Welcome back to the Raw
Rant where we have even more focus on a bunch of
guys you don’t really care about. The only things of
note for this week is that the NXTers have renamed
themselves as a stable called “Nexus” and in other
news, Sheamus is still champion, so you can rest
assured it wasn’t just a really bad dream.
Show opens with silence
as Cole and King tell us in SUPER SERIOUS voices
about Vince getting beat down last week, saying that
it has “Made headlines the world over” which I
assume is complete bullshit, because I assume that
if him DYING didn’t make that many headlines, then
this didn’t either. Maybe some retard called the
police for this too like the car bomb. Sheamus
arrives to celebrate he doesn’t have to fight Cena
again now because even though the match never ended
it apparently counts so he won’t have to see the
shitty orange shirts (as bad as shitty orange hair?)
or catch phrases or a bunch of other things.
Cena arrives to say that the Nexus is coming for
Sheamus next and so they should for just this once
team up and take the entire nexus on. The e-mail
goes off a couple of times here for Cole to tell us
(he has a fucking stand with a big GM of Raw logo on
it and a Raw laptop to read from now). I have a bad
feeling they might actually have it turn out to be
Cole who is GM. God help us. The GM says that Nexus
will be dealt with next week and if they make
contact with any WWE superstar they will be fired
and if any WWE superstar does the opposite, they
will be suspended. Cena says they must both be
disappointed so instead they should have a title
match. Cole gets another e-mail of course and I have
to say this guy must be the fastest fucking typer of
ALL TIME to respond this quickly. It is revealed
that Sheamus will be fighting Mark Henry and Cena
makes a crappy internet joke reference.
gets another E-mail and tells us the next PPV will
be a Money in the Bank PPV with two MitB matches,
one for each brand with the first Raw contestant
being revealed tonight. Sheamus goes to leave and we
get another e-mail with a cage falling from the sky.
Oh, so it was so spur of the moment that he had A
HUGE FUCKING CAGE INSTALLED already. We then find
that at the PPV, Sheamus will face Cena in a steel
cage who decides to peel his shirt off and celebrate
in the cage while his music plays for no reason.
Random Commercial Thought: That Slim Jim commercial
doesn’t make any fucking sense.
As we come
back, the Hart Dynasty comes out and gets jumped
from behind by the Usos and left crushed around the
ring. Funny, since they got owned in their only
actual match recently. Natalya gets beat up by
Tamika with a Superfly Splash afterward. Glad we got
that exhilarating match. Tune in next week when the
wrestlers will actually get in the ring! Elsewhere,
Truth is asked what he thinks about the Nexus and he
says to keep them in the WWE zoo because he’s…the
zoo keeper? What the fuck does that mean?
Random Commercial Thought: Fuck twilight.
Back to the show where we get a replay of Kozlov’s
dance off but we are now forced to watch a rematch
of them in an actual match with the stipulation
being that if Santino wins, Kozlov will be his tag
Vladimir Kozlov vs. Santino
Match starts off with Santino
failing to be able to suplex Kozlov from different
angles so Kozlov ties him up for head butts and
grounds Santino for two. Kozlov puts on a bear hug
(IS IT BEAR?! OH BOY OH BOY!). Santino powers out of
the bear hug and drops Kozlov with an arm drag. He
tries to use his cobra and gets destroyed with a
sambo suplex for three.
After the match, Kozlov smiles and tries to help
Santino up several time as he collapses each time.
Regal shakes his hand on the way out and comes back
to annihilate Santino but Kozlov comes to the save
with a big boot and helps Santino up and out of the
ring. He carries him on his shoulders which is
frightening as the big Russian carries off the
unconscious man. We then see Khali in the back to be
asked about Nexus. Khalia’s translator talks shit on
him in English and says Khali would run like a pussy
from Nexus before storming off. Khali looks
confused, but I’m pretty sure he speaks fucking
English, considering he did it in Longest Yard.
Random Commercial Thought: NXT still sucks.
Back to the show where we get a long-ass
introduction for Rob Zombie, the creative genius who
brought you…Halloween…and H2.…yeah he should be
sorry. But don’t worry, I’m sure The Blob will be
better!….yeah…He reveals the contestants for MitB,
Miz, R-Truth, Orton, Jericho, Dibiase, Bourne,
Morrison, and Edge. Edge interrupts to speak via
live feed to say he hasn’t spoken to Rob since he
called him personally to say he was dumping his
song. Rob goes to leave, saying he took the song
back, not the other way around. Edge goes on to show
his win of MitB and cashing in on the briefcase. He
conveniently doesn’t mention Mr. Anders-I mean
Kennedy. Yeah, never heard of that guy.
gets an e-mail and says the main event will be Edge,
Miz, Dibiase & Jericho against Bourne, Morrison,
Truth and Orton. I love how they always divide these
matches into heel against face, never randomly
Random Commercial Thought: It
takes two idiots to raise a village. Of idiots.
Back to the show where Sheamus is already out to
take on Mark Henry who comes to the ring with his
rookie. Somebody at least get that poor guy a gas
WWE Champion Sheamus vs. Mark Henry
w/Random Jackass (Non-title Match)
Sheamus starts off with pummeling shots and delivers
a DDT for two. Sheamus puts on a headlock, but Mark
works up and counters a clothesline by lightly
raising his arm. Sheamus sort of pushes off of him
and is apparently dead from that. Sheamus makes the
ropes at two and they both get back into the ring so
Sheamus delivers the pump kick to pick up the three
out of seemingly no where.
I think Cole just called it the Pro Kick or the Bro
Kick. I prefer Bro Kick. Nexus is now asked how they
feel about the ultimatum. One of them randomly beats
up the sound guy and slaps him around. They then
look about ready to eat Josh Matthews who looks like
he crapped himself.
Thought: It could be worse. Twilight could ruin
Back to the show where King is
in the ring to introduce a video package for Ricky
Steamboat’s new DVD. Speaking of him, here he is.
For once he isn’t wearing a goofy bandana or karate
outfit and is just in a suit. King has guys come out
to honor Ricky. Arn Anderson, P.S. Hays, Rotunda,
and Malenko. Malenko sounds like he smoked a forest
before trying to speak. IRS asks for him to pay
taxes on the DVD income. Or else? Hayes says he just
came out to come out and dance on TV. Arn declares
him one of the best wrestlers of all time. As you
might guess, Nexus interrupts things. They have a
theme now. Technically speaking, none of these guys
are superstars. The suit jackets come off at least.
These guys are like Solomon Grundy and Brainiac,
they can’t even afford a decent pair of pants. King
and Dragon stomp out the first guy and the next
meats a similar fate. Eventually Arn is dragged to
the floor and eats the ring post. Malenko goes down
Eventually they attack everyone and I had
time to get up, leave the room, have a conversation,
get a drink and come back ad they are still beating
up Steamboat. This segment has gone on for way too
long, longer than any Raw matches do.
Commercial Thought: I don’t see how Money in the
Bank can carry its own show.
Back to the show
where we get a tea up by Maryse and Alicia Fox. I
have to point out we actually came back from
commercial earlier but nothing happened but recaps
and a commercial. Josh Matthews is now on announcing
Fox & Maryse vs. Gail Kim & Eve Torres
Alicia starts out hard on Eve while chants build for
Maryse. Alicia almost takes a sunset flip, but she
drops a knee on Eve instead. Alicia beats Eve into
the corner and a snap mare picks up a two count for
Fox. Maryse tags in and drags her around by the hair
for another two. Why would hair pulling possibly get
you a pin? Alicia tags back in and some stomps in
the corner ensue. Gail Kim finally tags in and for
her trouble gets completely destroyed by Fox for the
Winners: Fox & Maryse
match, Fox and Maryse get up in each others faces
over the belt. It amounts to nothing more than a few
seconds of your lif mercilessly drained away.
Random Commercial Thought: Psych needs less special
As we return, we replay the Nexus
beat down of Vince….and then we replay the beat down
from tonight. God damn. The Raw Replay Variety Hour.
The MitB participants are headed out now.
R-Truth, Randy Orton & Evan Bourne vs. Ted Dibiase,
Edge, Miz, & Chris Jericho
starts off with Morrison but doesn’t fare well.
Truth tags in and delivers some harsh blows before
dumping Dibiase to the floor. Bourne dances on the
apron as he gets the tag and delivers a flying kick
to Ted on the floor. Back in the ring, Bourne
delivers harsh kicks and trips for a two count. Miz
tags in after a kick to Bourne from Dibiase, but
eats a big hip toss for two. Miz starts to come back
and Dibiase shuts off a retaliation from Bourne with
a cheap shot while the ref is distracted. Jericho
tags in and trips up Bourne on the bottom rope with
a monkey flip before taunting. Jericho slaps Bourne
in the back of the head and drags him back by the
foot to keep the tag from happening as Miz comes
I miss the days when heels could
wear pants. Miz works a chinlock. Bourne gets away
to tag in Morrison. Morrison goes to town on Miz and
delivers a huge kick to set up Starship Pain but
Edge drags Miz to safety. The heels gather outside
conveniently to pose for a suicide dive from
Morrison as we go to commercial.
Commercial Thought: Phones manipulate reality.
Someone used the ladder during the break by tossing
Morrison into it. As we come back, Morrison is
rolling up Jericho for two and Jericho kicks him
back down for two of his own. Edge tags in to stomp
into Morrison. Morrison gets beat down for quite a
while and Edge eventually runs into a boot in the
corner only to get back in control with a
clothesline. Morrison collides with Edge and both
manage to make the hot tag. Bourne is in against
Jericho with head scissors and dropkicks. A wheel
kick drops Jericho and a heel kick follows for two.
Bourne goes up top but Jericho intercepts only to
have a superplex blocks with knees. Bourne sets up
for Air Bourne but bombs only to land on his feet.
Jericho hits the code breaker and crawls to the tag.
Bourne crawls to his corner too and Dibiase is in on
Orton. Orton just instantly delivers an RKO for
three. Wow, way to earn that paycheck, Randy.
Edge spears from behind and
gets the ladder. Who saw that coming? Truth takes a
shot in the face from the ladder but Morrison and
Bourne kick it into his face. Jericho eats a knee
from Bourne and Morrison launches him over the ropes
to Jericho. Miz puts Morrison down with the
Skullcrushing Finale. Miz sets up the ladder and
decides to climb the ladder to get the plastic
crayon case they are calling Money in the Bank.
Orton tips the ladder and dumps Miz before grabbing
the Crayola case for himself as the show goes off
of the Night: The Main Event was decent, but
a complete spot fest with too many people in it.
Orton only did one move.
Lowlight of the Night: Nexus. I have a new
favorite thing to be tired of. That didn’t take
long. It’s almost as if they are here to make me
hate Sheamus less.
WWE “Creative” Award: The e-mail thing is
kind of annoying and stop the flow of normal promos.