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WWE RAW RANT

by Cameron Burge

July 4, 2011


Tonight, the future past is present which is where we are spending our lives. What I’m trying to say is that tonight’s show was taped last week. That of course hasn’t stopped WWE for treating us like it wasn’t, but they have managed to contradict themselves by claiming CM Punk has agreed to finish out his remaining contracted dates….yet tonight’s show is telling us he is flat suspended and no longer No. 1 contender (Retroactive spoiler warning). Maybe they are trying to tell the story backward like some kind of WWE Memento. In other news, Gene Snitsky was recently backstage at a WWE TV taping of NXT. I assume this is so he could peddle his new book “If It WAS My Fault.”

Raw 07.04.11



Ah, fourth of July. There are going to be enough flags to make Toby Keith shit himself in ecstasy wherever he is (I assume that location is full of nothing but country music, apple pies and the spiritual embodiment of Ronald Reagan).

The show opens with a recap of last week’s main event. It ends with a really poorly edited version of CM Punk’s speech from the end of Raw. It of course removes all of the “hot topic” names and organizations mentioned. Who edits those videos? I shit out etter editing in Windows Media Player than that guy. We get theme and pyro to open the show proper. We were told before the broadcast that tonight there is a No. 1 contender’s match between Truth, Mysterio and Del Rio.

John Cena arrives with a big fucking twitter icon over his entrance to talk about Punk. Because this is totally July 4th and not last week, he decides to talk about CM Punk’s freedoms of speech. He says Punk has been suspended and will not be expected to be stricken from existence. You know, like that other guy. You know his name, kinda short, tan. Good wrestler…um. Chavo! Yeah, him. Cena stands up for Punk’s rights to say what he did since they still fit within PG boundaries. Now if he had said “shit” in his promo, we’d have a problem. I would be motherfucking offended. He brings up Daniel Bryan being fired for choking people and the sign confiscations by WWE officials. He holds the microphone for a chant of “First Amendment” from a few people. Man this crowd is dead. Then again, I guess it was really fucking late for them by this point.

He ponders if we are going to start telling the audience how they can look and act. He tells Cole there won’t be a GM interruption because it’s bigger than that and he wants answers from Vince McMahon tonight. He says he called Vince earlier today and he is in his private jet (damn, that is fast! Just a few minutes?). Cena demands his title match with Punk and walks out. Eve and Kelly are shown in the back getting ready for a match with the Bellas. Oh good, I wanted an excuse to get a drink.

Random Commercial Thought: My feet hurt. This is probably WWE’s fault. It’s wearing my body down.

Back to the show where the Bellas arrive with their little capes. We get a replay of the fail-ass submission match from last week that I was trying pretty hard to forget.

Kelly Kelly & Eve Torres vs. The Bella Twins

Eve takes a Bella down and then does a butt thrust over her before botching a moonsault for two. Good job. She gets tossed to the floor and takes her time getting back up. This announcing seems weird, like it was taped later…it probably is. Eve is getting her arm worked over now by having it racked on the ropes. One of the Bellas puts her arm in her crotch to butt thrust as well but Eve pushes her into the ropes for a rollup. The Bella rolls through and works the arm some more. Eve delivers a Mic Check on the Bella and Kelly gets the hot tag. She botches her run in and knocks the other Bella off the apron. She does the weakest rope run of all time and then gives a stink face after her head scissor. Kelly finishes off with a bulldog, but it only gets two when the other Bella interferes. Eve runs in to break up that and Kelly finishes things with the Fameasser. I’m not joking.

Winner: Kelly

Now time for a video package of the most quickly buried star in WWE history: Andy from Tough Enough. Truth is talking to “Flo” on the phone or something. Is he having his period? Anyway, he is interviewed about the match and says he should be awarded the contendership after last week. He also says he has good news and bad news. The good news is a several years out of date Geico joke. He then runs into “Senor Jimmy” in Alberto Del Rio.

Random Commercial Thought: Covert Affairs, the ongoing chronicles of the worst CIA agent ever.

Back to the show where Santino and Kozlov arrive to lose a tag team match like they always do these days. They still get a big reaction though. The tag champs come out to CM Punk’s music. This is important because….they need any heat at all by this point.

Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov vs. WWE Tag Team Champions David Otunga & Mike McStupidName

These guys are still champions? I can’t actually remember the last time they were on Raw. Santino starts things off with Otunga. Otunga pushes him off some tie ups with ease. Santino gets pissed and threatens a super kick like last week. Otunga ducks as Santino laughs at him so he just bitchslaps Santino down. Otunga delivers a clothesline, but Santino leapfrogs him in the corner. Santino fires up a quick Cobra and Otunga runs to the floor before making a tag. Mike kicks Santino around, but Santino makes the tag. Kozlov pounds the shit out of Mike with big shots and a sambo suplex. He tags in Santino and tosses him into Mike with a head butt to the midsection.

Kozlov tags right back in and suplexes Mike around. Her hoists him up for a fireman’s carry, but botches it, barely catching Mike. Mike is set up across the turnbuckles for a kick to the midsection before Otunga distracts for the heels to gain the advantage. Otunga tags in and they delivers double slams into the corner on Otunga. Santino starts a “Kozlov” chant. They tries for a double suplex on Kozlov with Mike as the legal man, but Kozlov suplexes them both and makes the tag. Santino does his punches, splits and hip toss. He then splits and hip tosses on Otunga too. Santino delivers the head butt on Mike and fires up the cobra. He turns and nails Otunga with it, but turns around into a running neck breaker from Mike. This is apparently a finisher. Santino really needs to start using a crossface. Then the cycle will be complete.

Winners: Nexus

Zack Ryder then appears at the ring entrance to say “Woo Woo Woo You Know It” and…he leaves. Um….okay? Not exactly the impact appearance we could have hoped for. Maybe he’ll team up with Ron Simmons.

Random Commercial Thought: What is this, like Harry Potter 8? How much wizard faggotry do we really need?

They keep hyping Cena/McMahon later on as we cut to Miz in the back. He is asked about how he hasn’t beaten Riley yet and if he will get a different strategy. He says CM Punk was suspended, but he didn’t get picked to be in the Triple Threat because of Riley. How is this riley’s fault? He didn’t get picked either. Did he personally campaign against Miz? He claims he will take Riley out and then….Slaughter appears with Evan Bourne? The fuck? He says he will lead the Pledge of Allegiance tonight and Swagger says he should be doing it tonight instead of someone who sided with Iraq once. WHOOOOAAA, continuity out of nowhere. Slaughter says everyone makes mistakes like Swagger’s parents not using birth control. Long story short, they will have a match. God help us.

Elsewhere, we see some stock footage of a jet landing at night that is supposed to be Vince.

Random Commercial Thought: Captain America doesn’t fucking knock.

You know, Trip Wire would have made for a more interesting WWE wrestler. He could hit people with his mine sweeper. Slaughter arrives to big USA chants. I’ll point out that is retarded with these two guys in the ring, but whatever. Sarge is completely bald these days.

Jack Swagger vs. Sgt. Slaughter

Jack slams Sarge into the corner for shoulder blocks to the midsection. Slaughter powers back with right punches and catches him with a reverse elbow I nthe corner before going to the Cobra Clutch. Swagger escapes by pushing him back to the corner and they botch a short arm clotheslines since Sarge bends about as well as a piece of steel. Swagger hit’s the slingshot splash for the easy three.

Winner: Swagger

Bourne makes the save from an ankle lock after the match. The GI Joes don’t need help from midgets! On a related note, there is a sign in the audience with a smiley face, that occasionally gets turned around to a frowny face when it is upset. Mine would probably be a frown and the AVGN frown on the other side. Bourne lets Sarge say the pledge before we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Fix your car with a hammer.

Back to the show for a replay of Mark Henry finally comprehending doors on some level and putting Show through the cage wall. Del Rio is already in the ring and that recap we just had has nothing to do with this match at all. I miss Ricardo. You know, what is with Rey’s entrance? Am I supposed to believe he is casting fireball in order to summon his pyro? Is Rey a wizard?

Rey Mysterio vs. Alberto Del Rio vs. R-Truth (#1 Contender’s Triple Threat)

Rey immediately takes on both heels by booting Truth to a corner and attacking Rio. Rio catches him from behind when Truth is beat down into the corner. Del Rio eats corner himself so Rey looks to charge Truth again and just gets dropkicked in the side of the head. It’s as if Rey immediately forgot what had happened to him the last time. They have a word for that. Alzheimer’s. Truth takes a dropkick too and Del Rio gets a two count on Rey. Rey dumps Rio to the floor and takes on Truth, but Truth flattens him with a lie detector for two. Truth takes the fight to the floor where he puts Del Rio into the wall before continuing to work over Rey. He picks up two on Rey back in the ring. Rio seems to be working the “guy who takes a time out” role for most of this match. Truth turns Rey inside out in the corner for yet another two count.

Truth jumps on Alberto on the outside into the ring wall again. Jeez dude. Let some one else take a breather. Truth delivers a side slam on Mysterio and picks up two when Del Rio comes back in to break up the pin. Rey hit’s a sloppy head scissor on Alberto to send him to the ring apron again so Truth takes over kicking his ass. Truth pounds Rey into the corner. He sets Rey up top in the corner, but Del Rio scoops Truth up for an electric Chair. Rey leaps off with a reverse bulldog and everyone comes crashing down as we go to break.

Random Commercial Thought:

Mysterio is working with Rio right now, but gets slammed by Rio hard for a two count with a tilt a whirl back breaker. Truth is back up on the apron and mixing it up with Rey. Rio hits Rey from behind, but Truth punches Rio. Everyone sunset flips everyone else, ending with a pin on Rio by Truth for two. Rey hilariously sold this like fucking Shawn Michaels vs. Hogan. Rio delivers the knees to the back on Truth, but Mysterio breaks up the subsequent pin at two. El Rio takes a dive to the floor and Truth gets tripped into a 619 fro Mysterio. Mysterio climbs up top and hits the splash, but Alberto comes from behind to jump Rey for the cross arm breaker and the win.

Winner: Del Rio

Random Commercial Thought: This just in. Santa has been fired by Coca-Cola.

We return to a Money in the Bank montage from the first match and Edge’s subsequent title win. We cut to Vickie and Dolph. It’s supposedly his birthday or something too. Okay, so this comes down to a ceremony with a cake on a table. She’s saying it’s his birthday because as US Champion he should share a birthday with the country. Long story short: Vickie is pushed into the cake by Kofi. NEXT! I think was a “We Want Cake” chant in there.

Random Commercial Thought: The UK is apparently in the future past right now, way ahead of our feed.

The Miz vs. Alex Riley

This match gets underway after a video package about the two. Riley takes over pretty early and beats the Miz all around the ring. Riley takes it to the Miz on the floor and then stomps him down back in the ring. Miz manages to turn the tables and goes into a typical heel offense on Riley. Riley delivers a big front slam to Riley. I can never remember what that move is actually called. He talks shit while Riley stumbles up and slaps him about. Riley rallies back and takes Miz to the corner with a beating and some rams to the midsection. Miz turns it around with a reverse elbow and reverse DDT for the two. Cole botches a call to be mad about the two count by saying it early and just repeats the line.

Random Commercial Thought: Cowboys vs. Aliens. Exactly what it says on the tin.

Back to the match. Riley is tackling Miz with a Lou Thesz press and punches. Her delivers a spine buster and picks up the two count. Miz regains control and delivers his back-breakers/Neckbreaker combo, but in mid-way as Cole calls it vintage Miz, Riley counters into a backslide for the three.

Winner: Riley

Vintage losing! Miz is shocked and looks like he’s about to cry before he charges the ring and beats Riley down from behind. Miz starts beating him down on the floor, taking him to the steps and the announce table while telling him he’s nothing…except the winner! Burn! After he annihilates Riley, we see Vince is on his way to really shoot on Punk for really reals.

Random Commercial Thought: Japanese Lolitas never lie about Mexican food.

Back to the show where we replay the video from the top of the show again. We’re running a little early I guess and needed to kill time. Couldn’t have too much interesting stuff happen. Vince makes his way out to heavy boos. Vince says Punk deserved what he got. Vince says this isn’t about his ego. Definitely not like all those other times he did things because of his ego.

Vince says the real reason is that Punk wanted a lot of specific things for his contract resigning, which was bullshit so he wasn’t going to let him say that crap on TV. He says Punk is just a Punk and he’ll see us next week when John Cena comes out to face him. Cena asks if that was really just that and he’s going to kick him to the curb. Vince says Punk kicked himself to the curb. Cena says Vince is so freedom of speech and Vince agrees because he’s allowing Cena’s mic to still be on. Cena says Vince took down Turner (as if he still controlled WCW back when it folded) because he’s a fighter. He says Vince must be soft and the grapefruits are now peach pits. Cena says he wants to still fight Punk and if Vince doesn’t feel like fighting then the old man should hang it up.

Vince says he’ll say why he really suspended Punk. He doesn’t want to take a chance that Punk might win, because he made that mistake before. Definitely not with Jeff Jarrett. Vince says he will not be embarrassed and nobody wants to see it happen either. Cena demands the match again and says Money in the Bank is the biggest PPV of the year because it creates intrigue with Cena in hostile territory. He asks if the kid who rode on the side of his car back at Wrestlemania 22 (wow, never thought anyone would ever bring that up) can pull it off. He asks what would happen if he says something Vince doesn’t like. Vince tells him not to be Hogan and piss him off.

Cena hypes the crowd up for Vince to give them what they want and Vince says he’s being embarrassed right now. He says he doesn’t give a damn what the people want because he is not going to jeopardize his company and who he is. He lists off the people who came before Cena like Stone Cold and HBK, but it has always been his company. He says his decisions are always good ones. Like the XFL. Cena says if it’s his company then, it isn’t something he signed up for, and he gets that everyone is replaceable. He says he’s busted his ass for Vince and the brand because the title stands for something (bling?). He says Punk earned the right, then he’s already made the title meaningless and tosses it to Vince before walking out. Vince says Cena is an ingrate and no different than all the rest. Vince finally says to wait a minute. Vince follows Cena up the ramp, gets in his face and agrees to allow the match on the condition that if Punk leaves with the title, Cena is fired. Vince shoves the belt into his hands, tosses his mic and leaves us.

Highlight of the Night: The Triple Threat match was the match of the night, but most of the wrestling was pretty slow and bland.

Lowlight of the Night: Diva’s match was terrifyingly terrible.

WWE “Creative” Award: The stipulation of Cena being fired almost guarantees an outcome that Punk cannot leave the match champion now.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).