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RAW RANT:
(07/12/10)
By Cameron Burge

Welcome to the Raw Rant, where you can rest assured that you are at the very least as a wrestling fan at least three steps above a fan of the Twilight movies/books. Also, I never noticed that the pre-show intro segment for WWE TV has Cena yelling “The Champ is Here” at the end of it now. When did that happen? Tonight’s show will be hosted by the mother from the Brady Bunch, and I have to say we must really be scraping the bottom of the barrel if somebody was able to find her career.

Raw 07.12.10

Show opens with a replay of the things going on between Nexus and Cena that are leading into the massive 7 on 1 handicap match. This, combined with the theme and pyro following takes us a full four minutes to even get the show started. Nothing like getting things started off quickly I guess…. We find out Darren Young is too injured from being beaten by Cena to take part in the Handicap match, reducing it to a 6 on 1. Well at least the odds are even. Get it?! Even number! HA!….I’m sorry.

Cena starts things off predictably. He goes on to have six minutes of dialogue that is unnecessary and just hype for his PPV match. The Nexus members appear on stage in a bunch of shitty looking shirts with bright big Ns on them. Cena calls it he clan called NNNNNN. Clever? Not really. Wade says they can do whatever they want tonight with a clear conscious because Cena brought this on himself. He says Nexus stands for a bigger picture again, but refuses to elaborate again I guess. Somebody should tell the sound guy that the e-mail sound is the Message Received sound from AIM not e-mail, retard. The GM says that if any superstar is involved in the handicap match, they will be suspended for ninety days and the Nexus must use tags or be suspended for the same length. Cena says even if they take him out, he’s taking some of them with him.

Random Commercial Thought: Pizza fetishists everywhere are going to love this promotion.

Back to the show where Eve Torres is out to give commentary on Alicia Fox’s match.

Alicia Fox vs. Gail Kim

Let’s get this out of the way I guess. Gail tries to start things off with a monkey flip and is blocked before Alicia botches whatever the hell she was doing. A knee lift? Hard to tell. She covers for two off of this non-maneuver and Gail starts to rally back. Gail hits some clotheslines and dropkicks before hitting her slingshot in the corner. This match is dead as can be, way too quiet. Gail goes for her finisher off of the arm wrench, but Fox dodges her foot, causing her to go to the splits and stand up into a scissor kick.
Winner: Fox

Gail taunts Eve at ringside as the AIM messages (that’s what they fucking are) Cole begs for attention for this “GM Quote” in that the GM is giving Eve a rematch for the title due to the match last week set to happen at the PPV this Sunday. The crowd finally gets some hype for the upcoming Orton/Edge match later.

Random Commercial Thought: Wonder Woman’s new costume is completely retarded.

Back to the show where the Hart Dynasty is here to take on the Usos in a mixed tag match.

The Hart Dynasty vs. Tamina & The Usos

Tyson starts off with Jimmy and kicks him to the floor. Jimmy’s bro helps him out but Tyson sentons onto both of them. Back in the ring, Tamina trips him up on the ropes trying to leap in and Jimmy beats him down. Jey tags in and double teams for a two count. Jey beats him down for a bit until Jimmy tags back in. Jey slingshots Jimmy to the corner but Tyson dodges and makes the tag. David crushes them both and hypes up as he runs over Jimmy and delivers a huge spinning side suplex. Tamina gets in to break up the cover and Natalya tackles her to the floor. The distraction is enough for a tag to Jey and Jimmy delivers a super kick for a Superfly Splash from Jey for the win.
Winners: Usos

Jericho is in the back talking to Wade and saying it’s all axiomatic. Good word. Jericho walks off to get interviewed but is interrupted by Wade approaching Yoshi Tatsu and trash talking him. Nexus then appears from behind (where do they fucking hide all the time? The tall grass like pokemon?) and they lay a beating on him as we go to commercial. I’m so glad that this segment hasn’t totally gotten really old and boring yet with these guys. Oh wait.

Random Commercial Thought: That chili dog looked pre-eaten.

Back to the show. We get a replay of last week when Ted Dibiase beat Morrison before he and Maryse arrive to talk some shit. Morrison interrupts things in his street clothes but is still rocking some badass slow motion. Morrison says the French don’t take showers. I heard their men chew their underwear. Jonathon Coulton wouldn’t lie to me. Maryse yells at him in French and he translates for her, saying he told us we all stink, but she also resembles a platypus. Ted decides to end the comedy routine and starts stomping into Morrison until he’s beat down. Morrison blocks a Dream Street attempt and a flash kick (seriously, Michael Cole calls it that, and it is Guile’s flash kick). Maybe Morrison should start coming out to Guile’s theme. It goes with everything: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lG06m_NDbM

Anyway, Morrison tries for some Starship Pain, but Maryse pulls Dibiase out of the way and they make their escape to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: *listens to Guile’s Theme*

Back to the show where we get a Brady Bunch parody about Santino and Regal having their own teams. Why was Doink the Clown in there? Oh god, they add a fucking laugh track. Santino talks to Florance in the back with this playing. Santino’s team is Kozlov, Khali, and Goldust. Regal has apparently got Ryder, Doink and Primo. Regal appears and tries his own joke, but gets no laugh track. He gets a bitch slap from mom of the Brady Bunch. I think that’s the most violence she has ever put on TV ever. Santino tries to make out with her. Uh. Creepy. Creepy as fuck.

We are reminded R-Truth won’t be in the Money in the Bank match, but his replacement will be named tonight. This leads into a recap of Edge’s accomplishments at MitB matches.

Random Commercial Thought: Tacos are just never going to top hamburgers. Silly Mexicans.

Back to the show where Edge is arriving for his match with Orton.

Edge vs. Randy Orton

They tie up and just roll around the ring. I mean literally all over. It looks like they are making out. The ref makes them break at the ropes finally…and they immediately do it again. Edge forces Orton to the corner and pummels on him only to have the tables turned. Orton hammers Edge down until the ref drags him off. Orton forces Edge to the apron and starts hammering him in the chest over and over. They get back into the ring, but Edge boots Orton in the jaw before he can get back in, sending him to the floor. Back in the ring now, Edge readies up, but Orton just catches him with a power slam as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Crystal Pepsi has no preservatives.

Back to the show where Orton catches Edge on the top rope, but Edge stops him back in his tracks and grounds Orton with a headlock. Orton counters with a back suplex. Edge gets beat down by Orton on the apron, but puts Orton down with an Edge-o-matic. This only picks up a two count so Edge prepares a spear. Orton crawls up in the corner and knees Edge in the face. Orton prepares for an RKO instead and gets shoved off. Edge misses a spear when Orton leapfrogs over. Orton rolls Edge up out of the corner for two and delivers the inverted backbreaker. Orton signals another RKO but Jericho is trotting out and throws his shirt at Orton. Edge then hits and Edge-o-matic from behind for three.
Winner: Edge

Edge eats a Code Breaker from Jericho, then Orton RKOs him but Bourne comes in and heel kicks him. Bourne goes for a long distance Air Bourne, but Orton springs from dead into an RKO out of the backflip that is just short of FUCKING AWESOME. They replay it as many times as you might expect. Morrison is attacked by Nexus in the back. At least he put up more of a fight than Yoshi Tatsu.

Random Commercial Thought: This show seems to be flying by. I owe it all to Guile’s theme.

Back to the show where The Miz arrives to replay him owning R-Truth. Miz threatens everyone else and gets an AIM message. Cole keeps saying “Can I have your attention please, this is a quote from the General Manager.” The GM says “Just when you think you have the answers, I change the questions.” Oh, so now he’s Rowdy Roddy Piper? Apparently he’s wrestling Henry who is replacing R-Truth. Did we need to replace a good wrestler with a big pile of shit?

US Champion The Miz vs. Mark Henry (Non-Title Match)

Miz’s fist is caught in a punch and he eats a head butt. Miz is tossed into the corner and rebounds into a guerilla press slam. Back on the floor, Miz is sent into the ring apron, but Miz tosses Henry into the GM podium and starts throwing plastic container on him. Oh no not plastic containers! Oh no not trash too! I’m sure it hurts.

Random Commercial Thought: Why is everyone in the goddamn country sick now?

Back to the show where Justin Roberts introduces Florence Henderson. She introduces the Regal Bunch and the Santino Bunch.

Santino Bunch vs. Regal Bunch

This is weird. Regal knocks Santino down with a bunch and knees the crap out of him. Florance taunts at ringside in Regal’s coat. A “We want Doink” chant starts. Santino fires up the cobra behind Regal and stabs him in the face with it, actually hitting. Doink and bunch save the day. Doink tags in and eats a knee from Santino as Khali tags in. Doink stomps on his toes and tries to suplex him. Doesn’t go well. Doink squirts him in the eye while the ref is distracted but he takes a brain chop for three.
Winners Santino Bunch

That was…different. After the match, Flo makes out with Khali. Uh….even creepier. Doesn’t that dude have an abnormally hot wife?

Random Commercial Thought: Twix digs ladder matches?

Back to the show where they hype that Nexus will be on NXT tomorrow. God I don’t care at all. Edge is interviewed in the back claiming he has one more MitB matches than anyone else. I think he’s actually tied at that. The interview drags a bit and he tries to act psychotic. We cut to Bourne getting iced on the neck when Sheamus approaches him. Afterward, he quite predictably gets beat down by Nexus and Sheamus comes back to taunt him some more. The damn Irish! Nexus goes after Sheamus and then they flinch at him, he runs like a baby and screams for someone to show him where Cena’s locker room is. Quickly! We only have seven minutes left to make out!

Random Commercial Thought: Not leaving much time to wrap things up here.

Did nobody think how fucking dumb they all look with that giant N while standing in a row?

Nexus vs. John Cena (6 on 1 Handicap tag Match)

Cena starts off with some Nexus guy I don’t know. He annihilates him in the corner and delivers a suplex before he runs to tag in Gabriel. Gabriel squares off and gets forced to the corner as well. Cena fires off and beats him down before running him over. Shefield tags in now and talks some smack. Shefield forces Cena back in a tie up and tries to push him to the corner. Shefield whips him to the corner but Cena fights out and dances around. Nexus drops to the floor all pissed and try to develop a battle plan. One of them distracts the ref and Slater takes Cena out from behind. Shefield comes in and beats Cena down as I wonder why this doesn’t count as part of the GM stipulation that they have to tag. Slater tags in with a series of back suplexes. Otunga tags in and Cena starts fighting out of the corner, but Otunga drops him.

Otunga delivers a suplex and we are well over time now. Let’s wrap this up, folks. Cena fights off Otunga but Wade tags in. Cena fires up on him and runs into a big boot for his efforts. Cena ducks a clothesline and starts to go into his combo. Cena taunts and delivers a five knuckle shuffle. Wade gets a blind tag from Shefield while Wade eats an FU. Shefield break up a pin and crushes him with a clothesline. Otunga is back in and he sets Cena up for a 450 splash from Gabriel as he tags in and puts things away.
Winners: Nexus

They taunt after the match and stalk over Cena. Cena delivers a surprise punch to Wade and no-sells the beating he just got by rushing for a chair and fending them off. Not like there are more chairs they could get. They surround Cena but Sheamus suddenly rushing the ring with a chair too and helps fend them off. Aw, isn’t that cute? Show over. That was sudden.

Highlight of the Night: Nothing of note really. Doink the Clown?

Lowlight of the Night: Nexus main event. Enough said.

WWE “Creative” Award: Who wrote this Santino/Regal Bunch crap? I didn’t need to see Mrs. Brady make out with Khali….ever.
 

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).