on the top rope and leaps in with a head scissor for the 619. Rey hits the splash and picks up the pin.

Winner: Rey

Random Commercial Thought: Since there isn’t really a belt right now, shouldn’t the winner of this match just get a piece of paper with a drawing of the belt, or one of those cardboard cut out ones?

Back to the show where Rey’s introduction, who is already in the ring, is interrupted by Vince McMahon’s entrance. Oh good, Vince is going to challenge for the belt. Vince says we are almost out of time and so he’s postponing the finals until next week. He apologizes to Rey who is pissed off and Vince tells him not to be selfish. Vince says it is bigger than him. Like most things. HEYO! Also Vince managed to accidently slip and say WWF there. He says no one person is bigger than WWE and he could make a new John Cena. CM Punk chants.

Vince says he sometimes has to make difficult decisions and sometimes you have to set an example. He says this isn’t about his ego or winning like Charlie Sheen. He says he does what he does for everyone from a business perspective because people are blinded by the short sightedness. In time we will understand and thank him. Especially for that time with the fucking the dead girl. We’ll come around to it eventually. More CM Punk chants.

Cena comes out to face Vince and says they don’t need to give him a seven second delay because he’s not going to go through crap like Michaels did. Also there was a Cena Fat Girl Row shot and I laughed. He says all people did for years was talk about Michaels screwing Bret. He says the match was more than just he and Punk in a classic, it was about Vince trying to keep the bubble intact and the universe in one piece. To do that he needed Cena to be his patsy to play ball. Cena breaks the rule and thanks Punk for the match last night.

Cena says he has his own way of doing business and Vince would have made the WWE title meaningless. He says if he’s so easily cloneable then he has eight months to make a clone for Wrestlemania. He knows he’s not an idiot because Vince would find somebody for the Rock (he’s using real names right now actually), but he gets to leave with his pride and dignity. He then says if he walks out tonight he will “walk onto someone else’s television show and keep doing this, BRUTHER.” Oh gee, I have no idea what he was trying to reference there. He says the one thing he won’t do tonight is kiss his ass. Vince says he’s not going to be denied his satisfaction when Triple H appears.

Vince introduces him as his son-in-law and an all time great before handing him a mic. Trips says he got here as soon as he could because there was a board of directors meeting this morning. The board asked him to come here to talk to him, because they are concerned about the current situation. Because They and the Network want him to fire Goldberg. Wait, I might have got lost there. He says he wanted to be there before Vince came out, but he arrived late, because the board is concerned about him. He tries to get Vince to come to the back, but he won’t. He finally says the board has filed an injunction against Vince with a vote of no confidence and the family agrees with them. Especially the Falconis. The board appointed someone to take over the day to day operations of the WWE, Trips himself of course.

He says Vince is not going to fire John Cena who proceeds to celebrate and high five fans. He says Vince won’t be doing anything else either, because Vince taught him from day one that nobody is bigger than the business, but with all due respect, he’s relieved of his duties. Vince cries like a baby back bitch. The crowd sings “Na Na Na” for Vince as he tries to compose himself. Trips is choking up and says he didn’t want to do this before saying “I love you, pop.” Lulz. He apologizes and leaves. Vince drunkenly stumbles around the ring by himself for a bit while the crowd cheers for Triple H then applauds Vince for some reason before a small “thank you Vince chant rises up, gets louder and louder as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: The ending segment was a real twister and worth watching if you missed.

Lowlight of the Night: Diva match, need I say more?

WWE “Creative” Award: Props to actually not ending this show as we all thought it would…though it could still go that route with the finish next week.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).