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WWE
RAW RANT:
(07/06/10)
By Cameron Burge

I believe I’ve mentioned before that I think NCIS is one of the worst, yet most popular shows on television these days. The episode I hade to suffer through before this proved that amnesia can actually be healed by a slap to the head. Not to the amnesia sufferer, but by them to someone else. Makes perfect sense. Tonight, we continue the Nexus Minus Daniel Bryan storyline. There is no other hype for tonight’s show other than the GM supposedly handing down punishment to Nexus. I’m sure it will be severe /sarcasm. That is, except for an Eve/Alicia rematch. I’m not sure if that counts as hype or a threat.

Raw 07.05.10

Show opens without fanfare to Wade Barrett and Nexus who tells us that they cannot currently reveal why they attacked Vince because it is park of a bigger picture. They plan to call it Crazy Stairs. He says McMahon believed he controlled them, but things changed very quickly. Shefield then comes forward to say they beat up the Legends for fun because there was a loophole in the GM ruling that allowed them to attack them. He says everyone loved every second of it. Actually, I got up and got something to eat, and it was still dragging on endless. I’m pretty sure as many people as possible went to take a piss in the crowd too. He says they boosted the DVD sales so they should be thanked for the ass-kicking. The E-mail sound goes off and now we have light flashing for it too. This is getting ridiculous. Now Michael Cole has two microphones. The punishment is that no one in Nexus can compete for a WWE title until further notice and furthermore the ruling
 protecting superstars from interacting with Nexus is lifted. On cue, John Cena arrives.

Cena says the one thing they haven’t done yet is get themselves into a fair fight so it needs to be seven on seven. Bourne, Truth, The Dynast, Morrison and Orton arrive to back up, but Sheamus, Dibiase, The Usos, Jericho, Miz and Edge attack from behind and beat them into the ring. The faces prevail but Cena delivers an FU to an Uso. Sheamus makes a good point that Cena is the guy who always gets attacked (must be racist against black people). Sheamus says he and his associates decline any assault on Nexus. Orton says he isn’t Cena’s friend but they have to be for now. Orton asks if Edge forgot that he got his ass beat at the Fatal Four Way too. Orton then demands a finish between the fourteen of them. There are way too many fucking people in the ring. Looks like the Royal Rumble.

Another critical lighting failure signals the GM saying they can’t fight right now because the MitB members will be up against each other in a series of matches. Cena will take on Wade Barrett, but not in a match, it will be them shaking hands and calling a truce. WWE RAW! Solving problems through peace and understanding! HARDCOOOOOORE. Cena asks if it would count if he just knocks out his teeth with the hand instead. The e-mail actually replies (I think the GM is just a sentient computer virus at this point). The GM wants Cena to be the bigger man here and will trust he will do the right thing, but if he doesn’t he will be met with consequences “Because that’s the bottom line and the GM said so.”  Huh. I don’t get it.

Random Commercial Thought: Oh god...there’s taco everywhere.

Back to the show, where Morrison is coming to the ring for the first match of the night to take on Ted Dibiase.

Ted Dibiase w/ Maryse vs. John Morrison

Maryse tries to deny being a gold digger while sporting rocks bigger than most men’s (but on her fingers, which just brings even creepier things to mind). Ted is wrestling with John pretty nicely until he manages to heft him up and drop him on the ropes for a two count. Ted taunts and eats a shot to the gut. Morrison rolls over Ted into a cover for two. Morrison delivers some clotheslines and a side dropkick for two more. Ted comes back with a sloppy as hell scoop slam that just looks like he kind of rolled over for two. Morrison delivers an enziguiri and a standing ten count ensues. Maryse steals Morrison’s jacket and taunts on the apron so Dibaise thumbs him in the eye to get Dream Street on after a long amount of time of retarded fumbling that looks more like a man who has had his eyes gauged from his skull rather than being poked in one.
Winner: Ted

Maryse tosses the jacket on Morrison after the match. Santino and Vladimir are in the back saying Italy and Russia are back together again, just like World War II without the Nazis. Best thing I’ve ever heard. Ever. Vlad says if they lose he will beat the shit out of Santino for it. And now, a replay of Cena getting beat up by Nexus because this is SUPER SERIOUS.

Random Commercial Thought: Last Airbender is probably an even worse game than it is a movie.

Back to the show where we replay how Vlad and Santino ended up together before they come to the ring. Cole feels the need to inform us that Italy and Russia weren’t allies like we are retarded. Regal apparently got Khali to team with him but his manager is still around despite the fact he talked mad shit on him last week.

William Regal & The Great Khali w/ Ranjan Sing(sp?) vs. Vladimir Kozlov & Santino Marella

Vlad outwrestles Regal and works a front facelock before Santino demands a tag. He delivers a double ax handle off the bottom rope instead of the top. Santino delivers some bad kicks to nothing before firing up the cobra and being run down. Santino gets suplexed and tags in Vlad who crushes Regal with a Sambo for three.
Winners: Vlad & Santino

Khali gets in the ring and demands Regal be picked up so he delivers a brain chop and dances with the other foreigners. Kind of funny how the foreigners are usually always heels, but now we have this. More super serious time to talk about Nexus attacks.

Random Commercial Thought: I’ve found that telling men their daughter is a whore works well for getting to meet their other offspring.

After a video of Ricky being beaten we see Arn talking about Ricky being in serious condition when Sheamus appears and tells him to cry like a baby as if he’s the adult version of that asshole from A Christmas Story. Arn tells him that the company is in danger and he needs to team up and lead the others or let it crumble around him. Arn says he doesn’t get it and wanders off. I can’t believe how many southern euphemisms he was able to fit into that speech he gave. It was like making up for years without JR in a few minutes.

Random Commercial Thought: I need a drink.

When we return, we get a flashback to when Lex Luger suplexed Yokozuna on an American Warship then ran around in the Lex Express and was a general over-inflated douche bag. We thankfully come back to R-Truth’s entrance already in progress, saving us some of the torture. Miz raps his own way to the ring. It was okay. Not quite Eminem. Maybe John Cena or Vanilla Ice. He does his “I’m Awesome” but cuts it short by slamming the microphone into the top of Truth’s head and kicking him to the floor. Truth has his arm slammed into the steps and then the ring post. We still haven’t started this match, but who needs matches anymore I guess. Miz keep working the arm over the ring edge and ropes before Truth is carted off. Miz says this is what he’s going to do to everyone who steps in the ring with him, because he’s awesome. Somebody just put the awesome face on all his ring gear already.

Random Commercial Thought: I know a few schmucks. Most of them are reading this article. HEYOOOO! (Seriously though, I love you, mom.)

Back to the show. We see the replay of the Mix attacking R-Truth for about the fourth or fifth time. WWE RAW! Action for those with Attention Deficit Disorder. Here’s Edge, but don’t think it’s for an actual match; instead it’s the Cutting Edge. Yeah, I didn’t care either. You can pretty much predict what he’s going to say about the MitB match and his guests are Evan Bourne and Chris Jericho. He introduces Bourne first, but Jericho comes out first, and he didn’t just miss his cue or anything. Jericho demands to not take a back seat to anyone (especially women?). Jericho says he is shamelessly pandering to Nexus in hopes they won’t attack him. Jericho takes credit for Wade’s success in NXT. They have a one-upmanship contest. Jericho points out how Edge just copies everything he does, right down to the hair and talk show. Good point. This just in, Obama just wants to be Bill Cosby. Bill Cosby is black, all of a sudden Obama is black! Edge
 gets tired of hearing it and beats on Jericho, setting up some ladders. Jericho catches him in the Walls in the center of the ring though only for Evan Bourne to appear and take out Jericho. He then ducks and dodges their attempts to catch him.

The lights indicate the GM wants to know if we want action, if so to give a Hell Yeah. Huh. I still don’t get it. Evan will be teaming with Randy Orton against the two of them. Orton was apparently just chilling right behind the curtain, already oiled up and ready to wrestle so he comes out immediately to join Bourne in the ring.

Random Commercial Thought: Rihanna songs make shitty trailer music.

Evan Bourne & Randy Orton vs. Chris Jericho & Edge

Bourne is getting stabbed in the eye, but apparently this doesn’t flat out kill him like it did Morrison. He always knew those cataracts would pay off some day. Bourne comes back by kicking Jericho into the corner and delivering his slingshot body slam. Orton tags in after some more kicks and delivers uppercuts in the corner. The crowd is huge for Orton tonight and seems to be extremely heavily female too if any of the squealing is any indicator. Orton whips Jericho to the corner and sets up for an RKO but Jericho dives to a tag. Edge is in and he wins out early, but gets crushed with a clothesline. Apparently WWE is going to Atlanta, and we fail to mention the most famous wrestler to hail from there. Can’t imagine why. Something about murder?

Orton runs Edge over some more and taunts Jericho before tagging out to Bourne. Bourne delivers a baseball slide out of a drop toe hold by Orton and picks up two. Orton wasn’t in long, but he already did more than his one move he did last week. Edge tries to come back but Bourne kicks his knees out. Edge hobbles to a tag and Jericho’s legs get hobbled as well. Jericho gets distracted by Orton and starts to shout at him so he eats a baseball slide form Bourne followed by a suicide dive. Orton stares and licks his lips. Some might say it’s a predatory stare of the viper wanting to strike, others might think he’s just turned on by oily men in tights. Jericho comes back with a clothesline back in the ring as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Superbad is not a word.

Back to the show. Bourne is being worked over in a bear hug by Edge, but he squirms free and delivers some kicks but Edge lands the Edge-o-matic for a quick two count. Jericho is back in now and a back breaker submission follows. I never have understood this hold as their feet are still on the fucking ground. Bourne finally kicks his way free, but Edge gets the tag and blocks Bourne from making his. Bourne knees his way out of a suplex as King says he’s never seen that done before. Except in every Evan Bourne match ever. The tags are made and Orton runs Jericho down and lands the power slam. Jericho gets caught in the suspended DDT when climbing to his feet and is planted.

Randy signals an RKO, but Edge stops it from behind. Jericho comes from behind with the running enziguiri before making the tag to Edge.  Edge stomps on Orton’s arm and quickly trades with Jericho to choke while the ref is distracted. Orton fights out of the heel corner but a big dropkick from Jericho scores a two count. Best dropkick since Bob Holly? Oh good, headlocks. I was starting to get excited. Jericho hits his bulldog, but he completely bombs the lionsault. Edge seems reluctant to tag but he comes in against Bourne who kicks the shit out of him. A wheel kick crushes Edge, but Edge blocks a cross body out of the corner with a kick to the midsection. Jericho tags himself in all angry and walks right into a high kick from Bourne. Edge is pissed and spears Jericho before leaving as Bourne puts it away with Air Bourne.
Winners: Orton & Bourne

Orton RKOs him after the match for the hell of it. In case you were in a coma during the last twenty seconds, they play it again and then play the John Cena beatdown again for those of you who were in a coma for the last several weeks.

Random Commercial Thought: all of our campaign videos are about the candidates complaining they are slinging mud by slinging more mud.

Orton is approached in the back by Nexus who imply that Orton should ditch Cena because they could own him even if he wins MitB, but could help him take out the winner of the cage match. They tell him to think twice and he tells them to piss off. They then reveal R-Truth is out of MitB due to injury. They run down the card for the PPV, including Rey’s match with Kurt Angl-I mean Jack Swagger. Roberts says in the back that the GM said the Usos are getting another title shot, despite not having wrestled A SINGLE FUCKING MATCH AGAINST ANYONE ELSE. They imply that white people thing all black people look alike. Classy. Alicia then shows up to complain that she hasn’t been interviewed since winning the title. She asks if we don’t care what she has to say. I care about her titties. She says her victory was not a fluke and we are threatened with that rematch some more.

Random Commercial Thought: Real Housewives should be renamed Rich Bitches.

Back to the show. We get a replay of Summerslam, Bret Hart against The Bulldog in an Intercontinental Title match back when it meant something and had good  matches. Alicia is already dancing about in the ring and we get Eve shortly after.

Eve Torres vs. Diva’s Champion Alicia Fox (Diva’s title Match)

Eve flips over Alicia early and delivers he one legged dropkicks that suck so fucking horribly. Eve picks up a two count. Alicia holds her leg like an African soccer player and Eve keep trying to get in on her but Eve is held back by the ref to huge boos. Finally. after begging the ref to keep going, Eve rushes in to a kick to the gut and eats a scissor kick.
Winner: Fox

Not a bad scissor kick actually, good air on the kick. I don’t think I’ve ever even seen Booker T. get that much air on one. More Nexus on Cena footage. I’m beginning to wonder why I have to keep seeing this. I know it happened. I’ve seen Gabriel’s 450 splash. I get it.

Random Commercial Thought: All I can eat? You don’t know what you just got yourself into, homes.

Back to the show for the EPIC HANDSHAKE OF DESTINY. Cole tells us that Edge and Orton will face off next week. Wade Barrett makes his way to the ring now. Buy some pants you fuck. Wade says everything has had a purpose again, but Cena’s position is just unfortunate. Cena arrives and checks around some corners first before making his way to the ring. Wade says Cena is not in their future plans. He then goes on to make thinly veiled threats, which is of course the best way to get someone to shake your hand that I’ve ever thought of. Cena only agrees that there is no more attacks. Well maybe a little attack...could they beat up Michael Cole? Cena offers the hand out and then pulls back saying they shouldn’t stop then they are having so much fun. Cena tells him to take everything and shove it up their “Nexus”. He meant asshole right? Asshole? Okay.

Cena says he’ll take them all down and will get to every single one of them, and that is the future for them. Wade says the only reason he is capable of standing in the ring is testament to the fact of what they could do to him if they wanted. Wade demands a handshake, OR ELSE. Cena finally shakes it after I screamed at him to do so and scoops Wade up into an FU. Nexus attacks though and beats him down. Bourne comes to the rescue. Yeah, that went well. Morrison tries his hand and Mark Henry arrives with Khali, Goldust, and the rest of the locker room. I just wanted to mention it was Goldust in there. That amuses me. We get an e-mail and Cole tells everyone to hold on their asskickings for a second. The GM says: “I wanted peace, so if things don’t stop now there will be consequences.” Cena then puts an STF on Young who was left behind by Nexus in the ring. Another e-mail responds with the GM saying that Cena will now face all of Nexus next week in a handicap match. Young crawls away so Cena kicks his ass some more. He tosses Young into the ring post, hits him with stairs and destroys the announce desk on him before celebrating as the show goes off the air and he makes his angry face.

Highlight of the Night: Orton and Bourne put on the best entertainment of the night. Not much else was of note.

Lowlight of the Night: Diva’s rematch was uninspiring and pointless as the last match of the night.

WWE “Creative” Award: The main event is a handshake? A motherfucking handshake?
 

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).