did you miss me? Of course you did, I see you there,
about to cut your wrists with your little plastic
Wolverine Claws that you bought at Wal-mart you sad
sacks. Don’t worry I won’t tell anybody. Oh also,
for all you Family Guy fans (even those of you
suicidal over me), this is Seth Green’s night to
host Raw. Somebody kill Vince right now.
Triple H opens Raw
tonight to tell us that he’s good friends with
tonight’s host. Seth arrives to the oh so
appropriate theme of Welcome to the Jungle. Wut?
Trips agrees with Seth that they should have a
Women’s bikini match. Trips then introduces a Season
premiere clip of Robot Chicken that involves Trips.
He tears his quad while getting out of a chair…oh no
wait he wrestles Dakota Fanning. WTF? John Cena then
beats her ass while looking surprisingly a lot like
Cory Feldman instead of Cena. Seth calls Orton a
whiny little girl. Orton doesn’t find this funny as
he comes out after Trips claims Orton to not have
male genitalia. Orton says he has something Trips
doesn’t. Gonorrhea. Oh, and the title. Seth looks
like a little child in the ring right now. Trips
demands a match with Orton. Orton threatens pain on
Seth and says he doesn’t wanna do that. This is the
part where the GM would step in, but Seth is kinda
lost like the red-headed step child he appears to
be. Orton asks him what he fuck he is doing here.
Orton says someone might mistake Seth for being a
real man which must be the only reason he is here.
Seth says tonight’s main event is going to be Legacy
vs. Triple H and John Cena. Also Jane Fonda was
there. Oh and Seth Green is on their team. Wait,
what? What’s next? Next week tune in as Seth Green
teams up with David Arquette to challenge Jericho
and Edge for the tag titles.
divas are psychic and showed up with their swimsuits
for tonight as they are already wearing them as we
go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought:
Somebody fucking kill the directors of GI Joe.
Back to the Whore parade, er Raw.
Alecia fox, Rosa Mendez & Diva’s Champion Maryse
vs. Mickie James, Kelly Kelly & Gail Kim
Gail Kim and Fox start off wrestling…rolling on
the…ground….sweat….uuuuuuhhhh….Oh right, a match.
Um, ya know it’s kinda hard to concentrate on this.
Mickie James is probably the hottest one in the ring
right now in that outfit. Kelly cheated and is
wearing shoes. I’m serious though this is impossible
to recap. Just imagine your wet dream of women
rolling around half naked and you have most of his
match down. The women look stupid doing their fake
kicks with no shoes on as you can clearly see their
feet not connecting to avoid hurting themselves. A
winner is you. The match devolves into a skank brawl
when Mickie almost beats Maryse with a senton. She’s
then sent into the ring post and taken out with
Mickie’s own DDT.
In the back, Jericho bitches and moans to Seth Green
about something I didn’t really pay attention to.
Let’s go to commercial shall we?
Commercial Thought: The oven follows him to his
therapist? That’s fucked up yo.
Back to the
show. Primo is pissed off and comes out to demand
that Carlito come out and face him after the ass
beating he got last week. Instead he gets the Miz.
Damn, that’s the worst downgrade you could get. Miz
mocks the pronunciation of their names before
declaring himself to be awesome and coming in for a
match. Remind me why it was a good idea to break up
the Colons so we can bury them as singles
Primo Colon vs. The Miz
off strong, beating on Miz in the corner until he
gets slammed into the turnbuckle and back suplexed
for two. Miz puts on a silly headlock. I didn’t know
you could make headlocks look lamer. The crowd
rallies huge for Primo surprisingly as he hit’s a
roll through Russian Leg Sweep. Primo back flips out
of a clothesline into a dropkick and picks up two
off a springboard cross body. Carlito interrupts the
match while Primo continues to beat on Miz. Carlito
gets on the apron for a distraction, allowing a
Reality Check for three.
Carlito spits some apple into Primo’s face after the
match. Edge got a serious leg injury. Probably all
that syphilis made his bones weak. It’s great we
broke up the Colons so we could put the belts on two
BIG STARS like Jericho and Edge! Oh wait, they can’t
team…well thanks for the massive bowl of fuck.
Random Commercial Thought: I’m hungry too.
Back to the show where we see Chavo job to
Hornswoggle legit. What the fucking shit. Seth says
Horny is against Chavo in a rematch with one arm
tied behind his back. Horny is happy and its funny
how much taller he looks next to Seth. Seth asks Big
Show for advice. Big Show does his best Dr. Evil
impersonation….woooooow. You know, I’m just gonna go
ahead and never speak of that ever again.
ringside for MVP vs. Jack Swagger. It’s time for one
piece suit matchups.
MVP vs. Jack Swagger
off with feint and a belly to back takedown. He
taunts MVP and eats a bitch slap and a hard right
that sends him to the floor. Swagger tries to trip
him but almost gets kicked so he gets all pissed off
and yells at the announcers as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Sorry to bring this up
again but the G.I. Joe commercial just made me
shriek in anger at the top of my lungs this time.
Kid Rock did the sound track? Fuck them.
to the match where MVP is regaining control after
losing it during the break. He levels Swagger with a
big clothesline but when going for the playmaker,
Swagger slips out and slings him into the ring post.
MVP comes back out of a headlock with some rights
and a big knee to the face. MVP delivers ballin’ and
picks up two count. Swagger gets back body tossed to
the apron, but Swagger racks his injured arm on the
rope and slips in for his gut wrench power bomb.
Jericho is on his way out to make a
public statement about the state of he and Edge’s
Random Commercial Thought:
Transformers is actually WORSE than Transmorphers.
Back to the show. Apparently he tore his Achilles
tendon Edge did. I guess that was his Achilles heel!
LOLOLOLOL. No Edge for a year? God what will I do
without someone slipping out of the ring early top
win every battle royal? I bet he’s going to announce
his new partner is David Arquette. They were both in
WCW together so it makes sense right? Jericho says
he made a mistake selecting a man prone to injury
his partner. Didn’t Edge pick him? Oh well, who
needs continuity. Jericho says his partner needs to
be all awesome and shit and Mark Henry comes out to
answer the call. Fuck that shit. No seriously, FUCK
THAT SHIT. Jericho says he’s an impressive sight and
exactly the partner he had in mind. Henry says they
can do unbelievable things….with his arm around
hi,….I’m afraid. NO MEANS NO.
Henry admits he
actually came out here to fight Jericho and
clotheslines him. Opponent in what? Henry then
begins to rip his clothes off. Rape! Bad touch!
Somebody stop this black man! Jericho is left
looking like a Chippendale dancer since all he has
left is his black tie. Jericho takes it off and
pretends to get back in the ring for the impromptu
match since we have a match now. He keeps refusing
to get in.
Chris Jericho vs. Mark Henry
gets ran over as soon as he finally gets in the
ring. I love how as soon as this match started my
friend Josh put his shoes on and suddenly had to
leave. Jericho gets tossed around and stepped on,
slipping out of a scoop slam. He rolls to the floor
out of a hard shot and just takes the ten count like
Thought: What has happened to America.
to the show for a Midget Match.
Chavo Guerrero vs. Hornswoggle (One-handed match)
I shouldn’t have to recap this bullshit. Chavo tries
to grab him by the throat but once again is bitten
on the hand because he’s an idiot and didn’t learn
from Superstars that it wouldn’t work. Chavo gets in
some offense but it isn’t long before he eats a
small package and loses. Laaaaame.
Isn’t it great that the Guerrero
legacy lives on? In the back. Legacy discusses that
Dusty Rhodes might host next week. Oh great, I just
love not knowing what my GM is saying.
Commercial Thought: Public Enemies is amazing.
Back to the show where Kofi is here to watch another
Evan Bourne starts off strong,
dodging and attacking with quick shots. Big Show
just snatches him and throws him across the ring
literally. Big Show puts Bourne in a chicken wing
and tosses him across. Kofi says he got something
for he big show and it apparently involves his big
mouth. That’s not sexual at all….IT’S A DICK. Big
Show slaps Bourne on the chest in the corner and
tosses him again. Big Show kicks him to the floor as
Evan takes a breather only to be pulled up by the
top of his head. He takes a shot to the eyes and
delivers a missile dropkick but he just bounces off.
Big Show then crushes him with a spear and puts on
the “Colossal” Clutch.
Show won’t break the hold so Kofi comes to the
rescues with some big kicks that send Big Show to
the floor. We then get a Robot Chicken preview of
awesome which is the best thing I have seen all
Random Commercial Thought: I spent
this break discussing horrific comic continuity
Back to the show. After a rundown of
the Night of Champion card, Santino is auditioning
in the back for a part on Electric Poultry by
playing with his own action figure. Trips and Cena
arrive to tell Seth he picked the right team. Their
conscience is not set at ease by the fact he has an
inhaler. The closest Seth has come to being a
warrior is playing a diseased pilot in Mass Effect.
We then see that next week’s hosts are….ZZ Top.
What. The. Fuck.
Random Commercial Thought: I
have aliens in my attic too. They tell me to burn
Back to the show where 12 Rounds is
the #1 DVD in America, because they beat out such
hits as Entourage, Princess Protection Program, Gran
Torino (which has been out forever and is still
high), and Jonas Brothers Concert Experience.
Amazing. Now off to ringside for Legacy who are
suddenly all on the same page. Seth Green hit’s the
ring with his epic theme song of awesome. I’m kinda
wondering if ZZ Top is gonna rock Sharp Dressed Man
for us. Trips accompanies him to the ring after his
own theme and John Deer, I mean Cena, is soon after.
Random Commercial Thought: It was actually the
island of Dr. Muroe.
Back to the show with
the match already in progress, we’re already in
Triple H, Seth Green & John Cena vs. WWE Champion
Randy Orton & Legacy
suplexing Cody Rhodes and working his pasty ass
over. Trips taunts making the tag to Seth and tags
in Cena instead. He slams Cody down by his arm and
Cena wrenches the arm after a two count. The crowd
demands Seth. What the fuck is wrong with them. Seth
tags in and sort of awkwardly crawls in. Cena holds
Rhodes while the ref takes his dear sweet time
getting him out. Seth decks Rhodes and then runs
away outside the ring. Rhodes gives chase right into
a Triple H clothesline. Seth covers for one.
Cena tags in and he gets double teamed when Dibaise
distracts the ref allowing for Orton to get a shot
in. They dissect Cena on the outside and he crawls
back in to fight Orton. Orton gets the DDT off the
middle rope while the ref doesn’t bother to count
for Cena being in the ropes while Orton taunts
before he does the move. This ref blows ass. Orton
stomps Cena in the corner for a really long time,
the ref only lightly asking him to stop. So
professional. Legacy come in and double team with
Rhodes staying to kick on Cena some more.
Full Nelson from Rhodes but he stretched to the tag
only to be pulled away. Cena breaks the hold only to
take a knee to the gut. Double clothesline. I still
want to know how the hell that can ever actually
happen. Triple H is in on Orton now, delivering the
Harley Race knee and the face buster. Trips gets the
spine buster and tries for a Pedigree. Legacy leaps
in but gets tossed out by Cena. In the chaos, Orton
goes for an RKO, but Seth breaks the pin. Orton
chases Seth to a corner and grabs him by the neck.
Kick him low! Orton just nails him in the gut and
goes for the punt but he gets speared by Cena.
Legacy tackle Cena and a three-man assault begins.
Rhodes retrieves a chair but Trips gets the
sledgehammer. Trips chases them all off, but almost
who got Dqed first? I have no idea.
Seth Green, you ask? He just sort of wander back in
after taking a breather on the floor. Big Seth
chants and his hands are raised by the faces.
Highlight of the Night: Boba
Fett Robot Chicken sketch was the best thing.
Lowlight of the Night: I would have to say
the Henry/Jericho bullshit match was worth skipping.
WWE “Creative” Award: Seth
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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr.
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