WWE
RAW RANT:
(06/28/10)
By Cameron
Burge
Welcome back to the Raw
Rant where we have even more focus on a bunch of
guys you don’t really care about. The only things of
note for this week is that the NXTers have renamed
themselves as a stable called “Nexus” and in other
news, Sheamus is still champion, so you can rest
assured it wasn’t just a really bad dream.
Raw 06.28.10
Show opens with silence as Cole and King tell us in SUPER SERIOUS voices about Vince getting beat down last week, saying that it has “Made headlines the world over” which I assume is complete bullshit, because I assume that if him DYING didn’t make that many headlines, then this didn’t either. Maybe some retard called the police for this too like the car bomb. Sheamus arrives to celebrate he doesn’t have to fight Cena again now because even though the match never ended it apparently counts so he won’t have to see the shitty orange shirts (as bad as shitty orange hair?) or catch phrases or a bunch of other things.
Cena arrives to say that the Nexus is coming for Sheamus next and so they should for just this once team up and take the entire nexus on. The e-mail goes off a couple of times here for Cole to tell us (he has a fucking stand with a big GM of Raw logo on it and a Raw laptop to read from now). I have a bad feeling they might actually have it turn out to be Cole who is GM. God help us. The GM says that Nexus will be dealt with next week and if they make contact with any WWE superstar they will be fired and if any WWE superstar does the opposite, they will be suspended. Cena says they must both be disappointed so instead they should have a title match. Cole gets another e-mail of course and I have to say this guy must be the fastest fucking typer of ALL TIME to respond this quickly. It is revealed that Sheamus will be fighting Mark Henry and Cena makes a crappy internet joke reference.
Cole gets another E-mail and tells us the next PPV will be a Money in the Bank PPV with two MitB matches, one for each brand with the first Raw contestant being revealed tonight. Sheamus goes to leave and we get another e-mail with a cage falling from the sky. Oh, so it was so spur of the moment that he had A HUGE FUCKING CAGE INSTALLED already. We then find that at the PPV, Sheamus will face Cena in a steel cage who decides to peel his shirt off and celebrate in the cage while his music plays for no reason.
Random Commercial Thought: That Slim Jim commercial doesn’t make any fucking sense.
As we come back, the Hart Dynasty comes out and gets jumped from behind by the Usos and left crushed around the ring. Funny, since they got owned in their only actual match recently. Natalya gets beat up by Tamika with a Superfly Splash afterward. Glad we got that exhilarating match. Tune in next week when the wrestlers will actually get in the ring! Elsewhere, Truth is asked what he thinks about the Nexus and he says to keep them in the WWE zoo because he’s…the zoo keeper? What the fuck does that mean?
Random Commercial Thought: Fuck twilight.
Back to the show where we get a replay of Kozlov’s dance off but we are now forced to watch a rematch of them in an actual match with the stipulation being that if Santino wins, Kozlov will be his tag team partner.
Vladimir Kozlov vs. Santino Marella
Match starts off with Santino failing to be able to suplex Kozlov from different angles so Kozlov ties him up for head butts and grounds Santino for two. Kozlov puts on a bear hug (IS IT BEAR?! OH BOY OH BOY!). Santino powers out of the bear hug and drops Kozlov with an arm drag. He tries to use his cobra and gets destroyed with a sambo suplex for three.
Winner: Kozlov
After the match, Kozlov smiles and tries to help Santino up several time as he collapses each time. Regal shakes his hand on the way out and comes back to annihilate Santino but Kozlov comes to the save with a big boot and helps Santino up and out of the ring. He carries him on his shoulders which is frightening as the big Russian carries off the unconscious man. We then see Khali in the back to be asked about Nexus. Khalia’s translator talks shit on him in English and says Khali would run like a pussy from Nexus before storming off. Khali looks confused, but I’m pretty sure he speaks fucking English, considering he did it in Longest Yard.
Random Commercial Thought: NXT still sucks.
Back to the show where we get a long-ass introduction for Rob Zombie, the creative genius who brought you…Halloween…and H2.…yeah he should be sorry. But don’t worry, I’m sure The Blob will be better!….yeah…He reveals the contestants for MitB, Miz, R-Truth, Orton, Jericho, Dibiase, Bourne, Morrison, and Edge. Edge interrupts to speak via live feed to say he hasn’t spoken to Rob since he called him personally to say he was dumping his song. Rob goes to leave, saying he took the song back, not the other way around. Edge goes on to show his win of MitB and cashing in on the briefcase. He conveniently doesn’t mention Mr. Anders-I mean Kennedy. Yeah, never heard of that guy.
Cole gets an e-mail and says the main event will be Edge, Miz, Dibiase & Jericho against Bourne, Morrison, Truth and Orton. I love how they always divide these matches into heel against face, never randomly mixing them.
Random Commercial Thought: It takes two idiots to raise a village. Of idiots.
Back to the show where Sheamus is already out to take on Mark Henry who comes to the ring with his rookie. Somebody at least get that poor guy a gas mask.
WWE Champion Sheamus vs. Mark Henry w/Random Jackass (Non-title Match)
Sheamus starts off with pummeling shots and delivers a DDT for two. Sheamus puts on a headlock, but Mark works up and counters a clothesline by lightly raising his arm. Sheamus sort of pushes off of him and is apparently dead from that. Sheamus makes the ropes at two and they both get back into the ring so Sheamus delivers the pump kick to pick up the three out of seemingly no where.
Winner: Sheamus
I think Cole just called it the Pro Kick or the Bro Kick. I prefer Bro Kick. Nexus is now asked how they feel about the ultimatum. One of them randomly beats up the sound guy and slaps him around. They then look about ready to eat Josh Matthews who looks like he crapped himself.
Random Commercial Thought: It could be worse. Twilight could ruin zombies too.
Back to the show where King is in the ring to introduce a video package for Ricky Steamboat’s new DVD. Speaking of him, here he is. For once he isn’t wearing a goofy bandana or karate outfit and is just in a suit. King has guys come out to honor Ricky. Arn Anderson, P.S. Hays, Rotunda, and Malenko. Malenko sounds like he smoked a forest before trying to speak. IRS asks for him to pay taxes on the DVD income. Or else? Hayes says he just came out to come out and dance on TV. Arn declares him one of the best wrestlers of all time. As you might guess, Nexus interrupts things. They have a theme now. Technically speaking, none of these guys are superstars. The suit jackets come off at least. These guys are like Solomon Grundy and Brainiac, they can’t even afford a decent pair of pants. King and Dragon stomp out the first guy and the next meats a similar fate. Eventually Arn is dragged to the floor and eats the ring post. Malenko goes down next.
Eventually they attack everyone and I had time to get up, leave the room, have a conversation, get a drink and come back ad they are still beating up Steamboat. This segment has gone on for way too long, longer than any Raw matches do.
Random Commercial Thought: I don’t see how Money in the Bank can carry its own show.
Back to the show where we get a tea up by Maryse and Alicia Fox. I have to point out we actually came back from commercial earlier but nothing happened but recaps and a commercial. Josh Matthews is now on announcing with Cole.
Alicia Fox & Maryse vs. Gail Kim & Eve Torres
Alicia starts out hard on Eve while chants build for Maryse. Alicia almost takes a sunset flip, but she drops a knee on Eve instead. Alicia beats Eve into the corner and a snap mare picks up a two count for Fox. Maryse tags in and drags her around by the hair for another two. Why would hair pulling possibly get you a pin? Alicia tags back in and some stomps in the corner ensue. Gail Kim finally tags in and for her trouble gets completely destroyed by Fox for the three.
Winners: Fox & Maryse
After the match, Fox and Maryse get up in each others faces over the belt. It amounts to nothing more than a few seconds of your lif mercilessly drained away.
Random Commercial Thought: Psych needs less special guests.
As we return, we replay the Nexus beat down of Vince….and then we replay the beat down from tonight. God damn. The Raw Replay Variety Hour. The MitB participants are headed out now.
John Morrison, R-Truth, Randy Orton & Evan Bourne vs. Ted Dibiase, Edge, Miz, & Chris Jericho
Dibiase starts off with Morrison but doesn’t fare well. Truth tags in and delivers some harsh blows before dumping Dibiase to the floor. Bourne dances on the apron as he gets the tag and delivers a flying kick to Ted on the floor. Back in the ring, Bourne delivers harsh kicks and trips for a two count. Miz tags in after a kick to Bourne from Dibiase, but eats a big hip toss for two. Miz starts to come back and Dibiase shuts off a retaliation from Bourne with a cheap shot while the ref is distracted. Jericho tags in and trips up Bourne on the bottom rope with a monkey flip before taunting. Jericho slaps Bourne in the back of the head and drags him back by the foot to keep the tag from happening as Miz comes back in.
I miss the days when heels could wear pants. Miz works a chinlock. Bourne gets away to tag in Morrison. Morrison goes to town on Miz and delivers a huge kick to set up Starship Pain but Edge drags Miz to safety. The heels gather outside conveniently to pose for a suicide dive from Morrison as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Phones manipulate reality.
Someone used the ladder during the break by tossing Morrison into it. As we come back, Morrison is rolling up Jericho for two and Jericho kicks him back down for two of his own. Edge tags in to stomp into Morrison. Morrison gets beat down for quite a while and Edge eventually runs into a boot in the corner only to get back in control with a clothesline. Morrison collides with Edge and both manage to make the hot tag. Bourne is in against Jericho with head scissors and dropkicks. A wheel kick drops Jericho and a heel kick follows for two. Bourne goes up top but Jericho intercepts only to have a superplex blocks with knees. Bourne sets up for Air Bourne but bombs only to land on his feet. Jericho hits the code breaker and crawls to the tag. Bourne crawls to his corner too and Dibiase is in on Orton. Orton just instantly delivers an RKO for three. Wow, way to earn that paycheck, Randy.
Winners: Faces
Edge spears from behind and gets the ladder. Who saw that coming? Truth takes a shot in the face from the ladder but Morrison and Bourne kick it into his face. Jericho eats a knee from Bourne and Morrison launches him over the ropes to Jericho. Miz puts Morrison down with the Skullcrushing Finale. Miz sets up the ladder and decides to climb the ladder to get the plastic crayon case they are calling Money in the Bank. Orton tips the ladder and dumps Miz before grabbing the Crayola case for himself as the show goes off the air.
Highlight of the Night: The Main Event was decent, but a complete spot fest with too many people in it. Orton only did one move.
Lowlight of the Night: Nexus. I have a new favorite thing to be tired of. That didn’t take long. It’s almost as if they are here to make me hate Sheamus less.
WWE “Creative” Award: The e-mail thing is kind of annoying and stop the flow of normal promos. Bad idea.
Raw 06.28.10
Show opens with silence as Cole and King tell us in SUPER SERIOUS voices about Vince getting beat down last week, saying that it has “Made headlines the world over” which I assume is complete bullshit, because I assume that if him DYING didn’t make that many headlines, then this didn’t either. Maybe some retard called the police for this too like the car bomb. Sheamus arrives to celebrate he doesn’t have to fight Cena again now because even though the match never ended it apparently counts so he won’t have to see the shitty orange shirts (as bad as shitty orange hair?) or catch phrases or a bunch of other things.
Cena arrives to say that the Nexus is coming for Sheamus next and so they should for just this once team up and take the entire nexus on. The e-mail goes off a couple of times here for Cole to tell us (he has a fucking stand with a big GM of Raw logo on it and a Raw laptop to read from now). I have a bad feeling they might actually have it turn out to be Cole who is GM. God help us. The GM says that Nexus will be dealt with next week and if they make contact with any WWE superstar they will be fired and if any WWE superstar does the opposite, they will be suspended. Cena says they must both be disappointed so instead they should have a title match. Cole gets another e-mail of course and I have to say this guy must be the fastest fucking typer of ALL TIME to respond this quickly. It is revealed that Sheamus will be fighting Mark Henry and Cena makes a crappy internet joke reference.
Cole gets another E-mail and tells us the next PPV will be a Money in the Bank PPV with two MitB matches, one for each brand with the first Raw contestant being revealed tonight. Sheamus goes to leave and we get another e-mail with a cage falling from the sky. Oh, so it was so spur of the moment that he had A HUGE FUCKING CAGE INSTALLED already. We then find that at the PPV, Sheamus will face Cena in a steel cage who decides to peel his shirt off and celebrate in the cage while his music plays for no reason.
Random Commercial Thought: That Slim Jim commercial doesn’t make any fucking sense.
As we come back, the Hart Dynasty comes out and gets jumped from behind by the Usos and left crushed around the ring. Funny, since they got owned in their only actual match recently. Natalya gets beat up by Tamika with a Superfly Splash afterward. Glad we got that exhilarating match. Tune in next week when the wrestlers will actually get in the ring! Elsewhere, Truth is asked what he thinks about the Nexus and he says to keep them in the WWE zoo because he’s…the zoo keeper? What the fuck does that mean?
Random Commercial Thought: Fuck twilight.
Back to the show where we get a replay of Kozlov’s dance off but we are now forced to watch a rematch of them in an actual match with the stipulation being that if Santino wins, Kozlov will be his tag team partner.
Vladimir Kozlov vs. Santino Marella
Match starts off with Santino failing to be able to suplex Kozlov from different angles so Kozlov ties him up for head butts and grounds Santino for two. Kozlov puts on a bear hug (IS IT BEAR?! OH BOY OH BOY!). Santino powers out of the bear hug and drops Kozlov with an arm drag. He tries to use his cobra and gets destroyed with a sambo suplex for three.
Winner: Kozlov
After the match, Kozlov smiles and tries to help Santino up several time as he collapses each time. Regal shakes his hand on the way out and comes back to annihilate Santino but Kozlov comes to the save with a big boot and helps Santino up and out of the ring. He carries him on his shoulders which is frightening as the big Russian carries off the unconscious man. We then see Khali in the back to be asked about Nexus. Khalia’s translator talks shit on him in English and says Khali would run like a pussy from Nexus before storming off. Khali looks confused, but I’m pretty sure he speaks fucking English, considering he did it in Longest Yard.
Random Commercial Thought: NXT still sucks.
Back to the show where we get a long-ass introduction for Rob Zombie, the creative genius who brought you…Halloween…and H2.…yeah he should be sorry. But don’t worry, I’m sure The Blob will be better!….yeah…He reveals the contestants for MitB, Miz, R-Truth, Orton, Jericho, Dibiase, Bourne, Morrison, and Edge. Edge interrupts to speak via live feed to say he hasn’t spoken to Rob since he called him personally to say he was dumping his song. Rob goes to leave, saying he took the song back, not the other way around. Edge goes on to show his win of MitB and cashing in on the briefcase. He conveniently doesn’t mention Mr. Anders-I mean Kennedy. Yeah, never heard of that guy.
Cole gets an e-mail and says the main event will be Edge, Miz, Dibiase & Jericho against Bourne, Morrison, Truth and Orton. I love how they always divide these matches into heel against face, never randomly mixing them.
Random Commercial Thought: It takes two idiots to raise a village. Of idiots.
Back to the show where Sheamus is already out to take on Mark Henry who comes to the ring with his rookie. Somebody at least get that poor guy a gas mask.
WWE Champion Sheamus vs. Mark Henry w/Random Jackass (Non-title Match)
Sheamus starts off with pummeling shots and delivers a DDT for two. Sheamus puts on a headlock, but Mark works up and counters a clothesline by lightly raising his arm. Sheamus sort of pushes off of him and is apparently dead from that. Sheamus makes the ropes at two and they both get back into the ring so Sheamus delivers the pump kick to pick up the three out of seemingly no where.
Winner: Sheamus
I think Cole just called it the Pro Kick or the Bro Kick. I prefer Bro Kick. Nexus is now asked how they feel about the ultimatum. One of them randomly beats up the sound guy and slaps him around. They then look about ready to eat Josh Matthews who looks like he crapped himself.
Random Commercial Thought: It could be worse. Twilight could ruin zombies too.
Back to the show where King is in the ring to introduce a video package for Ricky Steamboat’s new DVD. Speaking of him, here he is. For once he isn’t wearing a goofy bandana or karate outfit and is just in a suit. King has guys come out to honor Ricky. Arn Anderson, P.S. Hays, Rotunda, and Malenko. Malenko sounds like he smoked a forest before trying to speak. IRS asks for him to pay taxes on the DVD income. Or else? Hayes says he just came out to come out and dance on TV. Arn declares him one of the best wrestlers of all time. As you might guess, Nexus interrupts things. They have a theme now. Technically speaking, none of these guys are superstars. The suit jackets come off at least. These guys are like Solomon Grundy and Brainiac, they can’t even afford a decent pair of pants. King and Dragon stomp out the first guy and the next meats a similar fate. Eventually Arn is dragged to the floor and eats the ring post. Malenko goes down next.
Eventually they attack everyone and I had time to get up, leave the room, have a conversation, get a drink and come back ad they are still beating up Steamboat. This segment has gone on for way too long, longer than any Raw matches do.
Random Commercial Thought: I don’t see how Money in the Bank can carry its own show.
Back to the show where we get a tea up by Maryse and Alicia Fox. I have to point out we actually came back from commercial earlier but nothing happened but recaps and a commercial. Josh Matthews is now on announcing with Cole.
Alicia Fox & Maryse vs. Gail Kim & Eve Torres
Alicia starts out hard on Eve while chants build for Maryse. Alicia almost takes a sunset flip, but she drops a knee on Eve instead. Alicia beats Eve into the corner and a snap mare picks up a two count for Fox. Maryse tags in and drags her around by the hair for another two. Why would hair pulling possibly get you a pin? Alicia tags back in and some stomps in the corner ensue. Gail Kim finally tags in and for her trouble gets completely destroyed by Fox for the three.
Winners: Fox & Maryse
After the match, Fox and Maryse get up in each others faces over the belt. It amounts to nothing more than a few seconds of your lif mercilessly drained away.
Random Commercial Thought: Psych needs less special guests.
As we return, we replay the Nexus beat down of Vince….and then we replay the beat down from tonight. God damn. The Raw Replay Variety Hour. The MitB participants are headed out now.
John Morrison, R-Truth, Randy Orton & Evan Bourne vs. Ted Dibiase, Edge, Miz, & Chris Jericho
Dibiase starts off with Morrison but doesn’t fare well. Truth tags in and delivers some harsh blows before dumping Dibiase to the floor. Bourne dances on the apron as he gets the tag and delivers a flying kick to Ted on the floor. Back in the ring, Bourne delivers harsh kicks and trips for a two count. Miz tags in after a kick to Bourne from Dibiase, but eats a big hip toss for two. Miz starts to come back and Dibiase shuts off a retaliation from Bourne with a cheap shot while the ref is distracted. Jericho tags in and trips up Bourne on the bottom rope with a monkey flip before taunting. Jericho slaps Bourne in the back of the head and drags him back by the foot to keep the tag from happening as Miz comes back in.
I miss the days when heels could wear pants. Miz works a chinlock. Bourne gets away to tag in Morrison. Morrison goes to town on Miz and delivers a huge kick to set up Starship Pain but Edge drags Miz to safety. The heels gather outside conveniently to pose for a suicide dive from Morrison as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Phones manipulate reality.
Someone used the ladder during the break by tossing Morrison into it. As we come back, Morrison is rolling up Jericho for two and Jericho kicks him back down for two of his own. Edge tags in to stomp into Morrison. Morrison gets beat down for quite a while and Edge eventually runs into a boot in the corner only to get back in control with a clothesline. Morrison collides with Edge and both manage to make the hot tag. Bourne is in against Jericho with head scissors and dropkicks. A wheel kick drops Jericho and a heel kick follows for two. Bourne goes up top but Jericho intercepts only to have a superplex blocks with knees. Bourne sets up for Air Bourne but bombs only to land on his feet. Jericho hits the code breaker and crawls to the tag. Bourne crawls to his corner too and Dibiase is in on Orton. Orton just instantly delivers an RKO for three. Wow, way to earn that paycheck, Randy.
Winners: Faces
Edge spears from behind and gets the ladder. Who saw that coming? Truth takes a shot in the face from the ladder but Morrison and Bourne kick it into his face. Jericho eats a knee from Bourne and Morrison launches him over the ropes to Jericho. Miz puts Morrison down with the Skullcrushing Finale. Miz sets up the ladder and decides to climb the ladder to get the plastic crayon case they are calling Money in the Bank. Orton tips the ladder and dumps Miz before grabbing the Crayola case for himself as the show goes off the air.
Highlight of the Night: The Main Event was decent, but a complete spot fest with too many people in it. Orton only did one move.
Lowlight of the Night: Nexus. I have a new favorite thing to be tired of. That didn’t take long. It’s almost as if they are here to make me hate Sheamus less.
WWE “Creative” Award: The e-mail thing is kind of annoying and stop the flow of normal promos. Bad idea.
Send Feedback to Cameron Burge
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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