WWE RAW RANT

by Cameron Burge

July 11, 2011

Welcome back to the show, folks. Let’s get right into things. I’m actually pretty excited about tonight’s show for some reason, here’s hoping.

Raw 07.11.11

Punk opens the show by interrupting the intro with his theme and a megaphone. Rumors abound that he plans to redefine how to do a proper snow angel. He talks about how he was suspended and asks if he has our attention now. He says he got in a little bit of trouble for things he said. He mentions the reason he was cut off and says that he brought backup tonight in case his mic is cut off in the megaphone. This gets a CM Punk chant as he runs a siren. Is Scott Stiener here? He says he did something Vince can’t do, by making the show socially relevant in the real world. The only other time it gets attention is when somebody dies. Or murders their whole family. That works too. ESPN is mentioned as well as Jimmy Kimmel as wanting Punk to come on and talk about his promo from two weeks ago. He says Vince wants to resign him. It always makes sense to resign people who make you look like an idiot to your company. Good business.

Punk asks Vince to come to the ring tonight for the first ever live contract negotiation to see if he will resign with the WWE. Punk says he might make Vince join the CM Punk Kiss My Ass club when he is interrupted by Cena. Punk yells over his music with his megaphone with “Sir, I’m afraid your music is just too loud, I’m trying to talk.” Cena tells them to cut his microphone off as Punk celebrates Cena’s appearance. Punk says he’ll change the title when he wins it because it has been far too ugly for far too long. We can only hope. Dueling chants over Cena and Punk fight in the background. Punk says Cena won’t really get fired because that lasted about seven days the last time before Vine caved and panicked.

They both argue about who the best is. Clearly that is actually Funaki. Cena lists off Angle, Michaels, Guerrero, JBL, Edge, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, and Batista all thought they were the best too. Cena says he is coming to the PPV to kick his ass when the GM and Cole get a huge heel pop for interrupting. Has King said a single word yet tonight? I don’t think so. Vince is announced as being on the way to negotiate with Punk and since this might be Cena’s last night on Raw, he’ll be having a match up next. A very “special” match that I assume means it might teach us why drugs are bad and we shouldn’t talk to strangers.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m made of cheese.

Back to the show where Cena questions if it will be a lingerie pillow fight. Instead he’s taking on the tag team champs. They are dead.

WWE Tag Team Champions David Otunga & Michael McStupidName vs. WWE Champion John Cena

Cena delivers some arm drags to Otunga and takes him down with a headlock. Mike tags in and eats a dropkick. They both run to the floor to look as inept as fucking possible as they run scared like little wee babies.

Random Commercial Thought: Burn Notice is kind of weird now that he’s pretty much won.

We return to a fucking history lesson about WWE by Michael Cole while John Cena is getting beat down in the corner by Mike. Otunga tags in and stomps him out before distracting the ref for some choking by Mike. Cole says MicMahon will do everything to protect the WWE title, because it’s so important that he had it turned into a blinged out spinner belt. It’s as important as the flag you know, which is why we release a new one every ten years. Cena turns the tide on Mike with suplex and goes into his offenses. He hits the shuffle and goes for an FU, but Otunga makes the save and they manage to pick up a two count on Cena.

Mike sets Cena up top, but this goes about as well as you might expect, aka, he gets thrown right the fuck off and eats the guillotine leg drop. I typed that before any of it happened. Cena kicks Otiunga off the apron and locks on an STF, but Otunga breaks it up. They beat him down in the corner together, but the ref decides the five second rule is fucking bullshit. Cena decides selling is for pussies and dodges a corner splash by Otunga to deliver the FU to Mike. He chucks Otunga and gets the three.

Winner: Cena

Can Otunga and Mike breathe all the way down there? You know, if WWE would bill Mike as “Joe Hennig” people would actually care who the fuck he is.

Random Commercial Thought: Why won’t any hotdog company do like Dominos and tell me where their ingredients fucking come from?

Back to the show where they try really hard to make us want to see a Big Show vs. Mark Henry match. Cole grins like a doofus when King tells him not to ever dishonor Gorilla Monsoon by quoting him before we watch a video package about it. Dolph and Vickie are practicing a speech Dolph will give to Vince with Vickie as Vince. He wants to make the US Title the main title on the show if Punk wins. Drew McIntyre shows up to give his own Vince impression. They both get over the top and Dolph tells what he really thinks. You know where there this is really going. Dead possum breath wrapped in a diaper soaked in vomit. Lovely. Hey guess what? He’s right behind them! Vince says Drew and Dolph are some of his fastest rising stars. If by fast rising, you mean, Drew has been miring in losses to Zack Ryder on Superstars for half of a year. Vince wants them to had a huge match against Big Show then asks for a mint before they all run off.

Our backstage interviewer was hovering around like a fucking vulture asks Vince to tell the world what he thinks about the contract negotiations. He tells the world to go to hell. We’re already there. Kelly Kelly is here with her ever shrinking bikini top. Help me.

Random Commercial Thought: We need more gorillas.

Melina still has a job? The Bellas are on commentary.

Diva’s Champion Kelly Kelly vs. Melina (Non-Title Match)

If I squint really hard maybe I can pretend this is Natalya vs. Beth Phoenix. Melina works a lazy nerve hold after a headlock take down. Kelly escapes and runs her down with clotheslines. The frame rate on this broadcast is fucking terrible for some reason. Kelly does her handspring elbow and the stink face before botching a neck breaker. They fuck around for a bit before she does her new crappy rocker dropper for the win.

Winner: Kelly

The Bellas decide that since they can’t make fun of Kelly for being fat, they decide to make fun of her for being too fat. They botch Katy Perry’s name. Eve has to make the save for a beat down again, but it goes badly with her eating X-pac’s finisher from a Bella.

Random Commercial Thought: Rey’s DVD shows his rich Mexican heritage by juxtaposing his traditional Aztec headdress with his goofy Captain America outfit.

Back to the show where we get a replay of Mix jobbing to Riley last week. Miz comes to the ring with the most unlikely number of ladders now set up around it and the briefcase hanging over head. Miz climbs up and sits on the ladder which requires the camera to pan out. This is an excuse for every retard in the audience to stand up and sling their arms around over head like they are having a fucking epileptic seizure. Miz says he’s been there before in a way no other people in the match ever have, because they’ve only ever been close and he has what it takes to be a winner and a champion. He says he still has what it takes to be a champion.

Jack Swagger interrupts Miz’s declaration of being awesome and questions Miz’s call that he’s the future. I like how both these guys have done nothing but job over and over recently. Swagger reminds Miz he won a MitB match too to become a champion. Evan appears to say he’s tired of hearing about what people have done. He says he’s going to climb the ladder, go air born and win….which begs the question how the fuck he can win while flying through the air. Kofi gets a cheap pop by name-dropping Edge when he comes out and is then interrupted by Bondage Leath R-Truth. He’s pissed that he wasn’t granted a title shot for free and instead has to climb a fucking ladder and climb a briefcase while he has acrophobia. Cole calls that fear of spiders because he’s a fucking dumbass…..then Cole makes an Arachniphobia reference himself saying there won’t be any spiders.

Truth says if he sees a spider in the briefcase, it’s gonna get got. I did that to the shower door the other day. Alex riley charges the ring and just chases off Miz. He says nothing before Alberto dries in. Ricado says something generic before the GM makes a six man tag between the faces and heels minus Alberto.

Random Commercial Thought: Big Show, my Wichita homeboy will be on Burn Notice.

Evan Bourne & Alex Riley & Kofi Kingston vs. The Miz & Jack Swagger & R-Truth

Back to the match in progress. Evan is getting wrecked and Miz runs him down with a big boot. Miz picks up two before tagging out to Truth who delivers some cheap shots. Cole proves he is still retarded by mixing up Arachnophobia and Acrophobia again. Truth wrestles Bourne down with a headlock. Swagger gets in a cheap shot and Truth slams Bourne hard for another two count. Bourne gets choked out on the ropes as it feels like they are just killing time. Truth bombs a scissor kick and eats a huge heel kick from Evan. Kofi is in and tears up Truth with clothesline sand dropkicks. He fired up for the boom drop and signals Trouble in Paradise. Kofi takes Swagger off the apron, but Truth gets him from behind.

Kofi flip kicks in the corner on a charge from Truth and comes off the top for a two count. Miz breaks up the pin before Truth and Kofi botch a clothesline over the ropes with Kofi instead going through the ropes to send us to ANOTHING FUCKING COMMERCIAL BREAK in the middle of the match.

Random Commercial Thought: I live here.

Back to the show where Truth is working a head scissor on Kofi. Swagger tags in and starts to double team, but Kofi rallies and beats both men back with kicks before double DDTing them when they go for a suplex. Kofi makes the tag to Riley who spears Swagger into some punches. He runs him down a few times and hit’s a spine buster while screaming as hard as he can and tossing Miz into the ring. Riley goes for a neck breaker on Swagger, but Truth jumps him. Bourne leaps into Truth to send the both out. Swagger goes for the corner splash, but he lands his face right on Riley’s boot and it’s countered into the DDT for three.

Winner: Riley, Kofi & Evan

Everyone takes turns hitting their finishers on each other after the match. Alberto stops an Air Bourne on Truth by chucking him to the floor and brings in a ladder to beat down everyone with it. We get a Del Rio chant which I never thought I would hear before a video package about Punk, Cena and Vince. Dolph and Drew come out to take on Big Show….but not until more advertisements in case you had forgotten you are watching this on TV.

Random Commercial Thought: Celebrity Trading Places or whatever it might be called sounds like it was written by the devil.

US Champion Dolph Ziggler & Drew McIntyre w/ Vickie Guerrero vs. The Big Show

Ziggler starts out, takes a look at show and wisely tags out. Drew walks in like an idiot and gets mowed down. Show knocks Dolph off the apron too. Hilariously Drew is yelling “AHG, you are kidding me!” in the thickest accent. Vickie consoles Dolph while Drew gets his shit wrecked to the floor. Show tosses him by the hair with one hand into the ring barricade and chases him down the ring entrance while Dolph hides behind the ring entrance. Show continues to beat his ass all the way up the ring entrance for a double countout. Fuck. Me.

Winner: Nobody

Show slams Drew into the WWE logo. Show goes for a choke slam off the stage when Mark Henry comes out nowhere and tackles him off the stage clearly onto a padded area. The last time Henry ran that fast Popeye’s had chicken on sale.

Random Commercial Thought: My god, they were nearly slightly discomforted by that fall!

Back to the show where we see Mark Henry undergoing his usual morning ritual of being helped out of bed. Because wrestling is for pussies, here’s a MitB video package to kill time.

Random Commercial Thought: Yeah. I can hardly believe it too.

Back to the show where you won’t miss a fucking second of mediocre comedy. Vince comes out as Cole sings his praises and says Vince will probably shake his hand. He just snubs him and shakes some other jackass’ hand at ringside. Vince botches Punk’s name and invites him out while asking what CM stands for. Cum Master? Cunt Mangler? Cock Mongler? Punk, who knows how to wear fucking pants in his off time and comes out imitating Vince’s walk. Vince sis down while Punk walks around him asking if he’s really going to go through with this. Vince calls him Phil and says if we’re going to open stuff up then let’s do that. Vince says he put everything in the contract that he wants and Punk says his lawyers already looked over the contract and have made revisions that he’s already signed if Vince will also sign it.

Provision one is that he can push Vince. Punk says he’ll push him all he wants, then kick him in the nuts while he smiles and likes it cause otherwise he’ll shred the contract and leave with the title. He wants a jet (hi, Brock!), and his face on everything. The Titantron, turnbuckles, spoons, knives, forks and everything. He also wants the WWE ice cream bars back which gets the biggest pop of anything tonight. It also provides that he wants in the Mania main event instead of the Rock. He also demands an apology to himself and all the fans for being a hypocrite and says he’s the biggest bully ever, so his anti-bullying campaign is bullshit. The crowd chants for Punk. Punk says he’s had very talented friends, stars being fired for no reason. Vince says they deserved it as Punk lists off Luke Gallows and Cabana. He says he’s the voice of the voiceless and Vince will like it. Punk tosses the table as the crowd chants “We Want Ice Cream.”

Vince says he doesn’t give a damn. Punk says he may be a bad guy, but he’s in touch with the people and they want an apology. Vince finally relents and apologizes before Punk demands Vince sign it. A Colt Cabana chant starts up as Vince is about to sign. Cena comes out and says Punk plans to walk out on these people who love him and says Vince is caving to a terrorist. We should bomb Chicago. Cena says he hates Vince too and wants to rip his face off with his bare hands. He mentions making a floor mat of his face and wiping shit on it and peeing on it. Eesh. Harsh. Cena says the people paid to be here tonight, but apparently they didn’t pay to see any fucking matches I guess.

Cena compares Punk to the Rock who said he was never leaving again before not showing up again. He says Punk just wants to leave and walk out so his demands are impossible on purpose. Punk mentions how much is sucked to be holding a tommy gun to watch Cena just march to the ring and wrestle. He makes fun of Cena thinking he’s an underdog all the time when he’s fucking super man. Hey, that really was Mr. Cena at ringside earlier. The one who got kicked earlier. Punk says he’s the real underdog and Cena is just the fucking Patriots. He accuses Cena of being the Yankees and apparently that was the fucking line as he gets decked. Punk leaves and takes his contract back. He cuts off Cena’s theme to say something else.

Punk says he’s tired of this and Cena and he’s just tired. He says he’ll be leaving and go be the best in the world somewhere else as he tears up the contract and leaves us.

Highlight of the Night: The Ending segment was the only thing worth watching from this show.

Lowlight of the Night: The 100,000 commercials.

WWE “Creative” Award: Whoever books Kelly Kelly matches.

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.