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WWE
RAW RANT:
(07/06/09)
By Cameron Burge

Welcome. Tonight we see the return of the Ted Dibiase that doesn’t suck. Should be kinda awesome so long as he can avoid preaching to us about the advantages of being a good Christian. In other news, Cena against Trips! AGAIN! Oh yay! Not much else to say here so let’s get right into it.

Show open with Ted, bringing his son with him as well. Oh, and Rhodes who is mooching off his ass. At least he has the Million Dollar Belt with him so that’s awesome. He says he bought out his opportunity to run Raw tonight then talks about how gifted Rhodes and Dibiase are. Dibiase asks Rhodes if he thinks Henry should be punished for last week then goes on to make a match between them tonight much to Ted’s chagrin. Then he makes Ted against Orton saying that Orton has been using him and Ted has more talent. This doesn’t sit well with Legacy but since Dibaise is a Legend he’s not allowed to be a heel per the rules of WWE age status. As he leaves, the tag champs come out to stare Legacy down before we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: This is a word from your sponsors. Drink more oval tine.

Back to the show where the Colons are going to take on the tag champs one more time but not for the titles.

Unified Tag Champions Chris Jericho & Edge vs. Carlito & Primo Colon (Non-title Match)

Carlito starts off with Edge, gaining the advantage early on until Edge makes a run to the corner and tags in Jericho. Jericho levels Carlito with a reverse elbow, then delivers a back suplex. Edge tags back in and proceeds to stomp Carlito into a corner distracting the ref for a choke by Jericho. Carlito finally rallies with a springboard elbow after Jericho tags in. Primo is in and he tackles Edge all over the ring, backflipping into a drop kick then sending Jericho off the apron. He hit’s a head scissors in the corner and springboards into a cross body for two. Primo back kicks Edge and tries to backflip off of the middle rope but Edge trips him and ties him up in the ropes. Carlito tries to help Primo out and he falls out just in time for Edge to ram him to the apron. Carlito tries to get in the ring now but it allows a Code Breaker into Spear for the heels to win.
Winners: Edge & Jericho

Wow I can almost hear the Colons choking to death on the dirt that they are being buried against. Carlito proceeds to ram Primo into the ring post and beat his ass outside the ring because we can’t have a successful and popular tag team. Why the fuck would we ever want that. Primo is tossed over the announce table. This is fucking bullshit. I’m tired of good tag teams getting destroyed for bullshit random Main Eventer team ups.

In the back, Legacy are trying to apologize to Orton. Dibaise gets upset when Orton assumes he will win and so Dibaise points out Cowboy Bob was a bitch compared to the Million Dollar Man and says he’ll win tonight (LOLWUT) as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: The Orphan is like the Omen with a kid they aren’t related to.

Back to the show where we learn we’ve gained Alicia Fox and Gail Kim recently on Raw.

Alicia Fox & Diva’s Champion Maryse vs. Mickie James & Gail Kim

Speaking of Foxxy Brown, she’s teaming up with Maryse. Maryse works Mickie over briefly before Fox tags in and gets rolled up for two. Mickie destroys Alicia for a bit, knocking Maryse off the apron and covering for two. Gail Kim ignites a race war by tagging in and powerslamming Alicia. She delivers a head scissors and guillotines Alicia on the middle rope with her crotch. Springboard cross body picks up a two count for Kim. Kim gets tripped into the middle ropes and choked by Fox whose hair just reminds me of old Michael Jackson videos. Maryse makes the tag and slams Kim around, nailing a back breaker for two. Maryse loses track of Kim but knocks Mickie off the apron before she makes the tag. Kim delivers a jaw buster onto her foot somehow though and covers for the three.
Winners: Kim & James

In the back. Cody tries to buy off Dibiase. He didn’t bring enough money. Dibiase builds up his ego about being the son of Dusty. Dibiase points out it’s bullshit that Dusty is in the Hall of Fame and he himself isn’t yet. Good point. Who the fuck put him in there anyway? He also says the Million Dollar Man would never want to be associated with a common man anyway but he was perfectly fine with running around with a black slave for a long time.

Random Commercial Thought: I’ve often wondered if I die while being a complete asshole people will suddenly love me too.

Back to the show where Cody is here to take on a living ball of hamburger grease.

Cody Rhodes vs. Mark Henry

Henry just slams Rhodes around and kicks him in the gut. He proceeds to catch Rhodes off the top and deliver the World’s Strongest Slam. Cody rolls out to the floor in pain and cries like a little pussy. Cody decides to take a walk as the ref gives him the count out. Henry looks annoyed to win by count out and not get the opportunity to grind his sweaty nuts into some poor sap’s leg.
Winner: Henry

And now a word from our sponsors.

Random Commercial Thought: SMOOOOOKE.

And now Legacy interfighting! Oh yay!

WWE Champion Randy Orton vs. Ted Dibiase (Non-title Match)

The match starts with….headlocks. Oh I’m so surprised by this. Orton starts taunting Dibiase and pushes him to the ropes so Dibiase decks him and dropkicks Orton around, delivering an arm drag and tossing Orton to the floor.

Random Commercial Thought: If he’s unborn doesn’t that mean he had to be born and then had that undone to him? So was he put back in the womb or something?

Back to the show. Dibiase is getting worked over by Orton again in the ring, hit low and then kicked around the ring and stomped on. Orton looks down on Dibiase as if he’s a lost pupil, straying from the light side of the Force and now force to defeat him in mortal combat. Oh wait, I got this confused with something good for a moment. Dibiase dodges a knee drop and rolls Orton up for two. He then puts Orton in a small package for another two so Orton kicks him in the teeth. Orton seems to have Dibiase put away but he keeps kicking out. Orton decides to mount some punches and delivers the knee drop this time for another two. Orton gets caught by Dibiase with a back drop and a flying clothesline for two. Ted starts pummeling Orton but eats the inverted backbreaker. Orton slithers around on the ground like a retard. I still think this is the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. Dibiase counters the RKO into a backslide for two. Orton then eats a power slam
that Cole calls a scoop slam, the scrub. Dibiase gets caught by a low kick but Dream Street is blocked by Orton as well as Orton spins out into the RKO for the win.
Winner: Orton

I think Dibiase learned today that he needs a less complicated finisher that looks completely weak ass like Orton.

Random Commercial Thought: Jared and Phelps have to share commercial deals now? Man, drugs are bad mmkay.

Back to the show. We see some bullshit about Sherry Shephard and MVP being at the BET awards which is like the award show for ignorant black people like the MTV awards are for ignorant white people. MVP is in the ring to talk about the trade on the VIP Lounge with his new guest, Jack Swagger. The All-American American. That’s ridiculously redundant if you ask me. Also, his theme song blows ass. MVP asks him how it felt to look like a dumbass in his debut by getting counted out. He asks what kind of All-American athlete would do that. Mike Tyson? Jack swagger points out MVP isn’t even an MVP, he was in prison most of his life. MVP says he made mistakes in life. Like being black, and he served his time like a man. I love the guy screaming for MVP to kick his ass already and stop talking. MVP strips down his shirt and jeans and says he’s never been afraid of a fight like Swagger. Swagger backs down like a girl and leaves.

In the back, Ted accuses his dad of setting him up to fail and stealing all the limelight for himself. Ted bitchslaps him when he denies it. Dibiase looks like he’s gonna cry. Aw.

Random Commercial Thought: Whatever happened to the man of Tomorrow?

Back to the show where Kofi Kingston is about to take on Evan Bourne. This should be fucking awesome. If it isn‘t I will cry.

United States Champion Kofi Kingston vs. Evan Bourne (Non-title Match)

They tie up and Bourne starts off strong with a headlock. Kofi tries to leap over Bourne who stop short and rolls him up for a two count. They exchange several quick pin attempts before Kingston rolls under and pulls Bourne into a half boston crab. Bourne makes the ropes and Kofi gets ready for the rematch. Evan delivers a headlock take down and Kofi comes back with one of his own. Headscissors by Bourne allows him to escape but Kofi leaps through into a pin. Bourne bridges out and they duel trying to get the backslide but neither succeeds. Kofi springboards out of the corner into a cross body for a two count.

Kofi gets a stinger splash in the corner but he tries for one in the second corner and Bourne catches him with a knee to the face. Bourne nails the Shooting Star Press that he calls Air Bourne for the three.
Winner: Bourne

Good match, but too short. It makes me sad. And now, it’s time for Big Show to squash two tiny men. Rather than run away, Kofi stays to get punched in the face. Bourne keeps getting swatted away like a fly while Big Show pounds Kofi around. He then spears Bourne and continues to punch Kofi around before putting on a camel clutch. You see, this is how we roll in Wichita. We run over little people because it amuses us. Fuck midgets.

Random Commercial Thought: When I saw the tiger, he just took a shit in front of the tree.

Back to the show. Cena had a promotional signing for 12 Rounds. I have to laugh at all the unopened copies of the movie that will never be sold sitting around him. But they can keep on dreaming. John Deer Cena gives an interview segment about his respect for Trips but his plans to win. Trips is making his entrance now and all I can think about is that this match is going to be fucking long. I wonder if anyone has ever decided to steal Trips’ water bottle or take a piss in it before he comes out. That could lead to some comedy gold right there as soon as he took a swig of it like he was auditioning for a part in Water World.

Random Commercial Thought: The announcer for the smack down commercials sounds like the guy from the second Outer Limits show.

Back to the show. As John Cena arrives I still have to wonder how the hell you can have a tournament with four people. Wouldn’t a fatal fourway match have made a lot more sense?

Triple H vs. John Cena (#1 Contender’s Match)

Cena and Trips stare down forever before finally tying up as Cena tosses Trips off. Cena Trips proceed to argue in the ring over who is more popular. They finally get serious as Cena overpowers trips with shoulder blocks but Trips comes back with a hard shot of his own. Trips is thrown to the floor out of a tier up. Cena scoops Trips for the FU on the floor but he gets pushed out of it as we go back to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I spent my summer vacation at Arby’s.

Back to the show where Trips is on the dominating side, he’s working Cena’s back over and dropping some knees and elbows to it, punching it with a forearm. Trips decides to take the slow ass Orton route but it’s just as boring here. Cena comes back with a punch and starts delivering shoulder blocks into his general offense, but out of the five knuckle Shuffle, Trips comes back with a spine buster into the pedigree. Cena back body drops out of it. Trips goes for a sleeper hold but Cena powers out and put one of his own on. They both get dropped and decides to have a punch out (not the Lil Mac version) fight. This goes on for way too long really. I mean way too long. Cena eventually delivers a kick and the flashback. Cena goes up top and bombs the guillotine leg drop, busting his ass. Trips goes for the Pedigree but Cena counters into a jacknife for two.

Cena goes for the FU but Trips rolls him up for two. Cena trips him up for the STF, but by the time he finally locks it in Trips is already at the ropes. Cena pulls Trips off the rope but the STF is countered into another roll up. The pedigree is blocked with a monkey flip into the corner. He catches Trips for an FU but Trips has the top rope and they clothesline each other. Standing Ten count gets pretty high before they drag themselves up. They start to brawl and Legacy comes in to attack both people.
Winner: None

Cena says that made it a double DQ so now he won’t be facing either man. Dibiase suddenly interrupts to cut Orton off and point out that neither one lost so since his opinion matters more, he’ll make it a Triple Threat Match for the title at Night of Champions.

Highlight of the Night: Kofi vs. Evan Bourne and Trips vs. Cena were both big events for the night but neither had a satisfactory ending really.

Lowlight of the Night: Ted Dibiase gets slapped by his own son. Weak Sauce.

WWE “Creative” Award: Why was Ted Jr. made out to look legit? He can barely handle dressing himself, let alone wrestling.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).