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WWE RAW RANT

by Cameron Burge

June 27, 2011


Welcome back to the show that gives you, the people what they want. Mason Ryan! Okay, by now you have probably all heard that was a terrible grievous error despite the white stains on Vince’s pants that evening. WWE plans to make it up to us tonight during Raw Roulette. Because a regular show is for pussies.

Raw 06.27.11



Booker T is show with the roulette wheel with King telling us he will be giving it the spin-a-roonies before HBK arrives in his “I need to look as much like a serial killer truck driver as possible” outfit. Nice of them to cue up his pyro for it anyway. He says he tried to stay away but couldn’t, probably because the outdoor channel doesn’t pay enough. King asks if he’s coming back. He mentions that he won’t plug his new show while we are flooded by a Shawn Michaels twitter ad as well. He is then interrupted by CM Punk who I imagine is equally tired of this one half of a DX shtick. Mason Ryan isn’t with the new Nexus because he got injured over the weekend. I assume he had a brain aneurism when he met Batista face to face and could not comprehend how he was in two places at one time.

Punk reminds us he is leaving after the Money in the Bank. Shawn calls that a win/win for everyone and says speaking of winning, he will go out one, unlike Shawn. Shawn says he’s better than Punk and Punk notes that he only used to be, but no one is better than him now. Punk asks if that was a challenge to prove he is still better. Shawn says they aren’t alike, but at the end of the day they each have their own style and he kicks Otunga in the face. Punk says he just made the biggest mistake of his life, which apparently wasn’t that time he murdered a hooker. The GM decides to intervene here and says that considering Punk only has three weeks left, they might as well make them count with Punk having the first match tonight with a spin of the wheel. Booker points out some of the things on the wheel, including his favorite “The Pillow Fight Match.”

The wheel lands on a question mark and Booker says that means mystery opponent…and an all expense paid trip to hell because he has to face Kane. So much for that mystery. Michaels then super kicks Mike McStupidName to leave Punk alone. Only fifteen minutes into the show before a match this week, way better than usual.

Random Commercial Thought: Harry Potter gives the entire movie away in the trailer, and I don’t even know anything about Harry Potter.

CM Punk vs. Kane

The match begins with an uppercut from Kane to Punk who sends Punk to the floor for some more blows. Punk starts getting huge cheers from the crowd now while Kane stomps him into a corner. Kane goes for a cover and gets two before running him over in the corner with repeated clotheslines. A side slam leads to another two count before Punk crawls to the apron and gouges the eyes. Punk springboard into the ring where Kane catches him for a choke slam, but Punk counters with a kick to the head. Kane’s one weakness? Punk starts stomping into Kane and beating him into the corner.

Kane tries to shove him off but eats a mule kick for his trouble. Cole is trying to sell why Punk is leaving as being underappreciated by the crowd. I’m convinced this storyline has got to be a complete work. Punk sets up for a superplex, but Kane sends him off and trips trying to get up to stay at the top. Punk rolls to the floor and takes a walk rather than face the clothesline. King asks if he is walking out of here when he’s already ninety percent down the fucking ramp. Nope, he got lost, Jerry. Winner: Kane

Cole points out Punk has no reason to risk momentum against Kane for his match with John Cena. Show and Alberto are set to have a rematch later as well as Truth/Cena.

Random Commercial Thought: We’re standing on the shoulders of freaks.

Back to the show where Sin Cara arrives to a “huge ovation” that is um….the exact opposite of that. Cara’s music is so fucking subdued, you could hear a cricket over that thing. Bourne gets a bigger reaction for this rematch of a match that never happened. Mason Ryan shows up and crushes them all.

Sin Cara vs. Bourne

Why is this match still in fucking gold. The bell rings, but Cara is confused as to why they aren’t starting, probably because he doesn’t speak any English, you idiots. Eve and Booker spin the wheel. It’s a “No Count Out Match.” Okay…whatever booker just said was weird. It was kind of like On Like Donkey Kong, but weird.

Anyway, the match really starts to zero fanfare as they tries arm drags. Cara goes to a body scissor move, but Bourne counters into a hammerlock. Sin Cara springboards into an arm drag and swings around Bourne into another arm drag by jumping off the ropes and flipping and spinning off the top rope into a third. He tries to start up a baseball slide, but Bourne is out of the way. They just stare at each other outside the ring…and then get back in. Thanks for that guys? Did they forget what they were doing. There’s a chant going that says Sin Cara is a power ranger. I think he’s more like a member of the Voltron Team. Sin Car delivers a dropkick and backflips around. Bourne misses a spinning kick, but Sin Cara dodges it and sends him to the floor with a head scissor before hitting a suicide dive.

Cara picks Bourne up, but he swings around him into a head scissor on Sin Cara to the floor. They trade some quick roll up pins, but Bourne hits his double knees to the jaw for two. Sin Cara catches a dropkick in the corner before running and springing off the ropes into a spinning uh…spin? He just sort of spins into him for two. Bourne comes back with a standing moonsault for two of his own. Bourne whiffs another kick, but spins back into a mule kick before going up top for Air Bourne. Sin Cara dodges, but he lands on his feet. Sin Cara spins around Bourne into his head scissor DDT for the three.

Winner: Sin Cara

Kofi is shown in the back with Vickie. He gets Player’s Choice, and decides to pick the stipulation that actually won for his match with Dolph last week, Vickie banned from Ringside. I would have picked a “I automatically win when the bell rings” match.

Random Commercial Thought: Maybe he stopped hanging out with you because you’re a talking fucking dog.

Back to the show where they reveal the roster is so small that there aren’t even qualifiers for the Money in the Bank this year. If people know your name, you are in it. Vickie tries to come out after Kofi to introduce Dolph before the refs chuck her from ringside.

Kofi Kingston vs. US Champion Dolph Ziggler (Non-Title Match)

Kofi squares off, but Dolph just rolls to the floor and takes a walk. Kofi chases him down, but back in the ring he eats some cheap shots to give control to Dolph. Dolph eventually gets sent to the floor where Kofi takes control by slamming him on the floor. Dolph retaliates by chucking him into the ring post face first while the ref counts as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: KaDollarSignHa doesn’t make for very good theme music.

Back to the show where Dolphs is working a headlock and almost puts Kofi away with a leg drop to the back of the head that I am taking Cole’s word on since I didn’t watch it. Kofi starts coming back with wild punches to the gut while the announcers start trading weak ass lines about Vickie. Kofi kicks out of an attempt by Dolph again for two. Kofi starts kicking away at the knees before countering a move attempt by Dolph into a small package for two. Some girl screams like that woman who saw Mark Henry last week, but it was only two, sorry lady. Kofi eats a stiff kick to the chin that rocks him, but he springs back from the top rope when Dolph tries to chuck him from the ring, but Dolph doesn’t see it, turning around into Trouble in Paradise.

Winner: Kofi

In the back, Alberto interrupts Maryse and Booker when the wheel is spun. She starts coming on to him which makes him happy until he sees it will be a steel cage match, the only object more immobile than Big Show himself.

Random Commercial Thought: A moment of silence for Ricardo Rodriguez.

Back to the show where King celebrates the possible murder of a man about to take place. Big Show enters swinging his arms around like a drunk Donkey Kong.

Alberto Del Rio vs. The Big Show (Steel Cage Match)

Del Rio tries to run right away, but just gets caught and thrown to the ground. Big Show starts slapping him in the chest and chucks Del Rio into the cage. Show rakes him cross the cage, but Del Rio comes back by kicking out the knee and starts stomping into Show’s face, but only covers for a one count when Show throws him off. Rio comes back by dropkicking the knee again and starts working it over on the ground. While working a leg lock, Mark Henry makes his way to the ring and ponders ripping the cage door off again. Perhaps he believes there to be fried chicken in there?

Back in the ring, Show decks Del Rio with a big shot and clotheslines him a second time. Show tries to go for a choke slam, but Del Rio escapes by striking the knee and performing an arm breaker. Rio tries to escape, but Show meet him up top. Big Show goes for a superplex and Rio tries to block it, but Show lands it and crushes Del Rio. Henry decides he’s had enough of this and rips the cage door off again just like I just said he would. Henry seems to be confused that he is in fact feuding with the cage door and tosses it around a bit before putting it in the ring and booting Show in the face. Del Rio crawls out the open door.

Winner: Del Rio

Henry slams Big Show through the wall of the cage, explaining why no one bothered to use that break away wall. A holy shit chant starts in the crowd. Henry then leaps out as he asks us if we think he’s playing. He unfortunately does not reiterate that his blood is not kool aid. Something about paid bills? He asks the refs if they are going to fire him and destroys the announce desk some while saying he’ll do what he wants to do. That includes Mae Young. Fuck You chants start up.

Random Commercial Thought: I need help figuring out the appeal of any of these movies.

Back to the show where we get a replay of Big Show and Henry before being forced to witness a Kelly Kelly match for the Diva’s title. Cole talks some shit on her for some reason or other. Not really sure why. Why did the Bellas bring capes to the ring and then immediately throw them away? Apparently Nikki is wrestling this match. It’s a Submission match…and Natalya isn’t in this match. The crowd really cares. Here comes the Boston crab.

Nikki Bella vs. Diva’s Champion Kelly Kelly (Submission Match…for the title?)

Nikkie works ana rm bar. Oh shit, she totally knows a submission hold and one that is really simple and easy to do. King says that could be a submission hold because he apparently forgot everything he ever knew about wrestling. Kelly eventually escapes and counters into the Boston Crab for the win. WHAT DID I JUST SAY?!

Winner: Kelly

Eve shows up to save Kelly from a beat down after the match. The Bellas dress in the dominatrix outfit of that chick from Puni Puni Poemi.

Random Commercial Thought: Twitter is dominating your world.

Back to the show where, speaking of twitter, we are spamming twitter addresses on the screen now. We get a recap of Andy winning Tough Enough. Andy is interviewed at his new permanent home in FCW because he forgot to properly sell the finishers of two old guys way smaller than him. We cut from that to Rey waiting for the finish of a spin. He gets a tornado match. It’s a tag team match with all the guys in the ring at once. He celebrates with Rey before DDP shows up. I came a little. They start talking about DDP’s matches and Drew shows up to say these old farts are taking up his TV time. When was the last time he was even on TV? He then gets super kicked from off screen by Shawn Michaels. He says he’s never seen any of Nitro because he was working that night. They glare him down as Booker says he’ll be sending him a copy. Amusing.

Random Commercial Thought: WWE should make more comic books that are absolutely insane.

Back to the show where the tornado tag match is about to get under way.

Rey Mysterio & Alex Riley vs. The Miz & Jack Swagger (Tornado Team Match)

The rules for a Tornado match, also known as Tornado Tag, is that all four men are in the ring simultaneously. Rey and Alex spread out and lure both heels away from each other. Rey gets crushed by Swagger while Alex goes at Miz in the corner. Miz turns the tables and starts pummeling Riley. Miz turns and clotheslines Mysterio before being clotheslined by Riley who is subsequently clotheslined by Swagger. Miz and Riley go to the floor while Swagger works the main action in the ring on Rey. Swagger delivers a back breaker to Mysterio before dropping his sling shot body splash for a two count. Meanwhile, Miz ran Riley down with a kick. Miz climbs up top while Rey is held by Swagger, but he escapes and chucks Swagger into the ropes to rack Miz. Riley throws Rey into swagger in the corner as a projectile before Rey hit’s a senton on the floor. Riley meets Miz up top for a top rope hip toss that scores a two count.

Random Commercial Thought: Why make a new game when you can make an old one in 3D?

Back to the match where Swagger is breaking up a pin on the Miz. Swagger catches Mysterio out of a cross body and bench presses him onto a gut busting knee from the Miz in a cool spot that gets two. Miz chokes out Mysterio and plants him with his kneeling DDT for two. Swagger gets dumped to the floor by a Riley back drop before Miz chucks Riley to the floor. Miz sets Rey up top and looks to be going for the superplex, but Rey blocks and punches him off. Miz hit’s the flying senton then botches a set up for the 619 two times in a row before they go for a third one after a Mysterio kick that gets two. Swagger blocks the 619 by dragging Rey to the floor, but eats a spine buster from Riley for two when Miz breaks it up. Riley survives a scorpion death drop for two from Miz then clothesline Miz over the ropes to the floor (actually he completely missed). Back in the ring, Swagger runs Rey right the fuck over for two and screams in a rage.

Swagger goes for the gut wrench power bomb, but Rey counters into a head scissor and goes for the 619, but Swagger catches it. Swagger goes into the ankle lock, but Rey has the ropes. The ref forgets to count this at all for some reason even when Miz joins in with a front headlock on Rey from the apron. Riley drops Miz from the apron and Mysterio sets Swagger up for another 619. Somehow Riley gets hit in all this and Swagger end up on the OTHER ropes for yet another 619 that actually hits him into a Riley DDT and the top rope splash for three.

Winners: Rey & Riley

We get a video package for Shawn Michaels shooting arrows at deer and unfortunately not kicking them in the face. R-Truth spins the wheel for his match up next and gets us a tables match. That worked out really well for Cena last time. Oh wait, Sheamus. Yeah….I’m liking the idea of this tables match.

Random Commercial Thought: Buy your bullshit in bulk, watch WWE.

Back to the show where R-Truth makes his way to the ring to his antithesis of an entrance theme. Is Truth wearing a bulletproof vest? The Announcers remind us of the Sheamus win as we get into the match.

R-Truth vs. WWE Champion John Cena (Non-Title Match)

The dueling chants begin right away as Truth is working over Cena, but Cena powers back with a fisherman’s suplex. Cena immediately decides to go get a table before Truth…sort of runs at him and Cena casually falls out of the way like he was hit by something. Great sell there, guys. Truth works a rest hold back in the ring because he’s totally going to win by submission. The dueling chants begin again and Cena escapes before hitting a dropkick. Cena tries to go for an FU that won’t win him the match. Truth escapes and delivers his that modified F5/Diamond Cutter move he’s got. Cole thankfully doesn’t still claim he’s never seen it before. Truth sets up the table and goes for a suplex but Cena easily blocks and delivers his own suplex.

Cena drags himself up and pulls the ropes down when Truth charges to send him to the floor. Cena chucks him into the steel steps and gets a pat on the back for his hard work by this little blonde chick at ringside. Aw, isn’t that adorably lame. Cena retrieves another table because the other one wasn’t good enough for him, though it would have been much easier to set up. Cena drags Truth into the ring and delivers an FU, but Punk runs to the ring and moves the table out of the ring. Cena attacks Punk and tries to deliver the FU in the ring, but Punk escapes as Truth tackles Cena through the table.

Winner: Truth

Punk is wearing a Stone Cold shirt for some reason. That makes no sense. Does he celebrate by drinking diet Pepsi? Punk grabs a mic and sits on the ring entrance. I wonder if it’s warmer there or something which is why he likes to sit there? He says he has a lot of things to get off his chest.

He says he likes Cena more than most people in the back, but he hates the idea that Cena is the back, because he’s the one who is the best. He says the one thing that Cena is better at than him is kissing Vince’s ass. Oh my, this is so totally a shoot. I am totally buying all of it. He says he is as good at kissing ass as Hogan and Duane (Dwayne?). He then says everyone hates him because he was brought in by Paul Hayman, just like Brock Lesnar. He says he’s grabbed so many imaginary brass rings that they he’s realized they are bullshit while he keeps proving he’s the best at commentary, on the mic and in the ring. Maybe not on the mic, but definitely that first thing. He says he isn’t on any crappy TV shows, or talk shows or movies or even the opening little video of the show. He says the fact that the Rock is in the Main Event of Wrestlemania is bullshit before saying its even the fault of the people cheering him that he’s leaving. He says he will defend his new title in ROH or New Japan…say TNA. I dare you. He gets censored for saying John Laurenitis is a dick sucker. He basically says everything every internet forum user has ever said. He says the company might be better when he dies, but it will get taken over by his idiotic daughter and retarded son in law. He’s about to tell a story and his microphone gets cut off. The show then abruptly shuts off. I assume he wrote that promo by browsing the most posted in topics of every wrestling message board.

Highlight of the Night: The “shoot” promo at the end. Nice to hear what we’ve all been thinking for years finally on TV.

Lowlight of the Night: Kofi/Ziggler was a lack luster rematch compared to last week and other outings and is just getting old.

WWE “Creative” Award: Kelly Kelly has no business in any submission match ever. She barely has any business in matches.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).