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RAW RANT:
(07/13/09)
By Cameron Burge

Welcome back, did you miss me? Of course you did, I see you there, about to cut your wrists with your little plastic Wolverine Claws that you bought at Wal-mart you sad sacks. Don’t worry I won’t tell anybody. Oh also, for all you Family Guy fans (even those of you suicidal over me), this is Seth Green’s night to host Raw. Somebody kill Vince right now.

Raw 07.13.09

Triple H opens Raw tonight to tell us that he’s good friends with tonight’s host. Seth arrives to the oh so appropriate theme of Welcome to the Jungle. Wut? Trips agrees with Seth that they should have a Women’s bikini match. Trips then introduces a Season premiere clip of Robot Chicken that involves Trips. He tears his quad while getting out of a chair…oh no wait he wrestles Dakota Fanning. WTF? John Cena then beats her ass while looking surprisingly a lot like Cory Feldman instead of Cena. Seth calls Orton a whiny little girl. Orton doesn’t find this funny as he comes out after Trips claims Orton to not have male genitalia. Orton says he has something Trips doesn’t. Gonorrhea. Oh, and the title. Seth looks like a little child in the ring right now. Trips demands a match with Orton. Orton threatens pain on Seth and says he doesn’t wanna do that. This is the part where the GM would step in, but Seth is kinda lost like the red-headed step child he appears to be. Orton asks him what he fuck he is doing here. Orton says someone might mistake Seth for being a real man which must be the only reason he is here. Seth says tonight’s main event is going to be Legacy vs. Triple H and John Cena. Also Jane Fonda was there. Oh and Seth Green is on their team. Wait, what? What’s next? Next week tune in as Seth Green teams up with David Arquette to challenge Jericho and Edge for the tag titles.

Apparently the divas are psychic and showed up with their swimsuits for tonight as they are already wearing them as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Somebody fucking kill the directors of GI Joe.

Back to the Whore parade, er Raw.

Alecia fox, Rosa Mendez & Diva’s Champion Maryse vs. Mickie James, Kelly Kelly & Gail Kim

Gail Kim and Fox start off wrestling…rolling on the…ground….sweat….uuuuuuhhhh….Oh right, a match. Um, ya know it’s kinda hard to concentrate on this. Mickie James is probably the hottest one in the ring right now in that outfit. Kelly cheated and is wearing shoes. I’m serious though this is impossible to recap. Just imagine your wet dream of women rolling around half naked and you have most of his match down. The women look stupid doing their fake kicks with no shoes on as you can clearly see their feet not connecting to avoid hurting themselves. A winner is you. The match devolves into a skank brawl when Mickie almost beats Maryse with a senton. She’s then sent into the ring post and taken out with Mickie’s own DDT.
 
Winners: Men

In the back, Jericho bitches and moans to Seth Green about something I didn’t really pay attention to. Let’s go to commercial shall we?

Random Commercial Thought: The oven follows him to his therapist? That’s fucked up yo.

Back to the show. Primo is pissed off and comes out to demand that Carlito come out and face him after the ass beating he got last week. Instead he gets the Miz. Damn, that’s the worst downgrade you could get. Miz mocks the pronunciation of their names before declaring himself to be awesome and coming in for a match. Remind me why it was a good idea to break up the Colons so we can bury them as singles competitors?

Primo Colon vs. The Miz

Primo starts off strong, beating on Miz in the corner until he gets slammed into the turnbuckle and back suplexed for two. Miz puts on a silly headlock. I didn’t know you could make headlocks look lamer. The crowd rallies huge for Primo surprisingly as he hit’s a roll through Russian Leg Sweep. Primo back flips out of a clothesline into a dropkick and picks up two off a springboard cross body. Carlito interrupts the match while Primo continues to beat on Miz. Carlito gets on the apron for a distraction, allowing a Reality Check for three.
 
Winner: Miz

Carlito spits some apple into Primo’s face after the match. Edge got a serious leg injury. Probably all that syphilis made his bones weak. It’s great we broke up the Colons so we could put the belts on two BIG STARS like Jericho and Edge! Oh wait, they can’t team…well thanks for the massive bowl of fuck.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m hungry too.

Back to the show where we see Chavo job to Hornswoggle legit. What the fucking shit. Seth says Horny is against Chavo in a rematch with one arm tied behind his back. Horny is happy and its funny how much taller he looks next to Seth. Seth asks Big Show for advice. Big Show does his best Dr. Evil impersonation….woooooow. You know, I’m just gonna go ahead and never speak of that ever again.

To ringside for MVP vs. Jack Swagger. It’s time for one piece suit matchups.

MVP vs. Jack Swagger

Swagger starts off with feint and a belly to back takedown. He taunts MVP and eats a bitch slap and a hard right that sends him to the floor. Swagger tries to trip him but almost gets kicked so he gets all pissed off and yells at the announcers as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Sorry to bring this up again but the G.I. Joe commercial just made me shriek in anger at the top of my lungs this time. Kid Rock did the sound track? Fuck them.

Back to the match where MVP is regaining control after losing it during the break. He levels Swagger with a big clothesline but when going for the playmaker, Swagger slips out and slings him into the ring post. MVP comes back out of a headlock with some rights and a big knee to the face. MVP delivers ballin’ and picks up two count. Swagger gets back body tossed to the apron, but Swagger racks his injured arm on the rope and slips in for his gut wrench power bomb.
 
Winner: Swagger

Jericho is on his way out to make a public statement about the state of he and Edge’s belts.

Random Commercial Thought: Transformers is actually WORSE than Transmorphers.

Back to the show. Apparently he tore his Achilles tendon Edge did. I guess that was his Achilles heel! LOLOLOLOL. No Edge for a year? God what will I do without someone slipping out of the ring early top win every battle royal? I bet he’s going to announce his new partner is David Arquette. They were both in WCW together so it makes sense right? Jericho says he made a mistake selecting a man prone to injury his partner. Didn’t Edge pick him? Oh well, who needs continuity. Jericho says his partner needs to be all awesome and shit and Mark Henry comes out to answer the call. Fuck that shit. No seriously, FUCK THAT SHIT. Jericho says he’s an impressive sight and exactly the partner he had in mind. Henry says they can do unbelievable things….with his arm around hi,….I’m afraid. NO MEANS NO.

Henry admits he actually came out here to fight Jericho and clotheslines him. Opponent in what? Henry then begins to rip his clothes off. Rape! Bad touch! Somebody stop this black man! Jericho is left looking like a Chippendale dancer since all he has left is his black tie. Jericho takes it off and pretends to get back in the ring for the impromptu match since we have a match now. He keeps refusing to get in.

Chris Jericho vs. Mark Henry

Jericho gets ran over as soon as he finally gets in the ring. I love how as soon as this match started my friend Josh put his shoes on and suddenly had to leave. Jericho gets tossed around and stepped on, slipping out of a scoop slam. He rolls to the floor out of a hard shot and just takes the ten count like a boss.
Winner: Henry

Random Commercial Thought: What has happened to America.

Back to the show for a Midget Match.

Chavo Guerrero vs. Hornswoggle (One-handed match)

I shouldn’t have to recap this bullshit. Chavo tries to grab him by the throat but once again is bitten on the hand because he’s an idiot and didn’t learn from Superstars that it wouldn’t work. Chavo gets in some offense but it isn’t long before he eats a small package and loses. Laaaaame.
Winner: Hornswoggle

Isn’t it great that the Guerrero legacy lives on? In the back. Legacy discusses that Dusty Rhodes might host next week. Oh great, I just love not knowing what my GM is saying.

Random Commercial Thought: Public Enemies is amazing.

Back to the show where Kofi is here to watch another Midget Match.

Evan Bourne starts off strong, dodging and attacking with quick shots. Big Show just snatches him and throws him across the ring literally. Big Show puts Bourne in a chicken wing and tosses him across. Kofi says he got something for he big show and it apparently involves his big mouth. That’s not sexual at all….IT’S A DICK. Big Show slaps Bourne on the chest in the corner and tosses him again. Big Show kicks him to the floor as Evan takes a breather only to be pulled up by the top of his head. He takes a shot to the eyes and delivers a missile dropkick but he just bounces off. Big Show then crushes him with a spear and puts on the “Colossal” Clutch.
Winner: Show

Big Show won’t break the hold so Kofi comes to the rescues with some big kicks that send Big Show to the floor. We then get a Robot Chicken preview of awesome which is the best thing I have seen all night.

Random Commercial Thought: I spent this break discussing horrific comic continuity errors.

Back to the show. After a rundown of the Night of Champion card, Santino is auditioning in the back for a part on Electric Poultry by playing with his own action figure. Trips and Cena arrive to tell Seth he picked the right team. Their conscience is not set at ease by the fact he has an inhaler. The closest Seth has come to being a warrior is playing a diseased pilot in Mass Effect. We then see that next week’s hosts are….ZZ Top. What. The. Fuck.

Random Commercial Thought: I have aliens in my attic too. They tell me to burn things.

Back to the show where 12 Rounds is the #1 DVD in America, because they beat out such hits as Entourage, Princess Protection Program, Gran Torino (which has been out forever and is still high), and Jonas Brothers Concert Experience. Amazing. Now off to ringside for Legacy who are suddenly all on the same page. Seth Green hit’s the ring with his epic theme song of awesome. I’m kinda wondering if ZZ Top is gonna rock Sharp Dressed Man for us. Trips accompanies him to the ring after his own theme and John Deer, I mean Cena, is soon after.

Random Commercial Thought: It was actually the island of Dr. Muroe.

Back to the show with the match already in progress, we’re already in overtime here.

Triple H, Seth Green & John Cena vs. WWE Champion Randy Orton & Legacy

Trips is suplexing Cody Rhodes and working his pasty ass over. Trips taunts making the tag to Seth and tags in Cena instead. He slams Cody down by his arm and Cena wrenches the arm after a two count. The crowd demands Seth. What the fuck is wrong with them. Seth tags in and sort of awkwardly crawls in. Cena holds Rhodes while the ref takes his dear sweet time getting him out. Seth decks Rhodes and then runs away outside the ring. Rhodes gives chase right into a Triple H clothesline. Seth covers for one.

Cena tags in and he gets double teamed when Dibaise distracts the ref allowing for Orton to get a shot in. They dissect Cena on the outside and he crawls back in to fight Orton. Orton gets the DDT off the middle rope while the ref doesn’t bother to count for Cena being in the ropes while Orton taunts before he does the move. This ref blows ass. Orton stomps Cena in the corner for a really long time, the ref only lightly asking him to stop. So professional. Legacy come in and double team with Rhodes staying to kick on Cena some more.

Full Nelson from Rhodes but he stretched to the tag only to be pulled away. Cena breaks the hold only to take a knee to the gut. Double clothesline. I still want to know how the hell that can ever actually happen. Triple H is in on Orton now, delivering the Harley Race knee and the face buster. Trips gets the spine buster and tries for a Pedigree. Legacy leaps in but gets tossed out by Cena. In the chaos, Orton goes for an RKO, but Seth breaks the pin. Orton chases Seth to a corner and grabs him by the neck. Kick him low! Orton just nails him in the gut and goes for the punt but he gets speared by Cena. Legacy tackle Cena and a three-man assault begins. Rhodes retrieves a chair but Trips gets the sledgehammer. Trips chases them all off, but almost nails Cena.
 
Winners: Uh, who got Dqed first? I have no idea.

Where is Seth Green, you ask? He just sort of wander back in after taking a breather on the floor. Big Seth chants and his hands are raised by the faces.

Highlight of the Night: Boba Fett Robot Chicken sketch was the best thing. Seriously.

Lowlight of the Night: I would have to say the Henry/Jericho bullshit match was worth skipping.

WWE “Creative” Award: Seth fucking Green.
 

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).