I believe I’ve mentioned
before that I think NCIS is one of the worst, yet
most popular shows on television these days. The
episode I hade to suffer through before this proved
that amnesia can actually be healed by a slap to the
head. Not to the amnesia sufferer, but by them to
someone else. Makes perfect sense. Tonight, we
continue the Nexus Minus Daniel Bryan storyline.
There is no other hype for tonight’s show other than
the GM supposedly handing down punishment to Nexus.
I’m sure it will be severe /sarcasm. That is, except
for an Eve/Alicia rematch. I’m not sure if that
counts as hype or a threat.
Show opens without
fanfare to Wade Barrett and Nexus who tells us that
they cannot currently reveal why they attacked Vince
because it is park of a bigger picture. They plan to
call it Crazy Stairs. He says McMahon believed he
controlled them, but things changed very quickly.
Shefield then comes forward to say they beat up the
Legends for fun because there was a loophole in the
GM ruling that allowed them to attack them. He says
everyone loved every second of it. Actually, I got
up and got something to eat, and it was still
dragging on endless. I’m pretty sure as many people
as possible went to take a piss in the crowd too. He
says they boosted the DVD sales so they should be
thanked for the ass-kicking. The E-mail sound goes
off and now we have light flashing for it too. This
is getting ridiculous. Now Michael Cole has two
microphones. The punishment is that no one in Nexus
can compete for a WWE title until further notice and
furthermore the ruling
from interacting with Nexus is lifted. On cue, John
Cena says the one thing they
haven’t done yet is get themselves into a fair fight
so it needs to be seven on seven. Bourne, Truth, The
Dynast, Morrison and Orton arrive to back up, but
Sheamus, Dibiase, The Usos, Jericho, Miz and Edge
attack from behind and beat them into the ring. The
faces prevail but Cena delivers an FU to an Uso.
Sheamus makes a good point that Cena is the guy who
always gets attacked (must be racist against black
people). Sheamus says he and his associates decline
any assault on Nexus. Orton says he isn’t Cena’s
friend but they have to be for now. Orton asks if
Edge forgot that he got his ass beat at the Fatal
Four Way too. Orton then demands a finish between
the fourteen of them. There are way too many fucking
people in the ring. Looks like the Royal Rumble.
Another critical lighting failure signals the GM
saying they can’t fight right now because the MitB
members will be up against each other in a series of
matches. Cena will take on Wade Barrett, but not in
a match, it will be them shaking hands and calling a
truce. WWE RAW! Solving problems through peace and
understanding! HARDCOOOOOORE. Cena asks if it would
count if he just knocks out his teeth with the hand
instead. The e-mail actually replies (I think the GM
is just a sentient computer virus at this point).
The GM wants Cena to be the bigger man here and will
trust he will do the right thing, but if he doesn’t
he will be met with consequences “Because that’s the
bottom line and the GM said so.” Huh. I don’t
Random Commercial Thought: Oh
god...there’s taco everywhere.
Back to the
show, where Morrison is coming to the ring for the
first match of the night to take on Ted Dibiase.
Ted Dibiase w/ Maryse vs. John Morrison
Maryse tries to deny being a gold digger while
sporting rocks bigger than most men’s (but on her
fingers, which just brings even creepier things to
mind). Ted is wrestling with John pretty nicely
until he manages to heft him up and drop him on the
ropes for a two count. Ted taunts and eats a shot to
the gut. Morrison rolls over Ted into a cover for
two. Morrison delivers some clotheslines and a side
dropkick for two more. Ted comes back with a sloppy
as hell scoop slam that just looks like he kind of
rolled over for two. Morrison delivers an enziguiri
and a standing ten count ensues. Maryse steals
Morrison’s jacket and taunts on the apron so Dibaise
thumbs him in the eye to get Dream Street on after a
long amount of time of retarded fumbling that looks
more like a man who has had his eyes gauged from his
skull rather than being poked in one.
Maryse tosses the jacket on Morrison after the
match. Santino and Vladimir are in the back saying
Italy and Russia are back together again, just like
World War II without the Nazis. Best thing I’ve ever
heard. Ever. Vlad says if they lose he will beat the
shit out of Santino for it. And now, a replay of
Cena getting beat up by Nexus because this is SUPER
Random Commercial Thought: Last
Airbender is probably an even worse game than it is
Back to the show where we replay how
Vlad and Santino ended up together before they come
to the ring. Cole feels the need to inform us that
Italy and Russia weren’t allies like we are
retarded. Regal apparently got Khali to team with
him but his manager is still around despite the fact
he talked mad shit on him last week.
William Regal & The Great Khali w/ Ranjan Sing(sp?)
vs. Vladimir Kozlov & Santino Marella
Vlad outwrestles Regal and works a front facelock
before Santino demands a tag. He delivers a double
ax handle off the bottom rope instead of the top.
Santino delivers some bad kicks to nothing before
firing up the cobra and being run down. Santino gets
suplexed and tags in Vlad who crushes Regal with a
Sambo for three.
Winners: Vlad & Santino
Khali gets in the ring and demands Regal be picked
up so he delivers a brain chop and dances with the
other foreigners. Kind of funny how the foreigners
are usually always heels, but now we have this. More
super serious time to talk about Nexus attacks.
Random Commercial Thought: I’ve found that telling
men their daughter is a whore works well for getting
to meet their other offspring.
After a video
of Ricky being beaten we see Arn talking about Ricky
being in serious condition when Sheamus appears and
tells him to cry like a baby as if he’s the adult
version of that asshole from A Christmas Story. Arn
tells him that the company is in danger and he needs
to team up and lead the others or let it crumble
around him. Arn says he doesn’t get it and wanders
off. I can’t believe how many southern euphemisms he
was able to fit into that speech he gave. It was
like making up for years without JR in a few
Random Commercial Thought: I need a
When we return, we get a flashback to
when Lex Luger suplexed Yokozuna on an American
Warship then ran around in the Lex Express and was a
general over-inflated douche bag. We thankfully come
back to R-Truth’s entrance already in progress,
saving us some of the torture. Miz raps his own way
to the ring. It was okay. Not quite Eminem. Maybe
John Cena or Vanilla Ice. He does his “I’m Awesome”
but cuts it short by slamming the microphone into
the top of Truth’s head and kicking him to the
floor. Truth has his arm slammed into the steps and
then the ring post. We still haven’t started this
match, but who needs matches anymore I guess. Miz
keep working the arm over the ring edge and ropes
before Truth is carted off. Miz says this is what
he’s going to do to everyone who steps in the ring
with him, because he’s awesome. Somebody just put
the awesome face on all his ring gear already.
Random Commercial Thought: I know a few schmucks.
Most of them are reading this article. HEYOOOO!
(Seriously though, I love you, mom.)
the show. We see the replay of the Mix attacking
R-Truth for about the fourth or fifth time. WWE RAW!
Action for those with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Here’s Edge, but don’t think it’s for an actual
match; instead it’s the Cutting Edge. Yeah, I didn’t
care either. You can pretty much predict what he’s
going to say about the MitB match and his guests are
Evan Bourne and Chris Jericho. He introduces Bourne
first, but Jericho comes out first, and he didn’t
just miss his cue or anything. Jericho demands to
not take a back seat to anyone (especially women?).
Jericho says he is shamelessly pandering to Nexus in
hopes they won’t attack him. Jericho takes credit
for Wade’s success in NXT. They have a one-upmanship
contest. Jericho points out how Edge just copies
everything he does, right down to the hair and talk
show. Good point. This just in, Obama just wants to
be Bill Cosby. Bill Cosby is black, all of a sudden
Obama is black! Edge
gets tired of hearing it
and beats on Jericho, setting up some ladders.
Jericho catches him in the Walls in the center of
the ring though only for Evan Bourne to appear and
take out Jericho. He then ducks and dodges their
attempts to catch him.
The lights indicate
the GM wants to know if we want action, if so to
give a Hell Yeah. Huh. I still don’t get it. Evan
will be teaming with Randy Orton against the two of
them. Orton was apparently just chilling right
behind the curtain, already oiled up and ready to
wrestle so he comes out immediately to join Bourne
in the ring.
Random Commercial Thought:
Rihanna songs make shitty trailer music.
Evan Bourne & Randy Orton vs. Chris Jericho & Edge
Bourne is getting stabbed in the eye, but apparently
this doesn’t flat out kill him like it did Morrison.
He always knew those cataracts would pay off some
day. Bourne comes back by kicking Jericho into the
corner and delivering his slingshot body slam. Orton
tags in after some more kicks and delivers uppercuts
in the corner. The crowd is huge for Orton tonight
and seems to be extremely heavily female too if any
of the squealing is any indicator. Orton whips
Jericho to the corner and sets up for an RKO but
Jericho dives to a tag. Edge is in and he wins out
early, but gets crushed with a clothesline.
Apparently WWE is going to Atlanta, and we fail to
mention the most famous wrestler to hail from there.
Can’t imagine why. Something about murder?
Orton runs Edge over some more and taunts Jericho
before tagging out to Bourne. Bourne delivers a
baseball slide out of a drop toe hold by Orton and
picks up two. Orton wasn’t in long, but he already
did more than his one move he did last week. Edge
tries to come back but Bourne kicks his knees out.
Edge hobbles to a tag and Jericho’s legs get hobbled
as well. Jericho gets distracted by Orton and starts
to shout at him so he eats a baseball slide form
Bourne followed by a suicide dive. Orton stares and
licks his lips. Some might say it’s a predatory
stare of the viper wanting to strike, others might
think he’s just turned on by oily men in tights.
Jericho comes back with a clothesline back in the
ring as we go to commercial.
Commercial Thought: Superbad is not a word.
Back to the show. Bourne is being worked over in a
bear hug by Edge, but he squirms free and delivers
some kicks but Edge lands the Edge-o-matic for a
quick two count. Jericho is back in now and a back
breaker submission follows. I never have understood
this hold as their feet are still on the fucking
ground. Bourne finally kicks his way free, but Edge
gets the tag and blocks Bourne from making his.
Bourne knees his way out of a suplex as King says
he’s never seen that done before. Except in every
Evan Bourne match ever. The tags are made and Orton
runs Jericho down and lands the power slam. Jericho
gets caught in the suspended DDT when climbing to
his feet and is planted.
Randy signals an
RKO, but Edge stops it from behind. Jericho comes
from behind with the running enziguiri before making
the tag to Edge. Edge stomps on Orton’s arm
and quickly trades with Jericho to choke while the
ref is distracted. Orton fights out of the heel
corner but a big dropkick from Jericho scores a two
count. Best dropkick since Bob Holly? Oh good,
headlocks. I was starting to get excited. Jericho
hits his bulldog, but he completely bombs the
lionsault. Edge seems reluctant to tag but he comes
in against Bourne who kicks the shit out of him. A
wheel kick crushes Edge, but Edge blocks a cross
body out of the corner with a kick to the
midsection. Jericho tags himself in all angry and
walks right into a high kick from Bourne. Edge is
pissed and spears Jericho before leaving as Bourne
puts it away with Air Bourne.
Winners: Orton &
Orton RKOs him after the match for the
hell of it. In case you were in a coma during the
last twenty seconds, they play it again and then
play the John Cena beatdown again for those of you
who were in a coma for the last several weeks.
Random Commercial Thought: all of our campaign
videos are about the candidates complaining they are
slinging mud by slinging more mud.
approached in the back by Nexus who imply that Orton
should ditch Cena because they could own him even if
he wins MitB, but could help him take out the winner
of the cage match. They tell him to think twice and
he tells them to piss off. They then reveal R-Truth
is out of MitB due to injury. They run down the card
for the PPV, including Rey’s match with Kurt Angl-I
mean Jack Swagger. Roberts says in the back that the
GM said the Usos are getting another title shot,
despite not having wrestled A SINGLE FUCKING MATCH
AGAINST ANYONE ELSE. They imply that white people
thing all black people look alike. Classy. Alicia
then shows up to complain that she hasn’t been
interviewed since winning the title. She asks if we
don’t care what she has to say. I care about her
titties. She says her victory was not a fluke and we
are threatened with that rematch some more.
Random Commercial Thought: Real Housewives should be
renamed Rich Bitches.
Back to the show. We
get a replay of Summerslam, Bret Hart against The
Bulldog in an Intercontinental Title match back when
it meant something and had good matches.
Alicia is already dancing about in the ring and we
get Eve shortly after.
Eve Torres vs. Diva’s Champion Alicia Fox (Diva’s
Eve flips over Alicia
early and delivers he one legged dropkicks that suck
so fucking horribly. Eve picks up a two count.
Alicia holds her leg like an African soccer player
and Eve keep trying to get in on her but Eve is held
back by the ref to huge boos. Finally. after begging
the ref to keep going, Eve rushes in to a kick to
the gut and eats a scissor kick.
Not a bad scissor kick actually, good air on the
kick. I don’t think I’ve ever even seen Booker T.
get that much air on one. More Nexus on Cena
footage. I’m beginning to wonder why I have to keep
seeing this. I know it happened. I’ve seen Gabriel’s
450 splash. I get it.
Thought: All I can eat? You don’t know what you just
got yourself into, homes.
Back to the show
for the EPIC HANDSHAKE OF DESTINY. Cole tells us
that Edge and Orton will face off next week. Wade
Barrett makes his way to the ring now. Buy some
pants you fuck. Wade says everything has had a
purpose again, but Cena’s position is just
unfortunate. Cena arrives and checks around some
corners first before making his way to the ring.
Wade says Cena is not in their future plans. He then
goes on to make thinly veiled threats, which is of
course the best way to get someone to shake your
hand that I’ve ever thought of. Cena only agrees
that there is no more attacks. Well maybe a little
attack...could they beat up Michael Cole? Cena
offers the hand out and then pulls back saying they
shouldn’t stop then they are having so much fun.
Cena tells him to take everything and shove it up
their “Nexus”. He meant asshole right? Asshole?
Cena says he’ll take them all down and will get
to every single one of them, and that is the future
for them. Wade says the only reason he is capable of
standing in the ring is testament to the fact of
what they could do to him if they wanted. Wade
demands a handshake, OR ELSE. Cena finally shakes it
after I screamed at him to do so and scoops Wade up
into an FU. Nexus attacks though and beats him down.
Bourne comes to the rescue. Yeah, that went well.
Morrison tries his hand and Mark Henry arrives with
Khali, Goldust, and the rest of the locker room. I
just wanted to mention it was Goldust in there. That
amuses me. We get an e-mail and Cole tells everyone
to hold on their asskickings for a second. The GM
says: “I wanted peace, so if things don’t stop now
there will be consequences.” Cena then puts an STF
on Young who was left behind by Nexus in the ring.
Another e-mail responds with the GM saying that Cena
will now face all of Nexus next week in a handicap
match. Young crawls away so Cena kicks his ass some
more. He tosses Young into the ring post, hits him
with stairs and destroys the announce desk on him
before celebrating as the show goes off the air and
he makes his angry face.
Highlight of the Night: Orton and Bourne
put on the best entertainment of the night. Not much
else was of note.
Lowlight of the Night: Diva’s rematch was
uninspiring and pointless as the last match of the
“Creative” Award: The main event is a
handshake? A motherfucking handshake?